38m stbxw 37f married 6 years in May together for 14. So it's been almost a month since I moved out. I probably should have stayed and made her leave. At the time I thought maybe the space would help us. I'm pretty sure there's someone else. My son is very confused he's only 5 and today before I took him home he was asking me questions about why I'm not coming home. I tried very hard to explain it to him with out saying it was cause his mom didn't want me. I told him that we didn't love each other and I had to leave. He told me that he still loves me so I should have never left. I started to tear up this is so hard. I miss my son so much. Her I don't care anymore she always puts her emotions in front of everyone else including herself. Just an example his karate teacher fought last night. He's been in karate for the last 2 years and the guys great with kids. Anyways he lost pretty nasty ko and my son was a little upset so I texted her thinking she would call. Nope to busy with someone else to worry about her son. I thought ok maybe in the morning nope didn't her from at all. I can handle her doing things like that to me but her choosing another man over our son makes me so mad. I'm contacting an attorney tomorrow. I was going to let her keep the house so it would be less impact on him. Now I'm really wrestling with making her give me a half of the house. I don't think somebody else should enjoy my hard work. Just a little bit of a rant here.
Yesterday, after the last straw, I went to the court house and filed for divorce. It was my 3rd time going, but my first time going through with it (the first 2 I zoned out in the law library for about an hour and put them back). I sat in the hallway outside the clerk for about 2 hours running through every component of my decision, and handed the packet to the clerk with shakey hands and tears in my eyes. With leaving her I'll be leaving my step daughter, dogs, and nice comfortable house, all of which I've fought very hard battles for in their own regards. I'll presumably be homeless for some time couch surfing, as this week I also decided to resign from my 10 year career as a wildland firefighter because very very high ranking people fucked me over. I'm seeking to move into a quiet structural retirement, and basically I'm ready to reset my whole life as I've ever known it.
My STBX has a long history of bad alcohol abuse, multiple DUIs and other very bad alcohol related problems. I've had my problems as well, but I've never got in any formal trouble. Just a personal struggle. However, I've grown up a bit and have been making a considerable effort to be healthy. I have not seen the same effort in her.
Our very short marriage was ravaged with extreme amounts of stress that lead us both to drink yet maintain extremely high functionality and responsibilities. Sparing the details, the custody battle over my stepdaughter was extremely contentious and we always had to literally look over our shoulder in a small town. This battle went on for 11 months, all the way through trial and about 8 full days in court. It was so terrifying it paralyzed us to think of losing the case, which was an intense uphill battle to say the least, and the consequence would be to lose our daughter to someone who is truly a fucked up psychopath. My wife would become inconsolable, so I took it upon myself to write about 300 pages of legal documents over that time, while working 65-75 hours a week minimum. This drained me.
I've been diagnosed with severe PTSD from multiple traumatic events, as well as my job naturally fostered a stressed mentality. Away from home weeks or months at a time, chronic sleep deprivation, dangerous situations with high consequences. Between this and the court case, I essentially lost my mind for about 4 months last year. I started drinking to sleep, and we boiled over and got into awful fights. She constantly threatened me with divorce but wouldn't go through with it. She became emotionally abusive, constantly insulting every lifestyle choice I made. I made the mistake of reconnecting with an old friend, who fell in love with me despite me being married. I got to the point where I demanded we divorce, I left for work for 3 weeks, and wanted her out of the house when I returned. During that time my old friend told me she wanted me and sent me indecent pictures which I dismissed. I guess this is my infidelity.
Right before I returned the verdict was issued that we were to stay in custody. This changed everything and we decided to keep trying for the kid. I came home and in person I told the truth about my friend and the pictures, and spoke to her again. Although nothing happened, she doesn't believe me and doesn't trust that I'm not cheating. On the other hand, I equally distrusted her because of a night she got drunk, came home and screamed at me, and ran off with her ex and did drugs and drank until 10am on our daughters birthday.
My season ended, We went through different times of unemployment in which I spent all of my savings to support the family. The lack of trust lead to increasingly intense fights, which eventually became violent in that one of us would break furniture or punch holes in the walls. Drinking resumed, got out of hand, and I found myself wanting out of the marriage.
Then a very very intensely dramatic trauma took place a few months ago. Essentially, I found my wife blackout drunk, attacked in a dark alley at 3am. It changed both of us permanently, but it made me buckle. I became an insomniac, I started drinking, and exhibited explosive rage. A few short days later I found her tinder profile, which is when I really lost my shit. I came to find out some time later the tinder profile was not what it seemed. A few weeks later, after obsessive investigation on my part, I found and came face to face with the perpetrator and was pulled away from violently attacking him. I didn't sleep for days at a time, completely in violent fantasy and drinking to self medicate. After a few weeks in this mindset, I think I exhausted the process and started sleeping again. I used that boost to start exercising and meditating again. I went to 4 counseling sessions which were very helpful.
My wife now has a great job again, but works nights. So I put it upon myself to make sure my stepdaughter was successful in school, which is difficult as she has extremely bad ADHD. Hours each night would go to taking care of her, and I felt like I was the only parent who actually cared enough to put time into my stepdaughter. All the less, it made me better to focus on her and I continued to improve.
