Wild Flower is dedicated to offering the most innovative sexual wellness and adult store products in a sex positive and educational environment. We strive to create a radiant community through promoting self care, sexual well being, and an all inclusive atmosphere.
Our sexualities are as diverse as they are complicated. Ever fluctuating and evolving through our lives and experiences, your sexuality can affect all areas of your life, especially when neglected. There are so many ways to explore and engage with your capacity for sexual feelings other than partnered sex.
Of course masturbation is at the top of the list. Masturbation can be beneficial no matter your situation, sexuality, gender, or experience. This mood boosting, libido enhancing activity can help relieve tension and stress while boosting sleep patterns and productivity. Never tried it before? It’s never too late to create a bond with yourself via self pleasure. Furthermore, your relationship status doesn’t have to dictate if you masturbate or not. Your choice to pleasure yourself says nothing about your relationship, only about your relationship to yourself. Check out our article “16 Reasons to Masturbate” for more information.
Further Exploration: Expand Your Masturbation Habits
Since most habits around masturbation are formed within our early years, it can be hard to branch out and ‘mix it up’ if you’re used to making yourself climax a certain way. However, expanding play outside your comfort zones can have its benefits. First off, the power to come in many different ways aids our needs for diversity and excitement during sex. It also allows you to have a range of options when trying to orgasm with a partner. Pushing your masturbation boundaries also allows to discover new ways of feeling pleasure. Never used a vibrator? Treat yourself to one. Can only come in a certain position? Try gradually changing your position during masturbation. Want to explore orgasm via different erogenous zones other than your genitalia? Try mixing nipple or anal stimulation into your next self-love session.
2. Erotic Art
If something exists sexually, it’s surely been explored in some art form. Whether it be a painting, music, poetry, or photography, erotic art can be a great way to explore sexuality through someone else's lenses (literally). Wandering around most museums, especially contemporary, you’ll usually stumble upon something of the erotic nature. Better yet, make a special trip to museum that solely celebrates sexuality. A few in the US include the Museum of Sex in NYC, the World Erotic Art Museum in Miami Beach, the Leather Archives & Museum in Chicago, or the Erotic Heritage Museum in Las Vegas. If a museum trip is a little out of your way, a stroll through the erotic art section of your local bookstore will suffice.
Further Exploration: Create Your Own Erotic Art
Find something you really enjoy in the world of erotic art? Contribute your narrative and create your own sexy work. Once you distance yourself from the pressure of having to create a masterpiece, exploring your sexuality via an art form can be very freeing. Have a fantasy you’ve yet to explore in the real world? Paint what that would look like. Want to relive a special sexy experience you hold dear? Write an inspired poem. Want to honor your body for taking you on such erotic adventures? Capture your beauty in a picture. Remember these expressions can be personal, meaning you don’t have to show them to anyone if you don’t want to.
Porn can often get a bad rap. While it shouldn’t be a substitute to sexual education nor a standard to hold your own sexual experiences to, porn is an amazing form of entertainment that can give us insight as well as pleasure. Pornography allows us to explore fantasies via performers and, if selected ethically and appropriately, can support diversity of sexual narratives. Do you watch porn? What kind of porn do you enjoy? Where is your porn coming from and who makes it? Are you wanting to branch out into new areas of pornography?
Even though the internet is overrun with pornography, it may require a little more digging and opening your wallet to explore some ethically made porn. Some great resources include Frolicme, Lust Cinema, X Confessions, TrenchCoat X, Pink Label TV, and Crash Pad Series. Furthermore, Patreon and Findrow are great ways to support independent porn makers and erotic content creators. If print is more your thing, check out the amazing Math Magazine.
Further Exploration: Porn In Public Or Creating Your Own.
If your overly comfortable in your porn watching routine, you need to mix it up! A great way to broaden your erotic horizons if to watch porn or erotica in a public or communal space. Many independent or indie theaters have special weekly or monthly erotic screenings. There are also many erotic film festivals, like Dan Savage’s “Hump Fest”, the New York Erotic Film Festival, the New York Queer Experimental Film Festival, Cinekink, SF Transgender Film Festival, the Berlin Porn Film Festival, and many more.
Another way to explore porn as it relates to your own sexuality is to make your own! If this peaks your interest, don’t think you need to create an elaborate production. Your smartphone and your imagination are all you really need. Film yourself masturbating to visually discover the ways you enjoy pleasure or plan an erotic film where you explore a fantasy you’ve yet to try.
4. Read about your sexuality
There are so many books about sex, love, sexuality, sexual experiences, and gender, you’re bound to find a few out there to suit your needs. From how-to guides to memoirs, there is a plethora of information at your fingertips via the world of literature. Diving into a book can be a great way to discover fantasies and well as gain knowledge about experiences your looking to try. My personal favorites are “Sexual Intelligence” by Marty Klein, “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolk, ‘The Purity Myth” by Jessica Valenti, “Sex for One” by Betty Dodson, “Transgender 101” by Nicholas Teich, “Persistence: All Ways Butch and Femme”, “The Ultimate Guide to Kink” by Tristan Taormino, “Perv” by Jesse Bering, and “The Happy Hooker” by Xaviera Hollander.
Further Exploration: Read About Other Sexuality Or Book Clubs
Educating yourself about someone else's sexual experiences or outlook can act as a mirror to your own. No only will it expand your knowledge, reading about sexuality other than your own can enhance empathy, understanding, and ultimately your ideas of inclusion. It can be especially enlightening reading from the viewpoint of your partner or people your attracted to or sleeping with. Creating a book club is also a great way to further explore gaining sexual knowledge via literature. Processing and discussing books together can help expand concepts you may have missed, give input on circumstances you don’t understand fully, and create a sense of community around ideas.
5. Attend A Sex Party
The popularity of sex parties are on the rise, as singles and couples take their sex out of the bedroom and into clubs, parties, hangouts, meet ups, and kinky venues. Not only is this a great way to enjoy a little exhibitionism or voyeurism, sex parties allow like minded people to meet and mingle in a safe, consensual, and sexy atmosphere. Having sex in a shared space can be a scary thought for some, therefore most parties encourage first timers to observe before they dive in. Some clubs and venues even offer kissing or flirting parties for a newbie to dip their toes in. Sex parties happen all over the US, while most permanent venues are located in large metropolitan areas. For more tips on sex party etiquette check out our blog “So you want to have group sex”.
Further Exploration: Participate, Explore Kink Parties, Or Throw Your Own
Once you’ve checked out the scene and become comfortable, expand on your participation or find an event that suits your particular desires. Once you get to know a few people, you’ll most likely be invited or informed of other parties. There’s a party out there for every fantasy. Want to try BDSM? Kink and fetish parties are a great way to learn new skills as long term players love to share. Into feet? Foot worship parties allow those who love feet and those who love the attention to mingle and meet. Turned on by nature? Forest hangouts and eco-sexual events combine the fun of a sex party with the pleasure of the outdoors. Can’t find a party? Consider throwing your own! The book “The Ethical Slut” is a must for further exploring sex parties.
