We all have values. You know, those standards we try to live according to. They are the areas we give importance to. There are tons of them: independence, health, creativity, self-acceptance, God's will, growth, knowledge, strength, stability, adventure, kindness, world peace, reliability and so on. Have you thought about what your values are? Here are a few things to consider.
Where to Start?
It can be hard to think off the top of your head what it is that you value. Luckily, thanks to the internet, there are lists and lists of values already laid out. The Personal Value Care Sort exercise (W.R. Miller, J. C’de Baca, D.B. Matthews, P.L. Wilbourne, University of New Mexico, 2001) is great for helping sort through your values by putting them in one of the following three categories: very important to me, important to me or not important to me. What l like about this exercise is that it demonstrates how not all values are ranked the same in terms of importance. This knowledge can help in times when values compete. More on that in a bit. I always find it interesting that everyone's columns are filled differently. After completing the exercise, was there anything that surprised you? Were there some values of importance to you that you have been neglecting? Was there a time in your life when you were more aligned? If yes, what was different?
Our emotions are important sources of information. They are trying to communicate something to us. Next time, when you’re feeling guilty, unsettled or angry, stop and think if there is a value that’s been breached. This can help to identify what it is that’s of importance to you. Do you feel unsettled when running late? It could mean you value punctuality or reliability. Angry when someone keeps doing things for you that you think is reasonable to do for yourself? Maybe you value independence.
Sometimes They Compete and/or Contradict.
Humans hold many different values, and sometimes, two values that are both important, compete. For example, one may value health (sleep) as well as reliability. For many, sleep is often sacrificed in order to get an assignment or presentation done on time. Some may find ways to honour both (working ahead, delegating, etc). While others may take the hit grade wise in order to stay rested.
It is also possible to hold contradictory values, which can lead to cognitive dissonance (mental discomfort by holding two contradictory values). This is where DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) does a great job in advocating that two opposing things can be equally true. Just because your values are contradictory does not mean they (or you) are wrong. It is completely possible to value being social while also valuing solitude. When cognitive dissonance is present, try practicing radical acceptance, reminding yourself that "you are doing the best you can” and "it is what it is".
What’s Getting in the Way of Living According to Your Values?
Sometimes acting according to one’s values is hard! There are many influences and factors that play into why one does or doesn’t do this. Having a sense of awareness to the barriers present is an important step as it then allows you the opportunity to come up with a different approach or plan.
It can be helpful to think about how someone who is living according to value “X” would act, behave, think, carry themselves, engage, etc. Then, attempt to do the same. “Act as if” or “mimic” these behaviours until it becomes more natural or normal. If you value self-acceptance, people are likely showing themselves compassion and kindness (in words and actions). Start doing the same. It can also be helpful to have your values written down or typed out for you to see throughout the day.
Sometimes They Aren't the Same as Other’s.
Relationships can be difficult when the players within it hold different values. Of course, us humans, like snowflakes, are made up of differing values and beliefs. This doesn't mean we can't be in relationship with someone who doesn't value what we value, however, it does mean we will need to learn how to navigate these differences. Usually, we can learn a lot from these differences. Other times, the differences are too great and can be deal breakers within the relationship (such as if one person values monogamy whereas another person is wanting an open relationship). Having a third party, such as a therapist, can be helpful when trying to navigate these differences.
They Can Act as Anchors Admits Change/Uncertainty.
Life can feel pretty uncertain at times. There are many seasons of change that occur, some that leave us feeling untethered. The neat thing about values is that they go with you wherever you go. Yes, values can change over the course of time or experiences, however they are pretty constant pieces of ourselves. You typically don’t wake up one morning, all of a sudden, hating the value of fairness or creativity. Learn to trust this part of you and do your best to act according to them, especially in times of uncertainty.
We Feel Better When We Live According to Them.
Think about the times you acted in a way that was consistent with your values. Now recall a time when you didn’t. How did you feel? Likely, there’s a difference. If honesty is of high importance to you, it makes sense that you would feel unsettled after we told a lie. Keep this in mind, especially when it's tough to do so. Play the tape/situation forward and imagine how you'd react/feel by following or not following your values.
Having grown up surrounded by vast forests on the shores of Lake Superior, the beauty and power of nature has always been a part of my life. Admittedly, one I took for granted. I often feel land locked since moving to Guelph, although make do by enjoying the rivers that run through it and/or by visiting various trails that surround it.
