Swiper beware: Tinder’s recent dating study reveals biased conclusions and ignores our humanity.
“Percentage of daters who have had more than one committed relationship as an adult: 49 percent offline vs. 74 percent online.”
That’s one of the statistics from the new study that Tinder just put out (pun intended) abut online versus offline daters. That stat essentially claims that online daters are 50 percent more likely to have had two or more relationships than their offline counterparts.
But I have considerable trouble accepting research where every statistical result favors its sponsor — which is exactly what this study does for Tinder.
For the full article, check out my post over at YourTango
A story of Jenessa’s transformation, from shy and awkward to giving social skills advice to friends!
“Camille has made it possible for me to understand and realize that I’m worthy of the kind of man that I want to attract. … I used to be that person who would just cower in the corner and not engage and now I’m comfortable enough to engage with anyone.“
– Jenessa, 26, IT
Despite having a Masters degree and working in IT, Jenessa never felt like she got men and relationships. At 26, with a thriving career and active social life, she felt like dating was something she should have a handle on, instead of being clueless.
Jenessa’s Story at Glance
Trouble initiating authentic conversations with other people (flirting made her feel like a 5 year old)
Not able to relax and enjoy conversations (too much in her head)
Not clear on what she wanted, which led to settling for men who aren’t a great fit for her or who want a casual fling
Dug deep to establish clarity around what she wanted in life
Developed the confidence to own and pursue those goals
Improved conversation skills so that connecting with others was natural and easy
Became comfortable enough to talk to anyone
Had her roommate, a model, as her “how did you do that?” when Jenessa talked to a man who approached her
Is now preparing to move cities in pursuit of the life and career she wants
Despite having a successful career and a master’s degree, relationships were not easy for Jenessa. She was mystified by them and couldn’t seem to find the same sort of ease with dating that her friends had.
“I’ve always thought that there was this lesson in men and dating and flirting that I’d missed.Like in the 3rd grade we had Dating 101 and I missed it because it felt like all my friends understood dating but I didn’t.“
It didn’t help that Jenessa was not naturally super outgoing or the life of the party.
“I’ve always felt like there’s something wrong with me, that I’m not even an enjoyable person to be around, that I’m awkward and quiet.“
Feeling like she was supposed to have this stuff handled, plus not fitting her mental image of who she had to be to attract a man, was really discouraging for her. It made a relationship feel like it was out of reach:
“I had kind of given up on having a relationship, in a sense. This was something I wanted but I gave up on it because I didn’t know how to get there.”
With the new year starting, Jenessa was setting goals and realized that she really wanted to focus on her relationships, so she enrolled in my Confidence, Connection, Charisma coaching program.
“I just wanted to get a better handle on everything. I really had no idea of what I exactly wanted, and from there I had no idea how to go get it.“
Because Jenessa didn’t know what she wanted, we started with getting her some clarity around what she was looking for, since what she had been doing clearly wasn’t working for her…
“At the very best I’d go on one OkCupid date and I’d find myself not having a good time. I’d be dreading going on those encounters just trying to think up different ways to get out of it. … I had very few dates as a result, and in my head I think I thought I was okay with that? But then I was getting disappointed when it didn’t progress further.”
This disappointment and online burn out wasn’t helping Jenessa feel like she was good at dating. But her biggest barrier to meeting men in real life was that she didn’t feel comfortable enough to just jump into a conversation as herself.
She had this belief that she wasn’t worthy of having interesting conversations, which blocked her from truly being herself and relaxing enough around other people to let them in.
“I realized that, even in small conversations with people, I had a script in my head that I don’t feel like I’m worthy of a conversation with you or even acknowledgement from you.”
We started by tackling that belief that Jenessa wasn’t worthy of having interesting conversations. Since it’s pretty much impossible to attract new friends or a relationship without having that initial, first conversation, Jenessa and I really focused on her conversation skills.
I gave her tools and strategies to use during conversations to stay present and grounded with people. We worked on opening up with friends and people she knew, so that she could deepen her existing relationships and tackle some of that fear.
“Just the first month there were two people I spoke to, both of whom I thought I wasn’t good enough to talk to, and I was able to have really deep, meaningful conversations with them.“
These quick, small wins were crucial for building Jenessa’s confidence. They helped her start to see conversation opportunities everywhere, and to realize that she was worthy of starting a conversation with anyone.
