I wanted to write a piece to help a lot of my readers. I chose the age of 40 because I wanted to make it clear that this article is for women who need help surviving a breakup of a long-term relationship.
All breakups hurt, but when you have been a part of a duo for decades it can be especially painful. The years when you took care of yourself are most likely distant memories. You gave and gave and gave.
And now you are alone.
Who do I turn to? What do I do right now? Where is any glimmer of hope?
Let me be your glimmer of hope. I have a few unorthodox ideas.
Ball your eyes out
I’m not kidding. Ball your friggin’ eyes out until you are out of tears. But I want you to do this with one catch: Set a specific time limit on this. Three days or one week, I don’t care, but no longer.
Stop and consider
In between crying, you will have sudden points when you stop and act completely normal – like nothing ever happened. Your mind is taking a break and not letting you think about him – kind of a self-defensive mechanism.
During one of these timeouts, I want you to feel your pain and decide that it is beautiful. Understand that what you are experiencing is a part of love – it’s just the opposite swing of the pendulum. Don’t fight it, embrace it and tell yourself you loved like only a human can and you are better for it. Realize that the people who really should be crying are the ones who never loved. You did.
And then smile.
Write the letter
Tell him everything. What you loved about him, what you hated, the great times you remember and the shit that you couldn’t stand about him. Add anything else you want to say. Get angry. Yell and scream. Then cry again if you must.
Burn the letter
You didn’t think I was going to have you send it did you? No. This letter isn’t telling him you forgive him, it’s giving you permission to move on. Do it and feel the finality as you watch the letter burn.
Make a decision
While the letter is still smoldering, tell yourself there is a new and exciting life waiting and ready for you and you will love again soon. Tell yourself it starts tomorrow.
In the morning
Exercise hard. This isn’t about slimming down. When you workout, “happy” chemicals are released into your body. These chemicals will make you feel stronger and more positive and will combat the negative chemicals banging around, making you feel miserable. You need these hormones and they are easy to produce by working out hard.
Connect with nature
Don’t ask why, just do it! Go snowshoeing, walk on a beach or get lost on some wonderful hiking trail. Nature cures. Google the why if you need to, I don’t care, but get out there and let your senses take it all in like you have never experienced before. Nature is Gods natural drug – get addicted!
Gather your entourage
Gather around you your closest friends and family members. Tell them you need them to keep you busy and upbeat. They will know what to do. Stay at their house for a few nights. Go out to eat. Shop. Buy yourself something. Encourage them to take on a new hobby with you. Be alone as little as possible.
Book a vacation
Do it now. You are feeling better and you won’t sulk in Cozumel while skinny dipping!
Embrace the change
Change your life. Change your daily coffee watering hole. Start creating your new and vibrant social life. Change your dress and change your hair – heck why not! Today is the day you get mad and break out. Your ex is dead to you and now you have entered the “You know, I can do a whole lot better than him” stage.
You didn’t expect that one, did you? I am a dating and life coach who knows all about reversing the crappy thoughts your conscious mind is feeding your subconscious. I talk to my readers. Go read my reviews on Amazon.
Surviving a Breakup in Your 40’s just got a whole lot easier!
When you get dumped or you dump him, you need a plan. A plan to get over your breakup fast!
#1: Establish Your Chick Retreat
Every guy has, or at least tries to have, his own Man Cave. We all get a chuckle out of this place, but the truth is this is a more powerful place than you may have imagined. The Man Cave is where a guy can be himself and have his fun – without you.
You, my dear, need a chick retreat! This setting will help you get over your breakup fast. You are welcome to call it something different. Your Chick Retreat is where you go to feel safe and calm. Much like the Man Cave, this is a place all yours. No Men Allowed! No negative thoughts about your ex are allowed in the Chick Retreat. Here, only good things take place. This is where healing and positive attitude advancement happens. This is where you re-set.
This retreat can exist in multiple places, but your main retreat should be in or very near your home. It should be somewhere close enough to go to in a pinch. Mine is in my indoor hot tub room because I live in the city. When I lived in the country, it was in my backyard, on top of a large boulder. Secondary spots can work too, like a friend’s house or even a table with your local masseuse.
