So...I play basketball for the state (Up Philly!). Through this, I've met some mates in their late teens and early twenties (?) who like to practice on Sundays, opposite the school.
We had what the officer called "a violent altercation" a couple of weeks ago and my mom reacted badly. Now she wants me to move interstate to live with family. I'm not sure if thats the right move for this cat. Staying here could upset my mother even more tho.
TL;DR My mom wants me to leave Philly to stay with in-laws
Does any spouse here also not wear a wedding ring? What are your reasons not to?
I honestly feel sad about it because I have always pictured it to be a tiny but important part of being married. I always wanted him to wear it it pride one day and now I hear he doesn‘t want one. I knew he didn‘t want anything too fancy so I thought a simple gold band would be fine too. He says he doesn‘t like the look of it though he wears a gold ring on his pinky.
TL;DR: fiancé doesn‘t want to wear a wedding ring because he doesn‘t like how it looks.
My girlfriend (of ~1,5 years) is visiting her family (3 hour drive) from tuesday to sunday, the plan was me joining her on friday. Turns out thursday is a holiday which I didn't know about, also my boss asked me if I wanted to take a vacation day friday to have a 4 day weekend ("Brückentag", not much work to be done most likely).
As soon as I told my gf about it she told me I should come a day earlier (would have to take the bus/train thursday evening because no driver's license). I said I'd like that, but that i'd also like to have a whole day without any plans and obligations.
Now I'm feeling really bad and guilty that I even suggested it, whilst I also believe that I shouldn't have to justify myself having 1 day off (we're together 24/7 usually besides when I'm at work)
TL;DR! I feel guilty for suggesting that I could use a day alone and sticking to the original plan of meeting up friday instead of 1 day earlier
TL;DR 19 year relationship on the verge of ending. I know it's long, but I don't know which details are important. So if you couldn't read, thanks anyways.
A little backstory. My wife and I met when we were 16/15 years old and started dating shortly thereafter. We got married 4 years later and have been loyal to each other ever since. We had our first son 2 years after and another son 5 years after that. A classic high-school sweethearts story. Only now, she has expressed that she wants a divorce on grounds of irreconcilable differences. I'll do my best to give the details in as non-biased a way as I can.
To hear her tell it, she felt I was not "there" enough for her. Where she is right is throughout our early 20's in college and such I spent a lot of time with my friends, without her. There was never any infidelity, and she never accused me of it. But I was gone a lot. We were different, I drank a lot and smoked a bit of the reefer. Back then she was a square with 4 sharp corners (she has since loosened up a lot). She didn't cuss, drink or smoke. Literally did not do any of it at all. The first time she ever drank was when she was 30. All this to say we were definitely the "opposites attract" kind of relationship. At the time, I didn't think anything was a big deal. We loved each other. This was the seed that started our problems. After our first son I settled down a bit. Started only going out maybe once a week and eventually just stopped all together except on occasions. I all but stopped drinking, till she finally started then I kind of fell in with her again. However, I still would shirk a lot of chores and would spend most of my time outside. She would try to involve me in life decisions and things like that, but I wouldn't take them seriously or just blow them off. I'm trying be honest about myself the best I can. I was not a good life partner. However, she never really brought it up much. Yeah she would complain from time to time, but until recently, I had no idea it was actually pushing her away. It seems obvious now but I didn't see it then. We didn't argue much, but I was very good at it when we did and tried too hard to "win" the argument. Years upon years of this took its toll on her and she has evidently been wanting out for some time. How much time is hard to tell cause she is starting to feel she never was really in love with me. I don't believe this to be true. I'm sure at least til we had kids we were in love but who's to say.
Now my side. I have been feeling like there was some emotional distance for some time, although I wasn't sure exactly what the problem was. Every time I would feel this way I would chalk it up to my wife is just different from most and doesn't really express her feelings. I know, classic male mistake. In all honesty, I did not hold up to my end of the responsibilities. She has, for the most part, made more money than I but I was always right behind her. We were blessed that between us both we had a high household income. It was never that I didn't provide, it was once the money was in the account, I took almost no responsibility for it. Same things with the household chores and things like getting the kids schoolwork and getting them in bed kind of stuff. I always felt that I helped with that stuff and was never appreciated for it. The reality is somewhere in the middle, but definitely more towards her side of the argument. However at the time I felt unloved and underappreciated. This made me try to find solace in other things. I.e. video games, sports, outdoor activities, etc. All these issues lead to a rift in our emotional connection that I didn't realize was happening til recently. She began to stop trusting me with her emotions and just kept them to herself. Once again it was a product of years of habits.
