Everytime I bring this up, I'm just met with, "you're not a burden," and, "stop hiding from those who care about you." I know that's meant to help but mentally I'm like, I'd never tell my suicidal friend that they're stressing me out even if they were and I just assume people are doing that for me so I bottle everything up and just release it in a nondirect way or come to places like this and it never makes a difference and I'm just pushing myself away from everyone and everything and I don't talk to anyone. I just send memes, have like two sentences of conversation and just cry a lot when I can't sleep or sleep for over 15 hours and get up for school the next day. I won't sleep for 2 days because if guilt for telling my friend I consider to be my brother that I want to run away and kill myself yet again then I drop off the talking and just send memes again. I asked a girl out on a date and she rejected me but I'm not sad because of that I'm sad I just wanted to be able to be held by someone .
It pops into my thoughts every so often but I haven’t had any real strong urges until now. It’s been in my head all night since I heard someone talking about it on TV and I’ve been looking up pictures of self harm just to trigger myself even more. My mind is in a really dark place right now where it hasn’t been in a very long time, I’m trying to force myself out of it but it’s very hard.
I’ve been doing great this month. My mood and anxiety have improved immensely. My motivation and drive to do things productive is great. But now I feel like I’m back to square one with these thoughts and urges.
I forced myself to write this because I know there’s many of you who have gone through this exact thing. Any words of encouragement or advice would be greatly appreciated.
8 months ago is when it started. it eventually became this emptiness, overwhelming loneliness, hopelessness. now its gotten worst. i have become numb to those feelings now. i feel like my brain never shuts off, its exhausting. i always feel overwhelmed when i have tasks i need to do, which is everyday. i feel trapped in my head and thoughts. i feel like i am different and think veryy differently and more deeply than others , especially my high school peers. the symptoms of depression and anxiety never quiet exactly described me, until yesterday i found out what existential depression was and couldn't relate anymore to anything before. i feel this best describes the point im at now. i don't want to tell any adults or parent because i don't want to be a burden or cause worry. i have tried in the past and didn't get helpful results.
I have a problem and I don't know if it's bipolar or whatever. I'm 31 and female.
I can be pretty emotionally black and white when it comes to my relationship with my husband. When we're good, I'm super playful and affectionate like a kitten. When he pisses me off or we have an argument, I f***ing HATE him. I think thoughts like, "I should jump off the balcony / I hope I get hit by a car. THEN he'll be sorry" or even "I hate this relationship", "I "I hope he dies". I know, this is psychotic. I'm otherwise a reasonable person who needs to talk problems over. Actually, I have difficulty sleeping until we resolve an argument.
(If you knew me in real life, I seem like normal and happy person...and when things are fine, I actually am! But I'm glad we don't have guns in Australia because there have been many times throughout my life when I would've held a gun to my head.)
My feelings can switch extremely and suddenly. I feel like I lack magnanimity. A small problem can niggle at me and make me toss and turn all night - which is infuriating because my husband is the type who can sleep happily after an unresolved argument.
So we went to a wedding and it was good and all till the reception. My dad kept bugging me to dance with some girl that I don't know. I did not find this comfortable and for once I stood up for myself saying how I don't feel comfortable with it. He wouldn't stop. He would say that he'll ask her for me. This lasted about two to three hours. He just starts talking about how I'm afraid of the opposite sex. I've never told him this but I'm really just scared of wemon because I feel like if I was to have a relationship with someone I may become my dad. My dad gets angry really quick and I have had issued with my own emotions and anger in the past. I can't talk to nobody my family can't keep secrets so I don't tell them about my problems, my parents don't believe in mental issues anyways, only the usual is just in your head. I've been fighting depression, and anxiety for years, once almost costing me my life. I recently had two panic attacks that lasted around an hour to two hours two days after this happened and I think it could be the reason I had this. I just want to move out and be alone. I'm lost and don't know what to do. I just need help. I've got two years at least till I can move out. I just need to know how to cope with this.
I'm struggling so much. Everything that could've ever gone wrong in my life has gone wrong (abusive family, bad people in high school, deaths on deaths on deaths, bullying, sexual assaults, depression) and I think last year, having to run away from the city I lived in to go stay with my parents 3 hours away who I trust very little just to get away from my horrible, living nightmare of a boyfriend had really just been the epitome of it all. It feels like the final thing that I'm not going to bounce back from. I always tried so hard to be resilient and to keep powering and to keep trying to get to the next good thing and to become someone who thrives and now I barely survive.
I couldn't stay at my parents any longer and I found a home to live in with my puppy that my ex wouldn't know anything about so I felt confident enough to return and try and finish my degree after a year long hiatus grounded in post-rape recovery, my normal mental health problems, and then ultimately a horribly abusive relationship. I wanted to just keep going I want to get my degree, its all I ever wanted and its everything for me if I am going to have any sort of a future. I even had meetings with the uni to tell them about everything that has happened, and to make arrangements so that I didn't have to take exams in the same room as my rapist and to have some support and it was so good and I felt so empowered.
