People break up for a number of reasons. Sometimes the signs of an impending breakup will be easy to spot. For example, you might fight a lot or someone might’ve cheated. In other cases, one partner might just decide they’re no longer happy and will end it out of nowhere.
Although so many factors go into whether a relationship ends or not, therapists say there are a few surprising things that lead to a breakup that you should look out for.
1. Morning versus night people
. On the weekends, if one person likes to sleep the day away and the other person has a to do list a mile long. The morning person may start losing respect and become resentful of the night person. In the morning, the morning person is busy around the house, and being cheerful. This may annoy the night person, who either wants to sleep later or is awake but wants peace and quiet. The best way to deal with differences in your body clocks is to keep your perspective and focus on everything else you have in common. Your partner isn’t staying up later or rising earlier because her or she doesn’t love you.
2. Body Temperature
Temperature sensitivity can affect a lot of things such as headaches, moods and even the ability to perform certain tasks. The person that’s always warm may not like to cuddle as opposed to the person that’s always cold . Cuddling while sweaty is a miserable experience Sometimes the partner who is too cold may steal covers from the warmer partner, maybe even doing that while asleep. Many couples have thermostat wars for years and lie about changing the thermostat. If one person isn’t willing to compromise on temperature, like wear a sweater or shut the windows, or won’t snuggle in bed , this can lead to resentment and anger. One way to work through this difference in temperature is for partner who is more heat sensitive might do better to wear skimpier bed clothing or go to bed nude, while the cold sensitive partner might wear socks and several layers of sleepwear to bed.
3. Your mattress
If one person likes a firm mattress and the other person likes a pillow top, one or both may suffer from sleep deprivation. How close you feel to your partner, how secure you feel in the relationship are all closely tied to sleep quality. The solution is to do your research before you buy a mattress. A memory foam type will adjust to the person’s body. There is also split-chamber beds like softside which allow each person to create their own level of comfort
You’ve planned your dream vacation and expectations are high. How could someone have a bad time at n exotic beach locale or at a mountain retreat sitting by the fiire? There are many factors that can contribute to conflicts while travelling together. Maybe you prefer to lay by the pool while he has 8 hours of sight seeing planned out. Or you like to stay in five star hotels and he’s okay with a hostel. Even how much luggage you bring. Like you have a suitcase for your shoes and he puts everything in a backpack.
Just being together 24×7 can cause stress, especially if you may have not spent alot of time with your partner alone in quite some time,
We’re also presented with far more decisions when traveling than we are in real life. Where to eat? Take a cab or an uber? Driving in a strange city, getting lost, the list goes on and on. The best way to avoid conflicts on vacation is to prepare ahead of time, Discuss the issues you might face such as how much to spend, where to go, even getting reservations ahead of time so you don’t fight about where to eat every night.
Want more relationship advice? Read On to find out if your partner really loves you.
As I work with my clients building successful relationships in today’s world of smart phones, social media and instant access, I am struck by the changes they are encountering in a dating world where no one even makes eye contact anymore much less strike up a conversation with an attractive stranger. Is it fear? Is it just being too self absorbed? Some of those changes offer a funny, if sometimes sad, commentary on the relationship and dating world we live in today.
First dates are more boring now because you already know everything about them from their Facebook profile or the Google search you did on them before you went out. No surprises, no mystery. That can take the magic out of your first date faster than Houdini escaping from a pair of cheap handcuffs.
2. People think you’re weird if you call now, since everyone else emails, texts or tweets. It’s like “only call if it’s some kind of emergency.” And, deciphering some people’s abbreviated emails and texts is worse than trying to understand why the world is flat and not round.
3. Despite the fact that text messaging doesn’t require both parties to be connected at the same time like a phone call does, there is a sense that you should constantly monitor your phone in case someone sends you a text. When you don’t get a text returned right away, you might as well be at the dentist getting a root canal, it’s that painful.
4. Online dating is like an MLS for people’s romantic lives, and there are a lot of similarities to the one for houses. They never look as good as they do in the picture for a start and everyone is looking for the same thing: 4 bedrooms, 3 baths, 2 car garage on a cul-de-sac translates to: attractive, funny, successful, loves good wine and food, active, fit, generous and kind. And now you can even hire people to write your profile for you. It was only a matter of time before this MLS attracted realtors.
5. Dating is the only time where you are both the buyer and the seller. Therefore you think you are perfect and want to get the most bang for your buck.
6. Making your relationship official by changing your status on Facebook is the kiss of death. If you have any sort of jealous streak, count on it rearing its ugly head as soon as you see a photo of him at happy hour with those co-workers he’s just “friends” with.
7.When you are not interested in someone you can just block their call, or send the short “nice knowing you” text or email. No need for that awkward breakup conversation, where you might have to answer those hard questions like “why?” or “what happened?”. After all, you have to stay on top of your Facebook messages and friend requests, answer LinkedIn invitations from people who most likely will never help you in business, or send out meaningless tweets to your 10 followers. Oh yeah, don’t forget about Instagram and Pinterest. People are counting on you for your recommendations and favorite recipes.