Regardless of where it is, set it up. When I enter my hot tub room, I dim the lights, close the door, and settle into the tub. I take multiple deep breaths and play new age music in the background. This is my decompress mode. I clear my mind and meditate. Once I hear the slam of the door, there is a clear change inside me. I am relaxed. Nothing, I mean nothing, toxic comes through that door.
Yes, my mind wants to wander and think about what is bothering me, and there is always plenty, but I pull back into my zone. After ten to thirty minutes, I come out and relax in my chair, located in the same room. Sometimes at this point, I might brainstorm ideas for future books or I might just have a glass of wine and day dream.
Other times, I have friends over and we crank tunes and smoke cigars. This is your room, there are no rules except one – it is always a special and happy place. The power of your chick retreat is an incredible way to get over your breakup fast and until you set one up under these pretenses, you won’t what I’m talking about. It’s a powerful, and even spiritual place for you to advance your thinking. Life changes occur in this special retreat.
#2: You’re More Beautiful than You Think! Stop Being Your Own Worst Enemy
Here is my second way for you to get over your breakup fast.
I read a lot of crap every day and I’m sure you do too, but somedays, I come across something which makes a lasting impact on me and I feel the need to share it with you. This is one of those things!
I’m talking about a YouTube video that came out years ago and has over 66 million views! I saw it last year for the first time when it was brought to my attention. Since then, I have sent it to hundreds of my readers who couldn’t find the strength to get over their breakups. I base some of my coaching principles around this special video.
Before I disclose this video, I need to preface it by talking about the evil voices most of us have in our heads at one time or another, especially after a breakup. The more stories I hear from the women I coach, the more I’m convinced there is an evil person in the room…and his or her name is you!
I’m talking about the one person who constantly harasses you – YOU! Every day, people are subjected to a constant onslaught of internal insults – stuff like “I’m not good enough”, or “I will never survive this breakup” or “he will never love me.”
Is this the voice inside of you? Do you say these things without even being aware of it? This evil person lies within, and you may not be able to control her without intervention.
Most people will go to their grave with this insulting person. Stop this evil voice today – start right now! Negative Nelly is slowly killing you, and when I say killing you I mean killing you! She will affect your health, your relationships, your career and everything else important to you. Kill her off and displace her with a new, positive voice, then watch the heavens open.
“But Gregg…how do I get rid of this voice? It sounds hard!”
You get rid of Negative Nelly with affirmations, and believe me, they work! You’ve heard of them and probably even made fun of them, but has anyone taught you how to do affirmations and why they work? Have you talked to someone who has broken through, changed their bad habit and accomplished great things?
No? Well, now you have! Every day I do them, and every day you can find me strongly urging one of my readers to use them. I too once thought this was hocus pocus nonsense. When my mentor started teaching me, I laughed. I’d look in the mirror and tell myself “I love you”, but I didn’t believe it.
The truth is, I hated myself and nobody was going to take that away from me. I was wrong. My mentor was persistent! He didn’t give up until I promised I would commit to saying my affirmations until I believed them. This, studies say, takes most people 66 days, on average. I did it in 35.
Life changing? Yes. Easy? Easier than I ever thought possible. The bottom line is this: most people are their own worst enemy. In this video, the most phenomenal video I’ve ever seen, you will see a powerful example of just what we’ve been talking about.
“Where’s the friggin’ video, Gregg?!” I thought you would never ask! Watch the video now click HERE
Take these 2 tips and use them. They will help you get over your breakup fast I promise! Oh, and if you need tests to find out if you dating a loser and need to break up click here: Am I Dating a Loser?
Groundhog Day got me thinking how sometimes women act like groundhogs when they are trying to find a man of their dreams.
How can I be so insulting you ask? Well, for instance, we only hear about groundhogs once a year when they pop their heads out to see if anyone sees their shadow or not. I see many women doing the same thing.
You can’t find a man of your dreams if you only pop your head out once a year! In other words you need to pop out often so you make opportunities for yourself to find a man of your dreams.
Yeah, yeah, you tell me you just can’t find him and yet when I ask how many hours the past week you dedicated yourself to trying I get, “Ah, well, I popped my head out to go grocery shopping and saw a cute guy does that count?”
