Katie L Lindley is compassionate, intuitive and optimistic. This site was born to help others navigate through relationships and life. Every article is written as a guidepost. They are all based on my past mistakes and awakenings. Readers will enjoy a vicarious peek into a world full of love, dating, single-hood, and life-changing moments.
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” Phyllis Diller
I have blogged social media. I have blogged reality TV. Now I guess it is time to blog “The Bachelor”, the guiltiest of television shows that I can imagine. Spurred on by Kelly Ripa and Ellen Pompeo, criticism draws attention.
The formula is always the same thanks to the writers, script, and careful casting. No actors needed, as the newbie’s follow along with the idea of going to wonderful locations and beating out the next guy or girl, for chance for love, hopeful fantasy suites. Or the slim but gleaming thought of being the staring headliner for the next show. Boo yah.
Many of us viewers gather together with wine in hand to watch this show, a whole nation, hence coined ‘Bachelor Nation’. Do we sit and mock from our living rooms recliners? Of course! With guilty pleasure enjoying how they lead us along like puppets in a matinee. The editors are brilliant. The casting is brilliant, the set, wardrobe and world-class locations, fantastic. A complicated love story, a travel show, with the unpredictability of reality tv. Crossing the lines between sincere moments to utter fantasy.
Part of the famed formula is putting two people under stressful adrenaline situations. That chemically tricks the brain into bonding. A flight or flight rushing through your body and you’re in love! As the viewers sit back and watch the perfectly outfitted and made-up singles soaring, or dangling, into nerved-wracked love. Amazing!
I love the Bachelorettes not put up with crap from the guys, strong women with boundaries. I do not see Hanna, the current Bachelorette, strong yet, but I will tune in to see if she gets better direction to guide her to boot out the shenanigans more efficiently. Show me some grit girl! Hana’s attitude with finger pointing and marching off, seems very motherly to me and unappealing. However, she is brave to sign up for the made for television journey for sure. I will reserve judgment on Hanna as I will painfully, gleefully tune-in on Monday nights.
On the other hand, very unrealistic having that many possible mates fawning over one person. Gross, I would walk the other way. Seriously I can understand falling in love with two people at once, and I have!… but a whole litter? Yikes, no good can come of that! Once again, a reason to watch, implausibility kicked up.
The cast members all learn the camera and have directions as what to say and so on. Like a grown-up kid’s camp, everything is taken care of and then they let the cast members loose. Part of the magic has to be in editing as they make us see the crazy, focus on the crazy, watch the fights, misunderstandings, heartfelt sobbing, (why didn’t they pick me?), the kissing. Yes, there is a great deal of kissing. I wish I could give a class on kissing, as the ones who do not accomplish a great kiss make me cringe.
If you watch the show, you ‘all know it is preposterous?!? Go ahead and choose your favorites that the editing sways you towards. There is no intelligence in watching the Bachelor/Bachelorette, that is why we tune in, because we can tune out without a thought in our pretty little heads.
Happy reading, happy watching…
My Mantra: “Strong opinions about silly things makes people notice”
“Take chances, make mistakes. That’s how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave.” Mary Tyler Moore
We put on different faces for different roles we sign up for.
Work, friends, spouse, family, dating, parenting, neighbors, the bedroom, you name it, a slightly different version of ourselves may appear. Many secrets hide out of site, what we don’t know, we don’t know, we cannot guess.
Recently I had a dear friend tell me she was faking it for most of her life. I knew what she meant and my heart broke for her.
However, all of us fake it mostly every day, but certainly at one time or another. For the sake of getting along or moving up the cooperate ladder, there we are with our plastered-on face.
How about on a first date? Putting our best foot forward is a social must. How much do we hide when we start to like someone?I have sat in front of countless meet-and-greet first dates. Accumulating more experience than I care to admit. Looking at myself often times my nerves were wracked as I tried to posture myself in the best light. Other times, I admit, if I knew I did not like the guy, I would tell him outlandish things. Putting on a bizarre face, that should scare off any normal human, often times eliciting a wry smile. If they dug crazy, they’d ask for a second date, uh no thank you.
