Can your eyes send seduction signals to a man, telling him that you want him?
If you want to know how to seduce a man, read on and watch the video below because I’m about to give you some valuable tips you’ll want to use immediately on that guy you’ve got the hots for.
3 Simple Tips to INSTANTLY Attract Him | How to Seduce Any Man - YouTube
Here’s something you might not know: we men are putty in your hands. We’d do just about anything for you if you bat your eyelashes at us. Don’t believe me? This article has scientifically-proven ways to seduce a man that you can start using asap.
“It’s interesting that we associate seduction with sex, when in fact, true seduction is the opposite of sex. Sex is when desire is met. Seduction is not about the culmination or gratification of desire, it is about the thrill of the desire itself. It is the game that is played as the desire comes closer, and closer, and closer, and being able to maintain that tension of wanting for a long, long time.”
So…yea. Seduction is about making him want you, not necessarily letting him have you.
You can seduce a man you’ve never kissed…
And you can seduce a man you’ve been with for years.
Either way, these tips for how to seduce a man will come in handy.
Seduction Tip 1: Let Your Eyes Do the Work
Want to know how to seduce a man? Give him your sexy eyes.
Your eyes tell him everything about how you feel. They are, in fact, your biggest weapon when it comes to winning the seduction war.
What do you imagine happened? Afterward, the majority of participants felt extremely attracted to their test partner. One of the couples even got married a year later! This just goes to show the power of eye contact.
When you’re talking to a man you’re attracted to, you might get nervous and flit your eyes around, but you’re better off looking him directly in the eyes (while smiling!) while you talk or listen. Mix up your expression based on what he’s saying. You can raise an eyebrow to indicate that you don’t believe him (in a playful way), or even wink at him. There are so many ways you can express yourself with your eyes, so experiment and see what gets a reaction.
You can also make prolonged eye contact with him across a crowded room until he takes notice, then look away. You’ve hooked him, but then it seems like there’s something more interesting that has taken your attention. This will pique his interest since he wants your attention back on him, and he’ll walk over.
Seduction Tip 2: Practice Your Dozens of Smiles
Did you realize there are different types of smiles? Some you won’t want to use, like the fake smile, but you can still mix it up.
Try a sly smile that says I know something you don’t know, combined with a quiet chuckle, to leave him wondering about what you’re thinking.
Smile genuinely when he approaches or says something interesting.
Give him a smirk if he uses a cheesy pickup line. You don’t want to send him away with his tail between his legs, but you do want him to know you’re onto him.
Make up your own smiles! Like eye expressions, there are tons of ways to leverage this if you’re learning how to seduce a man.
When you’re on a date or just talking to a guy you want to seduce, be keenly aware of your body positioning. If your arms are crossed or you’re facing away from him, he won’t get the sense that you’re interested. On the other hand, if you lean in with your arms propped on the table or your hip, this tells him you’re open.
And never underestimate the power of a good hair flip! Hair, especially long hair that’s loose, is particularly sexy to most men. So remind him of how Pantene-worthy yours is.
Touch goes hand in hand with body language. The more often you touch him — and we’re not talking obvious caresses here — the more he’ll want to touch you back. Touch reminds men of — yep, you guessed it — sex, so it’s a subtle way of saying I want you.
If you want to know how to seduce a man with touch, focus on resting your fingers on his forearm, gently squeezing his biceps (oh my! what big muscles you have!), or laying your hand on his shoulder or back. Try it and see if he reciprocates within a few minutes.
Seduction Tip 5: Send Seductive Texts
The secret to knowing how to seduce a man is realizing that not all seduction happens in person. You can also fascinate him via text. The key here is not to be blatantly sexual but to use innuendo to get him thinking sexy without pushing for it.
Leave lots of blanks for him to fill in.
I had a dream about you last night…
Do you know what I’d do if you were here?
I’m still thinking about that fantastic kiss. Wow!
Really watch that line between seduction and sex because some guys are only too happy to start sending dick pics or sexting, and that is not your goal. You want to create anticipation, whether that’s to see you again, kiss for the first time, or even, yes, have sex.
Seduction Tip 6: Display Your Confidence
Nothing’s more seductive than a confident woman.
There’s a reason I’m always encouraging you to be more confident: men love it. If you seem like you’re not desperate, that you could take or leave talking to a guy, his desire to chase you kicks in.
A confident woman knows she’s attractive, funny, and smart. She doesn’t need a man to tell her that. In fact, she doesn’t need a man at all. And nothing makes a man want a woman more than when she shows that she doesn’t need him but wants him. So own that.
If he compliments you, smile and look in his eyes and say thank you. Or better yet, I know!
Hold your shoulders back. Shoulders forward says you’re insecure. The opposite says you own the room.
Wear clothes that flatter you. You don’t need to wear super short skirts or plunging necklines to be sexy, but do wear clothes that say I know I look fab.
Seduction Tip 7: Show Off Your Intellectual Side
If you’re thinking you need to play down your smarts to learn how to seduce a man, you’re wrong. Most men, especially sapiosexuals — also known as nymphobrainiacs — get turned on by intelligence. If you know you’re smarter than a rocket scientist, then let it shine!
Note: there’s a fine line between showing off your intellectual side and just being a know-it-all. If you’re trying to seduce a guy, you can talk about books you’ve read and things you’re interested in, but don’t start correcting him if he says something wrong.
Him: …you know, since the sun revolves around the Earth…
Nothing will kill a man’s libido faster than being corrected. So just leave it.
This is particularly useful if you meet a guy through a dating app since you often have some great meat about what he’s into. If you see a book or topic he’s interested in on his dating profile, bring it up. The more obscure, the better. He’ll be blown away that you even know about it! (Just make sure you actually do).
Seduction Tip 8: Be a Little Hot and Cold
I know a lot of women who think how to seduce a man is to throw themselves at him. How will he know you want him if you’re not draped all over him?
In fact, the opposite is true.
That woman isn’t a challenge. The woman he will chase is one that pours all her attention on him…then excuses herself to get a drink or say hi to a friend. The woman who, as soon as he shows interest, backs off a bit.
If you realize you’ve been doing a lot of touching or eye-batting, pull back and let him step up his game to show you that he’s interested.
Seduction Tip 9: Let the Dance Floor Do the Seducing
Make your moves on the dance floor.
Dancing is a wonderful way to show your attraction without requiring any witty conversation. And no, there’s no twerking involved!
If you’ve been making eyes at a guy across the room and you think he’s interested but he hasn’t yet made a move, sashay over to him, grab his hand, then pull him out on the dance floor. You can get close, but there’s no grinding necessary. Just having you within such close proximity will work its magic. Let your hips loosen, smile to show you’re having a good time, and throw your hands over his shoulders.
If you haven’t yet danced with him, get out there by yourself and dance while watching him. That makes it pretty clear that you wish he was there with you on the dance floor!
Seduction Tip 10: Have Some Deliberate “Accidents”
If you’re sitting at a table next to this guy, let your leg brush his several times. He’ll wonder, was that an accident?
Drop something and pick it up so that you show off your body. Or drop it so that your hands collide as he also reaches to pick it up.
He will think these little gestures are accidents, but he’ll still be seduced and want you more.
Conclusion: How to Seduce a Man? Be Authentic
Be yourself and you’ll totally seduce him.
While some of these tips on how to seduce a man require you to get a little out of your comfort zone, in general, you should feel comfortable doing them (if not, skip that one). I 100% believe that you have to be yourself in order to seduce a man. Otherwise, you come off as inauthentic, and he’ll see right through you.
If you’re sexy and confident, you’ll prove yourself to be genuine. He’ll want you, mind, body, and soul if he sees that you know who you are and what you want (including him!).
You may need to practice these tips on how to seduce a man so that you perform them flawlessly and confidently. Consider every date you go on to be the opportunity to practice. Take mental notes on what got best results (hair flip combined with a light touch on the wrist? Check!) so that you know to use it next time.
And while seduction isn’t about sex, it’s a great lead-up to it if you want to have sex with a guy you’re seeing. Remember that anticipation is half the fun, so let that sexual tension really build up so that when you do finally decide to get into bed with this man, it blows his mind entirely. Take your time, though. While your seduction efforts may make him all the more eager to express your physical relationship together, you also need to be on the same page for it to happen. When it’s right, it’ll happen.
Do you have other tips to share on how to seduce a man? Please share them with the Sexy Confidence community in the comments below.
Learn to seduce through flirting with my Flirting Workshop. Get instant access to it today!
So you’ve met a man you are drawn to, but you’re not sure how he feels about you. You’re looking for signs a man is attracted to you sexually to figure out if this guy has the hots for you.
Let me just save you the trouble: he does!
No, seriously, I understand that you want empirical evidence that he is secretly attracted to you because then you’ll know how to act around him. Am I right? Well, I’m going to give you 20 signs a man is attracted to you sexually so there’s no doubt in your mind that he is!
Why Sexual Attraction Matters
What Men Find Sexy In a Woman (Attraction Secrets For Women) | Adam LoDolce - YouTube
You know I like to nerd out sometimes on science, and for good reason! It explains so much about dating and attraction. When you consider why sexual attraction matters, you’ve got to go back eons: we’ve always been attracted to people who seem like, genetically, they’d help us create strong and healthy offspring.
While you may not be interested in reproducing with the guy you’re chatting up in the bar, you still will be sexually attracted to him, thanks to your genetics.
You Don’t Have to Be a Supermodel for Strong Physical Attraction
Many of the thousands of women I’ve coached on dating and relationships have told me, “Adam, I’m not pretty enough to attract a hot guy.”
I always tell them: it’s not about you being a supermodel. It really isn’t. It’s about finding someone you’re physically and sexually compatible with. Let’s look at science to explain.
There’s this concept called associative mating that says that people choose mates (or are attracted to) people with “correlated attractiveness levels,” according to University of California, Davis psychology professor Paul Eastwick.
So while you’re making eyes at the guy who’s just a tiny bit overweight and balding, don’t assume he’s going for the twiggy angel in the corner. He’s more than likely into you, if you just pay attention to those signs a man is attracted to you sexually.
Sexual attraction, actually, is as much about your personality as anything else. Think about it: have you ever met a man who was unbelievably gorgeous and maybe you were physically attracted to him from a distance, but once he started talking and you realized that his head was completely empty, that attraction disappeared?
Or maybe you met a guy you weren’t attracted to off the bat, who, after making you laugh so hard you peed, you found yourself drawn to physically?
It just goes to show that there are a million factors that go into sexual attraction.
20 Signs a Man is Attracted To You Sexually
Now let’s look at those signs a man is attracted to you sexually! Keep in mind that the man you’re interested in may exhibit some of these signs of attraction…or others. Everyone has different “tells!”
1. He Stays Really Close to You
When you talk, he’s on you like glue.
“That’s so interesting,” he rumbles, “Tell me more.”
He’s standing just inches away from you when he says this and is just this side of being a Close Talker. Still, you like him being in your orbit.
A man who’s not attracted to you sexually will create distance between you two, and he may cross his arms or display other body language that communicates “not interested.”
But this man can’t seem to get enough of you! Take it as a good sign.
2. He Sits With His Legs Spread
This is an interesting sign a man is attracted to you sexually because what it communicates is his manhood. Studies show that men want to establish their dominance, especially around the ladies, and may sit or stand with their legs apart. Think about what’s between those legs, and it’s no wonder he’s posturing!
A confident man may even be hoping you’ll peek at what’s happening between those legs. It’s completely up to you whether you take the bait or not.
3. He Blushes
Okay, so not every guy is an over-confident bro who’s showing off his junk like a peacock. Some guys, particularly the shy and awkward ones, may simply blush when they’re around you. Maybe he feels like you can read his thoughts, and is embarrassed at the idea.
If you’re into the silent and shy type, look for less subtle signs a man is attracted to you sexually, because you might miss these hidden clues if you’re not paying attention.
4. He Touches You Often
Now, I’m not talking a pervy ass-grab here. A man who wants you will find any excuse to touch you. He might lie and say there’s an eyelash stuck to your cheek so he can “get it” with his fingers.
He might graze your back with his palm when holding the door open for you.
He might “accidentally” bump your knee with his…and then leave it there.
Again, if this guy wasn’t into you, he’d go out of his way not to touch you.
5. He Makes Great Eye Contact
Intense eye contact is his specialty!
You can’t remember any guy ever making such dedicated eye contact with you! Eyes communicate a lot, so pay attention to how often his lock with yours.
