Are you asking how to get over a breakup without closure? I know how hard this feels. I lived through it myself! Check out these simple suggestions that sped up my recovery and will help you too.
Surviving A Breakup
Breaking up is horrible. When the man you love ends your relationship unexpectedly it’s devastating. Sometimes you don’t even get a proper goodbye. Men have been known to break up with their women on social media, through Facebook messenger, and by text. That’s so COLD!
Even when you break things off, it’s still emotionally difficult.
First, you want to how to simply SURVIVE in the coming hours, days and weeks. And eventually, you’ll want to recover and heal so you can at some future point, find love again.
What’s the first step? Call a close friend and talk about it. Crawl under the covers. Get a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. Any or all of these ideas will help you deal with the initial shock of how to get over a breakup without closure.
The Story of My Breakup
When I was in my senior year of college, my boyfriend of three years and I broke up without one word. We had been out at a local bar and he got into a “mood”. He wanted to go home when the night was young. I was so tired of this, I gave him the keys to my car and told him I’d get a ride back to my apartment with friends.
When I got back, I told him to get his stuff together and I’d take him back to the dorm. He look at me surprised. I just acted all normal and chatty. When we got to his dorm, he took his stuff out of the car, looked back in through the door at me and said, “Goodbye?” with a question in his tone. I said goodbye and drove off.
We never spoke again! No break up conversation and no closure. The University of Connecticut had 17,000 students and we didn’t travel in the same circles so, I never even saw him again. We didn’t get in touch to discuss.
It wasn’t easy but, it wouldn’t have been any better if we talked about it. We both knew it was over, even if he was a surprised how it happened. He didn’t love me enough to treat me the way I wanted to be treated. Somehow I realized this wasn’t going to work even though he was the love of my life at the time.
I don’t recommend this, I’m just sharing how my big breakup went down.
7 Simple Strategies: How To Get Over A Breakup Without Closure
1. Closure Is A Myth
Most people think one thing that makes this process even harder is a lack of closure. The idea of closure is about fully understanding why the relationship ended so you feel satisfied. Really? Can you even begin to imagine such a place? I doubt it.
While many mental health practitioners and experts talk about gaining closure to heal from a breakup, there isn’t much clinical agreement to what closure is or exactly how you get it. Hmmm, now what are you supposed to do?
The shocking truth is, closure is a myth! And, the good news is you can and will heal without it. That’s a relief because in many cases there is no way to understand. Sometimes the reasons for a breakup remain a life-long mystery. Thankfully, you don’t need closure to shut the door on this part of your life and move on.
Instead of seeking closure, focus on ACCEPTANCE. Accepting where you are will bring you all the closure you actually need. You broke up and no the relationship is over. Not resisting this fact will make the healing faster and easier.
I stewed over my breakup for years wanting closer. 10 years later I finally figured out I didn’t need it! Looking back I could see breaking up was the only thing to do.
2. It’s OK To Grieve
The end of a relationship is a loss you feel deeply, which means it’s OK to grieve. This is a normal part of life and each person grieves differently, so take your time. The feelings of grief often come in waves and this is to be expected. Again, don’t resist because that just prolongs the intensity. Grief is something time does heal so get your box of tissues and have a good cry or two.
3. Don’t Nag Him To Talk About It
I know you think talking about this will help. If you could know what he’s thinking and why he broke up with you then you could accept it right? Or maybe you are holding out to change his mind be talking it over. Too bad that DOESN’T WORK. This is not how to get over a breakup without closure.
The more you nag him to talk about it, the meaner he’ll be. Or he’ll start to avoid you and block you. None of this will help. Even though this goes against your best instincts, LET GO of your need to talk about with him. You need space from him more than you need to hear this sound of his voice, look into his eyes, or get more explanations.
4. Limit Negativity
You might feel really angry at some point which is to be expected. It makes sense that a breakup will get under your skin and you may fantasy about retribution. However, getting back at him by doing or saying mean things will not actually help you heal. Often this promotes guilt, and when added to grief provides an extra emotional wallop you’d be better off avoiding.
Tempted as you may be to send nasty texts, leave ugly voicemails or post awful comments on Facebook, don’t do it. The regrets you suffer later overwhelm any short-term improvement in how you feel. Definitely not how to get over a breakup without closure.
I know of women who took drastic measures to get even like cutting his favorite leather jacket with scissors, keying his car or talking bad about him to friends and family. Ugliness never leaves a good taste in your mouth, nor can it change the breakup. It just makes you look crazy and that he was smart to leave you. Instead, choose dignity and take the high road.