In between my undergraduate degree and my masters, I took some courses in horticultural therapy*, taught by Guelph’s own, Mitchel Hewson. Having had a taste of horticultural therapy years before, knowing I was going to become a psychotherapist after my masters and my love of nature, it seemed like a good fit. I love, regardless of whatever the season, there are things we can take away from nature, applying them to recovery and/or health and wellness.
Sometimes, we have to go through trauma in order to grow. There are some trees, such as the Jack Pine or Aspen, that require fire in order for the resin on its pinecones to melt and open. Only after this can its seeds emerge. Now, I’m not saying, we should go out and burn down all the forests for this to happen. What I am saying, through the process of something initially thought as devastating, there can be benefits. Life teaches us lessons through various means. They don’t all occur after trauma, but some do. I often wonder if I would have learned about boundaries and assertiveness or the benefits of challenging distorted thinking at the age that I did without having gotten sick. Of course these skills can be taught/learned without trauma, but for some, it acts as a catalyst for growth.
We need to fertilize and water the soil in order for plants to thrive. I have a few plants, mostly in my office, that are in desperate need of fertilizer and nutrients. The leaves are dry and droopy, and the green isn't as rich as it can or has been. Just like plants, we too need to feed and water ourselves if we want to grow. We can do this by literally nourishing our body’s physical needs with food and water. We also have emotional, mental, social and spiritual needs tend to as well. Check out the post on self-care to learn more about meeting your 5 basic needs.
Bloom where you are planted… and when necessary relocate. The plants in my life are surviving… but they aren’t flourishing. The short winter hours and direction of sunlight are not optimal growth conditions. I know if I changed these conditions, it would thrive. I do think there is truth to trying to bloom where one is planted, and sometimes, you’ll do better if you relocate. I remember when I was in treatment, my friend sent me a quote: “Bloom where you are planted” (various sources cited). I get what she was trying to tell me: make the best of where you are right now, I know it’s tough, but it’s possible to flourish there. She was right. I could have dug my heels in and resisted treatment, or I could use that opportunity to grow. And, I did. But, there came a point where if I wanted to keep growing, I needed to leave.
Pruning required. Some trees require pruning for optimal fruit growth to occur. Otherwise, the tree will expend too much energy and nutrients in trying to feed all of its blooms and branches versus making a shorter distance to fewer branches. Sometimes it's fruit yield and quality suffers. We all do things that aren’t in our best growth interest. And, sometimes we do things that completely hinder growth. It's important, in the early stages of treatment, to focus on what solidifies recovery and builds a sturdy foundation. It's extremely difficult to prioritize this if there are 50 other demands requiring one's attention. There's only so much one can do before something gives. As your recovery/health/wellness strengthens, it's possible to take on more, however regardless of where you are in recovery, it's always good to take stock of where your resources are going and if its producing what you want.
Plant near other trees. As a kid, we had cherry trees growing in the back yard. The type of cherry tree we had required other cherry trees to be near by so they could pollinate each other. We too need one another for support and growth. We aren’t islands and don’t do well in isolation. Some need a lot of contact and stimulation from others to thrive, while others do better in smaller doses. One is not more right than the other. What's important is knowing and building the type of community that promotes and maintains growth.
I was watching a show the other night where contestants had to make their way through an obstacle course. One contestant found himself at the top of an obstacle, needing to jump across it in order to continue on. Simple enough right? Just jump? Worst case scenario, he doesn't clear the jump and lands in some water, foam or some other soft landing. Yet, he couldn't do it. He would reach out in preparation to lunge himself forward, then put his hands down as he decided on another approach. He'd do a squat, stand up, do another squat and so on. Up and down, step forward step back. He was mentally and physically stuck. And the longer he rethought his strategy, the harder it seemed for him to move forward. He eventually timed out.
We have all been there. We pass up an opportunity to go on a trip we've always wanted to go on, or we tell ourselves it's too late to learn a new skill or take part in a class of some sort. So, What can we do to help us move forward in reaching our goals or passions. How do we move past the fear?
Be Intentional and Act. Life has a way of passing us by and there are a lot of demands that bid one's attention. Set some time aside to think about what you want and what's getting in the way of moving towards it. In making these goals, don't forget to make them S.M.A.R.T. to increase their likelihood of fulfillment. Then, make a point of taking the next steps towards meeting your goal. Don't just think about it, do. Even setting 5 minutes out of your day to work on your goal is better than nothing! Just start!
Make a list of what you want to do and break it down. There is nothing too big or too small that can't go on this list. Write it down. Some things may take longer to complete than others. That's okay! In the beginning, try knocking off some of the easier goals to help build confidence, experience and momentum.