No, because you went out to get Cheerios and not to find a man of your dreams.
Finding a man of your dreams needs to be treated like a job. A fun job!
Here are my top 3 tips:
Take advantage of all the opportunities life gives you.
If you see a cute guy getting in the elevator, get in the elevator and follow him to his floor! Have a line ready to go. “I’m lost can you help me find the cafeteria?” “and are you hungry?” If you are at a local fair and you see a couple of guys eating cotton candy – go eat cotton candy!
Mix up your routine
I bet most of your days are like the movie Groundhog Day. I bet you drive through the same coffee joint and you eat at the same place for lunch and you work out at the same gym at the same time. I get it. People get into habits. Break the habit and change your routine so you get new exposure to different people. Go to a different Starbucks. Go inside if you normally do drive throughs. Quit your gym and join a different gym or go to your gym at different hours.
This is a weird yet great tip that I would use to meet women in my earlier years and now I still use it to meet new people. Train yourself to be funny by watching comedians. Watch them on YouTube. Yes, you can make yourself a funnier person that people will love. Men are attracted to women that are funny! Study how the pros get people to laugh with their lines and delivery and come up with your own personal style. You can be a funny, adorable, groundhog!
Furthermore, knowing that you can make a guy laugh will bring you the confidence to jump on that elevator, so you can ask him to lunch.
Are you getting my point?
I have about 20 or so set lines in my “get them to laugh arsenal” that always work. I just need to place myself in the situation or set up the situation to make use of them.
For example, I love to eat rare steak. I have a place near Delray Beach Florida where it’s totally normal to eat alone at an outside bar. Lots of people eat alone. I make it a point to sit down next to a person I want to meet. Then, when my steak arrives I poke the thing with my fork and I say out loud, “A skilled veterinarian could bring this back to life!”
Everyone who has ever heard this has laughed profusely. If a woman said that to me I would love to talk to her. Try it!
So you see you are no match for a groundhog when it comes to finding the man of your dreams so pop out of your apartment/condo/house more often so us guys can see your shadow!
How to get over a breakup just got a whole lot easier! Breakups are terrible, and they do their own kind of damage on your confidence and self-esteem. In most of my books, I am trying to help you learn how to attract or keep a man and confidence always plays a role in that process but you’re in a different place.
Your knee-jerk reaction might be to get right back out there and find another guy but I am going to ask you to hold off on that process for a while – at least until you read this book!
I know. Your friends and family are telling you to get back on the horse – not to be afraid – to forget that jerk and find a great guy. I agree with all of that, but I don’t agree with the timing. So much is going on in your mind and body right now that processing a new relationship would not end well.
Before you can get back out there, you need to process the breakup. There are many things going on in your mind and body right now that you need to address. As we are about to discover, both your mind and your body are impacted by a breakup in ways you can’t even imagine. Those effects are causing you to react to things in certain, sometimes counterproductive ways.
I’ll bet you didn’t know that there are scientifically proven physiological responses to a breakup. Not only does your body react to a breakup, but it does so in a big way. Science (Helen Fisher) tells us that your body goes through a legitimate withdrawal process after a breakup.
When you are happy and in love, you are producing higher than normal amounts of what we can call happy neurotransmitters: dopamine, oxytocin and serotonin. The research I just mentioned, conducted by my friend, Helen Fisher, indicates that recovering from this withdrawal is more difficult than withdrawal from a cocaine addiction – those chemicals are that powerful in your body.
When you suffer withdrawal from these chemicals, you feel physical pain more intensely and you may seek out activities which boost your dopamine levels, like binge eating, shopping or becoming sexually promiscuous. Without knowing why you’re doing those things, you still may engage in them because they make you feel better, even if temporarily.
Instead of binge eating, you could lose your appetite, which could indicate that you’ve slid into a depression. You may also have many restless or sleepless nights. This often happens when you’re fixating on the happy moments of the relationship or the breakup itself.