I would also encourage you to manage your thoughts. Naturally you’ll think over every detail, looking for reasons or remembering good times. Negativity drags down your energy, making it that much harder to lift your spirits. So, if you can find a way to distract yourself to avoid an overdose of negativity, you will absolutely heal faster.
5. Distraction Is Your Best Friend
Whatever positive actions you can think of you can take your mind off the breakup, do them! This is a productive way to shift your focus and energy. It might not feel comfortable at first, but distraction can be a marvelous method to avoid over thinking and brooding which brings you down.
Start a new project
Do something creative
Learn something new
Visit or call a friend
Pray or listen to something spiritual (doesn’t have to be religious)
Set a new goal (other than love)
Then immerse yourself in these activities and channel that energy in these positive ways.
6. Increase Self Care
If you are the kind of woman who enjoys a little pampering, time to turn up the dial. More self care will sooth your soul and nourish your spirit. Whether you choose massage, Reiki or other energy work, mani-pedi, working out with a trainer, a new hair style or talking to a therapist, these methods ensure that you honor yourself and what you are going through.
You can turn to the plant kingdom for additional healing methods like aromatherapy with essential oils and Bach Flower Remedies. Both work on your emotions.
Epsom salts baths are inexpensive and have amazing healing properties. You can buy these salts at the drug store of less than $10 which provides enough for multiple baths. The salts draw out toxins and sooth your muscles.
7. Be Kind To Yourself
Some people have a tendency to beat themselves up, reviewing all the supposed mistakes you made that caused your man to leave. This is really cruel punishment at a time when you need to be extra kind to yourself. If you have a strong inner voice who deems you unworthy, please know that is not you true self.
Negative inner chatter is a learned behavior over time. It comes from parents, teachers, clergy and other authority figures, the media, siblings and people you look up to. The mean-spirited inner voice often says things you’d probably NEVER say out loud to another human being. So why put up with this way to treat yourself?
You’ve got to read Taming Your Gremlin, by Rick Carlson. This short book explains this inner voice and how to tame it. Super powerful, you’ll be really glad you got a copy if you beat yourself up often (and we ALL do it).
How To Get Over A Breakup Without Closure
So, no you know how to get over a breakup without closure. The fact is you don’t need closure at all and it’s mostly a myth. With seven soothing and empowering strategies to recover, you’ll be back on your feet soon and feeling better.
Zen mind and dating is for women who are spiritually-minded and seeking lasting love. This approach to helps you see dating in a new light and open your heart and mind to opportunities to find “The One”.
Mindset Lessons from Nature
This is one of my favorite times of the year when the trees are covered with pink or white flowers. That’s one reason I wanted to marry in early May (my wedding anniversary is on May 5th).
That spring when I was dating to find love, I noticed something I had never seen before. When the bright green buds come out on maple trees, I had always thought they were simply new leaves. For some reason, that year I decided to investigate and look more closely. Turns out I was WRONG!
Those vivid green buds are flowers! Yes, flowers. Sprays of tiny lime-green blossoms cover the branches of maple trees, and for years I mistook them for new leaves.
These little flowers precede the flat seed pods that twirl like little helicopters in the wind. Honestly, I was astonished I never noticed this before.
So right now you’re probably thinking, “Really Ronnie, who cares?” OK, fair question but, please let me enlighten you.
How New Discoveries Impact Your Love Life
This minor discovery lead me to ask myself a life-changing question: “What will I discover this spring that I never noticed before about dating? How about you? Are you open to learning something new that will positively impact your experience and success?”
A previous student of Zen meditation, this felt a lot like what they refer to as “beginner’s mind”. With beginner’s mind, you approach every experience with a clean slate to make room for fresh insights and new experiences. You let go of expectations.
Does Your History Shade Each Man You Meet?
It’s only natural to have romantic history if you are dating over 40. The question is how much does your history affect your interactions with the new men you meet?
You still carry the hurt from the last guy who stood you up, broke up with you, or cheated on you. These disappointing and heartbreaking events can weigh you down when it comes to having an optimistic attitude about your chances to find love.
As a result, sometimes you feel suspicious of each new man based on how the last few behaved. You might actually expect all men will let you down.
While it’s wise to date with your eyes wide open, should you suspect each man of being like the one before? How would you feel if every man you dated JUDGED YOU by his last woman?
Zen Mind and Dating
Imagine if you will, meeting each new man with a clean dating slate. If you approach dating in Zen style, what novel opportunities become available to you? One thing is for sure, this will help you take the pressure off each new man you meet and any new methods to meet men.
Even better, when you start each date with a clean slate, you won’t drag as much baggage around with you. Everyone has history – no shame in that. Yet, it can be a limiting at times if you don’t put it down at some point.