Even with my best of friends I am sure that my response at times, reflected positive rather than my yelling thoughts (you’re officially a dumb-ass). There are times for brutal honesty but better served when solicited. Smiling friend face showed up.
The face that I put on has changed throughout the years. I have found myself very accepting of people I do not like, nor do they like me. I do not expect, or even want everyone to like me. I used to crave fitting in and everyone liking me, no more. I am grateful that I know who I want to spend time with. I know where I can be real, I have friends that accept me and I accept them.
“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” Clint Eastwood
Life is fluid with changes always. You can evade many things in life, but change is not one of them.
My son got married. A joyous occasion with his sweetheart. I have loved his now wife for years as she taught me how to write and coached me through my/our first book. We shared much laughter and some tears, as the pages unfolded themselves. The book we wrote was based on my life.
Weddings are a place where family gathers for a union, to support a love that promises to have and hold from that day forward. I think their commitment started before that day, but a wedding for my ninety-something parents to attend was spot on.
My ex-husband showed up for our son’s big day. As I chatted with my former husband, I was aware it had been decade or more since we had sat down together. His life is good, but sad as his mother was at deaths door. I gave him my heartfelt sympathy and was glad he made the trip for our son’s wedding.
Later that day finding out that his mother passed after ninety-three years of a long strong life. She held her beauty and strength until the end, that did not surprise me. As a new Mrs. came in, another Mrs. passed. There is poetic beauty in life and its unending irony.
Accepting change as it comes will lead to a happier existence. Trying to fight the tide of change albeit a thing, will only get you tossed around in the current of life.
Trying to design my life to be what fits for me makes sense. However, some of the changes that arrived no one can plan for. It is within those changes that I have grown. Yes, I had pitched a tantrum in the currents of change, doing me no good at all. It is when I released and discover where I went wrong, and that life can be unfair, that I was able to step away from the stormy waters.
Many heartfelt blessings to the new Mr. and Mrs. and much love surrounding the loss of a lovely mother, wife, grandmother, mother-in-law, and more.
A wedding one weekend and a funeral the next. Life is always and forever full.
‘Dream your life, live your dreams.’ French proverb
I recently wrote a blog, I needed to change. I recognized in myself that I could do better. Aside from expensive, important, painful years of counseling, a life coach, or a guided group trip through mind altering drugs how does one get to the other side? How could I change to support my dreams?
No matter what change you want to make, prosperity, love, health, home, job, relationships. The formula is the same, it is the relationship you/I have with those things that insists on change or makes us stay stuck. Deeply rooted patterns and beliefs.
Ah ha moments can come, touch our hearts, and then BAM back to the same ole shenanigans. Change is easier said than done. Reading self-help books since I was a teen, I was forever seeking the why of it all. Looking at relationships that were successful and those that failed drove me like a freight train.
Failing at two marriages sent me further into wanting to understand, myself. Trust me, I spent time curled up in a ball on the floor, I was not impervious to f-ups. I sought consoling, trying to heal my inner me, gag. Went to aHealerthat was intuitive and rather effective, pretty cool. All that being said, I knew if I wanted to pursue my dream, I needed to make changes.
It has been my experience that recognizing my trigger points, and the well-formed ‘relationships’ of those trigger points.Those hot buttons or dark agreements can hinder going forward with dreams. My broken pissed off little self that was in fight or failure mode based on nothing that is in my here and now. BINGO! Recognizing, step one.
Taking action that is uncomfortable and unfamiliar. Now that I could see my self-placed road-blocks the path was clearer. If you have a dream in your heart and don’t take actions steps, even small ones, your dreams will just become faded ideas. Taking action, step two.