8. In the old days when you wanted to break up with someone you would let them down gently by saying “it’s not you, it’s me”. The new way to end things is to make it easy for them to break up with you instead, alleviating any guilt on your part for leading them on, using them for free sex or food and other reasons to stay in a relationship longer than you should. All you have to do is leave your browsing history up or let him/her go through your phone, or post a too-cozy picture on your Facebook page. They are sure to find something suspicious that makes them mad enough to send you that break up text.
9. Last but not least, all this technology leaves us feeling like the dating world is something like a massive eBay auction. While the person we are with is pretty good, certainly we can do better because we have so many options. Why settle for attractive, funny, successful, loves good wine and food, active, fit, generous and kind when there could be someone who attractive, funny, successful, loves good wine and food, active, fit, generous and kind and looks like Giselle Bunchen, loves to go shopping, hates football, doesn’t care if you gain weight, loves to watch reality shows with you and can’t wait to go shoot a buck with you at 5:30am on a Saturday? I bet, if we dig through enough profiles, we can find the bigger, better thing.
Well, the reality of all of this technological innovation is that, while communication styles may have changed, dating and relationships are still built and nurtured the same old-fashioned way. Love is about face to face interaction. After all, that is the only way to determine chemistry. Frankly, while my client’s weddings are getting more and more connected to social media, nobody texts “I do.” Some things only work when you actually talk to one another. Human beings are at our core extremely social animals, and we crave the physical and emotional interaction that we can only get while in the presence of other humans. We need more than just their electronic words, and need to engage all of our senses from reading their facial expressions, bathing in their eye contact, hearing the sound of their voice, feeling their touch and breathing in the smell of their closeness. Spending time liking friending, linking, tweeting, pinning, and tapping may feel like you are connecting to others, but it may actually make your life even more isolated. Reading even a very heartfelt “LYL” text just can’t compare to someone who looks in your eyes, touches your hand and says, “I love you”. So get off the computer and get out there in the real world where you could actually find the person of your dreams in the flesh, not a virtual persona that will surely disappoint you. Trust me. There is a huge universe of people just like you who are looking for the same thing. #offlineworks.
My name is Julia McCurley and I am a Professional Matchmaker. For the past 10 years, I have had the privilege of working with hundreds of singles on their journey to finding love. If there is one thing I have learned, it’s that there is a special someone for each of us out there and sometimes love just needs a little direction. And that’s where I come in. I have been called many things such as a headhunter for love, cupid (of course), love broker, a yenta (although I am not Jewish!), and even the “Love Goddess”! I don’t think I have almighty powers but what I know from over a decade of matchmaking experience is this: Matchmaking is an art, not a science, and no computer algorithm or swiping on dating apps can predict good old fashioned chemistry. At the end of the day we are meant for human contact, not a computer screen.
To be a good Matchmaker, you must have an innate desire to help people. And that’s why I decided to become a Matchmaker in 2009 and founded my company, Something More, in Austin, Texas. I heard first hand from my friends, coworkers and family about the frustrations of looking for love online and the resulting unintended consequences such as having too many choices, a hooking up culture, ghosting, you name it. Enter a radical new concept, take your dating life offline (oh heavens no!) and hire a Matchmaker!!! Well, maybe it’s not so radical…..
In fact, Matchmakers have been around since the 1600’s when parish vicars played a crucial role in matching their parishioners with a spouse from the same social class. During the Victorian era, Matchmaking became a pastime for women who were already married, and often their sole occupation as exemplified in Emily Bronte’s novel Pride and Prejudice. Whether it was the village matron, an Ashkenazi Jewish shadchan, a Hindu astrologer, or some sort of shaman shuffling tarot cards, Matchmakers have long been seen as essential advisors when it comes to creating this most important of unions.
Let’s talk about the title of the book. If you think about it the game of tennis really sets the foundation for a successful relationship. Just like in the beginning of a good singles tennis match, when the score is even at zero and both players are perfectly matched in effort, ability, and initiative, love happens.
Like in the game, on a first date, you need to hit the ball back and forth; meaning she asks you a question you answer then you need to hit the ball back to her, and then it’s her turn to talk. At the beginning, it is all about learning as much as you can about the other person so you can determine if there is enough of a connection to continue. You also need to have a strategy. Are you going to hit it down the line, take a short ball at the net, or smash it? You know that for each play, you can anticipate how and where the return ball will be played. One wrong move and you could lose the game. Beginning a relationship is very similar. You need to think through what you learn about the person and begin to anticipate how you can advance the relationship successfully.
