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I know the basic reasons for hovering is that the narc wants to keep you on their mind. It’s a way to keep you close. Maybe as a back-up plan for their own needs.

But what are the more specific, individualized reasons to Hoover? Based on your experiences, have their personal motives for hovering shown up, and if so, what were/are they?

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Things were going to well, felony charges had been brought against my nex, I won in civil court, he was leaving me alone. On the 15th the judge dismissed his criminal case.

He immediately started messaging my friends. Telling them I had STDs calling my friends names etc. He managed to get my Facebook page taken down. I had to send them a photo ID.

The victim advocate told me to file a police report and the police were so rude to me but I did get it filed.

I’m just feeling like I took a million steps backwards and now he is harassing me. I just am at the end of my rope.

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We moved to different states for work. He (31) actually broke up with me (27) a year ago but has taken to playing a back forth I love you, I hate you game. He has even told me before that he is aware that he keeps me in purgatory.

I’ve been telling him that I want to be in a relationship with him and he always dodges that conversation but wants me to behave like his girlfriend. I flew up to see him last month even though he won’t make plans to see me citing finances but I’ve been asking this for the past 5 months.

I’m expected to answer the phone whenever he calls, coax his ego, listen to him, send pictures, engage in virtual sex, keep him updated on my whereabouts, say good night and good morning etc. If I don’t, I get the silent treatment.

Yesterday, the talk came up again after he was annoyed that I didn’t respond to his text to “play” (phone/FaceTime sex) and sent a passive aggressive text about how I expect him to make me his girlfriend when he “can’t even get my non girlfriend to respond to my play text.”

I was frustrated because yesterday was the anniversary of my aunt’s suicide so I had much less patience for his nitpicking today.

I told him that I’m not his girlfriend so why would I do all of these things? He went on about how he wanted us to “date” first before me being his girlfriend again. Mind you, we have been together for 3 years, on and off for the last year.

The worst part is, I don’t even mind dating I just wanted to know what that meant. In the past I actually suggested have set date nights but I wanted to know what that looked like for him? What could we commit to? What does that look like long distance? What are the expectations? Where was the specificity? If I’m supposed to do all the things I would do as a girlfriend but I’m not your girlfriend what does that mean and why is it okay?

Again, he dodged the questions and tried to say I was being unfair to him and he wasn’t going to beg for me. By asking those questions, he actually said that I was gaslighting him

I told him that it might be best for him to take some time to figure out what he wanted because I wanted him to be happy.

I told him that I needed someone who was in this 100% with me because I could no longer live in this purgatory, and that I hoped I’d still be around once he figured out what he wanted but I needed more than what he was able to give right now.

He told me he knew he had been unfair to me in the past, holding things over my head, shutting down etc.

Ive heard all of this before, so I told him that I learned the hard way that just being aware of the darkness, doesn’t make someone the hero.

I just wanted him to take whatever time he needed to figure out what he wants.

He then went on about knowing what he wants and how I’m always thinking I know what he wants, how I wasn’t even comprehending what he was saying.

I again told him that I needed 100% or to just please leave me alone he then proceeded to call me psychotic.

I don’t know if it was the combination of the anniversary or just straight up frustration but that was the final straw for me.

I’m not psychotic because I don’t want to live in purgatory. I’m tired. I’m so incredibly tired. I feel as though he is trying to run the clock of my 20s out because he hates being 30+.

I’m tired of feeling like I am the crazy one because I want someone to stop their hot and cold bs, their mood swings or their silent treatments.

I’m tired of being the one who goes to therapy to be better than I was the day before and having him trash my efforts while making none of his own.

Im tired of shit happening at work for him and him taking it out on me. I’m tired of this weird cycle of “proving myself”.

I’m tired of always asking what’s wrong, what’s wrong, what’s wrong. It’s so incredibly chaotic. I never know what I’m walking into.

I’m not psychotic, I’m fucking exhausted.

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So, my MW "suggested" having friends over tomorrow. Only that these would be her friends. I asked if I can bring a couple that is friends of mine, that actually has a kid my son's age to hang out with. She basically gave me the silent treatment. No reply. Continued to plan her soiree.

Sounds familiar?

Sorry I am sharing all this, but I am still in DISBELIEF how well she fits the narcissist mold! Holy crap!

Thanks for all the help. On DEFCON 2 and plans are being laid out.

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Reddit - Narcissistic Abuse by /u/lookingforautumn - 2h ago

I never physically met my nex, despite everything between us over the last few years. And I have been mentally and physically fucked up regardless.

All his exes and his current partner live close by/with him.

Is it possible that I am the only one he treated this badly? I have a feeling he may have had a double life over there. God knows who or what he was doing.

