Ok so dating has always been difficult for me, as I still find it hard to get over shyness. I've only been in a relationship for a sum total of 6 months, over 3 gfs (a 3 month, a 2 month, and a 1 month), and lately I have had a 5 year drought of both dating and sex. My past relationships felt very childish, and I did not learn anything from them. Tbh, I ended all of them when they took too much time. I don't regret them but I don't think I grew from them either. Anyway, this is less about that. I have posted and asked a lot about how to get a gf, and I think its like beating a dead horse at the moment. What I find interesting is how differently people talk about dating now.
What gets me is that a lot more people in the 30 - 40 age range have a lot more experience. I am regularly meeting people that have been through divorces, have had kids, have been through deaths, and just a lot more life with other that I've ever experienced. It is terrifying because I feel like it was yesterday that I was trying 'figure things out' and now people are talking about marriage and buying houses together.
People also assume things about me. Like sometimes people will just assume I have a wife or s/o. Or that I really understand what being in a long term relationship is like. Or they think that I will have kids like next year or something. It happens at work, or professional meetings, or in bars when I talk to others (since I go to bars that more established people regular). I am associating with people that have grandkids and it is just weirding me out.
However, I don't feel like I have come anywhere near as far as other 30 year olds. I don't honestly feel like I know more about interpersonal relations than a I did when I was 15. It is giving me this strange dissonance. And indeed a lot of people assume I am in my early 20s because I live a life with a relative lack of responsibility.
I am beginning to wonder if I should just not be open that I am single and have never been in a very serious relationship before. What does that say about me and how I can handle responsibility? Does mean I am weak or untrustworthy? Am I the kind of person that can't commit? I say this because I am starting to think that this is true at least relationship wise, but I don't want it to be seen that way professionally.
I am discovering there are some benefits of being single that I also don't want others to look at me with with jealousy. I don't have any responsibilities, except to myself. I don't need life insurance. I can live in a small apt. I can save a ton of money. And I can change cities and jobs easily. There are a lot of perks that make wanting to live with a serious gf less and less attractive (although there are so many girls I would go serious for in a heartbeat). A alot of people gripe about this all the time. Should I worry about them resenting me?
This is especially true for those with kids. In fact, I completely don't understand why people even want kids. It always seems like they are a drag and force you into doing things. Yet I am finding I am enjoying some of the freedoms of adulthood too much.
Sometimes when I talk to other adults, I still feel like a kid talking to an adult. And I think i need to break this. But I don't know how. As I am taking on increasing responsibilities at work, however, I do think this should be soon. It just seems that your relationship status makes a statement about your values, and I wish that wasn't the case.
However, I could just be imagining things. Has anyone had a similiar experience?
Back in September of 2016, I used to use dating apps casually and had no experience with girls. One day, I got a message from someone who viewed my profile just seconds prior. She lived about an hour away from me. To me, it was nothing special because I always took talking to someone online with a grain of salt. We’ll call her CJ. We started really conversing, joking around and just the usual small talk you start with when you first meet someone and that’s how my story began. We went from talking once or twice a week (with her usually initiating conversation) to almost every day. We had a 50-day snap streak going, as complete strangers. Eventually the conversations turned into the occasional sext. We would talk sexual to each other and talk on the phone for hours. There was a red flag I knew would be compromising to really doing anything with this chick. She had just broken up with her boyfriend of three years (he cheated on her for a long time towards the end of the relationship, ended up dating that girl and cut CJ off cold turkey.) The conversations began getting deeper into her psyche, as she was very sad and basically depressed over this love of hers. She told me all about him, and I didn’t think much of it. After all, she was just a friend.
At one point she asked if I was down for a “Friends with Benefits” relationship and I accepted. She was cute, and I was interested in an experience with a girl for the first time. I wasn’t starving for a relationship, but I sure was lonely. I had few friends who really understood me, and not exactly the best relationship with my single mother. I was a 19-year-old awkward, depressed and lonely guy. We told each other everything and talked all the time for months before meeting. She told me about her previous boyfriends, her family, her first heart break and her deepest secrets and fears. She told me she’s never told anyone as much that I knew. When we met in January of 2017, it was incredibly awkward and while she was a tad older than me and taller than me (I’m a short guy) she was just as cute as I expected her to be in person. We started doing everything together, with her picking me up from my college and going on adventures. On Valentine’s Day 2017, I lost my virginity and made love with her for the first time. We slept in the car all night. I kept all this a secret from my mom, who was very (and still is) controlling at the time. I kept it from some of my friends as well, afraid of judgement.