If you start to feel awkward at the prolonged gaze, have a little fun. Raise your eyebrow or even wink at him, and see what his reaction is.
6. He Notices Other Men Checking You Out
Men are territorial, and whether this guy is looking just for a little fun tonight or something more long-term, he isn’t going to like it if someone encroaches on what he has staked out as his (that would be you). He will be hypersensitive to any man in the room checking you out.
He might point it out to see what your reaction is. Naturally, he wants reassurance that you only have eyes for him.
7. He Talks in a Deeper Voice When You Are Near Him
You swear this guy’s voice is normally a pitch or two higher, but whenever you’re around him, he pulls out the Barry White. Once again, science explains this. A deeper voice can indicate a good partner for producing genetically healthier children, and a man with a deep voice should live longer.
Be warned, though: studies indicate that deep-voiced men may be more prone to cheating and otherwise be untrustworthy.
8. He Flirts Hard
One of the signs a man is attracted to you sexually is that he steps up his flirting game. He wants you to know, in no uncertain terms, that you have captivated him. If his interest is more physical than emotional, his flirting may lean more toward physical flirting than any other type (did you realize there were different types of flirts?). He may gently pull a curl and tease you about your hair.
He may give you some cheesy pickup line like, “Are you tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all night!”
He’ll find any way he can to let you know he finds you irresistible. Enjoy it!
Or an I’m-Imagining-You-With-Your-Clothes-Off Smile?
There’s a big difference between the two, as you can imagine.
10. He Stares at Some Very Inappropriate Places on Your Body
C’mon. Every woman has noticed a man staring not-so-subtly at her cleavage…or her butt. I’m sorry, but we’re not known for our subtleties! Plus, sometimes a guy wants to give off obvious signs a man is attracted to you sexually so he knows that you know.
If you’re fine with this kind of attention, lean forward if he’s staring at your chest. You could say something flirty like:
“See anything you like?”
“Hey, eyes up here, buddy.”
If you get up to go to the bathroom on a date, turn around to see if he’s checking you out from behind. If he is, you know he’s lusting after what you have to offer.
11. He Finds Excuses to Smell You
Okay, there’s definitely a subtle way to do this and then there’s the guy who leans over and deeply inhales your neck or hair. Either way, be flattered (or run): scent plays a big part in sexual attraction. While scientists are still trying to get to the bottom of this fascinating fact, the pheromones you’re putting off can make a man crazy.
While your own natural scent will do its job, enhance it with a perfume that you think makes you smell even more fab.
12. He…Um…Adjusts Himself When Near You
A man who is sexually attracted to you may…erm…rise to the occasion without meaning to, even in public. So if you notice him shifting his pants around, sitting down suddenly, or covering up his package with something to hide what’s happening, you know you’ve found one of the signs a man is attracted to you sexually.
13. He Touches His Chin a Lot
One of the signs a man is attracted to you sexually is he touches his chin often.
I’m not really sure why men do this…but it’s definitely one of the signs a man is attracted to you sexually. If he’s got facial hair, he may be making sure nothing’s out of place with a little unconscious grooming. It may also be a nervous tick.
Pay attention the next time you’re around him and see how often his hand wanders to his face.
14. Your Conversations are Drawn Out
You: “Excuse me, could you pass me the napkins please?”
Him: “Sure. Oh, hey. Napkins. Yes. Here they are. They’re nice, don’t you think? I like thick paper napkins…”
If he’s finding an excuse to linger and talk to you more, he’s into you. This applies whether it’s a guy you’ve never even met (like in the napkin example) or a guy who can’t seem to let you go at the end of a date. In the latter case, he may be hoping you’ll invite him in.
15. He Fidgets with Things
On your date, he plays with the ice in his glass. The fringe on your purse. The coaster. You think it’s a sign that he’s completely bored, but in fact, the opposite is true. It actually is an indicator that he’s physically drawn to you and is nervous fidgeting as a result.
16. He Takes a Deep Breath When He Sees You
You know how peacocks puff out their chests and then shake their tailfeathers? Well, this guy may not have tailfeathers to shake, but he can puff out his chest in a subconscious way to make you more attracted to him. All he has to do is take a deep breath. Instant upper body showcase.
17. He Hints That He Wants You
He’s not that subtle about his attraction to you.
Some guys are less subtle when it comes to demonstrating signs a man is attracted to you sexually. He may drop rather large hints. Let’s say you’re texting and he asks what you’re doing. You tell him you just got out of the shower. His reply?
“Mm. Now you’re making me jealous.”
Or you tell him you’re going to bed, and he says:
“Great. I’ll be right over.”
He’s using the element of humor to test the waters and see what your reaction is. You can shut him down by diverting the conversation, but if you want to reciprocate, play along.
18. He Tries to Make Plans That Don’t Involve Going Out
So you’ve gone out a few times, and maybe you’ve kissed on the last few dates, but nothing further. Now, instead of planning another dinner and drinks date, he’s inviting you over to binge watch Stranger Things. Get a clue! If you come over, no more than 15 minutes of the first episode will be watched.
Either that or he makes the classic “wanna come over to my house for a nightcap?” move. Who has nightcaps? People who plan to have sex, that’s who!
19. He Licks His Lips a Lot
Another way a man shows you he is secretly attracted to you is in how often he licks his lips. He may be priming them for a passionate kiss with you…or thinking about what else he’d like to do with those lips.
20. You Feel it
The truth is, you don’t need a roadmap to identify signs a man is attracted to you sexually. There’s a sort of electric energy that happens when two people have chemistry, so trust your gut on this one. I guarantee you’re not wrong.
There’s no question: he’s got the hots for you!
Now that you know this guy wants you, the question is: what are you going to do about it? If you’re also attracted to him physically but aren’t ready to have sex, draw out the anticipation. Let him know through your own signals that you’re receptive to his advances, but let him know that you want to roll slow. Anticipation is half the fun!
The important thing is feeling safe and not rushed when it comes to having sex with a man. Do so on your terms, not his. And remember; if you want this to turn into something meaningful, it may do you good to wait to have sex.
So talk to me. What signs a man is attracted to you sexually have you noticed? Share them in the comments below.
So you want your ex back…or at least to make him want you, so now you’re asking your friends for advice on how to make your ex chase you.
You’re sure that, if you “play hard to get”, he’ll come running back and beg you to take him back.
I’ll be honest: this may or may not happen, depending on how serious the reason for your breakup was. There are tons of useless articles online promising you that you can win him back with a few “cheat tips.” But I’m not here to take your money and give you bad advice. I want you to know that if it’s not meant to be with this guy, no amount of effort is going to change that.
The best thing you can do is let him go and move on.
On the other hand…I’ve coached hundreds of men and women, and seen many many examples of when the following strategies on worked to get couples back together.
I’m going to assume that he broke up with you if you’re trying to get him to come after you (otherwise you’d be doing the chasing), so in this article, I’ll go into strategies on how to make your ex chase you that don’t involve games or lying.
Before You Plot How to Make Your Ex Chase You…
How to Make Him Chase You (Without Playing Games) - YouTube
Consider this your safety warning. I know that when he left you, you probably felt broken into a million little bits. You miss him a thousand times a day. You can’t see your life going forward without him.
But step outside of your pain with me for just a moment to really assess whether you need this man back in your life. Don’t gloss over what went wrong, whether it was just at the end or throughout the entire relationship. Really own those problems. Examine them.
Were there times you were so frustrated about those problems that you couldn’t see the relationship working out?
Did the two of you constantly fight about your issues?
Did you feel like you were unable to trust him?
It’s easy to bury your head in the sand after the psychological trauma of being broken up with. But you need to be honest with yourself about whether that relationship really had any hope of surviving, or if it was doomed from the start.
I get it.
Right now, all you can see is the goal of getting him back and of learning how to make your ex chase you. But please consider whether that is truly the best thing for your sanity and wellbeing. It might not be. (following #2 will help you figure this out.)
Step #1: Take Back Your Power
There’s a power play that happens in a breakup. He controlled that situation. Possibly out of nowhere, he drops the bomb that he’s unhappy and can’t stay with you the way things are. Your world crumbles. You have zero power in this situation, other than to walk away with what little dignity you can.
But in the aftermath, you’ve had some time to reflect on the breakup and the relationship in general, and now it’s time for you to take back your power.
You get to decide whether to interact with your ex post-breakup (more on that in #2). You control your reaction to the situation. If you allow him to take up energy in your head, you’re still giving him power.
I know. It’s amazing how someone who’s not even in the room with you can take control of your brain. But you’ve got to push him out. Do things that nurture you. Exercise. Go out with friends. Stay busy. The more active you are, the less time you’ll have to replay conversations or play the “what might have been” game in your head.
Something really interesting happens when you reclaim the power you lost in the breakup. He notices. Where he might have seen you as a sniveling puddle of sadness on the floor right after the breakup (sorry!), he’s now seeing a confident woman who isn’t as upset by the relationship ending as he thought she was. What a blow to his ego.
Why are you taking back your power? You’ve had a bruise to the ego. You may feel unwanted or unloved. Trust me: you’re not. So by reclaiming your power, you feel a little more like your old self and are able to see that life doesn’t end because of a breakup.
Step #2: Follow The No Contact Rule
Learn how to make your ex chase you by starting with zero contact for 3 weeks.
I’ve talked before about the no contact rule on Sexy Confidence. There are so many reasons to nix all interaction with your ex right after a breakup.
You need time to heal.
You need perspective on what went wrong.
You need to figure out if you even want/need to be with this man.
Making him miss you a little doesn’t hurt, either!
But maybe right after he dumps you, your ex tells you he wants to stay friends, and still keeps in touch.
He might text you every few days…
Or like your Instagram posts…
Or stop by to see you.
First of all, this goes back to #1. He has power if he’s the one dictating when and where he sees you when you really need time away from him!
I want you to stop and think for a minute. What benefit is there in him saying he wants to stay friends after breaking up with you?
He wants to keep you in his back pocket. He wants you there in case nothing better comes along. You’re his Plan B.
This is not where you want to be, even if you are working on how to make your ex chase you. He needs time away from you to realize what he gave up. To understand that he had a good thing with you, and now he’s jeopardized it. To reflect on how he can win you back.
Because you don’t deserve to be a Plan B. You deserve to be won back like a prize at the county fair. Yeehaw!
So no talking or seeing him for three weeks. Be firm. Own it and you’ll have the power.
Step #3: If He Contacts You, Be Calm and Casual
After that month of no contact, he’ll likely reach out. It might be a simple “hey” text, or he might call you, gushing out how he made a mistake and wants you back. Or somewhere in between.
Whatever the form of contact, whatever he says, you must be calm and detached. He cannot know for a minute that inside you’re jumping up and down for joy at the prospect of things working out after all.
I know you’re a medley of emotions right now. Part of you wants to scream at him for breaking your heart. Part of you wants to cry over the pain you’ve been through. Part of you wants to sigh with relief that he wants you again.
But I’m begging you: keep it in check. If you want to know how to make your ex chase you, you’ve got to play it calm, cool, and collected.
Let’s look at two versions of you and assess which your ex would be more likely to chase.
Version A: “Omigod I knew you’d come back! I’ve been miserable without you! I can’t eat! I can’t sleep! Should I bring my toothbrush over since I’m staying the night tonight (and every night after)!”
Version B: “It’s good to hear from you. How have you been? I’ve been crazy busy. Finally got around to taking those salsa lessons I talked about.”
I mean, be honest: which is more appealing to you? Version A is a hot mess…whereas Version B is a Sexy Confident lady who doesn’t fall apart when a man does something to her, for better or worse. He’s not even sure he can win back Version B, so he’s going to try even harder (because failure = bruised ego).
Step #4: Wait For Him To Come Chasing After You
Allow him to chase you! It’s harder than it sounds.
If you want to win at how to make your ex chase you, you’ve got to let him actually chase you! Just because he’s sniffing around you again doesn’t mean that he’s actively pursuing you or that he wants to get back together. Men chase what they can’t easily access, so you’ve got to become less accessible.
You do that by getting a life.
Like I always say, I’m not encouraging you to manipulate him or play games, but you can make it harder for him to reach you. Put your phone on silent while you watch tv so you don’t jump up to respond to his text within seconds. Go out and get active so you can honestly say you’re not available tonight. Let him text first. Set the framework for when and how he can connect with you. Dole out your time like treats.
It’s shocking: 44% of people have slept with an ex…and you can bet they didn’t all end up back together as a couple long-term. Sleeping with someone you’ve already been with, who you’ve trusted with your body and soul, can seem like a good idea, but remember your goal. You’re working on how to make your ex chase you so that you can be together indefinitely…not for a night.
