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If you’re a man, whether a self-proclaimed “nice guy” or a self-appointed “bastard” you probably caught yourself nodding your head in agreement when you read the above headline.
Heck, as a man I know I did once. I have to admit I was a “non-bastard”. A “down-to-earth, always respectful of women, always gave in to make any woman happy – nice friggin’ guy”, who had absolutely zero power in my relationships and with women.
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Karuri Muthaka (no, I’m not the famous chief) and I was lucky enough to go to college at a young age. My teenage years were rough – all my male friends were getting girls, so the pressure got to me. And I had to ditch my video games and find girls too. Worst days of my life.
I’ll be the first to admit that being a Nice Guy never got me anywhere… Well, I can’t say that that’s entirely true: I did get used a lot. BUT I will say that it was apparent the “bastards” always, always got luckier with the women than I did. I got their rejects, their not-so-left-overs.
For a long time, I thought I was the problem. And everything felt like a cruel joke. I thought I was singled out as being a “nice guy freak of nature”. I thought all the “non-bastards” were getting lucky except me. I mean come on! EVERYONE said you needed to be a romantic “nice guy” to have success with women! Turns out the whole “nice guy” thing was malarkey. Pure & simple crap. Probably put together a long time ago by a group of mothers living out their “evil plan” to keep their sons from dating girls that didn’t meet their high standards!
But not only did it keep their sons from dating “bad girls”, it kept them from having any fun, and from forming relationships with terrific women that lasted longer than one night!
Sadly, I was one of the idiots that bought into the “nice guy” story – hook, line & sinker. And with it, my sex life and love life were both doomed to utter failure (or just about).
And – like I said before – I thought I was alone in the world… the only “non-bastard” that wasn’t getting any. The only “non-bastard who kept getting cheated on, used, and dumped – over and over again.
Eventually, I managed to “bastard” my way into a successful relationship and get married to a wonderful woman – well, not yet married, but almost there. But I’ve never forgotten all the fun I missed out on when I was single because I was a wretched “nice guy”.
In later years, much to my own satisfaction, I at least had the pleasure of talking to other guys that experienced the same thing during their single periods of life. The guys who played the “nice card” with virtually every woman and got “shut out”, cheated on, or dumped far more often than the “bad boys”… Ah yes, “Bad boys” – that was our nickname for them. “Bad boys”, “Bastards”, “Jerks”… in our definition, they’re all the same.
You see being a “bastard” in my context isn’t about becoming a woman-beater or abusing women with words or emotions, and definitely not about becoming more aggressive as most ‘nice guy’ book authors erroneously claim it is… It’s more about following one simple little rule – Being a Man
Here’s my not-so-biased opinion on why women will choose “bastards” over you, the “nice guy”
Being clingy is not as cute as they taught you in the movies. It is true that women want you to make time for them, but they also don’t need you to be always around. You obviously have things to do too, and it’s okay to be selfish and choose yourself sometimes. Saying yes to all her demands doesn’t make her more attracted to you. If anything, it makes you look weak.
You’re always judging the “Bastards”
They may be jerks, but it’s not your place to judge them. And let’s face it. The only reason you sneer at the bad boys is because you wish you could be more like them and less like you. Deep down, you wish you could command women like they do. But you don’t have to feel sorry for yourself. Embrace your “nice guy” persona, and be comfortable with it.
So how do you avoid the rejection and manipulation while still being yourself? Easy. Just learn to work on yourself. Get a job. Keep in good shape. Surround yourself with people who share your personal interests. Your life will naturally start to brighten up, and that glow is what will attract the right woman for you. She is probably just a smile away
Yeah. So, I’ve actually watched a few of those Nicholas Sparks movies.
Now before anyone accuses me of being a girly girly, I’ve only watched a handful. And in my defense, I was a raging hypersensitive drunk at the time. And I really enjoyed a good cry and a sappy movie set in the Carolinas.
Now that I’ve sobered up, I’m still a somewhat sensitive guy, but the overall sappiness of what I watch is pretty much limited to How I Met Your Mother reruns. And American Pie 2. That part at the end where Jim goes running up to Michelle and 3 Doors Down is playing just gets me every time.
