Approximately 400 hours of video are uploaded to YouTube
As anyone who’s clicked “filter by recent results” will
testify, the vast majority of this content is proof, if it were needed, that
humankind is hurtling towards its inexorable demise, and that 200 years from
now the last of our knuckle-dragging descendants will crawl back into the sea, never
to be seen again.
While this soul-crushing avalanche of dreck does not discriminate (all languages, ages and topics are catered for), one of the biggest contributors is, without doubt, the fitness industry.
If this content had an aroma, it would be that of an overflowing nightclub toilet which in addition to miscellaneous human effluvia has been seasoned with dead turtles, vulture vomit and cat piss.
After sitting through hours of footage to research this article, I have no hesitation in saying, quite conclusively, that fitness Youtubers are such terrible humans that, in the distant post-human future, their legacy will live on in whispered interdimensional warnings, alongside genocide, slavery and Noel Edmonds.
Here are the very worst offcuts from this fetid trough of societal offal…
Watch if: you think all meat eaters should be showered in napalm
Vegan Gains (real name Richard Burgess) is so unlikeable he would make a Nazi sodomising a unicorn with a barbed wire dildo seem like an affable chap.
Ostensibly a promotion of vegan values in relation to bodybuilding, his channel also delights in misogyny (women are rebuffed as “fucking bitches”), taunting cancer patients, and chiding his own grandfather for a fatal heart attack (“he ate meat so he deserved it”).
Each video consists of Vegan Gains, looking like what would
happen if you stretched the skin of a boy over the body of a ring-tailed lemur,
parroting some dubious pro-vegan studies, performing crackpot sketches, and calling
anyone who eats meat a plague on humanity.
This unhinged torrent of vitriol is, however, betrayed by
eyes that have known deep sorrow.
This is quite clearly someone who is trying to repress some deeply
disturbing childhood memories.
Look closely and you’ll see, every now and again, a look of horror play across his face as he recalls, perhaps, Daddy executing his only friend, a hamster, with a bolt gun, or Mummy making him darn and disinfect some second-hand condoms.
His waspish demeanour (the result of gene splicing with a crow during insemination?), whiney voice and self-righteous, obnoxious attitude come together to create something so odious I feel the need to invent a new word – megatwunt.
This is as much as I can do without resorting to hand gesticulations
so violent I would dislocate both of my shoulders.
Despite preaching the health benefits of veganism, Richard hardly glows with vitality.
Instead, his appearance more closely resembles that of a 14-year-old who has recently discovered internet porn and hasn’t left his self-styled masturbation grotto in 2 months.
In brief: fake natty conning teenagers out of their pocket money
Watch if: your
favourite natural lifters are Rich Piana and Kai Greene.
Simeon Panda has a physique so unnatural that if he started growing scales, speaking parsletongue and rotating his head 360 degrees it wouldn’t seem terribly irregular.
Yet he relentlessly lays claim to being 100% “lifetime natural”,
just so he can flog cookie-cutter workout routines to gullible teenagers and
earn sponsorship deals from equally culpable supplement companies.
It’s “just a combination of consistency, great diet and intense training”, he says, with all the conviction of a Catholic minister whose excuse for polishing a 6-year-old’s ballbag with talcum powder was that he “believed it to be a porcelain statue of St Francis of Assisi”.
According to Panda, the reason he looks so cartoonishly massive is that “when I get a good pump I literally grow about 1/3 bigger lol”, and the reason he looks bigger than Arnie naturally is because he trains harder, despite not even being genetically disposed to bodybuilding.
In one video he ‘proves’ his drug-free credentials by passing a polygraph test.
Just to put this into context, this is the same method Jeremy Kyle uses to prove whether or not some toothless arse thistle who claims she once gave birth to a barn owl is telling porkies.
I don’t care how many lie detector tests you pass Simeon, you look like the lovechild of a roast turkey and a minotaur, which is pretty bloody conclusive to me.
Perhaps he’s been lying for so long he can no longer discern fact from fiction.
It would be great if his next ebook is just one big cheese-dream which slips out unchecked.
Imagine some poor sod forking out £55 to learn that lean muscle gain can be facilitated by bathing in spaghetti, dressing as a 16th century Russian Cossack and riding around on a giant badger.
On the subject of dreams, I have a recurring one in which Simeon Panda is mauled in slow motion by a stampeding heard of buffalo while Mozart’s Requiem plays pianissimo in the background.
It’s so beautiful I wake up in tears.
In brief: narcissistic twatcast from shirtless spunk valve
Watch if: you want
to cringe so hard your face becomes a fist
Where to start with Connor Murphy… a man whose personality
is the aural equivalent of a lumpy fart.
Connor’s videos consist of him wondering around like a lobotomised penguin looking for women to show his naked torso to.
In most videos, there’s a ruse to going topless, whether that’s to prove that abs are more important than fashion sense or that all women are basically cock-crazy sex lunatics .