As time went on, I had this feeling that she liked me but at the same time was still talking/thinking about her ex and where it all went wrong. She never talked to him again, and they did not end well. After I learned how to drive, I used to pick her up from hanging with her friends and drinking and watch her sob and vomit in sadness from the pain in her heart from her last boyfriend. She only had two boyfriends in the past, who both ended up doing her wrong in the end from what it seemed. They both lived three hours away and she did everything for them from what it sounded like. She was damaged, and I was the kid new to the idea of “love” and felt sad for her. I knew this was going to continue to be a “red flag” with whatever we were doing at the time.
You can probably guess what all of this led to. I never felt attached from the sex we were having, but the companionship, her personality and her beauty is what kept me attached and naturally I fell for her hard. I kept it a secret for about a month before her friends got concerned if she was blind to it. There were forewarnings she had mentioned that she wasn’t planning on dating anyone, but part of me felt like maybe I wasn’t excluded. She would get jealous of my other female friends and anyone else I would talk to on dating apps. She would drunk-call me first, always and tell me how much she needed me and yet express her concern that we were getting really attached—something that scared her. In March, I told her the truth and I was devastated. She rejected me cold. She told me I was immature, unconfident and our age difference was too great (she was four years older than me). I felt this pretty hard and had a difficult time getting over the hurt. I acted unbothered for the coming weeks, started talking to girls again but with nothing serious in mind. I kept hooking up with her and began acting colder. I no longer wanted to hear about her ex, and I acted more interested in just having sex with her.
We were still good friends, and she would of course still call me and initiate conversation all the time and I would still take that hour-long drive to visit her. In a lot of ways, I felt like this was a transitional period in my life where I began to mature. I began spending less time with my other friends who were only interested in getting drunk and high, and less time with my often-abusive mother. I got my first EMT job and began taking this girl places I wanted to go instead. Those feelings I had for her still lingered, and she acted the same as always. We would drink together and stay up all night at her house. Her parents always invited me over and always asked what I was doing when I wasn’t there. They of course didn’t know I was having sex with their daughter, but I could tell they really like me versus her previous ex boyfriends. While she was very strict about her “rules” in having a FWB (telling me if I slept with someone else it would end, same went for sexting or “talking”: we’d have to tell each other) I caught her a couple of times sending pictures of her clothed butt to the guy who first broke her heart (her first and only FWB before me) and some dude she met on the same dating app. This led to a couple drunk arguments. I knew I still had feelings for her deep down but was managing it better than I had before. She also caught feelings for one of her coworkers, and when he rejected her she drunk cried one night. She still claims she just wanted to fuck him or rebound him but to me it did not feel like that. She was using apps again like I was and talking to different guys all the time. She swore all of them were just “friends.” I know she didn’t sleep with anyone during our time together, but I never let my suspicions down. She used to get mad about the fact that I wasn't very open about talking to the other girls I had been talking to her. She even cried one time when she swore I had a secret girlfriend. I just kept hooking up/hanging out with her all the time, and it was casual fun again from July to October. Then, change occurred. Her girl best friend, who always said that I was basically her boyfriend to tease CJ told me one day while I was on shift that after they drank together she cried at 3 AM saying how much she liked me and missed me when I wasn’t around and that she’s just scared to date again. This caught me off guard and I felt like I was falling down the same whole I was into all over again. By this time my pent-up feelings weren’t just a crush. I loved her and was afraid to admit it to anyone. Later, I confronted her about it and asked if it was the truth. She said yes and cried all over me in her car while I hugged her. She told me she liked me and after all the time we spent together on these “dates” without the official title she fell for me. She told me she was scared to tell me in fear I would want to escalate the relationship, reminding me the “I’m not ready for a relationship” speech and saying she didn’t want me to wait for her. I continued to hang out with her, and the sex was amazing. She was having me spend holidays with her family, and I grew farther away from my friends and mom. After a couple months of being a bit more affectionate for her, I noticed she installed her dating apps again and was talking to guys again. She told me when she liked me that she had those apps deleted because of her feelings for me. So I asked her why she downloaded them again, and she said that she was just looking for friends again and was trying to push her feelings for me away again. I was over everything at this point. It was February 2nd, of this year where I told her I could no longer be apart of this “relationship.” I told her I was tired of the inconsistency between us both and acting like we don’t like each other when we do “on and off.” I told her this was no longer something I wanted to continue with. She said she was still recovering from her ex after all this time, but didn’t want to mention it to me anymore, knowing I didn’t want to hear it. She said she still wasn’t ready for a relationship, and this was when I proposed an indefinite no-contact period. I took full responsibility for never losing the feelings for her and acting moved on and said most of this was my fault. She cried and begged for me to stay, and I told her this would be the last night she saw me if she didn’t change her mind on this relationship. I told her we were a relationship from the start, just without the title. I told her to never contact me again unless her mind was changed, and I could tell she wasn’t comprehending it. She was in shock I was really leaving. I removed her off all social media (and kept only her number) and left her house. That night she called me drunk sobbing at a club with her friend. She drove to my house and told me it was like losing her ex-boyfriend all over again. She hooked up with me in her car after sobering up, and I told her this was it, once again and we couldn’t keep doing this as "friends." That night she left, and we went no contact for three days.
