Whether you are looking for love, a cheek shag, or even some cracking Tinder conversation that doesn't fizzle out, like a Berocca curing a hangover. Make this your first stop 'cause we will tell ya straight.
Did you put the heat on? Cause it’s getting hot in here (so take off all your clothes), no seriously it’s getting hot and heavy, and he want’s you in the nude, but you’re thinking fuck I’ve changed my mind. Or maybe you’re already naked. Who knows.
I’ve got three rules that you shouldn’t do when it’s sexy time with him for the first time.
1. Do not be semi-nude and rude – I swear to god if you’re going to wear hardly anything, let him buy you drinks all night, go to his house to have sexy time and then suddenly you’re the Virgin Mary. Pray that his balls don’t go blue because that shit hurts. #NoBonerZoner
2. Do not take him home for a tea party – Let’s be real, you’re pretty smart so if you’ve sucked his face all night and invited him over for coffee, it’s not the time for a stitch and bitch. If it’s a one night stand, leave the coffee for brekky.
3. Do not expect a boyfriend – You’ve had the most amazing night, and you can’t stop thinking about how selfless and caring he is, and before you know it you’ve planned the wedding… To marry yourself. Trust me, honey, you need to stop breaking your own heart.
And if you can’t decide if you’re a rampant rabbit or gods child head to this bloggers post, It’s got the low down on when to go home with him, or without him. https://thoughtcatalog.com/anonymous/2013/08/the-straight-girls-guide-to-one-night-stands/
So, it’s finally that time where it’s about to get frisky, and guys, you can’t wait because your balls have been turning blue since you first met. If it’s been 5 minutes, that’s cool but maybe choke the chicken prior to your next date to avoid going out with a loaded gun. So, let’s say it’s your third date… Ouch!
I’ve got three rules that you shouldn’t do when it’s that time of the night or day.
1. Do not ask if you should use a condom- ‘Always’ assume you’re going to be using a condom. Your blue balls will only get worse when you’ve spent the past 45 doing cheeky foreplay for you to get turned down on the real deal because you don’t have any rubber. Chicks have voices, so if they don’t wanna use one… they’ll say. Oh and for all the strong independent women out there, you can always BYO.
2. Do not get pissed off if it doesn’t work out- You really want a blowy or sex or something extra cheeky, and it’s not her thing. Don’t show your frustration. Firstly, it’s downright rude that you think you’re entitled to either and secondly, it’s only going to make things worse. Man up and not let it ruin the night. I guarantee the nicer you are about it the more turned on she’ll be, and who knows she might change her mind.
3. Do not lead her on- IF you just want sex and that’s that, fucking say it. Having sex makes chicks vulnerable. And if you know you only want a fuck buddy don’t assume that that’s what the other person wants. Let's reduce breaking hearts by communicating. Simple hey?
Our top 3 ways to get into her pants…
And look, we aren’t the hit em’ & quit em’ type so don’t shoot the messenger.
1. Be confident – Mate, just go for it, don’t ask, just do. You might get punched in the face, but done right you’ll have em’ wanting more.
2. Smell good – For the love of god, don’t expect any action with a cheesy dick & no deo on since breakfast. Ew.
3. Don’t faff – Pretty much see step 1 and repeat, okay maybe not with so much demand but certainly don’t get her home and do nothing. Get to the point, it’s a one night stand for a reason, not a circle jerk.
Oh, and ladies you’re up next with ‘sexy time, for the first time with him’ so don’t think you're getting off lightly. It does take two to tango after all.
So, you’ve just got home after the best date of your life and you’re dying to message the guy to organise the next, but you don’t want to seem too keen so you toss and turn all night, check your phone all day, and then convince yourself he’s not even interested because you haven't heard from him yet. Here are three rules of what not to do when you want to text the guy…
1. Do not wait for the guy to text first- Ladies, confidence is sexy and trust me there is nothing that won’t attract a hard on quicker…well, maybe Sasha Grey (and if you don’t know who she is don’t even bother looking. She’ll only make you cry. In the way you won’t expect) But in all seriousness if you really had fun on the date, let him know. I’m not saying you have to plan your wedding, but at least start the conversation. If you’re feeling really ballsy ask when he’s free, trust me he’ll think it’s great that you’ve taken initiative and it’ll make him feel super special.
2. Do not play hard to get- So this guy messaged you at 9 am, but you’re waiting until after lunch to message back because you’re ‘busy’. For the love of god, please don’t be fake busy. If you want to message him- message him! Let him decide if you’re needy, and if he thinks you’re needy then he isn’t for you. You shouldn’t have to change your texting habits for anyone.
3. Do not over think it- Just because he hasn't text you yet DOESN'T mean he's not into you, men are really simple and he's probably juggling between TV, porn, food, work, mates, PlayStation and repeat. So, just text him AND if you're worried that he's not into you, you aren't going to find out by staring at your phone and not doing anything.
Here are our go-to 'after the first date' text messages for you to send first: Oh, and before you lose your mind… Please use your common sense. Don’t go copying and pasting this shit, make it a little personal.
1. For the shy: 'Hey, thanks for a good date!'
2. For the ballsy: 'Hey you, ordering pizza for dinner. What are your go-to toppings?' OR 'Hey you, ordering pizza. What toppings do you want?'
3. For the why not: 'Don’t go deleting this number. It’s for the hot girl you met today'
So, you are experiencing the power of online dating. What a life we lead… where you wake up, check your Facebook feed and swipe left or right (mostly left) to find a boyfriend, or sex, or who even knows what people are finding. Anyway as you know by now…
I’ve got three rules that you shouldn’t do when using tinder.
1. Do not waste your profile picture- it’s not the time to show off your hot topless body (ew), best friends, fave sunglasses or even your pet. We know it’s cute and it’ll always be your number one but come on. Show you and just you. Save us the effort of having to do the whole profile background check. Oh and ladies a little somethin’ somethin’ for you to remember…. He gets a left if he’s showing his chest and always right if he’s got some height.
2. Do not talk for more than 3 days without locking in a date- Look, the quicker you meet the better. You aren’t going to know them any more the longer you talk to them behind a screen… the only thing you’re gonna do is imagine she walks and talks like Margot Robbie and then you’ll be let down when you end up seeing Bridget Jones- so cut the online chat to a minimum.
3. Do not swipe someone without a bio- Okay this is super nit picky and at the end of the day you’re going to swipe whoever you want BUT from experience (lots of experience) the ones who are truly interested in making the effort (I mean heading out, not just head) will tell you a bit about themselves. Quick tip: Keep it short and simple… oh, and funny.
Here's our top 3 go to opening lines when you've got a match... And please if you take nothing from this, try something other than 'how are you'.
1. "Bowling & Beers or Cheese & Wine" - We love this one, it's different and opens the conversation quickly. Also, whatever they pick you can use as your first date - cute. Oh and please don't come at me with I hate cheese so I cant use this. Firstly, you can write what the heck you want and secondly who doesn't like cheese- see ya!
2. For the guys: "If you could pick any flower what would it be?" - If you pick a chick who ain't the flower type. then at least you've opened the conversation, but... if a chick that tells ya what she likes take note and bring them to your first date. So romantic.
3. For the ladies: Write anything. ANYTHING I say. Stop waiting for the guy to message first, in case you haven't looked out your window lately it's not the 1920s and we don't horse and cart to work. Take one for the team.