How can you lose with L. Ron Hubbard and John Gotti? They go together like money and laundering! Quantities limited to stock on hand, which is to say we in Scientology have to unload 5,000,000 surplus copies of both.
“It’s not what it looks like,” said Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion. “The Brigadier General was merely helping COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige with a wardrobe malfunction.”
“That this was escalated into a morals charge of public lewdness and the arrest of both men by the authorities in Barbados is a disgrace!” roared Delusion.
“Big Pharma was clearly behind this attempt to embarrass the world’s greatest ecclesiastical leader as he was being awarded the Velveeta Cheese Company’s Medal for Ease of Spreadability in the religious products sold by we in Scientology.”
1. Prepay for your OT levels today and receive 250,000 free fake Twitter followers! You can be a theetie-wheetie dilettante public Scientologist with lots of fake followers just like Joy Villa or Stacy Francis!
You can use your fake followers to attack “that show” on “that network” by “her.”
2. If you’re an OT and you join staff you’ll receive 2,500,000 free fake Twitter followers! Imagine the impact you can have on Scientology’s fourth dynamic salvage campaigns with that many fake followers!
Incels — involuntarily celibates — are a subclass of male losers who lurk on the dark web. Women avoid incels for many reasons, but mostly because incels are racist, angry, dull, unattractive, women-hating misogynists who have no desirable qualities. The good news for incels is that Scientology can do something about it!
Scientology can even help George Ingram Insailes, the King of Incels.
As opposed to incels, there are Normies and Chads. According to Incel culture, normies are able to date women and have relationships whereas chads are super studs. Thanks to Scientology, Tom Cruise is a chad! In fact, Tom Cruise is Chad Thundercock, the King of Chads!
Tom Cruise is Scientology’s Chad Thundercock!
The good news is that Scientology can turn even the most pathetic incel into a Chad Thundercock.
The answer is to do Scientology’s Super Power Rundown at Flag Land Base in Clearwater, Florida.
“The new Scientology Danger Process calls for Scientologists to hang upside down for twelve hours over the 110 freeway in Downtown Los Angeles while suspended from a rope,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion.
“If the Scientologist weakens and loses their grip on the rope, he or she will plunge to the freeway below and be brutally crushed to death by the thousands of cars hurtling by at high speeds,” Delusion noted.
“During the initial launch of the Danger Process, the California Highway Patrol intervened and shut it down. In doing so, the CHP trampled on Scientology’s freedom of religion,” Delusion complained. “As a result, we in Scientology will be suing the CHP for five billion dollars. Scientologists have a right to practice their religion in whatever way we choose and wog governments be damned!”
The death-like quietude of Downtown Clearwater was shattered yesterday afternoon when a Wholetrack SP Psych Implanter was spotted seated on a park bench in a community park owned by we in the Church of Scientology!
This posed an immediate dire and deadly threat to all Scientology organizations and Scientologists globally! All of the resources of the Federal, State, and Local law enforcement — and the National Guard and FEMA — were ordered by OSA to be directed to handle this situation now now now! The United Nations was ordered to get involved!
The 2001 restraining order on this SP was in the red volume and was, as always, on standby. The Clearwater police were summoned. There was great enturbulation inside all Scientology organizations globally. Emergency telexes were sent to COB RTC, CMO INT, WDC INT, OSA INT, CO FLB, and even the ship was notified just in case. The Class V Orgs and Missions were not notified as one never rewards a downstat.
As the air raid sirens sounded across Flag Land Base, all public Scientologists at Flag were ordered off course. All Sea Org were ordered off post. All Scientologists were evacuated into the giant basement of the Flag Building. As Scientologists donned their full body condoms and respirators, the five meter thick steel blast doors of the basement were slammed shut thereby safely entombing them. The emergency generators were started.
Surely Mark Bunker’s appearance in our park signaled the imminent Marcab Mass Landing! Given this very real threat of marauding Marcabs, Sara Heller of OSA couldn’t possibly step outside into the daylight to confront and shatter suppression. The situation was far too dangerous.
The threat eventually passed and the death-like quietude of Downtown Clearwater that we in Scientology have worked for decades to cultivate was eventually restored.
Should an event of this extraordinary threat and danger recur, Flag Land Base will once again sound the air raid sirens! We would rather have Scientologists incapable than dead.
Have you ever wanted to be wealthy, violent, and insane cult leader? Well now the Pompadoured Pontiff David Miscavige teaches you all of his secrets in a new Master Class series. Here’s just a few of the secrets in David Miscavige’s Master Class:
* How easy it is to control Tom Cruise and other deluded celebrities
* How to purge everyone who threatens you
* The Whys and Wherefores of taking all the money for yourself
* Beating your subordinates for face crimes
* How to hide behind wog lawyers
* Locking up your wife made easy
Scientology Butthurt Cream is indicated for butthurt pain levels of 2.0 or higher. What are some examples of when a Scientologist needs to use Scientology Butthurt Cream? Below are three scenarios:
Scenario 1: Your new mobster movie just scored 0 on Rotten Tomatoes and you’re the laughingstock of Hollywood. That’s some serious butthurt pal! And it has a pain level of 2.0 or higher! What to do? Bend over and have your 2D apply Scientology Butthurt Cream liberally to soothe the burning and irritation.
Scenario 2: You’re a global ecclesiastical leader and the internet makes fun of your empty Ideal Orgs. This really chaps your ass! What to do? Bend over and have your COB Assistant apply Scientology Butthurt Cream liberally to soothe the burning and irritation caused by criminal joking & degrading.
Scenario 3: You’re the Executive Director of Scientology Moscow and the Org has just been raided again. This is big time butthurt for you and your entire staff. Time to breakout the Ideal Org Emergency Scientology Butthurt Staff Pack! The staff pack can treat up to 120 butthurt staff. Apply by twinning.
WTF? Where is everybody? The theatre is empty on the opening weekend of Gotti. This is the pic I slaved ten years to get on the screen! I betcha all of you Psychs & SP’s on the internet sabotaged it! Me and Kelly need to redo our Scientology PTS/SP course pronto!