In fact, I’m being pretty generous by describing any of these situations as a ruse, because, fact of the matter is, this bumwipe would cite being asked his name by a Starbucks barista as reason enough to go shirtless.
It’s like he underwent Pavlovian conditioning as a boy to
remove his clothes every time he senses a vagina within a 10 metre radius.
Here’s hoping he was also conditioned to toss himself into a
woodchipper before he ever gets to procreate.
Suffering through these videos is like a workout for your
If you can manage to get all the way through a single video without hitting pause every two seconds, your face will feel like it’s witnessed, first-hand, the thermonuclear explosion of a white dwarf.
In one ‘prank’ video that has to be seen to be believed, he accosts a young lady in a supermarket, takes off his shirt, scampers up a pole, and then performs pull-ups from a hanging beam.
All while this poor girl looks on with the faintly
embarrassed look of someone whose nan has just referred to “brown people” at a
In brief: fitness advice from someone you wouldn’t trust to boil an egg
Watch if: you want every happy memory you’ve ever had slowly and painfully sucked out of you
Imagine sitting on a pine cone covered with ants, repeatedly
punching yourself in the head and shouting “DUH DUH DUH” as loudly as you can.
This goes some way to simulating the experience of sitting
through a Brittany Dawn video.
Looking like the result of a union between Beaker from the
Muppets and a blow-dried hamster, Brittany Dawn is a self-styled “fitness
A label that, nowadays, carries about as much weight as a
degree from Hull university or a childrearing reference from Rolf Harris.
Her fitness tips (“Tips to avoid bloating”, “Best mochachinos for weight loss”, “5 key steps to a sexier perineum”) seem like they were gleaned from a woman’s magazine supplement that has been fed through a shredder and then reassembled by a gibbon with a glue gun.
But of the many crimes this spunkbarrel has committed in the name of views, it’s Brittany Dawn’s ethical bankruptcy that riles most.
This is someone who exploits young girls with eating
disorders to flog “personalised” nutrition plans (all identical) which are
essentially directions to starve yourself.
Then when her clients complain that her services are, to paraphrase Nelson Mandela in his review of Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, “a load of fucking shite”, Dawn refuses refunds and blocks the client.
So prevalent, in fact, are her scammy business practises, that a Facebook group has been established to catalogue and draw attention to her various swindles.
A woman with the integrity of a shotgunned cowpat, Brittany Dawn is someone who would do literally anything to raise her profile.
Punch a squirrel in the face?
In a heartbeat.
Film a recruitment commercial for a cabal of satanic
Fashion the skin of a murdered baby into a bongo drum and
beat out the rhythm of a Nazi death hymn?
Tick (in fact I think she’s already filmed a video for that).
In brief: monotonous lifestyle videos from a charmless personality vacuum
Watch if: Looking
at a chest of drawers sounds like a fun way to spend an evening
If your idea of 30 minutes well spent is watching HD footage of the world’s dullest automaton working out, driving a car, grocery shopping, and giving motivational speeches about eating grilled chicken, then meet Christian Guzman.
A man with all the personality of a box of freshly wrapped tupperware, Guzzman is living proof that people will watch anything.
His staggeringly boring “lifestyle” videos, which frequently
clock in at over 30 minutes (!), have amassed thousands of views, presumably by
a demographic of easily impressed six-year-olds, gurning morons and
Watching his videos, Guzman’s inflated sense of self-worth is such that you’d be forgiven for thinking he’s been awarded a Nobel Peace Prize or achieved some history-making feat of athleticism.
In reality, the sum of his endeavours is maintaining a lean physique, selling t-shirts and spouting motivational platitudes cringier than a middle-aged geography teacher dancing to Gangnam Style at the school disco.
Even footage of Guzman walking his dog or eating falafel is edited to make it look like the tightrope scene from Man on Wire.
This is a guy so vain he would botox his ballsack to make it
look more aesthically pleasing.
He also looks like the sort of person who can only achieve orgasm while listening to his own pre-recorded words of encouragement (“Come on Christian, aim for the moon, if you miss at least you’ll be among the stars…”).
As Guzman is clearly hellbent on documenting every facet of
his life, here’s hoping that his eventual downward spiral into opiods and cinnamon
rolls after contracting weapons-grade ghonorreah brings on a mental breakdown
so unprecedented he slowly osmoses into the fabric of the cosmos, never to be
Jesus Christ suffered on the cross so we wouldn’t have to.
In a similar way, I’ve watched these videos so you will
never have to.
So, yes, that does make me a Christ-like figure, although
one with infinitely more capacity for suffering, as crucifixion doesn’t even
come close to approximating the torment of watching Christian Guzman eating
porridge in slow motion.
Maybe one day I’ll uncover a fitness channel which is truly brilliant and epoch-shattering, then again it’s more likely that I’ll live to see the royal family admit that the Queen actually died in 2001 and all her subsequent public appearances have actually been performed by Andy Serkis in a motion-capture suit.
