Having worked with singles for a past few years, I’ve come to realise that the trickiest part about dating isn’t meeting other singles. It’s making a relationship last. For some it could mean passing relationship ‘probation’ (the three month mark) and for others, it could be going from dating to getting engaged. That said, there’s nothing worse than having a guy tell you he needs space to ‘think’ or sort his sH*( out.
There are a few issues with this request:
1. The idea of space and time for him to work things out isn’t well defined. It often doesn’t come with a timeline. And it’s hard to tell whether the other person has had enough space and time to figure things out.
2. It leaves the relationship and you in limbo. What are you meant to do when he’s thinking over things? Is it acceptable to date? No one has written a set of rules for those who are on break. You’ll have to work out what those rules are.
3. You’re left thinking if this is just a drawn out way of breaking up. Because at the end of his self discovery could come a break up. And for some, taking a break is the perfect transition because it gives the guy a feel for what life would be without you.
So does he really need space or is it over?
Here are some questions you need to ask yourself. And don’t worry, we’ll go through steps you can take to navigate this tricky situation.
What’s his reasoning for needing space?
Some common reasons a guy may need space:
the relationship is going too fast, his feelings are developing quickly and he doesn’t know what to make of it
the relationship is about to his another milestone i.e. he’s thinking of proposing and wondering if you’re the ‘one’
his life is a mess and he needs to sort himself out before he can be in a relationship, many women I’ve coached have said ‘but if he really liked me, nothing else would matter’. This isn’t always true. Many guys want to sort themselves out, get all their ducks in a row before they feel they can bring their A game into a relationship.
2. Is this the first time he’s asked for space?
It’s normal to have doubts about your relationship sometimes, especially when things are rough. But if a guy is always bailing when things get rough, or when he wants to be single for the summer, he’s showing that he may not be the most reliable partner. Asking for space shouldn’t be a regular occurence.
3. Has he let you know how much time or space he needs?
The idea space and time is different for every person. Perhaps he just needs a weekend of ‘me’ time or a few days to focus on his work. If your guy hasn’t given you a timeframe, ask for it. Don’t be afraid to ask.
He’s asked you for space? Now what?
Once your relationship ‘break’ commences, you may not be able to get hold of your guy. Before that happens, here are a few questions you might want answers to:
How much space and time does he need?
What are the rules of engagement while you’re apart?
Are you both single and allowed to date?
Are you enforcing a no contact rule?
What happens if you live together? What will the living arrangements be like?
3. When is the deadline for the break? At some point, you’ll have to get together and decided
whether your relationship is back on or off.
Your relationship isn’t doomed just because a guy says he wants space
A guy may just need to get a breather to get some perspective, especially if a relationship is going through a transition.
What you can do while on a relationship break
give him space, lean right back
take the time to reflect on your relationship, is it healthy? are you happy?
fill your calendar so you’re not overthinking every social post he uploads
stay off social media altogether, your imagination will just run wild when he may just be home on a Friday night chilling with his dog.
What you need to know is, just because a guy wants a break, it doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. But if your relationship is always on and off, you may need to rethink if that’s the kind of relationship you really want.
Take the anxiety out of dating with mindset work. It’s 80% of what it takes to attract and maintain healthy love – people are getting ENGAGED thanks to having a solid mindset. Check out Mindset Makeover.
My favourite stage in a friendship/relationship is the point where you can skip the pleasantries and skip right to meaningful conversations. But getting to the good stuff requires both parties to be vulnerable. It requires asking the right questions. Cristian and I have been together for 4+ years and I’m always surprised when I learn something new about him – there is ALWAYS something new to learn. Ever since we got our puppy Fudge, we’ve spent so much more quality time together. More quality time means less time on our phones and it’s given us time to explore the questions that bring us closer. If you’re looking for some inspiration, here are a few questions for couples to get you started. For the full set of questions, you can grab a copy of my Questions for Couples book.
Quiz questions for couples
Which celebrities would your partner kiss, marry and shag?
What’s your partner’s favourite childhood past time?
