3 times a week for 6 hours a day a nanny I really trust cares for my son. I think this might sound strange to be a stay at home mom and still pay for childcare. I am lucky to be able to afford it on my husband's income now. We cut out so much of our budget for it. Because I burned out. I was the moodiest sleep deprived angriest version of myself at the time we started interviewing. My son was 1 then.
But as a sahm I see her almost as a substitute for me when I am not there and I had some form of a jealous feeling that I imagine maybe non sahp feel. It's starting to go away because now I'm a much more rested and patient parent than I was and for that I think gratitude has come instead.
Have you burned out and what did you do next? How do you feel about the value of nannies as a sahp?
I've been a SAHM for a little less than a year, and while I have been trying really hard to make some SAHM friends, I'm currently failing overall. I have tried joining a "stay at home mom's group" but was told they were full for my age kid. I've also joined the neighborhood mom's group, but literally all they do is drink to excess and complain about their husbands. I don't drink, and I like my spouse, so shrug. We also go to the playground a lot, but I'm the only non-spanish-speaking mom there, so while the other moms are nice enough, they speak in Spanish to each other. Any tips?
My name is Courtney Hagen Ford, and I am a PhD student at Royal Holloway University of London. I am studying how parents use technology to keep track of their kids and teens.
If you are a parent with at least one child aged 9-12 (if they are slightly above or below this age rang that's ok, but must be between 5 and 16) that uses any form of technology to keep an eye on your kids, I would love to talk to you and your family. Initially I am looking to speak to UK-based parents, but may consider speaking to parents in other countries later in the study.
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I am using a new throwaway because of things blowing up at home.
My wife is a stay at home mom that is also a Navy Reservist. Her duties only come one weekend( sometimes 4 days) a month and 2 weeks during the Summer.
We have 2 little girls, a 3 year old and a 6 month old.
My father in law lives with us and we have 2 dogs.
I work 40+ hours and am often on call and take calls while "off"
Help me understand. I don't know what's going on. After our first was born, my wife took her full maternity leave and I took one month off. We both returned to work and our first went into daycare. I picked her up after work and got dinner going as we waited for mom to come home. We ended up moving to another state as my job transferred me and since there was a large pay increase in it for me, we decided she would become a stay at home because of the income vs daycare cost. There was also the plan of my wife returning to school. Things seemed like they were getting so much better for us. When we first discussed the idea of a stay at home parent, we agreed that that parent would also be responsible for the bulk of housework.
Fast forward to today. My FIL moved in with us and this is what FIL and I currently do to help:
FIL works full time. Does the dishes and cleans the kitchen. Does the yard work. Takes out trash. Walks the dogs. Does his own laundry. Watches the toddler if she wakes up before we go to work.
I watch the toddler of she is awake before I go to work and FIL is not home. Take both kids off of my wife's hands to give her a break after I get home. Usually try and figure out dinner after FIL gets home and he or I usually cook. I do my own laundry. Put toddler to bed at night. Put infant to bed if she won't go to sleep easily. Other things that need doing at wife's request. Grocery and other shopping on the weekends. I try and cook better meals on weekends since I have more time. I also pay the majority of bills.
On weekends, my FIL is up early anyway so watches the kids. I sleep in a bit, maybe an hour longer than normal, and help watch kids if FIL has things to do or we both do. Wife sleeps in to 10 or 11, usually with me waking her so she doesn't sleep too late.
Wife wakes up when infant wakes up. Sleeping in as late as possible if toddler is asleep or content in highchair watching TV. Breastfeeds throughout day and night. Does laundry when absolutely necessary.
Currently, our house is a disaster. Piles of clothes everywhere. Wife constantly digging through baskets of clean clothes to find things to wear. Occasionally she will pick up an area a bit but still disaster area. Cleanest areas are the family room if one of us (me or FIL usually) make the toddler pick up her toys, and the kitchen.
My wife claims that the kids take up all of her time. It's so much work that she can't do much else.
Is it unreasonable for me to expect the house picked up and dinner started?
Thank you everyone for sharing and giving me great advice.
I spoke to my wife and asked a lot of questions, told her what I wanted us to do (part time daycare, maybe a maid, getting time to ourselves, and therapy. She broke down into tears. Almost everything you've all said is happening to her, and me, and we haven't been communicating well. She didn't tell me how bad it was because she didn't want to be needy because I work so much.
It also turns out she is still dealing with PPD and is currently weening off of one med before she starts a new one. I didn't know. She gets all clinical when she talks about her meds. She tends to just name them all like she's reading a list of groceries like I know what she's talking about (medics!) She's going to work on giving me more detail and I'm going to ask more questions.
She was also extremely happy and cried again when I told her that I'm going to seek therapy. She's wanted me to go for a long time and saw the stress chipping away at me and me just swallowing it down. She thinks I still haven't fully recovered from PTSD from my time in the Army, but hadn't pushed because of my past issues with VA psych workers. I'm going to do whatever I have to and keep an open mind.
Thank you all again for sharing. We both feel like so much weight had been lifted off of us and things are already better.