Anyway. That being said, I wanted to write a super romantic-palooza post for all those who missed the Valentine’s Day fun. Needless to say, I drew a blank.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I haven’t always sucked at being Mr. Romance, but apparently this year, my ability to come up with a romantic thought is right on par with that of an earthworm.
Then it hit me. If this Nicky Sparks fella can write a movie, or a book, or whatever the hell it is he writes, so can I!
Without further ado, here’s my blockbuster romantic movie screenplay thingy…just something special for all you singles who missed out on Valentine’s Day! You’re welcome.
ROMANTIC MOVIE BY MUTHAKA (ok, so the title’s a work in progress…)
Our setting is a quaint little North Carolinian beachfront town where the houses are those big unreasonably spacious wooden ones. Where you gotta wonder what kind of weirdo would build a wooden house so close to the beach, with hurricanes and all. The beaches are picture perfect and lined with lazily blowing sea grass. Or maybe it’s beach grass. How the heck should I know? It’s not like I’m some kind of lawn care, grass guy. I’m just a funny blogger in my pajamas at 11AM!
I mean I’m a movie screenwriter writer guy now. Oh yeah, this movie’s gonna probably have to be rated R… Anyway, just like in the movies, wild horses run the beaches at random, gracefully galloping in slow motion.
Where they’re going, or where they came from beats me, though. Couples in love walk hand in hand in the surf, or romantically frolic among the waves.
Cue scene of frolicking couple in the water. The female has a huge chest (Ahem). And her top miraculously falls off. (Hey, we already decided this is a rated R movie, so why not?)
There’s also a 22 foot Great White Shark, nicknamed “Big Ole Shark”. The townsfolk were obviously not very creative when it came to nicknames. Big Ole Shark makes it’s home just offshore, constantly intrigued by all the romantic frolicking going on.
The story starts a whole lot of years earlier with our main couple, Mort Felterbush and Gladys Boner meeting for the first time in this very same spot. Young Mort was a strapping, well-built house painter that was working on Gladys’s parents beachfront summer home. Gladys was a real looker that was being courted by a well off young bachelor named Thadeus Dicky (pun intended), from her parent’s country club. Gladys had a wild streak, and of course fell for Mort, which infuriated Dicky. This, being the days before drive by shootings, left little for Dickhead to do to win Gladys away from Mort, so he challenged him to a swimming contest.
It was either that or thumb wrestle.
On the day of the swimming contest, a category 9 hurricane is barreling down on the town, but the two young men are not deterred in their quest to win young Gladys’s hand. And the boobs
Gladys has some stellar knockers.
Big Ole Shark is undeterred too, although it has no idea what it’s undeterred about because sharks have the brain capacity of an endtable. It does realize it’s hungry though.
Anyway, the whole town is hunkered down, ready for the ginormous storm approaching. Except for the three morons…I mean, main characters, out on the beach.
Gladys’s sundress is blowing in the wind until a gust blows it up over her head, revealing perfectly toned abs, a belly button ring and sexy boy shorts.
*Warrant’s “Cherry Pie” plays in the background*
After about three minutes of Gladys wrestling with her dress in slow motion, all the while sexily shaking her hair like an epileptic and sticking her tongue out in what looks like an attempt to lick her own earlobe, she gets everything situated.
Mort and Dicky go diving into the growing waves. Just offshore, Big Ole Shark’s stomach growls. He also hears the men splashing in the water, and starts heading toward the sound.
Cue suspenseful music and shots of Mort and Dicky swimming around, interspersed with Big Ole Shark’s dorsal fin breaking the water.
Cut to a shot of the beach and Gladys fidgeting with her belly button ring.
Cut back to the water. Both men see the shark and start frantically high tailing it back to shore. Shot of Big Ole Shark opening his big ole mouth.
Back to the beach. The rain is really coming down, making it hard for Gladys to see the guys in the water. She jumps up and down and calls Mort’s name. Because that’s apparently going to make everything better.
