First time posting here, I’m not sure if we have to declare trigger warnings or not but possible TW- calories, scales, relapses. I’m sorry if this is long, I don’t have anyone to talk to about this and have so much to get off my chest.
I’ll start off by saying that I’ve never been clinically diagnosed. I’ve suffered in silence since I was 12 (now 26). This being said, I am a social worker and have been very well versed in the signs, symptoms, and steps to diagnosis of an ED. In the last 14 years I know I have dealt with anorexia, bulimia, and now BED (no purging). The roots to my disordered eating had nothing to do with body image; it has always been a way for me to feel in control and proud of myself, though I am the heaviest I’ve ever been so it’s starting to become about that as well.
In January, I began a commitment to health. I started going to the gym regularly, eating whole foods, and tracking my macros. I’ve been obsessive in the past with calories, but this time I seemed to have a really strong handle on it and I felt good. I didn’t see much weight loss, maybe 5lbs at the most in 3 months and then I plateaued, but clothes were fitting better and people were noticing that I was slimming down.
I started a new job at the beginning of the month which has exhausted me to the point that I rarely go to the gym anymore. My lack of commitment to the gym has made me lax about what I eat. I went from eating spinach salads tossed in oil and vinegar to Caesar salads with extra croutons and cheese. From eating 6 lean meatballs to 1 1/2 prime rib hamburgers with buns. It’s been a slow decline back to my old poor eating habits. For the last two weeks I’ve eaten out almost every day, and been to the gym maybe 3 times. Even though I’ve been making poor food choices, I haven’t gone on a hard binge since January.
Last night I decided that enough was enough and I needed to get back on track with my eating since that was something I could control from home since I was too tired to workout. I had 1/2 a burger wrapped in lettuce, and a few chips with salsa for dinner. Less than 600 calories. Cool! But then it was like this monster started telling me “your dinner was less than 600 calories, you’ve had maaaaaybe 1100 calories total today, that’s far less than you’ve been eating lately.... you can eat a little more.”
And then it began.
I had a drumstick ice cream cone for dessert. Okay fine, it’s just dessert. But then I decided to make popcorn. I have a whirley pop and those pre-packed kits with kernels, oil, and salt. It makes 24 cups of popcorn dredged in oil and salt and I ate it all. While eating the popcorn I decided that I needed some fudge covered Oreos to balance out the salt. After this I was so full I thought I was gonna be sick. So of course, what did I decide to do? I decided to go weigh myself just for that extra stab of self loathing and torture. 7lbs heavier than the morning before. The rational side to me knows that I didn’t actually gain 7lbs in one day. But of course the monster side of me doesn’t see it that way.
I ended up just going to bed at like 9:45 because I knew I was going to keep eating otherwise. I know this isn’t the most excessive binge in the world, but I just hate how I’ve done so well for almost 6 months and then I started declining to the point where I just decided to throw everything out the window. That’s not the mentality I want to have. I hate how your mind can be taken over by this stupid disorder.
It's hard to admit I am an overeater. I want to think myself as a woman who overeats when she is distressed like many women do, but actually I got a skin disease due to my overeating. Plus, the frequency, the amount and the speed I eat are extreme... Hence, I need to control them. But restricting freedom of my eating is a torture. I want freedom of eating!
Hey guys, this is my first post here. I’ve been on this sub lurking for a little while now and find a lot of inspiration in some of the things you guys post. I wanted to share with you guys something that happened to me tonight, I’m feeling quite disgusting and I hope that maybe this can maybe, possibly help someone avoid doing to themselves what I did to myself tonight. This is an honest story, so maybe trigger warnings.
So I’ve recently started 16:8 intermittent fasting. It’s coming up to exam time for me which means long hours studying and this has been really helpful. Weekend are the worst for my diet, I think that I lose control and I have the excuse of “well I’ll just have one weekend of fun and start again on Monday.” But this happens every weekend. Last night (Friday night) I ate a box of crackers, a bowl of brown rice and melted cheese, and 13 sweet biscuits. I told myself last night that “I wouldn’t let Saturday be a binge day” and that I’d stick to my healthy, meal prepped soup and snacks of rice cakes and fruits.
Today (Saturday) I had salad for lunch, and rice cakes for snacks. It got to dinner time and I was getting ready to have my soup. My boyfriend decided he wanted pizza and asked me what I wanted, and without thinking I found myself asking for a large vegetarian. He rang the pizza shop and put the order in. I told myself I’d just have two pieces. I drank a litre of water so I’d be full. The pizza arrived and we put on a movie and both sat down to eat.