So while you might read his seduction as the first step toward a reunion, realize that it probably isn’t. It could just be that he’s horny, and figures it’s easier to get with you than go meet a chick in a bar, buy her a drink, and hope that she goes for it.
Sleeping with him after a breakup but before you’re officially back together can severely impact your efforts to get him back. It can make him stop chasing you altogether when he sees there’s no challenge.
So yes, he can want to sleep with you…that desire may fuel him to work to woo you back. But you absolutely shouldn’t act on it until you’re officially an item once again.
As you develop your own strategies for how to make your ex chase you, keep asking yourself if you still want to get back together. You may find that you see a different side of him as he tries to win you over…and maybe he’s less enticing than he once was.
If he’s overly emotional and eager about getting back together, you may find him less attractive (#3 works both ways). Sure, you want him to be contrite and apologetic about ending something that had potential, but he still needs to seem like a catch in your eyes.
So have fun with it! Being wooed is one of the joys of dating and relationships, and it very well could inject the fresh energy you needed to make your relationship work long-term.
So talk to me. What methods have you learned for how to make your ex chase you that had positive results? Share them in the comments below!
The first step of winning him back is making yourself whole again. I created the Heal Your Heart program with you in mind, and filled it with amazing resources to help you mend that broken heart before you work on how to make your ex chase you and ultimately capture your heart again. Get access here.
So now that you’re in a happy relationship, you want to know how to be a good girlfriend to keep your man happy. Take it from me: it doesn’t take much to do just that, but I wanted to compile a list of ways to be a good girlfriend to help you out.
7 Proven Things Men Want in a Woman | Adam LoDolce - YouTube
What Does It Mean to Be a Good Girlfriend?
Work on how to be a good girlfriend because you care about him, not to get something.
Think back to your last boyfriend. What’s your first reaction?
“He was a great boyfriend (barring whatever split you two up).”
“Ug. He was the worst boyfriend. He didn’t care about me and was never affectionate.”
It’s probably easier to list all the things he did wrong than what he did right if he was a bad boyfriend. But think back further to a good boyfriend you’ve had.
Now take a moment for me and make a list of all the things that boyfriend did right.
Does your list look something like this?
He was always affectionate.
He would give me gifts.
We had great conversations.
It felt like we were a team.
Now you know what it takes to be a good partner in general! Essentially, being a good girlfriend is treating your man the way you want to be treated. It’s the whole Golden Rule thing.
But take note: you shouldn’t want to learn how to be a good girlfriend because you want something from your guy. You should do it because you genuinely care about him. Maybe even love him. When you give without strings attached in a relationship, you get so much more in return.
Here’s another note: while I encourage you to treat your boyfriend how you want to be treated, that’s a generalization. We all have different quirks and desires. You might love kissing in public, while he hates it. So don’t kiss him more because that’s how you want to be treated!
Also, we have our own what are called Love Languages. Essentially, they’re the ways we prefer to communicate love or have it communicated to us. Often couples have different love languages. So while you might have a Love Language of gifts (you feel loved whenever he gives you one), his Language might be time (he’d rather cuddle with you on the couch). So consider what makes him feel loved as you work through this list of how to be a good girlfriend.
19 Principles Of How to Be a Good Girlfriend…or Even a Great Girlfriend
Before we dive right in, let me say that whatever you do to be a good girlfriend, make sure it comes naturally. If it’s forced, he’ll know, and your intention will get lost. You may feel resentful for him not appreciating you doing some of the things on this list, which is kinda counterintuitive to trying to be a better partner.
1. Be His Friend in Addition to His Girlfriend
Don’t just do couple-y things! Do friends things together too.
A lot of couples I know started out as friends. But something odd happened once they became romantically involved. They stopped being friends. I mean, sure, there were more complicated feelings involved, and maybe sex. But when you take the “friend” part out of the equation, it takes something away from the benefit of being a couple, I feel.
So what does being his friend look like? It’s about having a connection outside of the bedroom. Doing things you did together when you were friends (if that was the case before dating) or doing things together that you’d do with a friend (hiking, watching a sporting event).
2. Be Open
Women aren’t the only ones that enter a relationship with baggage from past experiences. Men, just like you, have been hurt in past relationships. They may have trouble being vulnerable with you.
While certainly, you have to work through your own issues, know that openness is the key to a successful long-term relationship. So if you want to build trust with this man, be open and honest with him. That means telling him about your past and issues that might arise (you have trouble trusting men after being cheated on, for example).
This may be hard for you if you have difficulty opening up, so gradually work on it.
3. Give Him Space When He Needs It
Giving him space away from you gives him a chance to be whole.
The women I’ve coached have trouble with accepting the fact that men sometimes need their space. It’s got nothing to do with you. It’s just how we are.
And yea, they may brush that need aside when you first start dating, either because they’re so excited to spend all their time with you or because they worry that they’ll put you off with that need to be apart from you. But as you settle into a relationship, they get more comfortable letting you know that they need space.
If you really want to work on how to be a good girlfriend, give him that space when he needs it. Don’t take it personally. Use that time to be by yourself or with your friends.
I know some women who do whatever they can to not rock the boat in a relationship early on, so they stifle their opinions and personality. This is such a shame because the right man will love you because of your opinion, not in spite of it.
Obviously, you don’t want to offend him. Maybe stay away from topics that might cause arguments (politics and religion being two examples). But absolutely do speak your mind. You’re a smart, sexy woman with thoughts that deserve to be shared.
Don’t be shy about contradicting him, either. A little healthy back-and-forth banter can be fun!
6. Be a Nice to His Friends
They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but actually, I’d argue that it’s through his friends. Just like you, men care what their friends think of a woman he’s serious about. If they call her names or don’t want to be around her, it’s harder for him to deal with. If he’s constantly spending time with you or his friends separately, it will stress him out.
So another way you can learn how to be a good girlfriend is to make friends with his friends. You don’t have to love them. But you do have to be nice to them.
If he tells you a story about what’s going on with his buddy Ted, ask about it the next time you see him. If Jake is going through a hard time, buy the two of them a six pack and send your man over to be with his buddy.
7. Care About His Health
Show you care by taking care of him when he’s sick.
Take it from me: even the guy that powers through a cold rather than staying in bed and nursing it likes to be taken care of by his lady.
If you notice him coughing, pick up cough drops at the drug store and bring them to him. If he’s full-on sick, bring him chicken noodle soup and a good movie. If he’s unable to run errands, offer to do them for him. These are tiny gestures that can leave a big impression about how much you care about him.
8. Trust Him
You: “Hey can you please pick up the dry cleaning after work?”
Him: “Uh, yea. Sure.”
You: “Nevermind. I’ll do it myself.”
If you’re a control freak, it’s probably going to be pretty challenging for you to trust someone else to do things as well as you know you could do them. But even if he does a bad job, you still need to trust him.
And trust extends to your emotions too. Like I said: putting a wall around your heart doesn’t let him in. Realize that he’s not the guy that broke your heart in the past. He’s not guilty of past transgressions. So trust him a little. Let him in.
9. Listen to Him
Listen to understand so that you show you’re paying attention.
Did you realize that there are different types of listening? In a study conducted by Faye Doell, research showed that there are two different types of listening: “listening to understand” and “listening to respond.”
If you listen to understand, you can significantly improve your relationship, because you’re paying attention to what he’s saying, processing it, and reflecting on it. When you listen to respond, you’re already thinking about what you want to say in reply, and you’re not really paying attention.
10. Be Authentic
In the eight years I’ve been a relationship coach, I can’t tell you how many misguided women I’ve met who try to be something they’re not to please a man in a relationship. And every. single. time. this strategy failed.
You may assume your boyfriend likes his women a certain way (docile, perky, overly-intellectual) and you may try to be that, but I assure you: you won’t be able to keep up that facade for long.
If you want to know how to be a good girlfriend, be real. A good girlfriend will not hide behind a fake mask. She’ll let her guy see her authentic self. Yes, it’s scary. But if you’re going to be vulnerable (#4), then you have to let him see who you really are.
11. Be Supportive
Be there for him, in good times and bad.
My girlfriend Jessica is like my own personal cheerleader. When I score some awesome business opportunity, she’s in the front row cheering for me. If I’m going through something tough, she’s the shoulder I lean on.
We all want someone supportive in our lives. Being a good girlfriend means taking your turn in supporting him, not just leaning on him all the time. In a solid relationship, partners take turns being there for one another.
12. Work as a Team
Continuing that sports analogy: being a team player is another way to work on how to be a good girlfriend. Being a team means you work together for a common objective.
Maybe you work out together and support one another’s fitness goals. Maybe you travel together and take turns planning the day’s adventures.
No one of you is fully in control of the relationship. You rely on one another and help one another succeed.
13. Compliment Him
Make him blush with a surprise compliment!
It’s such a simple tip on how to be a good girlfriend, yet this one thing seems to dwindle in relationships over time.
But think about how much you love it when he compliments you.
“That’s an excellent idea!”
“I’m lucky to have such an amazing woman in my life.”
It takes so little energy to compliment your boyfriend, so make a point of doing it several times a week. Mix it up! Don’t just compliment his body or face. Remember he’s got a brain too!
14. Compromise Sometimes
I know. You like getting your way. And I bet that most of the time, you get it. But a healthy relationship has a healthy dose of compromise.
That means sometimes you’ll have to do things you’d prefer not to do.
I’m not talking about robbing a bank. I mean smaller stuff like staying at his house for the weekend even though you’re lazy and would rather he come to yours. Or going to watch the game with his friends once a month rather than your preferred wine bar.
While ideally compromise should make both of you a little happy but neither of you ecstatic, sometimes you’ll have to give more than you want to. Just look at the big picture: doesn’t he do the same for you? Couldn’t you make this small sacrifice, knowing that your relationship is about give and take?
15. Be Affectionate
Give him affection on his terms.
This is another aspect of a relationship that often slips away over time. You start out being unable to stop touching one another. You constantly hold hands, kiss, and hug. But as you get used to being around one another, that level of affection may slip. Don’t let it.
Part of learning how to be a good girlfriend is expressing your affection through physical touch. Again, though, defer to what he wants affection-wise. He may prefer to spoon at night over PDA.
Even when you’re busy or stressed, don’t neglect to kiss your boyfriend every time you see him, even if it’s just a quick peck on the lips. And hey, there are plenty of health benefits of kissing! Not only does it reduce your stress and make you happier, but it also can help you live longer.
16. Seduce Him
Yet another important component of a happy relationship: seduction!
The longer you’re together, the easier it is to just say, “Wanna do it?” and hop into bed. It’s like something to mark off a list.
But when you take the time to seduce your man, you make him feel appreciated and attractive. In return, he’ll want to make you feel good.
It’s perfectly understandable that you might occasionally experience jealousy if you see your man talking to a woman or checking one out. But keep it in check or it may backfire. Overboard jealousy usually indicates insecurity. Don’t you trust your man? If you do, then make light of it.
“Oh, is that your next girlfriend?”
“Did you want me to go back and get her number for you?”
If you can make a joke out of it (and he realizes you’re not mad) then you can communicate that you see him with another woman, and rather than be threatened by it, you’re simply noting it.
18. Make Him Feel Special
While a lot of these tips on how to be a good girlfriend are designed to make your boyfriend feel special, you can still do more.
On his birthday, bake him a cake and get him a thoughtful present.
Text him to say you’re thinking of him in the middle of the workday.
Pick up a book you think he’d like.
Give him a massage (and don’t demand one in return).
Think about the things he’d like, that would make him really feel good, and start doing more of those!
19. Allow Him to Be The Man in The Relationship
Let him show off his manliness!
Okay, I know you’re going to think I’m being sexist with this tip on how to be a good girlfriend, but hear me out.
Yes, many men like confident, take-charge women. But from time to time, they also like being able to do those things that make them feel like they’re taking care of you.
Opening the door for you.
Puffing out their chests at the sign of danger.
Walking with you on the side furthest from passing cars (to keep you safe).
I know you don’t want to be seen as a weak female, and believe me: you’re not. But know that sometimes it’s okay to let him take the lead. You can still be an independent feminist if your boyfriend takes care of you and treats you well.
There are certainly more tips on how to be a good girlfriend (and you can definitely come up with your own list), but these should get you started.
Pay attention to his reaction to each thing you try. You may find that he responds well to you being open, but might not love you giving him space if he’s not a man who needs it. Reassess results and tweak your strategy accordingly.
