I walked down the aisle 19 December 2016 with than man who promised me everything. Looking back I feel a little pathetic for giving up my education for a relationship and it's something I wouldn't do again.
We met originally dressed up as characters. I can't exactly remember who he was, but I remember being dressed in green: an elf. I couldn't fight anyone else. I thought I would hurt someone even with a larp sword so I kept standing awkwardly on the side with him encouraging me to just try it. I admired his long waist length hair (the same time I was going through alopecia and ended up resorting to medical wigs) We didn't get together then of course, but I found him very comforting and nurturing I guess. I'd gone through a hard time with my mental health and he was really good to talk to.
Eventually I told him how I felt on a teamspeak server of all places. He worked full time and I was studying, so often our group would game online in between seeing each other. That wasn't a frequent occurrence actually. I'd met his mother before, the first time we'd met she gave me a kiwi fruit (I'm not sure why that's stuck with me so much) I just ate a kiwi for breakfast and cried.
Unfortunately he was going away to University and neither of us particularly wanted something long distance. He decided on one fairly far away and I wanted to be where ever he was, since he had no plans of moving back afterwards as he wanted to buy a place there. He'd taken a fair few years out of education to work, so was returning older than the other students. His parents didn't exactly approve of me, or the relationship and tolerated it at best. We wanted them to take us seriously, but I still thought we married for love.
We always joked about if we separated we'd stay friends and list off the slightly annoying things we both did (he always ate really weird snacks that grossed me out, and it was an ongoing joke) And I tore the toilet paper wrong sometimes.
He was someone I could talk to about anything and I was, definitely in love with him.
We moved in together a little before we'd gotten married because the mortgage had taken a while and we just wanted to get our stuff moved. We lasted for just under 9 months from getting married. In that time I'd lost a friend to her suicide and had a bit of a breakdown. There's no point dragging him and going into details with this, but he just didn't understand why I was so upset. Everyone copes will death differently.
Admittedly looking back I become more of a housemate/cleaner and we'd grown apart, but I always kept pushing to try to go for walks to the park or just generally spend time together. I know things get stale. He'd stay up and come to bed at 6 am often, which is when I was getting up myself. He didn't want to hug, or look at me especially after I lost my friend. It just felt so lonely in that bed. We never really argued, he just didn't talk. One night he went out while I was making dinner and came back really late and just broke it to me. For me it felt sudden. I was still very in love with him and desperate to make it work, because that's what people do. He told me he'd given up on it a while back. He cared about me, but he didn't love me. There was a lot more to it than that, but that goes too far into the dragging catagory and I really can't be bothered.
I moved out three days later with the cat, my pc and my clothes. Again I was leaving my friends behind and starting again. I didn't tell anyone for a while that we'd separated. I felt ashamed for not making it work. I had so many people pester me to at least try therapy with him - something I'd mentioned that evening and he'd declined. It's as if people don't think I tried.
I don't talk about it anymore. My rings are away in a drawer somewhere, and I've reverted to my maiden name. I avoid telling people that I'm married unless I really need to. The rolled eyes and "wow that didn't last long" gets old fast.
When I first moved home we still spoke. I was a crying mess for weeks, but I still couldn't get angry at him. No matter how hard I tried. I loved the git. I stuck up for him for a long time, because it's always been my belief that you shouldn't stay out of obligation. In an ideal world, you'd stay together through everything, but it's not an ideal world. And I'm angry at myself more than anything.
I found out earlier this year, from a phone call from the best man than my stbx is seeing his (bestmans) girlfriend. We hadn't spoken since before wes separated. Our joint friends took my stbx's side, so I never expected to hear from him. This time it was me comforting an upset human on the phone, rather than the other way around. I found it really hard to deal with my emotions that day. Especially as I was the last to find out about the two of them. It was the first time I'd felt anger towards him. Betrayal too. He didn't love me and I kept asking myself, why her? He's allowed to have female friends, and she was a close friend of mine too. I can see why in a way. We wouldn't have been close if she was an awful person. I just wish it wasn't so close to home. Now I don't speak to him much and I took her off all social media straight away - I had nothing to say to her after that. I thought it would be better that way. That's when everything really sunk in.
