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Boozemusings by Yossarian-bear - 3w ago
The philosophy according to YOSSARIAN in the pursuit of sobriety. That task can be as convoluted or as simplistic as you see fit. Being a simple man, I choose the latter.Reading volumes of text written by another about another's experience in the form of self help just doesn't make sense to me. They sell, so clearly to others, it does. And I have no beef with that. As they say..........whatever floats your boat. Unlike those YouTube videos that promise you the answer to life, the universe and everything and waffle on for an hour only to give you a link to where you can sign up for the answers at a monthly rate of $45.95, I'm just going to throw it at you. Simply.
First, you must be commited. It sounds simple and it is. I knew I was an alcoholic for a very long time. I knew it was killing me for a very long time. It wasn't until I landed in hospital with my body "literally" falling apart that I knew I had to change. I brushed having a leg amputated by a bee's diaphragm. My body was simply rejecting itself. At the tender age of 50, I sat on a hospital guerney, shaking with fear like a little kid. The surgeon's were ashen faced and blunt. I had to commit.
Second, keep no alcohol in the house. No, I don't care about your visitors. They can bring their own. No alcohol on the premises you sneaky fucker. You're commited, so get with the program.
Third, be prepared. Preparation is the key. Like most addicts ( grab a chair and sit down, you're an addict) the craving is one of habit. Habits are time set. Some call it "beer o'clock" or "the wine witching hour". I don't like those descriptors as it some how legitimizes the addicts cycle. You know when your time is. So be prepared. Get out of the house, without cash or card and go for a walk. Go for a run, go to the park, go stare at a wall, go for a bike ride, fly a kite...........go to the fucking library for all I care but just get out. Get away from the scene that makes it all ok.
Four, and here is the killer punch. Simple again, like Mike Tyson. Somewhere, somehow, by design or not (the addict's mind is cunning) you will "stumble" upon opportunity. This is where commitment is integral. DO NOT PICK UP THAT FIRST DRINK or you are fucked, with a capital F. The idiom, "one is too many and 100 is not enough" didn't just fall out of the sky. It has been proven time and time again, probably even by yourself. Do not pick up that first drink. Do not and do not. End.
Five. For all you tough guys out there. You think you can do it alone. You think you can white knuckle this thing, in the dark, on a Friday night. When every ounce of your soul is screaming for a sip. When the noise of the city is out there having "fun", guess again. This bitch, alcohol already has you on your knees. Do you think she cares if you fall flat on your face? That is what she wants. Humbled and hopeless. You cannot do this thing on your own. End of story.
Look, I don't subscribe to the 12 step AA story. I've seen enough happily reformed 12 steppers slide down the rabbit hole quicker than you can say "whiskey, barkeep" However, you do need support. Someone to say hello and how the fuck are you.If you are clawing at the wall at 2 am your time, then somewhere on this beautiful blue dot of ours, someone is keeping watch. Someone who gets it and has committed themselves to be there to support you. You as an individual amongst the 7 billion.
Clear and simple. My gospel for want of a better word may not be your cup of tea. That doesn't matter. You get on here, www.boozemusings.comBOOM , and connect with people that resonate with YOU. Places like BOOM can provide that in spades. I know because I know most here. I "grew" up and out with most of them. They may not be perfect but they're perfectly fine by me. The beauty here is the global watch keep. Nobody on BOOM gives a damn about your politics, your religion, your sex, your race, your sexual preference or what you ate for dinner. It's about support. In a rare example, the means really does justify the end
Good luck with your projects.
If you're drinking too much too often Talk to Us in BOOMwww.boozemusings.com We are a Free, Private, Anonymous community forum
Alcohol is the only drug that people will question you for not using . Rethink the Drink
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Well here I am at Day 4. I feel okay - not great, not bad, just okay - which is okay for Day 4.
Someone texted me this today: "If something's not working for you, fix it, change it, direct it." The comment was not made about trying to be Alcohol Free, just my life in general. However I did start thinking about it in the AF sense.
We have probably all had moments of wanting to or wishing we could fix ourselves. If we could just remove the part of us that compels us towards alcohol (or any other addictive substance) we'd be fixed right?
