Whether you are looking for love, a cheek shag, or even some cracking Tinder conversation that doesn't fizzle out, like a Berocca curing a hangover. Make this your first stop 'cause we will tell ya straight.
Did you put the heat on? Cause it’s getting hot in here (so take off all your clothes), no seriously it’s getting hot and heavy, and he want’s you in the nude, but you’re thinking fuck I’ve changed my mind. Or maybe you’re already naked. Who knows.
I’ve got three rules that you shouldn’t do when it’s sexy time with him for the first time.
1. Do not be semi-nude and rude – I swear to god if you’re going to wear hardly anything, let him buy you drinks all night, go to his house to have sexy time and then suddenly you’re the Virgin Mary. Pray that his balls don’t go blue because that shit hurts. #NoBonerZoner
2. Do not take him home for a tea party – Let’s be real, you’re pretty smart so if you’ve sucked his face all night and invited him over for coffee, it’s not the time for a stitch and bitch. If it’s a one night stand, leave the coffee for brekky.
3. Do not expect a boyfriend – You’ve had the most amazing night, and you can’t stop thinking about how selfless and caring he is, and before you know it you’ve planned the wedding… To marry yourself. Trust me, honey, you need to stop breaking your own heart.
And if you can’t decide if you’re a rampant rabbit or gods child head to this bloggers post, It’s got the low down on when to go home with him, or without him. https://thoughtcatalog.com/anonymous/2013/08/the-straight-girls-guide-to-one-night-stands/
So, it’s finally that time where it’s about to get frisky, and guys, you can’t wait because your balls have been turning blue since you first met. If it’s been 5 minutes, that’s cool but maybe choke the chicken prior to your next date to avoid going out with a loaded gun. So, let’s say it’s your third date… Ouch!
I’ve got three rules that you shouldn’t do when it’s that time of the night or day.
1. Do not ask if you should use a condom- ‘Always’ assume you’re going to be using a condom. Your blue balls will only get worse when you’ve spent the past 45 doing cheeky foreplay for you to get turned down on the real deal because you don’t have any rubber. Chicks have voices, so if they don’t wanna use one… they’ll say. Oh and for all the strong independent women out there, you can always BYO.
2. Do not get pissed off if it doesn’t work out- You really want a blowy or sex or something extra cheeky, and it’s not her thing. Don’t show your frustration. Firstly, it’s downright rude that you think you’re entitled to either and secondly, it’s only going to make things worse. Man up and not let it ruin the night. I guarantee the nicer you are about it the more turned on she’ll be, and who knows she might change her mind.
3. Do not lead her on- IF you just want sex and that’s that, fucking say it. Having sex makes chicks vulnerable. And if you know you only want a fuck buddy don’t assume that that’s what the other person wants. Let's reduce breaking hearts by communicating. Simple hey?
Our top 3 ways to get into her pants…
And look, we aren’t the hit em’ & quit em’ type so don’t shoot the messenger.
1. Be confident – Mate, just go for it, don’t ask, just do. You might get punched in the face, but done right you’ll have em’ wanting more.
2. Smell good – For the love of god, don’t expect any action with a cheesy dick & no deo on since breakfast. Ew.
3. Don’t faff – Pretty much see step 1 and repeat, okay maybe not with so much demand but certainly don’t get her home and do nothing. Get to the point, it’s a one night stand for a reason, not a circle jerk.
Oh, and ladies you’re up next with ‘sexy time, for the first time with him’ so don’t think you're getting off lightly. It does take two to tango after all.
So, you’re back on the dating scene after god knows how long and you don't know where to start. Let's face it you just spent the last 5 years with someone and now you’re trying to ‘find yourself’.
I’ve got three rules for when you’re back in the sea...
1. Do not talk about your ex- We can’t believe we have to spell this out but nobody wants to know your baggage. This includes their name; for chicks, it just becomes the bullseye on a dartboard. Oh, and fellas don't tell your date that your ex-was a ‘nagging hoe'. There's a girl code that goes along the lines of ‘chicks before dicks’ so don't diss a sister.
2. Do not assume sex will be the same- You’ve had a great routine for the past 5 years, foreplay, sex, more foreplay or maybe you’ve had nothing at all… who knows! But when its time to get down and dirty, don’t assume they know how you ‘like it’ or you know how they like it. Treat this sex session as a blank canvas and get to know one another, and then ask yourself how you'd describe it in movie titles. #TooFastTooFurious
3. Do not date- Look maybe skip rule 1 and 2, you probably don’t give a shit what people think as you’ve got your boner blinkers on. If you really have just come out of a serious relationship you are probably looking to fuck around, and if you're not, at least treat yourself to one 'no strings attached' roll in the hay.
Ps. friendly reminder your ex is an ex for a reason. So, before you sleep at night remember you're not Adele. You do not need to wish the best for them, nor do you want to find someone like them.
So, you’ve been invited out to dinner and you’re so excited because you’ve been craving that juicy burger since lunch… oh wait, it’s a date so you can’t possibly eat a burger?