Realize that the ways you work on how to be a good girlfriend may change over time. Your relationship will change, as will each of your needs. So go with the flow, and continually work on how to be a good girlfriend (and maybe one day: wife!).
Now I want to hear from you: what’s your #1 tip on how to be a good girlfriend? Tell us in the comments below.
Not sure how to be a good girlfriend? Need insight into what your man is thinking so you can give him what he wants? Download the Male Mind Map today and learn what men REALLY want in a relationship!
If you had asked me ten years ago, I couldn’t have told you what the definition of love was. I never really understood love until I personally experienced it.
Maybe you’re the same. Maybe you’ve been in long-term relationships — even married and now divorced — and still aren’t sure how to define love. Maybe you feel like, despite the fact that you spent years with a man…you really didn’t truly love him, and now you’re wondering what that would feel like.
The Definition of Love: Discover The 3 Types + What Love Really Is - YouTube
If you haven’t truly experienced love, that’s perfectly all right. That’s why you’re here. Because sometimes, when you least expect it, someone comes into your life so unexpectedly, takes your heart by surprise, and everything changes you forever.
So realize that even if you don’t know what the definition of love is at this moment, you will…possibly very soon.
In today’s video and post, I want to talk about three different types of love. Because, if you look up a word in the dictionary, a definition of a word often has different meanings or sub-definitions. So the definition of love can actually be three types of love that we’ll get into shortly.
P.S. My Attract the One webinar is a must-attend for any woman who’s serious about discovering the definition of love for herself.
Introduction to the Definition of Love
Love is a chemical bond. While it might seem all goo-goo eyes and magic to you, it’s actually quite scientific.
So it’s interesting to see that not all love is the same. And certainly, each one of us might give a different definition of love. You may or may not experience each of these types of love, so don’t worry if you identify with one over the others when you date a man.
Also, you may experience one type of love while the guy you’re with experiences a totally different definition of love. In the eight years I’ve been coaching people on how to find and keep love, I’ve seen that happen again and again. So let’s look at each definition of love and love type so you can assess what to do in each.
Love Type #1: Lust
If you just met and you can’t keep your hands off him, it’s lust.
You meet a man while you’re out with a friend, and there’s just…something about him. You can’t get him out of your head. He’s unlike any guy you’ve been attracted to.
From a hormone standpoint, you’ve got estrogen flowing through your brain, while his is filled with testosterone when lust is happening. The lust love type is where a lot of one-night stands happen.
Lust is also where that whole “I fell in love with him at first sight” experience occurs. But, while I’m not here to debate whether love at first sight is a real thing or not in this article, I just want to point out that what is often seen as love at first sight is usually a strong physical attraction that could (or could not) end up being something more sustaining and real.
A group of Dutch researchers conducted a series of studies where they found that, upon looking at photos of people that they’d never met, participants who said they felt love at first sight often ranked higher for feeling physical attraction than actual love.
To me, lust happens when you have little to go on about a person beyond their physical looks. And yes, that wonderful chemistry that happens when two people are physically compatible plays a large role. But without more data for your heart to process, lust may be simply a physical reaction to another human.
So while you might think you love this guy, if you haven’t been dating more than a few weeks, it may just be lust. That doesn’t mean it can’t turn into something more, but realize that you’re not there yet. You don’t know him well enough to experience the true definition of love.
Is It Wrong to Feel Lust For a Man?
Lust gets a bad rap. Yes, I did say that one-night stands usually happen as a result of lust, but I’m not knocking it as an emotion or feeling.
When you’re in lust, your synapses are firing on all cylinders. You’re so immersed in a person that you feel like you can’t come up for air. When you’re in bed together, it’s just fireworks. Boom. You’re convinced you’ve never had sex as good as this in your life (whether it’s true or not).
What’s important is to acknowledge that you’re experiencing lust, and not confusing it with a deeper love.
As you get to know this man, you bond emotionally and come to respect him. That lust may turn to passion (which is very similar), which is sustaining and not selfish, the way lust can be. Still, a relationship that starts out with lust (and most do) absolutely has the potential to be long-term.
Love Type #2: Attraction
Once you care more about him than his body, you’ve moved to attraction.
The second definition of love is attraction. While it’s similar to lust in some ways in that you’re drawn to that person, different hormones race through your brain: dopamine and norepinephrine.
With attraction, you can’t eat.
You can’t sleep.
You can’t stop thinking about him.
You’ve got a giddy feeling whenever you think about this guy.
Not only are you drawn to him physically, but you’re also attracted to his personality, so we’ve leveled up in terms of love type. It’s most common in that honeymoon phase of a relationship, which may last six months to a year.
Lust is about one thing: sex. It puts blinders on your eyes to a man’s faults sometimes because all you want is his body.
You can overlook that he’s a slob.
You can overlook that he’s sleeping with lots of women.
You can overlook the fact that he’s not boyfriend material at all.
But attraction is where you’re starting to know this guy more, and you’re more emotionally invested in other aspects of him besides sex. You may be attracted to his brain. You may love his laugh or his jokes. Essentially, there’s more ground for a relationship to blossom once you feel attraction.
But while attraction is one step deeper into the definition of love, I’d say you still don’t have true and full love yet.
Love Type #3: Attachment
Once you work on bonding long-term, you’ve got the attachment love type.
Now we come to the third definition of love: attachment. The hormones kicking in here are oxytocin and vasopressin.
While I’ll say this is the “friend zone” of love, don’t get me wrong about what I mean. I don’t mean that you’re only friends once you reach the attachment phase; instead, I mean that you have deep respect and connection with this man. Not only do you find him physically pleasing, but you also actually like the guy and enjoy spending time with him.
Think about it from an evolutionary perspective: while our ancestors’ primary goal was reproduction, the secondary goal was to build a family unit. So if you as a cave-lady were attached to the father of your children (and vice versa), he’d stick around and bring you guys dinosaur meat rather than moving on to spread his seed elsewhere. He’d protect you, and you’d raise your kids together.
Even if you’re not looking to reproduce, that sense of attachment can ensure that you have a solid foundation for a relationship.
With attachment, you will want to commit even more to the man you love. That might mean you move in together or get married. You share everything with him. You tell him your secrets, and he tells you his. You trust one another completely.
This is, of course, where the definition of love really kicks in.
The Secret: You Need to Balance All Three to Really Enjoy Love
In a perfect world, you will have a beautifully balanced concoction of lust, attraction, and attachment.
If they’re out of whack, you may experience jealousy, irrational behavior, or even cheat. You may end up in a relationship that doesn’t work if one of you, for example, has way more lust than attachment.
But in a healthy long-term relationship — which is what Sexy Confidence is all about — you have a balance. You may start out with lust, which grows into attraction, and then finally attachment. But you will also continue to experience each of those.
You may be with your man for five years, and one day as he’s dressing for a date, you become overwhelmed with lust for him. Do your thing!
You may every day be so grateful to have such an intelligent and hot man love you.
And you may rely on him as your partner in life, further strengthening that attachment bond.
Lust. Attraction. Attachment. They’re all important and necessary as you come to develop your own definition of love.
True love has a healthy balance of lust, attraction, and attachment.
Even if you can’t yet give me your definition of love from personal experience, at least you’re more aware of the components that go into it. I guarantee you’ve felt at least one of these types of love in your life…maybe even all three.
Love feels different for everyone. But what should be consistent is that he…
Makes you feel safe.
Makes you feel appreciated.
Enhances your life.
Lights you up inside.
Makes you want to be a better person.
I know it’s easy to want to fit one guy into the role of being Mr. Right, but if you have any question whatsoever of whether it’s love or not…it probably isn’t. As they say, you’ll just know when it’s right.
If you’re in a relationship and it’s not right, don’t try to make it a good enough relationship and settle for less than you deserve. Love is — and you have to believe me on this — worth waiting for, even if it takes a while. When you finally fall in true love, you’ll laugh at all the times you thought you felt it in the past.
So what do you think is your primary focus when you’re out meeting men right now, lust, attraction, or attachment? Take the survey in the video.
Then let me know in the comments below: do you agree with this definition of love?
While you like the guy you’re dating, you find yourself looking for signs he’s using you. Something just feels…off, and the last thing you want to do is be played.
Well, I’m here to point you in the right direction. If any of the following signs he’s using you ring true, you need to exit stage left immediately. You are too smart and sexy to be taken advantage of by any man, and there’s someone out there for you who will respect you the way you deserve to be respected.
Signs He’s Using You That You May Not See
15 Eye-Opening Signs He's Using You and What You Can do About It - YouTube
The thing about players is…they’re good. They’re so good at being dishonest and making you believe anything they want you to. So if it turns out that any of these signs he’s using you are true, I don’t want you to be hard on yourself. Every woman I’ve ever worked with as a relationship coach has been taken advantage of, so you’re far from alone.
The key is taking action immediately once you realize you’re being played. If you identify some of the signs he’s using you and then you stay with him, well, that’s on you.
I get it, though. You may feel like you won’t meet another guy, and maybe there are some really great things about this one (other than the fact that he’s using you).
But I’m here to tell you that staying with a guy like this is unacceptable. For one, you’re reinforcing his behavior.
He’ll think well, she knows I’m using her and still she stays, so that’s going to be my strategy with every woman.
For two, you’re settling. You’re giving up the hope that there is one great guy out there for you. This is not him. Imagine your life with this jerk five or even fifty years from now. Are you happy then? Of course not.
So cut ties now before it gets harder.
Here are 15 signs he’s using you. Sometimes we don’t see what’s right underneath our noses, but there it is.
1. He Contacts You on His Schedule
2. You’re Not Going on Actual Dates
3. He Says All The Right Things
4. He Won’t Talk About Commitment
5. Your Friends See Right Through His Act
6. He’s Beyond Selfish In The Bedroom
7. You’ve Never Met His Friends And Family
8. He’s Financially Dependent On You
9. He’s Always Asking For Favors
10. He Doesn’t Care How You Feel
11. He’s Not Affectionate
12.He Ghosts You
13. He Shows Up At Odd Hours
14. He Has A Bad Rep
15. You Aren’t His One And Only
1. He Contacts You on His Schedule
Do you spend all your time waiting for his text?
Start paying attention to when you hear from this guy. Is it only late at night? Or maybe it takes him days to respond to your text. This, frankly, is unacceptable.
Certainly, you shouldn’t expect him to instantly respond to every text, but if you’re seeing a pattern of him contacting you when he gets around to it, then this may be a sign he’s using you.
What to Do About It: If you’re not sure if this is an issue, try texting him during the day and keeping track of when he responds. Also notice if he only texts you late at night (hello, bootie call). You can ask him to be more prompt in responding or text during the day, but it might not be worth it.
2. You’re Not Going on Actual Dates
You may have been seeing this guy a few weeks, but think about how you’re spending time together. You might be meeting at your house for lunch…only you don’t end up leaving the bedroom for a meal. Maybe he works at night and invites you over after he gets off at 11.
One of the signs he’s using you is that you never actually go on a date, especially not a full-on dinner date that costs more than $10.
Has this man actually bought you a meal or taken you out to anywhere that would constitute as a date location? If not, this man isn’t dating you. He’s sleeping with you. You might not even realize it! After all, you’re cool with having sex…but you thought you were having sex with a guy you were dating, in the hopes that it would eventually turn more serious. Sorry to tell you, but it never will. This guy will never commit.
What to Do About It: Before you ditch him, ask him out for dinner or somewhere else “datey.” If he’s got some lame excuse, he’s not interested in getting to know you over a plate of alfredo. Move on.
3. He Says All The Right Things
The fact that he does everything right could be one of the signs he’s using you!
Man, this guy is a smooth operator. He’s wrapped you around his finger and you know it. From your first date when he made himself vulnerable by telling you something personal to his constant girl, you’re so beautiful compliments, he’s proven to be smooth…
A little too smooth.
You’re used to guys acting a little nervous on early dates with you, and this guy’s confidence is a bit much. The fact that he always knows exactly what to say makes you feel like he’s probably saying these things to a whole lot of women.
What to Do About It: If you think he’s talking to other women, he probably is. But this as one of the signs he’s using you is harder to pin down. I mean, you can’t say you’re flattering me! Clearly, you’re using me! So I suggest you pay attention and watch out for other signs he’s using you to be sure that he’s trying to take advantage of you.
4. He Won’t Talk About Commitment
You’ve been seeing this guy long enough that you feel the two of you should become exclusive and not see other people. Yet every time you bring it up, he freaks out.
