Divorce Advice and Support from Wevorce.com. Wevorce helps couples ensure their divorce is less damaging to themselves, their finances and the people they love. With Wevorce you are guided step-by-step through the process with as much or as little help as you need.
Being married to someone with an addiction can be a very traumatic and heartbreaking experience.
Addiction can take over a person’s ability to function as an active part of a relationship. It can turn the person you love into someone you no longer recognize. It becomes exponentially worse if they refuse to seek treatment and their addiction spirals, especially for a prolonged period. Their behavior can quickly become out of control and can put a heavy strain on you and your family.
Many couples in which one is spouse dealing with addiction come to a crossroads — and if the relationship reaches a breaking point, the topic of divorce often comes up. Suddenly, wedding vows and the future a couple had planned together are clouded by the behaviors and troubles addiction tends to bring into people’s lives.
So how long can someone attempt to support their spouse until they have to leave the relationship for their own health? When is divorce the best option? The answers are different for everyone, but it’s important to consider certain factors before making any final decisions.
How Addiction Affects Marriage
According to the National Survey on Drug Use and Health, about 24.6 million Americans are in marriages where one spouse has a substance use disorder. This number is alarmingly high, but it’s also indicative of just how common addiction has become in our country. It affects people from all walks of life, and many are faced with the decision of whether to stick by their spouse or get out of the relationship to save themselves and potentially their partner, too.
Addiction can bring many negative and potentially dangerous behaviors into a relationship, namely violence, trouble with the law, criminal activity, cheating, and lying, among other things. When a member of the family is dealing with an addiction, their spouse and children experience the pitfalls of their behavior. After some time, when they have fully become immersed in their addiction and care about nothing else, some partners choose to end their marriage for the sake of the family.
However, many people struggle with this decision, feeling as though they are abandoning a loved one who needs help. This can lead to feelings of powerlessness, resentment, and confliction. Especially when a spouse has fallen into the role of an enabler, the decision to leave can become an even more difficult one. The partner with a substance use disorder may have become accustomed to their spouse cleaning up their messes, lying for them, and being the scapegoat for their struggles.
Choosing to Stay
If you choose to stay in your marriage and support your spouse who is dealing with addiction, it’s crucial to ensure that you are not enabling them.
If your relationship has remained somewhat intact and enabling behavior isn’t present, it’s time to consider staging an intervention to encourage your spouse to get treatment. There are many ways in which you approach this issue, but it’s necessary for the future of your marriage to address the addiction — even if your spouse is considered “functional” while still being fully addicted to a substance.
At this stage of addiction, with the help of treatment and counseling, there is still a good chance a relationship can be saved. Once your spouse has entered treatment, there will likely be many changes that will occur when embracing a sober lifestyle.
While treatment will bring much relief to the relationship, it will also bring about a new set of challenges. Recovery is a long road, and it only begins with the decision to seek treatment. This is something that will have to be managed over a lifetime, and your marriage will have to adjust to these changes. If you are willing to stick by your spouse and see them through treatment, it’s still not a guarantee that the marriage will survive once they are sober, but you will have given it your best effort.
There are many steps in between that can be aided with the help of a professional counselor to teach both you and your spouse the tools you will need to put your relationship back together.
Choosing to Leave
If you have been the victim of abuse, cheating, and other manipulations that are drug-use related and you have found yourself in the role of an unwilling enabler, all signs may be pointing you towards divorce.
This is a hard decision to finalize but at no point should anyone tolerate physical, mental, emotional, or verbal abuse in a marriage. While addiction is likely what is fueling your spouse’s behavior, if they have been resistant to receiving treatment or have not followed through with staged interventions, it’s time to consider leaving the relationship.
Especially when there are children involved, it’s important to lessen their exposure to abusive behaviors that may occur as a result of an addiction. Some theories assert that the spouse leaving a marriage could be a factor to push the spouse with addiction into receiving treatment. This is what some consider to be “rock bottom.” It’s not always the route to go, but if you and your children are in danger, it is the best step to take to ensure everyone’s safety.
Seeking out a divorce attorney may fill you with dread, but once court orders are mandated, it’s important to ensure that the spouse has no contact with you or any children unless they are presently enrolled in treatment. This isn’t done to punish the person with the addiction, but rather as a safety precaution that is delegated by the court.
Deciding to stay or leave your spouse who is dealing with addiction can be one of the hardest decisions to make in your lifetime, but a very important one. Place your needs and the needs of your family before your spouse’s addiction. If you feel you are in danger or if there is violence in the home, it’s imperative to leave the situation as soon as possible.
About the Author: Holly is the Digital Content Coordinator for MedMark Treatment Centers. She works to help spread awareness and end the stigma of addiction.
Going through a divorce can have gender-specific implications. Psychologists have long worked to establish the different ways in which divorce affects men and women. While research tends to state that divorce is emotionally harder on men, women will go through specific experiences, as well.