Once you are in a relationship, you need to be a great doubles partner. This means you have to talk to each other, find out what the other person needs to be successful. Just like on the court, if the opponent hits the ball over your head when you are at the net you need to tell your partner it’s their ball. Successful doubles partners are always great communicators, the same as people in a successful long-term relationship. And, like in tennis, great partners anticipate their partners’ needs and are there to support them.
Commenting on this similarity, the tennis legend Andre Agassi said, “It’s no accident, I think, that tennis uses the language of life. Advantage, service, fault, break, love, the basic elements of tennis are those of everyday existence, because every match is a life in miniature. Even the structure of tennis, the way the pieces fit inside one another like Russian nesting dolls, mimics the structure of our days. Points become games become sets become tournaments, and it’s all so tightly connected that any point can become the turning point. It reminds me of the way seconds become minutes become hours, and any hour can be our finest. Or darkest. It’s our choice.”
So why a book, you ask? Well, I have been both providing advice to my clients individually and through blogs and articles since I started matchmaking. Countless people have told me that I should write a book about my experiences and advice, and I realized I already had a great start. So, I took a look through what I have written over the past decade, and realized there really is some GOOD advice in all of them. Having said that, this book isn’t intended to be one of those page-turners that you read from cover to cover (feel free to do so, if you like, though!). Rather, I intended this book as a reference guide. A collection of timeless advice that you can keep on a shelf and bring down when you have questions about dating or relationships. Questions like: when is it okay to keep a secret from your partner, how to be more attractive, how to get through the holidays alone and many more dating dilemmas my clients have come to me for advice on over the years. And it’s not just dating advice. Many of the articles are about keeping, maintaining and repairing relationships. Since much of this information was originally released on my website or various blogs, it’s been available online for some time. But, just like my offline Matchmaking Service, you now have access to the offline collection of advice!
Oh, one more thing about me. I am happily married to my husband of 14 years. We have a blended family of 6 kids ranging from age 11 to age 35 as well as 5 grandchildren. As my husband likes to say, never trust a skinny chef, and never trust an unmarried Matchmaker! (Don’t tell anyone but this is my second marriage. So, I have lots of first hand experiences about getting past old relationships my clients can relate to).
So there! Sit back, pour yourself a glass of wine, and enjoy reading my best blogs as seen in the Huffington Post, The Good Men Project, She Knows, Emlovz, and many other dating and relationship sites. I hope you find it as helpful and entertaining to read as I did putting it together.
Like what you read so far? Purchase my book here for only $2.99!
When you’re happily in love, it’s so easy to miss signs that your partner isn’t exactly on the same page. While things like name calling and cheating are obvious red flags, it’s the little things you should pay attention to. Because according to experts, the small things can clue you in to how in love your partner really is.
“The reason why it’s so important to watch out for these seemingly small things is for the sake of kindness,” Julia McCurley, Professional Matchmaker and founder of Something More, tells Bustle. “Kindness, along with emotional stability, is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage.”
Small gestures of kindness are what make people feel cared for, understood, validated, and loved in a relationship. “Maybe you are OK with taking an Uber to the airport,” McCurley says. “But if it’s important for your partner to have you drive them, then you’re spending $100 of your time to make them feel like a million bucks.”
Although kind gestures are great and can make you feel loved, you don’t want to overlook the small signs of disrespect either. So if you’re curious about how your partner truly feels about you, here are some small things they likely won’t do if they love you, according to experts.
1 Say No To Driving You To The Airport
In a true partnership, McCurley says both people should consider their partner a top priority. That means your partner should always be there to support you and try to meet your needs. If your partner really loves you, they won’t flat out refuse favors, like taking you to the airport, without a legitimately good excuse. If something is important to you, then your partner should find it important too, she says. “No questions asked.”
2 Tell You When They Think Someone Else Is Attractive, Even If You Feel Uncomfortable
Andrew Zaeh for Bustle
There’s nothing wrong with finding other people attractive and talking about celebrity crushes once and a while. But if your partner actively comments on how attractive your friend, their friend or the server is when it makes you uncomfortable, they’re likely not thinking about your feelings. “When we’re in love, we tend to have tunnel vision for the person we’re with,” Amica Graber, a relationship expert with TruthFinder, tells Bustle. “If the eyes are wandering, it’s a bad sign.”
3 Pick Petty Fights With You Regularly
One petty fight may not make a huge impact on your relationship. But over time, “frequent fighting can take a serious toll on your relationship,” Graber says. These little fights over why someone didn’t do this or why someone always does that can really add up. If your partner constantly finds ways to argue with you over the smallest things, there may be a deeper reason behind it.
4 Forget The Details
Andrew Zaeh for Bustle
When we’re in love, Graber says it’s a lot easier to remember the details about someone like the color of their eyes, the names of their siblings, or their favorite pizza toppings. “But if someone can’t remember any of the little details about you, they may not be 100 percent invested,” she says.