Whoa, babe. We haven’t been seeing each other that long. Let’s just keep our options open.
Maybe you haven’t been dating other people, and you wish he’d commit in return. Every time you go out with friends to a place you know he likes, you fear that you’ll run into him and some other girl. Maybe that’s even happened.
What to Do About It: You have to ask yourself: why is he so averse to committing to you, especially if you’ve been dating for months? I know you feel like you’ve invested serious time in this guy, but he’s communicating a major message that you’re not seeing: he wants to play the field, and you’re just one part of his sport.
He figures it’s not technically cheating since he never said he would be your boyfriend…yet it still feels like he’s being disloyal to you. Ditch the dude. You deserve better.
5. Your Friends Think He’s a Jerk
Listen to your friends! They may see through his act.
Do you find yourself defending your guy to your friends constantly? Are they always pointing out what a jerk he is, and you always ignoring them? Your friends probably can point to all the signs he’s using you if you ask.
What to Do About It: Consider why a friend might not like the guy you’re dating. Have you told her about the times you’ve been upset? Maybe you called a friend crying when he stood you up or verbally abused you. Your friend may be more in tune with how he’s using you based on what you’ve told her.
Especially if she’s telling you in a loving way that this guy isn’t for you, stop and listen. There’s likely truth to what she’s saying. And consider the big picture: who will be around in five years? This guy that’s making you crazy, or your loyal friend?
6. He’s Beyond Selfish In The Bedroom
While you enjoy romping around with this man, you realize that things aren’t exactly balanced in the bedroom. You’re definitely giving more than you’re getting. And when you bring it up, he just says, I’m not really into [thing you want him to do.]
If he really cared about you, he’d do whatever it took to make your toes curl. Sex, like a relationship, should be about equal power, with each partner giving just as much as the other.
What to Do About It: Maybe you’re thinking, well, if I ditch him then I won’t be having sex at all. Look, being alone is better than being with a selfish man. How he treats you in the bedroom is probably indicative of how he treats you outside of it, and he will never be willing to sacrifice his own needs for you.
7. You’ve Never Met His Friends And Family
He may not like you enough to let you into his world.
Again, you’ve been dating this guy for long enough to expect certain things…like meeting his friends or family. I mean, if his family lives across the country, sure, you might not have the opportunity to meet them. But everyone has friends, right? And yet he’s made no effort for you to get to know them.
You’ve got to ask yourself why he’s not interested in introducing you to people who matter to him. Could it be because…you don’t matter to him? I know, I’m being harsh. But I’m giving you these signs he’s using you so that you can see that lightbulb over your head go off and do something about it.
What to Do About It: Flat out ask him why he isn’t introducing you. I seriously doubt he has a good excuse, but it’ll at least make him squirm…before you tell him you never want to see him again.
8. He’s Financially Dependent On You
You might be looking for signs he’s using you for money, so let’s discuss finances.
Who pays for dates? You or him?
Does he frequently complain about being broke or whine about situations that leave him strapped for cash?
Has he flat out asked you for money?
Here’s my two cents: talking about finances is something that solid, committed couples do. Not people who have dated a few weeks or months. And they have open conversations about money, not try to get it out of the other person.
What to Do About It: Here, I’d rather focus on what you shouldn’t do: you should never ever give or loan this man money. You don’t know him like that. You will very likely never see it again. But also pay attention to ways you’re financing him: maybe he’s asked you to pay his phone or utility bill or asks you to pick up a few things for him at the store. All of this amounts to the same thing: he’s using you for money.
It hurts to hear, but he’s not dating you because of your sparkling personality. He wants something from you. This will not end well, so get out as soon as you can. And send him a bill for what he owes you. 🙂
9. He’s Always Asking For Favors
Are you tired of doing favors for him, like picking up his dry cleaning?
Hey, would you mind picking up my friend from the airport?
Can my sister crash on your couch?
Will you get me a six pack while you’re out?
If the guy you’re dating is constantly asking for favors, he’s up to no good. Just like in the “selfish in the bedroom” example: if he’s into you, he should want to do you favors.
And sure, couples do favors for each other all the time. But they’re not constant, and they’re always reciprocated. If you feel like he’s asking too much, it’s likely one of the signs he’s using you.
What to Do About It: See if he’s willing to return the favor. After he asks for one, ask for one about as big (if he asks you to pick up his friend, ask him to take your dog to the vet). See what his response is. I’m willing to bet he’ll have excuses on why he can’t do it.
10. He Doesn’t Care How You Feel
You have the world’s worst day and all you want to do is curl in a ball and vent to the man in your life. So you do just that. His reaction? He barely looks up from watching the game to pat you on the shoulder.
You just feel like whenever you share something with him, he’s indifferent. There’s no excuse for this. When you’re dating someone, you should be invested in their emotions. When he’s sad, you’re sad…so why doesn’t he feel the same?
What to Do About It: Leave. Immediately. He isn’t worth the breath it would take to yell at him, so don’t ignore this sign he’s using you.
11. He’s Not Affectionate
He never seems to want to get close to you.
One of the perks for you in dating is having someone to hold hands with, hug, and kiss. But this guy only seems affectionate with you in the bedroom. If you’re out and about and you try to grab his hand and he pulls away, that’s a big red flag! Either he just doesn’t dig you or he’s worried someone may see you together (meaning he may have a girlfriend or wife in the wings).
What to Do About It: Honestly, some guys aren’t big on PDA. That doesn’t necessarily make them jerks. But that, combined with other of these signs he’s using you, can be an indicator that this man is not a good fit for you. Let him go.
12. He Ghosts You
Maybe you told him you didn’t want to sleep with him after your second date and then he vanished into thin air. Maybe you brought up commitment and then you never hear from him again. Whatever the cause (and it’s quite possible you’ll never know), he’s ghosted and you’re left feeling frustrated and a bit pissed.
What to Do About It: Again, this is a “what not to do” scenario. Don’t, for any reason, reach out to find out what happened. He doesn’t want to talk to you. He’s a flipping coward who couldn’t say ya know, we want different things. I don’t think this is going to work out. So he disappeared.
I know you’re tempted to give him a piece of your mind, but trust me: it will do no good. This guy is a user and a loser, and you telling him so won’t make him change his behavior.
13. He Shows Up At Odd Hours
He thinks he can show up in the middle of the night?? Uh uh!
It’s 2 a.m. and there’s a knock at your door. You reach for the baseball bat to bash the intruder on the head…only to find this guy standing on your porch.
He didn’t come to wish you sweet dreams, lady.
Or maybe you make plans to meet up at a party and he shows up four hours in.
This guy is not consistent, and you can’t rely on him to be where he says he’ll be on time. Frustrating.
What to Do About It: You can yell and scream, but I doubt it’ll do any good. Make it clear that you have expectations, and he isn’t meeting them. Then find a guy who can meet them.
14. He Has A Bad Rep
When you tell people who you’re dating, they get a funny look in their eyes. When you ask what that’s all about, they say something like, oh nothing. I just heard he’s a player is all.
If you hear this from more than one person, listen up! I know his blue eyes are soulful and those tattoos make you melt, but bad things sometimes come in good packages. If you’re in your 40s or later and dating, you’ve got to wonder: why is this guy single? If he’s never been married or even had a long-term relationship, please slow your roll and puzzle that one out. Sure, he’ll say it’s because he hasn’t met The One, but it’s hard to find The One if you’re hopping from bed to bed.
Am I right?
You’re too old for the whole Bad Boy appeal thing, woman. Although…if you’re ovulating, it might be your body’s fault. A scientific research found that women who were in their week of ovulation delude themselves that bad boys would make good partners or even fathers! So the lesson here: don’t trust your brain if you’re ovulating!
What to Do About It: I know that bad boys are “pretty”. They put a lot of work into being attractive to the opposite sex. But resist! Because you’ll end up with a broken heart, and I simply can’t have that.
15. You Aren’t His One And Only
You get the sense you’re not his only woman.
Oh, Lori! he cries out in bed…only your name is Sandra. Sometimes you feel like he calls you girl because he can’t remember which of his many women he’s talking to. You definitely get the feeling that he’s dating (and sleeping with) other women. It’s not a good feeling.
This is definitely one of the big signs he’s using you, especially if you’re sleeping with him. If you’re not yet having sex, he’s probably into the thrill of the chase and may lose interest if you give in.
What to Do About It: If you aren’t having sex yet, let him know that the only way that’s going to happen is if you become exclusive. He won’t like that. If he agrees to that condition, you need to listen to your gut to decide if he’s being honest about not seeing anyone else…or if he’s just telling you what you want to hear to get in your pants.
There you have it: the signs he’s using you. I apologize if you feel worse than you did before you read this. That wasn’t my intention. I did, however, want to open your eyes to the way this man may be mistreating you.
I know we all put up with behavior we shouldn’t, especially if it’s been a while since you’ve dated anyone. But I need you to believe that there is someone out there who is fabulous who has zero intention of using you like this guy is. Be patient. You’ll find him. In the meantime, ditch the dork and focus on being happy on your own.
What signs he’s using you have you noticed in a relationship? Did you put up with it or leave?
Confident women don’t take no crap from any man. If you need a little injection of faith in yourself, try my 21 Days to Sexy Confidence program. In just 3 weeks, you’ll learn your worth and will never ever settle again.
Inquiring women around the world want to know: should I kiss on a first date? What will he think of me if I do (or don’t)? Does it set the course for the future of that relationship?
I get it. That first date is so critical for determining whether you have chemistry with someone enough to want to build a relationship with them. You also worry about making the wrong moves because if you do something offensive, he might decide he doesn’t want to see you again.
A lot of women worry that if they kiss on the first date, the guy will think they’re easy and will see it as a gateway to a hookup. On the other hand, not kissing could say you’re not interested…when in fact you are.
So you see the conundrum. What’s a girl to do? Let’s figure it out together.
What Does a Kiss Communicate?
5 Steamy Tips: How To Kiss a Guy | Become A Kissing Goddess - YouTube
Let’s start by interpreting a kiss. What does one mean, particularly when given on a first date?
“And so when we’re kissing, we’re in what we call our personal space. It’s a perfect opportunity to get that sample and to sense whether this might be a good match for us. And the advantage of that would be, if two people with more genetic diversity in this region got together, their child might be stronger, healthier, have a better immune system, be more likely to pass on their genes.”
Even if you have no desire to create children with this man, your inner cave-lady is still tuning into how good a father to those theoretical kids he’d be. You can assume that in this day and age if the kiss doesn’t set off sparks, you might not be a good fit in the long run.
So…Should You Kiss on a First Date?
You know I’m going to tell you that ultimately the decision to kiss on a first date is completely up to you, but let’s explore the pros and cons of locking lips with a guy after dinner and drinks for the first time.
Pros to the First Date Kiss:
A kiss on a first date can communicate that you’re into him.
I’ve met tons of women who have no problem giving a kiss on the first date. It should be no surprise that these tend to be highly confident women. Here’s why they say you absolutely should consider that kiss on a first date.
1. You’re Interested and Want Him to Know
After a coffee date that stretched on for hours, you’re pretty pumped about this guy. You have so much in common. You’re even looking for the same thing in a relationship! Score! Still, you’re nervous that you haven’t given the impression that you’re as into him as you are. You tried doing those tricks Adam taught you to communicate through body language, but still, you want to close out the date with no question at all that you’re interested.
Also…you want to be completely sure that he’s as into you. You don’t want to go home and wait for him to ask you out on a second date. Lock it down now, girl!
If you’re reasonably sure he’s into you and you want to communicate the same, a kiss on the first date is a great way to get your point across.
2. You Want to Give the Promise of More to Come
You’re a Sexy Confident lady and you want to leave this guy wanting more. You want to end the date making him ready to see you again immediately. So you use your sassy sexy cool and lean over and kiss him when he least expects it.
He’s so taken aback, but he’s into it. And you? Cool as a cucumber, you wink at him and walk to your car alone.
See if he doesn’t text you within hours of that fabulous kiss.
3. You Want to Test His Gentleman Factor
Face it: some of the guys you go out with are jerks who want nothing more than to get in your pants. You’re tired of it, frankly. So you meet a guy who seems to have potential, but you want to make sure he’s not like the others. A good way to tell? Embark on that kiss on a first date and see if he gets handsy or overly passionate.
Consider a kiss on a first date like walking into someone’s house you barely know. Do you knock…or do you barge in and take your shoes off, making yourself comfortable on the couch?