In the water…
Mort looks behind him, sees the fin fast approaching, and calls out to Dicky for help. Dicky, being Dicky, takes a quick look, smirks, and swims off to shore. Mort looks behind him one last time and disappears in the waves amidst a load of splashing.
On the beach…
Gladys sees a figure emerging from the water, but can’t tell who it is because of the rain, and goes running towards the water.
At precisely the same time, a seagull, blinded by the rain, flies directly into Gladys’s head and knocks her unconscious. The seagull’s ok.
He shakes himself off and goes stumbling away, figuring it’s probably a lot safer walking instead of flying in this nasty weather.
As Dicky trudges out of the water, he sees Gladys laying on the beach, and figures that she’s letting him know that she’s ready for the sex, so he quickens the pace and goes jogging towards her, trying to remove his bathing suit…
And he’s totally stampeded over by those wild horses that are always running up and down the beach.
Back in the water, with the storm still raging, Mort explodes from the depths with one last valiant burst of strength and miraculously catches a wave back to shore, where he sees his love, Gladys sitting up, rubbing her head. He races to her and embraces her with a loving and passionate kiss as the winds and rain subside, bringing the sun back out again.
A Miley Cyrus ballad plays out the scene. You know, a Miley Cyrus ballad from way back when, when she had hair, kept her tongue in her mouth, and focused more on singing instead of humping every inanimate object she can drop her cooter on.
Fast forward to modern times.
We learn that Mort and Gladys spent the rest of the summer together canoodling and just basically being all lovey dovey. Until the last day of summer, when Mort stepped on a rusty nail, went into septic shock, and died two days later. Gladys was completely distraught and didn’t date anyone else for about three weeks, when she met a dude named Burt Dunklenose, who would eventually marry her. Tramp.
Gladys and Burt lived a happy, yet boring life together, eventually retiring to the same little town where Gladys had been wooed by old whatshisface…oh yeah, Mort. Gladys liked to spend her days on the beach, looking out at the waves and thinking back to her and Mort’s summer romance, so many years ago. Burt liked to spend his days inside the house looking at Misty, the 23-year-old house cleaner. Mort was still dead.
One particularly hot, summer afternoon, Gladys decided to cool off and go for a dip, smiling to herself as she thought back all those years to Mort running out of the same water and right up to her as she lay on the beach. As she waded out into the calm waters, she heard a noise back on the beach and turned around to see those majestic horses, galloping in slow motion down the beach. Gladys’s smile turned to outright joyous laughter.
And then Big Ole Shark jumped out of the water and ate her.
(C’mon. You really think I’d forget about the shark?)
Okay, so let me overwhelm you with some facts. 10% of people check their smartphones during sex, and 35% immediately afterward. It’s been said before that if you never want to have sex again, get married. Sex is one of the most contentious issues in marriage today second only to finances. There are many married couples who have not had sex for months or even years, and that’s okay as long as they’re okay with it and happily married
The problem arises when one person in the relationship wants sex and the other doesn’t. According to a national newspaper survey of approximately ten thousand respondents (mostly married men), 75% were satisfied in their relationship but more than 50 percent were dissatisfied with their sex lives. We’re having sex, don’t get me wrong… We’re just having sex at the wrong time and with the wrong people. I’ll get to that later
We’re having sex before we get married ten years on average. So we are effectively in a long-term relationship and potentially quite sexually bored before we even mess up the marital bed. And that has its consequences. Most brides today do not have sex on their wedding nights and 50% of men would not have married their spouse had they known their marriage was going to be sexless
So everybody wants to know just how much sex married people have, whether they are in heterosexual relationships or same-sex unions. Everybody wants to know what’s going on at the Joneses. Well, not much.
Only about 7% of married couples set the sheets ablaze. Most married couples have sex a little bit more than once a week for the first decade of their marriage. And it decreases dramatically after that. So why aren’t we having sex in our marriages?
