I made a post a couple months back about my parents getting a divorce and what I should do about it and now that the final court date is on April 9th I need to make a decision fast and I don't know what my best bet is here. There's a bit of backstory I need to tell for it all to make sense though.
I have two brothers, one who is 14 and emotionally sensitive and another who is 17 and has autism. My mom is a drinker and smoker as well.
Now I have to make a decision on where I want to live with my brothers and family but there's a few scary parts about it. 1: my brother with autism can't live or function anywhere other then the house we live in now. On vacations if we stay over a week he panics and gets worried and misses home. 2: let's say I choose to live with my mom, she keeps 60% of what my dad makes and he keeps 40% of what he makes, and where we live and how much we make wouldn't be possible to live off of that 40%. So if I decided to live with my mom, my dad would most likely go homeless-ish (I don't want to nor like to jump to conclusions). If I chose to live with my Dad I'd be afraid that my mom would resort to drinking and smoking more to deal with it and she'd be left depressed and in a bad bad place. I also know that I can say that I don't want them to divorce and that I want my mom to go to rehab and both of them to go to counseling (my dad said that if she stopped he wouldn't really have to big a problem).
Now before I say anything else I want to say that whatever makes my brothers and parents happy, would make me happy. I'm not gonna sit here and tell myself that love is forever because I KNOW that it's not, and if my parents aren't happy together then so be it, such is life. But for the sake of my brothers and my familys well being I think that preventing the divorce is the best option for them. I really need some advice here from people who've gone through something similar because I'm lost.
Just found out via my kid that the ex has a boyfriend. This makes my decision to finally leave that much easier, but makes the situation harder. Any of you with experience here, how should I confront her so that the games stop? Just want to talk to my kids and not her until the day we sign the divorce paperwork.
My ex is moving out tomorrow. I thought I had gotten over her enough that it wouldn't bother me to much but I was wrong. Even after all of the mind games, the emotional cheating, and my realization of the person she has become being self destructing it's not any easier. I suspect the silence of my home next week will be deafening. Why is it so easy for someone to just walk away after 19 years? I'm sure I'll never understand.
First time posting, feeling like a lost soul and have run out of in-person friends to have face-to-face talks about topics like this. I'm 44, wife of 15+ years is 40. We met in college - very much an 'opposites attract' scenario. We've had some ups and downs over the course of our relationship, but now, three children later (11, 8, 4), we've hit a major bump in the road. For the past several years, we've been attending couples therapy together. While we still care very deeply for one another, our paths have diverged and it seems that we just can't help but make each other feel poorly about ourselves. I'm very divided - wanting desperately to make it work, probably more for our kids than for myself...but part of me also just wants to be free. The topic of 'taking a break' has come up more than once. There's never been any kind of abuse, cheating, or any one unforgivable offense...but we have definitely grown apart. I guess my question for the group is - for those of you who have split because of irreconcilable differences, what was the tipping point for you? Every situation is different, but I would be interested to hear other experiences - might help trigger some realization that applies to my relationship. Thanks for reading.
I've posted a number of times about my situation (divorcing after 11 yrs marriage) and that I've been back and forth with my STBXH about hour current home that I live in (and yes, I do pay all associated bills and have since separation in Sept 2017).
Well, he went to a self-help seminar about 2 weeks ago, and came back indicating that he would accept a buy-out at top dollar amount that was quoted by the realtors (I had 3 realtor opinions and one appraisal. FYI: appraisal came back $35K lower than top quote). I agreed. I could afford it w/our marital asset split and it gave him the $ to put a down payment on a house about a mile away, which he's in the process of buying.
I'm grateful. I just signed on the papers today, we transferred the deed earlier this week. I'm grateful b/c our son gets to have some continuity, and go to the best school in the district, and that STBXH found a house. I'm doing my best to give him as much cash as possible, and still paying for a lot of his things, like cell phone, car payment/insurance- but it is helping him to buy this house, which is more pricey, so helping free up his cash helps him, and ultimately our son to have 2 homes.
I'm grateful because he hasn't cussed me out in 2 weeks. That's a win! We've been working on a parenting plan and have created a spreadsheet to divide home items. THis is more progress than MONTHS.
Do I think it will last forever? No way. But maybe it won't get as ugly as it was. Just today, 3 hrs before my signing, he called and said the amount wasn't fair. I gave him the equity in his vehicle to offset the 'unfairness' he'd agreed to previously. Uncanny timing, right? So I know that his narcissitic/manipulative traits are still there. But there aren't dominant totally like they were.
I'm also grateful that our son will live in two homes close to each other and that will make it easy if he needs to get something from one house, or we forget his homework ,etc. AND we are both less than a mile from our son's future elementary school.
Thank you to all who have commented on my posts, it's been helpful. The tough questions are even appreciated, because my perspective isn't always right. I've been processing this divorce more lately (esp when STBX is not firing of insults, it' easier for me to catch my breath). Like many, I'm pretty wounded- mostly from our marriage, whereas I think STBXH is wounded from the divorce. My wounds are older and I'm more used to them, his are fresher and maybe a reason he was so reactive.
Anyway, I wanted to share some good news. Mostly it's good we are communicating and collaborating on important issues, so the damage will hopefully be less as we move forward, AND we both get to have homes, yay!
It got much better. Thought I’ll show up here to leave a note of encouragement to those in the middle of it.
My recovery was very slow at first with constant setbacks, until: 1. We signed the final papers. No false hope left - no need to maintain contact. No contact is a crucial step on the way to getting better. 2. Booked myself a long trip to Nepal. Still herein Pokhara. Best place to be post-divorce. 3. Got myself a few expensive hobby-related presents I long wanted. 4. Started reading: optimistic novels to start with, then psychology to learn something from the experience so it’ not all in vain. It helps to learn what went wrong. “No more mr nice guy” and “the power of now” I recommend to everyone. 5. Learning to be independent again and enjoy my freedom. 6. Meeting new people. It’s easy here in Nepal. But I had to force myself at first. 7. Eating healthy 3 times a day. 8. Started playing tennis. 9. Met an old friend here. 10. Time’s on my side now. It was hard to believe everyone saying that it’ll get better. But time itself is fixing my mind. 11. Being grateful every day. There’s so much to be grateful for.
Don’t let depression take over. Fight it. It is going to be ok. It will get better and you will be you again.