If you are currently losing your husband or you’ve already gone through this experience, it will be helpful to keep a number of important facts in mind.
Self Care is More Important Than Ever
In the typical family, the woman is the caretaker. Psychologically, emotionally, and even hormonally, wives tend to put others’ needs ahead of their own. This predisposition can make a divorce incredibly challenging.
Separation from a spouse is a life-changing experience. Trying to be a caregiver for everyone while also attempting to handle the emotional toll can be overwhelming (to say the least). It’s OK to put your needs first at the time of the divorce. Giving yourself some time to heal and focusing on your own needs will actually turn you into a better caregiver for your kids and everybody else who’s counting on you.
Financial Matters Will Change
Research suggests that many women are hit hard by the financial toll of divorce. Whether you’re a stay-at-home mom who’s taking care of the kids or you have a career, cash-flow will often decrease significantly after the separation is finalized.
In the aftermath of divorce, it’s a good idea to think about cutting expenses. Chances are, divorce-related expenses have also accumulated, which is why the first few months can be particularly stressful.
Dealing with finances in an emotionally-charged period of time could seem like mission impossible. This is precisely why preparation is key. If you’re unprepared, the financial implications of divorce will hit you even harder.
All Advice Isn’t Necessarily Good Advice
Going through a divorce will likely unleash an avalanche of stories from friends and acquaintances. Some accounts will be dramatic or exaggerated altogether.
However, others’ divorces will often be in no way comparable to your experience. This is why advice received from well-intentioned individuals may not be applicable. Issues your best friend experienced during her divorce are not necessarily issues you will have to deal with.
The same applies to tips aimed at helping you cope with the situation after the divorce is finalized. When you go through the process, you may discover that it’s nothing like others experienced. Take others’ horror stories with a grain of salt and try not to stress out about the extremes some people describe.
A Court Won’t Always Divide Property 50/50
Property should be divided equally between the two parties, right? Not necessarily! The rule applies solely to property that has been acquired over the course of the marriage. In addition, different rules will apply in different parts of the US. You’ll need to know local regulations and a good way to acquaint yourself with specifics is to consult an experienced divorce attorney.
Property division could depend on multiple factors so don’t take the 50/50 rule into account. Be prepared for the deal you get to be far from the fairest one.
Legal Alternatives May Be Available
Going through a divorce can be incredibly taxing on everyone involved. This is one of the reasons why so many couples have begun looking for legal alternatives to divorce.
Collaborative law is a new legal possibility that’s being introduced in most states. The collaborative method has both individuals committing to keeping proceedings out of court. While they’re still being represented by attorneys, ex-spouses can reach mutually-beneficial and amicable decisions this way.
Obviously, looking for a legal alternative will depend on the predisposition of your ex. If you don’t want to go through the emotional and financial toll of a divorce, however, you should definitely talk to them about other options.
Don’t rush into dating after the separation. Many women who impulsively begin searching for a new partner have been known to commit serious mistakes.
The most common one is looking for someone similar to an ex-husband (or the complete opposite). Psychological patterns will often keep us doing the same ineffective things. When you end one mistake in a divorce, chances are you’ll be looking to start a similar one.
Take your time and focus on yourself. This way, you’ll get a better idea about what went wrong the last time and what can be done to make things better the next time you get into a relationship.
About the Author: Beverly Lerch is a young freelance writer and a great expert in self-improvement, motivation, and productivity. She has various interests and cannot imagine her life without sport. You can follow her on Twitter here.
According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, the term “Nuclear Family” was first used in 1941. The term itself refers to the traditional notion that a family consists of two parents and their children, but considering that the term is nearly 80 years old, it can be assumed that the world has changed significantly since the term was first coined.
In fact, inherently contained in the original nuclear family were very specific familial roles where the dad would go to work while the mom stayed home to tend to the house and children. Though non-nuclear families may have been unheard of, or at the very least shunned in the 1940’s, today non-nuclear families are becoming increasingly more common, With this increase comes more understanding, but it also reflects an upward trend of single-parent households in America.
There are a number of reasons that the concept of the nuclear family is becoming outdated. According to 2016 Census data, 69% of all children in America under 18 live with two parents. This percentage is part of a downward trend starting in 1950, when the percentage of children under 18 living with two parents was 93%. In 1960, that number had already dropped from 93% to 88%.
Obviously with the downturn of the nuclear, two-parent household, comes a resulting upward rise in single-parent households. According to the 2016 Census info, the number of single-mother households nearly tripled in the last 60 years from 8% to 23%. Likewise, the number of single-father households saw an increase as well from 1% in 1960 to 4% in 2016.
The upward trend in single-parent households has coincided with the increased number of women in the workforce. According to Time, families that are led by a single (divorced, separated, etc.) are almost on par with families who have one parent remain at home for the purpose of childcare. While these changes seem dramatic when statistics are involved, these numbers don’t seem surprising when we actually look at the world around us today.