“I started to see all of the stuff that I thought wasn’t possible or not for me, and it just clicked. It was like I was being gently guided towards this strong, confident persona I’d always wanted, but that persona became who I am.“
And that resulted in some pretty amazing encounters, like this one she had while out with her roommate, who also happens to be a fitness and sportswear model:
“Just last week actually, one of my girlfriends and I went out for a drink to enjoy the sunshine. We were sitting down and a gentleman approached and started talking to us.
I just felt really comfortable engaging him in conversation, and we had this nice conversation and this back and forth. And I noticed several times that he tried to engage my friend, but she just was not interested in that at all. She just sat there on her phone, texting and not engaging.
When he left and she looked at me and said “How did you do that? How do you just feel comfortable enough to talk back to people?”
And I told her ‘That’s why I worked with Camille!‘“
This newfound confidence has been incredible for Jenessa — and was the most unexpected part of her transformation. There is a difference between saying you’ll become more confident, and actually feeling that way. And it has completely changed Jenessa’s life:
“I realized I was starting to outgrow the city I’m in, and that it’s time for me to start setting up my life and friend groups beyond this city. Because I’m not going to get to the next level here, and I’m not physically around the kind of men I’d be interested in having a serious relationship with.“
With her future plans set and already getting into motion, Jenessa knows that she has the skills to connect with anyone, anywhere. She no longer feels like she missed “Dating 101” all the way back when.
Because it’s not about being someone you aren’t, it’s about being all of you and letting that person shine through:
“Through this process of working with you, I realized that, yeah, I’m not the life of the party. I’m not doing a keg stand or running around screaming or making a million jokes…but I have this natural ability to be warm and to make people feel comfortable. And I’m realizing that’s enough.“
No swiping. No profiles. No matchmaking.
Just the best tools to create your real life romance and attract the right guy in under 30 seconds (without saying a word).
Want to get the same incredible results as Jenessa? Apply for a FREE 60-minute Strategy Session call with me, where we’ll create a tailored action plan to reach your personal dating goals as quickly as possible. Click here to fill out an application and I will personally get in touch with you!
From “I don’t talk to people” to starting conversations like a pro
“I had so many breakthroughs while working with Camille…it almost felt like I was cheating on my therapist with her! She knew exactly what I needed and catered her coaching to my specific needs. It was like having a personal trainer for my relationships.” – Holly, 34, Teacher
A teacher in Chicago, Holly felt like she was finally ready to pursue a relationship after some major life changes. But online dating wasn’t doing it for her and she had trouble meeting men.
Holly’s Story at a Glance
At a Glance
Difficulty initiating conversations
Anxious and stuck inside her own head (worried about saying something stupid)
Putting pressure on herself to meet someone “this time”
1-on-1 coaching in reading body language and starting conversations
Releasing mindset blocks around talking to people
Taking small, baby-steps to overcome her anxiety in conversations
Confidently starts conversations wherever she goes
Looks people in the eye while walking around town
Went to a singles event and smashed her goal of talking to 5 men…and got a date!
Holly’s Full Story
As a teacher in Chicago, Holly had never really “dated” before. She let her shyness rule her, and hadn’t felt ready for a relationship for a long time, focusing on her career instead of getting a date.
“I had just been doing online dating and wasn’t really actively looking for a relationship,” Holly said.
With online dating not getting the results she was looking for, Holly wanted to try something different. She enrolled in Confidence, Connection, Charisma with me because she felt like it was time.
“I wasn’t being intentional about my search at all. Then I did Whole 30 [eating challenge] and it changed my life. I felt better about myself and I felt really good about the person I was and I wanted to share that with someone because dating is just as important as your professional life.
You know, people always say that your job isn’t going to send you flowers on your birthday and other things like that, and they’re right.“
To start, I needed to know what Holly’s ideal dating life would look like. She told me that, ideally, she’d get asked out on the bus, get dates as she went about her day, and have a few fun date nights each week to look forward to.
But before that could happen, we had to understand why Holly wasn’t seeing these results in her life already.
Holly had worked with a therapist before, and so was somewhat aware of what was holding her back when it came to dating. She knew she was anxious and insecure when interacting with other people, especially men she liked. During conversations, Holly was very much inside her own head, wondering and worrying about what she could say to get the other person to go out with her.
This anxiety meant that Holly didn’t go out that often. And when she did, she put a lot of pressure on herself to meet someone and have it work out:
“Dating was very high stakes for me. This had to be the time I met somebody. And then usually for me, once I got up the nerve to go out, if it didn’t go well, I would go back into my shell.“
This carried over into her day to day life, where Holly would often walk around the city with her head down, avoiding eye contact and not engaging with anyone.