Well, I could go for the scientific reason, but I’m sure you’re not interested in all that medical jargon. So let me weigh in on the next main reason – Sex education. When I was a teenager, my mother came into my bedroom one night and said, “Maureen, please tell me you have not allowed a boy to French kiss you.” She was feeling terrible that this sex education came a bit late and as an Irish Catholic girl, I was feeling extremely guilty that I had French kissed a number of boys by then
We teach girls and women that sex is dirty, and that sex is bad or it’s overrated. We instill these speculated fears about STDs and pregnancy, and while they’re all well-grounded, they sometimes scare women from enjoying sex. And we never talk about pleasure and orgasm with girls and women. In fact, some women say orgasm is not important and that the journey is just as good as the destination
I like to think of this as getting on a train with your lover, and you are going to the most pleasurable place on the planet, you are so excited, you’re getting lubed up with all the free drinks they’re giving you, this is amazing… and just before you reach your destination, he gets off and you
Now, the sex education we have for boys and men is entirely different. It’s a global program, it’s free, it’s accessible to everybody, and it’s known as Internet pornography. But it does nothing to teach men and boys about intimacy, which is really important, especially in a marriage setting.
Marriage can rapidly go from holy matrimony to holy hell with the finances, the kids, the house mortgage, the illness… I mean you may have signed up for sickness and health, but that was long before you’d ever witnessed a man cold.
Most women today are working inside and outside of the home. They’re doing the lion’s share of the housework because according to research, men don’t feel they’re that good at it. And we’re bridging the gap between growing children and aging parents.
Today, we are connected to the internet and disconnected from our would-be lovers. Maybe this is the reason why the most common sex position for married couples is doggy style… No no, it’s not what you’re thinking, get your minds out of the gutter. This is the one where he’s on all fours and begs and she plays dead
Most men complain that women never initiate sex. The reason for this is because of, once again, the sex education we provide to women. Women falsely believe that female sexual desire perceives sexual activity when in actuality, it is sexual activity that prompts sexual interest and desire
There are all kinds of health and beauty benefits that sex has for a woman – a youthful glow, better sleep, wrinkle-free skin… There is also another device that will increase anybody’s sexual desire, apparently, and that happens to be the Mercedes Benz 4matic convertible SL and it comes in 64 colors.
But if that doesn’t do it, the desire to have a baby will rev up any woman’s sex drive. The problem is having that baby is likely to kill it along with any marital errata sysm a couple may have had. Because a lot of people believe that motherhood and being sexual is incongruous
People who live in sexless marriages report feeling frustrated, unloved, undesirable, unattractive and the worst of all, lonely. And loneliness has been shown to increase vascular resistance and elevate blood pressure, leading to an early death. You’re more likely to die from loneliness than you are from obesity or excessive alcohol consumption
Here’s another quick fact – Most men in sexless marriages cheat to remain in that marriage. Women, on the other hand, cheat to leave the marriage. And technology hasn’t made this any easier for anyone. Historically, marriage was not based on mutual love but rather it was an institution to acquire all things in-laws property, and physical labor. But at the turn of the 20th century Hollywood movies burdened marriages with promising romantic love, and now we’re living together, forever. Congratulations, you get to have sex with the same person for the rest of your life
Another common question I get from readers is when to end sex. Well, the simple answer is, Never. As long as you’re both healthy, you can have a great sex life well into your 80s and 90s. Sex is good for you, sex is healthy. Yet, it’s also shrouded in shame in the ancient aristocracies, and in recent years, technology is fast replacing human connection at high speed.
So how do you rev up a sexless marriage? Work on yourself first. Exercise every day to increase your agility. It also helps to treat erectile dysfunction. Again, pay more attention to your spouse than you do your smartphone. Spend more time in your bedrooms than you do your boardrooms or your bedrooms are going to become boardrooms. Deal with your marital issues, go to sleep in the same bed at the same time and don’t bring anything or anyone into your marriage except for a great sex toy (if you have to).
Establish guidelines that govern those moments when you are struck by someone’s attractiveness outside of your marriage. And don’t think for a second that you have to have sex with the same person for the rest of your life, at least not in your mind. Obviously, I’m not asking you to cheat. Just keep in mind that your brain is your largest sex organ, so be as sexually imaginative as you can
Now, I’ll leave you off with one last bang… Settle all marital arguments in the bedroom, naked
Many people seek love or to be in a relationship. But that involves growth, which can at times be painful, compromising, or make you vulnerable. Love demands that we constantly improve, be more understanding, and practice patience. On the flip side, it also means knowing when things just aren’t working out anymore and having the guts to leave. Confused about how you feel? Here are six signs you were never in love.
