I’m 110% sure I want to get divorced, but ever since my STBXH put the idea of counseling and reconciliation forward my scumbag brain keeps making me dream about us reconciling.
I know I don’t want that. I know he would make me pay for leaving for the rest of my life. Just seeing how happy my son has been being in a place where there’s no fighting and yelling and slamming things and I’m able to be totally present with him has been worth all of the headache and sadness. I just wish my brain wasn’t such a douche.
We have been rocky for a few years. But when it really comes down to it, I just can't do it. I bring in 80%. She brings in 20%. But not regularly. She doesn't want to hold down a job. A couple years, then she takes a break. And at that point it can be 6-8 months and the next job may pay more or less.
All the assets we have were acquired during the marriage, going on 20+ years now. House, cars, retirement accounts, etc.
The youngest kid is still in middle school.
So my question is this. How do so the finance things break down? I know I could go to a lawyer, but want to get a sense. Maybe having some idea about it will make it easier for me to move to the next step.
In Massachusetts if that makes a difference. And being that I am getting up to 50, that's just another reason for the reluctance to move forward. Who am I gonna meet at this age, kinda thoughts.
I (33F) am legally separated, have been since last summer, with STBXH moved out in the fall. I live in a state where you must live in physically separate residences before you can file an uncontested divorce, so I have a few more months to go before I can start paperwork.
As such, I am still legally married at moment, and it’s hard not to think about my anniversary today. I knew were we were getting separated last year on this same date (2018), but he lived with me still. I thought he might try to do something nice so I had a gift and a reservation made. But he was deep in the silent treatment that day, so it was spent alone, just with him in same house. I should have known better and I probably should have not gotten my hopes up. Since even when we were truly married, that hadn’t happened since the 1st/2nd year anniversary. Anyway, I have been dreading this day again this year.
It hurts really bad when you try to remember them, do something really thoughtful, get them something nice, and plan ahead as if it’s an ‘exciting day, but they are late for dinner you had to book / cook because they race to the mall last minute and grab any old thing because they ‘forgot’ as usual. It never helped because my two equal love languages are quality time and thoughtful gift giving. This day just stings. The one good thing though is at least I am not getting screamed at. So there is that plus.
My relationship sadly ended up being a psychologically / emotionally abusive one with someone who turned out to have a personality disorder, severe depression combined with addiction that was masked. He became completely emotionally unavailable to me and projected the hatred for his awful family all on me. All the sad usual ‘textbook’ cycle of abuse / disorders behavior stuff I guess.
I live 500 miles from my parents (and they are in a different country right now on vacation so I can’t call them). Because I was isolated in my marriage (no children), I don’t have any friends where I live. I have tried so many activities to make friends since the fall last year and have not been very successful. It’s more like ‘people to do an event with and never see again’ it seems. I get it. People already have friend groups or other commitments. Time is limited. It just feels like rejection. And when you are truly alone, it just takes a mental toll on you.
So, I am completely alone today. I tried to invite some people out I have met, but all backed out last minute. So I decided to go out and try to make most of day / be positive / take my mind off the date. I had joined a modern ‘young crowd’ country club that was supposed to be heavily 35 and under and have social events. But after joining, I see now that it’s mostly ‘couples’. I came to the pool because it is so hot and to relax and forget. Thinking weekends are social and maybe meet some people. It’s all couples today. It is making me more depressed. Blah. 😒
Anyway, the depression and loneliness is taking a toll. The rejection from my attempts to make friends is taking a toll. I don’t know or need any specific advice or anything, but just wanted to share to feel ‘less alone’ like I had someone to talk to. Thank you if you read this far.
So, we are returning from vacation with our 2 kids. Tomorrow, we have an appointment with the marriage counselor, and I am nervous. STBX behaved himself better on this vacation than he has in years. Before we left, I told him I wanted a divorce. I think he thought if he behaved on vacation, I would change my mind...I haven't. Tomorrow I plan on telling him again with the counselor present.
I (38M) am planning to marry my fiancé by the end of summer. HCBF and I have met a handful of times in 4 years and are civil. My soon to be SS is 5 and has always known me and BM to be a singular unit and in his mind we are married. Any advice on approaching this topic? Short and to the point?
My husband (28m) and I (24 f) have been married for 5, almost 6 years. We got married really young, and kind of just jumped into it without getting to know one another. At the time he was very religious and felt that he had to be married, I was head over heels in love. He was my first true love. I had a daughter before we got together and he treated her as his own. We were about to start the process to get her adopted by him, as her biological father has never been in the picture. Things were kind of rocky from the beginning. We have totally different communication styles. I tend to shut down, absorb information, then I will talk to you. I have always believed that you should not talk/argue in anger because that is when you say things you don't mean. He is the opposite. He needs to talk about everything right then and there and will stay in my face until we talk it out, or I am in tears. I have asked him for space when we have an argument, and over the years he has gotten better at it, but he at times will still antagonize me. 2 years into our marriage we had another child. With the oldest, he did everything. He loves being a father, and it showed. With our second, he had a different job, so it was more like, this is your baby, I'm busy and tired from work. He wanted another child because we have two girls and he wants a boy. I said no because after the second I felt so alone in taking care of her. But I loved being pregnant, so I looked into surrogacy. I am currently pregnant with a surrogate baby, so I know that we cannot divorce while I am pregnant. I've also been a stay at home mom since we've been married because he wanted me to be, and daycare is absolutely ridiculous in price. This week the girls are at my mother in laws house for the summer. I'm going to do my best to find a job while they're gone, but I know it'll be hard when I have a 5 year gap on my resume. I'm just so lonely and tired and feel like I'm broken. I know I'm not perfect. I know I contributed to the breakdown of this marriage. But I also know both of us need more than the other is willing to give.