By not even making eye contact, Holly was missing out on all kinds of opportunities to meet and connect with new people-including men. She was giving off the vibe that she was closed off to new people and didn’t want to be approached – even though that was the opposite of what was true. No wonder she wasn’t getting asked out on the bus!
“When you’ve been living a certain way for a long time you just don’t question it. We have all these rules in our heads and my rule was just that I don’t talk to people.”
“I don’t talk to people” was a major mental block for Holly, so we focused on it first because it was having a huge impact on her day to day life:
“I would circle the aisle in the grocery store 10 times instead of asking for help.”
We started with baby steps. The next time she was out, I told Holly to just talk to anyone. It didn’t have to be a cute guy, or even a guy. She just had to do go up to someone and ask them something super simple, like where the coat check was, just as a way to start asking for help.
“I was out with my friends and nobody in our group would ask where the coat check was so I finally just did it. And it was cute guy too, but that didn’t really matter because from then on it was like ‘oh, I can do this.‘”
This first step (and the ones that followed) helped Holly break free from this rule that she wasn’t supposed to talk to anyone. And that led to a huge transformation for her:
“I used to just walk around with my head down and I remember one day after I was walking on the street and someone was walking towards me. And I put my head down and I was like ‘Wait, I don’t do this anymore‘ and I put my head up because I just don’t do this anymore.”
With that internal pressure gone and Holly’s rule about “I don’t talk to people” busted, everything changed. After a several baby steps, Holly was ready to attend a singles event, and we set a goal of talking to 5 different men that night. She actually ended up talking to so many men she lost count!
“I do still need to practice, but I’m so much better. Not just with men but with people in general. I got the mindset from Camille that starting conversations wasn’t about getting a date or getting him to like me but more like ‘Well why wouldn’t you talk to anybody and have a nice conversation?’ It completely enhances your life.”
She even ended up scoring a date at that singles event!
For Holly, the accountability of weekly coaching was definitely key to making these changes:
“For me, the accountability was huge. That’s where the big success was,” Holly said. “The fact that I did have to talk to Camille every week and that we were talking about relationships specifically. That’s where I had all these breakthroughs.”
Sometimes, we do need someone to hold our hand through the process and help us make the changes we need to make to get to where we want to go. With something like dating – that nobody actually teaches you – this is doubly true.
“Camille is great. I keep calling her Hitch for girls because I love that movie but it’s true.She’s like a personal trainer for relationships and she works with you and customizes her offerings to what you need to work on.”
While Holly hasn’t found a relationship yet, she does have a whole new outlook on life and starting conversations everywhere she goes. Her confidence is through the roof, and “I don’t talk to people” is a thing of the past.
Want to get the same incredible results as Holly? Apply for a FREE 60-minute Strategy Session call with me, where we’ll create a tailored action plan to reach your personal dating goals as quickly as possible. Click here to fill out an application and I will personally get in touch with you!
Dating is truly a process. Here’s how my client Ana finally got the results she’d wanted for years..
“Camille knows how hard it is to date and she gets that it’s not easy — it’s a process. She was very patient with me and she knew we had to take a different approach so she was like ‘okay, baby steps’ and she catered everything to me individually.” – Ana, 35, Doctoral Student
A single mom and PhD student, Ana hadn’t dated in 5 years. With her son getting older, she wanted to improve her ability to talk to anyone primarily for work reasons, but finding a partner would also be a nice side benefit.
Ana’s Story At a Glance
Single mother with demanding career
Would get very nervous speaking during work meetings
Looking to improve communication skills in general
Worked on confidence and body language to be softer and more open
Dealt with anxieties around how people were perceiving her
Stopped overthinking everything
Starting conversations everywhere she goes
Recognizes when people are flirting with her
Says whatever comes into her head
Got a date and is currently feeling things out with this new man
Ana’s Full Story
When Ana started coaching with me, she was a single mom, studying for her PhD, who hadn’t dated in over five years. She really wasn’t looking for help dating and was more interested in improving her social skills in general.
“I started working with Camille not to talk to men necessarily, but to be able to talk to anyone. In the future I’m heading towards — being a professor, and a business owner, and a writer — I wanted to make sure that, when I finally reach that dream, I’m able to communicate with and connect to other people.“
She knew that her current anxiety around conversations wasn’t serving her in her work life. And with her son getting older, she started to think it might be nice to have a relationship.
