Going on my first date soon.. the marriage was over long before the separation papers were signed.. so after the I'm done we're definitely going through with the divorce kind of thing puts me at ease.
I'm super nervous and I really want to take everything slow with this guy. It feels so good to be flirty and talk to someone that is so genuine. Any tips for ya girl so I dont make an ass out of myself?
What I have found to be rather interesting is that when he moved out back in February, in about a month’s time, even after all the issues we were having and struggling with, I had a strong incling to work it out with him. Very strong desire.
Over these five months, I definitely battled with wanting to bring our family back together, and then pulling away, and enjoying the separation. I presented marriage counseling, and he wanted intimacy FIRST, and then marriage counseling would follow. I have found that to be very backwards, but I am a woman, so maybe I just have a different mindset? Needless to say, I had zero desire to hook up with him when there was really no commitment to our future.
Now, I am at a moment in time where I feel content, and know that us together is probably not a good thing. We had 20 years to really make it work, and we truly struggled. I think that we have a major personality issues, and we just don’t see things in the same light.
How many of you were scared to be alone? Not in the sense of being alone without someone, but being alone and depending solely on yourself. Meaning, you take care of all the finances, and there is 0% around. That, probably was the biggest concern, and aided in me wanting to get our family back together. It was fear.
I have now been on my own for five months, and things are going really great. I am independent, and I really don’t need to depend on anyone, but myself. My kids and I are doing very well, and I am just thankful that our children no longer have to deal with the constant fighting, and the major tension that went on between us while we live together. It was definitely a very unhealthy environment for everyone.
Another interesting tidbit is that he has been out of the house for five months, and the kids have only gone to his apartment three times. I know that he wants to buy house next year, so maybe that will make them want to go to his house? I really don’t want my kids to not know their father, but at this point in time, the bonds are getting thinner and thinner. He does, on the other hand, visit with the kids about 2 to 3 times a week, but they are very short and usually at my house.
Anyone else currently separated? How long has it been thus far? Have you thought about working on the marriage, or you guys just totally finished? How many of you hook up randomly with your spouse we were separated with? How many of you are dating during separation?
Wondering what you all have done to try to stop the spinning a little bit.
My situation is raw and new (2-3 weeks from him dropping “let’s separate” to “let’s just get divorced”) but if the emotional roller coaster could at least slow down a bit around the sharp corners it would help a lot.
Just today, I’ve gone from being concerned about my husband having a mental breakdown, how much time he’s spending with OW and not making his mental health a priority, to having a conversation with my counselor on the phone, feeling stronger from that and then realizing at the core of this is a lot of selfishness on his part, and probably a lot of placating on mine. The ups and downs are insane. And I’m still in the fog, as well. Haven’t quite gotten out of that yet.
Please tell me there’s hope for my emotions to level out a bit soon. What did you all do to help cope? I’m normally a very even-keeled person and my emotions feeling out of control is just nerve wracking.
My husband and I are separating - he is staying in our apartment and I am moving out - the kids (ages 5 and 8) will do 50/50 with us. I'm wondering how people actually did the separation/move. How much were the kids involved/around when you were packing things, picking out what stays and goes, moving in to the new place, etc. Is this something I can work on over a few days while they're at camp? Do I need grandma and grandpa to take them on a vacation for a few days? I'm really lost on how to approach the actual move with the kids. (We haven't even told them we're splitting up yet). We're separating amicably, so at least we have that going for us. I signed a lease for a place that's only a 13 minute walk from where we live now, so we'll still both be living quite close together to make the kids moving back and forth easier.
I find myself in quite the pickle. My ex and I agreed to divorce in Dec 16 and we worked out a division of property and everything was all set (we've never had joint finances so it was easy). We then decided to go to therapy to see if we could possibly fix it because we both still liked each other as friends. We went to therapy for over a year, but in the meantime, only acted as friends. No sharing a room, no physical contact obviously, no discussion of anything overly personal.
The nature of our relationship now and for the past 18 months is that we get along well as friends and roommates, but the romantic aspect is gone and we have serious long term incompatibilities as well as apparently no ability to work through issues calmly (on his part) even with therapy. I came into this relationship with a LTR that we considered a marriage under my belt and we had a lot of experience practicing nonviolent communication, etc. All the things our therapist told us to do this time around I already did because I learned it in my last marriage. Nothing helps.
However, both of us really like being roommates. There were a ton of benefits to staying together legally and physically, including shared chores, me being able to keep him on my insurance while he found a job with benefits, lower cost of living in our very HCOL area, company while watching netflix, playing games, and going out to events, etc.
Up until recently we were both thinking this might be enough; we have both been dating in the poly community as well since we are legally married. The problem is in the past year my baby fever is out of control. I just turned 38 and have limited time for a family, and I've realizing at this point living with a roommate isn't going to cut it for the rest of my life. I fear I'll look back on this in years from now and wonder why I didn't jump ship now, so I'm taking the plunge.
In an ideal situation, I'd date monogamous guys while still living with my roommate, but I think the fact that he's my ex-spouse is going to send people running. We have been talking and we are both in agreement we'll file for divorce at any point, and once we do it will take 4 months to finalize. My enormous concern with this plan is that guys I'm going to date are going to think I'm rebounding or not ready for a real relationship. I only do LTRs, I've always hated flings or STRs, and the clock is ticking. Obviously I'm not stupid or desperate; I only want a family with someone I love and have been in a LTR with for several years prior to kids, but that makes the timeline shorter.
On top of that, none of our friends and family know we have relationship issues. It was absolutely for the best that we kept that from them, but I'm also worried about a new guy being told by friends or family that something totally different was going on. I want them to believe me and understand that my ex and I have not been in a relationship since we decided to divorce in 2016. I'm sure I'm going to get a slew of well meaning people telling me not to jump into anything but that's simply not applicable here. I'm not sure how to handle that if it's coming from guys.
Has anyone run into this? Are my fears valid about new guys? I'm struggling with how to make them understand the situation as it is, not how it might look.
EDIT: the reason it was for the best to not tell friends and family was because when my first "marriage" broke up people were merciless about hounding me to get over it and get back out there, and it caused a lot of damaged relationships. I knew they would be extremely judgmental about my living with an ex and doing things with him.