It is important to note that today, two-parent households do not necessarily imply the household is comprised of a specific child’s two parents. Along with the rise in single-parent households, as well as the decrease in stay-at-home mothers, it is becoming increasingly common for two-parent households to consist of blended families, where parents of two sets of children either remarried or begin cohabitating. While this concept may have been entirely foreign to families in the 1950s and 1960s, today the blended family is now a part of our everyday lives.
With new trends come new challenges for families, and as families change, diversity increases. It is easy to look the trends over the last 60 years and only see the negatives, but it is important that our view of the modern family changes with the reality surrounding the current modern family. It does not do us a significant amount of good to question the reasoning behind the growth of single-parent households. Instead, it is more beneficial to focus on reality and try to understand the needs of the ever-growing number of children living in single-parent or non-nuclear families.
It is important to note that the term “single-parent household” should not be used derogatorily. The information and statistics provided above were used to illustrate the growing trend of non-nuclear families, not to point to any fault or degradation of values.
Marriages today are often different than the nuclear marriages in the 1960s. For one, the number of households with two income-earning spouses has increased in lieu of the number of households with stay-at-home mothers. Also important is the understanding that society today views divorce completely differently than our society in the 1960s, where divorce was nearly unheard of. Considering the complete change in our day-to-day lives since the 1960s, trying to compare societal norms since then is like comparing apples to oranges.
Regardless of the reasons for the decreasing amount of nuclear families, it is important that we understand how non-nuclear families affect how children grow. As single-parent households become ever more common in America, it is important that our views of the “traditional family” change as well. Close to half of all American children will experience their parent’s divorce. Unfortunately, children of divorced parents, on average, have more health and psychological problems than children of non-divorced parents. Because of this fact, it is all the more important for us to keep these children in mind in order to alleviate at least some of the challenges that face children living in single-parent or non-nuclear households.
It can certainly be easy to focus on the negatives associated with the non-nuclear family; it is much more beneficial to focus on how we can turn those negatives around. One of the best things we can do is encourage the involvement of both parents in a child’s life, regardless of the structure of the family. Simply because a child lives in a single-parent household shouldn’t mean that the child should receive care and nurturing from only one parent. In nearly every divorce, children respond significantly better when both parents remain active in their lives.
Another issue we can improve on is making sure that we understand the reality of our current society. It does us no good to look down on those families that do not fit the traditional, nuclear role. Instead, as the number of single-parent households increases, we should be focusing on understanding this reality and working to provide resources to the children of these non-traditional families. When we better significant parts of our society, we benefit society as a whole.
The nuclear family was once the most common family structure in America, but over time that trend has taken a significant downturn. Non-nuclear families are becoming significantly more common as time goes on, and this means that we need to spend a good deal of effort focusing on how these living situations affect children specifically and how we can remedy the problems that can come from these situations. As society changes, it is important that our efforts change to fill in the gaps we cause. While the number of non-nuclear families increases, we must make sure that the number of negative factors affecting children of non-nuclear families does not increase as well.
About the Author:Rachel O’Conner is a freelance content writer located in San Diego, California currently writing for Crouse Law Group. Over the course of her career, she has written a variety of health, parenting, and fitness articles. In her free time, she enjoys running along the beach with her two puppies and practicing yoga.
Divorce is no joke. It’s a strain on your finances, stress levels, and even mental health. After the papers are signed, many divorced women are ready for a break and just need to have some fun, looking for ways to relieve all that built-up stress.
However, there are some people who could be looking to take advantage of your current position. Here we’ll discuss six of the reasons men may think of a divorced woman as easy prey.
As a divorced woman, you can easily become vulnerable, looking for comfort in all the wrong places. Some men may prey on this fact, offering an ear to listen and arms to hold when you feel lonely. It’s possible a good man really wants to give this comfort genuinely, but you need to be careful about how much you’re putting yourself out there.
Dating scams can wreak havoc on your life, so you need to be careful about whom you’re dating and even interacting with online. Predators can easily mark a vulnerable woman as prey for everything from sexual assault to financial cons, so any request for money or expensive gifts are always a warning sign. If you suspect a man is targeting you with a scam, you should report it to the police immediately.
2. Lack of Sex Life.
Some men may think a divorced woman is sex-starved or searching for sexual partners, given her newly-found freedom. It’s quite possible that as a woman who isn’t in a monogamous relationship you’re craving physical attention, but it’s wise to exercise caution when dating and ensure the man isn’t simply there for an easy sexual encounter.
3. Easily Manipulated.
Due to the potential of being very vulnerable, a man may think you can easily be manipulated into taking care of him or think you need him to attain a happy life again. You should think twice before dating anyone, making sure you truly know who you are thinking of going out with. Any sign of a man trying to get you to do something you don’t really want to, whether it is a sexual favor or buying something you don’t really want, should make you head for the hills.