5 Air Your Issues Out In Public
Andrew Zaeh for Bustle
You may do something that frustrates your partner, but that is no excuse for them to be putting you down in front of other people. “If you’re having a dispute about something, a loving partner will discuss it with you privately, and not in front of your friends,” Graber says. That means no passive aggressive social media posts either.
6 Criticize Your Lifestyle Choices
Andrew Zaeh for Bustle
“Encouraging a healthy lifestyle is part of loving someone,” life coach Rebekah Storm, tells Bustle. After all, when you love someone you’ll obviously want them to live a long and healthy life. But that doesn’t mean anyone should be criticizing what someone eats, drinks, or does to stay healthy. A partner who loves you will never make you feel bad for the choices you make in your life. According to Storm, shaming in any way is a sign of someone trying to feel superior, which can mean they feel insecure.
7 Compare You To Other People
Andrew Zaeh for Bustle
A partner who truly loves you won’t compare you to anyone else. Even seemingly positive comparison like, “You’re way better than my ex,” can be problematic. “Someone who loves you will not be thinking about ways you measure up against other people,” Storm says. You exist independently of anyone they know or have known in the past, and creating a comparison may show your partner’s mind is partially elsewhere.
8 Lie To Avoid Hurting Your Feelings
“A partner who loves you will respect you enough to be honest, even when it might hurt a little,” Storm says. When you ask your partner for their honest opinion, you should be able to trust that they’re telling the truth and not just what you want to hear. Even though the truth is not always easy to tell, trust is important in a loving relationship.
9 Keep You A Secret
“In my experience, partners who have never truly loved me have actively hidden me from their social media,” relationship expert and writer, Gina Daniel, tells Bustle. “If someone loves you enough to want to be with you, they should at least let people know you are involved, even if it’s just at your request.” It isn’t “needy” or unreasonable for you to want to feel like your partner is proud to be with you. Even if your partner likes to keep it fairly private online, Daniel says they should still respect your desire to be seen with you, and you both can compromise to figure out what form that will take.
10 Be Too Busy If You Really Need Them
Andrew Zaeh for Bustle
“If your partner loves you, they’re going to be there for you no matter what,” Bethany Ricciardi, relationship expert with TooTimid, tells Bustle. Someone who truly cares about you and wants you to be part of their life will never be too “busy” to be there for you. “Don’t think just because they missed a call while at work that they don’t love you,” Ricciardi says. “You have to be respectful to their time and boundaries too.” They don’t need to drop whatever they’re doing to be with you at any given time. But if you feel like you can truly count on them during your time of need, you have a keeper.
11 Discourage You
Andrew Zaeh for Bustle
“They might be realistic with you, and give an honest opinion about how they feel when it comes to what you’re doing, but they’ll never try and break your confidence,” Ricciardi says. A person who loves you may challenge you in order to help you grow, but they’ll always be your biggest cheerleader.
12 Say Things That Put You Down
When you’re super close to someone, it’s easy to make a critique “out of love.” But as Ricciardi says, a partner who’s truly in love will appreciate you for who you are. They wouldn’t want you to change yourself because that’s who they fell in love with.
13 Make You Feel Alone
“Surprisingly enough, many individuals feel like they’re in a relationship by themselves,” Ricciardi says. “If your partner cares about you, they’re going to make sure you’re drowning in their love.” They’ll make the effort to check in with you on a regular basis and you’ll never be left wondering when they’re finally going to see you. In short, they’ll be putting in the effort.
Want to get more advice? Read on to find out dating mistakes you may be making..
How can you boost the chances that someone will like you? Here are eight strategies to keep in mind—not ways to manipulate people or to be fake, but to make sure that your desire to be friendly effectively shines through:
Smile. Now, this is no shock, but studies do show that the amount of time you smile during a conversation has a direct impact on how friendly you’re perceived to be. Also, people mimic the expressions on the faces they see, soif you smile, you’re more likely to be smiled at. (Scientists have identified 19 types of smiles, by the way.)
Be easily impressed, entertained, and interested. Most people get more pleasure from wowing you with their humor and insight than from being wowed by your humor and insight.
Have a friendly, open, engaged demeanor. Lean toward people, nod, say “Uh-huh,” turn your body to face the other person’s body. Don’t turn your body away, cross your arms, answer in monosyllables, or scan the room (or look at your phone! I have seen this happen!) as the other person talks. If you’re worried that you’re boring someone, here aresome waysto tell.
Remember trait transfer. In “trait transfer,” whatever you say about other people influences how people see you. If you describe a co-worker as brilliant and charismatic, your acquaintance will tend to associate you with those qualities. Conversely, if you describe a co-worker as arrogant and obnoxious, those traits will stick to you. So watch what you say.