I’m out – if you think I’ve missed any channels from this list, please comment below…
Hitting a plateau is one of the most frustrating experiences that can befall any lifter.
It’s up there with getting injured, waiting 30 minutes for the squat rack to become free and your great aunt Marjorie trying to convince you that a banana contains just as much protein as a joint of beef.
As any seasoned lifter will tell you, the moment you stop adding weight to that bar is the moment your muscles start to sag, your testosterone levels plummet and your penis shrivels up like an erupted fish arse.
But what to do?
Slit a chicken’s throat over the dumbbell rack?
Write to your local MP?
Forget the iron for good, take up cycling, grow an inflated sense of self-worth and enrage every other road user by flouting traffic laws and just generally acting like a flowering geyser of piss?
Fortunately, the answer is none of the above.
In fact it’s pretty simple.
If you want to get bigger and stronger, then, to quote Greg Nuckols, the most reliable way (though not the only way) is, quite simply, to do more.
Increasing volume to increase gains is certainly not a new concept – it was taken as gospel by the ‘golden era’ crowd, and was preached from pulpit of gains by one of bodybuilding’s most-loved personalities.
Although he didn’t win any Mr Universe titles, his many appearances in ‘Your Physique’ and ‘Muscle Power’ magazines eared him wide renown.
Leroy Colbert’s magazine cover shots were striking to behold, looking like something dreamt up by Lysippos after a few too many bottles of cabernet sauvignon.
Although it was his arms that secured Colbert a place in history (he was the first man in history to grow 21-inch biceps), his chest was equally magnificent, combining dense major pectorals, a clearly etched serratus and upper pectorals which flared flawlessly outwards, dwarfing those of his peers.
Colbert was a lifelong proponent of the full-body approach to building muscle and his routines involved high volume, typically calling for six sets of 6-10 reps per body part.
In addition to this day-on, day-off foundation, Colbert prescribed a series of volume-spiking ‘blitzes’ to maintain constant progress.
Writing in the January 1959 edition of ‘Muscle Power magazine, Colbert introduced this routine in an article entitled ‘Compel your chest to grow with a seasonal super set blitz!’.
Much like Colbert’s ‘Full Body Blitz’, which we covered previously on the blog, the routine is designed to force continued muscle growth after a period of stagnation, but, this time, with a focus solely on the chest.
Colbert, whose own chest measured in at a bulging 52 inches, cited this particular routine as his tried-and-tested answer to flagging gains.
Built around super sets and drawing on the Joe Weider ‘flushing principle’, this routine amps up the volume of chest work to “holy-jesus-I-can’t-feel-my-arms” levels in order to manipulate progress.
Straight arm lateral raise
Parallel bar dip
Push-ups between benches
‘Round-the-world’ or ‘flying’ exercise
Incorporate the blitz into a standard three-day-per week full body workout for a period of three weeks (nine workouts in total).
Repeat every three months.
The blitz should take an hour to complete, so if your typical full body workout takes an hour, set aside two.
Place the blitz at the beginning of your workout when your energy levels are high in order to get the most from it.
Super set method
Both exercises in each ‘group’ should be supersetted.
For example, in group one, perform one set of eight reps on bench press and then immediately – without pause – perform one set of eight reps on straight arm lateral raise.
Take a quick 30 second breather (no more) and repeat.
Then take another 30-second pause and perform the final super set.
On completion of each group take five minutes rest (you’ll need it) before starting the next one.
For all exercises, select a weight which will allow you to perform all prescribe reps without hitting failure.
To perform this exercise, hold two dumbbells over your thighs while you lie supine on a bench.
Raise the dumbbells (they should touch over the thighs) upward and backward until they are directly back of the head and in a horizontal position to the floor.
At this point the arms are separated, each coming down its own side until both again meet over the thighs.
It’s really just a giant ‘fan-like-movement.
How many times have you seen frustrated gym-goers perform the same sets and reps, month after month, and make no progress?
Assuming there are no fundamental errors with the routine itself (i.e. absence of main compound lifts) and technique is good, not increasing volume is usually the culprit.
Bottom line: if your chest has stopped growing then increasing training volume will increase gains.
A word of caution, however.
Leroy Colbert’s Super Set Chest Blitz is not something to be entered into lightly.
If your typical workout is essentially an hour of checking Instagram with a few bicep curls and flys thrown in when the hot receptionist looks your way, then you’re in for a shock.
Nine workouts of this and you’ll have proof enough that a sadistic god presides over the weight room.
And, as with any workout that places high stress on the body, it’s important to reiterate that lifting weights does not make you big and strong; recovering from lifting weights makes you big and strong.
Make sure you’re getting enough calories, protein and essential nutrients to fuel growth, and make sure you’re getting at least eight hours of interrupted sleep every night.
If these two factors aren’t in place it doesn’t how much volume you’re working through, you won’t make any sustained progress.
Over to you
Thinking of giving Leroy’s chest blitz a whirl?
Any comments or questions about this routine?
I’d love to hear from you in the comments section below!