Of course not! A first kiss should be polite and not overly sexual. You may or may not even use tongue. If he’s putting more sex into his end of the kiss, he’s probably interested in one thing, and it ain’t gazing lovingly into your eyes.
4. You Get a Sense of How He Feels
Like I said: a first kiss on a first date communicates a lot. Pay attention to what his body language before and during the kiss is telling you.
Before the kiss…
Is he slowly getting closer to you?
Is he finding every excuse to touch you?
Is he acting nervous?
And during the kiss…
Does he pull you close like he can’t get enough (without stepping outside the gentleman zone)?
Does he still act nervous?
Does he run his fingers through your hair or touch your face?
All of these are very good signs that he’s into it…even if he is a little (and understandably) nervous. So giving a kiss on a first date can help you better understand where his head’s at in terms of how he feels about you.
5. You’re a Modern Woman and Don’t Need to Wait for Him to Make the First Move
A lot of times whether you kiss on the first date falls to whether the man makes the first move or not. But this isn’t 1955.
An OKCupid survey found that women who made the first move on the dating site had better results, so it’s safe to assume that men like it when ladies take initiative from time to time. Your date may not be sure that you want to be kissed on the first date, so he might hold back…meanwhile you might interpret this as signaling that he’s not interested.
A surefire way to find out if he is interested is to make that first move yourself!
Cons to the First Date Kiss:
On the other hand, maybe you’re not a go-get-’em kind of girl and you don’t want to move too fast on a first date. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with not having a kiss on a first date…and in fact, there are several reasons why you might want to hesitate before smooching.
1. You Don’t Know Who Else He’s Been Kissing
The date went so well, you’re already planning a spring wedding next year…only you have no idea that you’re his third date this week. A first date can be really early to know what the other person’s looking for in terms of dating, so you might be putting yourself out there to a man who is only looking for something casual.
Until you know if you’re aligned in what you want relationship-wise, it may be better for you to slow down a bit. Kissing a guy can make you feel more emotionally attached to him, and if you’re not certain that you’re the only woman he’s dating, it may be better to pull back until you do know.
On the other hand, if you’re also going out with (and kissing) multiple guys…it might not matter to you if he’s doing the same, so kiss away!
2. You May Not Know Him Well Enough
For some women, kissing is pretty intimate, and they want to save it for a man they feel like they know at least well enough to trust him with their spit.
If you’re going on a “first meet” over coffee with a guy you’ve chatted with a couple of days on a dating app, you might consider this your opportunity to get to know him in person, suss out whether you have chemistry or not, and then decide if you like him or not. You might not even put kissing on the agenda for a first meet like this.
In the event that this meetup went well and you’d like to kiss him the next time you see him, you can always text something to him afterward to let him know you’re interested…and that he can anticipate a lip lock the next time he sees you. That gives him all the more reason to ask you out again!
3. You Don’t Want to Send the Wrong Signals
When I ask some women whether they kiss on the first date, they say, Why Adam! I’m not that kind of girl!
While it’s true that in this day and age it’s a lot less likely that you’ll be judged as a hussy for kissing on the first date, many women nonetheless want to avoid having a man think that she’s all too eager to be intimate.
If you really want to take things slow and get to know a guy before kissing and maybe, just possibly, down the road having sex, you can communicate that you roll slowly by not kissing on the first date.
4. You Don’t Want to Get His Hopes Up
Frankly, a first date can be a whirlwind. As you sit there sipping your glass of wine, you have every emotion under the sun.
He’s super hot!
Wait…no…he’s kinda ugly.
Wow, we have a ton to talk about.
I really like him!
I want to get the hell out of here!
Truth is: you may not know how you feel about this man in the moment on a first date. You may need to go home and reflect on the date, as well as text or talk to him more to determine whether or not you want to pursue anything further with him.
A kiss definitely communicates that you’re into him…and if you’re not sure you are, you should avoid it on a first date.
Should You Kiss Him First?
Are you nervous about making the first move?
I touched on this question a bit earlier but let’s go deeper because it’s one to consider whether you kiss on the first date or sometime later.
Some men are impossibly shy and may take far longer than you would like to get around to kissing you. They’re waiting for a thousand signs that you’re into them and that you won’t reject them if they lean in for a kiss.
You can wait if you’re patient…
Or you can take initiative and plant one on him. Most men will be pleasantly surprised.
Here are some tips to follow if you decide to be the one to make the first move.
Watch his body language. Make sure you’re not reading what you want to read from the date, and that he is into you enough to welcome a kiss.
Determine whether he’s ok with an assertive woman. Some men may feel threatened if you make the first move, so see if his personality indicates whether he’d be ok with it or not.
Wait for the right opportunity.In the middle of dinner is not the right time for a kiss! Wait until the end of the evening and ask him to walk you to your car, or catch him as he opens your car door.
Consider the type of kiss. If you’re not brave enough for a full-on French kiss, lean in for a sensuous lip peck. If he wants to take it further, the invitation has been given.
Ultimately, you should be comfortable with whether you kiss on a first date or not.
The good news is: you don’t have to make a hard and fast rule about whether you kiss on a first date or not. You can change your mind on every first date you go on.
Maybe one guy is giving crazy good vibes and you end up walking through the park holding hands. Bring on the kiss!
Maybe another guy is interesting but shy, and you don’t want to push him out of his comfort zone, so you let him dictate when that first kiss happens.
Maybe another guy is giving mixed signals and you’re not sure how into him so you wait to figure it out. He ends up ghosting you, so you didn’t waste any saliva on that dude.
Whatever you decide on whether to kiss on a first date or not, you need to be comfortable with your decision. If a guy leans in and starts kissing you and warning bells are going off in your head (too soon! too soon!) back away and tell him it’s too early for you to kiss him. Or make sure there’s no good opportunity for a kiss at the end of the date (you call your Uber to get you, so it’s too awkward to kiss there).
Don’t worry about what a man will think if you kiss on a first date. Quite honestly, I’ll tell you that we’re just happy to lock lips with you at all. We’re not really thinking about what happens down the road or judging you for it…so stop judging yourself.
If you want to kiss him…kiss him! You make the rules for your life.
So now let me hear from my Sexy Confident ladies. What’s your philosophy about a kiss on the first date? Do or don’t?
Get one step closer to that kiss by stepping up your flirting game. My Flirting Workshop will teach you how to be irresistible to men that you go out with.
I know I talk a lot about the importance of being confident when you’re out there dating, but I realize that not every woman feels confident naturally. That’s why I wanted to give you some tips on how to be more confident around guys to help you step up your dating game.
“But Adam, I’ve never been very confident around guys, and my dating experience has made me less so!”
Not to worry. I’m going to show you tiny attitude adjustments you can make to help you learn how to be more confident around guys.
Men LOVE Confident Women (Seriously...We Do) - YouTube
First, Assess Your Self-Confidence
How confident are you, really?
Before we start on this journey of how to be more confident around guys, let’s find out where you are right now.
What’s your overall perception of yourself?
Do you think…
…I’m beautiful, sexy, and intelligent?
…My nose is crooked. I snort when I laugh. I’m uncomfortable around men?
A note: we all have a degree of self-degradation…even those of us who are uber-confident. So that’s normal. But if you never see the good in yourself, that gives me something to work with in teaching you how to be more confident around guys.
Do I keep my opinions to myself out of fear of being judged?
Do I worry about what people think of me?
Do I assume an attractive man won’t be interested in me?
Whether you have a teeny bit of confidence or just need a little more consistency in feeling confident when dating, you have to be willing to make changes to see results. None of these things require a ton of effort, but you’ll need to do them consistently.
Now let’s look into tips on how to be more confident around guys:
Take care of yourself.
Practice your conversation skills.
Listen and pay attention.
Dress in clothes you feel good in.
Show off your expertise.
Pre-game your date like an athlete.
Get your flirt on.
Change your inner dialogue.
Channel your inner Queen Bey.
Sport your favorite fragrance.
Don’t let past setbacks affect your future.
List what’s great about you.
Get out of your comfort zone.
Tip 1: Be Yourself
Okay, I deliberately put what may be the most challenging tip on how to be more confident around guys first. You’ll thank me later!
Why is being yourself so hard for so many people (and believe me: it’s more common than you’d think)?
So many people care what others think. You might be that way. You worry that if you break out in your best ’90s dance moves on the floor, other dancers will say oh. mah. god. Becky. Look at her dance.
In reality, they’re probably impressed that you let yourself go with such abandon and wish they could do what they wanted without worrying about what people think.
You see the vicious circle here? We’re all so worried about what others think…and yet we admire when people truly are themselves, that we’re missing out on a lot of happiness.
When it comes to dating, being yourself is the best way to find compatibility.
Think about it: when you’ve gone on dates where you were a more edited version of yourself, how did it go?
The date might have been good, but did you feel good about how you portrayed yourself?
Let’s say it worked out and you became exclusive. At what point did you start to let your hair down and be yourself? Was he surprised at how different you were from that first date?
Being yourself around men tells them, take me or leave me. You don’t want to be with a man who likes the image of you that you’re putting out there…you want a guy who likes you for you.
Tip 2: Take Care of Yourself
Take care of yourself and you’ll feel more confident.
Whatever “take care of yourself” means to you, do it. That might mean getting regular massages. Working out. Getting your nails done.
When you prioritize self-care, you feel good. You’re telling your body, mind, and soul, you’re important to me, so I will take care of you. That, in turn, builds confidence. That, then, attracts men.
Think about men you’ve been attracted to. Maybe the guy at the gym who’s always pushing himself harder. Or the coworker who always brings a kale salad for lunch. It’s a subconscious signal, but they’re communicating that they take care of themselves, and you find that sexy. Yes, kale is sexy.
If you want to learn how to be more confident around guys, put yourself first.
Tip 3: Practice Your Conversation Skills
A lot of the women I work with as a relationship coach say they lack confidence in talking to men they’re interested in. What do I tell them?
Practice makes perfect.
I encourage them to take every opportunity to talk to men. At the coffee shop. At work. On dating apps. At parties.
The secret is to feel like you’ve got nothing to lose. It’s easier if you’re practicing with a man you’re not interested in, like the guy behind you in line at Starbucks. You don’t feel pressure to say the right thing since you’ll probably never see him again (then again…the convo might go so well that he asks you out!).
Simply talking to the opposite sex helps you build confidence. Dating apps are really great for this because you’re communicating via text and have a barrier that makes it a little easier to talk. There’s sort of a rhythm in how these conversations go, so you can try out different opening lines and questions and see which men respond more to.
If you are serious about improving how to be more confident around guys, make it your goal to talk to at least one (male) stranger a day!
Tip 4: Listen and Pay Attention
Want to know how to feel more confident around guys? Listen to them.
It might not make sense at first glance that you should listen to build your confidence around men, but hear me out.
You can learn a lot from men if you just pay attention. And people who remember details (like him mentioning his upcoming dodgeball tournament) come off as confident and attractive. Who doesn’t love it when people actually pay attention to them?? So another way of how to be more confident around guys is to hear what they tell you and remember it.
When you look at an outfit, how does it makes you feel? If it doesn’t make you feel happy, sexy, or good, toss it. When you’re going on a date, choose an outfit that people always compliment you when you wear it. Choose items that compliment your body type.
Don’t wear what you think you should wear. If you’re curvy, that super slinky dress your size 0 sister wears may not be as flattering on you. Be honest with yourself about what works for your body type.
Wear colors that warm your skin and accentuate your features.
When you look in the mirror before heading out on your date, you should think to yourself, damn girl. I look good. If you don’t think it, go back to your closet.
Tip 6: Show Off Your Expertise
Don’t be shy about demonstrating your knowledge!
Have you ever been talking to a guy and realized you had some common interests? Especially if those interests are in an area you know well, this is your opportunity to really shine.
Let’s say you’re talking about travel and he says he tries to take an international trip every few years. You happen to write a travel blog and take several trips every year, so this is your chance to talk about something you’re both interested in while demonstrating that you really know your stuff when it comes to travel!
You’ll likely blow him away with all your airfare and packing hacks. And bonus? You’ll feel more confident.
I tell women never to hide their light under a barrel. Meaning: if you are smart or experienced in something, show it off! Your passion will shine through, and he’ll be all the more attracted to for it.
Tip 7: Pre-Game Your Date Like an Athlete
Most people — men and women — get nervous before a date. It’s human nature. But do you have a routine that gives just a teeny bit more confidence? If not, take a note from athletes.
Researchers at Kellogg School of Management at Northwestern University observed that athletes often immersed themselves in music before a game as a way to psych themselves up for the game. Here are some of the songs that made participants feel the most powerful. Add them to your pre-date playlist!