I'd been in a loveless marriage and I felt like a right mug. That anger was short lived. It's just returned to me feeling hurt. I wish I could be angry at home. I still ask myself why a lot. And it's making it difficult to move on with my trust issues.
Tonight I have to get weighed at the place where we had our reception. My Dr sent me and I've found it's helped me heal. Getting myself back to where I was before physically. I just wish it wasn't today.
Does it get easier? I know it's only the second anniversary, but I'm frustrated with wallowing about it. There's reminders everywhere constantly and I can't avoid the wedding topic forever.
It’s possible my divorce will go to trial in 2019, I’m just wondering what to expect. We have everything figured out except for maintenance. He thinks he shouldn’t pay me any, I’m hoping to continue to receive it. He makes 3x what I make. Married for 15+ years. Minor children involved. I will be surprised if we actually do make it to trial as I think he’s just trying to intimidate me into giving up or agreeing to a much smaller settlement. If anyone is familiar with IL cases, he’s saying he has evidence beyond Miller vs. Miller to prove his case. There is no such evidence though.
I’ve posted here in the past with a throwaway, but I figured I may as well face this with my regular account.
My ex-wife and I split up about 2 and a half years ago after 5 years of marriage (no kids). We both married very young, and I suppose I was naïve to a lot of things marriage was meant to be, but it wasn’t until the last year I began to pick up on the emotional abuse being leveled at me. She told me she wasn’t in love with me anymore, withheld intimacy for about 3 years, and frankly made me feel suicidal. She’d been physically abusive once or twice in our late teens, was always verbally abusive to anyone who dared cross her, and was a pathological liar, though I only began to realize the impact that had on me after the fact. I realized I enabled a lot of her lies by not calling her out when I knew things didn’t add up, even from our early relationship.
Not long after we split she began stories about me being with someone else, and began passive aggressively attacking me on any platform while I went NC. Six months further she tried to break in to my house, leaving me to call the police and take out an order on her, which only very recently expired.
My parents were aware of all of this, though in their defense I didn’t really speak badly about her beyond the first year of separation and ultimately divorce. I was tired, and while I kept the house we were renting she got nearly everything inside it, including the car and me paying out her debts, just because I didn’t have it in me to fight.
She actually came in to my work the other day, waiting for me to leave to go on my break before coming in, so I feel as though she was watching me. When my boss told me she was in I collapsed in a panic in the back room.
I just found out that she still sees my parents, and that she came over to their house (where I am currently sitting on their couch) for a coffee the other day, and that my mother has organized lunch at other occasions. I have told them that I was NC with her, and I requested they do the same, because nice as they are they do tend to talk and I didn’t want them to tell her anything about me or how I’m doing, for fear of it being used against me.
I told my parents that she came in to my work, and my reaction, and then asked them why she saw them and who organized it. My dad was very apologetic but my mother felt it was her right to see her if she wanted (which I can’t argue with) and that she doesn’t understand why I’m so upset.
I just feel as though now that she’s come in to my work and then my childhood home, that her coming to my house I share with my new partner is the next step. I also can’t help but feel betrayed and that I’ve had my trust broken.
Has anyone else felt this way or been through this? I feel like I’m suffering from PTSD or something similar and I don’t know what to do.
tl:dr - Parents still seeing emotionally abusive ex-wife behind my back, and me not knowing how to cope.
I was feeling so overwhelmed by so many minor daily items I usually do today. I have been having re-occurring nightmares of staying with my ex and things just getting worse. I know it is a sign my subconscious is telling me I did the right thing and to stop feeling guilty.
I received yet another package in the mail to file a bunch of child support information for the second time. I tried calling customer service and of course govt agency was on hold for a half hour and had to hang up because I had to present a report to my manager.
I was on auto pilot during my presentation, I actually can't remember what I have said, and I am worried why I can't remember what happened only 5 hours ago.
I feel numb, and alone, and by the commute ride home (2 hours) I got a call from my case manager for child support confirming that she has found my ex (escaped to opposite coast--- just another dead beat dad that I am forced to coparent with although he wants no part in it).
My mother won't shut up about re-marriage and trying to tell me it is possible for me because I am still young. I'm sorry but I am so jaded now, that it is not fixable. I do not everrrrr want to get married again. I barely even want to date, and I only date to prove to myself that I am likable and that nothing is wrong with me. But why do i feel like everything is still wrong. I am lost.