At 5 AM on the third day, she messaged me asking to talk again. I told her I didn’t want to hear it unless things were different. She told me she wanted to try dating. I asked her out and took her on a date for dinner on Valentine’s Day. She always told me her boyfriends never took her on an actual date—or anybody for that matter and I wanted to be the first. A year from the first time we made love and she barely put her foot in the water. I did feel like she still wasn’t “ready” and I explained to her once again that if she felt it wasn’t going to work out she needed to let me go and move on no contact. She said she never used to be like this, and she liked me but was still afraid of dating. She said finally that she had commitment issues. After our first and only date, on February 18th at 1 AM I told her this was the last time she would see me. I told her no more games, or “trying” to date me. She either wants to be my girlfriend or not. She denied ever rejecting me, just not being ready. I treated it as bullshit. She told me I am not the same man that she "rejected" a year ago. She told me she didn't want to lose me because I know everything about her--more than her previous boyfriends. She told me she wants to come back when she's ready. I told her once again, and final that she should not contact me ever again unless she’s serious. I told her I will not be “just a friend” any longer, and I left her house once again with tears in both of our eyes. The last thing I told her was a text saying “I love you so much, and I’m sorry it had to end this way. I’m hoping you understand or come back, but I won’t count on it.” All she said back was an “I love you too.”
It’s only been roughly two days since I let her go. I feel more depressed and lonely than ever. I told my mom the truth about CJ after completely lying about her existence for an entire year and she’s incredibly mad at me. I got my friends back, and while celebrating a friend’s 21st birthday I was in a hit and run car accident. Work doesn’t feel the same, especially when I visit hospitals and places nearby where she lived. I feel stuck again, and hopeless. I can’t help but listen to all the songs that remind me of her, and cry without leaving it noticeable. I don’t know if she’ll ever come back, but I know deep down this may be for the best. I miss her so much and I want the pain I went through to be gone.
TL;DR I fell in love with the girl who was my first everything. She was damaged, and we were best friends. We were “friends with benefits” but it was much more like a relationship without the title. After a year of constantly getting rejected, and her flip flopping her feelings towards me I told her that we could be no more. I went no contact with her indefinitely, and I don’t know if she’ll ever come back but of course I want her to. Our story makes me think maybe she will be back, but at the same time I’m wondering if that’s even good for me. I am still in love with her and I'm really hoping I made the right decision. (I hope you read the entire story to fully understand)
So I’ve been talking with this girl for a couple weeks now, but only on our bus ride home, because that’s the only time I’ve ever really seen her. Before this, we had a sorta weird relationship where we’d say “I love you bye” every time we saw each other and she called me her husband. Then she’d call me cute occasionally, yada yada. I always took this as, like, friendly jokes. (Side note, I’m really quiet, not too good at talking with people, and she’s like the complete opposite. All this kinda made me uncomfortable, but it was fun.)
Then a couple of weeks ago the whole I love you thing and husband thing kinda dropped, and we would actually talk and laugh. Come the beginning of last week and she’s acting super flirty and keeps bringing up valentines. She makes me give her my number on the day before valentines and texts me some suggestions on things to get her. She texts me that night as I was at the Krispy Kreme getting her something, and she starts gushing. We text and meet up the next morning and I give them to her, we hug and then start texting some more. She basically says thank you a lot, with a lot of heart emojis. We didn’t really text after that and she wasn’t on the bus, then she sends me a message that night saying thank you again, sorry that I wasn’t on the bus, I was at therapy, and that I’m “da bestest ever” It was like 10 when she sent it and I was already asleep because I had to wake up at 5 the next morning. So I send her a message when I woke up and basically said “sorry I didn’t get your message, went to sleep early. That’s ok you weren’t on the bus, hope everything is ok (I hear therapy and automatically thought bad, so that’s why I said it. Looking back on it now, it feels a little weird.) I’ll see you later.” I got no response so I didn’t send any more messages. She was on the bus that afternoon and we basically smiled, said hi, then looked in opposite directions (we sit in the seat next to each other.) Her friend got on, and they started talking about how she wanted to talk with this boy and how he was cute. This really hurt and confused me because of all that had happened yesterday. When I got off, she looked over and said bye softly. Didn’t text her at all that night because I didn’t know what to say. Next day I texted her at 10ish asking if she was gonna be on the bus later (she asked me to make and insta, so I broke down and made one the night before. Bus was less awkward but we still only talked a little about me making an insta. Her friend gets on and they both add me and then they start talking so I butt out. She totally avoided eye contact through all of this though.
