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£500 self-isolation payment actually just £3.68 after contract to distribute money won by Chartwells 
Internet determined to sell man earwax-removal products 
Ginger Knobs are more hyper-active than their stiffer Mousey counterparts! 
Corbyn pointlessly supports pointless arrows 
Researchers find all Scots called Angus already have herd immunity 
The only headline act for this year’s Glastonbury Festival will be Mud. More soon 
Liverpool praised for commitment to social distancing by not celebrating a single goal since lockdown 
Liverpool ‘failing to score in 2021’ to be this season’s feel-good story 
How to be a badass while self-isolating, by Matt Hancock 
Statues to get vaccine ahead of teachers 
Glastonbury is cancelled again and people have been slinging the mud – 11 favourites 
Pandemic Deal: PAL Offers amazingly Low AirFare To San Francisco! 
“Holy Fucking Shit, That’s Expensive,” Whispers Man Walking Into Florist For The First Time 
As Google threatens to block search in Australia, nation fires up the ol’ Ask Jeeves 
Man in room next to tennis player about to lose his fucking mind 
Liverpool: The Wheels Are Well-And-Truly Off! 
Biden's Butler Shiv Aalok Discovers Note Trump Left for Biden in Oval Office 
Inspired By Australia Day, The Irish Host Their First Ever Celebration Of The British Arrival 
“Lol, No!” West Tells Poorer Nations Begging For Vaccines 
Bloke Who Uses Cricket To Distract Nation From Bushfires Says Politics And Sport Don’t Mix 
Geriatric Christian Makes Annual Return To Spotlight To Get Roasted By Everyone 
Report: Turns Out Tennis Players Are Sooks 
Is Donald Trump Really Gone? 
What Do You Call This Former President? 
Hip Worship Band Switches To Sea Shanties 
Biden Outlines Plan For Final 100 Days In Office 
Jason Kenney thanks Biden for giving him new thing to blame all of Alberta’s economic woes on 
History Of Demonstrations On The Capitol 
‘It’s not Invasion Day, it’s a day to simply celebrate the invasion of Australia’ says PM 
White House Press Corps Wears New Cheerleading Uniforms To Press Briefing 
Biden To Reestablish Diplomatic Relations With ISIS 
NBA Fans Admit They Could Have Used Longer Break From Chris Webber 
Fauci Says 100 Million Vaccinations In 100 Days Is Feasible 
Here Is A Terrifying List Of Biden's First Executive Orders As President 
5 SIGNS THAT YOU ARE POSSESSED BY AN EVIL SPIRIT! 
Russian opposition leader Navalny will get fair trial, says head judge Vladimir Rutin 
Mitch McConnell bites hand that no longer feeds him 
Inaugural Address Spills Over Into Second Day As Biden Continues To List Greatest Issues Facing Nation 
Pete Buttigieg Vows To Bring Together Small-Town And Big-City Streets Into One Beautiful American Intersection 
“Lol, No!” West Tells Poorer Nations Begging For Vaccines? 
“I Definitely Won’t Regret Promising Nationwide Vaccination By September” 
This side-by-side comparison of Trump and Biden’s press rooms went viral because it speaks volumes 
Festival goer shocked as event hosting 200,000 people in a field with no sanitation or washing facilities is cancelled 
Single Man Successfully Grows Virginity Back During Lockdown 
QAnon supporters flock to Magaluf, await second coming of Trump 
Spotting An Undercover Guard On Snapchat: A Guide 
This side-by-side comparison of Trump and Biden’s press rooms went viral because it speaks volumes 
Insurer disgusted by suggestion it might have to ‘pay out’ over floods 
Warhammer, Doctor Who and Judge Dredd obsessive sees himself as a ‘triple threat’ 
Gavin Williamson said nobody predicted schools would close – the only 5 responses you need 
Your guide to the dangers of working from bed 
Three big houses in Grimsby, and other things you could buy for the price of a London property 
Roger Daltrey’s words about Brexit and rock music didn’t die before they got old 
WHITE HOUSE UNDERGOES DISINFECTION, EXORCISM! 
Trump drowns his sorrows with a strong glass of bleach 
Trump Mocks Biden Over Size Of Inauguration Crowd 
Alberta comforts grieving families by reminding them that COVID victims will someday turn into oil 
Trump Summarizes Selected Works of Shakespeare 
Teenager Honors Slavic Heritage By Commenting “cyka blyat” Underneath Every YouTube Video About Russia He Comes Across 
Trump Pardons Unabomber 
Report: Trump still trying to get Biden to touch ‘Freaky Friday’ amulet 
Duterte Sues His Own Spox Harry Roque FOr Libel! 
Fox News blasts Biden for “unacceptable” 4 COVID deaths on his watch 
Michael Flynn hired to teach un-ethics class at Army War College 
HOUSE APPROVES NEW FILIPINO WAY OF GREETING 
DepEd Approves New online ModuLe On Philippine History 
LOCH NESS MONSTER DISCOVERED — IN CONGRESS! 
Iraq evacuates nonessential workers, fortifies embassy ahead of US presidential inauguration 
Locals Gasp After Gaijin Turns Around To Ask For Help With ATM 
Most Space Force recruits already speak Klingon, study finds 
HORROR WRITER KIDNAPPED BY TEEN FANS! 
Critics warn National Guard lacks exit strategy for presidential inauguration 
Trump pardons Fort Hood 
4 STEPS TO PUTTING A CURSE ON ENEMIES 
BREAKING: Trump Social Media Blackout Reaches 100% As OnlyFans Issues The President LIFETIME BAN 
Trump Uses Taxpayer’s Money to Pay for His Latest Portrait 
Coronavirus In Tokyo Working Overtime Until 8pm 
5 THINGS TO AVOID DURING An ALIEN ABDUCTION 
Gaijin State Of Emergency: No Saizeriya After 8pm 
Man In Crowd Praying For Good Health Contracts COVID-19 
Rise In COVID-19 Due To “Increased Consumption Of Western KFC Food Over Christmas”