Did your partner have imaginary friends growing up?
If your partner could go anywhere in the world tomorrow, where would he/she be?
Who is your partner’s celebrity hall pass?
Fill in the blank questions for couples
When we had our first kiss, I felt…
I knew we had something special when….
The first time I saw you, I felt…
When I look at your sometimes, I still feel…
I love you most when you…
Questions to bring you and your partner closer
Are you happy right now? Why or why not?
What can I do to make you feel loved and appreciated?
What can I do every day to make you feel special?
What’s stressing you out right now?
What can I do to make life easier for you?
Is there anything about our relationship you’d like to work on?
Do you feel you get enough time to do the things you love?
Do you think we spend enough time together?
What can we do to improve our relationship?
Is there anything you’ve been meaning to tell me?
It wasn’t until I had my bachelorette party that I realised just how little I knew about my husband. Don’t get me wrong. We didn’t rush into marriage or anything but there were little things I didn’t know. Little things
like his favourite song or whether he had stitches as a kid. Those little details about a person define
them. They’re fun to know. They’re important. Questions for Couples is dedicated to the little things. Have fun with the writing prompts, quizzes and the truth or dare challenges.
Tips for having quality conversations:
Allocate a time, like date night.
Pick a time where you’re at your best. The best conversations happen when you’re not stressed and tired from a hard day’s work.
If you know it may be a tense conversation, think about what outcome you want to achieve. Then think about your delivery.
Ask questions and be prepared to listen.
Create a safe space. Make it known that you’ve got your partner’s back, no matter what.
One of my most popular YouTube videos to date is a review of the top 5 dating apps of 2019. While they’re great in the way they function, not all are suited for those looking for a long term relationship. So if you’re looking for more than just a hookup or short term fling, here are the top 5 dating apps for those looking to get into a serious relationship.
One of the most popular apps of 2019, Coffee Meets Bagel recently underwent a few changes to distance itself from the hook-up culture. Stepping away from the typical features that most hook-up apps have, they’ve decided to get rid of swipes. It’s a move I definitely welcome seeing that they take the connection out of dating. I mean, imagine what dating apps would look like in real life… you wouldn’t swipe left and dismiss a person if you didn’t vibe with them. That’d be a bit rude. So why is it ok to do it online? Just like the 600+ comments I received in one of my recent videos – NOT ok.
But back to Coffee Meets Bagel. Aside from ditching all the typical dating app features, they’ve introduced: Chats before a match. Seeing that you only get one match a day, Coffee Meets Bagel now encourages you to chat to potential matches before you get matched up. Like Hinge, they’ll give you gentle nudges and conversation ideas.
Here’s where they stand re- dating in 2019:
“Take things slow” isn’t just good advice for when you’re already in a relationship. It applies to online dating, too. When you’re rushing to judge people just to get to the next match, it can feel like a game. But there are real people behind those profiles. So take things slow.- Coffee Meets Bagel on Twitter
If eHarmony had a younger cousin, it’d be Hinge. Hinge is one dating app I keep raving about. Their tagline is ‘Designed to be deleted’. Their mission is to help people find their ‘person’ so they can ditch dating apps for good. Like eHarmony, you’re asked a whole bunch of questions when you first sign up to the app – questions like your plans for marriage and children, religion and whether you’re looking for a partner who shares the same beliefs…etc. But unlike eHarmony, Hinge always asks you a whole bunch of fun ones. Expect to find writing prompts like:
The newish kid on the block, Once is a blend of a dating app mixed in with some good old fashioned matchmaking. The idea is that you comment and ‘rate’ as many dating apps as possible and then match makers will swoop in and give you a match a day that suits your preferences and is someone close to you geographically. At the odd times, you may get a match that’s a little further from you but that usually happens if they don’t find anyone suitable closer.
I think this one has potential but still a little ways to go. Reviews have reported a few bugs and I think they still need to work on their member uptake.
When it comes to dating online or offline, your success depends on mindset. Download the free Attraction Mindset Course (designed for my female readers).