My next book called He’s Gone Now What? How to Get Over a Breakup is split into three phases. Phase 1 explains to you everything that’s going on in your mind and body and helps you understand the strategies you need to counter these things. Phase 2 takes you through the process of healing from the breakup. You’ll find strategies for proceeding through your pain into a healthier, more independent and ready for a relationship you. In Phase 3, you’re going to examine some new methods for finding Mr. Right. What you’ve done so far hasn’t worked out so well, so we want to be sure, throughout this process, that we uncover why that is and learn some new tools which will work for you.
Look for He’s Gone Now What? How to Get Over a Breakup in early March.
As always if you have questions or thoughts on what you would like addressed in this book, please leave a comment below or email me at Gregg@WhoHoldsTheCardsNow.com and I will get it inside the book!
How will you welcome in the New Year? Will you do the same thing that didn’t work last year? That makes you insane I believe.
You’ve heard the definition or insanity right? Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
So will you continue choosing and dating the wrong type of men? Will you take in strays that belong left outside? Will you let men decide your happiness?
Or will you welcome in the new year by saying enough is enough!
I think it’s time for you. Yes you. I’ve got 2 types of readers – the ones that do the work and the ones that read the work but don’t do anything different. Which will you be this year?
Stop the insanity!
Get to the gym. No, not for 1 month, for good!
Eat right. No, not for 1 month, forever!
Brainstorm new hobbies and join 1 or 2
De-clutter your life by getting rid of the people that bring you down!
De-clutter your home of the material things you never use
Get out into nature – there is nothing more calming and healing
These are the just the basics. Look at your job and your career. Is it time for a change?
I make myself feel better, so easily, by changing my routine. Human nature gravitates towards routine. I say fight it! I sit on my ass writing in my chair. It ain’t happening today! As I write I am at my local Starbucks doing my emails and writing my blogposts. It’s different. The smells, the ambiance, and the people elevate my senses and give me new ideas.
For lunch, I am headed to Panera. Tonight, my work out videos change to dance moves. Heck, I might buy a shelter cat by weeks end!
This isn’t rocket science. I am not telling you anything new. I know that. But if only 1 person decides to listen to me, they will be rewarded for the rest of their life and I will be too if they tell me J
You have spoken and I am writing. How to handle a breakup is my next book on deck. Then, a new texting book designed for the older crowd will follow. Exciting stuff!
I write a lot of books and I answer a ton of questions. I thank some of you individually for reading my books and asking me questions. I try my best to make myself available to everyone. There is nothing worse than “feeling like a number” or feeling like someone is trying to take your money.
But I have never said thank you in a blog.
Thank you everyone!!!
I wake up in the morning, make my coffee, irritate my VA, and open my emails…and I get lots of emails! Some are happy emails, some sad emails, I get desperate emails, and I even get emails from people that are literally on the edge.
I answer them all!
I even answer emails (when I’m not supposed to) from women that are severely depressed. I do because I know that I can help. I also realize that I might be her only friend at the time.
If a woman can’t afford a book, I know she needs, I give it to her for free. I realize that it can potentially help her with her problem.
I love every minute of it.
There is simply no better feeling in the world than when one of you tell me that I changed your life for the better!
It makes it all worth it.
So for 2018 I say bring it on! Keep emailing me so I can keep writing and answering the personal questions that you want answered. Tell me when I’m spot on and correct me when I’m missing the point – it’s all good and its how I get better.
Remember, I learn as much from you as you learn from me and that’s what makes our relationship so awesome!
Let’s all start with a new affirmation for 2018 – “I am worthy of love.” I will say it every day and it would be great if you said it too.
Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, and God bless you!!
Yesterday, I had a reader ask me why men want what they can’t have. She asked me why I was telling her to stop the pursuit so her man would chase.
Let’s dig into male behaviors in relationships.
Chase lives in all men…it’s ingrained in our DNA. If you throw a stick for a dog he will go after it – he can’t help himself. If you have a lot to offer – you are his favorite “stick.”
In keeping with my analogy, the stick represents challenge and mystery. You are throwing challenge and mystery to the guy you desire. You can’t do this if you are constantly chasing him. He gets confused just as a dog would if you chased his stick.