Once you've picked something, break down the steps of what needs to happen for your goal to reach fruition. Want to learn how to swim? A sub-goal might be calling your local pool to see when they offer lessons. You won't have to do this for every goal you want to accomplish (sometimes it's helpful to just jump in), however other times, it might make the larger goal more manageable. It can also help you stay on track!
Recognize Your Emotion. It's okay that the goal or desire may bring up some fear, trepidation or some other feeling. Fear doesn't mean we shouldn't do something. Emotions aren't the only one who has access to the drivers seat. There's difference between being overcome by your emotions and acknowledging their presence. Remember to balance your emotions (and sometimes distance or defuse them) by focusing on your values and/or rational (wise mind).
Take stock of your thoughts. Take a step back and check in to see if your thoughts are in line with your goals/passions/values. Challenge those thoughts that tell you you are too old or that it is too late. Also, watch out for those self-fulfilling prophecies. If you tell yourself you can't do pottery, you likely won't sign up for it, and you still will not have learnt how to make it.
Replace "No" and "I Can't" with "Yes" and "I'll Give It a Try". Pick a day to intentionally make an effort to saying 'yes' to things you would have typically said 'no' to. Have that as your goal for the day or week. See where that takes you. As always, safety is a priority. Common sense still applies. Unsure of what to say 'yes' to? Check it out with a therapist or trusted friend.
Build Accountability. Choose a few people you trust and tell them about your plans/goals. Learn which supports will encourage you versus those who tend to project their fears onto you. Think about what role you would like your supports to be. Need someone to accompany you? Would it be helpful to have someone check in on your progress every now and then? Maybe it's just helpful running your goals by someone else.
Don't Expect Perfectionism, Embrace the Process. You might completely bomb in your attempt and steps towards reaching you goal. That's okay! We can't be good at everything we do and there is nothing wrong with that. Don't use this experience as a reason to stop trying new things or to feed into your negative self-perception. Re-frame the experience and move forward in a more positive light!
What are your goals? What do you want to do next? Come on... let's start doing them!
There are those moments in life that stop you in your tracks and make you reflect. These moments often revolve around, although are not limited to, tragedy. I found myself in such an experience recently that made me reflect back to a time in my life when someone showed me kindness. Back then, I had a difficult time being able to show this to myself, let alone accept it from anyone else. When you struggle with low self-worth, it’s hard to understand or comprehend why on earth someone would go out of their way or do the unexpected for you. In this particular situation, the act of kindness came in the form of a black zip-up hoodie that was bought for me by a colleague, who left it for me for the next time I came to work. There were no-strings attached to this purchase. This person wasn’t “into” me. They were literally just being kind and thoughtful.
I can’t recall, at the time, how I responded. Did I say, “you didn’t need to do this” or “you shouldn’t have”? I can imagine I felt somewhat guilty. I bet I thought how I now owed them to somehow balance or justify the act of kindness versus simply allowing it. I likely didn’t tell them (although, I finally told them this past week, 11 years later), how much it meant to me. How, during this time, my life felt very lonely and isolating. My mental health issues weren’t at their best.
Now, I find myself in quite a different place. My self-worth is intact and present. How did I get here? Being into self-reflection, by trade and by personal curiosity, I have often thought about this over the years. As future volumes of wiTHIN come out, I do get into more detail regarding this process. In the meantime, here’s a few things that have shaped my journey to self-worth.
My School and Job: I didn’t always know I wanted to be a therapist. Although, when I figured it out, I knew helping others help themselves also meant I needed to do the same. I’m lucky that while studying, and now working, I get to talk about skills that foster health and wellbeing every single day… the same things I too need to practice.
Growing up, I had this one coach who told me they would never ask me to do something they hadn’t had to do themselves or at least weren’t willing to do. I carry this practice with me. It would seem strange if I said to my clients, “believe in yourself, have self-worth’ and yet didn’t share in this same belief.
Therapy: I wouldn’t be where I am without numerous mental health care providers who walked alongside me as I looked, avoided, took a break from, re-looked and worked on my stuff. I needed help to sort through all the distorted thoughts, beliefs and behaviours I had carried with me over the years. I needed to learn and implement (key word) what I was being taught in therapy. I didn’t get to where I am today overnight. It was a process and I stumbled a lot. I’m still human with insecurities. The difference is, I have a healthier way of dealing with them now, (and in the future) than I did years ago.