6. Take a class
Like any other skill, developing skills around sexuality can benefit by taking a class. There are many classes, demonstrations, panels, speakers, and lectures to suit all needs and tastes. Some good places to look are at local sex stores, colleges & universities, social centers, and via class finding websites. Find educators via social media or sign up for the mailing lists of your favorite authors and speakers to keep informed about upcoming events.
Further Exploration: Attend A Workshop
Much like a class, a workshop usually focuses on a skill, however offers you more of a ‘hands on’ experience. Workshops can be great way to expand your knowledge, learn as you go, and also make new friends with similar interests. Hands on workshops are common in more metropolitan areas, but for those living outside the big cities, weekend getaway workshops are a great way to immerse yourself in a new sexy skill.
7. See A Therapist
Let’s face it, most of us could benefit from giving our sexuality some support. With astonishing rates of sexual violence in the US, combined with harsh cultural stereotypes, and topped off with sexual based discrimination, many of us deal with some combination of shame, fear, and/or unhealthy expectations around sex. Spending some time talking to a therapist or social worker about your sexuality and past sexual experiences may allow you to process, learn, and evolve your understanding of your own sexuality. The right therapist can help guide us past so of the road blocks that are preventing us to enjoy sex fully, engaging in a relationship, or developing your self esteem. Seeing a mental health professional is never a sign of defeat - it’s a positive commitment to yourself.
Further Exploration: Join A Support Group
Finding community via support groups can be an amazing aid in nurturing your sexuality. Sharing experiences with people who truly understand your circumstances can be empowering, enlighten, and informative. There are many meetups defined by someone’s sexuality, from their sexual preferences, sexual experiences, physical boundaries, and personal preferences. Meetup.com can be a helpful places to find these groups as well as the events sections of your local clinics, and community centers.
8. Move Your Body
The essence of sexual pleasure is a positive body image. Engaging your body and moving it in ways that feel good is vital in creating and maintaining this positive image. Finding the kind of exercise or daily movement that works for you can mean some trial and error, however it’ll be worth the hunt. Some people enjoy the endorphin burst of high impact cardio, others enjoy the slow burn of weight lifting. Getting out in nature by taking hikes may be right for you, or creating a spiritual connection via yoga might hit the sweet spot. Either way, try to incorporate your favorite ways to move your body into your routine to avoid it seeming like a chore or an afterthought.
Further Exploration: Make Your Movement Erotic
Are you interested in exploring sexual sensation via movement and breath? There are a few methods that can take your body affirming activities to the next orgasmic level. Tantra maybe the most commonly known method and can be adapted for every experience. Read Barbara Carellas’s amazingly inclusive book “Urban Tantra” as a starting point. Orgasmic yoga, naked yoga, and energy orgasm meditation are so great avenues to explore new ways to feel and enhance pleasure.
Over the past week, we’ve received hundreds of submissions from you sharing your most memorable ‘bad sex’ stories. Many of us have had some kind of embarrassing, uncomfortable, or awful sex, yet when are we ever invited to talk about these experiences? Sometimes we joke about them with friends, other times we push them to the back of our mind, label them as horrible, and try to forget they ever happened. The thing is, within these experiences may lay important lessons to learn.
‘No Bad Sex’ is about making a pledge to learn from our sexual mishaps in a constructive way. To use these past experiences as lessons to get closer to the pleasure we want and the type of sex we want to be having. All sexual experiences are valid and all sexual experiences shed a little light on our personalities, our wants, our desires, our associations, and our relationships to sex and ourselves.
Together we are going to review some of the most common mistakes that can lead to bad sex, and create tools that can support our sexual explorations. Remember, it takes two or more to have partnered sex and you can’t control someone else’s actions, just your own reactions. While these lessons can help guide us, they can’t completely prevent a bad time (unless maybe you make your lovers read this article first!)
Before we dive into some of these hilarious, uncomfortable, and downright embarrassing stories, we first need to address rape, sexual abuse, harassment, and sexual violence. When creating “No Bad Sex” and asking people to share their bad sex stories, we purposely were very vague in our wording. We wanted to create a space where everyone felt comfortable in sharing their stories and experiences, however they categorised them. As anticipated we got many stories involving sexual violence and we are so grateful to everyone who shared stories like this.
With sexual violence happening at disgustingly high rates and the lingering trauma that follows playing a significant role in many people’s sex lives, it’s vital that we make rape and abuse part of the sexual health conversation. That said, we have chosen to leave these stories out of this article for a few reasons.
We want to honour the people who shared these intimate stories. We are so happy that you were able to share with us, and each submission was read thoroughly, leading to a lot of tears and some anger on our behalf. People who shared these stories are still in the running to win.
We understand that reading these stories may be triggering for some. Not everyone is able to confront their trauma so directly and we would never want force that on anyone.
We don’t support calling rape and abuse sex - these are acts of violence and should be treated as such.
This article is for the purpose of analysing and learning from our mistakes around sex in a collective way. Being the survivor of a sexual attack is never your fault. It is not on the person who has experienced sexual violence to analyse what they could have done differently to avoid such attack. It is not your fault - it falls on the abuser and our culture’s acceptance of systemic sexual violence.
The dynamics around sex can be complicated. In society, we’re taught so many things about how we should act around sex, it can be confusing to really act on what we want. Sometimes we can feel like we have to do something to please another person, to make a situation come to an end, because we’re being pushed to, or to not to feel shamed. While some form of consent is given, we may not actually want to do these actions. The ‘enthusiastic yes’ rule is a good one to go by. If you’re not excited or wanting to do something enough that you could enthusiastically yell “YES!” if asked, reconsider if you should be giving consent at all.
Here are some submissions demonstrating examples of where consent was given, but not in an enthusiastic way.
We talk a lot about communication at Wild Flower. We do this in an attempt to normalise using language during sex to ultimately get what you want, and help your partner get some pleasure too. However, it is easier said than done. Sometimes words escape us during awkward moments. Here are a few stories when speaking up would have helped. If you find yourself struggling with communicating your wants and needs, check out our blog post on “Developing Better Communication During Sex”.
Our intuition and our response to chemistry are very closely intertwined. The idea or visual of someone can be very appealing from a distance, yet as we get closer, these feelings can change. Meeting people via apps and online sites have complicated these circumstances as we don’t get the same responses during a physical negotiation versus a virtual one. Paying attention to the chemistry you feel with someone and what your intuition is telling you can be the difference between a bad sexual experience and a good one. Here are some examples where a lack of chemistry was ignored.