But we all come to understand that we can't fix ourselves in an alcohol dependent sense any more than we fix ourselves after someone we love dies or leaves.
We can't fix this. We can only change the way we respond to it. We can only assimilate it into ourselves and go on in a new direction.
We are all here because we want change. But we stall on the how of that change. It's the reason we go for months or years wanting change but not changing.
Change is hard. It's not just committing to it, it is figuring out how to do it. And with going Alcohol Free, the how can change daily as we change and as we encounter new challenging situations.
Every time we fall off the wagon can feel like a failure - a failure to successfully change - but every time we climb back on, we prove both that we have a desire to change and that we are changing.
So what of direction. How do we direct this? How do we direct ourselves. Personally I feel more like a Director most days, shooting a movie about a girl who really should have been dead in a gutter long ago, but is still, by the grace of an entourage of angels, standing.
Direction is something I think a lot of us lack. It happens partly because we are really not sure what to do with ourselves, how to live, how to adult, without booze. It's part of the reason we run back to it. Life without our crutch can be scary. And the need to run back to 'safety' is strong.
But that safety is not real. The love of your life is a snake in your bed. He offers you escape from all the big meanies and scaries, while he quietly tightens the noose around your neck and the bindings on your wrists and ankles.
When others try to save you from him, he whispers in your ear "They don't know you like I do, love you like I do. I am all you need." Alcohol is an abusive, controlling lover.
Plotting the course away from booze is every bit as hard as leaving an abusive lover - take it from me. In some ways I would even argue it can be harder.
Society takes a dim view of abusive lovers. But us? Well we did it to ourselves - no one held our noses and poured the booze down our throats now did they. And we could just stop.
This is why we can cop so much flack from people. The disapproval that alters people's perceptions of us when they learn the truth, and in turn changes the way they treat and regard us.
Fix. Change. Direct.
We can't fix our addiction but we can heal ourselves in many ways - heal our view of ourselves and how we treat ourselves. We can also try to heal the relationships we have damaged - this is the nearest we can get to fixed.
We can change. We can change how we view alcohol and our relationship with it, the situations we walk into and how we respond to them, the way we respond to temptation, the way in which we articulate what we want and need to get through this.
We can direct our lives. We can grab the wheel and stop the swerve. We can delete from our lives that which does not serve us and what we want to achieve - the toxic relationships and behaviours.
My challenge for you today is take something in your life, anything, that needs or is worthy of fixing, changing or directing.
Fix it. Change it. Direct it.
When we take hold of the reigns we generate a sense of power - a sense of control - and that in and of itself is a catalyst for change.
Be the change you want in your life.
If you're drinking too much too often Talk to Us Sobriety is Clarity, Creativity, Freedom! Community connection is the first step.
Talk to Us in our private forum https://www.boozemusings.com/boom
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I used to stop drinking for a month and pat myself on the back and drink again and slide back to drinking just as much. I used to go a month without alcohol and count the days until I could drink again. I couldn't imagine a life where drinking wasn't part of it in some way. I needed alcohol because I knew no other way to cope with real life, the real me. -My thoughts and feelings. I thought of it as my gift to myself, a wonderful drug that could relax me, make me feel happier, lighten my life. I knew no other way.
My 'habit' was ingrained. My right of passage given to me from 16 years of age onwards. And now I was 50. And I knew no other way.
Because I knew no other way to cope with life. To cope with my thoughts feelings and emotions. Because I had never given myself time to find another way.
I often hear people trying to stay sober say ;
"I MISS MY DRINK"
Don't think for a second I don't understand. Don't think I don't know exactly what you're going through. Don't think for a second I didn't go through exactly what you're feeling. I am so sorry you are scared and miss drinking and think you have no choice but to stay as you are.
This is hard. Make no bones about it you are flailing about not knowing what you're doing, one moment determined and the next in 'F' it mode.You want to drink but don't want to drink because you know deep down it's harming your body and mind. Can we call it a slow suicide? And round and round you go.