But I had an essay to do. I was too depressed to do it so I got an extension for a week. Then I got another extension for another week. It was due yesterday and I'm barely two paragraphs in and I just can't write anything. I can't do it and I just want to be asleep and I want to cry and I want to eat and I want to not leave my house and I want to be invisible. And yesterday I took my puppy to the vet because something was wrong with his ear and now I have to take him in to be sedated so that they can fix whatever is going on in it so he isn't well and I'm so sad for him I just want him to be healthy and happy.
I feel like I finally want to give up and throw it all in. I'm so beaten down.
I feel like I have a problem and I do not know what to do about it. I think both of these things are related to the desire to control things in my life after a rough childhood but I don't know. First of all, I have such a weird attachment to stuffed animals that I can't explain- not even ones that I've had for a very long time, but just ones that I can associate with certain moods. Depending on my mood/what I'm doing/etc I will think about one of two stuffed animals that I have all day and then at night sleep with the stuffed animal depending on that. It is such a weird thing to be preoccupied by and I have no idea why I do this. I am 21 and too old to have stuffed animals anyway. I have so many other things going on in life and I feel like these strange thoughts are a waste of time and distracting me. Second, one of the only things in life that make me genuinely happy is my boyfriend and I feel like that is terrible. I plan my schedule around maximizing the time that I can spend with him because he is just my favorite person, but I think I am too obsessive. I worry about him and think about losing him and project my jealously/insecurity onto him. Sometimes I find myself unable to do things because I am worrying about him. I just want to be happy and carefree and not think about these insignificant things all the time. Both of these things seem to demonstrate a very obsessive personality and I guess I'm looking for advice to just live in the moment, enjoy life, be productive, and not focus on things that shouldn't be a big deal. I'm not sure if this post even makes sense but if anyone has any input I'd appreciate it, thank you.
I am not sure how this works but right now I feel like my head is going to burst. I am sitting here on my bed and my partner is sitting right next to me watching a basket ball game on his tablet. He is nice, loves me and all but I can't help feeling like I am choking on something. I don't even feel like telling him how I am feeling. I don't even know why. it would hurt but its like I cannot feel anything. I want to melt away right here. its hard to breathe at times. I feel like I haven't felt whatever normal is in a long long while.
My partner is a good man but he is also very headstrong. like rn if I tell him to Lower the volume he willl just tell me to put ear plugs on or maybe ask me to go to the other room and do whatever I am doing. But I don't want to be alone coz I am losing my fucking mind. I want to be with him. this is the story of our lives. if I have to be with him I have to be on his terms else he will just tell me not be around. this makes him sound like an asshole, but he is generally not that. Like I am sloppy around the house and do not do a lot of housework because I go to grad school so he takes care of most things like household chores. so I cannot say that he is someone who does not care or give a damn about us or this relationship. He moved countries with me so I could go to grad school. But also he was not working back home so its not like he made a big sacrifice. We survive on my grad stipend and he does some basic hourly work which gets in some Money if not a lot. I feel he is frustrated about the fact that he does not earn but he is an able person and sometimes I feel like he does not want to work at all. I know it sounds contradictory but I can't make sense of it either. He shows he is trying and I clearly see him tensed every time our bank account is dipping low. He is 35 y/o now. I am 30 and we have been married 4 years.
he comes from money and his parents are kind of wealthy with a lot of property so sometimes he says he is not worried about money in the future. but I feel his parents are super controlling and by the time our finances stabilize, we will be really old and there will be nothing to do for us. idk what I am saying anymore. but I need to get this out. I am losing my mind. I wish he went to work in the morning so I could be more productive too. RN I keep feeling bad about him hanging out at home alone so I can't focus on my work and end up missing out on a lot of grad school work. I know the problem is with me that I should be able to detach and do my own thing but I cannot. I feel like I need him and inside, deep inside, I prefer to have him around and the fucked up way its unfolding. idk what to do.
we can only discuss these things to a point after which it becomes too intense and angry. he is super frustrated about being jobless and I don't want to make him feel bad about it and hurt his feelings. I did love him and chose to marry him against several odds. :( I want to cry and I want to be held and I want to be understood and I want to be allowed.
For two years, I worked one of the hardest kinds of work I can imagine existing. I worked in several residential youth care facilities, where "wards of the state" (parents lost rights, kid is in custody of the state) lived until they either turned 18, were adopted, or were sent to another facility (such as a psychiatric hospital, where many would take brief trips here and there). While there were many positive experiences I had with working with those youth, the conditions those kids lived in were awful. I'm here today to (finally) share what I experienced in these facilities.
The first agency I worked for was over and above the worse of the two, by far. The buildings themselves were part of the problem. One thing I remember more than anything that I know affected the emotional/physical health of the kids I worked with was the smells. Imagine waking up, eating breakfast, going about your day, showering, and going to sleep in a place that smells like piss. This isn't a normal, I eat kale and drink 4 gallons of water a day healthy piss. This is piss that's probably been soaked into carpet for too long, coming out of kids on more medications than I can count on both hands.