4. No Commitment.
Sometimes, a man may falsely think you are looking for a relationship with no strings attached. Since you just left a long-term relationship, you may seem like easy prey for a casual hookup or regular date without the commitment. If this is not what you’re looking for, the desire for a relationship should be communicated from the beginning, even if you’re not ready for one immediately.
5. Pursuit of Happiness.
It’s a common misconception that as a divorced woman, especially if the divorce is very recent, you aren’t happy and are searching for a reason to be. There are men out there who believe a single woman is looking for a man to make her happy. The best defense to this misconception is to learn to be happy without being with a man – this will not only guard your heart, but also make you more appealing to the opposite sex.
6. Searching for Approval.
A divorce can make you feel rejected, or as if you have made terrible decisions in your past. The immediate effect of this is that you may try to gain approval from others to feel better about yourself. You should be very careful about the language you use to describe your day-to-day life, trying to avoid any impression that you feel helpless and need to be saved.
Picking up a new hobby and making new friends who also enjoy that activity can help to beat the feeling that there’s no one out there who shares the same interests as you. This also helps to establish your own identity in your own habits and activities you enjoy, preventing the misconception that you need to gain approval from a man to be happy.
Avoiding the pitfalls of dating as a divorced woman essentially hinges on whether you are comfortable with yourself and exude the self-confidence that comes with learning how to be happy as a single woman. Performing your due diligence when considering a date will help to guard against any con men looking for financial gain or someone to assault. As you heal from the havoc the experience has left you with, approaching the dating world with a slow and steady hand is always the best way to avoid getting hurt again.
About the Author:Emily Andrews is the marketing communications specialist at RecordsFinder, an online public records search company. Communications specialist by day and community volunteer at night, she believes in compassion and defending the defenseless.
Some people lose themselves in their relationships and get so used to “we” that they forget all about “me”.
However, no matter how hard the post-divorce period might be, it’s an opportunity for you to get in touch with yourself and discover who you truly are.
And there’s simply no better way to start than redecorating your home and giving it your personal touch. Reinventing your space will enable you to reaffirm your sense of self and make your home truly feel yours.
Declutter Your Home and Free Yourself
Before decorating your home, there are several important steps you should make and the first one is decluttering. Decluttering your home after divorce will be liberating because you’ll be able to clear out your space and get rid of all the items that might remind you of your ex-partner.
If you’re not ready to just throw away everything, you can seal certain items, such as your joint memorabilia, photos, etc., in a box that will be tucked away in the attic. Everything from the kitchen wedding gifts to their favorite sweater should be cleared out. Otherwise, you might find yourself thinking about your ex-partner just because you’ve seen something that used to belong to them.
Thus, you should declutter your home, remove your ex-partner’s belongings and make room for your personal items.
Find Your Own Style
Living with someone typically means finding a home style that you both like rather than focusing on your taste. After the divorce, however, you have all the freedom to discover what you like and identify an interior style that suits your personality. There’s no need for compromise – it’s time for you to focus on yourself.
Interior design styles are diverse and inspiring, ranging from modern and minimalist to rustic and romantic. Each style has its own features and charms, creating a specific effect in your space.
For example, a natural Zen-inspired space can help you create an ambiance of tranquillity and serenity while modern style will enable you to add a touch of luxury to your home. As you try to find your personal style, you’ll have an opportunity to look deep inside and find your true self.
Paint Your Home for Positivity
Your home environment has a major effect on your mood and state of mind. Feeling slightly depressed or discouraged after divorce is completely natural, but decorating your home appropriately can help you create an aura of positivity.
Colors can affect your emotional state, so you should implement those hues that will help you relax or boost your creativity.
For example, a soothing green is a perfect choice for a bedroom since it creates an atmosphere of balance and relaxation. Soft yellow can be quite inspiring and energizing, filling you with positivity. Choosing the right color scheme will completely transform your space and help you enhance your mood.
Introduce Your Favorite Pieces as Focal Points
There’s no need for your ex-partner’s chair to be the focal point of your living room. You have an opportunity to design your home in a way that is more in touch with your taste and personality.
So, instead of letting your partner’s chair take centre stage, you can pick one of those modern and elegant couches that you’ve always wanted. Not only will your living room have a stunning focal point, but you’ll have your favorite piece.
In the bedroom, you don’t have to sleep in the same bed you’ve shared with your partner. You can treat yourself to a beautiful new bed that you’ll simply adore. You can find enchanting yet affordable pieces in antique stores or on the flea market that will work as stunning focal points in your home.
Turn to Nature for Openness and Peacefulness
Nature can improve your sense of well-being significantly while also embellishing your home. Decorating with plants will make your home more open and serene, filling it with natural peacefulness.
Furthermore, plants will also purify your indoor air and help you create a healthy environment that you’ll love. From succulent terrariums to hanging planters, there’s plenty of creative ways to introduce plants to your home.
You can even add an astonishing living wall as a décor statement. Surrounding yourself with nature can help you relax and find your inner peace, which is really important after divorce.