While sex can be a fairly intuitive act, we all need some information from time to time. From knowing how a partner’s body works, to understanding the ins and outs of a new toy, or doing your research on a sexual fantasy, being clear on how something is done makes all the difference. In movies and TV shows, we’re constantly shown two people whose eyes meet, then suddenly rip each other’s clothes off, doing wild sex acts, and having mind blowing orgams. Unfortunately this is not how sex works for most of us. These following stories show the importance of taking a moment to check in with yourself before the action and plan your next sexual adventure a little more carefully.
Confidence is an elusive thing. We are told to develop more of it, yet too much is a bad thing. Confidence is almost a kind of mindfulness — a blending of having the information you need, being aware of the moment, and being true to your own sexual self. Furthermore trying to gain this feeling of sexual confidence via the help of alcohol and drugs is never a good idea. Here are all examples of where a lack of confidence in your sexuality, your body, or your experience lead to unwanted situations.
If you're familiar with the BDSM or kink communities, then you know how much planning goes into every play session. The who, what, when, how, and with what tools or toys are not something that can be left to surprise. This extra planning doesn’t detract from the fun, but does ensure everyone is having the fun they want to be having.
A common misconception is that great sex has to be spontaneous, but that simply isn’t true. In long term partnerships, it’s not uncommon for the spur of the moment activities to subside as real intimacy grows. The key to keeping or developing a satisfying sex life, perhaps, may be planning ahead. Planning sex is a great way to improve both quality and quantity of sex in a long term partnership.
It makes sex a priority again
Being busy seems like a way of life for some of us as work days get longer. Then there’s workouts, doctor appointments, and social engagements eagerly filling up our calendars. By the time the day is done, we just don’t have the energy to even think about sex. If this sounds like your situation, planning sex could be ideal for you. By slotting some sexy time in your calendars, sex becomes a priority again. It may seem unusual at first to see ‘sex’ on your to do list, but why not? We plan other enjoyable events like brunches or dinners with friends and just because they’re scheduled, it doesn’t make them any less fun.
Engages you in a conversation about your sexual needs
We all have different sexual needs, and these needs are fluid and constantly evolving. Planning sex allows you the chance to discuss the kinds of sex you want, and renegotiate your sexual needs with your partner. How often would you like to have sex? Would you like to explore new and different ways of having sex? What kinds of sex are you yearning for?
Consent shouldn’t be reserved for first time hookups only. Consent is a fluid thing and boundaries change, evolve, and break down over time. Despite this constant flux, conversations around consent get lost in many long term partnerships. Don't let this happen to you! You should feel confident to express to your partner what you want, what you don’t want, and any boundaries you may have no matter how long you’ve been together.
Planning sex imitates practices from dating
Scheduling a date for sex in a long term relationship isn’t that different than a date when you first meet someone. There are plans, maybe not as explicit as sex, but there is an expectation of hopefully having some intimate interactions. This excitement and anticipation can revive and relive some feelings and excitement of first dates for long term partners.
You’ll probably have more sex in anticipation or in the wake
Just knowing you’re in for some sexy times can be an arousing thought. Many people who plan sex end up having sex in anticipation or afterwards, using the memories as more fantasy fuel. Planning a sex date can be something you can look forward together and enjoy via teasing texts and exciting emails.
A great time to introduce new experiences, toys, and fantasies
During your date, you can enjoy any kind of sexual contact you prefer. It doesn’t have to be penetrative sex. Use this shared time to explore massage, oral sex, sensual touch, or laying naked together. Or maybe you have a fantasy you’d like to explore? Spur of the moment activities aren’t the best time to introduce new things to your partner. If you have a sexy fantasy or what to play with a new sex toy, it’s better to have a conversation beforehand, rather than surprising your partner. This pre-planning also allows you both to be invested, being able to pick out toys and develop a fantasy together.
It allows you to prepare
Yes, spontaneous can be fun, but what about those times when you don’t feel 100% prepared? Do you feel sexier after a shower, or with your favorite underwear on? Don’t want to be expected to perform after a grueling workout or maybe you just masturbated? Having the time to prepare can be fundamental in having the great sex you want and deserve. This preparation also allows you to create a safe and erotic space, whether in your bedroom or someplace new.
Life can naturally take a toll on relationships and without constant effort and ‘check ins’, it can be easy to drift apart. Taking the time to plan sex dates with your partner shows you both are willing to dedicate actual time to your sex life. This, combined with the added communication, only brings couples closer and helps intimacy grow stronger.
Scheduling sex can lead to other planned relationship time
If you get on board with planning sex with your partner, this planning can evolve into other relationship activities. Try date nights out, movies time, cooking dinner together, or even time to tackle some chores together. You may find that planning what you do together helps expectations to be met and communication to be clearer.
Sexual or erotic fetishism is defined as a sexual fixation on an object or non-genital part of the body. The spectrum of sexual fetish is vast and they manifest in different ways for everyone. Some people become aroused by a part of the body not traditionally considered sexual, like feet or hair. Others develop a particular lifestyle that allows them to live out their fetish on a temporary or full time basis. Fetishes and erotic lifestyles come in all forms and variants, from common to extreme.
How are Fetishes Developed?
There are a few theories on how sexual fetishes are developed, yet they all gravitate around the idea of experiences and how we process those certain experiences. A lot of people develop fetishes during childhood and adolescence when hormones are developing and causing sexual impulses. There is an association made between sexual arousal and a particular item, body part, or experience. They find it pleasurable, so they continue using it in a sexual way until a habit is developed.
Certain sexual fetishes can also be linked to personality traits. A great example of this is BDSM. The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality did a study on 270 BDSM practitioners and found they had common personality traits of empathy, honesty-humility, conscientiousness, openness to experience, altruism, and agreeableness.
Fetishes are a by-product of humanity’s biggest evolutionary advantage: adaptability. A notable example of this is foot fetish. The rising commonality of foot fetish seem to climax during times when the rate of sexually transmitted disease is at its highest. Perhaps foot fetishes have been most prevalent during these times as a way to avoid direct sexual contact that could spread infection, yet still enjoy a comparable sensation. The areas of the brain that are stimulated during genital arousal are similar to those stimulated when feet are touches and rubbed. Ever get aroused after a sexy foot massage? This neurological connection could be the reason.
Not all fetishes are directly related to sexual release. Exploring fetishes for some can be more about relaxation, comfort, and stress relief. Indulging in these fetishes allow people to reminisce about the simpler times of childhood, where these fetishes most likely developed. This is especially apparent in age play and ABDL (adult baby diaper lovers).
Can Fetishes be Harmful?