“We Will Rock You” by Queen
“Get Ready for This” by 2 Unlimited
You probably have your own list of songs that make you feel powerful and sexy. I’m serious about creating a playlist to listen to as you put on makeup and get dressed for a date! Do it!
If there’s anything else that makes you feel confident, do that too. It might be styling your hair a certain way, wearing bold red lipstick, or dancing around in your underwear. Those confident vibes will carry through to your date.
Tip 8: Get Your Flirt On
It feels good to flirt. As you’re showing interest in a man, flirting can also help you learn how to be more confident around guys.
Why does flirting feel good and boost your confidence? It’s hard for a man to not flirt in return when he’s receiving positive attention from a woman, so then you get the benefit of his return attention.
When you think about whether or not a man will be interested, what does the voice in your head say?
He’s way out of my league. No way he’ll be interested in me.
I’m not thin/smart/sexy enough to talk to him.
We all have this inner critic, and I know how hard it is to ignore it. But I’m telling you for your own sanity: put on earplugs!
You may feel like that inner voice is there to help you. It discourages you from taking risks and encourages you to follow status quo. What’s wrong with that?
Everything, actually. Without risks, you get no rewards, especially as it pertains to love.
Realize that your inner critic’s sole mission is to take you down. It says things that, frankly, are 100% untrue in an effort to derail your self-esteem. Once you realize that, it’s easier to ignore that voice.
So the next time that voice says something nasty about you, I want you to acknowledge it, then let the comment go.
Inner critic: You look fat in that dress. No way he’s going to kiss you on that date tonight.
You: I hear you, but I choose to ignore you. I happen to think I look fantastic in this dress!
You may hear a little scream from your inner critic when it realizes that you’re no longer heeding its advice. Don’t worry. Eventually, that scream will get smaller and smaller until you hear nothing but your own confident self-talk in your head.
This tip on how to be more confident around guys can also make you more confident in other aspects of your life. Just turn off that voice!
For this tip on how to be more confident around guys, I want you to channel Beyoncé or any other celebrity that you think is uber confident. Then ask yourself:
What would Beyoncé do on this date? Would she cross her arms and try to make herself small or sit up straight with her shoulders back and look this man in the eye?
Would she cower when he gives her a compliment or smile and say, thanks! I know!
Sometimes you’ve got to fake confidence until you feel it. The good news is that others have no idea that you’re faking it. You can totally fool them into thinking that you are one badass Sexy Confident lady. And something interesting will happen after you fake it a while…you’ll start to believe that too!
Tip 11: Sport Your Favorite Fragrance
This is such an easy tip on how to be more confident around guys, and it takes literally a second to do: before you leave the house for your date, spray a little fragrance on your skin. The wrists, of course, but also maybe your cleavage and neck.
All of these can really ding up your self-esteem, but you’ve got to consciously keep them from causing long-term damage. This can take practice.
First, realize that the more energy you give a negative situation, the more space it will take in your brain, and the harder it will be to get past it.
If you have a bad dating experience, let it roll off your back. Try to figure out what lessons you can learn from it. I know! This is tough.
The last thing you want to do is make blanket assumptions based on past experiences like:
All men are jerks.
I attract men who lie to me.
Realize that we all get hurt. We all have bad dating experiences. But there absolutely are men out there that you will date that will treat you like a queen. Just look at it like this: you’re one fool closer to finding that long-lasting and mutually satisfying love you’re looking for.
Tip 13: List What’s Great About You
It can certainly be easier to think about all your flaws, but humor me: write down a list of all the things that make you a great partner.
I’m funny as hell.
I’m really good at my job.
I have a cute button nose.
I’m a good friend and partner.
I’m good at remembering details about people.
I look great in red.
You may need to pull this list out from time to time to remind yourself why you’re so fabulous. And realize that if it doesn’t work out with a certain guy, it’s not because you have flaws. People are either meant to be together or not. If the guy you go out with tonight isn’t supposed to be your next boyfriend, that’s not on you. It’s just a fact.
Tip 14: Get Out of Your Comfort Zone
Confidence comes outside your comfort zone!
One thing I’ve noticed as I’ve taught women how to be more confident around guys is that those who pushed beyond their comfort zones found confidence more easily. Consider whether you stay in your safe zone to avoid discomfort. The idea of stepping beyond that border may terrify you, and yet, that’s the best way to boost confidence.
So what does getting out of your comfort zone look like in dating? It might mean attending a singles event at a bar by yourself when you’d rather stay home and watch a movie. It might mean setting up an online profile. And it might mean saying yes when you’re asked out by a guy you just aren’t sure about.
No one ever suffered by saying yes more! So make it a goal to do something that scares you just a little as often as possible. I’m willing to bet you’ll be less scared once you see how great it is to push beyond your comfort.
BONUS SECRET on How to Be More Confident Around Guys: Men Are Humans, Not Gods!
I’m not sure why so many women elevate the status of men to such a high pedestal. They think that they’ve got to earn approval from them, when, as I see it, it’s the other way around.
The men I know (including myself) are often bumbling and nervous, saying the wrong thing.
Women are much more likely to seem poised and confident on a date, even if they don’t feel that way inside.
So why this disconnect?
We all see the world through our own unique lens. You see your own flaws far better (or…worse?) than anyone else. I guarantee no one but you thinks you’re getting crow’s feet.
And so we make assumptions about how other people are. If you’re not totally confident, you may feel unworthy of a particular man (or all men in general). This is unhealthy because in no way should you rate your own worth based on what someone else thinks of you. This will not only create a block in you finding love, but it will also cause you to have issues in your relationships as you constantly seek approval from your partner.
So realize that the men you date are just as nervous and unconfident as you feel. You won’t see it because you’re so wrapped up in your own head. Just trust me on the fact that men struggle just as much as women.
I hope this article has given you a little insight on how to be more confident around guys. But realize confidence isn’t instant ramen; it will take practice and time to really become the Sexy Confident Lady I know you can be.
Don’t give up. You’ll have setbacks. You’ll have days when you in no way feel confident. That’s completely normal. But like I said in Tip 12: don’t let setbacks affect you. Start fresh every day and remind yourself how fabulous you are.
You can’t put your finger on it…but something’s just not right in your relationship. Maybe he’s out late without explanation. Texting you less. Acting suspicious. Is he cheating on you?
While I don’t want to be an alarmist, I’ve found that if your gut tells you something, it’s often true. Still, you want to be sure that what your instinct is accurate and that you’re not just being jealous, which is why I created this video.
5 Shocking Signs That He's Cheating + What You Can Do About It - YouTube
I always say that there are three rules for any relationship to be successful:
1. Open your heart and love that person.
2. Trust them when he loves you back.
3. Stop following rules 1 and 2 if he cheats on you.
There’s no gray area in my mind when it comes to cheating. If he’s dating — or even sleeping with — other women when he’s indicated that he’s committed to you, you can never trust him again. He may beg, plead, and apologize, but please believe me: you can’t change spots on a leopard. Taking back a man after finding all the signs a guy is cheating and having clear-cut evidence of it only tells him that it’s okay for him to continue his behavior.
After all…if you took him back once, you’ll do it again, right? That’s his thinking.
So let me save you a lot of heartache. If you’re asking yourself is he cheating, then there’s a pretty good chance he is.
P.S. Finding out a guy cheated on you can really beat up your self confidence. But don’t let him win! Sign up for my 21 Days of Confidence to get back to your courageous self!
Is he cheating? Sometimes the evidence is less obvious.
If you’re a woman who has never been cheated on, congratulations. If you have been cheated on, then you have my sympathies. There’s something so painful about caring about someone — maybe even loving them — and finding out that they haven’t returned that affection and respect.
I know it’s easy to say all men cheat, Adam! but I don’t want you to believe it. Because it’s not true. There are plenty of good guys out there who won’t hurt you…but you have to ditch the cheater before you can find them.
If you’re looking for signs that he is cheating on you, the best thing you can do for yourself is get to the bottom of the situation quickly. If in fact he is cheating, then you need to leave. Like, now.
I’m here to help you preserve your sanity and to minimize the heartache you experience in life and love.
Fred: What’s the big deal? If you’re not married, you can’t cheat.
Ted: I can’t imagine lying to someone and having a second relationship!
If you know he’s been hanging out with other women in a way that is not friends-only (and he’s been trying to hide it), there’s something wrong. But confronting him won’t get you far because he doesn’t think he’s doing anything bad. Rather than trying to fix him, move on.
Sign 2: He Actually Tells You About the Other Woman
Is his work wife something more?
Sounds shocking, but your man might actually tell you about The Other Woman if you listen closely.
Maybe he talks more and more about his “Work Wife.”
Or maybe a neighbor he just keeps happening to bump into.
Things might start out innocent enough. Maybe he doesn’t even intend to cheat at first. But if she’s coming up more and more in the conversation, you need to pay attention.
Why? Because cheating often happens with someone the guy knows, not a total stranger he hooks up with (though that’s possible too). Affairs often start out as emotional. This woman that he’s spending time with, either at work or socially, might make him feel attractive and confident. If you’ve been with him for a while, he might not be getting that same energy in your relationship. Yes, he totally should talk to you if he’s not getting what he needs in the relationship, but he might take the (seemingly) easy route by spending more time with that woman that gives him a boost of confidence.
Is He Cheating and Giving You Clues About It?
So while I’m not saying that you should be concerned about every woman your man ever mentions, if there is a name that’s coming up over and over again, look into it.
If it’s someone you don’t know, say something like: you talk about Beth at work a lot. She sounds great. I’d love to meet her! See what his reaction is. If he’s suddenly squirrelly about getting these two ladies together, there’s something there.
Sign 3: He Suddenly Cares About How He Looks
The longer you’re in a relationship, the less you care about how you look. I mean: at the start, both of you put extra energy into dressing up. You wore more makeup. He showered more. Over time, you’ve grown so comfortable around each other that you’re okay with rocking the torn stained sweatpants most days.
But all of a sudden, he’s going shopping and wearing pastels and plaids.
Or maybe this guy with the teddy bear belly is hitting the gym hard. If he’s simply trying to feel better, great. But if he’s trying to look better for someone…who isn’t you…that’s not good.
Is He Cheating on You and His Sweatpants?
Look, I personally think couples should always dress up occasionally…both for each other and for themselves. But if he’s doing things that are really out of the ordinary looks-wise, dig into it. It could be that his other woman mentioned how sexy she found suspenders. That would explain his new fashion choice.
Your response? Start dressing up and caring how you look too. But not to make him jealous. To make yourself feel good and realize that you’re wasting time on someone who would only care how he looked for someone else.
Sign 4: He Hides His Phone Screen
Pay attention to his sneaky phone behavior. It could be a sign he’s cheating.
You’re laying on the couch together and his phone buzzes. You reach to grab it to hand it to him and he pushes you off of his lap and gets it himself. How rude!
Or you sneak up behind him when he’s on his phone to grab his waist from behind. He jumps like a cat on a hot tin roof and immediately turns it off.
If he’s sneaky about what he’s doing on his phone, this is one of the signs that he is cheating on you, unfortunately. He’s not a CIA agent. What else could he be doing that he wanted to hide? Playing Simon’s Cat??
And if you find that you’re deliberately creeping up on him to see what he’s up to, the relationship is already over. You know what’s going on.
Is He Cheating Through His Phone?
If he’s texting another woman — even if they haven’t met, kissed, or had sex — I still consider that cheating. A man doesn’t have to have sex with a woman for there to be infidelity. Block him from your life…and your phone.
Is he cheating? Consider how often you get a text or a call from him these days as compared to months ago. Has it dipped significantly? Maybe you used to get a morning check-in text from him daily and now you can’t remember the last time he sent one.
Or maybe you’re the one who always does the calling.
Maybe in person he just doesn’t try to connect. After a long day of work you would love it if he asked how your day was (the way he always used to) but when you get home, he’s playing video games with his brother and has made it clear that they don’t want to be disturbed.
Is He Cheating Because He is Too Chicken to Talk to You?
Emotional distance is far from unusual in long-term relationships. But if addressed, it doesn’t have to mean the demise of one. However, it does take guts for a man (or woman) to tell his partner that things have been different for him. He doesn’t want to hurt you (oh, the irony) so he takes the “easy” way out by having an affair with a woman he can connect with.
Assuming you catch him cheating, the relationship will be over. He might even subconsciously want to get caught for that very reason.