You moved things first with your partner
Infatuation thrives on speed, but love takes time to develop. Relationships expert Susan Winter says “Infatuation lives in illusion but love can survive reality.” When you’re quick to jump into a relationship with someone, you base it off on your dreams more than who’s really in front of you. Common examples include fantasizing about your future with them, lusting after them, and obsessing over their lives…all done only after a few weeks of knowing them
You expect them to be flawless
And then you get angry or disappointed when they show you their true self. Do you believe in soulmates or fate? It sounds good in theory, right? But Winter states that “Infatuation needs perfection in order to survive.”
When you expect your partner to be consistently well dressed, good with their words, or impressive with their accomplishments, you deny them space to be completely honest with you. Love, on the other hand, is grounded. When you love someone, you accept their imperfections as your own, work through the bad, and enjoy the good together.
You’re not comfortable enough around them
Okay, we’ve all felt self-conscious about saying the wrong thing or making a bad impression. But when you truly fall in love with someone, that’s when you can let loose and stop caring so much. Research expert on vulnerability, Dr. Barney Brown, discovered that those who have a strong sense of love and belonging are more open to vulnerability, whereas those who feel disconnected around their partners consistently build their walls. When you don’t share your emotions, struggles, and secrets with someone, you haven’t fully loved.
You become more distant
It’s normal for passion to intensify initially only to taper off in a steady relationship. But two people in love will still want to be around each other even when the relationship becomes “boring”. If you find yourself wanting to get away from your partner more and more these days, cancelling dinner plans often because you’d rather go and hang out with your friends or family, then something’s up.
Your mind is elsewhere
And soon, your heart follows too. Stephen Betchen, Author of Magnetic Partners, states that “Partners who are in love tend to maintain a focus on their counterparts.”When you notice the little things about them or express concerns when you have a fight with them, it shows that you care for them. But if you avoid those half conversations, or slip away from arguments, you also stop emphasizing their importance in your life.
You’ve developed anxiety
Have you been experiencing digestive problems, or have trouble sleeping? Psychologist Kate B. and Dr. Ann Sheba both say that anxiety can show in these bodily dysfunctions. You might have something you need to get off your chest and dread how to break the news to your partner. Remember, you can only run away from the truth so long before it catches up to you. Forcing love when it’s absent will only hurt the two of you. Both of you deserve to find love elsewhere if it cannot be found in your relationship
It’s Valentine’s Day here in the Philippines, and you might not know this but the Philippines loves Valentine’s Day. In fact, it’s one of the most highly commercialized holidays of the year here. Well it’s commercialized everywhere, but you get what I mean
Valentine’s Day is strangely the only day people are allowed to love in public. Those in relationships get to spend money on their partners, and the single guys get to drink their lonely asses off without getting judged for it.
Different people have different ways of showing their affection on Valentine’s Day. It could be singing karaoke to each other or buying lots of chocolate or whatever. This is exclusively an all-couple day, and many people like to get the most out of it.
But to be honest, personally, I don’t really find Valentine’s Day interesting. And yes, I understand all crap about grand gestures and public appreciation blah blah blah. It’s just that, I don’t like showing my partner that I love them by buying them stuff. It just feels weird to me – it feels slimy
So every Valentine’s Day, I’ve always had this dilemma of what I should do. How can I show someone I love them without feeling like I’m basically buying their love? Furthermore, how do I stand out from the others who are just buying chocolate and roses?
I’ve been told way too many times that I think too much. But let’s be real… If I’m buying chocolate and roses like everybody else, isn’t that boring? Isn’t there a better way to nail this Valentine’s thing and surprise my partner?
Well, my answer to this problem in recent years has been very simple – write a letter. It sounds stupid –I know. But here’s the thing. I’m a blogger, and I write a lot. Back in college, I wrote lots of letters to my girlfriend, just to spice things a little from the usual texting. And I’m happy to say that she was always very enthusiastic about them.