It would have been so easy. No way he could get away with those things if people knew he was with someone, if they were seeing him day to day. if other people knew. It was like I didn’t exist.

I dread to think how many secrets he had, how much was really going on. Thinking about it hurts.

Yes he emotionally manipulated, lied, gaslit, cheated. And that’s what I know of.

Is it possible I was the only one? That they were/are treated much better? Bearing in mind that I WAS the only one who was kept entirely online and nobody knew about me.

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Reddit - Narcissistic Abuse by /u/mistressalexis - 3h ago

Just saw that a friend of my ex tagged him in a post about dealing with narc partners..... soooo he has been playing me as a narcissist. I have worked hard to make sure that I am not behaving in these ways and I have done a lot of soul searching to make sure I am not the root problem. That being said, we do learn shitty coping skills in these relationships and can get tangled up in what's right.

Has anyone else been in a situation where narcissism is turned back on you? It was shocking to see the tag and to think about what things he must be saying.

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Reddit - Narcissistic Abuse by /u/deadgirl1888 - 3h ago

I'm so tired of being hypervigilent and feeling like I can't trust anyone. It really started getting bad when I started seeing someone. Even though he is respectful and easy going I still constantly interrogate him whether I'm triggered or not. He's been a good sport but if someone did that to me I wouldn't like it much. I wish we could just have fun but I obsess about stupid shit. Any little thing that reminds me of my ex makes me want to run away. I smoke so much weed just to keep from having panic attacks and to kind of escape.

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I’ll spare you the long history of us, but essentially the short version is we had a relationship for around half a year, he got back with his ex (or she never really was an ex) and I escaped.

I moved on to someone else after a while, but before I did, the following happened. He began the smear campaign behind my back, but to my face he was still charming. He triangulated other girls in front of me. He stopped replying to text messages (used to be hundreds/day). He posted online how happy he was with his now girlfriend.

I went nuts and couldn’t figure out why. I moved onto a new relationship and he became even worse. The smear campaign round one was horrific for me. I managed to be no contact for six months, when one day he saw me and started telling me all about his life. Hoovering. Before that, he was stalking my social media and asked me why I never posted (?????)

I escaped again and he started his smear campaign and triangulation, even worse this time. Then he got quiet and I hadn’t heard from him until he went after and manipulated one of my friends to give him information, because he wasn’t getting any from me. I grey rocked my ex when I had to see him.

I went VLC with this friend, and now my N ex has moved in on another close friend, who I never dreamed this would happen to. My N ex knew I was close friends with this person, but this person knows my trauma—and yet fell right into the N’s trap! Now they’re bffs!

I’m very concerned. Another friend thinks my N is obsessed with me and getting back to me, or at least getting information from these friends. I’ve shut down everyone until I can figure out who to trust. His smear campaign never worked because I didn’t react to it.

I am starting to feel trapped and alone. I thought I was strong enough and I thought he would give up and move on, and yet he is STILL obsessed. What else can I do? Advice? Ideas as to why he’s doing this?

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Reddit - Narcissistic Abuse by /u/throwawa98765432109 - 3h ago

I am 21m. My friend from high school (23f) is getting divorced and has come back into my life. My sister thinks she is trying to use me and might be a narcissist. I am asking to appease her more than anything. I think my friend's husband is the abusive one.

A big part of what my friend thinks is wrong has to do with sex. We slept together on our first date that wasn't supposed to be a date. This woman woke me up sexually in 8th grade when she would tell me the details of her sex life. I wanted it all so bad. It's like a dream to have it now. She was always my fantasy. I wanted to save her from the guys who bullied her into doing stuff she didn't want and now I can. Technically we are dating but can't call it that until the divorce or she is pretty sure she won't get custody. I don't want her son staying with her husband.

My sister also doesn't like that the old friend and her son will probably be moving in with me as soon as she can safely move out of her husband's house. He is a jerk and I want to get them out so bad. Her son is amazing and so much like he could be mine. We are both really into My Hero and we have been playing Terraria together so I am not a complete stranger. It is all fast but she says her husband treats her like a child except when he wants to have sex with her.

I will give my sister that my friend is picky. She likes things done her way. She had to defend it all to her husband. Mostly she had to give in and do stuff his way so she is defensive of how she wants it done. I figure my house is at least cleaner because of it all. She has also cleaned a lot of things out so her son won't get into the stuff and to make room for him. I let her because it seemed like she knew what he needed more than I do.

Can anyone make my sister feel better about this?

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I know all men are not narcissistic pricks but am I the only one that can not differentiate a good man from an N right now? Therefore every word coming out of the mouths of men right now is suspect.

(*Recently separated after 33 years of marriage with an N and life is already feeling worth living again. Time will heal all or at least some wounds.)

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