Laugh at yourself. Showing vulnerability and a sense of humor make you more likable and approachable. However, don’t push this self-deprecation too far—keep it light. You’ll make others uncomfortable if you run yourself down too much. I met a guy who kept saying things like, “I’m an idiot,” “I have the most boring job ever,” etc. He was trying to be self-deprecating, but it was hard to know how to respond to that kind of comment from a stranger.
Radiate energy and good humor. Because of the phenomenon of “emotional contagion,” people catch the emotions of other people, and they prefer to catch an upbeat, energetic mood. Even if you pride yourself on your cynicism, biting humor, or general edginess, these qualities can be conveyed with warmth.
Show your liking for another person. We’re much more apt to like someone if we think that person likes us. Look for ways to signal that you enjoy a person’s company. When I call my daughters’ pediatrician with some health question, she always says “Hello!” as if she’s genuinely thrilled to hear from me, and I’ve really noticed what a difference it makes on my feelings of warmth toward her.
Try to remember the person’s name! If you can’t remember it, here aresome tips for coping with the situation.
Studies suggest that we decide how close a relationship we’ll have with a new acquaintance within the first ten minutes of meeting that person, and that in evaluating people, we weigh early information more heavily than information acquired later. So make a big effort to be openly friendly the first time you meet someone.
How about you? Have you found any good strategies for showing your eagerness to be friendly?
Spring is the perfect time to find love. It is that wonderful time of year when the sun begins to warm, tops reveal more midriff and skirts get a little shorter. Life is renewed and the world is a flurry of energy once again. Spring is a time when every cubic inch of air seems to be flush with hormones and pheromones zipping around at near supersonic speeds. Why? Because in the spring, love is in the air!
And there’s real science behind the term ‘spring fever’. As nature conspires to give us those extra hours of longed-for daylight, human beings undergo a whole host of psychological and physiological changes resulting in renewed hope and optimism – all in all making it the perfect time of year to find love!
As the new season begins, so will many new loves. What steps will you take to make it possible for you to find love? After a long winter of sitting at home and hibernating, and maybe even feeling sorry for yourself, spring is here to lift your spirits. But only if you let it. Being optimistic and setting goals for your dating life as the new season begins can help you find love if that is what you’re looking for. No matter where you live, spring always brings about a positive attitude. Nature is back in bloom and the human soul is ready for new opportunities in both life and love. Now is the perfect time to prepare new ways and get new ideas that will help you find love. Here are just a few of the reasons why spring is the time to fall in love:
1. Its Biology
Spring is the time of year when animals get back to the work of producing the next generation. It’s the result of biological impulses that have been followed for thousands of years. So, your body may be craving to reproduce with someone, even if you’re not quite ready to have a fam. The mating process consists of everything from flirting to sex. In the spring, we’re surrounded by pheromones and pollen. Reproduction is in the air. Perhaps we haven’t evolved beyond the instinctive desire to reproduce once the weather warms up.
2. You are in a better mood
Did you ever notice how your spirits seem to lift when you slip on some shorts and head outside on a beautiful spring day? You’re not imagining things. Good weather really can lift people’s spirits. In one study, the more time people spent outdoors in the warm weather, the more their mood brightened. You’re happier, and you find yourself smiling, whistling, being nice for no reason, and heck, you’re even clicking your heels on the street corner. These are all symptoms of spring fever (depending on your level of quirkiness). Shaking off rejection becomes much easier, you have more fun on dates, and you’re much more optimistic about your chances of finding The One.
3. You feel sexier
As the weather gets warmer, we shed layers of clothes, we work out more, we’re more conscious of our bodies . The combination of our waning appetite and our waxing wakefulness often leads to springtime weight loss, albeit relatively minor. Researchers at the University of Massachusetts who monitored the eating and exercise habits of six hundred people over a one-year period determined that the majority of the participants gained two pounds in the winter, both because they ate more carbohydrates and because they worked out less during that time. But as soon as spring began, the researchers found, the subjects’ caloric intake declined and their activity levels spiked. Maybe that explains why so many women love showing some skin come May or June: they’re not just enjoying the warmer temperatures, they’re also revealing slimmer figures.
4. Outdoor Advantage
Spring is the perfect time to get outdoors and be social. There will be tons of singles to meet at the running trail, hiking trails, playing beach volleyball, at the dog park, on the golf course, sporting events, you name it. And of course its patio time for happy hours, can’t beat that as a great way to meet quality singles. Take advantage of the warmer weather, get outside and use your in-person charm to snag your next date who may be looking for love also.
5. Increased Energy
“There’s more daylight, so people have more energy,” confirms Dr. Sanford Auerbach, director of Boston University’s Sleep Disorders Center. You’re more willing to go to post-work happy hours, plan weekday dates and spend time socializing later into the evening than you normally would.