Then earlier this year, late March I think, another man got involved. She had the kids at one of the cousins birthday parties. I don't remember where I was but I think I had to work. This guy she knew from high-school and hadn't seen much since then had his kids there. They talked for a bit at the party. He is going through a separation/divorce as well. After the party, the two of them reached out on facebook to each other then eventually texts and phone calls. It was at this time she finally told me she wasn't happy and she hadn't been and she wanted some time apart and she may want a divorce. I had yet to find out about the two of them until a couple weeks later. Once I found out I was shocked at the amount of communication between them. I think it may have been in the area of 30-50+ messages a day. They started out just leaning on each other with their issues. The problem is my wife became emotionally attached. Heavily. She kept it secret of coarse, but when I noticed, she lied and lied and tried to keep it hidden. Once she realized she wouldn't be able too, she tried to downplay it. He's just a friend who listened. He's just a safe place for me to vent. That kind of thing. Well I tried to convince myself that was ok but I couldn't seem to find peace with it. She tried to stop talking to him at my request, her therapist, hell even the other guy said she should stop until things settled. But she couldn't quit him. She finally, after a month or so, admitted that she had not been happy, but part of her really wants to be with him. Almost like she was trying to hold our relationship together until he come along, now she wants to be with him. It's more complicated than this but I feel this is basically the case. Once she finally admitted to this, she has said she's scared to make a move for fear of regret and the kids reaction and things like that. So, for the time being, she's sticking around to see if she can love me again or at least open her heart to it like she did with him.
My questions are:
Is it even possible for her to love me again? If so, I know I will need to change and I'm pretty aware of the changes needed. I fully accept them.
Is it possible my actions can make her feel like she never loved me? I believe that they did, but maybe I am fooling myself.
Are her feelings for the other guy superficial or real? Should she work through that first? Am I overreacting to the relationship?
What can I do to win her heart back if she is thinks she can't love me?
Any other advice is greatly appreciated. Don't sugar coat it. I've worked construction for years and can handle harsh criticism. Thanks to all of you who stuck it out through this post. There is more going on here and I will gladly answer any questions. Help me reddit, I'm lost and greatly depressed over this news and would do anything I can to fix my marriage.
A few more details as to why normal trial separation will not work in our case. In the last year we bought a house, a new car for her, and a truck for me. We had worked hard together to get out of debt and build a nice nest egg together, but this last year has kind of wiped that out. Nether of us can afford the house without the other and our emergency funds are dwindled. If someone moves out, they would need to be able to afford a new place and help pay for the home the kids are in. Market in our area makes selling the house a slow process, maybe years.
Sunday, my girlfriend broke up with me. She was my first everything. First love, first girlfriend, first kiss, etc. We have been dating for 2 and 1/2 years.
It wasn't a "bad" breakup. We didn't fight or yell. She told me how she felt and what she thought about our relationship. She talked about how we're really different since our hobbies, interests, the way we communicate, life goals, etc. are basically complete opposites. She said she's been thinking about it a lot and decided it was best if we break up. I thought everything was fine. Looking back, there were signs I just didn't see.
I feel it's my fault, despite her emphasizing its neither of our faults and how I'm perfectly fine the way I am; it just doesn't fit with how she is.
But inside, I just feel it's my fault. I failed to see what was wrong, I didn't care for her as much as she did for me and there were so many things I could have done better. I get upset at myself when I look back and think of how good she was and how I didn't cherish her more.
When she told me, it hit me like a truck. I didn't know what to say or what to do. I think I started disassociating a little. I didn't get to feel it at the moment to have a better conversation. Now I've thought about it and had time to process, it's really hurting me. I feel so shitty that I basically disassociated and avoided the feelings in the moment. Should I ask to talk to her and just explain all my feelings for closure, when I hadn't processed it earlier?