I read the reddit posts a lot about building yourself and finding hobbies. I struggle to have the power to get up early and be proactive. I might do it like twice a week but then I cant do it the following week. There is so much I want to do and I feel frozen and stuck in this funk.
My great aunt just passes away Sunday. She was 76 years old, and I thought to myself, I don't ever want to live to be 70+, I don't even want to make it to 60. My grandfather who is 86 says "No one will ever feel your pain but yourself, do what is right for you." I still feel pain in my chest you guys, and I don't even love my ex. I'm still shocked that I was so kind to someone and they steam rolled me like this and took advantage of me like Im some kind of idiot.
I had to move in with my parents. I am grateful of course that they are helping me rebuild myself. But I also feel this might be crippling. Being around my mom is difficult as she just doesn't understand how I need my own space. She is controlling, and mom shames me a lot. It will take me 2-3 years to be able to move out and she is already trying to discourage me from doing it.
how did I get here, why is my life doomed to always be a nightmare? I am planning to get off all forms of social media, everyone is getting engaged, happily married, traveling, and I'm still living with my parents with a toddler. I was betrayed in so many ways by so many people.
TL;DR; Midnight rambling thoughts. I'm sorry, I am venting/being annoying. lost.
My wife is insistent on moving herself and my children from Oklahoma to California. I do not, and will not, consent to this move. Our marriage has been dead for years and I know that if the wife had the means (she's terrible with money and has destroyed my credit) to initiate a divorce she would in a heartbeat if it meant she could move to California.
As for me, I've put up with her for years as a means to maintain peace and get as much time with my children as possible. However, I recently took a job as an over the road truck driver. I know this wouldn't help my cause, but I had hoped that making the sacrifice of being away from home for the sake of improving our living situation would open her to compromising. Alas, she's already interpreted it as an opening to try to leave. ("I don't see why we have to live here. You're never around.")
Tomorrow, I'll return home from the road for the holidays. She wants to "discuss" (translation: fight about) where we're living since she didn't renew the lease on our apartment. I know she's plotting something, but I also know she's helpless without my income so I have some leverage—for now at least.
I'm going to stall for time by telling her that we should wait until the kids finish school for the year before discussing any major moves. During that time, I'm going to cash out an old 401k from my previous job and use it to put a lawyer on retainer. I have a couple of damning recordings of her I can use (me trying to compromise with her and her stating she wants to kill herself over living here), but need more in case she tries the ol' "claim abuse to get a restraining order" trick. (I've never abused her, but I'm 50% certain she'd lie if it suited her cause.) I'm hoping that if I preemptively divorce her before she can me I'll be able to keep her from leaving with my kids. I don't care what it costs me in child support, so long as I can keep my kids away from the trashy elements my wife came from.
So what do you think, people of the Divorce Reddit? Can I pull this off? Any advice? Warnings?
Joint custody situation. If I have a conversation with a teacher or email communication with school staff, am I obligated to include co-parent on all communications or report those communications to the co-parent immediately?
I don't think I have to but wasn't completely sure.
The end of my marriage is very near. We finalized mediation over the weekend, lined up the drafting of the separation agreement over the holidays, and finally told our young children that mommy’s and daddy’s sometimes do not live together. This part gutted me. They were oblivious albeit sweet. So innocent yet, undeserving of their parents relationship dissolving in front of their eyes.
My wife will move out (and into a temporary living space) on January 1, despite not taking possession of her new house until a couple months later. I respect her intentions to have a fresh start in 2019, however, not taking this personally has been incredibly difficult, especially considering the fact we continue to act friendly around each other, even loving to a degree.
Our marriage was never perfect, however had a strong foundation built on love, trust, and respect. We argued about typical married shit...parenting styles, family boundaries, work-life balance. But never any dealbreakers - never any infidelity, abuse, addiction. We took our eye off our marriage, but not for the wrong reasons. The pressures of work and raising young children took its toll on our marriage, and we became people we didn’t necessarily like, however always believed that we would reinvest in “us” when the kids were older, into elementary school on a full time basis, etc. We now find ourselves here, although it appears to be too late for my wife to want to try.