On Valentine’s Day, I would get her the flowers and chocolate too – but I would also write a romantic letter to get her in the mood. And guess what – it always worked. She would open my letter first, spend hours reading it, and she would literally spend the whole day glowing.
So my advice to you is to write a freaking letter. Don’t worry about the chocolate and flowers so much. Think outside the box and surprise them with a letter. I promise you they are going to enjoy that more than anything physical gift you’ll ever get them.
And don’t worry if you suck at writing. Just try to get fifteen sentences out. Trust me when I say, nobody notices how bad of the writer you may be because everybody else is pretty much a bad writer as well. It’s sort of like me judging someone’s skills as a basketball player when I don’t even know the first thing about basketball
The truth is, chocolates get eaten, and flowers wilt. But the words you express to your partner will live in their minds, probably forever – that doesn’t get eaten.
So sit down, grab your pen, and confess to that paper as you normally would to your girlfriend. And please – Don’t consider two sentences on a hallmark a letter. Get an actual plain paper and take your writing to town. And I promise you, when you’re done, you’ll realize that this is way more valuable than a bunch of roses you picked up at the street down for 50 bucks.
I have spent close to three years of my life in serious relationships, and I mean saying I love you, spending way too much money on Valentine’s Day, and of course heartbreaks. When someone becomes a huge part of your life, letting them go is always rough
I’ve been on both sides of a break up – I have done the dumping and I’ve been dumped. Truth is, there’s no perfect way for a relationship to end. And neither side is an easy side to be on… But I definitely think that being broken up with is the worst of the two.
Because usually when you get dumped by someone you love, it feels unexpected… and like the other person has an easier time letting go than you. And just to be clear here, that’s usually not the case
One of the most common requests I get for articles from readers is about breakups… either how to do it, when to end it etc. And while I can’t say I speak for every single guy out there, I’ve had my experiences with it, talked to my friends about it, and today, I’m going to try and explain what’s usually going through a guy’s head when he is breaking up with you
For me personally, when I think of the last breakup I had, I wasn’t sure if that’s what I wanted. Because the girl I was seeing was great – she was fun to be around, she was super pretty, all my friends loved her etc. At a glance, there wasn’t really any reason I would ever want to break up. But deep down, I guess I had started feeling trapped
We had been dating for almost nine months, and it was really starting to get serious, which, I guess, is something I hadn’t realized I wasn’t ready for. She had anxiety and depression, and it started becoming my responsibility to make her feel better. But at the same time, I was having some of those issues myself, and it felt like I went from being responsible for my own happiness to being responsible for two. With time, it got overwhelming, to say the least
I didn’t know how to handle it, and so I started considering the possibility of breaking up, so we could both take time to work on our own issues. And while I wasn’t exactly confident that it was the right thing to do, it was just something I often found myself thinking about.
I thought that maybe I was just being impulsive and that all these problems were just in the short term. But as time when by. I began to realize that they probably weren’t going to go away any time soon. If anything, they were getting worse for both of us. So I thought we needed a change – a breakup
I’m not saying my line of reasoning was right or wrong – I think those are just subjective opinions. I guess you could say I was having a quarter-life crisis. A relationship that I thought was progressing a little faster than I was comfortable with started to feel overwhelming. And after a couple of months of trying to make it work, I realized I couldn’t. And so I ended things.
Personally, I feel like I’m great at being single. I’ve spent the vast majority of my life being single, and I really enjoy it. And it’s not because I’m always trying to hook up or anything… I just don’t have to think of somebody else all the time, and I guess I’m very comfortable with that.
Being in a long-term relationship slowly starts to feel more like an ‘us’ than a ‘me’. And I know that sounds selfish, but if you’re to open up to somebody completely, the least you can do is be a little selfish with yourself.
For a lot of people in their twenties, a relationship could turn into moving in together – you know, getting married, having kids, settling down etc. I have friends in their early twenties who have gotten married this year, and that is honestly crazy to me
If you’re not sure that the person you’re dating is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, is there even a point or you’re just wasting your time? So is that the reason guys are always dumping girls? The realization that they are not ready to settle yet? Well, for me I’d have to say no. But for a lot of guys in their twenties, it’s definitely a problem.