Here are our three dinner dating don’ts; Oh and if you’re a picky fucker…Here’s talking to the gluten free, dairy free, can’t eat anything yellow (who knows these days) sort, then don’t go hatin’ on us because we haven’t catered for you. Stay home.
1. Do not order a salad- Yes, we all know you want to look hot AF on your date and let's be real that spaghetti isn’t going to do you any favours, but guys like girls, and girls like guys that are real. So please don’t order a salad because you think that’s what he wants you to eat, eat what you want, spaghetti included. Oh, and before you start talking to your screen… Something along the lines of “Oi bitch, I like salad, and I want a salad. You know nothing Jon Snow” then you’re the exception because we love Game of Thrones. So eat that Salad Ygritte! #YouDontMakeFriendsWithSalad
2. Do not turn down sharing - Holy moly if you don’t wanna have all the meals at the restaurant then you need to check yourself out. It's super intimate to share food, you get a choice and c’mon didn’t your mum teach you to share.
3. Do not chew with your mouth open- I don’t know why we have to say it, honestly palm-to-face, but we’ve been on a few dates where the guy (we hate to discriminate but it’s not a ladylike thing to do) has chewed with his mouth open or talked with his mouth full. Fellas, come on that’s immediate dismissal.
Our top dinner date themes...
1. For the sharers: Pull out the picnic blanket in the park, and spoil your date with wine, fish & chips and a cheeky cuddle. It's cheap and you'll be branded as a romantic.
2. For the #YOLO: Splash out and head to a place with a view. Nothing like a picturesque skyline to kick off the date. Make sure you book and check the menu out, you don't wanna put the effort if for nothing but wedges and no space.
3. For the fun free: If your date is a picky fucker, definition above, head to a DIY place. There's plenty around if you do your research, they are fun and your date gets exactly what they want. Perfect.
So, you’ve just got home after the best date of your life and you’re dying to message the guy to organise the next, but you don’t want to seem too keen so you toss and turn all night, check your phone all day, and then convince yourself he’s not even interested because you haven't heard from him yet. Here are three rules of what not to do when you want to text the guy…
1. Do not wait for the guy to text first- Ladies, confidence is sexy and trust me there is nothing that won’t attract a hard on quicker…well, maybe Sasha Grey (and if you don’t know who she is don’t even bother looking. She’ll only make you cry. In the way you won’t expect) But in all seriousness if you really had fun on the date, let him know. I’m not saying you have to plan your wedding, but at least start the conversation. If you’re feeling really ballsy ask when he’s free, trust me he’ll think it’s great that you’ve taken initiative and it’ll make him feel super special.
2. Do not play hard to get- So this guy messaged you at 9 am, but you’re waiting until after lunch to message back because you’re ‘busy’. For the love of god, please don’t be fake busy. If you want to message him- message him! Let him decide if you’re needy, and if he thinks you’re needy then he isn’t for you. You shouldn’t have to change your texting habits for anyone.
3. Do not over think it- Just because he hasn't text you yet DOESN'T mean he's not into you, men are really simple and he's probably juggling between TV, porn, food, work, mates, PlayStation and repeat. So, just text him AND if you're worried that he's not into you, you aren't going to find out by staring at your phone and not doing anything.
Here are our go-to 'after the first date' text messages for you to send first: Oh, and before you lose your mind… Please use your common sense. Don’t go copying and pasting this shit, make it a little personal.
1. For the shy: 'Hey, thanks for a good date!'
2. For the ballsy: 'Hey you, ordering pizza for dinner. What are your go-to toppings?' OR 'Hey you, ordering pizza. What toppings do you want?'
3. For the why not: 'Don’t go deleting this number. It’s for the hot girl you met today'
So, you’ve been invited over to their place for the first time to watch ‘a movie’, or for ‘coffee’, whatever you kids call it these days. Anyway, I’ve got three rules for this Netflix and chill business…
1. Do not do the old ‘yawn, stretch and wrap your arm’ around her shoulder- Man, what century are we in. Surely you’re ballsy enough to get straight into a cuddle. And, if you are not, go for a cheeky hand on the leg. It’s actually much nicer and saves the chick getting neck ache. Yes the arm wrap does equal neck ache… if you didn’t know check all the 40 year olds that grew up with this move, they have permanent damage. Sorry mum.
2. Do not pick a scary movie- Lame! This rule is as bad as the first. If this doesn’t scream (ha, excuse the pun) hold me under the cover… I don’t know what will. Pick a good movie. Thanks to a recent date night, I recommend Pulp Fiction and as Mia says “That’s when you know you’ve found somebody special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence”.
3. Do not panic if the silence is awkward- Rule 3 runs of the back of my glorious quote. If this is the first date or even third, it’s bound to have a hint of awkward- even the chatterboxes of the world don’t always have something to say. However, if you’re knee deep into this relationship and it’s awkward then you should probably ask yourself if you’ve been friend zoned?
