I always hated my face, but recently I been trying really hard to improve my looks and my skin and my hair. There was someone I knew for a long time who I really trusted, and the first person I really ever trusted, and recently they told me something that really broke my heart. I have tried really super hard these months to lose weight and basically make my face more presentable, I just been trying really hard, and I didn't video call this person for long time but I sent them recent pictures of me, and after the video call they acted really distant to me, and I asked them why. They said something along the lines of (I cannot remember exactly the words) how my face looked completely different from my pictures and it was unsettling/disturbing how I acted completely normal about it and how it scared them? They even like put a side by side picture of a screenshot of my face in the video call and a picture I sent them, to compare the difference to show me.
My facial structure was apparently bigger and they said my cheeks were plumper, and it disturbed them and scared them to the point where they felt like I wasn't the person I said I was. I can't really remember the exact words because I deleted the app I was talking to them on immediately because I was too hurt to say anything more. I haven't been able to eat for days because I feel so bad about the "bigness" of my face and been begging my mom for a nose job and I can't look at myself in the mirror without crying and hating my face. I talked to someone else about it and they said sometimes some computer cameras add ten pounds or make the face look fatter so I shouldn't worry and that different camera lenses yield different outputs, but I am still so sad over it, and I can't stop obsessing over my facial structure now and wanting to get surgery.
I know this sounds so stupid, but I think I have some unresolved issues about my appearance, because I used to always be bullied for my looks ( weight, having asian features, etc), or guys always used to say mean things about my looks. I feel really scared to get plastic surgery, and to be honest I don't know whether I could go through with it or not, because I am really scared if something would mess up but I really feel like I should because I feel like maybe I am not attractive enough for love. I think my body is the only thing I really can control at this point, but guys have also told me my breasts were not their type (big enough). I am 46kg right now, and I feel like if I get to 40kg maybe I would be attractive enough for love, but at the same time I feel like I am disrespecting myself and hurting myself just for someone to love me. I used to be chubby and have bad skin, and I thought once I fixed those things and cleared my skin I would finally be "good enough" but I am still not, and I think it's really bringing me down. I don't know how to love myself to be honest. I know it's so stupid from an objective stance to care about someone's opinion like this, but this person used to mean a lot to me, and the amount that I cared for this person made this incident the most hurtful and painful one I ever felt in my life. It hurt me so badly that at one point I felt that I wasn't worthy enough to live on this planet and I should just disappear.
Has anyone else had trouble with their appearance and found out a way to accept themselves? I would really love to hear about your experiences, I haven't really started the journey of self-love in my life, and this is the first moment I am trying to begin it, so any input would be very appreciated. Thanks so much for reading this, sorry for the length.
So first things first, I am a long time sufferer I’d rather extreme facial and body dysmorphia. I see myself as ugly, deformed, and misshapen. This is not how others see me and I have grown to accept this as a fact.
I’ve been practicing being the girl other people tell me they see. It’s been doing wonders for my self confidence. Faking confidence and pretending I’m the girl I’m described as has been almost convincing my brain that I really am her. I feel disconnected from my appearance at times and don’t feel I belong in my own body. But just owning myself and my looks and no longer hiding has been so helpful.
Physically acting confident makes my brain feel better. For example:
-holding my head high when I feel like crumbling and hiding
-looking people in the eye more often than not
-smiling at people who make eye contact with me when passing by
-not talking so quietly as if I’m trying to not be heard
-standing / sitting up straight
-walking with better posture
-wearing clothes that make me feel good rather than to hide in
-doing my makeup for myself when I want to, and not for others
All of these things have helped me feel better. Maybe they can help someone else out there who’s maybe in a similar position.