You may say being AF may work for others but you doubt it for yourself. That was me too. I doubted it for me too. But I trusted that I hadn't found HSM by mistake I had found it for a reason and the reason was that I had looked for it and knew that I had to change. So up to now I told myself that I wanted to change but didn't know how to.
And then I stopped lying to myself
I DID know how to change - Stop drinking. But did I truly WANT to change?
In wanting to change you have to learn to live again. You have to go back to the start when you first started drinking. You have to find out why you drink, what makes you drink and what it gives you that you think you can't get from anywhere else.
You have to ask yourself why you are so unhappy or lost that you use a drug to make yourself feel different. You have to get to the core of why you use this drug. Only in living your life without the drug and hitting life head on can you answer these questions. No giving in to the reasons you find and using them as a reason to drink.
If you think I'm talking rubbish here are some examples of why I drank :-
Make me happy. Get me through bad times. As a celebration. Because I was making evening meal. Because I'd had a hard day. Because I'd had a good day.Because I'd gone out for a meal. Because I'd gone to the pub/party. Because it was Christmas/ Easter/ Bank Holiday. Because it was Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday. Because it was the Weekend Friday Saturday Sunday. Because I was on holiday. I drank because my dog had died. I drank because my neighbours dog had died.
I made the last one up - but you get my gist ;-)
Yes I had to fight in the early days. I had to sulk, cry and feel lost. I had to fight when the triggers to drink came.
I had to find distractions to move my thoughts elsewhere. I read and read posts on Hello Sunday Morning
Like you I missed my drink sooo bad. Because I knew no other way.
If you want this chance -because that's what it is -you have to fight.
You do not drink whatever happens, there is no other way. I'm sorry about that but there is no other way.
And slowly, very slowly you find another way to live your life.
For me it has been worth every bit of fight. In making the decision that I wanted to not drink more than I wanted to drink I found a new healthier life.
I don't need to fight anymore I just 'be.'
Because slowly, very slowly I found another way.
If you're drinking too much too often and are feeling trapped come talk to us. Rewrite your story one day at a time. Sobriety is Clarity, Creativity, Freedom
Rethink the Drink BOOM
www.boozemusings.com Talk to Us
Zoo is an active member of the HelloSundayMorning and Boozemusings Communities.
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I’ve heard that when Meryl Streep first reads a script she’s got a red pen at hand. If she comes across a word or phrase of her dialogue that she intuitively flinches at or that doesn’t make sense to her, she circles it. Then she keeps on reading. Later, as she works on the character – memorizing lines, finding her own way into the emotional life - she resists the impulse to fight with those circled words. She just lets them work on her while she’s working on what she knows, what she understands in the script. But she remains conscious of them all the same.
Almost always, somewhere during the push me-pull you process of marrying herself to the character, there’ll be an “aha!” when the meaning of those tricky words suddenly clicks. When that happens, she’s said: I discover something true about the character. Something I couldn’t have imagined. I had to learn it through the doing.
A few caveats: a) that’s not an actual quote from LaStreep. I took a bushel of authorial liberty there; b) the overall story could be apocryphal but I don’t think so; I heard it directly from a straight-shooter who’s worked with her, and c) even if apocryphal, I like the story so I’m sticking with it. Particularly my made up quote – all of which she might be inclined to circle in red pen. (I think I made up the red pen part too. It’s possible.)
The story was offered to me as an acting lesson and, at the time my first thought was “Well, what if it’s just a crap script?” Now that I’m writing more, I’m not as quick to dismiss the writer’s work. Besides, if it’s a crap script I'm guessing she's not circling the troublesome bits because, well, why bother?
I offer the story, notwithstanding my garnishments, as more of a life lesson because as all good acting lessons are, it’s that too.
Lately, while working through my own illegible life script, I’ve been identifying some unsettling, troublesome bits. Instead of gently flagging them and continuing onward, allowing the questions of “why am I troubled by that? What does it mean?” to just be there in the background, I’ve stopped in place, gnashing my teeth and wailing
“Why is this in my script?!? I don’t understand it!!! I don’t want it here! Give me something prettier to say! to work with!”