Sat comes and I don’t text her at all. I literally spent the entire day thinking about her and what I should say, but nothing came from it. Sunday comes and I say “hey!” at 11ish and I got no response. Today I did the same thing as sat. I just don’t know what to do. So it’s basically been 3-4 days since I’ve actually talked to her. I really like her, but honestly don’t know if she feels the same way. I want to ask her out to lunch or something so we can get to know each other better, but I just don’t know what to say. I’m so tempted to message her friend on insta and ask her for help, but I feel like that’s weird. What should I do?
We’re on winter break this week so I won’t see her at all if I don’t figure something out.
Also I took way too long to reply to most of the messages, because I was wayyyyy overthinking things.
I went to college at a school less than an hour from home, graduated a couple years ago. I was in town for a service event and decided to stop by campus for a while, walk around, get a cup of coffee. I’m sitting at a bar by the window reading and working my way to the bottom of a venti pikes place and these three girls sit down at a table at about 8’clock to the position I’m in. I think nothing of it, but one of the girl’s voice really carries, not in a bad way, but eavesdropping was inevitable. I eventually figure out that she’s interviewing with the other two girls for a sorority. I find out pretty quick we share a hometown, now she’s got my attention. She talks about how close she is with her family, her two brothers, and how she stayed around home because she grew up around all her cousins and wanted to hold on to that (me to). I find out that she started school as an engineering major (I was electrical) but had second thoughts and is exploring some other options but just wished for some kind of divine intervention to point her in the right direction and man do I know how that feels. I was determined to go talk to this girl at this point. When she finished with the other two girls, she hilariously says, “wow, this felt like speed dating.” And I think, I know right! At this point I’m gathering all my trash and stuff so I can go talk to her but I turn around and SHE’S HALF WAY TO THE DOOR. (maybe she didn’t think the interview went as well as I did :( ) I throw my trash away, hold the door for the other two girls because I didn’t want to be a jerk, then walk briskly through the parking lot trying to catch her. I get to the sidewalk and see her just a little in front of me, but she’s talking on her phone. (Ahhhhh!) I’m not just going to run up and interrupt her, that would be pretty rude. I also realize I probably seem like a creep if she even realizes I’m following, so I jwalk to the other side of the road to give her some space and try to figure out what I do from here. The intersection to campus is a little in front, she gets there and waits to cross. She’s still on the phone so I don’t wait on the other side, I walk towards campus and slow down a bit. I debate whether to stop and try to get her attention but she’s still on the phone. I decide that’s maybe just a little too emboldened, not only makes her uncomfortable but the person she’s on the phone with too, and it seems kinda rude – so I stop off at the library on the right so I don’t make her uncomfortable waiting ahead. End story…. I was bummed I didn’t get to talk to her, although I did have a bit of pride that I was ready and willing to approach, the few times I’ve done that in the past I was really nervous, this was different. The fact is that I don’t get opportunities like this often though, so I try to learn what I can from the opportunities I do get. If I could have caught her name, I could have called her before she left and acted like I knew her, but I wasn’t really paying attention for the introductions. Maybe I should have left my trash and ran passed the door, but she still may have been on the phone by the time I caught her and I left a bunch of trash behind. Maybe I should have kept following or interrupted her call, but that is kinda creepy. Maybe I took it too far following her as long as I did. And maybe sometimes fate just isn’t on your side. I do listen to some self help podcasts and they talk about things like commanding the room. That’s not really an option when you’re already seated on an outside wall when someone walks in, but I wonder if I could have turned around and gave her a smile or something like that, something to express just enough interest to get her to linger. Unfortunately that’s something I’ve only ever pulled off by accident (doh!). Maybe destiny just wasn’t on my side that day. I can’t help but feel this had all the makings of a perfect opportunity though, and wonder if there was anything I could do differently. And in general I wonder if there aren’t some skills missing from my social toolbox. You get the impression approach opportunities aren’t rare for everyone, but they are for me. My location and career play parts in that, but maybe I often wonder if there are some unspoken cues of interest I’m just not giving. Like I said, I’ve had a smile reciprocated before, even with a women that I would classify as way out of my league, but I was really just trying to be polite. She caught me staring and made eye contact, and it seemed more friendly than just breaking eye contact. My gut is to break eye contact.