Use Decorations to Add Personality
When decorating your home, it’s important that you give it your personal touch and express yourself through design. Interior design offers numerous creative ideas that you can implement, from DIY decorations to displaying your personal memorabilia.
Artwork is always a beautiful addition to any home and it offers an opportunity to express your style. You can create a gallery wall of paintings done by your favorite painter or add just a few impactful pieces. On your bookshelves, you can exhibit your favorite books and memorabilia that will make you happy.
Divorce is a major life change that can be seen as an opportunity to discover yourself and there’s no better place to start than your home.
About the Author: Will Sandford is a Sydney based wood architect, blogger and contributor on interior design and ecology blogs. Besides that, he is also interested in home improvement combined with green technology. In his spare time, Will enjoys surfing and rock climbing. He is also a regular contributor to SmoothDecorator. Connect with him on Twitter.
Being married to someone who is emotionally distant is not easy. Your relationship may feel like a roller coaster, and you might constantly fear being left alone. Despite making small efforts to get closer, you could be repeatedly shut down by your spouse. If all this is true about your marriage, then you know that your partner is intensely unattached to you and is emotionally unavailable.
Some of us can be emotionally unavailable at some point in our relationships, owing to certain changes or events in our lives. But if a spouse is never there to support you emotionally, then it’s a clear red sign. Here are a few truths about the emotionally unavailable husband that you need to know and questions you can ask yourself.
1. He May Never Change.
The thought of him changing might feel good, but you are only fooling yourself if you believe that someday your husband will be there for you emotionally if he hasn’t been up to this point. For someone who is emotionally unavailable, the relationship is often nothing more than a comfort zone. There are usually promises, but barely any change. Years into your marriage and you may be still waiting, hoping he will change and start giving you more time.
Emotionally unattached people may change, but it’s totally on them to work on it. If you have waited long enough for your partner to be as involved in the relationship as you are, it’s time to make peace with the fact that your emotionally detached husband is not going to change. And move on!
2. He May Be Unavailable Due to His Past.
If a man is emotionally unavailable to his wife or too protective of his emotions, this may be due to a bad experience in the past. Your husband can seem happy and like he has not a care in the world. But maybe he went through a painful breakup before he married you, or he is going through a tough phase in his life. In that case, his behavior is understandable. If not, he may not be interested in this relationship
3. He’ll Often Be Unavailable in Your Times of Need.
Was he present in situations when you needed someone to comfort you? Before you jump to saying yes, think about it for a second. If your husband helps you around the house or comforts you when you’re down, you would probably not be reading this now. And you would not be the one carrying those heavy bags from the grocery store and taking care of the kids all by yourself. If he is not present to comfort you or support you in times of need, then he may not hesitate to leave you on your own if he feels the need to.
4. He May Not Be Open to Sharing Feelings.
It’s not uncommon for men to be less chatty about their feelings than women. But they will often open up to people they are comfortable with, such as a spouse or a close friend. Some listen more than they talk. But if your husband does neither, it is worrisome. An emotionally unavailable husband often won’t bother to share his feelings and may be reluctant to discuss anything personal. If your spouse never talks, listens, or asks you how your day has been, then you might want to think about the state of your marriage.
5. He Won’t Hesitate to Mislead You.
Your husband may have roped you in for the marriage because he needed someone to comfort him. If you have expected him to be a good husband and have waited for him to be in the marriage — but he hasn’t and you are still married to him, it may be clear that you have been misled and manipulated by him in some way.
Emotionally unavailable husbands sometimes subconsciously lure partners with empty promises, which often results in a codependent situation. They too, may be dependent on you for certain things and will try to keep you close enough that you don’t stray.
If you have been trying to make your marriage to an emotionally distant husband work, it may be time to stop and prioritize yourself. Talk to your partner and make your needs clear and let him know you expect them to be met. If he cannot, maybe it is time to take a long hard look at why you are in this marriage in the first place.
Remember that emotionally unavailable husbands are honest about where they stand. They make it clear in many ways that they have never been committal. If that’s evident in your case, move on by accepting the fact that they might never be there for you. But if you believe there is still a chance with your husband, talk to a marriage counselor who can be unbiased and put everything in perspective for the both of you. And if your husband is genuinely concerned, then he will make an effort to make things different in the future.
About the Author: Aradhana Pandey is a writer from India. She covers topics concerning parenting, child nutrition, wellness, health, and lifestyle. She has more than 150+ publications to her credit. Aradhana writes to inspire and motivate people to adopt healthy habits and live a stress-free lifestyle.
Divorce is often a long and drawn-out process. By the time finalization is near, you may be ready to move out and move on to the next chapter of your life. However, buying a home isn’t a split-second decision — finding the right home at the right price requires careful consideration, especially after your financial life has just been upended.
Here are three home buying questions you need to ask yourself before the divorce is finalized.
Where Should I Buy?