I can’t afford to give the writers a raise so this is the script I’ve got. For now. But it’s a perfectly fine script. And I know the work to do on it . . . I know how to do it. And on my better days (and there are many of them, something else for me to remember) I also trust that in those troublesome bits, those riddles, some potential for transformation lies. But I can’t go at ‘em with hammer and thongs.
Maybe personal revelation will come. Maybe it won’t. But in the interim, I’m getting work done on the rest of the script. And life goes on.
Sobriety is Clarity, Creativity, Freedom! Community connection is the first step.
Talk to Us in our private forum https://www.boozemusings.com/boom
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I look away when things are scary.
When I'm filled with fear, I try to control other things because I feel like I can't handle it. I get light-headed, nauseous, sweaty, panicked. There is a ringing in my ears. Sometimes when it's not as bad, I just procrastinate instead. I do laundry, shop online, watch endless TV, virtually plan or organize. Like an animal with a defense mechanism of distraction--a wiggling lizard tail left behind.
I used to take this feeling and soften it with alcohol. When I was younger and really lost, I would binge it away. I would also smoke with deep breaths, trying to calm it all down. When I was older with my own children, I would limit the amount, but still pour the alcohol over it like an flammable salve. It would work immediately and temporarily, but it left behind a residue of toxicity and unhealed scars that would light up if it was near a flame. I never just dealt with it on my own. I never looked it square in the eyes. It was always too much, and I felt too weak.
I imagine my fear as a huge dragon that takes many different forms. Health scares with my children, relationship problems, death, work stress, my underlying value. The dragon has a different label, but it's the same. And I am trying now, as a completely sober person, to stare it right in the eyes. I don't want to let it chase me off. I don't want to keep running forever or hiding in the forest or looking over my shoulder. I want to be able to stand out on the edge of the canyon and see it all. I want to feel free and strong, not held back by fear.
I imagine it before me. Huge wings beating, hot breath, in my way. I will stare it right in the eyes. I will know it for what it is. I will learn and remember that I am stronger than it. I will know that being scared is not bad or weak, but constantly escaping weakens me.
I used to imagine myself staring my fear down and feeling so vulnerable without alcohol, like I was left out in the open bare, without any weapons or shield. Any arrow could pierce me in an instant. Now I believe that my sobriety is the most important defense of all. It gives me strength beyond what a couple of glasses of wine each night would. Because that was just an illusion of strength. That was like putting on an invisibility cloak. It was just hiding, closing my eyes, and hoping the dragon would go away.
Now I will stare it down. I will look it right in the eyes. I will say, "I see you. I'm still here." And I will eventually invite it to sit with me. I will someday realize it is not the enemy. It may come and go. It does not need to be defeated, just acknowledged. But while I'm learning all of this, I will not avert my eyes. I will come out of hiding. I will see things for what they truly are.
One of my only pieces of original artwork is by an artist called "Stripy Arms." She paints different characters, mostly female, who all have black and white striped sleeves. The one I own says, "Do not be afraid. Fear is an illusion. You are real."
I am also reminded of a Buddhist story of Amara. Amara is the shadow side. He represents fear, greed, selfishness, etc. One day Buddha and his helper are relaxing when suddenly Buddha's helper notices Amara nearby. He starts panicking, "What do we do! What do we do?" And Buddha wisely says, "I see you Amara. Come let's have some tea."
I'd like to stare down my fear and then invite it to tea. It may take awhile to get there...See it, acknowledge it, deal with it, rest with it. The panic subsides and the power replenishes. But none of this can happen without first staring it down, unflinchingly.
I see you, but I'm stronger now.
Rethink the Drink 
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I can't remember ever aspiring to be sober. The word sober always seemed sad and dull and heavy to me. When I was young, checking out adults to see which type I'd like to become, the sober ones were rather stiff . They either couldn't drink because they had a "problem" with alcohol or they chose not to drink which seemed to make all the "fun" grown ups at the party uncomfortable. Sober adults seemed to me to be missing color in their lives but even more importantly sober adults didn't fit the norm. Not all adults drank heavily but adults who didn't drink at all were pretty rare.