And finally, Mother Nature’s sudden burst of sunshine, daffodils, and warmer weather should if nothing else, inspire you to open your heart to receiving love and passion. Besides, there is a true magic when you do find that amazing person with whom you were always meant to be. Why not get out there, take a chance on finding love and enjoying the feverishness of spring as it is meant to be enjoyed. Spring truly is the season of rebirth. Start anew this season, by allowing good things to happen and enjoying all the opportunities that await you. Who knows, by summer you might be sipping a margarita with a new love!
If you want to take a more targeted approach, let the Matchmakers at Something More, Austin’s premier matchmaking service take charge of your love life rather than leaving it to chance. Let us help you catch that wonderfully intoxicating spring fever and find the love of your life. Contact Us NOW to schedule your free consultation.
Julia McCurley is a Certified Matchmaker, former IT recruiter who brings a personal touch to finding love and happiness. Her company, Something More, has facilitated over two thousand introductions and helped create hundreds of successful relationships.
As a Professional Matchmaker in Austin, my male clients frequently ask me if they are being too nice and that’s why they are not having success in finding love. Men like bitches, women like bad boys.
I’ve all heard those clichés. Is being nice now the new boring? Many women in Austin consistently choose the toxic bad boy over sweet, kindhearted, nice guys. It seems illogical for women to choose a guy who is selfish and cruel over a good-hearted man.
So, why do so many women get stuck in that toxic bad boy pattern—attraction, excitement, heartbreak—rinse and repeat? Why do they ignore the sweet nerdy nice guy? So let’s dive into why women like bad boys and often put the nice guys on the shelf.
Nice Guys Don’t Seem Genuine
Nice guys are too nice. No one can always be that nice unless they’re a saint. They are busy being nice instead of being real, and women instinctively don’t trust that. Bad boys “keep it real.” Nice guys don’t want to upset the apple cart.
Nice Guys Are Too Eager to Please
No one respects a doormat or someone who is overly agreeable. Nice guys don’t set boundaries or make any real demands. A bad boy doesn’t let a woman walk all over him or control him. Women can’t respect a man they can control. No respect equals no attraction.
Nice Guys Are Too Predictable
Most people lead boring, predictable lives, so they’re attracted to people who are exciting and a bit unpredictable. Bad boys are always a challenge. Nice guys are never a challenge. A bad boy is not passive. He doesn’t ask her permission to kiss her, he just does it.
Fortunately, much of the nice guy versus bad boy dilemma can be attributed to things out of our control: science. According to Joe Quirk’s It’s Not You It’s Biology, women want one night stands with the hot, bad guys for their genes.
You read that right—genes not jeans. Subconsciously, women want the strongest, hottest genes to make healthy babies. It’s basic human instinct to go after sexy bad boys as a breeding strategy. What woman doesn’t want her kid to be powered by tough guy genes? We may no longer be cave men and women, but we’re still about the survival of the fittest.
Another scientific theory goes that women tend to have more feminine energy, which responds to emotion. In comparison, men tend to have more masculine energy, which responds to logic and reason. For women, this means that the more emotion someone makes them feel, be it positive or negative, excitement or pain, the more pull women feel towards that person.
In other words, women feed on emotion to feel alive (so the theory goes). Unfortunately, even though the emotion can be negative, oftentimes, she would rather choose this over someone who doesn’t make her feel anything.
Emotions are what drive people. Emotions are the currency of attraction, seduction, and satisfaction. People do things for one reason and one reason only – to change the way they feel. People are literally driven to action by emotions, and that’s why strong emotions are exactly why women like bad boys!
Bad Boys Are Often Narcissists
One could argue that women are drawn to bad boys is because the majority of them are narcissists who are master charmers and manipulators, furthering their success at short-term mating. Studies overwhelmingly show that narcissism is greater in men, even across cultures.”
Essentially, this means there may be more bad guys in the world than there are nice guys which makes it easier to accidentally fall in love with one at some point. Statistically, it’s not difficult to do. As much as bad boys are downright hypnotizing, it’s important to note that their charming ways quickly wear out.
Although bad boys find it relatively easy to begin new relationships, research says that, over time, they find it difficult to maintain their mesmerizing first impression. But, for the most part, the evidence suggests that both women and men prefer nice partners and are turned off by jerks.
What About Women Who Want Long Term Relationships?
According to a recent study by Evolutionary Psychology revealed that women place higher importance on altruism over good looks when it comes to choosing a partner for a long-term relationship. In fact, these women rated men who were caring and compassionate as more intriguing, appealing, and desirable life-long mates than guys who were handsome and charming. In fact the power of niceness shouldn’t be underestimated.
Another study has shown that having a nice personality can affect impressions of a person’s physical attractiveness. Characteristics such as warmth, kindness, and basic decency are both valued by men and women. Having them makes us them makes us more desirable partners and appear more physically attractive.
And yet another study demonstrated that women prefer men who are sensitive, confident and easy-going, and that very few (if any) women want to date a man who is aggressive or demanding.
