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I’ve struggled with severe depression in recent years and some days it feels like i’m literally going crazy. My body and brain can just shut down, or go hyperactive, or even both within mere minutes of each other and i blame it on my parents and one event in the past.
My dad is homophobic, or ‘traditional’ and my mom... I.. don’t like to talk about her.
But i blame my mental health not only on them but what they did.
When i was little, say.. 3-4 years old, i would rip out clumps of hair mindlessly from my head with my left hand. So of course my parents took me to a psychiatrist/doctor. The doctor said it was some type of behavioural disorder, and that they should give me the prescribed meds so it doesn’t get any worse down the road.
However, as my dad told me, the doctor had one eye, and they didn’t like him, so they didn’t listen.
They just wanted the hair pulling to stop so i would look okay in photos.
So you know what they did?
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY FUCKING DID?!
THEY SHAVED MY FUCKING HEAD BALD. RIGHT IN THE LIVING ROOM WITH ME IN A HIGHCHAIR, STRAIGHT UP BALD. MY MOM TOOK PHOTOS OF THE PROCESS.
Fuck them. If they had just listened, maybe i wouldn’t be as messed up.
And you know what? I remember this vividly— When my hair grew back to a reasonable length, around 5-6, the pulling started again. It was always when i was alone in my room, i’d rip out weak handfuls of hair with my left hand mindlessly. It never hurt, and i barely realized i was doing it until i saw a small pile of hair on my bed.
The habit finally disappeared around grade six or seven, when i got a short haircut.
I’m in grade 9 now, it’s still short. Just like when i was little.
We had a talk about sexuality that ended up veering into some really painful shit in my past (nmom tried to force me to admit I was Bi so I sealed myself deep in the closet for over 20 years; also sealed away literally all sexuality. I didn't masturbate, watch porn, kiss anyone, or even hold hands with anyone until I was 19 I was so repressed to protect myself). Then he read a headline to me about a mom who killed her son because he reminded her of her own father. I'm rarely susceptible to episodes like this these days but I'm drunk and I can feel myself slipping down the rabbit hole. I love my husband, he didn't mean anything by this; my mental health has been so excellent lately we both forgot that I still have triggers. But I dont want to go down the hole. We were having a great time tonight until now. Any advice is appreciated.
TW for violence against animals, descriptions of past violence, gore
My father has a very disgusting habit of making these bizarre jokes about how one of these days he is gonna “kill”, “strangle”, “shoot” or “toss (my) cats out the window”. And this isn’t in a cutesy way at all, he genuinely seems to consider it. His sense of humor always involves violence in some shape or form...
He says he will use my cats for target practice (he is an amateur shooter) so he can watch them run. He actually came very close to strangling my older cat during a rage fit of his, but was stopped by my mom. He has a history of cruelty to animals both as a child and as an adult. He loves to talk about how he would cut off the heads of geese to watch their beheaded bodies move around aimlessly. Or when he described in excruciating detail how he had to kill a dying cat with a hammer. He likes to talk about these DURING LUNCH especially, and the more we feel bothered by it, the more he likes to talk.
Yesterday, he thought the kitten I just adopted had accidentally swallowed his medication. And instead of asking for help, he thought about what he would do with the body should the cat die at night. He told me he wouldn’t say anything if my kitten died, he would just pretend he saw it run away. First thing he asks me during breakfast is: “So, is your cat alive? I thought I would have to throw his body away today.”
He thinks it’s hilarious that I feel angry at him for such a “little thing”, but how can someone be this cruel? My kitten could be dead by now and all he was worried about was how he would save his own ass? Am I overreacting? I am genuinely terrified of what he is capable of...
Some context? I just finished my first semester of college. I took a gap semester after high school.
I’m grateful that my parents are helping me pay for school and I wanted to show my appreciation through good grades. I was also constantly threatened leading up to the spring semester, and how I’d be “fucked” if I were to fail.
So I worked hard, and got all A’s with a significant coarse load. And what’s the result?
He’s still pissed. He just screamed at me saying that he was hoping I’d fail. By failing, I’d reassure him that I’m a “full-time idiot” and not just a “part-time or selective idiot.” My grades are insulting to him because they supposedly show that I care more school than him. He claims that I’m an idiot and make his life SO fucking difficult. I was gonna continue with a long explanation defending myself, but that isn’t necessary. I’ve paused my schoolwork to help him with inane tasks at the drop of a hat. I put effort into completing said tasks, big and small. I can decipher his piss poor instructions and still accomplish them. I’ve shown time and time again that I care about him.
Maybe I’m not a selective idiot... Maybe he just has selective memory.