My wife kept drinking more and more. She made new friends (loneliness in a new city was really hard for her) whos pastime was to drink after work. This pattern repeats until this past week, when she blacked out 5/7 nights, called me names like "failure of a husband" "cheating faggot piece of shit" and that she hated me, wanted to see other men, etc. With my progress I've decided to not reflect hostility and show patience loveand understanding, no matter the test. I told her ever day what she had done the previous night and she flatly denied it, which made it worse. Then, she went out with a friend I've never heard of and stayed out until 930 the next day. She never texted me any plans, location, or anything but did randomly send a picture of 2 people doing drugs around 3am. She then told me to shut up and that she gets to have friends too and do what she wants to do.
So I drew the line went to the courthouse. I went through with it. And now I'm scared to lose everything if im wrong. I know I love her but we never had the chance to be functional. She is devastated and hysterical, begging me to change my mind. I offered to help with child care as to not ruin her career but am leaving the state at the start of next month, and I stay with family when she is gone. It's been pretty simple to stay on track, but I'm writing in Reddit because I'm now horrified that if she has the power to stop drinking I acted too soon.
I found out yesterday about a close family member upcoming divorce. Tlwe currently live in different states. I texted her today if she'd like to talk, that I'm ready to be a listening ear.
They've been married 4 years. They started counseling about 6 months ago, he was very closed off and the therapist finally told them he would have to stop therapy with them because the husband was so closed off and continued to blame my family member for everything. Of course, I am hearing one side, but knowing his personality, it is believable. The husband came home from work yesterday and told her she needed to leave the house. They do not have any children.
I'm currently waiting for her phone call. Any words of advice I can pass along?
Way overused. Oh, I disagreed with your decision? Emotional abuse! Oh, I got angry/sad/depressed/annoyed when you did something that made me angry/sad/depressed/annoyed? Emotional abuse! Oh, instead of fighting (which you wanted) I walked away so we could both calm down? Emotional fucking abuse!
I never did any of the things that the definition of emotional abuse says... but all that matters is your perception.
Yes, I know real emotional abuse happens. It hurts, it damages, it kills relationships. I’m not trying to take that away from anybody who has suffered it.
That being said, not every disagreement is emotional abuse... but that’s the story she has to tell to justify her decision to walk out on a marriage, on our children, on a life that we built around her desires.
Am I an asshole? Probably. But abusive? Not by any rational standard. Doesn’t matter... she’s gone and me and the kids are left behind.
I wanted to share a bit with everyone. First it was offered by my Catholic parish as part of the Pope's call for parishes to offer pastoral care to those who were divorced. The retreat was actually started 15 years ago, but attendance had dropped off and this was the first time they had offered it in two years. As soon as I heard about it, I jumped at the chance to go.
There were 4 themes: out of darkness into light, be still, come to me, and hope for the future. There were witness testimony, time for reflection, sharing in small groups, and rituals. I would like to share a few things I took from the experience.
First, it was very refreshing and reassuring to be among others who had experienced either a similar situation or experienced grief a similar way. It was especially comforting to be among those who share my faith, because I was feeling a fair amount of shame that was self generated more the anything and they helped me see that no one in our community wanted to shame me.
Second, I learned that recovery from divorce is like recovering from drug or alcohol addiction; we will always be in recovery.
Third, it hit me so hard that I was attempting to rush the grieving process. I knew the steps, I was doing the self care, but I've also been keeping myself so busy, that I never slowed down to really process all the I lost. I need to take time and just be still and be open to sobbing and crying and feeling the hurt.
Fourth, forgiveness is hard to define, but must be done for me to be free.
Last, I experienced such love, empathy, compassion, and hope that while I sobbed several times I left feeling quiet on the inside and with a more practical, realistic view of where I am in recovery.
If you hear of a similar retreat or seminar, I highly recommend it.
Now: I feel like we are at a crossroads now. He wants kids. I don't. Not now. Not ever. I feel like I should tell him with finality and have the dreaded talk about splitting with him.
I feel horrible though. How did you initiate the talk of divorce? I feel like there are a lot of things we need to sort - I am financially dependent right now, he might not be ready to end the marriage altogether. Although I am certain about ending it, I feel like I still care about him.
So my question is: any tips on preparing him for bringing up divorce?
Over a month and a half ago I promised myself that I would file for divorce. It has been 4 months since my husband moved out and 16 months since discovering his affair to which he asserted that he wanted a divorce. While completing the paperwork, I had a panick attack so he said that he would finish, but nothing has happened.
Being honest, I don't want a divorce, but I refuse to be cheated on and strung along. I alternate between being empowered to file myself and waiting for him to file since it's what he wants.
I'm tired, I feel alone, I feel stupid, I feel unloved, and I feel used. Will he file? Will we reconcile? Will he try to string me along?
Even after 17 months of separation and 1 month of actual divorce, the silence that befalls my house after my boys leave from spending the weekend with me is pretty tough to handle. I thought that it would get easier with time, but it doesn’t seem to be happening. All I want to do is sink into my depressive thoughts for the rest of the day. No bueno.
Any suggestions to help alleviate this crushing sense of loss would be greatly appreciated.
This is my first time doing something like this so if I’m a bit quite I’m sorry.
I’m not going through a divorce nor am I divorced, but I really thought this would be the best place to ask a question like this. My parents have been happily married for years but only recently have they started having problems.
I was talking to my mum about this and she said that divorce may be an option but they’ll try to work things out.
Anyway today they had a massive fight and my dad walked out, and tbh I’m really scared.
My parents love each other so much and they never got into a domestic or anything like that so don’t worry.
But I’m just a little worried that if this carries on will my parents get a divorce, and if so... what happens to me ?