There are some theories that fetishes are a result of sexual trauma, however this isn’t always the case. A lot of mentally sound people have fetishes, and exploring them is considered healthy. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), published by the American Psychiatric Association, states that most people with atypical sexual interests do not have a mental disorder.
What if your fetish is an occurrence of a mental irregularity? No sex should be painful, physically or mentally. If a certain sexual fetish or habit you have is uncomfortable or upsetting, causing distress or impairments to your usual function, it maybe time to seek help.
Almost anything can be fetishized. It gets problematic when the fetishization of objects or activity is traded for people. Fetishizing someone because of their race, body, or age sexualizes them in a way that is discriminatory and dehumanizing. Breaking down the multi-dimensions of a person down to one attribute to be fetishized is harmful.
If you find yourself harboring a sexual fetish that you think is harmful to you or others, there is professional help in the form of talk therapy, hypnosis, and regressive therapy that can break down unwanted associations. Cognitive behavioral therapy is most popular in identifying, deconstructing and substituting unwanted fetishes.
Tips on How to Explore a Fetish?
If you have a fetish, you probably know it or will discover it in a natural way. Though you may not label it as such, it may be something you naturally incorporate into masturbation or sexual activity. If you’re looking to explore different fetishes and kinks as a whole, you’re more likely to be a kinkster or someone who finds erotic stimulation from the naughty, social taboo, or the previously unexplored. Either way, here are a few tips on where to get started in your exploration.
You can find a lot of kink and fetish videos right on Youtube. It takes time, effort, and skill to master handling a flogger or finding the perfect latex outfit, and people want to show off their hard work.
Watching fetish videos is also a great way to understand how you want to explore your fetish. Love the idea of latex but can’t stand the thought of sensory deprivation? Maybe your latex fetish would be best explored through clothing and visuals, rather than restrictive blankets and hoods that focus more on the texture. A lot of fetishes are incorporated into porn but keep in mind your explorations don’t have to follow to typical sexual narrative if you don’t want them to.
If you can think of it, someone has probably written a book about it. The same can be applied to literature about fetishes. There are a multitude of books of books on fetish as well as great kink manuals. A well rounded kink guide is ‘The Ultimate Guide to Kink’ by Tristan Taormino.
Having a fetish you want to explore but having no immediate friends or partners that share the interest can seem isolating. Seeking a community can be a great way to normalize your fetish as well as learn tips and build friendships. There are large communities that range from city or statewide BDSM scenes to smaller, special interest groups.
Fetish sites like FetLife are great starting points to find these communities. Remember when dealing with anyone via the internet, especially concerning meetups, opt for large groups in public spaces and let a friend or loved one know where and when you’ll be attending.
What’s your sexual fetish?
“I get pedicures just because my girlfriend wants my toes inside of her.”
"I remember as a child getting candle wax on my hand. After the momentary pain subsided, I was obsessed with the way it looked on my skin- smooth and soft. I've been hooked every since."
“She wanted to reach around and hold my dick while I peed.”
“Spanking. I never understood why you'd want to get hit. I didn't understand how that could be pleasurable at all. My boyfriend and I tried it playfully once and we both loved it. Now, it's a huge turn on.”
“I like electro play. With a violet wand or similar setup you have to hold a small rod that turns you into a conductor, from there anyone that touches you or any metal that grazes you will spark at different levels. The bench I decided to try this on happened to have a large metal bar reinforcing it inside the cushion and backing, I touched the rod and got shocked hard from my asshole all the way up my back to the neck.”
“Dated a girl who was really into The Dark Knight. Next thing I know she's bought us costumes and I'm sweating profusely in a rubber Batman mask while giving it to a female Joker. Enjoyed roleplay ever since.”
“Feet and I don't really know how, my earliest memory of it was in fifth grade I had a crush on a girl and she took her shoes off during math and I could not take my eyes off them for almost two hours.”
“I like when I feel eyelashes on my buttcheeks.”
“Rimming. I thought it was gross, until I tried it. As long as your partner maintains good basic hygiene, and takes a shower beforehand and washes it out well, I feel that it’s no more "germy" than any other orifice on the human animal. That being said, I now fucking love eating ass.”
“Latex glove fetish. Worked in the medical field for years.”
“Tickling. Not 100% sure where it started. Being tickled always made me feel "funny," so I hated it when family members would do it, just felt too intimate. When I was young a friend of mine pinned me on her bed and made me hold my arms over my head while she tickled my armpits, and scolded me every time I pulled my arms down. I’ve loved it ever since.”
“Balloons. Simple as it sounds. I really enjoy blowing up and popping balloons in various ways. It was originally a severe phobia. As a child I would avoid parties, and any place were balloons were likely to be around. Sometime during puberty I discovered that this crippling fear would cause an adrenaline rush. I don't remember much of the process but I remember one day I was tired of being afraid so I started blowing balloons up, convincing myself that I needed to get over it. Next thing I know I'm sitting on them, bouncing repeatedly until they bust and I'm so turned on I can't help myself. The balloons weren't the only thing that exploded that day.”
Looking to explore group sex but don’t know where to begin? Beginning your journey into the world of group sex can seem overwhelming, however it doesn’t need to be! Follow these simple steps to assure your group sex adventurers are nothing less than amazing.
What are your specific fantasies?
Group sex can mean a lot of different things. Here are just a few examples of group sex that you maybe looking to explore:
Circle Jerk is where members of the same sex participate in mutual masturbation.
Daisy Chain is where participants give and receive oral sex in a circular formation.
Gang Bang is where a number of people perform sex acts on one person
Double Penetration is where one person is simultaneously penetrated by two people.
Threesomes or Foursomes are pretty self explanatory and can involve any combination of genders or sexual orientations.
Orgies are where participants freely engage in all forms of sex acts usually in one big group.
Partner swapping or swinging is where couples switch partners with another couple.
It’s also a good idea to think about the kind of persons you’d like to participate in the fun. Do you have any preference when it comes to age, gender, or sexual orientation? Are you looking to play with couples, singles, or both? Do you want your activities to include any kink or BDSM related play?
Navigating while in a relationship
If you’re looking to explore group sex while in a relationship, it requires an honest conversation with your partner. It’s never a good idea to go explore sexual fantasies with others without the consent and support of your partner. Talk about if this is something they would like to join you in exploring. If not, do you have permission to explore this solo? If they do want to participate, what are their specific fantasies and how can you satisfy both of your wants while respecting one another’s boundaries?
This exploration could include having sex in close proximity to other couples while never making contact with another person. Maybe you would like to attend a sex club just to watch (be sure to check that this is ok as per the party rules). Whatever you decide on, be sure that both you and your partner are happy and keep in mind, this may be the first of many future adventures.