I believe this is my first post apart from comments in this subreddit, but this is one of those moments I really felt the need to say something; for me, and for all of us. Before the sun comes up on a day like Father’s Day, that celebrates the monsters in our lives (or pasts), I wanted to offer some words that some of us might need to hear.
Happy Father’s Day to YOU. To everyone that put up with their Ndads their entire childhood.
Today is for you now. Today, perhaps you can celebrate your escape and independence. You can celebrate being a better human than him, despite the atrocities he put you through. Today - you are stronger than yesterday.
To everyone still dealing with their Ndads on a day like today: I’m right there with you. Let today remind you that our day IS coming - and that we need to be ready to strike when the opportunity for escape presents itself. Save money, build a marketable skill set, and be more responsible than our fathers ever were. I know after all we’ve gone through it can be extremely challenging and seem almost impossible; many of us have developed disorders from the chronic abuse. Do it to spite him if you must. Whatever it takes, just do what you have to do to get out sooner rather than later, and deal with that anger later. It will be much easier when you’re free.
Until then, avoid confrontation at all costs. Let them make the snide remarks, and try, try, try not to give them the satisfaction - especially today. There is one thing you can celebrate: you’ve been strong enough to make it to this point. You can’t give up now. You’ve come so far, dealt with so much. Keep at it.
S/DoNMs - we’re all thinking of you today, too. Fathers or mothers, being raised by a narcissist is always the same special kind of hell, and that’s why we’re all here. On that note:
Thank you - to everyone here. You were here when I needed someone the most. You understood. Thank you especially to the founder. You gave us a temporary escape, a place to learn that we’re not crazy, or alone. You ALL have helped me decide to keep going, and I don’t know how I could ever say thank you enough.
The last time I saw my parents was early December and the last conversation with my dad started with him greeting me as "pus for brains." My mom, dad, and I have had a really rough relationship these past few years and it's only gotten worse.
Against my better judgement and because I stupidly thought our relationship might get fixed in Oct 2016 I took my parents in when they were being evicted from their place. I was no contact for about a year and a half before that. Anyway when they moved out in Sept 2016 my dad left some tools, a pressure washer, lawnmower, air compressor, and various tools in my garage. After reminding him three or more times that he has to get it and nagging my mom about it she tells me he has no room for them and he's never going to use them so keep it all. Now over two years later after leaving them there, completely out of the blue, he texts me demanding it all back. I still have it but told him I didn't have it because I didn't want to deal with him, he said he was going to show up today with the deputies to get his stuff and "not to fuck with [him]". I told him I didn't have it and I was ending the conversation. That was 11:15 yesterday. Then at 2:30 yesterday my wife texts me telling me he's at the house and broke into the garage. I called 911 and the deputies came out. I almost had him arrested, would have been a felony because he broke into an occupied dwelling and I just figured he's not worth it and had him trepassed. Per the deputies I had to tell him aloud that he wasn't welcome back, so I said "Dad..." And he cuts me off and yells back "No, not mom and dad, it's [his name] and [her name]". I just said "Fine [his name] and [her name] you are no longer welcome here." And he left without any of my stuff.
I always had my mom pegged as the narcissist and I guess he is too. I went to go see how he broke in and he literally broke my gate to gain access to the garage. He just thinks he can break into my garage.
My favorite parts about yesterday: I knew the cop from highschool plus we're in similar line of work and have run into each other from time to time. Additionally, I have cameras on my porch and played back when the deputies arrived. They kept telling him to stop being a "smartass" when he was initially responding to them.
By the way, I'm not sure if this works for everyone but it did for me, just because you block someone from the phone app on Android the party can still text you. I was able to add his number to the blacklist on my messaging app so now I won't receive anymore texts from him.
My mom can't get her own financial situation right, ever. She's used my money for bills etc. before and it makes me more angry than anything to see the money I worked so hard for go to her. I'm currently a 16 year old male and just sold a prototype run of a product I created. I now have $11,000 in cash and can't put it in the bank because my mom has access to my bank account. Is there any way to unlink my account from her's while I'm under 18? Any answers are appreciated.
So my mom is the N and her husband (my stepdad) is a cruel enabler, although not an N himself (he never liked me or my siblings and was vocal and mean about it). My brother and sister are my mom’s preferred golden children, and I have a stepbrother who hasn’t seen the brunt of their abuses but he generally stays away from them when possible.