“Now that my son is 3 I feel like I’m a little bit more able to just go out. I don’t feel so stuck at home anymore. And there’s a part of me that’s like yeah I want a partner I want someone, you know, come home to and to share the bills with, but my son is what I care about the most.”
Ana had been to one of my in-person flirting classes in Chicago. Initially she had thought she was open to dating, but after the class realized that, even in her head, she was being very harsh in her communication with other people.
Ana loved my philosophy of “leading with the sweetness” when talking to people and realized there was a lot she could improve.
“I have this side business I want to launch, where I’ll be talking to parents and kids. And I’m working on my PhD, but I don’t come across very confident or very outgoing.“
Ana’s problems connecting to other people mostly revolved around how she was communicating with them. She was coming across much more harshly than she thought she was, and she would dominate conversations out of nervousness. She’d share everything right away, trying to be upfront and honest, and instead ended up being overwhelming.
“One of my issues was that I would just say everything. I wouldn’t stop to take a breath or let him speak, I’d just lay it all down for him. So you know after an hour conversation I’d feel like ‘Omg, I gave him my all and this guy didn’t call me back!’ and it was really disappointing.”
That disappointment wasn’t the only emotion Ana and I had to work through. She also had some mental blocks and anxiety around initiating conversations and talking to people.
“I was caring too much about people looking at me approaching other people and thinking that they would think I was weird. But then I realized that, when I look at those people, I don’t think they’re weird, I think they’re interesting. Those are the people you kinda want to be friends with because they know everybody.“
Even though Ana wasn’t focused on dating, our main focus for our coaching was really on flirting. Not because I wanted to change her mind about dating or push her to date, but because flirting is all about communicating with other people in a light-hearted, fun, and open way.
“At first I didn’t get it, it didn’t make sense to me why Camille wanted me to compliment other women but once I started doing it, it sort of clicked for me. It’s not about flirting to get a date. It’s about saying to people that you’re open to having a conversation and letting them know that and that change is huge.”
Flirting is really just connecting to someone else in the present moment, which is why it was perfect for Ana. Overthinking was a major problem for her, and in work situations she’d freeze up and not say anything, particularly in meetings. If she was going to be a professor and a writer and a speaker, this was something she needed to overcome.
By helping Ana learn more about herself and turn her focus inwards, she got more comfortable around other people and stopped overthinking things as much.
“Now at work I just say whatever pops into my head. Like, sometimes it’s super professional and sometimes it’s not the perfect thing to say, but I still say it because it’s better than saying nothing.“
But her most unexpected result is that she’s actually found a guy! One of the exercises I had her do was go to a singles event and talk to 8 men. It could be something super brief and short, or more in-depth, but I wanted her to start conversations with 8 different men that night, just to practice.
“I went out and I truly had no expectations that night (and there’s usually some ‘oh my gosh, is this gonna be the time when I meet him?’ going on in the back of my head).
Then I got there and there was this guy standing over there on his phone. I went up to him and was like ‘Hi, my name’s Ana’ and we ended up talking for over an hour. And when he had to leave I was like ‘are you gonna take my number or not?””
This alone was amazing progress for Ana! She was feeling comfortable enough to have real conversations instead of over sharing everything. But Ana went even further than that…
“Even when he left I continued to talk to men because, like, I had a quota. I had to talk to 8 men and I ended up talking to 13.“
This was amazing, and I was so thrilled for her! Through these conversations and changing her communication style, Ana started to change how she saw relationships.
Ana used to very black and white with her relationships in the past. If she didn’t like something (like smoking) it was a dealbreaker and the guy was gone. But she started to see that dating is a learning process — both for her and for him.
“I started realizing that it’s a learning process not just for me but for the guy, too. We’ve been giving each other opportunities to say ‘I don’t like this about you. It’s kind of a deal breaker for me.’ But I’m having more of a conversation than I would have before. We’re sort of saying, like, ‘let’s see how much we can be together and get to a point where we’re okay’.“
But the best part (and the part I’m the most excited about) is that Ana feels this way:
“The cool thing about Camille’s coaching is that, I know that if I found a guy who likes me just exactly as I am once, I can do that again.”
And that deep knowing that she has the skills to attract the kind of man she wants is priceless.
Want to get the same incredible results as Ana? Apply for a FREE 60-minute Strategy Session call with me, where we’ll create a tailored action plan to reach your personal dating goals as quickly as possible. Click here to fill out an application and I will personally get in touch with you!