I dunno. I don’t get it. It seems a heck of a lot easier to just sit down and be honest, with the hopes that things will still work out than hurting someone by cheating and getting caught.
Sign 6: He’s Super Defensive and Argumentative
If he gets defensive whenever you ask him questions, that’s a red flag!
You: Hey babe, it looks like you didn’t fill up the car like I asked. Can you do that tomorrow please?
Him: Jeez. Why are you always on my back?? I was busy, okay??
It seems like every little thing sets him off, particularly when you ask him questions about his life, his activities, and his feelings. It’s hard because women seek to get closer to their mates when things seem off…and at the same time, this makes men pull away. So you continue to prod and he continues to retreat.
There’s no winning here.
He may be arguing more because he knows he’s a dog and feels guilty about it, so he’s trying to tell himself that he’s justified because you keep asking questions!! How dare you?
Or he may be trying to push you away so it doesn’t come to you finding out that he’s cheating. Either way, you can’t make a cornered dog less defensive.
Is He Cheating You Out of Your Relationship?
He’s controlling the dialogue in this example, my dear. He’s trying to blame you for what is a very natural thing for a girlfriend to want to do: get information about her partner. You’re not interrogating him (despite what he says). You simply want answers. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
Realize you might not get those answers, but you do have an answer to the big is he cheating question. What you do from here is up to you.
Is he cheating? Is he lying? Your heart wants to say he’s not…but your gut says otherwise.
I know it would be easier to ignore the situation. Hope that if he’s doing anything he shouldn’t that he stops soon.
I know it might seem easier to be with a guy who may or may not be with other women while he’s telling you that you’re his one and only than to get back into the dating pool.
But look at it like this: if you bought a car and as soon as you drove off the lot, it started giving you trouble, you wouldn’t ignore that. After all, you invested a lot of money into this car. It’s unaccepable that it should deliver a subpar performance.
Likewise, you’ve invested a lot of time and energy into this man. While that might seem like a good reason to stay, it’s actually a reason to leave. You shouldn’t accept a subpar relationship. He will never give you what you want if he can’t be satisfied just being with you.
I know it hurts. But believe me: millions of women have left relationships where they were cheated on, and they’re all so much better for it. Staying with this guy only keeps you from finding true happiness.
So believe in yourself enough to know that it’s time to move on.
Talk to me, ladies. What signs that he is cheating have you come across? How did you handle it? Leave a comment below.
Once you leave him, love yourself. Work on that confidence building. It takes a little time…three weeks to be exact! My 21 Days of Confidence program will fast track you to feeling like your old self and getting back out there.
You search and search for Mr. Right…then you finally find him…and you struggle with a new challenge: how to be vulnerable with a man.
Whether you haven’t been in a serious relationship before…
Or you’ve been terribly hurt in one…
Vulnerability does not come easy for most women (or men). But it’s also a key component of a loving and healthy relationship. Here, I want to give you some tips on how to open up and let this man into your heart fully.
Why You Should Learn How to Be Vulnerable with a Man
Let’s look at Scarlett O’Hara, the main character in Gone with the Wind, to understand why being vulnerable is a good thing.
She flitted from husband to husband during the Civil War, mainly focusing on her own financial security. She never really loved any of them…until she met Rhett Butler.
After some trials and tribulations, she realized that her marriage to him wasn’t just one of convenience…she actually loved the guy! And so…a little too late…she opens up to him.
Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.
Scarlett built a fortress around her heart, and it wasn’t until she removed it that she actually learned how to be vulnerable with a man. Unfortunately for her, that happened too late.
Don’t be like Scarlett.
Being vulnerable with someone you love (and who loves you in return) creates a deeper level of intimacy. You’re essentially putting your heart on a platter and saying, here. I trust you with this. Please don’t break it.
When you and your man both allow yourselves to be vulnerable with each other, you build a deeper bond of trust. You’re saying, I’m showing you my underbelly here, and hope that you do the same for me.
Scientific research has proven that mutual openness between partners plays a role in creating and sustaining a healthy relationship. That’s what you’re aiming for, isn’t it?
And lastly, you want to be emotionally naked because it’s incredibly sexy to men. When you’re able to open up to someone you trust, he knows he’s doing all the right things to make you happy and will continue to work for your love.
What Being Vulnerable in a Relationship ISN’T
But Adam, you say, if I’m vulnerable with a man, it means I’m weak.
Vulnerability isn’t about letting a man control the relationship, or even needing a man in your world.
As research professor, Brené Brown, says: Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage arenʼt always comfortable, but theyʼre never weakness.
On Being Vulnerable After Being Hurt
5 Relationship Lessons We Should've Been Taught in School: REAL Dating Advice for Women - YouTube
I’ll be honest with you: when you successfully learn how to be vulnerable with a man, it opens you up to getting hurt…again.
Women who have been divorced, who have been lied to or cheated on, or even abused, find it incredibly hard to expose themselves to pain again. That’s completely natural. If this describes you, you very well may be building that Scarlett O’Hara fortress around your heart, thinking it will keep you from ever being hurt again.
Perhaps it will…but it will also keep you from truly loving anyone. In my book, it’s worth it to take down that wall and let a little love in, even if it means risking pain again.
One point I should make is:you have to be 100% healed from past pain before you can open up your heart to someone new. If you’re trying to rush into a new relationship so you don’t have to feel that old pain anymore, you’re not being fair to this new guy or yourself. If a new relationship has any hope of success, you must completely let go of past heartache and be open to a fresh start. No wall around your heart required.
10 Tips for How to Be Vulnerable with a Man
Learning how to be vulnerable with a man may take some time, so don’t expect overnight results. But if you’re putting in the work, you should see him doing the same, which can make it easier to continue to open up to him in new ways as your relationship evolves.
1. Share Your Feelings
Sharing feelings is the first step in learning how to be vulnerable with a man.
In the early days of a relationship, it can be daunting to tell your boyfriend how you feel…especially if you’re not sure those feelings are reciprocated. Ironically, the best way to move a relationship forward is to tell him how you feel!
When I’m worried about getting hurt by expressing myself, I ask myself: what’s the worst that can happen?
If you tell a guy you’re falling for him, what’s the worst that can happen? He could laugh in your face and run maniacally down the street…though I’m 99.9% certain that won’t happen. Maybe he won’t feel the same. Can you handle that? Everyone falls in love at a different pace, so don’t assume that him not saying he’s falling too means he never will.
And if you’re further into your relationship, you should continue to share how you feel. Let’s say he didn’t call for his nightly check-in with you, and you start to panic (this actually happened to me and my girlfriend a few years ago). The next day when he calls, your first instinct is to scream at him. How inconsiderate! How could he treat you like that?
But instead, you take a deep breath and tell him that you were worried. You were scared something had happened to him.
Which reaction do you think he’ll respond best to: being yelled at or you being honest that you were worried?
When you communicate how you feel rather than letting anger take center stage, you develop a really beautiful way to communicate with your partner.
2. Talk About Past Pains That Make Vulnerability Hard
While I certainly don’t want to tell you to constantly talk about past boyfriends, giving your current guy a little insight into the situations that have made you shy away from love and trust can be helpful in your relationship.
Telling him, for example, that your ex-husband cheated on you and that trust doesn’t come easily to you will help your new boyfriend understand that there are areas he may need to be especially sensitive about with you.
While you want to tell him about past experiences that make trust difficult, you also want to make sure you’re fully healed and don’t play the victim in your current relationship. Own your past experiences, but also let them go. I know; it’s hard. But this new guy didn’t make the mistakes. The old one did. Don’t punish your boyfriend for past heartbreak.
3. Pay Attention to His Behavior
You want him to show that he’s giving to you as much as you are him.
As you learn to be vulnerable with a man, you understandably want him to be vulnerable with you as well. So pay attention to what he’s communicating.
Is he sharing his feelings? Telling you about past experiences? Being open and honest? Really listening to you? These are all good signs that he’s being vulnerable with you.
If you’re not getting these things, it’s time to step back to decide whether or not he’s on the same page emotionally as you are or not. You don’t want to pour open your heart to a man that will never commit.
4. Always, Always Be Honest
You might worry what he’d think if he knew how you really felt about something, so you tell an occasional white lie. What’s the big deal?
It is a big deal, actually, because lying prevents you from learning how to be vulnerable with a man. You can’t be emotionally open if you’re keeping things from him. One tiny lie can snowball, and down the road, it could threaten your relationship.
Know that if this is really The One, there’s no truth you can say that he won’t be okay with.
5. Don’t Be Afraid to Speak Your Mind
Make sure you’re comfortable speaking your mind to him.
I know a lot of women who are afraid of conflict…so much so that they never tell their partners when something is bothering them.
If they are finally brave enough to bring it up, they’re often pleasantly surprised to realize that, instead of causing an argument, they had a really productive conversation with their mates instead.
So if something’s on your mind about your relationship (maybe it bothers you that he doesn’t call very often), find a way to bring it up without being accusatory. Tell him how this thing makes you feel, and focus on how the two of you can work on things to make them better.
6. Know Your Attachment Style
Each of us has a different attachment style, and understanding yours can impact how you become vulnerable in a relationship. For example, if your attachment style is anxious, you may want reassurance that your man feels the same as you by having him tell you he loves you, texting you throughout the day, or giving you physical touch. If you have an avoidant attachment style, opening up to him may be more challenging, so you need to figure out how to take down those barriers.
It can be helpful to have a conversation about attachment styles so you both know the best way to communicate feelings and emotions with the other person.
7. Ask for Help
Make yourself vulnerable by asking for help.
Another way you can learn how to be vulnerable with a man is to ask for help now and then. I get it; you’ve been single a while, and you don’t like feeling like you need a guy for anything, whether it’s killing a spider or being there for you when you’re going through hard times.
And yet, learning to lean on your romantic partner is a necessity.
Look at it like this: if he was having a hard time, you’d want him to ask you for help, right? So why can’t you do the same? True partnerships take turns being strong for one another. If you’re the one stressed about work, he should be the one to support you. If he loses a family member, you’ll be the strong one.
But you have to be willing to be vulnerable by letting him know you need his help.
If this is hard, start small! Ask him for help around the house (opening a jar, reaching something up high). Over time, try to lean on him more emotionally until it becomes second nature.
8. List Reasons You’re Afraid of Being Vulnerable
If you struggle with how to be vulnerable with a man, consider writing out the reasons you’re afraid. Your list might look something like this:
I’m afraid he won’t reciprocate my love.
I’m afraid of getting hurt again.
I’m afraid I can’t trust him.
I’m afraid I’ll look weak or needy.
Sometimes just the simple act of writing out our fears can help us overcome them. After making your list, see if you are as afraid of being vulnerable as you were before. No? Great. Start opening up slowly, seeing that it doesn’t hurt, then increase how open you are over time.
9. Get a Reality Check with Your Friends
Get your friend’s perspective on whether he’s giving as much as he gets.
For example: do they see him reciprocating your love and affection, or do they see it as one-sided? Do they see him going out of his way to do things for you, or do they consider him selfish?
Your friends love you and want what’s best for you, so if they aren’t seeing him returning what you’re giving, they’ll let you know before you make yourself too susceptible to getting hurt.
10. Do a Vulnerability Check-in Every So Often
More than likely, you’ll do the bulk of your work learning how to be vulnerable with a man at the start of your relationship, but it’s just as important to remain open and communicative about your feelings throughout your relationship. Over time, the normal ups and downs of your relationship may cause your vulnerability level to increase or decrease, depending on what’s going on.
Make sure you assess how open you’re being with your partner a few times a year to ensure that those walls are staying down around your heart, and that you’re still communicating how you feel about aspects of your relationship. It never hurts to check in to see how he’s feeling about things, too. You may both bring up small issues that could become bigger ones if you don’t address them, so be open to those fruitful conversations every few months.
Being in a relationship does mean that you take risks, but like anything, the more you risk, the greater the reward. Opening up your heart to the right guy can introduce you to unparalleled levels of love. All it takes is learning how to be vulnerable with a man.
While you might think that only insecure people are vulnerable, in fact, the opposite is true. When you are vulnerable, your insecurity disappears. Think about it: you tell your boyfriend something that’s been bothering you, and he is eager to make things better. What you were insecure about, you are now confident about because you’ve told him how you felt about it, and now he’s working to make sure you aren’t upset anymore.
Like I said: learning how to be vulnerable with a man doesn’t happen overnight. It takes work, and you have to face your fears. But once you do, your relationship has a real chance to blossom.
Are you ready for love? Join me on this free webinar to learn how to open your heart to a man and find true love.