I wrote a book, I found a team, I pushed forward most every day for five and a half years. That book is published and brave. I shared my story, I worked out what was in my heart, moving forward I let my dream show up in black and white, something you can put your hands on, a book.
Pushing through a bunch of no’s, step three. Is failure a part of success, or change? I am not certain, but not being afraid to fail is powerful. I had been told I could never write a book. I was not properly educated to be an author, why was my voice different than anyone else? It wasn’t, it isn’t, I just pushed forward, I had to. For me anything else was not a choice. I was driven not to let my dream die.
Now I have been told I have to spend a gob ton of money to promote my book, my dream. I have yet to do that. Right now, anyone who reads “A Man for Every Purpose”, I am grateful. Those that can relate and become empowered that is the equation that counts.
Maybe the next step is listening to those that have made it to the other side? Maybe the next step for me would be different that it would be for you? Small changes can create large impact. Celebrate even the smallest shifts that will lead to the next shift. Let your dream become a part of your story.
My Mantra: “Changes and dreams are beauty of life”
“A really strong woman accepts the war she went through and is ennobled by her scars.” Carly Simon
I have finally grown into my best bitch self, and I am good with that. You may think of bitch as a bad thing, but I don’t.
As I have come to know, a bitch as a strong woman with clear boundaries that is tenacious, I like her. Bitch does not compare herself to the women that surround her. She is not afraid to fall or to fail because she has done both. She is tough as nails and won’t back down. Going after what one wants against the odds, the obstacles will not disturb the bitch, she fears them not.
She can be soft and use her feminine wiles,because she is smart and knows how to bless herself and those around her with that exact combination. A good bitch, so to speak, possess the power of a ‘Kind Queen’.
Women get bad raps for going after men’s roles in work. They get called names at the water cooler and beyond. No matter how strong you are, mean words cut. It is important to support our fellow women; emancipation is not complete. The me-too movement has just begun.The more solidarity we have, the stronger our voices will be.
Support your female friend, send them encouragement. Create a safe space to bitch, vent, bemoan, exercise your right to let it out. Then move on, do not get trapped in a bad space.
Even in today’s modern world ‘The bitch’ has been portrayed as a bad thing. I am not so sure maybe the bitch in her (or him) will drive her to accomplish, complete, hang onto her dreams a bit harder. Maybe the feisty in the female is what we need? We understand our soft side, let’s get in touch with our strong side. No matter what we call it we are all just trying day to day to figure it out. Big picture or small picture let’s find our voice, this is no time to be shy.
Now my journey looks much differently I gather together with women that love books, wine, prayer, and support. Within the sacred confines of fellow females often times lies a safe place. Purging can look like a bitch session, letting out all that is trapped inside. Let it be real, fun and honest. Trust should lie between your girl group, you are all goddesses, and your feminine energy, can be powerful, healing, and enlightening.
If being a bitch means having a voice then speak up! Understanding body language and tonal quality land a stronger meaning. Kind coolness with a direct communication. I no longer will be shut down, some may choose to disagree, or not listen, and that is perfectly fine.
Cheers to all the strong women of the world that will never give up. To those who run from wrong and stand up for what they feel is right. If you are a bitch be the good bitch of the north and all will be right in the land of female love. Bitches can be kind, kindness should be with us always.
My Mantra: “It is always a blessing to support our fellow women”
“Pretty soon now you’re gonna get older,Time may change me,
But I can’t trace time”…David Bowie Changes Lyrics
When my sweet hairstylist asked me a simple question, I had a mini public melt down. Change is hard, I’ve felt it most recently. Why is it when things are humming along, we would never consider change? Why would we?… There we are in the land of the great familiar.
“Do you need change”?
I responded knowing the respected confidence of a hairdresser is second only to a therapist. She simply asked me,I responded knowing the respected confidence of a hairdresser is second only to a therapist. She simply asked me,
“I had been experiencing an identity crisis of sorts” I babbled on with tears gliding down my cheeks. “I now am in the role of taking care of my parents”.