Find your people
If you’re seeking an addition to your relationship, online dating apps can be a great way to introduce a third person or put yourself out there as a unicorn for a lucky couple to find. Hook up apps can also be a great way to find small orgies or impromptu events.
Organized sex parties or clubs are another way to delve into the world of group sex and many parties and clubs have specific themes to fit what you’re looking for. Sometimes these events can be found via your local kink scene and require you to be part of the group in order to be extended an invite.
However if you’re looking for something specific that you can’t find at your local sex club or kink scene, create your own group sex experience by throwing your own sex party. By hosting your own party, you can have say on the inclusion and dynamics of the people involved.
Make sure everyone is on the same page for the plans for the evening by acquainting yourself with the rules posted by clubs and parties or creating and sharing your own. This can include contact information, background checks, referrals, arrival time, outfits, conduct, tips on communication and STI protection. Remember these rules are in place to assure that everyone has good times within a comfortable and safe environment. Rules can also be the personal rules you set for yourself within the group sex dynamic. Maybe you set a rule to stay sober, allowing you to be more in control of the situation or create a plan to pace yourself throughout the event.
STIs are on the rise as we currently have the highest number of reported cases ever in our society. Let this inspire you (rather than scare you) to make good choices about using protection. Most clubs and organized parties supply condoms and require that they are mandatory for play but it’s never a bad idea to come prepared. Bringing your own supply of condoms, dental dams, and lube will insure your safety as well as access to your preferred method of birth control.
Getting things started
Most sex parties at professional sex clubs have come up with a variety of ways get the party started including drinks and apps, porn looping on TV screens, and even paid professionals to make the first move. If you’re throwing your own party or are attending a smaller scale event, the nervousness and excitement can get in the way of the first moves being made. Avoid awkward situations by having everyone introduce themselves and talk about their previous sex party experiences.
Sex toys can be a great way to ‘break the ice’. By having a selection of vibrators, anal plugs, dildos and/or cock rings present on a coffee table or bedside tables can be a fun way to get the conversation going. After you get past the giggles of it all, sex toys are the perfect prompt to discuss what your into, what sensations you like, and what you’re willing to try with others.
Cuddling, massage, and light kissing are all great ways to make small moves to build up to something bigger. Whatever the situation maybe, feel empowered to take control of your experience.
Since we haven’t figured out reading one another's minds yet, clear communication is a must for a smooth group sex session. This includes asking permission to touch, join, or perform certain acts on someone. It’s also important to read the body language and nonverbal communication that is happening. If two or more people are participating in a really hot scene that they seem super engaged in, don’t interrupt. If they are looking around, making eye contact, smiling, or making other moves that suggest you’re welcome, approach and use your words to see if it’s ok to engage. Communication and consent are very sexy at a sex party.
A big part of communication is listening and honouring the responses you get. What happens if you ask someone to play and they say no? Then you acknowledge the response, don’t take it personally, and you move on to find another play partner. This does require you to put your ego aside in ways that you may not be used to, but it vital in keeping the dynamics of the party comfortable. You never know what boundaries a person has set for themselves personal and they may not explain them to you in the moment. Maybe they only want to play with a certain gender. Maybe they are nervous and want to watch the action before jumping in. You simply don’t know, so don’t jump to assumptions.
Have an open mind
Having boundaries is every sexual activity is important to your own sense of safety yet having an open mind can take your group sex participation to the next level. Being open to new ideas and people will only enhance your involvement and you may even learn something new about what you find pleasurable. Having an open mind is also vital in the sex party setting when engaging with other gender expressions and sexual orientations. Respecting the way that other people are enjoying sexual pleasure is necessary to keep everyone safe and happy. This includes not staring, commenting, showing disgust, or laughing at anyone else. If this seems like something you can’t handle, then maybe rethink your participation in a group sex situation.
Oh jealousy. We’ve all experienced it and sometimes it can seem to overwhelming to control. Sex parties and group sex can be an ideal situation for jealousy to occur, even if you’re flying solo. But there are some ways you avoid giving into the feelings of jealously and staying in the moment. Communication before and after the event is your best guard against jealous feelings. If something makes you feel weird, say it. Another would be to empathize with the person you are having jealous feelings about. Put yourself in their shoes and truly ask yourself the question “why are their actions bugging me?”. If they are breaking rules and boundaries previously set then you’re feelings maybe valid, however if they are playing by the rules, try to focus on the pleasure they are having and seek that pleasure for yourself. This can be especially hard for couples engaging in group sex for the first time but remind yourself that of your intentions to explore together in an effort strengthen your relationship.
Sex party FOMO
FOMO or fear of missing out is something we’ve all had to deal with at one point or another and the sex party scene is no different. At a sex party or club, watching other people, you may find yourself thinking “Why isn’t that me?” It’s ok! Sex parties can last for hours and you most likely won’t be having sex for every second of that. Lower your expectations, pace yourself, and enjoy the erotic sites around you.
FOMO can also occur in a threesome, where two partners seem to be having more play time together, leaving one person out. If you find yourself being that person, let the fun happen for a couple of minutes, enjoying what you see. It's perfectly fine to get back into the action by saying something like "Can I get into some of this fun?".
FOMO is just a form of jealousy which is caused by unrealistic expectations and harmful self comparison. Everyone is there to enjoy themselves so allow yourself to have fun too!
Process the experience
After making your group sex fantasies come true, it’s important to process your experience. Try to do this within the next couple of days, giving you time to let the excitement of the activities subside and you can think about the experience in a more subjective way. What did you enjoy or not enjoy? What would do do differently? Were you happy with your conduct and the conduct of others? Do you want to explore group sex again? If you’re in a relationship, this can be a great time to use conversation to avoid any jealousy or resentment and discuss how you would like any future group activities to occur.
Due to cultural stigma against pleasure, group sex can seem intimidating and taboo. However it has been a part of healthy sex lives for many years and can be a great addition to your personal sexual exploration. Remember to take it slow, leave your expectations at the door, and have fun!
Differing sexual libidos is a common relationships problem, especially during long-term partnerships. However, with some effort and compromise, bridging the gap between your sexual desires can sometimes be achieved.
Be self aware
Before engaging in a conversation with your partner, it’s important to be aware of your own libido and how it may have changed over time. Sex drive is very fluid, going up and down throughout our lives due to changing circumstances. These fluctuations can depend on lifestyle factors like smoking, too much caffeine, stress, medication, changes in hormones, or general health.
It’s also important to ask yourself the hard questions. A low sex drive maybe related to some underlying relationship issues. Are you feeling attracted and loving towards to your partner? Are there any anger or mistrust issues that aren’t being discussed? Do you find yourself thinking about getting out of this relationship? There maybe issues far greater than mismatched libidos that needs to be addressed.