When I stopped drinking at 50 years old the idea of sobriety left me cold. I was used to seeing wine as my rocket fuel. The carrot at the end of the stick that I chased throughout my day. How would I motivate myself to work to exhaustion without my reward ? How would I push myself that little bit further? How would I shut down? What would my friends and family think if I told them I COULDN'T drink? How would I juggle job and parenting and household responsibilities without my nightly wine? How would I live the active, colorful life I knew........... sober ?
I did not WANT to stop drinking. I loved to drink . I loved the taste of wine and the shape of the glass and the beautiful labels on the bottles. I loved the sensuality of wine. At the end of a long day I loved the soft warm buzz that I got from that first glass. I loved letting my body and brain go numb as I finished off the first bottle. On the nights that I kept going and drank to oblivion I loved escaping to the the dark, velvety nothing shortly before my brain shut down in a waking black out. 
On March 6, 2015 however, I decided that I no longer had a choice. I didn't hit a dramatic, public rock bottom. It was still MY choice but I was getting to the point where I was drinking to dangerous levels almost every time I poured a glass. My nightly bottle became two bottles once or  twice a week and  I would wake up at three in the morning hot and anxious, kicking myself for having opened that second bottle again. I'd wash down a few vitamins with a liter of water, try to get a couple of hours of sleep and swear never again! I was hiding how much I drank even from my husband. Drinking alone. In love with my wine. 
Physical addiction to alcohol can be dangerous to break and is at times fatal if not done under medical supervision but even though I was drinking seven to ten units of alcohol most nights and sometimes more, I was not physically addicted. I was neurologically addicted. My brain could NOT shut down without alcohol. I could NOT relax or socialize at parties without alcohol. By 5 pm most days I NEEDED a drink. I NEEDED that wine to make dinner, fold laundry , help with homework. I NEEDED that wine to enjoy lunch at the beach on a Sunday afternoon. 
 If you take an addictive drug and feed it to your brain routinely your brain will begin to need that drug to do your routine. Breaking my neurological addiction while still doing my routine was hard work but it has turned out to be the adventure of my life and my rock solid glorious sobriety is anything but colorless for me. 
In the months leading up to my last day one on March 6, 2015 I read a lot of books about how to stop drinking. I read self help books and addiction recovery bios and books with perspective from Alcoholics Anonymous and I started to slowly build a positive view of sobriety as something less than a death sentence.
I started to see that it WAS possible to stop and stay stopped but it wouldn't be easy and than I found my key.
I stumbled over the sobriety blogs Unpickled , Sober at Sixty and Tired of Thinking about Drinking, and I learned that the passive reading I was doing might help but writing and discussing, making myself accountable daily,  telling my story and reading the stories of others , was the solution to retraining my addicted brain. 
I have never kept a diary or a journal and I am legendary for my inability to spell. It was not easy for me to begin blogging but the daily routine of putting my thoughts and fears and ideas out there in a private, supportive community with no rules but mutual respect and honesty has given me back every ounce of self respect that I lost to my addiction. I shuffle through the thoughts in my head each morning and chose which direction I will go. It was not an instant process by any means and it continues each day as I move forward from day 1 to 100 to 10,000 but by telling my story it evolves and I evolve more fully. When I write I define my reality and am taking back the self determination that was lost to my addiction. This beautiful mind of mine is powerful and free in my colorful sobriety.
I was at least eight months sober when I read Marc Lewis's Biology of Desire. His ground breaking book on addiction, recovery and neuroplasticity did not Guide me through my recovery it Defined my recovery. As he brilliantly  puts it  
“The facility for viewing one’s life as a narrative may be what’s missing in addiction... Addicts experience something breathtaking when they can stretch their vision of themselves from the immediate present back to the past that shaped them and forward to a future that’s attainable and satisfying... It feels like being the author and advocate of one’s own life. It feels like being real... The many addicts who end up quitting do so uniquely and inventively, through effort and insight. Thus quitting is best seen as further development, not “recovery” from a disease.”
I drank to numb and silence myself. My addiction isolated me. To find my voice in sobriety I needed a safe place to slowly test my wings. To stretch and grow and find my strength before I learned to fly.