If your divorce was less than amicable, you may be tempted to move as far from your ex as possible. If you don’t have children, that’s a perfectly viable option! But if you do, moving far will make custody arrangements more difficult, and Psychology Today warns that relocating after divorce can have major consequences for your children’s well-being. If possible, aim to buy a house nearby your children’s school and friends to minimize disruption to their lives and make custody exchanges easier.
Staying nearby doesn’t have to mean the same neighborhood. Ask yourself how you’d like your lifestyle to change now that you’re no longer coupled. Perhaps you want a shorter commute to work, a home closer to downtown, easy access to running and biking trails, or a home suitable for a dog. Now that you’re buying a house solo, wants like these can take higher priority.
If you do move to a new area, help your kids get to know the new neighborhood. Show them the cool spots, introduce yourselves to neighbors and spend time exploring together. Your kids will probably be hesitant about the change, so it’s important to build positive associations with the new neighborhood.
How Much Space Do I Need?
Buying a home after divorce usually means downsizing, but just how much smaller should you go? If you’ll be the primary custodial parent, try to match the living arrangements your kids are accustomed to. There are a lot of big changes happening in your children’s lives, and while the switch from individual bedrooms to a shared room might not seem like a big deal to you, it might be to your kids.
Even if your kids will only be at the house occasionally, carve out space for them. You want your children to feel welcomed and at home when they visit, but if they’re sleeping on an air mattress in the living room, they might feel like an inconvenience.
How Much Should I Spend?
A divorce can take a hit on your finances. Not only can divorce itself be messy and expensive, but transitioning from a two-income to a single-income household significantly shrinks your home buying budget. According to Dave Ramsey, men experience a 23 percent reduction in household income following a divorce, while women face a whopping 41 percent reduction in household income. At the same time, expenses often increase. You may have to pay child support or alimony, and as a single-parent household, child care costs are likely to grow. While buying a home is a great way to regain stability after a divorce, you shouldn’t let it threaten your financial security.
Get pre-approved for a mortgage before you start house-hunting. If your budget is smaller than you expect, don’t panic. You can still get a great house without blowing your budget, but you may need to expand your search. Fixer-uppers are a good way to save money on a home, and you can add value over time through DIY renovations. It doesn’t take a wealth of experience to refinish wood floors, repaint walls and modernize a kitchen, and updates like these can significantly increase the resale value of an outdated home.
Buying a home is a big decision, and when you’re in the middle of a major life change it’s tough to think clearly about things like square footage and mortgage payments. If you’re having trouble answering these questions, consider renting for a few months before you buy. That way, you’ll have time and space to make decisions that will get the next chapter of your life started off right.
About the Author: Caleb Anderson co-created RecoveryHope to help people with substance abuse disorders and their families. Though this effort has been growing recently to include putting together information for public consumption about finances and the home buying process.
Co-parenting after a breakup or divorce is rarely easy for either parent. But no matter the circumstances, the situation has to be successful — for the sake of your children.
Older children might develop feelings that their refusal to do homework or tidy up their room is the reason their parents got separated. So your duty as parents is to help them adapt to the situation — and to do so free of guilt.
Here are some steps parents can take for successful co-parenting after a divorce.
1. Behave as if all is well.
Children are smarter than we may think. They can usually tell if all is well simply by observing facial expressions. To be a successful co-parent, do your best not to take out your anger and frustration on your children. Behave amicably toward your fellow co-parent, especially when in front of your kids. This will help calm their worries and anxiety. Remember: children are always at the receiving end of a divorce. While grown adults have often developed the ability to handle such situations, the same thing cannot be said for little ones.
2. Make every minute count.
It would be impossible for kids to receive 24 hours of bonding time and presence of both parents after the divorce. But you can make things a bit easier for them by making the most of the time you do get to spend with them. And, if your children rely on you to the point where they cannot sleep without your presence, be ready to make sacrifices until they adapt to the new situation.
Do not give them any reason to believe a divorce between you and your ex will mean that you longer spend time with your children. Continue visiting places that bring back old memories. Try to make your child happy by making good use of every opportunity you have to bond with them. You can even plan a family vacation, but seek the consent of your ex first. Desist from making promises you might end up not fulfilling unless you have approval from your ex. If you tell your children of your plans to travel someplace with them and your ex later refuses to accept, they might see your ex as a wicked person.
“Staying away from your kids can be really painful. But you need to accept that things will be this way,” says Christine Carter, Ph.D., senior fellow, and sociologist at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center. Make each time you spend with your kids special. Be the best parent you can be by filling the hours you get to spend with them with various activities.
3. Learn to solve problems (together) with your ex.
Even if you and your ex do not get along, try to reframe the situation and adjust your mindset. For instance, imagine your ex as a colleague you don’t like. In this situation, you would have no choice but to work together for the good of the company. Both of you would likely never be good friends, but you must tolerate one another to work together peacefully.
The same approach is needed for successful co-parenting. You may end up not being good friends or lovers after a divorce, but you must work together because of the kids. If there are issues you both need to sort out, meet in private — not in front of the children. Whenever possible, don’t allow your kids to see both of you arguing.