The small child in me was stubbornly fighting this fact of life, coupled with other unpleasant realities, that low and behold required attention. I am well aware I am a big grown girl, but in my heart, I was collapsing like a small child not getting my way. I continued,
“My parents had always been there for me, and now they need me as they are in the winter of their life” I heard ‘winter of life’ in a movie somewhere.
She listened with patience and reassured me to feel what I was feeling that was a faster route to acceptance. I knew she was correct however in a solon all teary I also understood I had a ways to go. I had found myself wanting to sleep and I knew that I was struggling with a life change that most all of us go through.
It seemed to me that change often times is brought about by something hard, bad, uncomfortable. Then we are forced to pivot and look at things differently. Look at ourselves differently and ultimately understand that we would in fact endure change. That change really somehow will be better. Death, divorce, job loss, illness, injury, moving, accident, bam there we are trying to navigate a new normal.
Even a new love, or positive change can require adaptation. This world we were put in is chalk full of change, the ability to adjust and reinvent is survival.
Change and growth can be as enlightening as we allow it to be.Breaking free from old habits and patterns that may not have served us. A blessing that shows up in disguise as scary and unwanted. A blessing that may be work but in the end a journey we would accept and encourage others that are facing changes as well.
My journey has endured of a great deal of unwelcome loss that brought me to my knees, more than once. Facing change, I learned to pick myself up and smile again. My story is no different than anyone else’s, learning as I go, overcoming changes, and recognizing my identity is in flux.
I raised the back of my hand to wipe my tears. My hairdresser gave me a heartfelt side hug. As I made my way home, I knew what I was struggling with, all the changes surrounding me, I could not hide from. Somehow, I knew that letting my emotions bubble to the surface was just what I needed. That my mini-melt down in the solon would prove to be acceptable. Feeling certain that others have wept in that very chair before, and others will weep after. I do not have the paten on tears or on melting down. I guess I am just really blessed I had a wise tender ear at the right moment.
My Mantra: “Do I need to change? Hell yes! Egad, growing pains.”
“Always be kind, especially in times when it seems like everyone is giving up on each other. Love harder.” Madeline Brewer
Sometimes relationships reach the end of the road. For whatever reason, what was once marvelous no longer holds shine. You may have silently battled this out in your head without sharing with your partner, I understand. Before you turn in your significant other think about the relationship… I have visited the used husband/boyfriend store and it is not looking all that swell. Much like trading in one set of problems for the next, messy business.
Do you know and understand your love languages and your partners? Love languages can be key to feeling loved and appreciated. Gary Chapman wrote a book “The Five Languages of Love”, I have given this book away at least twenty-five times. It is an easy read and when I read it I understood many peoples love language beyond my current love.
As I peeled through relationships like an onion painfully discovering myself, I also got closer to understanding my own love language. Seeing how I am an author and blogger it is no great leap that my main love language is words. My book is about a woman earnestly searching for love and it is very relatable, strung with pearls of wisdom. All of our journeys are very different yet very much the same. A simple matter of the heart.
Another important thing to know is the people you chose to be with is your choice. If you consider yourself a bad ‘picker’ trust me a bad pick is what you will get every time. The adjustment for a more fulfilled love is the shift that takes place when you realize it was not ‘them’ it was you with them, it was you choosing them, it was you continuing with them. You allowed it and continued with whatever ill-fitted match you were in.
There is great emancipation in knowing your culpability. Self-forgiveness may feel like a huge undertaking but the results often time will cause a significant shift.
Love is always worth it. Love is meant to help us grow. It is not a bubble and then onto the next bubble, that is hormones. Love takes place with self-awareness and great consideration toward your other half. I don’t consider all the love drama an easy task. However, the more you know about yourself, your love language and how to show love to your spouse the closer you get to feeling safe, appreciated, and heard.