Your heart can’t be open when you carry baggage. That’s the best of Zen mind and dating.
Clear Your Mind Before Engaging
Before you message someone on Match or Bumble, take a few deep breaths, clear your mind, and start fresh. Same thing goes for walking into a singles’ event. Let go of thoughts that hold you back or no longer serve you even if just for a short time.
Drop your expectations. Leave behind the baggage of disappointment and hurt behind, and release negative thoughts that bring you down.
Lighten up and remember you are a great catch. Feel good about yourself and your chances to find love. This is essential to how men will feel about you when they meet you.
So much of dating is about how you feel and present yourself! If you expect the “same old same old” nothing will ever change. How can it?
Shift to a More Positive Outlook
Instead, approach dating as if you are optimistic about finding love with the right man. He IS out there you know. This is a perfect way to apply Zen mind and dating.
Act like someone who is just new on the singles’ scene or still believes these methods will help you meet “The One”. This approach will absolutely INCREASE YOUR ENJOYMENT and improve your odds for connecting too. Positive, open-minded people are highly attractive and everyone is magnetically drawn to them!
Wipe the Slate Clean
Each new man deserves a real chance for you to get to know him. You never know. And, when you are open, you can be pleasantly surprised.
It’s springtime and love is in the air. The season is about rebirth and regeneration. Apply this to your dating activities and mindset and be open to MANifest your own true love.
Did he ever like me? Did he ever care? These are difficult questions often asked by women tempted by long distance relationships. Let me shed some light to help you understand what happens.
I Thought He Cared About Me
“Dear Love Coach Ronnie,
I met a guy last year online, but we never met. We then kept in touch sporadically, and then I knew at end January I would be in his town in July (US/UK) When I told him that, things escalated and he came to visit. We had spoken every day prior to his visit which was 8 weeks.
He does have a lot going on in his life right now. Newly divorced because his wife cheated on him, his job is not 100% settled and he is moving apartments.
His visit was wonderful (we did get intimate). But, he said, “My life is really complicated and this is complicated, and I cannot adding anything else” when he was here for only 2 of the 4 days. He seemed very attracted to me and was very affectionate.In his thank you text he said I made the visit “outstanding and very very special” and he was surprised how well we got along.
He texted once after he got back (pretty coldly) and I responded, and he had disappeared except for liking one of my Instagram posts.
Why was he so nice? Did he ever like me? Did I scare him away somehow? Why does he not even want to be friends? I have not reached out, but I feel really sad. I also do not plan to when I am there in a few months.
Thanks for your help,
So Sad in Seaside
Did He Ever Care?
Long distance relationships have many pitfalls and unfortunately you just experienced several at the same time. Sorry to hear about your broken heart and how sad you feel.
Let me answer your main question first – did he ever like me? Yes, I’m sure he did like you and care. Why would he fly to see you if he couldn’t stand you? And I”m sure he enjoyed your company. However, that is NOT enough to sustain lasting love, never mind a long distance relationship.
What do I mean? There are so many factors in this situation that lead to this disappointing ending.
Don’t Date Recently Divorced Men
He got divorced due to his wife being unfaithful. Ouch! Cheating leaves deep wounds. So, this guy needs healing. He wants to feel good about himself again and reassure himself that he’s still got game with women.
Then you two connect. You tell him you will be near him in July which showed real interest so, he probably thought how fun and EASY it would be to visit you. Anyone with a drop of romance can relate to this idea.
That means you were like a special salve to mend his broken heart. I’m sure he didn’t mean to break your heart in the process. On the other hand he was thinking only of himself, not you.
Women aren’t the only ones who enjoy romance. And what is more fun that a quick vacation for a romantic fling? Sometimes people meet at a vacation destination or they visit each other. Either way, when a long-distance guy comes to visit, this is not a “lock” that he’s serious about you.
Keep in mind a romantic fling can absolutely recharge your love life. If you’ve been without love for a long time, a fling can be a great wake up call to renew desire and motivate you to start mingling. Just don’t count on it turning into lasting love.
Why Was He So Nice?
Why wouldn’t he be nice? He wanted to enjoy himself and your company and being nice made the whole visit pleasant. I bet it was outstanding and just what his ego and heart needed. Even if he knew he’d never see you again, he probably is a nice guy. This was selfish, using you to recover from his wife’s cheating and pump up his confidence that he’s still “got it” with women.
Understanding Men and “Man Speake”
When a man says, “My life is really complicated…” what he’s really saying is I can’t be in a relationship right now. He just got divorced, his job is unstable and he’s in the middle of moving. When a man is in transition or his life is totally up in the air, he can’t think long-term.