Take Responsibility of your libido
Your sex drive is your responsibility. Though you should never feel guilty or shameful about the amount of sex you want, it’s important to claim ownership over your libido. Don’t blame your sex drive, or lack of one, on your partner. Doing so will only make your partner defensive. In contrast, understand that if your partner has a lowered sexual libido, it’s probably nothing personal against you.
Have the Talk
Have a conversation outside the bedroom to discuss the imbalances in your sex life. Approach from a place of understanding with a goal of the conversation being to find a compromise that works for both of you. Understand if your partner feels sexually satisfied and if all of their needs are being met. Here are 5 things to explore if you are experiencing a mismatch in libidos.
1. Focus On Arousal
It is a common and harmful notion that desire should just occur spontaneously every time. While spontaneous sex may occur more frequently during the first few months of a relationship, long term partnerships need to put in the work to create arousal. Massages, taking a shower together, cooking a meal, and watching a sexy movie are all great ways to create responsive desire. This could also help broaden the range activities you both find sexual and make for some great foreplay.
2. Introduce Sex Toys
Numerous surveys and studies have shown that sex toys can enhance libido. This is down to the fact that many people, mainly those with vaginas, don’t reach orgasm easily via penetrative sex. Maybe you or your partner aren’t achieving the climax you’re looking to achieve during the sex, therefore causing interest to decline. Introducing a sex toy shouldn’t be viewed as competition. Sex toys will be able to bridge the gap between you and your partner, making everyone happy.
There are many great couples toys on the market that are made to enhance the sex you are already having. The Dame Fin is a great bullet toy that acts as an extension of the fingers, the We-vibe Sync can be worn vaginally during penetration, and the Tenga smart ring combine the sensation of a cock ring and a vibrator in one. Also ensure you’re using lubrication during sex to avoid any unnecessary pain or discomfort.
There maybe situations when one partner is horny and another isn’t. Take the shame and embarrassment out of self pleasure by encouraging one another to masturbate during these times. Though it may not be the equivalent to partnered sex, it can provide sexual relief and avoid any resentment from building. Even if your partner is masturbating when you don’t feel sexual, you can still be part of the experience. Lying close to your partner, rubbing their thighs or nipples, or allowing them to view your naked body are all great ways to enhance your partner's experience.
4. Opening up
If you are in a monogamous partnership, consider opening up the relationship or exploring being ‘monogamish’. There are so many ways to explore an open relationship, from playing with a third person together to being polyamorous, and the whole spectrum in between. Communication is a vital part to opening up as you consider the restrictions and circumstances you’re comfortable with and can prevent you from growing apart as you explore. Some people prefer not knowing about their partner's explorations, while others want to know every detail. Some prefer to know the person, while others prefer it to be anonymous or with a professional sex worker. Some couples have set date nights while others reserve these rendezvous for business trips or work travel.
Ask yourself what you would be comfortable with and continuously revisit your feelings on the situation. I would suggest both ‘The Ethical Slut’ and ‘Designer Relationships’ as further reading about opening up your relationship.
5. Be Realistic
Being realistic about the future of your relationship after all avenues of compromise have been explored is vital. Differences in sex drive can be overlooked in the short term, but can harmful to a partnership over time. Sometimes the sexual dynamic can become so tarnished, it’s impossible to rebuild. Studies have shown that sexual incompatibility is the top deal breaker in relationships. One third of people said they would leave their partner if their libidos didn’t match. Discuss the pros and cons of ending the relationship to help understand if this is the right direction for you to take.
Being sex positive can be defined as being open and progressive in your attitude around sex with an emphasis on pleasure and consent. Sounds pretty straight forward, but when it’s applied to the realities of life, it can become very nuanced. In 2018, we have seen the social climate around sex change with the exposure of sexual harassment and abuse, the fight for trans people's inclusion, concern around the need for unbiased sexual education. Narratives about sexual experiences are starting to get the inclusion they deserve (though there is still A LOT of work to be done). With all of this change happening, how can we employ sex positivity in specific ways to benefit us and progress our culture towards inclusivity?
Understanding What Sex Positivity Doesn’t Define
It is first important to check our misconceptions about what being sex positive entails. Being sex positive doesn’t define anything other than your attitude towards sex. It’s doesn’t define the type sex you have (other than consensual), the people you choose to have sex with, or the amount of sex you have. People who define themselves as A-sexual can be just as sex positive as those who enjoy frequent and casual sex.
Educating Yourself About Sexuality, Gender, Anatomy, and Sexual Experiences Other Than Your Own
A vital part of sex positivity is understanding sex outside of the boundaries of your own experiences. Yes, we all need information about our bodies, our minds, and our health to benefit the sex we’re having, but it’s also important to educate yourself about others. Furthermore, it is not the responsibility of marginalised people to give you this education — it’s up to you!
Not sure where to start? Try picking up a book about Transgenderism (‘Transgender 101’ by Nicholas M Tech is a great introduction). Learn about the history of sex workers from first hand accounts (‘Spread’ is an amazing anthology of a sex worker created magazine, written and defined by the workers themselves). Expand your understanding of relationships and monogamy with learning about polyamory and open relationships (‘The Ethical Slut’ by Dossie Easton and Janet Harby is a timeless book about the subject). Understand the mechanics, mindset, and practices of BDSM and kink (Try ‘The Ultimate Guide to Kink’ by Tristan Taormino for some knowledge).
Supporting an Alternative Narrative
Once you have made yourself aware of others experiences of sex, support them, especially marginalized people who lack resources. Donate to Planned Parenthood to support unbiased access to sexual health. Fight against legislation that discriminates based on sexuality and gender, and restricts access to sexual health resources. Expose yourself to porn and erotica made, produced, and starring all kinds of bodies. Call out prejudices in the conversations you have, the activities you participate in, and the institutions your support.
Understanding the Risks Associated With Sex
Though it’s not always easy to come to terms with, there are many risks and dangers involved in sexual activity. Should this stop us from having the sex we want to have? Hell no! But a vital part of sex positivity is understanding the importance of safe sex for yourself and your partners. Safe sex can include getting tested regularly, discussing sexual histories with partners, using STI barriers, and discussing birth control options.
Acknowledging That Sexual Abuse and Violence is a Part of Many People's Experiences
Being sex positive also includes being aware and receptive to the negative areas of sex, mainly sexual abuse and violence. RAINN predicts that someone is sexually assaulted every 98 seconds in the United States, with 1 out of 6 women experiencing rape or attempted rape in their lifetime. With this astounding figures, it’s crucial that we acknowledge the trauma around sex that a lot of people have. We must give voice to these survivors and their experiences and rather than defining them by the horrible things they’ve endured, use this knowledge to support them and fight to end sexual based harassment and abuse.