Have a voice do not let your relationship slip away without a word, without a fight, without a voice. I have lost loves due to my stubborn silence coupled with denial, and that was nothing short of tragic. Learning as I went along I kept record and ultimately wrote about my love journey.
Read my book “A Man for Every Purpose, My Naked Journey Searching for Love” www.amanforeverypurpose.com and of course “The Five Languages of Love”. Know that you are not alone on your love journey.
My Mantra: “It is ok to fight for love, learning lessons within ourselves”
“The more one loves a mistress, the more one is ready to hate her.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
The forbidden fruit looks so ripe, damn. The neighbor next door seems so nice. Is the grass looking greener on the other side of the fence? I get it, home presents a piled up to-do list.
Bright and shiny does the unavailable look, no strings, no hassle. Who are we kidding? When sex is involved all bets are off. A strange thing called love could show up in your misguided affair, and the love you feel may or may not be mutual.
Where is your new lover during major holidays? Birthdays and kid’s celebrations? Where are you when family is family? Drinking with your friends, wondering how Christmas could ever feel that lonely? A call, a gift before or after, but never will you get the holiday meal.
An affair calls for seconds in every realm, that is the role of the mistress.
Do you think somehow you can change their mind with your abandon love making skills? Think again, remember holidays? This scenario will most likely end in huge mess of tears and self-doubt. Wondering why you would compromise with an unavailable person? You chose an unavailable, it is all on you. There are available lovers out there why didn’t you go that route? A good time to examine when you are riddled with self-flagellants and endless tears.
I had been there, dreadful. He was living in an apartment separating from his wife. It did not turn out that way. It seemed in that case he got himself a man-cave for a solid time out. I was the girl that landed in tears. They, the married couple, worked out their problems, I am happy for that. However, that does not negate the emotional crossfire I experienced in that awful love triangle.
I wrote a book sharing my love journey, if you can learn from others this read is for you. If not, a fun entertaining read endlessly searching for true love. “A Man for Every Purpose, My Naked Journey Searching for Love.” www.amanforeverypurpose.com.
I have also been on the rotten side of being cheated on. A pain I would wish on no one. Being lied to and losing your best friend all at once, confusion reigned.
If you are married and thinking about an affair… man up or woman up and tell your spouse, the one you once promised fidelity to. That way you both have a chance and your real feelings are brought into the light. Fair is fair and that is fair, an affair, not so much. Cheating is cowardice and for the weak liars of this world. If going outside your union for love tell the one you’re united with. You never know, they say cheating has to do with the way you feel not a sexual based matter. Perhaps by sharing with your spouse those feelings can be real for both of you?
Becoming a mistress may equal missing out. No judgement, just heated advice, save yourself the sorrow.
My Mantra: “Life and love can make turns that can lead you in the wrong direction, make a u-turn”
“I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.” Audrey Hepburn
Dating options have changed. There are dating coach’s out there that will literally prey upon the wounded soul making a fortune on pain and vulnerably.
They may be selling the big screen romance that we love to watch and read about. True love happing endings that will complete me garbage. I love to watch such movies, adore them really, but to think of them as real is nonsense! They are fantasy and real love that shows up and hangs around is much different.
Relationship advisors and match makers, I don’t necessarily agree with their tactics. They may tell you what to do, they may give you a list of behaviors that are going to help you reel in the right one. Many things they say I do understand; some things I admit are clever. However, tweaking your genuine self to get your desired outcome I do not agree with, not one little bit. They may have some tidbits of advice but they are capitalizing on loneliness, dreadful.
Can we be smarter to do better? Yes, all day long that formula is no huge secret.
What am I saying? The one thing that is a guarantee life changes, and so do people. With life being fluid knowing who you are, moreover who you are in a relationship will help you immensely. Where were you in life when you attracted so-and-so? Has your insight into yourself led you to understand and attract differently? Relationship repeaters will continue all day long with the same outcome and list of complaints even with a different partner. Do you know that person? Have you been that person? Passing on the hard lessons? Trading in one for the other will not work because, guess what? You are still in the relationship.