Most guys need solid ground and stability before looking for a serious relationship. This stems from their drive to be a good provider which is coded into their DNA. Next time you are getting to know a new guy and he tells you things that indicate his life is unsettled, WALK AWAY. No matter how great a guy he is, he is not relationship ready.
Don’t hang out to see what happens and help him heal and regain stability. He might accept your help, but 99% of men then leave once they feel better to find a new woman. Why? Because looking at you reminds them of when they were weak so, they move on.
Long Distance Relationships Rarely Work
If I could get one message out to every single woman, I would say, don’t get sucked into long distance relationships. They almost never work! There is way too much stress related to not being able to see each other and local temptations. It’s so easy to have countless reasons why you just can’t get together.
If the distance is temporary (someone moves away for six months with plans to return), that’s a different story. However, if you meet a guy online from several states away or in another country, your love is DOOMED. RESIST LDRs!
Did He Ever Like Me?
I think this guy did like you but, now you can see that is not the right question. Instead what you want to think about before getting involved is:
Does he have potential for lasting love?
Is his life stable?
Was he divorced at least one year ago?
Did he said he doesn’t want anything serious, isn’t looking for a relationship, is too busy, his life is complicated, his ex is crazy, etc.
These are all Big Red Flags that you want to pay attention to and when they start to add up, go look for a better candidate.
Date with Your Head and Heart
This is how you date smart – by using your head versus relying on your heart and what FEELS good. That works in the movies, not in real life. In real life, your heart alone will get you into trouble. Be true to yourself and your desire for lasting love and don’t get side-tracked by those romantic long distance dreams.
How to stay positive while dating is a challenge countless women deal with. It’s not easy. But this fun analogy about shoe shopping will surely help!
Men and Shoes – An Unlikely Pair
I know this sounds like a crazy idea, but hang in there while I explain to you why dating is like shoe shopping.
I had lunch with my friend Fern this week. She’s a skilled hypnotherapist, quite a character and tells a great story. Of course, the subject turned to dating (I never stop) and she shared this idea from a great article she wrote years ago.
This thought-provoking comparison is really good! And my hope is that it’s one of the best ways of how to stay positive about dating.
Why Dating Is Like Shoe Shopping
When you go out shoe shopping, maybe to Macy’s or DSW, you walk around looking at everything on display. You might need a basic black heel, but that never keeps you from trying on all sorts of shoes right?
Shoe shopping is such a unique experience because just about everybody can wear great shoes. Stylish, designer, funky, comfy or practical. There are so many options!
You gather up the shoes you want to try on and imagine how they’ll look when the sales person goes off to find your size. You wait with great anticipation. Returning with an armload of boxes, the fun begins.
When the Shoe Doesn’t Fit
Sometimes the pair you want most, the super hot, stylish shoe with a fabulous heel and wonderful detail, doesn’t fit! It hits you in the wrong spot, is too tight, or doesn’t have enough support. Whatever the issue is, your dreams of this perfect shoe that is so adorable are completely dashed.
Does that keep you from trying on the next pair? No way! On to the next! And the next. I’ve been shopping sometimes and have tried on eight pairs or more. All sorts of crazy, fun shoes with heels too high, or flats I’d never wear but, are so adorable.
That’s part of the fun isn’t it? Pushing yourself to new limits? Imagining what a shoe would go with in your closet. Or being willing to build an entire outfit around a shoe that doesn’t go with anything in your closet. But you love it so what the heck!
On occasion. you find a shoe that’s like a fairy tale. It’s gorgeous and comfortable. You don’t ever want to take them off. You feel sexy and imagine how you’ll look walking into the party or restaurant wearing those heels. You’ll wear them for years – you are so sure.
When a Man Let’s You Down
Say you meet an amazing man. He is so handsome, charming and smart. You go out on a couple of dates, but sadly discover he can’t seem to talk about anything but himself. He barely asks you even one question.
How could a man who seems so good “on paper” be so wrong? He’s sure not the good fit you dream of. He is like those designer shoes you really hoped would fit. Too bad they felt like cardboard.
Does that stop you from looking for more shoes? Never! Onward to the next retail outlet. Even if you’re shopping on Zappos and return every pair, you are most likely to visit the website again and buy another pair right?
Why Do You Give Up on Men, But Not Shoes?
Why, when you meet a man who doesn’t work out, do you immediately want to give up?
Have you ever bought a pair of shoes that felt good in the store, but after wearing them for a while your back or feet hurt? Or both? It’s a major bummer. You sunk some hard-earned cash into those shoes. Your hopes of looking totally hot crumble and you feel crushed, it’s true.