The biggest problem with the nice-guys-finish-last stereotype, aside from going against the grain of years of scientific evidence, is that it may compromise the possibility of forming meaningful relationships. The idea that women want to date bad boys really just reinforces the misguided idea of deceitful women and earnest nice men baffled by their lack of dating success. It allows some men to blame and hate women as a means of deflecting attention away from their own shortcomings.
Recap: Do Women Like Bad Boys or Nice Guys
It’s good to be good. But women want it all. We want a good, trustworthy guy who will respect us and follow through, but we also want a bad boy who goes against the grain, breaks some rules, takes some risks, and shows us who’s in charge. A few other things women want from a man:
They want a confident man who can stand up for himself and isn’t needy or clingy, but still offers them the comfort, support, and compassion a woman needs to feel valued and loved.
They want a man who goes after his goals in life, but still tries to make her a priority in his life.
They want a man who is not smothering.
They want a man who is supportive of the choices they make.
In short, they want a man who has a happy blend of the bad boy and nice guy with a little modern day man thrown in. Being nice doesn’t mean you finish last.
Everyone knows the cliché, romantic comedy stereotype. A person in love seems to walk on air, have a magical glow, and radiate joy from every pore. While it may not be quite so peachy-keen in real life, most people would agree that love, especially the early stages of it, brings about a mood of happiness with many physical and emotional benefits.
What may not be quite so obvious is that the effects of being in love are more far reaching than meets the eye. Many studies conducted have shown that love positively affects the body and physical health as well as emotional health.
In these studies, love is defined as a joyful, visceral connection to another person, whether married, dating, or in the first few moments of falling in love. Human beings are social creatures, and seek out loving relationships for companionship and connectivity. This sense of partnership and belonging brings great emotional joy, but most surprising are the tangible, physical effects of love.
Research has shown that love can help people live longer and with less stress, have stronger immune systems, lower blood pressure, and a lower risk of dementia and depression. Married men and women have been proven to be healthier, live longer, drink less, and visit the doctor less than unmarried people. Some medical findings demonstrate that physical wounds disappear faster in people who have supportive discussions with a partner during the healing process. And of courses, there is the exultant glow of a person in love. Happy, positive people look better and feel better from day to day, and as they age.
Many studies about love refer to married men and women, but long term love without the license is still good for health. In fact, without love, the benefits of marriage decrease. Studies show that unhappily married couples have higher blood pressures than both married and unmarried people. In some cases, partners may be better off (and healthier) alone.
Why exactly does love have these healthful side effects? The reasons range from emotional to logical to scientific. Logically, loving partners and spouses are more likely to encourage healthy habits in their significant other, such as preventative care, having health insurance, exercising, and flossing. A loving partner will also discourage unhealthy habits, such as heavy drinking and smoking. Scientifically speaking, the brain’s dopamine reward system that enacts feelings of pleasure is triggered by love. Contact with a loved one also triggers a physical response by releasing the hormone oxytocin, in turn lowering stress, reducing blood pressure, improving mood, and increasing tolerance for pain. And besides just sexual contact, long-term couples create bonds through other forms of intimate touch, such as cuddling and hugging.
All in all, a person in love tends to be happier, in mind and in body; indeed, emotional and physical health often go hand in hand as far as the repercussions of love are concerned. Improved mood and feelings of acceptance can lead to more energy and generosity, and less stress. Also, the sharing and displays of generosity between partners stir generous feelings in both parties and makes them better givers and more gracious acceptors. Having someone to share worries and fears can also lessen the mental and physical burden on a person, lowering their stress levels and relieving feelings of responsibility and pressure. And emotional and spiritual growth are more apt to occur when one’s heart and mind are open and available.
What about single people? Are they destined to a life of sadness and misery? Of course not! While studies have shown a strong correlation between marriage and health, the act of simply loving another person can provide happiness. There are many different types of relationships that bring similar health benefits to people who are not married. Parent, child, sibling, friend, neighbor, colleague, and family relationships all require trust, support, and love from both sides to thrive. Short term friendly or romantic relationships also have the potential to grow into long-term ones that will continue to provide emotional and physical benefits throughout both party’s lives. In fact, studies show that all strong emotional connections improve the odds of survival by about 50 percent. That means being social and connected to people has the same benefits as quitting smoking, and even more physical benefits than exercise.
The advice that applies to single people and those who find themselves with a few less social connections than they’d prefer applies to everyone. When a bad situation presents itself, the best idea is to reach out and make contact. Sharing worries with others and letting them help to bear the load makes the load lighter for everyone; this in turn lowers stress while strengthening the bonds that get people through the hard times in life. Physical contact with another person can also help relieve stress and build feelings of connectedness. Even among friends, a shoulder squeeze or hug can have positive health effects.