I know I'm still young and there's plenty of other women out in the world, but this hurts now. I'm not that tall, handsome, confident, etc. but she accepted me for who I was. All my shortcomings, crudeness, and weirdness. She never cared what others thought about our height difference and always complimented me whenever I felt insecure.
I love her and it hurts. I can't imagine her not in my life, but shes struggling to imagine me as her partner in the future. How can I move on? So many things remind me of her. I see memes online and think "oh I should share this with her". I eat some good food and think "I should come here with her!" I never realized how big of a part of my life she was. I never went a day without talking to her, and now I have to.
Should I ask to talk and explain my feelings to try and find closure, or will that only make it worse? How can I get over this pain? This was my first relationship and I really don't know what to do. My heart hurts and I just feel awful.
(Sorry for being all over the place. My mind is just everywhere and I'm struggling to piece this together and ask for advice)
TL;DR: My girlfriend of 2 and 1/2 years broke up with me. It seemed to have came out of nowhere, but I missed the signs. I feel it's my fault, despite her saying it's nobodies fault. I still love her a lot and it hurts. I want to talk to her and explain all my feelings now, hopefully to try and find closure. I don't know how to get over this pain or over her.
My boyfriend and I don't really fight, when we do we just argue or have deeper discussions. These arguments always occur because one of us has done something that has hurt the other person in some way, but never intentionally. We talk about the event, how we felt about it, and how to move forward. It's been a huge step up from ignoring the problem and just acting passive aggressive towards each other until we get over it like we have done for years before. I love being able to openly communicate with him, and that he is able to do the same for me, but there is a catch. Every time he does something to me and I express my feelings and why I am hurt, he kind of turns it around and makes it about himself. Suddenly it becomes less about how I am hurt, and more about how he feels like a terrible boyfriend, how I deserve better, how he never learns. I always acknowledge that he's improved so much, but he really has it in his head. I feel like I always have to immediately get over how I am feeling to take care of him, and honestly it makes me feel a little resentful. I feel like I don't get my time to be taken care of? The main point of the discussion is thrown out because he needs to be reassured. I don't think he's trying to manipulate me or the situation, at least purposely. He does make sure to apologize and think of ways to improve moving forward, so it does feel resolved, but maybe I want more of the affection afterwards.
Some more information: we have broken up before due to him not being the best communicator and just immediately shutting down, so that's why it's so great to hear him being more open about his feelings. Maybe the past break up is the reason he's so insecure every time we argue.
TL;DR my bf makes me mad, I say why, he gets sad he made me mad, all attention goes to him
Backstory: My now wife and I got together in 2013. During that time, I introduced her to one of my good friend (Female), who after a few months, introduced my wife to her other group of female friends. My wife, along with the big group of friends, would plan "girls night out" trip, which includes going to Vegas (or other destinations) once a year, and dinners a couple times a year. The first time my wife went with these girls to Vegas, there was only about 6 girls, only one of whom she hadn't met. Now the group has slowly expanded every year to 12 girls. These yearly trips have now been going on since 2014, and my wife has attended most of them.
Fast forward to now, we are both 29 and married. One of her best guy friends has invited me on a trip to Vegas, with a group of his friends who I've never met before. He has a history of not being faithful to his partners, but other than that he's a wonderful person. I've never really been invited to group events, so I thought I can take this opportunity to make some new friends and go out of my comfort zone. Unfortunately, my wife is uncomfortable with this because she thinks we are too old to go to Vegas with people I'm mostly not familiar with. I don't see it that way. My reasoning is that even though I was uncomfortable with the things she was doing (clubbing, strip clubs, etc), I bit my tongue because I trusted her and didn't want to restrict her from having fun.
Her argument is that she was young at 23 when she started going to Vegas and she already knew the girls (4 out of 5) before going. Now she goes with the same group of girls (established in 2015, when she was 25). Of the 12 girls, 4 are married, 3 are married with kids, 5 are in a long term relationship. She says that our situation is not the same, because we are now married and our focus should not be going to Vegas to party with random guys that we have never met, especially with a group of guys (including the unfaithful one) that I do not know, and she does not trust.