Does that keep you from looking for more shoes? Does it prevent you from staying positive about shoes? Nope, no way. Before you know it, you are back in the market, optimistically seeking a new pair to replace them.
Negativity about Men
But, if you go on three dates or see a guy for three months and things don’t work out, you want to give up. Maybe you think all men stink so why bother? There are no good men out there anyway. Or you insist, “Never Again!”
That’s why Fern’s analogy is a pretty good, even if it is rather unconventional and surprising. She makes an excellent point and this could very well be the answer to how to stay positive about dating and finding love.
Don’t Give Up – Look for a Replacement!
When your favorite shoes let you down, you look for a replacement. You don’t get downtrodden, insist shoes have let you down, and decide to forgo new shoes for the rest of your natural born life.
Now I realize shoes are not men or love. (Well that’s not exactly true about the love part.) But, you can learn an important lesson about dating from your relationship with shoes.
How to Stay Positive about Dating
Here’s an important lesson about love from your shoes. Looks and style can be deceiving. When your shoes disappoint you because they wear out quickly or aren’t as comfortable as you thought, its a bummer. But, not crippling. Why is that?
I think it’s because you know there are MORE shoes to be tried on until you find the right fit and style. Or at worst, there will be a new season and styles will change. That’s the basis of how to stay positive about shoes right? Trouble is, you don’t feel this way about men.
There Are More Men!
Just because one man doesn’t work out, disappears or breaks your heart, doesn’t mean you should swear off all men. There are more where he came from if you would only go look. Sure, take time to get over it and heal. However, do not let it roll into many long months or years. (Like the 18 years I wasted from 22-40, yes, my entire youth.)
No one enjoys getting heartbroken by amazing shoes or a love interest. But, you can and will recover and you can find another. If you have a bad date, shake it off. If you have a bad three month relationship and the guy ghosts on you, shake that off too.
Don’t give away your hopes of love andyour power to take charge of your life, to the man who let you down. When you quit, he wins! This is why you want to learn how to stay positive about dating – to try again!
I Want You to Win at Love
I want you to find love. You deserve love. I’m a firm believer that love is your destiny. Women fall in love every day. You can too if you…don’t give up.
Keep going. Get a new pair of shoes and pump yourself up. Build your confidence. Find some optimism. Come up ideas on how to stay positive and active. Renew your conviction and commitment to find love. That’s what it takes and it’s WORTH IT.
Then go look for the man who will look great on your arm while wearing those hot shoes.
You ask how long should I wait for him to call me? What is the right amount of time to give a man to text or call who has stopped reaching out to you? Find out what works below.
What To Do When He Stops Contacting You
“Hi Dating and Love Coach Ronnie,
I met this guy in March when I was out with friends. We hit it off instantly and I gave him my number. He didn’t use it right away. See I’m divorced and so is he, but neither of us are looking for anything serious. We met on a Saturday night and he didn’t reach out until I texted him Wednesday. Was that the wrong move for me to make?
We ended up going out on a Friday and hit it off. But, so far he has been very inconsistent. I’m always initiating contact and have seen him two more times but only if I make the first move.
Honestly, having to make the moves is driving me crazy. I asked if he really likes me and he said yes. But, he’s so inconsistent I’m getting turned off. The last time I saw him he said his daughter would be in town so I haven’t bothered him and it’s been 5 days with no contact.
For some reason I feel he’s not that interested. Should keep texting him? I feel I should sit back and see if he texts but how long should I wait for him to call or text before I move on?
Waiting in Wellington”
I sense some confusion about different dating topics from your question so I will answer them one-by-one.
6 Dating Questions Answered
1.Nothing Serious – Let me start with how you say you aren’t looking for anything serious. I’m sorry to disagree but I think you do want more.
When a person says they aren’t looking for anything serious, this usually means something casual without commitment. But you want his attention and reach out to make it happen. That is NOT the action of a woman avoiding anything serious. You want to see him on a regular basis and that is not casual.
Be honest with yourself. You might not want to get married, but seems to me you do want to see a man on a regular basis.
2. Texting First – Is it wrong to text a man first? Not really. The point of dating is to observe a man’s behavior. He didn’t ask you out until you texted first. That is a piece of information to notice because it is consistent with his other later actions where you took the lead. How long should you wait for him to text you first? A week maybe but then you can decide if it’s worth texting him.
3. Making the Moves – I get that you are tired of making the first move. So, I’m curious – why do you keep doing it? When a man doesn’t step up to pursue you, he’s letting you know he is a beta man who will never step up and rather follow your lead. Or he’s not that interested. The latter seems to be true.
