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Sexy time, for the first time with him

Did you put the heat on? Cause it’s getting hot in here (so take off all your clothes), no seriously it’s getting hot and heavy, and he want’s you in the nude, but you’re thinking fuck I’ve changed my mind. Or maybe you’re already naked. Who knows.

I’ve got three rules that you shouldn’t do when it’s sexy time with him for the first time.

1.    Do not be semi-nude and rude – I swear to god if you’re going to wear hardly anything, let him buy you drinks all night, go to his house to have sexy time and then suddenly you’re the Virgin Mary. Pray that his balls don’t go blue because that shit hurts.  #NoBonerZoner

2.    Do not take him home for a tea party – Let’s be real, you’re pretty smart so if you’ve sucked his face all night and invited him over for coffee, it’s not the time for a stitch and bitch. If it’s a one night stand, leave the coffee for brekky.

3.    Do not expect a boyfriend – You’ve had the most amazing night, and you can’t stop thinking about how selfless and caring he is, and before you know it you’ve planned the wedding… To marry yourself. Trust me, honey, you need to stop breaking your own heart.

And if you can’t decide if you’re a rampant rabbit or gods child head to this bloggers post, It’s got the low down on when to go home with him, or without him. https://thoughtcatalog.com/anonymous/2013/08/the-straight-girls-guide-to-one-night-stands/

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Welcome, you kinky one night stand’ers...  

So, it’s finally that time where it’s about to get frisky, and guys, you can’t wait because your balls have been turning blue since you first met.  If it’s been 5 minutes, that’s cool but maybe choke the chicken prior to your next date to avoid going out with a loaded gun. So, let’s say it’s your third date… Ouch!

I’ve got three rules that you shouldn’t do when it’s that time of the night or day.

1.    Do not ask if you should use a condom- ‘Always’ assume you’re going to be using a condom. Your blue balls will only get worse when you’ve spent the past 45 doing cheeky foreplay for you to get turned down on the real deal because you don’t have any rubber. Chicks have voices, so if they don’t wanna use one… they’ll say. Oh and for all the strong independent women out there, you can always BYO.

2.    Do not get pissed off if it doesn’t work out- You really want a blowy or sex or something extra cheeky, and it’s not her thing. Don’t show your frustration. Firstly, it’s downright rude that you think you’re entitled to either and secondly, it’s only going to make things worse. Man up and not let it ruin the night. I guarantee the nicer you are about it the more turned on she’ll be, and who knows she might change her mind.

3.    Do not lead her on- IF you just want sex and that’s that, fucking say it. Having sex makes chicks vulnerable. And if you know you only want a fuck buddy don’t assume that that’s what the other person wants. Let's reduce breaking hearts by communicating.  Simple hey?

Our top 3 ways to get into her pants…

And look, we aren’t the hit em’ & quit em’ type so don’t shoot the messenger.

1.     Be confident – Mate, just go for it, don’t ask, just do. You might get punched in the face, but done right you’ll have em’ wanting more.

2.     Smell good – For the love of god, don’t expect any action with a cheesy dick & no deo on since breakfast. Ew.

3.     Don’t faff – Pretty much see step 1 and repeat, okay maybe not with so much demand but certainly don’t get her home and do nothing. Get to the point, it’s a one night stand for a reason, not a circle jerk.

Oh, and ladies you’re up next with ‘sexy time, for the first time with him’ so don’t think you're getting off lightly. It does take two to tango after all. 

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