Sorry for the rambling but I just need to get it out of my system.
It’ll be 10 years in April since we first met.
I met him was I was a teenager at college and felt truly connected to him. (Plus the sex was awesome which helped)
We had relationships with other people and lived in different cities. We went years without talking. We had a big fight when I found out he was dating a girl that was a roommate in college when he wanted me to come visit him. He’s flown me in for a day because he missed me. I’ve met his dad. I went to his best friends going away party with him. We simply always seemed to find each other.
Eventually I moved to his city. I had a boyfriend and he was dating someone else too.
BUT after all of this he didn’t care to know my birthday. Or my middle name. He didn’t ask me questions to learn about my life or me, really.
We never really did anything besides be at his place Netflix and chilling.
I always visited him but he never came to see me. I was stupid enough to put up with this.
When my bf broke up with me last year, I went back to him for comfort and we smashed before he became nasty. I trusted him because of all the time we had spent with each other but I felt like he had been negging me all along. I blocked him that night when I walked out the door.
3 weeks later I moved back home to go back to school. And he emailed me to unblock him and talk.
I listened to him and accepted his apology with the idea in mind that if he didn’t change in the coming months I was going to block him for good.
I loved him truly and I knew I did for a long time. It’s strange to meet someone that makes you laugh and think and feel the way he made me. But he also made me feel so sad and lonely too. I felt neglected when I’d try to talk to him and he wouldn’t call me or text me back. I felt the most hurt when I wanted more and he refused to even talk to me when I’d finally summon the courage.
I’m not a shy person but obviously I hate rejection. He made me feel rejected regularly.
It took me until a few months ago to block him again for good.
I miss him and I want him, but he feels like an unhealthy addiction.
It hurts that I can’t have him in my life at all, but I can’t trust him now to even be a friend. He never was to me. He never tried to get to know me. It’s difficult to admit but I had to face the truth.
Please take it from me and don’t open your heart to someone who has bought you plane tickets and still doesn’t know your middle name.
Someone who tells you that he needs to see you but refuses to come to you.
I think I’ll continue to miss him and love him for the rest of my life. I’m 29 now and I was 19 when I met him. He will always be part of such a huge chunk of my life.
The best thing he ever did to me was to treat me like crap.
Because of it, I learned to say no and to date better for what I want. To take relationships seriously and to judge better who the good ones are.
I miss him all the time but I don’t think I’ll ever see him again. It makes me sad to think about but I can’t do it anymore.
Literally my entire life has been girls seeing me as some cute thing that leaves them in aww.
In middle school it was fine, I actually liked it. In high school it got a little weird. I took a speech class and I remember once saying something that left a lot of girls in my class awwing at me for whatever reason.
College was a blur and now I have a decent job. Recently however I found myself again in one of those situations. I actually forgot about this situation until it happened at work.
I had my normal work to do but a coworker asked me to feed her pet. I thought it was odd, but fed her pet anyway since it didn't really require any effort. She wasn't working so it was just me and her pet.
When I went back to work when she was scheduled at the same time as me she asked if I fed her pet. I said I did and again in a room full of girls, I'm left with them awwing at me.
Here's my thing. I'm in my mid 20s and I don't know what to do in this situation. I'm in a room full of girls that aww at me like some fucking bunny, but I'm a grown man. WTF am I supposed to do here?
Okay, so the title pretty much explains it. I am a male, will be turning 22 next week and have never had a girlfriend. I am feeling extremely depressed and hopeless. I can be socially awkward, and this is why this may be happening. I am also a little overweight(have really been working on this over the past half year though). I am a junior in college and am an engineering major. I still have another 4 semesters and am fearing that nothing will ever happen as nothing has ever happened so far. If anyone could give any advice I would greatly appreciate it!
So I’ve been talking with this girl for the past few months and I plan to ask her out some time before school ends. Thing is, I want to stay away from the friendzone. How do I do that?
Also, how can I flirt without coming off as creepy or weird? She’s a shy and reserve girl (who smiles and stuff whenever I talk to her) and doesn’t talk to a lot of people. So how do I show that I’m interested in her and what ways can I flirt with her?