The website where I found that safe space and began my creative recovery is changing and evolving as I do. The format that allowed me to freely express every dynamic aspect of my growth will not be there for much longer so I have used my sober energy to create a new space on the internet that I hope will continue to offer what worked for me.  
A private, community blogging website where the narrative can continue in all of it's rich color and with all of it's independent equally important voices. A place with no leader or guru and no product to sell. 
If you're drinking too much too often and are feeling trapped come talk to us.  Rewrite your story one day at a time. On this 1,000th day of writing my way sober I have found clarity, creativity, and freedom in this beautiful life . What will you find ? 
Rethink the Drink  BOOM
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Drinking Alcohol is a common pastime of many Americans, and indeed, of many people throughout the world. It’s normalized in almost all forms of media, from tv shows and movies to songs on the radio. The media has shown binge drinking and getting drunk to be the norm, so how do we know when our drinking or using habit has gone too far?  
     1.No Matter How Many Times You Tell Yourself You’re Going to Stop, You Don’t 
You wake up in the morning and tell yourself that today, you are not going to drink or use, that you don’t need it, that you are stronger than the substance and can do this. And every day, you fail, giving yourself reasons why you deserve that drink or that hit, and you tell yourself you’ll stop tomorrow. The cycle then repeats itself all over again.  
     2.Your Tolerance is Growing 
It takes more Alcohol to give you that truly good feeling that you’re looking for every time. It used to take only a couple drinks to get you that buzz you were looking for; now it takes twice that much.  
    3.You Start Getting Reckless 
You go to work while drunk, or find that you’re waking up in places you don’t remember being at, or next to people you don’t know. Maybe you’re fighting while drunk, or calling people and saying things you don’t remember.  
    4.Legal Troubles 
You’re driving while intoxicated, or you start to steal to pay for your Alcohol. Or you got a little too violent while out drinking, and now the police are arresting you for assault.  
     5.You Can’t Get Through a Day Without Alcohol 
You’ve tried going about your normal, daily routine without the aid of Alcohol, but you just don’t feel as though you can function without it. You have to drink in order to feel any sort of normalcy in your life.  
    6.You Begin Lying About Your Use 
When friends, family or coworkers ask you about your night, you lie about how much you drank, if you tell them you drank at all. Before going to a party or dinner with friends or family, you drink beforehand, so it doesn’t look like you’ve drunk that much when you see them and have some more; then you continue to drink after, when no one is around to judge you.  
      7.You Have Put Yourself and/or Others in Danger 
You’ve gotten behind the wheel of a car while intoxicated, or you have done any potentially dangerous work while drunk or high, or you can’t remember what you did the night before, and this becomes a recurring pattern.  
       8.Your Loved Ones Have Talked to You About Your Substance Use 
Your loved ones have expressed worry about your drinking habits, or they’ve expressed worry over things in your life that have been affected by your drinking and drug use.  
        9.You Go Through Withdrawal Symptoms  
Withdrawal symptoms include, but are not limited to, shaking, headaches, cramps, irritability, and even paranoia. Every time you go without a drink, you start to feel any, or all, of these symptoms.  
        10.You Want to Stop but are Unsure How  
You’ve looked at others who don’t drink as much as you, or those who have stopped completely, and you want to know how they have done so. You want to stop being the Alcohol abuser of your family and friend group and learn how you can live your life without it. You start looking up recovery and rehab sites online, or start asking your friends how they do it. You show an interest in wanting to change for the better.  
Whether you have been drinking for only a short time, or for many years of your life, it is never too late to turn your life around and stop allowing Alcohol to run your life. If you find that you relate to many of the things on this list, you can reach out and get the help you need to stop your drinking today.  
Sobriety is Clarity, Creativity, Freedom! Community connection is the first step.