While I can’t really tell you why you got dumped by your last boyfriend, I can tell you this much… All of the reasons that a guy breaks up with you is because from his perspective, what he wants and what you want are two different things.
And it’s really easy to assume that it’s for a shallow reason like maybe he’s cheating on you, or maybe he just wants to hook up with other people, or maybe something you did pushed him away, and the list goes on. The truth is, as human beings, we look for easy answers for things that we have no control over.
But maybe it’s entirely something that he’s going through – maybe from his perspective, had you guys met at a different time and place, things could have worked out. But in reality, you can spend all day speculating about what really happened, but it’s not going to get you anywhere. At the end of the day, having an end to anything generally sucks. The least you can do is learn something from the breakup and move forward
So Valentine’s is finally here and now, more than ever, every guy in a relationship is feeling overstretched about it. Obviously, your girlfriend wants you to get creative so she can show her friends just how lucky she is. But you probably still don’t understand what the fuss about this day is all about.
While Valentine’s is an all-lovers day, we decided to do something different this year – give the single guys a voice. We interviewed hundreds of single people about what their plans are on this “special” day and here are some of the hilarious responses we got. Hold your chest – things are about to get cracky!
I am single at the moment, and on Valentine’s Day, I’ll do what any single guy is supposed to do – go to my ex’s online page and hate on her happy pictures – Neko_White
I mean it’s kind of a useless holiday if you’re single. Why else would I be celebrating this day if I’m alone, you know. I’m just going to masturbate violently all day – Awkwafina
Since I’m single and not going out on Valentine’s Day, I pray for heavy rain! Flood all the walkways and driveways. Let them swim and have sex on trees if they are real men and women – Teegold
As a single girl on Valentine’s Day, I’m going to do absolutely nothing. I like to pretend it’s not even a day. I could just stay in bed and touch myself all day – Ayydubs
Valentine’s Day is still a massive capitalist scam every single year but that still doesn’t stop me from bein extremely jealous of all the cute couples out there – Zach
There are pizza places that will send you a pizza in the shape of a heart, and so I order that and eat it with an entire bottle of wine while watching Game of Thrones – Smoothie_Freak
A couple of years ago, I got an anonymous box of chocolate in the mail, and I was so excited. After telling all my friends about it, it ended up being from my grandpa – Janice
The worst part about being single on Valentine’s Day is not about being alone. It’s knowing that people who are uglier than you have found love- Nicky_Paris
Instead of waiting for someone to buy me chocolate, I go to CVS, buy all the chocolate I want, go home, and just eat it for hours without having to worry about anything – Amanda
Single guys on Valentine’s day kind of treat it like they are on the good end of a traffic jam…Like they are looking at guys in relationships like, ”glad I’m not you”. It kinda sucks you know – Joey
I imagine that single guys just hi-five themselves on Valentine’s because they get to save a lot of money, while single girls like us spend hours hating our lonely lives – Hallera
Single people: having a Valentine? Can’t relate. What is that, a sauce? Must be nice to have someone. I’ll be crying, watching Netflix, masturbating and continuing to tell the world how lonely I am – Beta_fish
If you’re broke, and you’re a dude, being single on Valentine’s is the best thing you could ever ask for. I know guys who have broken up with their girlfriends a week before Valentine’s – Matt_Pavich
Single guys are lucky on Valentine’s. Not only do you get to save a bunch of money, but you also get to confuse a lot of women on dates. Just deep some strawberries in chocolate while eating in a public restaurant and watch girls on dates lose their minds – Anthony
I think the best part about being single on Valentine’s Day is that… it’s kinda socially acceptable to make a bunch of silly mistakes and no one judges you because you’re sad and alone – Butch
Half of me doesn’t give a single shit about Valentine’s Day and the other half wants a cute basic ass date – my personalities are fighting each other – Safi_brown
Being alone on Valentine‘s Day isn’t that bad… like Forrest Gump always said “life is like a box of chocolates, you’re single because you’re a whore – Sarah