I also needed to learn what my values were. Not what I thought they ‘should’. I needed to figure out what I thought and held dear to me. Then, every day, attempt to live accordingly.
Modelling: Certain professors, therapists, colleagues, friends and mentors all had an influence on helping me realize my self-worth… because they themselves modelled it. I’d catch glimpses of it through their behaviour: how they carried themselves by holding their heads high and looked you in the eye, how they talked assertively, the way they took risks, the way they stood up for themselves and others, they way they implemented boundaries. All these interactions showed me there was another way other than how I was living my life. I then tried to mimic their behaviours. I did what they did in the beginning.
In time, I had to learn that my self-worth existed outside of these people. That was a hard lesson to learn. It scared me to say good-bye and to not have them in my life the various ways they had been. It took time to realize my self-worth was not dependent on them. I had to learn I could stand tall even if I didn’t hear it from them anymore. I needed to internalize it. I did internalize it.
Saying Good-bye, Welcoming Change: In learning what healthy relationships and behaviours looked like, both towards myself and others, I had to make changes in my life. There were some relationships I choose to say good-bye to, even if that meant feeling lonely at times. I needed to trust that as I got healthier, I would find healthy people. Sometimes they would fall into my lap, other times I had to take more action to find them. I also had to say good-bye to behaviours and lifestyle choices that did not foster self-worth. Whether that was the eating-disorder or other destructive coping mechanisms.
Learning to Say “Thank You”: In learning to accept my self-worth, I had to stop justifying why it was okay for me to have self-worth. I had to trust that as a human being, I had it. It didn’t matter what sport I did, what my weight was, who my friends were etc. Self-worth existed for the sole fact my heart was beating. No ifs, ands or buts. It just was what it was. And, because it was what it was, I had to stop trying to find a loop hole. I started by just saying “thank you” when other’s showed kindness or gratitude.
Realizing and Trusting Self-Worth Feels Better Than the Alternative: There comes a point when you have to do something different, because what you have been doing just doesn’t work any more. Building healthy relationships, getting enough sleep, eating properly, taking the time to self-care, using skills etc. feels so much better than when I don’t. It doesn’t mean there isn’t pain, hurt and tragedy in life, but I now don’t need to add to it by believing I suck, or that I can never change. It feels good to know people love me and to be able to accept it (boundaries still apply). I had to trust this feeling. And, in the beginning, it felt weird, strange and unfamiliar. Like most things, the more you expose yourself to it, the more you become accustomed to it… the more you can own it.
In high school, my most said expression was, "Stress me out". Check my yearbook, I'm not lying. I wish I did more to help myself out during this time other than simply vocalize it (although that's a start). I didn't have the skills then that I do now. If you have a pulse, at some point in your life, you will (and likely already have) experienced stress. It's not just something you experience while "adulting". It touches people at any age range. So, if it's part of the human experience, might as well learn some skills to cope and manage it, right? Right!
Stress Comes in All Forms. There's this misconception that stress only occurs in negative situations (ie: losing a job, financial pressures/worries, death, illness, injury, etc). Not so! Stress can also occur in positive situations as well (ie: having a baby, moving cities for a dream job, getting married, etc). These situations may be things you are looking forward to, but they are also, demanding something from you. Stress doesn't necessarily have to be foreshadowing of doom and gloom. Having an understanding that stress can occur in both positive and negative events can help us understand, prepare and/or cope.
Awareness. It can be helpful to take an stress inventory (such as the Holmes-Rahe Stress Inventory) to assess potential contributing factors. Sometimes, people know they are stressed, but do not know why. Or, they may brush off the events in their lives as 'nothing' when that 'nothing' might actually be 'something'. Stressful events can also build up. You may not have experienced the death of a spouse, but stress can still be felt through an accumulation of smaller events as well. Once you have awareness, then you can do something about it, and even be proactive!
Limits. It's okay to know what you can and can't manage. There is no shame in this. Knowing you are about to enter a stressful season might mean you don't take on anything 'extra'. Family coming to visit over the next holiday? It might be a good time to hold off on starting your kitchen renovations or decreasing your medications you've been hoping to get off of, etc. There's no need to be a martyr and take on more than you can handle. This will likely stress you out more, as well as those around you.