By 5 minutes I’d eaten my “two pieces.” They were so good. I didn’t even want them. I started picking toppings off another piece. I ate another piece. “Okay, one piece more than you thought, that’s okay” I told myself. I closed the box. I opened it again and picked off “just one more mushroom.” Then I picked off some more, and some more. I ate the 4th piece. I felt full. I thought I should put it away. My boyfriend was still eating his third piece. “Oh my god, I’ve eaten more than him, how disgusting.” I tried to watch the movie. I wanted another bit, just one more, then I’ll stop. I ate the fifth piece. There were only three bits left. I picked off the capsicum off a 6th piece. “Just stop, please just stop” I was begging myself. The pointy tip of the pieces had no toppings left, they were just sauce and dough. I picked off the top with my fingers, and ate it. It looked half eaten. “Fuck it,” I thought. I ate the 6th and 7th piece. I was so full, my stomach hurt. I looked down at the last piece. “Not like I’ll be saving this for lunch, just eat it, be fine with it. You can always make yourself sick anyways and then it won’t count.”
I ordered Indian food (30$ worth) to binge on my workplace. I scarfed down 2 huge cheese naans, but as soon as I got there I threw my scampi biryani out in one of the outside bins. Well.. 4 hours later I'm taking it out from there and eating it with my hair comb (because no cutlery) in the last seats of the bus heading home. I'm pathetic...
on youtube i see a lot of competitive eater videos, or challenge videos such as “20,000 calories in 12 hours” where they have 2 or 3 people eating 20,000 cals combined and i think “i can do that myself in 4 hours tops” 😂 it makes me feel so abnormal how big my stomach capacity is in comparison to a normal person, plus it’s painful reading all the comments where people are talking about how normal portions fill them up. urggg i’m so jealous of normal people
I guess that sums it up. My day starts out good. Fruits, that sort of thing. And then quickly spirals down into meal after meal and snacking turns into constant eating and I feel like crap but I just keep cramming food into my face because???? I can????
I don’t fucking get it. I’M NOT HUNGRY. I AM NOT HUNGRY. MY STOMACH HURTS BECAUSE IT IS SO FULL.
Why the hell am I still eating??? I don’t want to eat for a week, I’m bloated and I look like shit, oh my god. Such a bad place to be in. Sorry for ranting.
It never fails, I say these words right before I start, and at the end of my binge, when my belly is stretched out, I wish I could purge (but I could never do that) I care about myself even less. I am just starting to give up. What's the point of trying anymore? I am 58 years old, I have gone up and down in weight by 25, 40, even 65 pounds, but now I can't get a foothold on that journey back down, and I know that anything I do only lasts 7 to 10 days, then it's all back down the hill. I really need to hear some SUCCESS STORIES here, from people who are LONG-TIME victors over this mental anguish that only people like us can understand. (Just stop eating like that, they say... HA!!!)
You look at food as either good or bad. Cheesecake bad. Vegetables good. And when you accidentally have a bite of that cheesecake and say “fuck it, Monday I’ll start”. You need to stop doing that to yourself.
Food is something your body physically needs to survive. You unfortunately, have attached your emotional problems to a physical one. So when you’re bored, you eat. When you had a bad day at work, you eat. You’re an addict. You’ve taken this thing that you need to survive into your enemy.
It’s time to make food your friend again and it’s time to shut up that voice in your head that was reminding you how hungry you were even though you just ate 12 granola bars, and here is how you do it.
It’s time to delete your calorie counting app. It’s really not doing you any good. At 5pm when you realize you only have 100 calories left? Yikes time to eat a whole box of cereal and 2 gallons of milk. Stop brain washing yourself.
Do something. Anything. Recliners were designed for your legs, your legs weren’t designed for recliners. Go get some fresh air. Seriously, it’s amazing what it can do for you. You were hungry before you went outside and you’re gonna hungry when you come back in, perfect!
Anxiety kicking in while you go for a walk? Suck it up. No one is going to hurt you, no one is looking at you and no one is thinking about you. You’re walking. You’re not special. Keep your eyes to the sky never glued to your shoes my friend.
Eat when you’re hungry. Not when you’re emotions are acting up. You need to learn the difference. But if you really must, trying avoiding eating 4 meals worth of time. Revert back to step 2 as a way to distract yourself from emotional eating.
Find a physical activity you enjoy doing. Dancing? Cool. Swimming? Cool. Jump rope? Sick. I don’t care. Pick one. Running seems like a good place to start. The first week sucks but after that you start to feel pretty good.
Find a hobby. Instead of sitting there binge watching game of thrones or your latest and greatest HGTV show. Knit or something. Keep your hands off the food.
Out of sight out mind. If it’s not there you can’t have it. Pretty simple. You don’t need a cheesecake in your fridge at all times. Okay? That’s weird.
Rinse and repeat. This is without a doubt the hardest part. Easy to picture in your hard but pretty hard to act it out. Do it for a month. It’s not that long. A lot less longer than all the Mondays you’ve been starting your new diet on.