When you are not available to him, he wonders where you are and what you are doing. He wonders why you are not interested in him. He starts thinking you have more important things in your life and he realizes that he must try harder if he is to see you.
Having a vibrant social life with a ton of things to do makes you mysterious to him and all these activities make you interesting by default. The fact that he can’t wave his magic smile and land you forces challenge upon him.
You can’t fake this and why would you want to?
Now, when he calls you last minute, you have a reason to say no. He subsequently realizes your time is important to you and he had better step up his game or he will be toast. The players won’t make the effort because they have easier prey to conquer so they stop pursuing you. This is GOOD! You now have the perfect self-defense mechanism against assholes.
See how this works?
It’s so simple it’s almost ridiculous and yet I spend countless hours trying to convince women that the key to getting any quality guy they want, without any games, lies right in front of them!
Pursue the hobbies you love so you enjoy life and watch how your confidence grows, your social life expands, and you become the favorite stick of every guy that meets you!!
If I had a dollar for every person I’ve met who found their perfect match online, I could buy myself a cute pair of Jimmy Choo sling-back pumps, and I wouldn’t be the only one with a new pair of shoes. According to a recent survey by the Pew Research Center, online dating is more popular now than ever before. A whopping 41% of American adults say they know someone who uses online dating, while 29% know someone who has married or entered a long-term relationship with someone they met online. It doesn’t hurt that most of the people who use online dating sites in the US are well educated and fairly affluent.
Tiffany here. Face it, online dating works, and there is proven research to back it up. It’s a great tool for meeting new people, and there really is no reason to shy away from this proven method of dating. Think of it this way, while there are just a handful of potential boyfriends at any given bar or bookstore coffee shop, there are endless possibilities in the cyber dating world. You can have your pick of men online, and you can bet your confidence will sky rocket when you see just how many guys are into you!
Sounds wonderful, right? But, it still doesn’t change the fact that online dating can be scary and intimidating, especially for the beginner. Knowledge is power, and this helpful Beginner’s Guide to Online Dating can equip you with the information you need to get started on this modern path to love.
Online Dating 101
There are many online dating sites to choose from, and it’s up to you to determine which one is the best fit for you. Once you do, it’s time to set up your profile. You want to put your best foot forward, but you may not have a clue how. Here are seven helpful tips and smart rules to follow.
The Photo Dilemma: Sorry ladies, that selfie of you with the giant eyes and pouty duck lips (that got so many likes on Facebook) is not going to cut it. Try to avoid crazy angles that distort your features. Yes, you want a photo that makes you feel beautiful, but if he can’t recognize you when you finally meet, it’s false advertising. Instead, choose a great photo of yourself that actually looks like you, and showcases your awesome personality.
TMI (Too Much Information!): Don’t reveal too much about yourself. Write what you would feel comfortable sharing with a guy you just met at a bar. You wouldn’t empty the contents of your purse on the bar top, so don’t do it online. Give a little something to pique his interest without over sharing. Guys like a little mystery, and besides, you still have no idea what kind of guy he is, so why should he know all about you?
Good To Know: With that said, there is certain information you may want to mention in your profile, like favorite movies, bands, and books, or your interests and hobbies. After all, you want to meet someone you are compatible with, and having these things in common will give you something interesting to talk about on your first date. Write about things you would want your ideal date to respond to.
Keep Your Options Open: You’ve probably heard the old adage, “Don’t put all your eggs into one basket.” It’s been around for a long time, but it is still good advice today. When it comes to online dating, you can’t pin all your future hopes and dreams on one person you’ve just met. He may seem like the perfect guy right from the start, but things don’t always work out in the end. It’s best to line up a few dates and narrow the field as things progress.
Let It Go: If you find yourself just not feeling it, don’t be afraid to walk away. After a few emails back and forth, you should feel some sort of connection. He may be a really nice guy, but if he’s not for you, it’s OK to bow out and stop corresponding with him. You may even find yourself needing a break from dating altogether, and that’s fine too. Sometimes a few weeks are all you need to come back refreshed and ready to try again. Yes, there are duds out there, but there are extraordinary men as well. So do what you need to do, but don’t get discouraged.