I already know that our marriage is coming to an end, it's a feeling and I just know. I am a 30/f and he is a 26/m. We have been together 7 years, married 3. He is currently the only signer on the mortgage of the home we are both in because I am disabled and because I had no job – they did not want me on the loan. I am on medicaid and not totally dependent on him, but I am not totally independent either.
I am hoping to go through the process on our own and I am hoping that it will be a no fault, considering we are likely going to be filing due to irreconcilable differences. We do not have children and do not really have any major assets or shared debts – we have some medical bills, but that is all of the debt we currently have.
Basic reasons for the divorce now (I'm following the suggested information format if it isn't obvious): he likes to completely ignore me and then blame that on me, then pick fights with me and blame my being bipolar on the fight. I know when I say something out of line and I can recognize when my behavior becomes erratic, I am self-aware enough to know when I have my “moments.” Ever since I began counseling when I nearly had a breakdown last December, he has been preying on my mental illnesses and tries to say that counseling is not helping me (which it is) and tries to say that it is doing nothing but causing us issues. Had I never gone to counseling, I would have been hospitalized or worse. His words and actions have slowly gotten worse and worse over time, and he has begun making remarks that prey on specific issues he knows I have, such as PTSD (related to sexual trauma).
As for the remarks he makes preying on the PTSD – he likes to say that I am overexagerrating the effects that it has on me, and that I'm not experiencing certain things when I am. He likes to hover over me – which triggers an episode, though I have repeatedly asked him not to. As for my other issue, I have bipolar.... which he likes to blame for any kind of emotional upset I might have. If I'm sad or upset about something, he says I'm having an episode. Unless I'm happy and fine, I'm “having an episode.”
Some lesser issues I've had were his ignoring me completely unless it's convenient to him and he won't change anything unless someone else calls him out on it – such as the pastor of our church and he'll change his actions for about a week and then it goes right back to how it was before.
I suppose the TL;DR of all that is that this is emotional abuse and mental abuse in my opinion, and perhaps it's not to some. I've been suffering this for seven years and it goes through waves. He'll change for a day, a week, a month, then it goes right back to the way it was before.
Emotionally.... I'm a wreck. I don't know how to feel. I'm going through this boomerang stage of “I'm confident enough to walk away” to “should I really do this or give him another chance to change?” I'm giving myself until the first to make my final decision, which is only to wait until my SSI check comes in so that I have some money to move out on. I know in my state that there is a 90 day requirement of separation before we can even file a divorce if we are filing a no fault (which I'm keen on, I don't really want to make this a long and drawn out process).
I suppose what I'm here for is a little advice on what to expect, where I'm going, maybe if I'm doing the right thing or the wrong thing. I don't know. I'm just here because I need to be. I need to talk and I found the subreddit while browsing on my main account and had to make a separate one to keep it private. I don't want anything from my husband but my maiden name back and I just want to part on the most friendly terms we can. I know this is going to hurt us both, I know this is going to be painful and I know it is going to be a while before either of us heal. I'm just tired. I'm tired and I want to be free of this steady pain I've been in for such a long time.
In the first week of May, my wife left me after an argument and getting pressured by her family that I was the bad guy. Its just been so hard since then re-adjusting. I spent the last three years of my life dedicated to her, helping her, basically doing everything for her with so little appreciation or recognition of what I was doing. I would think about her every day and Everytime I was happy or excited about something I would go and share it with her. Dumb, I know, kinda like a dog that brings everything they are excited about to you to show off. And even today, it's just so hard to be happy about something and be happy about it, just for me. I'm so used to sharing that happiness with someone. It feels good to be doing things for me... But god it felt so good to share it all with someone else too. I just, sometimes I just need someone to share that happiness with. Parents are great, but not the same. Some friends will do, but not all of them understand your happiness to the same level as she did. I just... I hate it. I want that best friend. I don't want her back because I dont want to be her care giver anymore... But god I just want the good times back... I just want to be happy, and feel good about being happy. I hate that I'm 27 and divorced already..
It is amazing. Going through a divorce I never wanted, being the one to actually do the filling and coming to terms with the fact my family is gone. Recently for a reason I cannot explain, I have been experiencing moments where I feel that somehow I could convince my soon-to-be exwife that we could make things works. Nothing fancy, no tricks, no games, just sit down and talk.
We spoke yesterday for a bit regarding our kids and moving forward and during a good chunk of the conversation, she failed to listen to what I was saying. Did her usual ‘reword’ what I was saying and tried to turn it against me. Tried to get angry over something I never said and was literally the opposite of what I said. It’s moments like those that keep me going through with the divorce knowing that she isn’t strong enough to be my wife and I could not continue living with someone who does that.
I’m really struggling with it, it’s been 3 years now after a 5 year marriage (and 5 years together before that) and I just don’t seem to be able to move forward.
I lost everything, we were given a chunk of (my) inheritance money when we got married which put us in our first house, we had two decent cars, when we divorced, all that was sold and it was back to square one.
So now, three years on, I live in a small flat on my own, I’ve got a £1500 car, my wages literally just cover my bills so I can’t afford a holiday and I can’t see any light even though everyone told me it’d be better by now.