The furniture in the places I've been in is not what I'd call normal furniture. It was either made out of heavy plastic, or with heavy wooden frames. This was a benefit, most of the time, because if a youth became escalated it meant the furniture was harder to pick up and potentially be tossed at you as a weapon. That said, the sharp wooden edges could become a potential danger if a fight broke out near them and you had to separate two angry teenagers all of a sudden. That heavy furniture could also be used as a barricade to block access to a given room in a "dorm" or "house" as they're often called (many of these places feature several of these large buildings, across a campus with several dorms). I've actually seen this happen once, in large part with the aid of a very poorly trained staff person.
We used radio's that we clipped to our belts to call for assistance if we needed help restraining (they called them "managements" and actually discouraged us from using the word restraint, but that's what it was/is so that's what I'm calling it) an aggressive child. Calls like that were frequent on a given shift, I'd respond to as many as 4-5 a day on average. One day, a call came out to help a dorm who had a youth who was threatening staff. We ran over and while they were dealing with that problem, they had a single staff watching several other of their youth in their living room to keep them separated from current problem. The problem is, this staff was poorly trained and not very psychologically healthy themselves.
This staff upset at least two of the several kids in that room. They decide it would be a good idea to leave the room once they've angered the kids to "de-escalate" the situation. The problem is, besides leaving around four incredibly traumitized youth from broken homes in the same room with no adult supervision, the furniture in that room lines up just perfectly with the only two doors into that room. The door to the outside and the door to the inner hallway line up just so that if you moved the two heavy wooden couch frames and lined them up, you can't open either door. Why? Because the doors open inward, so there's no way anyone except the hulk was getting in that room unless the windows were smashed.
Which they were, after about 30 minutes that felt like forever, the youth decided to start breaking the windows and putting shards of glass into their mouths/trying to hide them on their persons as weapons. The police had been called at this point, who came with tasers drawn to get control over the situation. The on-call supervisor at the time got chewed out by the cops. I understand why the cops were mad, they didn't want to have to come point a taser at a kid that we were supposed to be watching, but she didn't leave the kids alone in the room. She wasn't even the supervisor of that building, just the one charged with dealing with the mess.
I've been kind of just blurting things out for a bit, so I want to stop for a moment to reflect. These kids have been failed by the people who were supposed to love them. In many cases they were abused in some of the worst f**ing ways you could imagine. I've talked to kids who've been locked inside of freezers only to be let out by siblings who didn't want them to die. I've had therapists give me context as to why a child will be *gone for an hour at a time while they scream and cry, because they were kept as a sex slave in some distant part of the world and actually kept inside a literal cage at age 8. Imagine arriving at another agency, foster placement, or otherwise and have another adult fail you. The staff who just left them in the room failed them big time, and created the opportunity for them to experience another traumatic (and potentially fatal) experience (what if they swallowed the glass they tried to hide in their mouths, or if they tried to attack the police?).
This particular staff had a history of failure, which is why I pulled very little with my comments toward them. If you have worked in this field and haven't screwed up, you've either not been working in it for more than an hour or you're some kind of savant. But this staff, like many others that I have tons of stories about, weren't learning from their mistakes. Sometimes their mistakes were accidents, either. Sometimes it was because the staff were as cruel as some of the people who've abused the kids.
One of the dorms I worked in served children with intellectual disabilities. One particular child had an issue with enuresis, where they would urinate on themselves at night and sometimes even during the day. This kid, who was much younger developmentally than their actual age, was a great kid when he wanted to be, and deserved better than what this staff called him - "Tinkle." Yes, you read that right. A staff who is supposed to be a therapeutic support to this child gave them a nickname mocking them for urinating on themselves. The staff also called them "retarded" on a regular basis, too.
For those wondering if I said anything to supervisors and leadership staff about any of this, the answer is yes, yes, and yes. I said it, shouted it, emailed it, wrote it, called it in, and most of the time it didn't mean a damn thing. Turnover in this occupation is incredibly high, so most of the time we didn't even have "warm bodies." We just had bodies, sometimes having those staff was worse than if we would of just been all alone because of how they would interact with the youth.
This is about all I have energy for tonight. I know this was scattershot and all over the place, but at least I've started. If this isn't the appropriate subreddit for this story, please direct me to where it is. I can write more about this if people want, and maybe the more I do it'll be easier to read because I won't write like I'm just thought vomiting on the page. Thank you for whoever bothered to read this and if you're a kid who grew up in an environment like this, I'm sorry this happened to you. You deserved better, and I hope your life is going as well as it can. No matter what choices your parents or the people who were supposed to take care of you made, you aren't their choices. You can always choose to be better. It isn't easy, but it is an option.
I don't have anyone I could call a close friend or anyone to really talk to about my problems, I listen to others and help them out but I don't seem to be getting the same treatment. I feel used really, I want to have connections with people on a personal level but it's just not happening, I'm easy to talk to and I don't have any problems with saying what I think.
and also I suck at school, I'm getting all F's but I just don't seem to have the capability to get my grades up, which causes me emotional stress.
I find myself looking back at myself and feeling a strong urge to end it all but I know what will happen to my family if I go through with it and I feel guilty as fuck and I just don't know what to do anymore, life seems pointless but I'm still living it out for people that hardly know me and don't share that they care for me.