These glowing benefits of low may make the cynic suspect if the opposite is also true. Unfortunately, it can be. Rejection or loss in love can be a major factor in depression and suicide, especially in younger people. Divorce also affects health; according to one study, divorced or widowed people have 20 percent more chronic health conditions than people that are still part of a long-term couple. Even remarriage does not completely negate the effects of a previous love gone wrong. However, losing love can have a positive spin. Dealing with a failed relationship can help foster an enlightened personal state of mind.
Human brains and emotions are wired to crave intimate love and it’s easy to see why. The body and the mind both improve in a big way when a person is in love. But don’t forget that romantic love is not the only type of love. Everyone benefits from close friendships and family relationships. And that’s a fact anyone can love.
Julia McCurley is founder of Austin’s premier, offline matchmaking service called Something More. Julia is a Certified Matchmaker as deemed by the internationally recognized Matchmaking Institute. Julia and Something More have been creating happy couples in Austin since 2009. Finding people true love is her calling. For more information visit www.trysomethingmore.com
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Behind every affair is a trail of tell-tale signs that make you think he might be cheating. Often times, though, these signs are subtle and are only detected in hindsight, after the affair comes to light. We all think we know the signs that he’s cheating, whether it be through sketchy phone calls, increased focus on appearance, or late hours at work. However some men are able to commit infidelity without any of the “normal” signs we are accustomed to. How are we to spot a cheater when we don’t know what to look for? So if your affair radar is up because your partner’s behavior just feels off or out of the ordinary — here are 10 counter intuitive signs you may be overlooking.
1. You get along better than ever
Because he is no longer committed to your relationship anymore, nothing bothers him. Perfection or a complete lack of friction is unnatural in a relationship. If you suddenly feel like you are living in a fairy tale, it might be time to ask some questions.
2. He is more helpful
He spends more time helping look after the children than he typically does. He may even start doing more around the house, or checking jobs off the honey lists that have been left unfinished for months. He is more than happy to do the grocery shopping, go to the dry cleaner, and do the banking, plus this gives him alone time to talk with his paramour.
3. He showers you with compliments
Another reverse psychology move a cheating man does is to be overly complimentary of you. And while this extra praise, attention, and admiration may make you feel incredible, too much of it should raise a red flag. So in reality, by attempting to make you feel good with his constant praise, he’s actually trying to make himself feel less bad about his actions.
4. The Sex is better
In a case of infidelity, believe it or not, your partner may start an increasing of sexual activity and even do things that have never before had occurred and that he probably learned from the other woman. This is typically hard to see as a possible indicator because most people don’t think their partner will increase affection if they’re cheating.
5. He’s always in a good mood
It’s always heartwarming to see the person you love feel happy, but it can be a little suspicious if his mood skyrockets for absolutely no reason. But sometimes, the reason he’s suddenly acting like the world is his oyster, is because the needs that weren’t being met in the relationship are being met elsewhere.
6. He dotes on you more
This is a common diversion tactic that a lot of cheaters will use on the people they are in relationships with. They will seemingly put their interest in their partners on overdrive. They will act OVERLY interested and invested in their relationships as a way of covering up all the deceit and betrayal that is taking place behind the scenes.
7. He never complains about your girls nights outs
He’s never suggested it before and suddenly he’s practically pulling out the pom-poms and cheering you on to get away with your girlfriends for the weekend or go spend some time with that long, lost friend on the other side of the country.
8. He surprises you with random gifts
A “just because” spa gift card or new purse—completely unrelated to a birthday, anniversary, or work promotion—could be a clue that your partner is feeling guilty about something and trying to compensate. Even though he’s never been much of a romantic before, he suddenly surprises you with a dozen red roses or a sparkly new ring. He showers you with gifts but he won’t be able to explain why he’s doing it.
9. He starts missing you more
If they want to know where you’re going, how long you’ll be gone, when you’re coming back, etc. it could be a cheating sign. What they may actually be doing is checking your whereabouts to make sure you are not somewhere that you can catch them,.
10. He is more thoughtful about cell phone use
A not so well known cheater’s move is to set his cell phone to airplane mode, which turns off Wi-Fi and cellular connection. That means no incoming calls or text messages. By setting his cell phone to airplane mode, he is making sure that no phone calls or text messages show up on his screen while your eyes are on his phone. Ask yourself the question, why would someone have their phone on silent 100% of the time unless they were in a meeting, the movies, or could it be they had something to hide?
Unfortunately, anyone is capable of cheating. There’s really no one way to know for sure whether or not your partner is cheating unless you actually catch them doing it. Everyone should be able to trust their partner. But if you suspect that something is up, be sure to watch out for those obvious and less than obvious signs that your partner may be unfaithful, and speak to them about it.
Julia and Deanna are the perfect team! Julia instinctively knew who to introduce me to after the first time I met with her. Deanna chose the restaurant (which was perfect!) and provided fashion advice to the now love of my life. I can’t thank them enough for their passion and persistence. We just celebrated the 2 most amazing years of our lives and can’t wait for many more!!!