Now, I never had a problem with her going out with the group of girls. I wasn't the most outgoing person when I was younger, so attending group events wasn't something I did. Now that I'm older and a bit more social, I find it easier to get out of my comfort zone and meet new people (maybe even make some new friends along the way). Keep in mind that I would never jeopardize my relationship with my wife over two nights in Vegas. I have and always will be faithful, and use my best judgement in any circumstances.
Reddit, what do you make of this situation? Does my wife have a point for me not to go on this trip? Or is it within reason for me to go?
TL;DR - Wife goes on yearly Vegas trips with her friends starting at 23, and got upset when I wanted to go on a guys trip with guys I don't really know at 29 because she believes it's not the same situation.
My boyfriend of two years has been unemployed for that entire time even though he's highly educated (grad school). He has a large extended family overseas who live in a very poor country. They ask him for money all the time and he has been giving them his savings but now he does not have anything left. We are becoming serious and looking to move in together soon. I am worried that I will be expected to give money to my boyfriend's extended family (parents, siblings, nieces and nephews, cousins etc) because I have a job and I am concerned that will impact on my own life, my ability to look after my own parents and also my ability to have a child and take care of that child. I understand why he wants to help his family and I would be happy to help a little but for many years he has been giving his family basically everything he has, so I don't think that will change. What should I do? I don't think I will be able to do anything enjoyable with my money because he will see it as being frivolous while his family goes without. Quite a few times when I have spent money on things like a dinner out or a taxi he has made comments and been angry that I am wasting money.
tl;dr - boyfriend is unemployed and expects me to give money to his extended family overseas
So 6 months ago a good friend (let's call him Peter) of about 10 years introduced me to a girl (Jess) he was seeing. Me and Jess became friends quite quickly, but after about 2 months her and Peter had a pretty bad split.
When that happened I made sure with Peter that it was alright that I stayed friends with Jess, and he assured me that it was 100% okay. I asked him multiple times across a span of about a month, and each time he reassured me that it was totally fine, that he wanted to break up because he didn't feel ready for the commitment.
Fast forward a couple more months, he starts making contact with Jess again. Not being super happy with him, and needing more space to let things breath, she blocked him.
After a while blocked, she decided to meet up with him to try fix things up, and started chatting with him again. After a few day though, he said some hurtful things and she blocked him again.
Since that time he has been sending very hurtful messages to her any way he can, through email, old accounts, even venmo.
I've been friends with Peter for around 10 years, and we're pretty close. He doesn't know that Jess has told me about the abusive messages and I'm just not sure what to do. He is obviously hurting about the whole situation, but he won't say anything about it to me. On the other hand, there is no excuse for the abusive messages, and I'm really disappointed at the things he's been saying. I don't know how to proceed.
TLDR: A good friend of mine introduced me to his GF then promptly broke up. I stayed friends with his ex but now he is sending her abusive messages. He doesn't know she's told me about the messages and I don't know how to proceed
I’ve been with my bf for 2 years. He’s my absolute best friend. we talk about getting engaged next year as I will be graduated as a nurse and he is also a nurse. We’re the perfect match, I cannot picture a life without him. He is the absolute most loving caring person I have ever met.
But his family constantly causes a wedge between us. They are DEMANDING, narcissistic, rude, and treat him like he’s 10. They have constantly started fights with me when I have done nothing, and each time I’ve never said anything back. Most times he’s took their side even when they were wrong, but I’ve let it go because it’s his family. But now it’s becoming a huge problem. I haven’t been to his house in weeks and we fight about his family every single day.
Today he said if his family didn’t accept me anymore (WHEN I HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT BE NICE) he’d leave me and listen to what they’d want. In his words “they’ll make it impossible for us to be together”. Honestly if that was me in his position I’d choose him over my family and leave to be with him. Yet he claims I’m the love of his life and he can’t live without me and all this bs
I’m already with my end to my patience and don’t wanna be with him anymore to avoid his horrible family. I cannot imagine dealing with this for the rest of my life.
Idk what to do anymore
Tl;dr boyfriends family is driving me absolutely insane. They are truly horrible, disgusting people and idk what to do anymore.