Food, Sleep and Exercise. The more and more I work in this field, I am constantly reminded and reinforced around the benefits of having a normalized, healthy relationship with food, sleep and exercise. Often, when one of these areas gets pushed to the sidelines, trouble is looming. Maintaining balance in these areas alsobuilds resiliency. Sure, things come up and your routine may get jostled around some. The idea isn't to be perfect, as it is to do the best you can in meeting each of these needs. Can't get outside for that hour walk you normally do everyday? 15-30 minutes is still better than nothing, or maybe you decide to go every other day. Thinking of staying up an extra two hours to study for that midterm? Let that temptation pass. Stop. Eat. Sleep. These things are so important. Your body, mind and mental health appreciate it!
Routine/Schedule/Normalcy. Don't try to 'wing it'. There is a benefit to having a plan when it comes to managing stressful situations/events. Try planning out what needs to get done and when. We don't always have the luxury of foresight, but there is something to say about following some sort of routine and schedule. A sense of familiarity can also be comforting when life gets thrown upside down. If you always enjoyed meeting with your Monday night bridge group, still try to do this. Whatever you are dealing with will likely still be there afterwards. Give yourself permission to do the things you can that bring normalcy as well as bit of a break. And, if bridge is the last thing you can handle right now, maybe you skip a week or three.
Check Your Thoughts. As always, being flexible in thinking can be helpful when faced with stress. Challenge those black and white, all or none thinking styles. Keep an eye on that part of you that easily jumps to catastrophizing. Be aware of the "shoulds" that sneakily find a way into our vocabulary that only puts unnecessary pressure on ourselves. Change what you can, accept what you can't.
Lastly, Get Help. We can't do everything on our own all the time. It's okay to need someone to help you during stressful times, whether it's an objective third party (ie: like a therapist or social worker) or a friend. It's okay to ask for and receive help!
Exercise, in everyone's life, is an important component to building a healthy lifestyle. When I say that word, what comes to mind?
Running? Sweat? Dread? Calories? Being toned? Hard work? Compulsion? Mandatory? Fun? Social? Movement? Distance? Time? Lack of time? Boredom? Pain?
I've written about exercise before; there are a few points I wanted to hit home a little harder. As always, talk with your doctor about how much and what kinds of physical activity is right for you, especially when you are in early stages of recovery from an eating disorder, illness and/or injury!!
#1 - Exercise is movement. And I mean any kind of movement. Walking, sex, gardening, stretching, swimming, mowing the lawn, yoga, lifting weights, getting groceries and so on. I often hear people say, "Oh, I only did 'X', that's not really exercise". It is. You are exercising a muscle when it is moving it. Have you ever sprained your ankle or hurt your back? You become very aware of how you used that muscle once you can't use it like you also did.
#2 - Build exercise (movement) into your life that is fun. #2 and #3 go together. Hate the gym? No worries, you don't have to exercise/move solely in that location. The same is true if you hate being outside to exercise. The important thing is to find something you enjoy doing (or at the very least can tolerate). For some it might mean exercising with friends while others may prefer to take a class with strangers. It might mean being on a sports team or participating in a solo activity. Whatever it is, life is too short to not at least find some enjoyment in what we do (especially if it is hard to do in the first place!). And, you are not very likely to participate in something you don't at least get some enjoyment out of.
#3 - Exercise (movement) doesn't have to take place in a gym. Expand your perception of where movement occurs. It could occur in a forest, a basement, on a sidewalk or trail. It could be occur in chlorine, fresh or salt water. It could be in hot or cold temperatures. On sand or on cement. One could be parallel or vertical to the ground when moving. Sky is the limit :)
#4 - Exercise/Sport isn't in and of itself 'Bad'. Sometimes, when working on recovery from an eating disorder, there's this mentality that exercise is bad. For some, exercise has been a major piece in the development of their eating disorder, or something that has easily led them into relapse. And, if this is the case, you will need to learn how to re-build a healthy relationship with exercise (this is where I would strongly encourage you to seek professional assistance when doing so). It is not exercise that is good or bad in and of itself as with most things in life, it's the relationship we have with it that is important.
#5 - Sometimes we do things in life because it's good for us, not because we love doing it. And, just because one loves it, doesn't mean its beneficial to do all the time. We know that exercise is a part of a healthy lifestyle. There are also many benefits that come with moving, such as positive affects on mood. Not everyone loves sports or moving. This does not mean one gets a 'pass' on needing to exercise. Sometimes, we move for the sole reason we know it is healthy to do so.
Resting is also important. So, just because you love moving does not mean it's healthy to move all the time either. Know your body and when it is telling you "I need to stop". It's also okay to stop even when your body tells you it still has more to give.
#6 - Practice mindfulness while moving. Take some time to notice what you are touching, smelling, seeing, feeling and hearing when you are moving. This will help to keep you grounded and more in tune with what is going on around you. You may even notice a few things around you that you never noticed before!