Noticing Your Toxic Behavior and Unlearning Harmful Habits
It’s important to be aware of how you may be contributing to preventing sex positivity from advancing. Sometimes it can be hard to notice when your actions are being harmful, and that’s why it’s so important to be open to critique and be reflective of your responses. Many of us learn harmful habits and form opinions about sex during our youth, whether it be from the media, our family, our friends, religion, or biased sexual education. Maybe you carry some judgement around homosexuality, have a refusal to listen about sexual assault, an irritation with talking about sex with your partner, or laugh at jokes that are insensitive to sexual assault survivors. These behaviors can be hard to unlearn but are integral to being sex positive.
Acknowledging the Bad Sex You’ve Had and Learn From It
Most of us have had a less than perfect sexual encounter, from forgettable to downright awful. This is ok! Just because you’re positive about sex doesn’t mean all the sex you’re going to have is going to be positive. Getting closer to the kind of sex you want to have sometimes includes having some bad sex, acknowledging it was bad, and learning from it. Our bad experiences, miscommunications, and bedroom fails are great ways to learn so don’t try to throw them out of your mind like they didn’t happen. A little reflection can help prevent such experiences from happening again.
Developing Boundaries and Encouraging Partners to Do the Same
Boundaries are important in creating a healthy sex life. Sometimes you create boundaries from experiencing something and vowing never to do it again. Other boundaries are created via a gut feeling. However you come up with your dos and don’ts in the bedroom is completely valid. It’s more important that you learn to communicate them to your partners and in favour, listen to and respect their boundaries.
Creating a Relationship With Your Shame
Many people carry shame around some area of their sexuality. Instead of pushing it to the back of your mind or refusing to acknowledge it, do the radical act of inviting your shame to be present. With the eventual goal being to have a shameless experience with sex, make small steps in the right direction. By creating a relationship with shame, we can better understand why we feel such ways and how we can overcome these feelings in a healthy way. Discussing the shame you feel with a partner or a friend or journaling about some of your hang-ups are great first steps.
Seeking Support if You Need it
To be an active part of the sex positive movement, it’s important to notice the need for support in your own sex life. Attending support groups, going to couples or individual therapy, seeking information online, visiting a doctor about your sexual health, and discussing sexual issues with friends and partners are all ways you can support your own sexual wellbeing.
Creating Conversations But Not to Your Own Detriment
Finally, though open conversation is important in being sex positive, make sure to respect your own boundaries on what you feel comfortable discussing. Just because others feel empowered by the #MeToo movement to share their stories of sexual harassment, don’t feel pressured to contribute if you don’t feel ready to. If a certain topic is too triggering to your own trauma to address, that is ok. Not including yourself in some conversations for your own mental wellbeing is respectable.
It’s simple. Better communication means better sex. Being able to express what works and what doesn’t work for you to your partner is vital in the bedroom for consent and for pleasure. But what if being verbal between the sheets is a new thing for you? Check out these tips to get your words flowing and your voice heard.
Incorporate Sound Into Your Masturbation Sessions
If you find yourself making no noise during sex, jumping in to forming words during your next romp can seem overwhelming. Ease yourself into the idea of being vocal by exploring during masturbation. Try to exaggerate sounds that come naturally, really focusing on being in the moment rather than what you sound like. It can simply start was exaggerating your breathing or vocalizing your exhales. Just don’t force it.
Find The Words That Make You Uncomfortable And Use Them
There are some words that roll of the tongue easier than others. For some they can be anatomy related terms like ‘vagina’, ‘anus’, or ‘nipples’. Others may struggle with verbs like ‘suck’, ‘lick’, or ‘penetrate’. Find those words, practice them, and explore how you can adjust them to make them feel more comfortable. Maybe you prefer ‘pussy’ over ‘vulva’ or ‘cock’ or ‘penis’. Whatever works for you!
Talk About Sex Outside The Bedroom
Talk about sex! It’s important to normalize sex in your regular conversation to be able to elaborate on the conversation you have in the bedroom. Talk about sex with you partner, with your friends, with your therapist, with anyone it’s appropriate to speak with about it.
Play Music During Sex
Playing your favorite sexy tunes during sex can help the communication flow more freely. It can be intimidating breaking a silence to say something, so having a little background music can be helpful. Make yourself a playlist of feel good tunes that aren’t distracting to be the background music for your next sexy encounter.
Start With The Basics
Don’t expect yourself to string together eloquent sentences during sex. Start with the basics ‘yes’ and ‘no’ when you’re learning how to communicate to your partner. These simple words are the foundations for more. ‘Yes’ can turn into ‘Yes, that feels good’, while ‘No’ can expand to ‘No, but let’s try this’.
Don’t Imitate - Communicate
Porn can be a helpful aid in a society that lacks in adequate sexual education, however the goal shouldn’t be to imitate what you see. Porn performers are doing exactly that - performing. Make the sex you have less of a performance, voicing the sounds and words that come naturally, in the moment.
There are tons of books, blogs, and articles on how to talk dirty, but it doesn’t have to be such a complicated subject. Dirty talk can be anything you want it to be. Try describing a sexy fantasy you’ve had or porn you recently enjoyed. Take the reigns and tell your partner what you want them to do you (or what you’d love to do to them). And yes, dirty talk can be hot, but if it’s not your thing, that’s ok to!
Verbal communication is not only way to express how you feel to your partner. Body language is great way to express what you’re feeling to a partner. A subtle move of your body or guiding your partner’s hand can work better than words in some instances.
Try Out New Things
Trying out new techniques, toys, and activities require a conversation to happen before, during, and after. If you find you and your partner are on autopilot, trying out a new exploration can get you talking again. Begin by sitting down with your partner to watch a new porn or select a new toy to play with.
Mary Rosenberger is the real deal. This artist and model uses Instagram to share the ups and downs of her life in refreshingly honest way. Whether it's her talking about making it in NYC, sharing a glimpse into her creative process, or dancing when she's feeling down, we can't get enough of her energy! We chatted to Mary about her artwork, how her sexuality is evolving, and what's the future holds for her.
How do you explore sexuality through your work?
I think that I explore my sexuality through my work by how uninhibited I am with my art. I don't have boundaries or expectations of what SHOULD be, as long as it makes me feel good I keep doing it. I think that painting and making art in general helps me cultivate my sexuality and my spirituality all at once because it helps me feel more confident and connected to my body. It may sound funny to some but the fact I create beauty makes me feel fueled sexually because it gives me this confidence that is unparalleled with just feeling physically attractive. It gives me power
How has your social media platform changed the way you see yourself sexually?
Social media has changed myself in the way that I see myself sexually by the fact that I feel even more empowered by my openness with sexuality. I love the community of body and sex positive individuals and the support we all exchange through the internet. Although there's occasional negative misogynistic commentary on my pictures where I talk about my body or sex openly the plethora of energy I find on the internet is uplifting and supporting. I feel grateful for the acceptance I feel in the world of social media.