When you can take one hundred percent responsibility for your culpability then you are ready to graduate to a better connection. Forgiving yourself, releasing the last connection with love, as it is no longer right for you.
Dreadful harboring hard blaming feelings towards your ex. That will keep you stuck in a bad place swallowed up by hurt and negative feelings. I know I have been there more than once.
If you are out in the dating world, date smart. Check out the person that you will be meeting for coffee. There are weirdos but you will not attract them, still be smart. Like a gumshoe detective.
Be the observer not the salesman. You are fine being by yourself there is not a hint of desperation on you. You do not give a crap if you get the final rose.
You are the prize for the right one and know your worth. Making or not making a list of what you are looking for is not as important as know what truly brings you joy. Trying to mold into someone else’s world is hard enough, stick to who you are, be yourself all the way. If some person doesn’t want to spend time with you know there are many options and they are opting out. Do not go after a person that does not want you.
Life is short, spend it with someone who you can laugh with.
My Mantra: “I am blessed that my book is helping others in their love journey”
“I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.” Wendy Liebman
You fell in love, married, had kids. Yep there it was, all in living color. When you had your precious bundle of joy you thought…Where’s the handbook?
Later that picture was much different than you could ever imagine. Now divorced, settling into your new life you think…Where’s the handbook?
The guidance for being newly divorced and a single parent comes with more questions than answers.
I know I have walked the walk. It seemed like all around me were ‘marrieds’, that did not help. They seemed to shy away from me. When there is a death, the community surrounds you with sympathy and casseroles. When you are divorced you are avoided from simple acquaintances. Nothing seems fair because it is not. Your friend groups may divide.
With me I lost my friend group. My social situation was disturbed. I had a few friends that still reached out to both of us like a custody of exes.
The whole situation made me tired. I had to care for the kids, homework, lunches, dinner, juggle working, manage the house, seeing my husband as my ex-husband, lastly I feebly tried to find a way to take care of myself. I did not have time to process what divorce meant for me and I was last on my todo check list.
I learned later that had my priorities shifted we would have all done better. If I would have sought my own consoling or joined a divorce group. Anything that would have helped me heal how torn up I felt about myself. About the man that I married who quickly moved on and remarried. I never took time to figure it out I just threw my ailing self on loving our kids.
An adjustment for all including you but not limited to the kids, surrounding family, myself and my ex.
All righty then, it is time to date! You are done feeling like a sticky mommy and suddenly your new requirement is to feel like you are desirable.
The more you heal the better you will attract someone who has also healed. Leave behind your divorce story, at least at the beginning. If you are dating online, be wise, investigate and use your gut instinct. Don’t fall for the sales pitch and the too cool guy, they are probably doing the dating circuit and your part of the merry go round, pass.
Dress nicely but not too much too soon. Guys may stare at your cleavage but they know so is the server. One time my top was desperately too low, yes I was desperate and wore it. I was super nervous and stooped over to pick up my cell phone on the floor and my left tit popped out. This was worse than it sounded as I sat down I had to readjust. Thank the Lord for napkin in my lap as it doubled as a curtain in attempt hid my nipple shame. Yes, eyes were on me, and I could not ‘bare’ to see new date again. Keep the girls tucked away until you know you like him.
Read more about my decades of dating adventures, true loves, and mishaps at www.amanforeverypurpose.com.
Let a friend know who you are meeting and where, just to be safe. Lastly leave the kids out of it.
Do not bring around Mr. Next guy until you are sure he is there for you and them.
It is not as scary as it sounds. I had fun meeting new men and kept some as friends rather than dates. If it was not a fit, I knew right away and just was polite. I kept myself private even the car I drove. It was all right to be guarded because that was how I was feeling at the time.
My Mantra: “Life and love are always changing, no losing, just learning”