Meet Cute (and Safe!): If you do find someone you really hit it off with online, there will come a time to meet face to face. This prospect can be both exciting, and horrifying! He may be a wonderful man, but you need to be safe. Always meet in a public place! This cannot be stressed enough. If he really is the wonderful man you think he is, he will understand.
Hello, Goodbye: If the date just isn’t what you expected, don’t be afraid to call it short. Maybe the sparks you had online just aren’t there in person, or maybe you really just aren’t a good match. And that’s okay. Not every guy you meet is going to be your soul mate. But remember, it only takes ONE. Online dating does work, but it is a process — so be patient.
Is Mr. Right out there, floating on a cloud somewhere, just waiting for you to come along? You’ll never know if you don’t give online dating a try!
I have spent my years studying relationships and the behaviors within those relationships but I always wanted to know the science behind what triggers love. Kirbie, my trusted assistant and fellow coach and I went digging!
We found some incredible stuff!
There are strategies and tactics that you can perform to increase the odds of getting a man to fall in love with you. We’re talking total strangers and not just someone you already know.
For example did you know there is a dance which must take place for a new relationship to even have a chance? This dance consists of five steps, each of which must be followed in order, if the pair is to leave with plans to meet again.
The exciting part? You can control this dance. You can make sure the 5 steps happen! This gives you an incredible advantage when it comes to getting this man to feel he is falling in love with you. The best part is that he will most likely believe he was the one who put the moves on you!
One of the five steps is called synchronization. Synchronization occurs when he sips his drink and then you do. You look to your left at someone laughing and then he does. This must happen and often times it happens on a subconscious level without either party even knowing it…
But now you know and you can make it happen. This triggers the chemical release necessary to get him to fall in love with you. You set the wheels of love in motion!
Night Moves will be available in mid-December. As always, I’ll start it out at 99 cents so keep an eye out for an email letting you know it’s available! If you’re not on my email list, make sure you sign up at the top of the page!!
In chapter 2 of my new book Night Moves I mention how men are visual creatures and why women need stand out so they are seen. First impressions are everything! First impressions are just as important as you think they are. But without even realizing it you could wind up impressing the wrong kind of guy.
I’ve seen it before, women with great bodies but zero self-confidence rely on pure sex appeal to get noticed. They show up wearing whatever they can to lure men. Skirts that are so short they’re practically half-mooning them, or pants so tight they’re cutting off their circulation. To top it all off they wear 6-inch heels, turning themselves into a statuesque pedestal of sex.
Even if you’re not so bold, the reality is you don’t have to get even close to this to make a good first impression. First impressions are more in how you’re acting, how you’re smiling, what you’re doing more than it is your appearance.
Please don’t go around telling everyone that I said you have to dress conservative at the bar scene! But style and sex are two totally different things, and while I won’t be there to pick things out of your closet for you, I can at least explain the general idea to you. Style is closer to confidence then it is to what you’re wearing. It’s clothing you feel comfortable in, that you feel sexy in, without seeming to give you away all at once.
This is important: you’re going for subtlety. You’re going for intrigue. You’re going for bangs over one eye, a coy smile, and a strut that says you know exactly where you’re going. Note that I mentioned nothing that had to do with your clothes. Find clothes that accent your best features, but do yourself a favor and don’t make it look like you’re selling body parts at a local garage sale.
Get men wondering about what you’ve got in there. You’d be surprised at how little it takes to get our minds wandering! By dressing a bit more subtle than a “bar girl” you stand out.
Men have two mindsets when they go out; girls they can screw tonight and women that they can settle down with. By dressing too slutty a man’s brain is quickly triggered to having sex without an emotional connection that is needed in a lasting relationship. Don’t let this happen. Impress a man with your style, wit and uniqueness, and not just your legs, boobs and ass.
It’s not that we don’t notice the hottie wearing stilettos showing her thong (because we sure as hell do) it’s that it quickly turns her into something with only one use. If you’re dressed like that, we have a pretty good idea what you’re after even if it’s nothing more than attention. And believe it or not, most decent guys will leave you to the sharks.
It’s your choice if you’re looking for something more. Stop thinking all looks and start believing in the power of subtlety and style.