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Rock the Vote:
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Putin assures world COVID-19 vaccine has been rigorously tested on political opponents 
Nation's IQ Expected To Rise 50 Points After TikTok Ban 
Devin Booker On Secret To Suns’ Bubble Success: ‘Phoenix Fucking Sucks’ 
Chicago PD Condemns Black Lives Matter For Creating Violent Vortex Of Wind That Destroyed Property 
Secret Service Escort Trump From Press Briefing To Fulfill Promise Of Letting President Watch Them Shoot Someone 
Whitehouse prays Trump doesn’t tweet about ‘Niger’ shootings. More later. 
Super Soaker wielding Priest just baptized the shit out of this kid 
I SURVIVED THE WAVE FROM HELL! 
Steve Reiter Talks Loved Ones Dying Alone/Arbitrary Lockdown Rules/Reclaiming Our Human Dignity 
School uniform suppliers launch ‘my first hazmat suit’ range for concerned parents 
BBC and Sky News neck and neck in race to see who will be first to film a dinghy actually sinking 
Face coverings in England to be extended ‘to cover our arses’ says Government. More later. 
Asking Your Polish Friend About The Belarusian Election; A Guide 
Local Father Needs A Lie Down After Watching New Cardi B Video 
Spotify To Stop Paying Artists For Time In Songs When They’re Not Singing 
Trump Generously Offers To Do Jobs Of Legislative And Judicial Branches Too 
White House searching for orange mountain range for Trump face carving 
How To Be A More Decisive Person 
Local woman makes old Barbies kiss just to feel something 
Scientists urged to divert attention away from Coronavirus vaccine to create pillow that stays cool all night 
War criminal George W. Bush moves to distance himself from Ellen 
Staff Engineer tired of hearing about clogged toilets 
WWN’s Exclusive Q&A With An Irish Meat Baron 
Vindication For Man Who Said ‘It’s Just The Flu’ As Covid-19 Cases Reach 20 Million Worldwide 
Eight things to do when your holiday cottage is hit by a massive storm 
Teachers are the real bastards, says government 
Russian Covid vaccine to be tested on Salisbury door handles 
Donald Trump evacuated from White House briefing room for his own protection after reporter asks him to count to ten 
Twitter finally bans Hitler after 80 years of racist tweets 
Where are your retired parents getting their fake news from? 
Britain warned to expect month’s worth of rain chat in two hours 
Prince Edward now officially seen more often in public than Prince Andrew. More later. 
Post SWS Survey on Franchise Shows 3 Out Of 4 Respondents Were ABS-CBN Employees 
Players’ favourite games at the casino 
A-level student can’t wait to find out what his teacher guessed his grades were 
Sports Journalism Now Redundant Following Rise Of Forwarded WhatsApps From A Bloke Who Knows 
Mum Doesn’t Know If You’ve Noticed But She Really Needs To Get Cracking On The Bougainvillea 
Report: New Zealand Just Showing Off Now 
PM Puzzled Why Workers Who Have COVID19 And Are Ineligible For JobKeeper Don’t Just Stay Home 
Internet Explorer now only used to download better browsers 
Broncos Life Member Says It’s Always Been More About The QCup In Brisbane Anyway 
Whole of Australia now doing 20-second hand wash in just 5 seconds 
Lockheed Martin waves shiny metal dick at Canadian government in $19 billion mating display 
Darren Grimes jokes, Keir Starmer jokes and Russia jokes 
Shocking Video Emerges Of Biden Saying Something Completely Coherent 
Christian Reading The Book Of Revelation Suddenly Realizes He Is On The Right Side Of History 
Citing a culture of fear, anti-maskers remove stop signs 
Rock the Vote: 
Time Travel Awards 
The Technobreak is real, it’s tangible, but should be available as an app soon 
Anti-lockdown literature regulations are harsh but necessary 
Kanye West Says That He Has Received 793,702 Threats Since He Announced He's Running for President 
The Houston Astros and The Oakland A’s Brawl Could End Up Getting Each Team Hit with a $1 Million Fine 
When Is It Okay For A Dub To Use The C-Word? 
Newly metamorphosed SECNAV emerges from cocoon 
Boris Johnson says it’s morally indefensible to keep schools closed – the only 5 brutal takedowns you need to read 
IATF Imposes Nationwide Ban On Pulutan 
‘Dan Andrews is a dictator!’ bemoans man who can vote for someone else at next election without repercussion 
‘No, I can’t help you sue 3M’ by your brigade JAG officer 
TikTok ban exposes PSYOPs-led secret dance battle with China 
GMA7, PTV4 Launch New Joint Talk Show 
BAT BOY NAILS COGNITIVE TEST! 
56-YEAR-OLD MAN WINS ANIMAL CROSSING 
Coronavirus gives your weekend safety briefing 
Tokyo Reaches ‘Atsui Ne’ Yearly Peak 
Anesthesia Attending Listens to Residents’ Plan Before Telling Them What to Do 
The Chaser Report – Ep 17 – A message from Professor Trump 
Philippines Makes It To Guinness World Records! 
BRUTE TAMED BY PIXIES! 
Easy Student Side Hustles That You Can Do From Home 
CAN YOU TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PEOPLE AND PUPPETS? 
IATF Approves No-Cost Alternative To Motorcycle Barriers 
Borderline, Bipolar, and Depression Combined into One Diagnosis to Make Psychiatrist’s Lives Even Easier 
Report: Most People Will Survive Pandemic, But Their Livers Will No 
Unused Mammogram Machine Repurposed as Hospital Panini Press 
Maternity Wards Stockpile Billions of Diapers to Prepare for Onslaught of Pandemic Babies 
Donald Trump wants to delay the election – 9 vote-winning responses 
Phone Call Between Putin and Trump Regarding Value of American Lives 
Here LIES the Trump Administration, 2016-2020 Trump’s Choices for Its Gravestone Epitaph 
This skewering of Boris Johnson’s obesity drive wins our letter of the week 
Shoppers must wear masks in England but not until 24 July – only 5 responses you need