I begged throughout the summer/fall to reconsider marriage counselling, however she wouldn’t budge. I turned all my focus outside of being a great dad onto myself, again she wouldn’t budge - she felt I was making changes to spite her. I took a number of different approaches with her, from giving distance to applying guilt. Nothing. I became angry and resentful. Nothing. I spent time talking with her parents, extended family, close friends - all of which couldn’t rationalize why she is making such a momentous decision without giving me a chance. Nothing has worked. She is done.
So I fully participated in the mediation process, and I believe we have a settlement that is fair. And as I say, since this things have been great between us. Regular family activities, time together in the evenings as a couple - no physical connectivity of any kind but just having her companionship reminds me of the good in our relationship. It’s not something I am prepared to let go of, and every night we watch a show or have a glass of wine together I become incredibly saddened by our pending separation. I have to stop myself from telling her just once more how much I love her and how much I want us to work. I know this will push her away.
So here I am, lost, stuck, scared. It is a pain I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, although the sickest part is that I still have hope; for no good reason other than the fact I still feel a spark between us, and I know she feels it too.
Just wanted to put this out there as I am hurting. Any feedback you can provide is appreciated.
Wife came home in a chipper mood, it took me a while but I eventually started the conversation. I asked her what she imagined my side of the relationship was like. She immediately stated that I was disappointed with our sex life, and later said that she feels it is all or nothing with me. I told her I was tired of doing all the work, and that any conversations about it invariably became about her. I said that even more than that I was disappointed that she did not try to reel me back in after years of becoming more distant and detached from her. She replied that she did try sometimes but I blew her off.
Even though she has previously said she was too uncomfortable to see a counselor, she explained that she was willing to go for the relationship. She also mentioned that while she does want to have kids, it is a lower priority than our marriage.
She is much more confident than I am, but I have to try...
I'm wrapping up day 4 since the decision to and feeling down but much better than the days before. I finally got some sleep out of exhaustion. My STBX tried to reach out and comfort me at 5am and I had the strength to get up and start my morning routine. I ordered the separate bed that I'd put off. While shaving I had a case of what I call the sobs. They come on suddenly and somewhat unexpectedly at this stage. They don't last long but they give me kind of a hard reset after I stop and breathe and collect myself. The rest of the morning at home was the usual moroseness and just trying to get through. I had an especially hard time when I saw what STBX would be wearing to work. It was similar to what she wore when I got my evidence (which was work related). There was an uncomfortable silence but I didn't tell her what was bothering me. I left and felt pretty bad all morning.
At work I was slow to get things done but I set aside time and managed to call our assistance program. They are performing a local legal search for me and will give me a list in five days then a free 30 minute session and a discount on hourly rates. In 20 minutes I got done something I thought would take a month. Later I called back for more information and I have a list of local counselors with five sessions covered. I called insurance and they will cover additional sessions so now I just have to make some more calls. I also had breakfast with a co worker who is helping me through and filled him in later as well. I really didn't feel that much better until it came out of my mouth and I realized how much progress was made.
I dreaded going home all day. The drive home was tough, I heard a new song on the radio called Be Alright by Dean Lewis. If you need a cry give it a listen. Longest sobs yet. But as usual I felt a little better after. When I got there my STBX looks to be in rough shape. It's finally hitting her I think that I'm not going back. I asked what's wrong, how I could help, etc. Just a day or two ago she was trying to help me but I resented it and walked away each time. She didn't ask me for anything. I called my sister and cleaned out a closet. I released her of the kids after dinner and told her she could have some alone time. I played with my kids for an hour and it was great. She took a nap, we worked on kids bedtime. I texted friends, now that they are up to date on current events we were shooting the shit about work. STBX just went to bed. I'm casually finishing a Netflix show.
I couldn't handle the gym yesterday with exhaustion. I couldn't go today with everything else I did. Tomorrow I go in early with no kids so I'll go to the gym before work. It's been over a year since I stopped going because STBX thought I was cheating.
I know every day won't be good. There may be more bad before I get another like this. This day even started out as one of the worst is the past few. But I had a pretty good day far sooner than I expected. Looking forward to the next good day. Thanks for reading.