His inconsistency drives you crazy but you are the one keeping this thing going. You might want to read about the Ballroom Dancing Principle of Dating which explains why it’s so much better to let the man lead for the first phase of dating.
4. Asking Him If He Likes You – Think about it. If you ask a man this direct question, can you really imagine him saying, “No I don’t really like you that much.” There’s no good way to answer that question without just saying “yes” even if it’s not true.
Like I said above, to know how interested a man is, you watch what he DOES. Does he call you at least once a week, text every few days and take you on at least one date a week? Not this guy – you are doing all the work and he is coming along for the ride.
Just because a man responds to your texts or requests to get together, doesn’t mean he’s really interested. He might be lonely, bored or have nothing else to do. You might be a place a holder -good enough for now until a better woman comes along. But it sure doesn’t indicate he’s really into you. If he was – he would PURSUE YOU.
5. You Don’t Think He’s Interested – Good call! You are right about that and instinctively you know this. Now, next time this happens with a guy, you’ll know better than to keep trying to make it work.
If you are trying to figure out how interested a man really is, stop reaching out to him! That’s the only way to learn if he’s not really interested. Don’t do all the work – that’s will never turn into satisfying love. Let him go and look for a man who is interested and shows you that.
6. It’s Been 5 Days! – How interested can a man be if he hasn’t contacted you in five days? That’s another sign he’s not into you enough.
How Long Should I Wait for Him to Call?
I would think after a week of not reaching out and not hearing from him, he is not the right man for you. Who wants a guy that can be so detached? Not you I hope. No excuses are valid. Not you of town guests, work, or even health will do. If a man is interested, he will stay in touch, not go silent or disappear.
Letting You Down Easy
A lot of men hate to be the bearer of bad news. So they resist telling you they aren’t really interested. Instead, they are passive and hope you get fed up and go away. So, while I appreciate your tenacious nature, it’s working against you here.
You Get One Shot
I understand it’s hard to wait around to see what a man will do. So, you get one chance to reach out to a guy who hasn’t started seeing you or one shot at contacting him after he stops connecting. More than that and you are at risk of keeping things alive and stressing yourself out. Don’t do it.
The final word on how long should I wait for him to call before moving on is that you’ve already done more than you share. Stop contacting him and move on. There’s a better man out there who wants to spend time with you. Free yourself up so he can find you.
Asking why won’t he commit? If you’re dating a separated man, there are plenty of reasons why your relationship may be doomed. This post answers a reader’s question, explaining why dating a separated man is such a problem.
He Won’t Commit to a Relationship with Me
Dear Love Coach Ronnie,
I’ve been in a relationship with a separated man for 8 months. I’m 34 and he is 46. He is separated from his ex wife now for a little over a year and he’s confused. He wants a woman in his life and is even open to marry again. On the other hand he tells me he’s scared.
Even though he’s not ready to commit, he says we have a committed, serious relationship and agrees not to date others. But he doesn’t want to emotionally commit to me. I mean he probably can’t.
I didn’t meet his children yet, we are putting this for the future to see how things go. I’m pretty much aware of the dangers of this sort of relationship. I’m thinking of staying maybe another year since I’m finishing school right now with another year till I graduate. So, I’m pretty busy and don’t really have time to date other men right now.
He tells me he won’t need more then a year to heal but, I’m not sure I believe him since he was married for 22 years. I don’t like the feeling that he is giving me only crumbs, because he’s not willing to commit.
It’s so confusing since he calls me every day and says he is afraid of losing me.
Do you think I should wait another year? Should I give him an ultimatum – that if you won’t commit to me I’ll leave him? He is willing to finalize his divorce in the near future and knows that is bothering me.
Thank you for your advice!
Confused in California
Why Won’t He Commit to Me?
There are a number of things going on. Some are about dating a separated man and others are about you. I’m going to talk about them one at a time so you can unravel everything and hopefully, see the big picture.
Signs He Won’t Commit
He’s Not Divorced – When you date a man who is separated, he is not single or divorced – he’s still married. I’m not getting moral here. The problem is, he’s still legally and emotionally attached to his wife. Is he working on his divorce and does he have a settlement date? Did they only separate or did he file for divorce?
He’s Not Healed – How can this man be healed when he has not completed the divorce process? He says he’ll be healed in a year but, that’s nonsense. Who can say when their healing will be complete. He might HOPE for emotional healing in a year but, a lot depends on when his divorce is final. Experts agree people should wait a year before dating anyone seriously or expecting to commit.