When you’ve been single for years, dating after being single for a long time can be tricky.
Where do you start?
Which dating app should you use?
Has dating etiquette changed?
Here’s a step by step guide to get you started.
Start with your dating mindset
The best place to start if you’ve been single but haven’t been dating is actually in your mindset. How you feel and what you say about dating will determine what kind of experiences you’ll have in your love life. So, if you’re thinking that your efforts won’t work or that no one will want to date you, you’ll attract what you think to be true.
Action point: Evaluate your dating mindset. What are you saying about dating and relationships? What do you believe to be true?
Change your references
In studying the psychology of popularity, I learned that our experiences are shaped by how we interpret the messages we receive. For example, say at the end of a date a guy tells you he had a great time but doesn’t call/text for a few days until he asks you out again. Someone who’s always had healthy relationships (romantic or not) and good dating experiences to refer to may not look too much into it. Whereas, someone who hasn’t had the best experiences in dating may automatically revert to the thinking that a guy isn’t interested, or that they’re not enough…
In Mindset for Love, you’ll learn how to breakdown your dating references and recreate a mindset that’s set up for a healthy relationship.
Find out what makes you happy
You’d be surprised by the number of singles who date and don’t know what they’re looking for. Often when I speak to singles who’ve been single for awhile, they give me a generic list i.e. kind, tall, good head on his shoulders. They create a generic list because they don’t want to rule out a lot of people. The more the better right? No. It’s better to hone in on the type of guy who’ll make you happy other dating everyone and seeing what works out.
Make plans to date yourself
With dating apps, you can date every single night of the week if you want. While this sounds fun, it can also be draining. Before you dive in, map out a few days of the week just for dates. Keep all the others doing what you love. It’s easy to lose yourself in a sea of dates but one relationship you’ll always have is the one with yourself. It’s one relationship you should always nurture no matter what.
Embrace set back
The reality of dating is that you’re either going to marry them (or make a long term commitment) or break up with them. Not every date will be fantastic but every person will have something fresh to teach you. Find the lessons and see every date that doesn’t work out as a step closer to finding your ‘one’.
Good men are everywhere. Check out the School of Love if you want to improve your confidence in dating and attract HIM.
A video dedicated to the singles who are taking a break from online dating apps and in favour of meeting people the old fashion way. I 100% back this! Just make sure that before you have a healthy dating mindset before you get back into it. Freebie: Attraction Mindset Course.
I’ve always believed that you create your own luck in love. It’s why I’m not onboard with fortune telling. It assumes that our paths are determined and that we just need to sit back and wait for things to happen. But what it doesn’t account for are the many little steps and detours that ultimately get you from a to b. And sometimes the best advice isn’t from a blog or YouTube – it’s from you.
If you can sit still, be present and tune into your own thoughts, you’d be surprised by how much guidance you can give yourself, especially when you’re faced with questions like these:
Is my relationship worth saving?
Should I give a guy another chance?
This guy says he doesn’t want a relationship, is it worth waiting around for?
Am I with the right person?
Am I on the right path to meet my ‘one’?
I’ve always dabbled here and there with Tarot cards to give me guidance on decisions I’ve been unsure about. But I never came across a deck that resonated with me…until I came across Rebecca Campbell’s Work Your Light Oracle Cards.
They had a feeling of lightness other decks don’t have.
What it is:
A 44 card oracle deck with five suits that help to connect you with your intuition.
Confirmation cards – for quick guidance
Inquiry cards – help you tap into your inner guidance
Action cards – prompt you to do what it takes to make your dream happen
Activation cards – help you heal
Transmission cards – lead you to get support when you need it
I realise that this stuff errs on the side of woo-woo so let me give you an example of some of the cards in the deck. They’re a lot more easy to use than I thought:
The difference between tarot cards and oracle cards
I had to Google this myself. In short, tarot cards have a predetermined structure i.e. Knight of Cups, The Empress. All tarot decks have the same amount of cards – similar to regular playing cards. Oracle cards, on the other hand, are a little more creative. Some decks have more cards than others and each can range from a message of guidance to inspirational words.