#7 - Know your "rules" around exercise, build cognitive flexibility. You are allowed to stay inside even on sunny days, just like rain doesn't mean you are bound to stay inside. You don't have to exercise just because you ate "X", nor do you have to feel bad if you took a day off to rest or would rather catch up with some friends instead. What I mean by "rules" is thinking that is rigid or inflexible, such as black and white, or all or none thinking. Take some time to be aware of what your "rules" are around exercise and see whether or not they are interfering with your enjoyment of the activity itself or your quality of life in general. Building cognitive flexibility into your life will help you navigate life more freely. It you notice you have some of these "rules", I'd encourage you to chat with a therapist or recreational therapist about ways to incorporate more flexibility.
Lately, in session, I’ve been talking with numerous clients about whether or not thoughts define us, as well as various biases humans are susceptible to that often keep us stuck cognitively. I thought it could be useful to address them both today.
Do our thoughts define us?
I’ve been quite open about the fact I have obsessive compulsive disorder. Simply put, one experiences obsessions (intrusive thoughts) and compulsions (behaviours to manage the obsessions). Thoughts of killing my family would flood my mind. At the time, I had no idea what was happening, or that it was a mental illness. I thought because I was experiencing these thoughts, they must say something about who I am. I thought I was a horrible human being, a daughter who should never be trusted, evil, and so on.
It took a long time in therapy, to get to the realization that my thoughts didn’t have to define me. That thoughts could just be thoughts. That I didn’t have to put a “value” on them as either good or bad. My being didn’t have to be in question just because something popped into my mind. Every thought did not need to be an internalization of who I was or am.
Capability also doesn’t define one’s worth or value. I wanted to believe that I could never be capable of hurting/killing the one’s I love (or other humans around me). I used to think that because I “thought” it, this somehow made me more capable. The truth is, we all have the ability to cause harm. Capability, just like thoughts, however does not automatically mean one will do it or that they want to do it.
Now, let’s just say, I have thoughts about myself that I don’t like. Perhaps, it’s a worldview or core belief. It is possible to change the way one thinks. Neuroplasticity is real! It’s helpful to take stalk of what drives our behaviour as well as how we think/feel about ourselves and others. With practice, we can go from changing negative self-worth into positive self-worth. From not believing recovery is possible, to having hope that it is and so on.
Okay, so, let’s agree that thoughts don’t have to define us. That one can let them come and go (I know this is easy to say. Practice is needed.) without having a value attached to them. The next part of this blog will explore are ability to take information in and the biases that shape our perceptions.
There are many different biases and cognitive theories that shape how we take in informaiton. I’m going to focus on two: selective attention and confirmation bias.
Selective attention occurs all the time. There’s a lot of information/stimuli out there, that we can’t take it all in at once. So, we have to filter the information, and usually, it’s the most relevant information.
The potential problem with selective attention is that we might miss some really important information (or gorillas!) that may be beneficial in moving us forward in recovery.
Confirmation bias results when we only pay attention to information/stimuli that confirms what you already think. An example would be if you have an eating disorder, and don’t think you’re sick. You might only pay attention to, and take in, the information that confirms or is consistent with this belief. It does not mean that there is not information out there that challenges this belief (ie: medical complications, social limitation, anxieties around food/weight/body image, ED behaviours, etc), but you aren’t giving it much thought/weight as it challenges your belief.
How does talking about bias and selective attention relate to the piece about thoughts defining who we are? If we don’t think highly of ourselves, we will continue to selectively pay attention to information and stimulus that confirms this belief, despite there being a plethora of information to the contrary. If we don’t think we can recovery, we will constantly take in information that keeps us stuck. If you think no one loves you, you might look past the positive relationships in your life.
So, what to do? As always, I’d encourage you do connect with a therapist in trying to figure some of this out. Experiment with being mindful of what goes on in your day, as well as your thoughts and reactions. Take stalk of what people are saying and how many people are saying it. Do you react more to one piece of information than another? When someone gives you a compliment, instead of brushing it off, take a second to hear it and recognize that your need to discount it might be you falling into confirmation bias. In some ways, this is what CBT thought records, or DBT’s Wise Mind, is trying to get you to do. To see another perspective. Experiment with opening the door a little. There just might be another angle to see.