You talk a lot on your Instagram about the importance of dance and movement. How do they affect the relationship you have with yourself?
I believe that dance and movement is an excellent way to heal yourself. Watching yourself dance in the mirror is so much more than just a vain exercise to eliminate boredom, it shows you the way your body moves. With sexuality one of the most important parts of it in my opinion is feeling confident. You can't truly enjoy sexual experiences if you feel embarrassed or uncomfortable by your own self. Dance makes me a happier individual, a better model, and an even more confident person and lover. When I dance I feel beautiful. When I dance I accept myself.
If you had to give your younger self sexual advice for the future, what would it be?
If I were to give my younger self sexual advice it would be to let go of any fear you have in terms of the vulnerability in sex. Your body is beautiful and sex is beautiful. Instead of feeling overly worried about knowing how to please someone else just enjoy the whole experience. Let it come naturally, sex is apart of life and shouldn't be feared when it's with someone you trust. One of the biggest fears I had when I was younger was the analyzation of my body by my partner. I remember once my ex had told me "I didn't like your boobs at first but then I got used to them." It made me feel very uncomfortable about having sex. I felt unattractive and undesirable. This affected my sex life in a way where I was always oriented around making my partner feel good, not myself. If I could go back to my past self and tell myself how special I am and that I too deserve pleasure I would.
What are you goals for the future?
My goals for the future are many. I plan on growing as an artist through expanding my craft onto different mediums. I want to sow a life where I create every single day and have a space where I am free to make art without worrying about tiptoeing around someone else's space( to sum it up I plan on working hard to find my own art studio). I also plan to start taking jewelry making classes, accessory design is fascinating to me and I would love to combine beading with the polymer clay pieces I make already. I grew up with an extremely creative mother who dabbles in all things artistic. Art was always our focus and our happiness. I am so indebted to her and the blessings she's bestowed onto me with showing me the freedom and bliss of making something out of nothing.
Our surroundings have a huge impact on our mood, especially our libido. After a busy day, your bedroom should be your place of peace, tranquility, and hopefully, sexiness. However, have you ever put thought into upping the sexy vibes of your bedroom? Whether you’re looking for ways to enhance your sexual desire, connect with a partner, or just want an amazing space to jerk off in, check out these tips on how to make your space sexier.
Temperature plays a vital role in making a space sexy. Being too cold will not make you not what to take your clothes off in the first place, while being too hot can affect the blood flow to your genitals. You may need to experiment with what temperature works for you, yet most people find it comfortable around 70 degrees C.
Touch is one of the main senses being explored during sexual play and all the surfaces you come into contact with can impact your mood. The first and most important is your bedding. Invest in some soft, comfortable sheets and keep them clean! Crawling into dirty, smelly sheets can be a giant turn off, not matter how luxurious they once were. If you like showering before or after (or maybe during) sex and masturbation, treat yourself to some fancy towels. If you like to use pillows during play to help hit those sweet spots, try a soft angled pillow, like the Liberator Heart Wedge Pillow. Make sure anything your interacting with during sex that could get lube or body fluids on it can be easily cleaned.
Taking care to properly light a room can do a lot for a sexy session. Candlelight and soft ambient light is not only flattering, it sets the mood that something sensual is about to happen. Turn off large over head lights and add a soft light to your nightstand. String lighting, lanterns, and colored bulbs are also great sensual lighting options.
Smells are very strongly attached to memory, so keep this in mind when picking a scent for your sexy boudoir. There are essential oils and scents that are traditionally thought of as aphrodisiacs, like rose, sandalwood, and jasmine, but be sure that these smells work for you. Try them out before you take them into the bedroom by either trying them out in a store, putting a little on your skin or clothing, or by using them in another space beforehand. The scent you choose should be soothing and not overwhelming or distracting.
There are many ways to incorporate smells into a space. Candles can be a great option because they add the sexual element of fire. That said, they aren’t the safest option. Incense, electric oil burners, and oil diffusers are a good alternative. You could even try mixing a few drops of oil into your favourite lotion and massaging it into yourself or your partner(s).
The Power of Color
We have 2 natural responses to color - one biological and a psychological. The color red can cause your blood pressure to increase, your body to heat up, and energy to be generated. Psychologically, we are taught to associate red tones with love, passion, and sex. Yet too much red can be overwhelming, even irritating and angering. Accents of red, like a red pillow, red flowers, or a piece of art above your bed with red tones are a better idea than painting all your walls crimson.
Alive and Well
If you love to have plants and flowers in your space, make sure you’re taking care of them appropriately. Dead plants and sad looking florals can kill the mood of a space. It’s you’re seeking some green but don’t have the time to treat them right, faux pants and florals can create the illusion without the maintenance.
A lock on your door can do wonders for your sense of ease. Knowing nobody can walk in and interrupt your intimate endeavours lowers stress levels and can allow you to focus on your pleasure.
If a lock is not an option in your living space, create a signal or sign that tells others not to enter. A window treatment, like a shade or thick curtain, can also help you feel at ease to be naked in your space without anyone peering in (unless you’re into that!).
Put Your Phone Down
Phones can bring a lot of stress as they connect us to the always busy outside world, calendars of things to do, and lists of people who need our attention. While it can be hard to totally disconnect, putting your phone away prevents it from being a distraction and pulling you out of the moment during sex. As for other electronics like TVs and radios, ensure they are enhancing your experience, not detracting from it. If the TV is on, have it playing a sexy movie or porno. If you enjoy music in your space, create a pleasure playlist of all your favorite jams that get you in the mood.
Keep Your Sexual Tools and Toys Ready
It’s not sexy having to fumble around for your toys, only to find them dirty or with a dead battery. Try to make a habit of cleaning your toys and storing them correctly after every use. Maybe it works for you to keep a toy cleaner in your night stand or maybe you have a night every week where you boil your silicone dildos. Whatever works for your routine. Pay attention to a toy's battery life indicators and charge them often. If your toy uses disposable batteries, have a few extra replacements on hand.
Don’t forget lube! Have your favourite lube ready to go or invest in different types of lube for different occasions. If want to use your silicone vibrator, have a water based lube like Good Clean Love’s Almost Naked. Maybe you’re feeling an anal session, so opt for Sliquid Sassy. Or maybe you have a sensitive partner and you need your Uberlube silicone lube Whatever your pleasure, invest in the appropriate lube(s) and keep them in an easily accessible place.
These are all tips on how to change the elements of your room, but the most important part of making a bedroom truly sexy if how you feel in your room. This is your space to explore, to feel safe, and to feel supported. Follow your intuition on what feels good to you and is able to create all of these positive feelings within your body.