I recently (as in a few weeks ago) moved across the country. I did this with no job and no place to live, and everything I own can fit in the back of my car. Suffice it to say they were not happy. My sister is getting married in the fall and I’m a bridesmaid, so every conversation between either my nmom or stepdad over the past 3 months had devolved into “are you sure this is a good time? You should wait until after the wedding” and now that I’ve left every interaction has devolved into “don’t forget about your sister’s wedding!” (I’ve pretty much shut this down though, they’ve been told that conversations will end when they bring this up from now on).
I’ve been trying to grey rock my nmom as much as possible since I left. She sent a text message on Tuesday trying to seem like she was asking about my day but in reality she really wanted to get some info so she can pick my life apart. I chose not to respond, and the following morning she sent a text asking how my job search was going. I also did not respond to that message. Less than 6 hours later, she texted me saying “OK, I’m figuring you’re dead. Please let us hear from you.” She escalated it to the point where she knew I’d respond, because the last thing I need is cops showing up because I’ve been reported missing. I also don’t need her shutting my phone off, as I can’t afford my own plan and I’m still looking for work.
So anyway, I responded to that message pretty shortly saying I was busy and she left it for the rest of the day. Cue the next morning when I woke up to 17 texts and a voicemail (I’m in a different timezone now so she’s a few hours ahead of me) from nmom telling me how I’m ungrateful and I don’t appreciate her help (literally the only help I’ve gotten from them other than them allowing me to pay rent to them since I turned 18 is them allowing me to pay my portion of their phone bill instead of getting my own - she’s just so helpful, clearly). I sent her a photo of one of my interview outfits because she asked and I thought maybe she’d stop texting me. Instead she told me I looked like a fat cow and that I should just apply at Walmart or Arby’s because that’s all I’m good for (I received my BA six months ago tomorrow, btw, but that means nothing to her apparently).
So I’ve been a little down the last couple of days, ignoring most of her harassment and only responding to civil questions, but today my sister shared something on Facebook that made me laugh. It should’ve made me angry but I feel like it just serves as a perfect example of how insane my N is.
So the morning I left for my move, my mother made me give back my house key, she changed the code for the garage door opener, and hid the outside spare key in a different place (I have no idea where). She told me that my bedroom was now her craft room, anything I left was fair game and would probably be thrown out (whatever), and that if I ever wanted to visit I would need to stay with my dad (he lives in the next county over) and make sure they didn’t have anything going on before I stopped by. [This part hurts the most, because they still have the dog I picked out in high school and basically singlehandedly raised. I had planned on taking him with me originally but he’s 11 and I wouldn’t feel right about moving him from a big house in a temperate zone to a small apartment in a cold climate. I realistically may never see him again and that is devastating, but there isn’t much I can do about it.]
ANYWAY, my sister shared an image on Facebook of a silhouette of a woman holding a toddler’s hand on the beach with a quote saying “I hope when my children grow up they still burst through the door unannounced, asking for food and advice and love. Their job as my children may change over time but my job as their mother never ends.” My sister does not have children, so I chocked this up to her being very stupid (she barely graduated high school, admittedly got through college by sleeping with one of her major advisors, and reads at a middle school level) until I saw who she had shared it from.
It was my nmom. The woman who flat out told me I was no longer welcome in her house less than a month ago had the gall to post that on Facebook. While I sit, unemployed with student loan payments quickly approaching, in a windowless 8x10 room in the basement of a house with 6 other inhabitants, paying $550/month with no kitchen access, disappointed and depressed by how little my mother seems to care about me, she goes and puts the exact opposite of what she actually thinks on Facebook for all her friends to see.
I always thought maybe she just didn’t realize how hurtful she was, but now I get it. She knows exactly what she’s doing, and she’s doing it on purpose. Once I get a job and can move into an actual apartment (easier said than done because I have terrible credit thanks to nmom “borrowing” my wallet for an “emergency” that I stupidly believed and maxing out my credit cards) I’m going to get on my own phone plan and change my number.
I’m so over it. Let her report me missing. She knows exactly where I am and she can explain that to the cops when they go back to her for wasting their time.
Tl;dr My sister is very stupid but she exposed who my N truly is and I’m honestly thankful for it.
Does anyone else who grew up/still lives with their nparent/s have constant negative criticism going on in your heads about every single thing you do, even if it’s really not that horrible?
I am so scared of embarrassment and messing up in even the smallest ways. I mean, I’m 25 but my mind likes to constantly (I mean every single second of the day) remind me of embarrassing shit I did as a kid/teenager, stupid shit that I know I wouldn’t do now. I get so anxious that I get lightheaded and my heart hurts and I get this horrible sinking feeling inside of me. Is there a way to cope with these thoughts/feelings, especially ways that work for people who dissociate?