I remember being paralyzed as a teen/young adult by trying to figure out the “right” decision, “so much so I’d be in tears. I’d repeat to myself, “I don’t know what to do! I don’t know what to do!” Most decisions felt detrimental to my future success or consequently, failure. My faith also played into this process. Doing “God’s will” was so important to me. If I wasn’t 100% certain that choosing “A” versus “B” was God’s will, I could’t make the choice.
Certainty is a funny thing. The more and more I grow, the more and more I am tolerant and accepting of uncertainty. It doesn’t bother me as it once did. I think there are many factors that play into this. I embrace the fact that I don’t know everything. That, I could, and will be “wrong” from time to time. Me being certain, on some level, implies I have all the information. So, when I was worrying myself sick about choosing“A” versus “B” in my teens/twenties, I thought I knew everything that I needed to. Information is always changing and growing. Iremember sitting in therapy one time, getting so upset at the concept that how we were doing therapy may not be how we’d be doing it in 10-15 years. That perhaps, a more effective way could emerge. Of course ongoing and future research will reveal more as it evolves with time. Can you imagine if it didn’t?
Uncertainty made me doubt. Not only myself, but the people and life processes around me. Does doubt have to play into the equation though? Could it be possible to accept uncertainty as just uncertainty, taking “right” and “wrong” out of the equation? I’m not saying throw all caution into the wind (although, that’s not always a negative thing), making impulsive decisions. Still take into account logic and rational, balancing the emotion, when decision making. It’s really hard to move forward if we never take the first step. A lot of life is what you make it of. There will aways be things that come our way that is out of our control. Just remember, in those experiences, we usually have a measure of control with how we react to it.
Experiment a little this week. When you catch yourself in those moments of “I don’t know what to do”, take a step back, balance the emotion with some rational (perhaps this involves talking with a therapist or trusted confident), and then take a step. Whatever happens, there will be more steps to take after that. Not everything in life is determined by that one decision. Happy decison making!
Developing healthy body image is a bit of a concoction… 1 part acceptance, 2 parts forgiveness, 10 parts self-compassion and so on.
To date, I have not met anyone who has never had periods of poor body image. I’m not saying they don’t exist, I just think it’s a human thing to experience at some point in life. And, unfortunately, for many, this experience is more than just a “period” in their life, versus what they have always known or experience day to day.
Often, we get caught up in what our body looks like… or perhaps, what it doesn't look like. The negative voices that dominate our thoughts telling us: I’m too bald, I’m not bald enough. I’m too short, I’m too tall. I’m too fat, skinny, wrinkly, pimply, and so on and so on. It’s exhausting. So, for today, I want to shift away from what our bodies look like and focus on what they do for us. Thanks to Eve Tesluk, a professional art therapist in Guelph, for introducing me to this exercise to do with my clients.
Thanks to my colleague Megan Callon for supplying me with the drawn figure you will see below to demonstrate an exercise I often do with my clients. As always, please note this drawing is just one of the many different shapes, sizes and forms bodies come in and is not meant to represent an 'ideal' (remember, health at every size!!). Also, the individual described below is fictitious.
Here’s a picture of what you will need.
I get clients to think about what they like to do and how their body experiences these things. Through colours and symbols, I get them to draw/colour where on/in their bodies they experience these activities. By doing so, we are moving away from appearance, and more on its function.
This individual below, appreciates their feet as it allows them to skate, their fingernails as they often get painted funky colours and their hair that allows them to express themselves in various colours and lengths. They enjoy watching movies, smelling nature and feeling the warmth of the sun on their shoulders and body. They appreciate their fingers and toes that help give them balance as well as to wear rings.They appreciate their ears and the ability to listen to sounds, especially laughing or the deep quiet the night can bring. When they feel empowered, they see it in orange, both in their mind and their heart. They enjoy their tongue/mouth as it enables them to eat ice cream.
They acknowledge the struggle they have with their thighs and stomach, however know without the strength that comes from these areas, they would be unable to do so much of what they love. They symbolized this to remind them these areas are their powerhouse that gets them through their day.
Often, the drawer will neglect symbolizing or colouring certain areas of their figure. More times than not, it is these areas that they need help with reframing or finding its purpose. Everyone will have a different reason for why they struggle with a particular area. Some feel betrayed by their body. Sometimes it’s finding the little things, like the fact skin helps contain our bits, blood and guts, protecting us from the world, that helps start developing a different narrative. It’s function doesn’t have to be mind blowing. It just has to be something that helps reframe how they think or see their body. Perhaps, it’s being thankful that one of their two ears can hear, or one of their two eyes doesn’t cause them pain.