He’s Scared – It’s natural to be scared of getting hurt again. The truth is the man is unavailable emotionally because his divorce is not final. That’s why he’s not ready to commit and you can’t really expect that of him. At least this is honest.
He Can’t Commit Emotionally – I find it interesting that he says he is committed to you and exclusive. Yet, you say, “He won’t commit to a relationship me.” He cannot be both at the same time which tells you he’s not committed.
He Didn’t Introduce You to His Kids – This is a HUGE sign a man won’t commit! It’s been eight months, not two, so if he really thought you’d be in his future, meeting his kids would be OK. He separates you from family members or close friends, keeping you out of the rest of his life. This is ALWAYS a bad sign for a committed relationship.
Are You Committed to Love?
Now let’s talk about what is going on with you because I’m wondering how committed you are to finding lasting love. I mean no offense by this, just want to point out your own possible conflicts.
“Relationship Crumbs” – I hear you! No one likes not being a priority or a man who withholds love and commitment. You feel cheated out of a full loving relationship. Sorry to say, this is what you can expect from dating a separated man. You said you know the dangers, yet here you are. Maybe its time to allow your discomfort to indicate you are running astray of your own love goal.
No Time to Date – If you do not have time to date, you do not have time for a relationship. A healthy, loving relationship can often take MORE time than trying to meet someone. And school is often the IDEAL place to meet men. So, my question is, is this a relationship of convenience, since you don’t have time to date?
A lot of women tell me they don’t have time to date which is why they are with the wrong man. Women do this for the sake of HAVING a man when they don’t have time to find the RIGHT MAN. However, being with the wrong man takes a big toll on your self esteem and emotional life.
You are responsible for deciding if you rather stay with the wrong man and how worthwhile this is to you. Just get clear about what you are doing because you could be SETTLING for the sake of convenience. You ask why won’t he commit, but I’m wondering why aren’t you committed to finding the right man?
You Don’t Believe Him
Willing to Wait – Since you’re a student, you are willing to wait a year to see what happens. On the other hand, you also said you don’t believe him when he says he needs a year to heal – you think he’ll need more. I get it – you like him and this relationship is GOOD ENOUGH FOR NOW. It serves you to some degree. What’s another year?
The problem is, you’ll be even more emotionally invested a year from now, making it HARDER to leave. At 34, this is prime time for your baby bio-clock to start ticking. If you hope to have children soon, think twice about staying with this guy. He might not want more kids even if he decides to finally commit to you.
He Won’t Commit – When to Move On
My dating advice for you is to decide on the wisdom of staying in this relationship. Since he’s not divorced, not healed, and won’t commit, I’m not sure how this is in your best interest long term. You wonder why he won’t commit, but he’s not really in the position to give you what you want.
Do you feel stuck with him since you don’t have time to find a better man? My bet is you might like having this relationship to create balance with your studies, so you’ll stick with it until you finish school. That’s not the worst choice. Just be honest about what you are doing, so hopefully, you won’t be heartbroken when you graduate and finally leave him.
What would it be like to have an expert to answer your dating questions privately? Let’s talk about how coaching can help you. Just fill out the application and schedule your free consult online today.
Women ask, “How can I get him interested in me?” I’ve discovered four basic strategies most women rely on, but in truth, only one works well to grab a man’s attention and get him interested.
How to Keep a Guy Wanting More
Single women take a variety of approaches to meeting a new man for the first time. In my 16 years as a dating and love coach for women, four basic strategies stand out. I’m sure there are more but, these will cover how the majority of women think about that important first encounter.
Let me explain each strategy, so you can figure out which one seems closest to what you do. And then, discover which one works if you are serious about finding love with the right man.
The Nice Girl
If you’re just nice, you’ll listen intently and add a little of yourself here and there. You’ll smile, nod, and laugh when appropriate. You tend to be a people pleaser and this is your strategy for meeting new men too. You figure you can’t lose when you are nice. But, is nice irresistible?
Nice might get you a passing grade, (Well, she was nice…) but it will not capture his attention, nor keep it. Unfortunately, there is no challenge to nice, no spice, and NO MYSTERY. This is not how to get him thinking about you or curious what makes you tick. Showing more of your real personality – the good stuff, is important to get and keep a man’s attention.
The Tough Investigator
You don’t simply meet a new man, you INVESTIGATE HIM. Your girlfriends think you should have been a private eye. That’s because every man must pass your test. It starts with Googling him, maybe the Stud or Dud App or TinEye to see if he is who he says he is and if he’s married, has a record etc. No man is going to pull the wool over your eyes.
