I don’t typically like to talk about romantic love relationships because I truly like to focus on the specific person and their healing, but I feel the need to say something about it today. I guess that this message is coming from a place of frustration because I keep seeing and hearing men talking about how messed up women are and women talking about how messed up men are. Now from a woman’s perspective, I can say that I have been in some pretty messed up relationships with men that were absolutely terrible. I had children with someone who seemed completely incapable of love because he was completely and utterly broken. BUT I had to recognize within my own self that there was a space in ME that was broken as well because I allowed him into my life with all of his baggage and foolishness so what did that say about me? I had to heal myself from everything that was making me someone who was willing to accept the unacceptable. And men, the same goes for you as well. If you were involved with a woman who may have cheated on you, or lied and did all kinds of horrible things to you, then you have to ask yourself what part you played in that catastrophe. I am saying this because we as people have a tendency to do 2 things. One is we put all of the blame on the other person that was in relationship with us and fail to recognize that we played a part in the situation too. Actually, we played the main part because WE have control over who comes, goes or stays in our lives! We may not be able to control their actions, but we can tell them when it’s time to go! So if you saw all of the signs that a person was no good and you let them continue to be in your life, then you participated in your own pain by letting them stay in your life longer than they should have. The second thing that we tend to do is make blanket statements about men and women based off of negative experiences that we may have had in our past relationships. i.e. All men are dogs, all women just want a man for his money, all men cheat, all women will leave you once you fall on hard times etc. etc.. Now, we ALL KNOW that this isn’t true!!! AND when you make blanket statements like this, it becomes a part of your reality because you’re attracting the very things that you don’t want DIRECTLY to you AND you’re making yourself the victim in these situations when what you should be doing is looking for the weakness within yourself so that you can correct it and move forward. So, what you can do to put yourself in the right mind space so that you can actually attract the kind of relationship that you want is:
-Take accountability for the part that you played in your past negative relationships. The person that you were with wouldn’t have been there if you didn’t invite them!
- Do a self-evaluation and take a close look at how you met that person, what they were like when you met them, how long you knew them before being intimate with them and what warning signs you glided over at the very beginning. That way, you’ll know what to look for going forward and you can catch yourself if you see yourself making some of the same mistakes that you made in the past.
-Don’t make blanket statements about the opposite sex. That’s how you make yourself the victim. Keep your experiences to your specific experience and don’t hold everyone else accountable for how you were hurt! Don’t bring that into something new. You can certainly talk about it so that the new person is aware of it, but don’t keep bringing it into your present situation. That’s not fair to the new person and it shows that you haven’t completely healed.
-Don’t date if you haven’t worked on yourself! You have no business being with anyone if you haven’t taken steps to improve who you are as a person! You can’t expect things to change or to get better if you don’t take steps to make them better. Only you can heal yourself.
“Get up from the table when love is no longer being served”…I know that you’ve probably heard that quote from Nina Simone before and it is so absolutely true! BUT, I would also like to add the following: What if love was NEVER served to begin with? How did you get to the table in the first place? I think that this is something that a lot of us tend to overlook whenever we get into “relationships” with people in the first place. For some of us, we are so happy to finally have met someone, that we are completely willing to overlook the fact that they TOLD US in the very beginning with their actions that they didn’t want to be serious right now. Or that they told us with words that they don’t see themselves getting married. But something happens in a woman’s head that flips all of that around to mean, he’s just saying that because he hasn’t seen how wonderful I am, but once I prove it to him, he’ll change his mind. No ma’am…that doesn’t work and we have to stop it. Ladies, we are way too smart to keep letting our need to be in a relationship cloud our judgement when it comes to the men that we meet! We have to be willing to keep our standards high and our minds disciplined in order for us to get what it is that we want! We can’t keep falling into situations that somewhere inside of us we KNOW are going to end badly! I know that it is hard when you want to be with someone or when you see potential in someone, but seeing their potential means nothing if they don’t see it in themselves! So, the next time that you want to enter into a relationship with someone, try the following:
Listen to him! I mean, really listen to him! Don’t let the way that he smells, the way that he looks and the way that he dresses cloud your judgement! Ladies, I know that this can be HARD, but you have to take those factors out so that you can learn what the man’s character is like. He will tell you everything that you need to know about what his intentions are if you actually listen to the words that he’s saying as well as the silence in between those words!Don’t let your feelings get the best of you and please give yourself time before you make the decision to sleep with him. If you actually want a relationship, then you should already have your list of your qualities that you’re looking for as well as your non-negotiables! That way you will be prepared before hand and there should be no confusion because you’ve already listed what it is that you’re looking for. Stick to the list!!Don’t look at this man as someone that you could marry right when you first meet him. Ladies, we are sooooo guilty of this and I know because I’ve done it. Putting our minds some place that it doesn’t need to be is making us move way too fast in these relationships. We’re investing way too much, way too early! We are calling someone our man 1 or 2 months into meeting them and by month 6, we figure out that we don’t even like the guy and sometimes by then, we’ve already given so much of ourselves that it makes it hard to walk away even when the situation sucks! And heck, some of us have even gotten pregnant at that point and that’s a major problem because now you’ve brought an innocent life into the mix!
What I’m trying to say is, please, take your time when you’re meeting someone. Some of us are pulling up to the table when we should still be standing and it is putting us in situations where we’re becoming single mothers, our hearts are getting broken and we’re leaving these situations worse off than when we first got into them. So have fun! Get to learn all that you can before you start investing everything that you have. Have REAL conversations, not just one where he keeps telling you how beautiful you are every 5 minutes. Your mind, body and soul will thank you for it.