And as always, developing a healthier or more tolerable relationship with one's body is a process. This exercise is just another way of exploring a different aspect of what are bodies can do, and in turn, part of who we are. Give it a try and talk it over with your therapist or trusted support. As always, practice compassion and think outside the box society likes to put us in! And, if you liked processing thoughts, emotions and issues through art, check out Eve Tesluk in Guelph, ON, or another professional art therapists in your area.
I don’t know about you, but when I don’t get enough sleep, I start to crumble. I am more sensitive, unmotivated, tired, and lose the ability to hold a level of rationality needed to balance myself emotionally. My reserves are tapped and I need those reserves!
As a kid growing up, sleep overs were awesome! It was fun to stay up late playing Nintendo, watching movies or reenacting scenes from Ninja Turtles. I was no treat to be around the next day if an early morning was in store or chores awaited upon getting home. I’m sure the gerbil cages could have handled another day… or week… before getting cleaned (I mean, even on a rested day, who wants to handle rodent poop!).
Enough rambling about 4 legged creatures or pizza eating turtles who live in sewers… Let’s talk about sleep hygiene. At some point in my early twenties, I realized how much I hated going to church, ringette or work half dead due to a late night shenanigans. It wasn’t worth it. Not the most popular of choices back then, but now I try as much as I can to protect my sleep (for everyone’s sake, but mostly mine!). I often hear clients talk about their lack of sleep. And, sometimes, it is related to their illness. Regardless of the reason, we could all benefit from practicing the following:
1) Start settling down an hour before you want to be asleep. If you know you want to be asleep by 11pm (let’s say), around 10pm, go pee, start brushing your teeth, wash your face, put your pj’s on, go pee again and hop into bed.
2) Get up after 15 minutes. If you’ve been tossing and turning for 15 minutes after trying to fall asleep, get up out of bed and return 15 minutes later. This can help reset your brain that it is sleep time.
3) Calm those thoughts with mindfulness. It’s frustrating when you’re trying to fall asleep and all you can think about is that history paper you still have to finish or that you aren't asleep yet. Take a moment and think about what you see (nothing because my eyes are shut), hear (light traffic outside, breathing), taste (good old Colgate), feel (the warm blankets) and smell (stale bedroom air). This will help bring your attention to the present instead of that battle of 1812. You can also think of your calm place discussed in previous posts. Maybe you’re in a old forest, in the spring time, with lovely little forest dwellers scampering around your feet. You hear the babbling brook nearby. It’s warm, yet cool from the shade. There are definitely NO mosquitoes or black flies. You can use these skills if you wake up in the middle of the night as well.
4) See’ya later screens! The lights from T.V.s or phones can be disruptive to falling or staying asleep. The brightness triggers your brain into thinking it’s time to be up and awake, versus settling to sleep. Put them away and try set your phone to 'do not disturb' to avoid 3am Tweets from your night owl friends (who will be grouchy in the morning from a lack of sleep).
5) Avoid stimulants. Caffeine, working out, reading/listening/watching captivating mysteries/murders and talking to aunt Ida who drives you up a wall, aren’t conducive in helping you fall asleep. Try finding soothing activities to do at night, like lighting a candle or listening to relaxing music (pick Enya versus Marilyn Manson, regardless of how beautiful the people are)..
6) Have a safety object on hand. Specifically for those who have trauma or nightmares and wake up distressed or in a panic, try designating a safety/calm item in your room. Maybe it’s a blanket, stuffed animal or clock. Having a designated object to look at when you wake up from a panic attacked/nightmare can assist in shifting your focus from distress to that of calmness. Remind yourself before going to bed that if you wake up in the middle of the night feeling panicked, with a racing heart beat and quick shallow breathing, looking at object “X” will remind you that you are okay and that it was just a dream/memory. Then, focus on your breathing and mindfulness skills and go back to sleep.
7) Temperature, noise and light. Dark, quiet and cold rooms are best for sleeping conditions. Some people prefer to have white noise if silence is unsettling.
8) Use your bedroom for sex and sleep only. Condition your mind/body to know your bedroom is for calming or sexual activities only. Take the TV and studying to the other room. I know this can be challenging if you are living in residence or have siblings/children, but the more you can separate these activities from sleep/sex, the better.
Medication is sometimes needed to assist with falling/staying asleep. Always talk with your doctor before going on any type of medication/supplement for sleep. The above skills are always worth learning. Knowing you have resources in your back pajama pocket may bring the peace of mind you just might (yawn)….. need in order to….(yawn)…. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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