To avoid distractions, always have the interest of your kids at heart when you both meet. Do not sit opposite each other to avoid eye contact. Sit side by side and keep pictures of your kids on the table to help both of you stay focused.
4. Talk with your kids about the separation.
Even if your kids are young, they will likely still demand explanations from both of you. One of the gifts kids treasure is having support from both parents. But they may fear that won’t happen because of the divorce.
Make sure your children are in a good mood before you begin discussing your divorce with them. Assure them they will never be left alone. They also need to know they are not the cause of the divorce.
Allow your kids to express their concerns and ask questions. They might feel angry, confused, and guilty, but try to make them feel better by answering their questions. Divorce is not something kids can shake off immediately. They will need time and love to adapt to their new normal — one of not having both parents around.
You will likely need to address the topic more than once. As parents, both of you can and should come together regularly to reassure them they will have all the support they need in life — even if will no longer be living together under the same roof as husband and wife.
5. Tame that temper.
If either co-parent has a temper, now is the time to tame it. You will need to work as a team — and this means not apportioning blame or insulting one another in front of the kids. Tame your anger before any meeting between the both of you. Remind yourself that insulting your ex will not change his or her bad behavior, but it will only make things worse.
Also, desist from telling your kids that your ex is a bad person. Such comments will weigh them down. If your children develop negative feeling towards your ex, co-parenting can become more challenging. Alternatively, kind words can heal a wounded heart and mend broken relationships. There are cases where co-parenting relationships improved after a sincere apology or praises of a partner’s parenting skills after years of staying separated.
Divorce is equally a challenging period for both parents and children. However, children need all the support they can get during this time. Even when both parents are no longer living together, they can work together. Take the above suggestions to heart and you’ll be well on your way to successful co-parenting.
Editor’s Note: This post was submitted to Wevorce anonymously. If you would like to read more on this topic, please visit the Co-Parenting category on our blog.
Divorces can be messy and devastating. And that’s often true with celebrity breakups, as they are overly publicized and involve complexities such as assets and property division as well as huge custody fights that take place under the eye of paparazzi who are hungry for money and attention.
The reasons why celebrities divorce are countless — and range from busy schedules, temptations, cultural differences, and addictions. And although the glamorous lives of celebrities seem unreachable to most people, what we all have in common is the struggle involved when dealing with matters of the heart.
Divorce is something a husband and a wife have to go through together. However, sometimes it seems that women struggle the most while going through the painful process of divorce. But it’s as difficult for men as it is for women, as they also feel the pain of leaving behind something (and someone) they’ve cherished dearly.
However, divorce is an extremity and couples should resort to it only in the case when no agreements can be reached. And if there’s still a chance to save the marriage, you’ll have to work hard on repairing the relationship. And to do that, we can use examples of famous celebrity divorces to learn what can be addressed to improve our own relationships.
Here are some examples.
Honesty — Key to a Happy Marriage
While many famous couples like Beyoncé and Jay-Z doubt that it is worth divorcing after infidelity, others aren’t so sure about trusting their other half after they’ve cheated.
It was a shock to many when the world found out that the beloved and highly-respected high-profile golf player Tiger Woods cheated on his wife Elin. Tiger Woods was exposed as a serial cheater, and soon after, his life and career seemed to fall apart. Apparently, he hid his cheating from his wife for over five years, and she claims that if he had admitted it earlier, she would have at least considered saving their marriage.
They say no marriage is safe from infidelity. Cheating is considered a breach of trust, which is why it is so hard to forgive and “get over it,” as trust is the foundation of any marriage. But, as in the case of Beyoncé and Jay-Z, if the cheater admits to his weaknesses in favor of love, there’s still a chance to save the marriage.
Support — The Cornerstone of Any Relationship
It was a shock to many when the famous Hollywood actor Chris Pratt filed a divorce from his long-time partner Anna Faris. Pratt has listed “irreconcilable differences” as the reason for divorce, however, the real reasons are usually far more complex. When their relationship started, Chris was an aspiring actor, and Anna was a Hollywood superstar. Over the years the picture has changed drastically, and Pratt, being a famous and high-demand actor now, has, in the view of some, become more popular than his wife.
Fame likely changed the way their marriage worked, and Faris reportedly wasn’t satisfied with Pratt’s behavior and said it’s hard to be in a relationship when you know someone doesn’t have your back. Apparently, Pratt’s schedule got so busy that he no longer had time to dedicate himself to his wife and son.
Support is a key to a stronger relationship. It means being able to rely on your partner during whatever you may be going through. One might think that, in the case of Pratt and Faris, the divorce may also be based on jealousy and busy schedules, but lack of support can be rather devastating — to the extent of completely ruining a relationship.