Here are our top 3 ‘Netflix and chill’ movies, and until Netflix have their own category start here…
1. Forrest Gump – Life is like a box of chocolates. Oh, reminder don’t forget the chocolates. Yum.
2. American Beauty – Kevin Spacey, yes please.
3. They Came Together - You two could come together. What a pretty sight.
So, you are experiencing the power of online dating. What a life we lead… where you wake up, check your Facebook feed and swipe left or right (mostly left) to find a boyfriend, or sex, or who even knows what people are finding. Anyway as you know by now…
I’ve got three rules that you shouldn’t do when using tinder.
1. Do not waste your profile picture- it’s not the time to show off your hot topless body (ew), best friends, fave sunglasses or even your pet. We know it’s cute and it’ll always be your number one but come on. Show you and just you. Save us the effort of having to do the whole profile background check. Oh and ladies a little somethin’ somethin’ for you to remember…. He gets a left if he’s showing his chest and always right if he’s got some height.
2. Do not talk for more than 3 days without locking in a date- Look, the quicker you meet the better. You aren’t going to know them any more the longer you talk to them behind a screen… the only thing you’re gonna do is imagine she walks and talks like Margot Robbie and then you’ll be let down when you end up seeing Bridget Jones- so cut the online chat to a minimum.
3. Do not swipe someone without a bio- Okay this is super nit picky and at the end of the day you’re going to swipe whoever you want BUT from experience (lots of experience) the ones who are truly interested in making the effort (I mean heading out, not just head) will tell you a bit about themselves. Quick tip: Keep it short and simple… oh, and funny.
Here's our top 3 go to opening lines when you've got a match... And please if you take nothing from this, try something other than 'how are you'.
1. "Bowling & Beers or Cheese & Wine" - We love this one, it's different and opens the conversation quickly. Also, whatever they pick you can use as your first date - cute. Oh and please don't come at me with I hate cheese so I cant use this. Firstly, you can write what the heck you want and secondly who doesn't like cheese- see ya!
2. For the guys: "If you could pick any flower what would it be?" - If you pick a chick who ain't the flower type. then at least you've opened the conversation, but... if a chick that tells ya what she likes take note and bring them to your first date. So romantic.
3. For the ladies: Write anything. ANYTHING I say. Stop waiting for the guy to message first, in case you haven't looked out your window lately it's not the 1920s and we don't horse and cart to work. Take one for the team.
So, it’s your first date (or 100th first date), let’s be honest, shy guys get the dates- this is a fact. You have something about you that’s endearing, a sense of mystery, but it ends here, because you’ve started to blush when I ask how you are. Oops, too harsh? You’ll soon realise that I’m a no bullshit ‘advice giver’ so grab a pen and let’s get to business.
I’ve got three rules that you shy guys, shouldn’t do on your first date...(and don’t say you don’t do them already)
1. Do not 'wing' it- No chick wants to stand outside Chapel St umming and arrring of what each of you ‘feels’ like doing. This is being indecisive not spontaneous- get to know the difference. If you’ve suggested the date, then the ball is in your court to make a date. That includes location.
2. Do not do dinner if you don’t drink alcohol- Chicks like a nerve settler, but we aren’t desperate enough to drink alone. So, if you don’t drink, plan a day date (Walk or ice-cream. You get the gist) where alcohol isn’t involved- this will stop the awkward ‘who is this guy, who only drinks water’ thoughts. Until you do dinner anyway. (But by then we probably won’t even give a shit) DISCLAIMER: Don't go gang busters on me if you don't like advice number 2. I get it, drinking is bad for your health la la la... You moaning at me is exactly why you shouldn't do a dinner date. NEXT.
3. Do not overthink it- You’re unsure if you should hug, or kiss, or hug and kiss, or who knows but by now your cheeks are red and your palms are sweaty (There’s vomit on his sweater already- sorry couldn’t resist) If it feels forced… it’ll feel forced. Most* chicks won’t judge you if there’s no action on the first date but keep this in mind- the sooner you get it over with the better- it’ll only get scarier. Boo!
Here's our top 3 shy guy dates bound to succeed...
1. 5 minute coffee date - If you've matched, bumbled or happn'd into each others devices by close proximity, suggest meeting up for 5 minutes during your lunch break or straight after work. Why? No pressure, cheap AF ($10), there's a time limit so if you hate each other (see ya!) BUT if the banter is good, and you like what you see... it'll take the stress off for date number 2.
2. Walk & Talk - Admit it, you get awkward making eye contact. For this one though have a few questions ready. You don't want to plan a walk & talk, if you aren't going to do any talking. LAME. Ps. If it's going well suggest sitting down or dipping your toes in the water.
3. Mini golf/Bowling/Arcade - If you've not been paid yet opt with option 1 or 2. But this is awesome for an 'alcohol free' night, it takes the pressure off, it's fun and you'll be relaxed in no time!
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