ReThink the Drink
Talk to Us in our Private anonymous community  at https://www.boozemusings.com/
If you need further help , call one of these two numbers:
Samhsa.gov hotline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357) 
Detox to Rehab: (866) 578-7471 
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We Drink to Be Free
We Drink to Be Wild
To break down the protective barrier
To open our bodies and hearts and minds
To connect with friends to connect with family to connect with ourselves
But drinking enslaves us
Those of us who drink with a singular passion
Those of us who become addicted
Slowly bit by bit
Year by year it wears us down
Becomes a ball and chain that we drag behind us
Our voices dulled by shame and doubt and insecurity
But it doesn't have to be that way
You can cut that chain
Whether your 20 or 30 or 60 you can take back your fire
Your fire may be soft and warm or it may be a raging inferno but can only grow if you stop wasting energy
on the drink/drunk/regret routine
Pour enough alcohol on that baby and it'll flash up in a fury than die quickly
Sober I AM a steady glow
a stable flame
and sometimes a raging inferno of creative energy
but I am NEVER extinguished
Today I will not drink.
Join Me! 
Rethink the Drink 
Find the voice you've lost 
Rekindle your flame
ReThink the Drink www.boozemusings.com
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Boozemusings by Ryan - 3M ago
I drink because I'm happy. I drink because I'm sad, lonely, angry or to reward myself for being sober for a week.
I drink because I want to. I drink when I don't want to. I drink for no reason and any reason. I drink today because I drank yesterday and want to feel better. But I won't. I drink alone sneaking bottles into my house so my neighbours won't see and slip the empties out in the trash for fear the recycling centre staff think I'm a drunk.
I drink because I feel helpless and weak. I don't drink because I feel helpless and weak.
There's the irony in it. I drink to feel better but don't. I drink to escape but remain a prisoner. I drink in celebration and create a tragedy. I revel at night and wallow in the morning.
It's hard to believe or comprehend. At times, impossible to deny. Painful to live with but less so to be without.
I am bruised and tired. I don't need that kind of hurt anymore. Today I will try just a bit harder. Today I will take one step towards healing. When today comes to an end I will have a yesterday behind me and a new day ahead. 
Sobriety is Clarity, Creativity, Freedom! Community connection is the first step.
ReThink the Drink
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Boozemusings by Arabella - 3M ago
I've tried sobriety too many times to count. 
It has been a developmental journey for me.
I was like a baby when I first realized that I had a problem. I was scared, pissy, and whiny. And while I've had many sober attempts, many moderation attemps, and some---I don't want to quit drinking attempts.  I grew through each phase.
My biggest problem was that I didn't want to stop drinking. It was the magical elixir.  Perhaps the biggest lie I've ever told myself. 
I want to stop, now: not out of shame, or because someone thinks I should, or because I am afraid.  I  am stopping for me.  There are many things I want to accomplish before I exit this earth. I can't do any of them under the influence.
I have great sorrow in my life. My heart has been so broken, that I could actually feel it. That has not changed.
What has changed is my ability to rise to the occasion, face my losses, and find a flicker of joy deep inside--I thought it was snuffed out. It was not. That was alcohol doing the talking.  No pink cloud, here. Just an abiding sense of humanity. 
Being alcohol free has given me:
-kindness
-thoughtfulness
-loss of self-centeredness
-compassion
-understanding
I am feeling so very different these days. 
My deep sadness has been replaced with a spark of joy. My depression is lifting. My anxiety has lessoned to almost being nonexistent. Although some things have not changed, I am changing.  I am actually singing with the radio again. 
When I examine what is different?
1) I am not drinking alcohol.
2) I am eating a sound, nutritional diet.
3) I am drinking enough filtered water.
4) I am actively working my recovery program.
5) I am using the skills I am learning: like, self care without condemnation. Affirming my pain without judgement. Choosing to change my perspective if the one I am using is causing me pain.
6) I am reconnecting with myself.  I've been absent for a long while.
I am tracking my progress with a purple heart.  At first.....I thought "no!" because purple hearts are reserved for heroes who show enormous courage to save another.
And then I realized: I am a hero.
Recovery is taking all the courage I've ever had and some I didn't know I had.....I am saving me. 
Yup. Purple Heart is more than appropriate.  
Sobriety is Clarity, Creativity, Freedom! Community connection is the first step.
ReThink the Drink
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