Respecting Your Spouse’s Choices
Before asking yourself whether you’re ready for a divorce, consider asking this question, “Am I always supportive of my partner’s choices?” The term “irreconcilable differences” may imply opposite interests and lack of respect for your partner’s choices.
After six years of marriage, Hollywood star Mandy Moore and her husband, rocker Ryan Adams filed for divorce. Apparently, one of their reasons for divorce was lack of mutual support and respect for what both partners wanted to do with their lives.
The thing is, even when you’re married to someone, you and your partner equally have the right to enjoy your privacy and to decide what you want to do with your own lives. You are both very different people with different personalities. You may have plenty in common but may also have different lifestyles.
The key to a happy marriage is mutual respect of your partner’s choices and being there for them at any time, anywhere. Ask yourself, “Am I always supportive and respectful?” Sometimes adjusting our attitude and perspective can be the key to a better relationship — and a worthwhile goal before you ultimately decide that a divorce is the only option.
Participating in Raising Children
Scarlett Johansson, a famous Hollywood actress, filed for divorce from her husband Romain Dauriac in 2017. Apparently, her now ex-husband was scared of being a stay-at-home dad and putting his successful career on hold to allow his wife to continue working. In this case, both parents were may bear responsibility.
Whatever their reasons were, a child often suffers when their parents are divorcing. And no matter how supportive the parents are after a divorce, it can still be a psychological trauma to live in a family without a mom or a dad.
Of course, some may think that saving a marriage because of the children you have with your partner is pointless, as they will grow up in a family with no love and respect. But if you still have strong feelings for your spouse but constantly argue over a lack of participation in raising your child, maybe it’s time to examine your parenting styles or consider counseling — maybe both.
Remember that divorce may seem like an extreme, but it’s not always a dead end. Ask yourself whether you’re doing everything you can as a husband to make your marriage work, and if there’s still a chance, put all your effort into maintaining a strong, meaningful relationship based on love, support, and respect.
About the Author: Tom Jager is a professional blogger. He works at Proessaywriting and has a degree in Law and English literature. Tom has written numerous articles/online journals. You can reach him at G+ or Facebook.
Every parent tries to do what they believe is best when it comes to their child’s upbringing. However, no matter how good our intentions are, some corrective tactics can negatively affect a child’s sense of identity and self-esteem.
Children of any age are delicate and haven’t yet fully developed their personalities. That means that they can easily be affected by a parent’s behavior. Here are a few mistakes parents may be making that can affect a child’s self-esteem.
1. Comparing children to their siblings or other children their age
This is probably one of the biggest mistakes parents make when it comes to raising a child. Most parents make comparisons with good intentions. They believe if they compare their child’s behavior to their well-behaved peers, they will most likely start to improve.
This can seriously harm a child’s sense of self-esteem while they are still very young. When being constantly compared to others, a child may come to believe they are inferior and that they will never be able to become as good as those around them.
This behavior can prevent a child’s from expressing their individuality and may leave them unsure of themselves and unable to have confidence in their own abilities.
2. Making a child take sides during a separation
Breakups may present immense difficulties for families. And because children usually can’t fully understand such a situation, they may end up blaming themselves for a separation. A mistake many parents make is making their child choose sides.
Instead of trying to force your child to tell you which parent they love most, focus on making sure they know any separation or divorce is not their fault and that both of you still love them the same as you always have.
A child needs to know they are free to choose what is best for them. Making a child choose sides will only make them more insecure — and they may feel as though they are letting one of you down. Refrain from saying negative things about your former partner, too. Allow your child to keep the image they have of their parent in their head without stripping their childhood away from them.
3. Not praising a child enough
There are some parents who believe children should not be praised, fearing a child may end up being spoiled and thinking too highly of themselves. While that can happen, some parents take this concern to an extreme and never praise their children for anything positive they do.
Praising a child when they do something positive is necessary if a parent wants their child to reach their full potential. If a child is not praised when earning good grades or behaving well, they may not know this behavior should be kept up. Let your children know how well they are doing and praise them so they believe in their abilities and continue to better themselves.
4. Always focusing on their mistakes
No child is perfect and they will have to make mistakes to learn. Growing up is a learning process and making mistakes along the way can teach them many valuable lessons about life, interacting with others, and the importance of their personal decisions.
Make sure you don’t talk down to your child when they make a mistake. If you continue mentioning a child’s mistakes, the child may lose their initiative as well as the trust in themselves. They might also end up becoming overly anxious and unwilling to take risks — for fear of failing and being scolded.
Instead of focusing on your child may have done wrong, help them understand what they could have done better, so when they find themselves in a similar situation, they will overcome it and thrive.
Raising a child is hard work
Whether you’re raising your child with your partner or as a single parent, it is important for both of you to be aware of these mistakes and avoid them so you can raise a child that can stand on their own feet and be happy.
The more you focus on letting a child know you love them and you are proud of them, the more the child will thrive. Allow them to make mistakes and to learn by doing, without pressuring them to be like their peers. Each child is different and should be praised for their individuality.