I just realized last year just how many of my nmother's "funny childhood stories" about me involve me crying. Like 90% of them. I don't think most narcs understand just how bad it makes them look, either.
For reference, a "funny" story from someone's childhood doesn't normally include that person crying from actual pain,serious injury, distress, or betrayal of their trust. It certainly shouldn't include you laughing at them while they cry about those things instead of comforting them or getting them help.
An actually funny story from my childhood:
At around 8 or 9, I had somehow come to the conclusion that "glutius maximus" (a term my gym teacher often used instead of "butts"; "Get off your gluteus maximus and run those laps!") was actually "bootius maximus", and this is where the word "booty" came from. This made such complete sense to me, that it was somehow a major part of my world view... Until the in gym when I fell in my butt doing gymnastics. The teacher asked if I was alright, and I said, "Yeah, I just fell on my bootius maximus."
She went, "What?"
I replied, "My bootius maximus. You know, my butt?
My gym teacher, valiantly choking back laughter, probably to spare my feelings, said, "Um. It's gluteus maximus. With a G."
I was indignant. "No, it's not! It's bootius maximus! As in booty!"
"No, I promise you, it's gluteus."
I felt like nothing in the world made sense anymore. Outraged, I howled, "BUT WHERE DOES THE WORD BOOTY COME FROM THEN?!"
This teacher, who was normally no-nonsense, started laughing hysterically. She had to call over another teacher to cover for her whole she left for a few minutes to compose herself. She kept bursting into giggles every time she looked at me for the rest of the period. I think I probably made her semester.
In contrast, my mother's idea of a funny story from my childhood:
Background: When I was about 11 our 12, we had two large, wonderful dogs (don't worry, there is no animal abuse in this story). Both were mutts. The female, about 3 years old at the time, was beautiful, with thick black fur, incredibly patient, and smart as a whip. She was honestly smarter than most people I've known. The male was about a year old, golden-red fur, also beautiful, very protective of me, and dumb as a bag of bricks. He was a good boy, he just didn't have a lot going on upstairs.
So the story: Mom would sometimes give the dogs ham bones (or chuncks of thick bone about 3-4 inches long) after most of the meat was off it, but they could only have them outside. We lived in a place that gets very hot in the summer, so Female Dog would often try to sneak in with the bones (remember, thick black fur) to chew them in the air conditioning, where all the family was.
We were sitting in the living room watching a movie, and my brother let the dogs in. Female Dog settles down by me on the floor, and slowly starts chewing the bone she snuck in, hoping no one will notice. It took a couple minutes, but mom finally noticed.
Instead of telling me to make the dog go back outside like she did, my mom said, "Hey, Book Obsessed Goth, go take that bone out of her mouth and throw it outside."
Now, I was 11 or 12, I had never, ever seen this dog be aggressive to people, and I was raised to be unquestioningly obedient and trusting of my mother. So I just said, "Ok!" and stuck my fingers into my dog's mouth to pry the bone out from between her teeth. Now, I want to reiterate that this was an awesome dog. She was sweet and patient and smart, and willing to put up with a lot of her human's nonsense. But every dog has their limit, and this was hers.
She didn't snap or even break the skin much. She got my thumb between the bone and her tooth, and bit down just enough to teach me a lesson and make sure I wouldn't be doing anything that stupid again, and then released it. The skin was just barely broken. I, being a kid, still screamed and started crying.
My mother immediately started laughing. The male dog shoved his way between the other dog and me, alternating between glaring at her, trying to check me over to see where I was hurt, and looking confused at my mother. While my mother laughed so hard she nearly peed herself.
My dad came in and asked what happened. I told him, still crying, that mom said to take the bone away from Female Dog, and I tried, and she bit my thumb. He gave my mother a "what the fuck?" look, and she immediately said, "It was a joke I didn't think you'd actually do it. Why did you do that?! That was incredibly stupid." She started laughing again.
"But you said-" "You should know not to stick your fingers in dogs' mouths when they have a bone or food!" Completely ignoring the way I would always get yelled at if I didn't instantly jump to do anything she said to, whether it made any sense to me or not.
My dad sighed and asked to see my thumb. It had already stopped the tiny amount of bleeding. He got it cleaned and put a bandaid on it, and told me that I shouldn't put my fingers in a dogs mouth to take a bone, no matter who tells me to.
For years my mom loved to tell the story of how I was too dumb to know she was joking when she said to take a bone out of the dog's mouth, and I got bit as a result, which is still so funny to her that that she laughs so hard she farts.
Shows an incredible lack of empathy. Both for her daughter's pain, and how her part in it makes her look to non narcs. Anyone else have narcs that just don't get that?