I basically procrastinated all day because I knew that this particular interaction today between me and my baby boy was going to be horrible. Now, you may be wondering what interaction could be so awful between a mother and son and how I knew that it was going to be horrible. Well, my dear son is autistic and he HATES having his haircut and you guessed it, today was the day that it needed to be cut. My son, who will be 14 in about a month, has ALWAYS hated having his hair cut. For as long as I can remember, it has always been a struggle. You would think that with time he would have adjusted to this process, but I honestly think that this will be a lifelong issue with him. Anyhow, this isn't really the main topic of my little story here. I wanted to talk to you all about how in the past, I would get so much anxiety around cutting my son's hair because I knew what it was going to entail and I also knew that I would be doing it alone, which would definitely bring up some animosity, anger and even rage in my heart with my son's father. As I've stated in previous blogs, I have basically been a single parent since both of my beautiful children were conceived and throughout the years, it has been difficult at best to get their father to do anything for them and helping with his son's hair cuts was one of those things. Needless to say, this hadn't sat very well with me and it made me angry every time I had to chase my son around with clippers in hand and know that he and I were going to be alone in this and that we were going to basically fight for 30 minutes to get this haircut done. I always hoped that one day their father would get it together and just step up and help me with this and other things, but he never did. I can remember times when I would get done with my son's hair and we'd both be sweating, crying and covered in hair on the bathroom floor. My tears though would soon turn into rage and I'd call his dad and just explode on him. How dare he leave me to deal with this on my own. Out of all of the things that he willingly skipped out on, this was the one thing that brought me the most grief and it angered me that he couldn't even show up and help, especially being that he knew how difficult it was to get it done! But at the end of those calls or texts, he still could care less and I was still left in the same situation that I was in before I lowered my positive energy and decided to start a fight out of frustration. Today however, and for the past 8 years, I have taken a different approach. My son and I get through the horror, (although I may procrastinate to get started) we clean up the mess and we move on. I no longer call or text their father for anything. I no longer let anger, heartache and pain dictate how I react when dealing with their father or anyone else for that matter. And I have slowly but surely gone through the process of forgiveness so that I can set myself free. When you forgive, no matter how negative the circumstances, you take your power back! You choose how you are going to deal with the person. You don't come out of character and curse them out and talk about their momma (yes, I have done this) and furthermore, you realize that you can't make someone do what they KNOW they're supposed to do and neither should you want to. That isn't your job. I realized that I only have control over what I do and don't do and I decided to choose my own peace and sanity over letting him have it. I take comfort in the fact that the things that he doesn't do, are the things that he will have to answer for one day and that has nothing to do with me. So, the next time you feel that something is totally unfair and you want justice, just know that you are only responsible for you and you hold the key to your own peace and happiness. Don't give that power away to ANYONE! Just keep doing the very best that you can and you will definitely be rewarded in the end.
The relationship with self is one if the most important relationships that you can have because it literally affects every area of your life. How you feel about yourself is also reflected in the way that you treat others. Think about all of the people that you interact with on a daily basis. Your kids, parents, friends, siblings, classmates, co-workers and even just regular people off of the street all have to interact with you. What type of person are you giving them? I remember years ago driving my kids home after a long and extremely stressful day at work and completely being mentally “checked in” to the office and and completely “checked out” of the present moment. Needless to say, I was not a very pleasant mom on those trips home and it wasn’t until one day my precious little daughter asked me why was I so grumpy? When she asked me that, I remember literally shaking my head as if snapping myself back into the present moment. I asked her what she meant and she told me that she noticed that every day when I pick her and her brother up, that I am in a really bad mood and she didn’t understand why. Of course this just broke my heart because I hadn’t even realized that my bad mood was actually affecting my kids and had I had known that, of course I would have done what I needed to do to not be that way anymore. It was at that moment that I started doing some work on myself and really checking back in with myself. It is so easy to lose sight of who you really are with the busy lives that we live today and so that is why it is absolutely critical that you make sure that your relationship with SELF is where it needs to be so that you can give what you need to those around you which is love, kindness and being completely PRESENT! With that being said, I’d like to share with you 3 super easy ways that you can increase the quality of the relationship that you have with yourself so that your true self is reflected onto others.
Take time for self-care!! Women really have a lot of issues with this because we often have so many people relying on us to get things done and it is easy to forget about ourselves until we just literally fall apart. I know you’ve heard this before, but it is true and very important. You have to take care of yourself so that you are the absolute best version of yourself AND so that you are ABLE to continue to do all that you do.Clear up all of the crap from your childhood/past that are showing up in your present. All of the pain, heartache and abuse don’t belong in your present and the truth is, all of that stuff is so sneaky that you may not even be aware that it is showing up the way that it is in your life. On the other hand, if you are aware that you have some things that need to be cleaned up in your life that are affecting you in a negative way, then you need to get on that. There are way too many people out here that want to help you for you to still be holding on to that. You will never be able to be truly successful, truly joyful, truly present or truly ALIVE unless you deal with your past. It’s just not going to happen.Spend time every single day building up your spiritual connection. I’m not just talking about religion here. I’m talking about reconnecting every day with the God/Universe. You can spend time in prayer, in meditation or just sitting quietly by yourself before everyone in your house wakes up. Let the first 15-20 minutes of your day belong to you and God. Not only does this recharge you and help get your day started, but it is during this time that you express the desires of your heart and also get the answers that you need to hear.
So, those are my 3 tips. I hope that they help you like they have helped me. There aren’t always going to be perfect days, but these changes will definitely start to get you the results that you desire.