Recently I posted a vlog about a man drought in Sydney and the numbers were definitely not in a single woman’s favour. Yet despite the imbalance between single women to men, people are still finding their forever guy. So how do you create an abundance of good men despite what stats tell you? This is an excerpt from a new book I’m working on. I’ll be releasing 3 chapters for FREE in the lead up to launch. Sign up to get it!
As a dating and relationship coach, I read many articles with research citing that there’s a man drought in major cities. While there may be an imbalance in numbers, I 100% believe that you can create a ManFest even in places where men may be scarce.
1. If you’re in the US, the divorce rate is sitting at about 50%. This means there is a constant influx of new singles in every age bracket.
2. If the ratio of women to men is about four to one, it may seem like the odds are stacked against you. But think of the number of women who may not be looking for love or unknowingly sabotaging themselves. Not every single woman will actively seek to improve themselves. You already have an advantage.
3. You don’t need to meet an abundance of men. Remember that it only takes one date for your life to change – just ONE. Many singles I meet are obsessed with the number of matches and dates they need to go on in a week. It’s not about quantity, it’s the quality of people you’re meeting. It’s the quality of the conversations you’re having. More on that later.
With this book, I’d like to shift your perceptions about men, dating and love. Let’s begin with this simple exercise. Make a list of all the single men you come across in a day. These could be your co-workers, Facebook friends, friends’ brothers/relatives. Make a list. When you’re going about your day, make note of all the attractive men you come across.
At the end of the day, take a tally. What’s the number?
I know you might be thinking the following:
I’m not attracted to the men on my Friend’s list.
I see men everyday but how do I know they’re single?
I never meet any men.
But I bet this exercise made you pay a little more attention to the men that surround you on a daily basis. If you’re experiencing a man drought, know that simple shifts in your thinking could have you seeing a different reality.
I read that every the brain processes 400 billion bit of information in a second but the conscious mind can only process 50 bits. If you constantly choose to believe there is a shortage of good men, your brain will actively look for evidence to support your belief. It’s called confirmation bias.
So for you to look towards a ManFest rather than a ManDrought, you need to reprogram your mind to look for good men, not turn your back against it while you’re looking for the scarcity of good men. This is what many refer to as ‘inner work’ or mindset for love as I call it. Learn about Mindset for Love here and sign up for the free course.
Man Drought in Australia? No worries. How to cope. - YouTube
Sometimes one book can change your life. For me, there were several that really made me rethink the way I viewed relationships. If you’re a bookworm, these are 5 books every single woman dating in their 30s should read.
I’ve reviewed this book on my channel but it’s one I recommend over and over again, especially to singles dating in their 30s. The book talks about attachment theory and how most people have one of three attachment styles. It explains why people feel anxious and needy in relationships and why others avoid intimacy and commitment. Lots of readers have written back with ‘aha’ moments. Loaded with quizzes for self-assessment and practical solutions to go from casual dating to a committed relationship.
Attached Book Review: Recap and explains why people are anxious in relationships - YouTube
Brene Brown is a researcher who talks about the power of vulnerability. So many people are afraid to be themselves in fear that people won’t like who they really are. Brene Brown unleashes myths about shame and vulnerability. Read it and you’ll learn how you can use your vulnerability to create intimacy in all your relationships.
Written by two doctors with their own podcasts, Boundaries in Dating is a best seller – and with good reason. Many of us know what we need to be happy in a relationship but we’re afraid to ask for it. This book teaches you how to set boundaries in dating so you can ask for the relationship you want.
Dr.Demartini is someone I’ve followed for years. His Demartini method has transformed lives in just short weekends. Use his method to address reoccurring conflict, remove dating blocks and help you understand why people behave the way they do.
Everyone shows love differently and Gary Chapman breaks it down here in 5 languages of love. Recognise your love language so you can communicate your needs to your partner/future partner. You’ll also learn how to spot others’ love language so you know how to express love in a way they’ll receive it.