After this first round which he knows nothing about, you have a series of questions you need answers to before you’ll consider dating him. He’s got to pass muster and it’s a vigorous process. You take pride in your own brand of interrogation to see how he handles the pressure.
Even if you’re tactics might be more subtle, you still want to know up front:
Why he got divorced
How long it’s been since his divorce was final
Does he want to marry again
Will he have more children
Is he looking for a committed relationship
You don’t want to waste any time with the wrong man and feel completely justified to qualify men in this manner.
Unfortunately, this strategy won’t make you irresistible. More likely, it will keep you single because there’s no mystery here. He’ll get defensive and know at least one man has done you wrong and that you do not trust men. Your underlying anger reveals all he needs to know and eliminates his desire for more.
When you start from a place that every man needs a good grilling before he is deemed worthy, you send vibes of massive distrust. Not so attractive and definitely not a fun date.
The “I’m Going to Be Myself” Woman
Your strategy is a bit different. You show up relaxed and ready to be yourself. That sounds like it should work really well. What could possibly go wrong when you are yourself? Let’s dig a little deeper.
You might show up for a date right after work without changing your clothes or more importantly, your mindset. You are friendly and talk to people all the time so, this new guy is just one more person to meet. No biggie right? Trouble is warm and friendly are good, but not irresistible.
When I was single and looking I talked to every body. I still do. But I was using my friendly approach without any feminine charisma. I didn’t dates this way.
If you’re wondering how can I get him interested in me, being friendly is only a start. Friendly is sort of like nice.
And that leads me to the fourth and winning approach…
The Feminine Charmer
Comfortable around men, you know how to talk to them and you feel desirable around them. You’re curious if the guy will meet your basic criteria. Yet, you want to enjoy that coffee or glass of wine with him just see if you click.
You are flirty friendly with a new man, tapping into your feminine charm which triggers his masculine nature. This subtle difference to simple friendliness creates the needed mystery and draws him in to want to know MORE.
If he asks tough questions like, “Why are you still single?, you respond first with a smile or little laugh. Then you give him one of your typical feminine charmer answers. “Well, most men aren’t like you.” Or, “I’ve only dreamt about men like you.” This turns the tables on him, derails his own interrogation, and puts you in the dating driver’s seat.
You know these little quips are disarming to a man and you flash him your best flirty, mischievous grin with a twinkle in your eye. You can do that because you rely on your feminine charm for all it’s worth, which is actually quite a lot.
Once disarmed or thrown off course, he’s super curious. He’s drawn in and wants to know what makes you tick. You are a mystery he finds more irresistible than the average nice, friendly woman. ou know you don’t need to answer every question fully so he is left wondering about you.
Show Off Your Flirty Confidence
When you relax and learn to enjoy meeting men, you will come across as confident and comfortable in your own skin. This puts a man at ease which makes you far more irresistible. You’ll make him curious about you and have an air of intrigue.
This is the female version of the “Bad Boy”. A confident woman doesn’t get all flustered by a man. She knows how to deflect hard questions, ask him questions that bring out his passion vs. defenses, and turn the conversation around to her advantage.
This approach come from a place of feminine confidence, not a masculine “don’t mess with me” place. Can you see the difference? You don’t need to challenge a man when you can play with him. That’s what flirting is – creative, spontaneous and playful!
This is the ONE THING that will make all the difference when you are out meeting men or on a first date. Flirty, confident and feminine charm are the keys to enjoying men.
Can you imagine the benefits of relaxing into your femininity and becoming more playful? It would change dating forever and help you find the love of a good man faster!
How Can I Get Him Interested in Me?
Give this a shot, but know you might not get it right the first time. That’s OK – its can take a bit of practice. The point is not to care so much about any one man or date. Take the pressure off, just meet men and learn to enjoy it.
This way, there’s nothing to mess up or ruin. When you are playful and relaxed, you’ll automatically be more confident. You’ll be more mysterious and desirable too, drawing him in and making him curious. This is how you separate yourself from MOST OTHER WOMEN. Give yourself this chance.
The more fun you have, the more likely you are to get out and meet men. Why not try it tonight?
Become the irresistible woman who lurks beneath the surface of your own skin. She’s in there – unleash the ties that bind her and let her lose on the world. You’ll have the best time you’ve ever had!
Want more proven strategies about “how can I get him interested in me?” Check out Flirt School with practical, easy tips any woman can use to improve your flirty ways and become practically irresistible to men.
Why did he ask me out then cancel? If you find this kind of male behavior confusing, read on to get the insights you need.
He Asked Me Out Then Cancels Our Date
“Hi Dating Coach Ronnie,
This guys who works down the street keeps telling me I look great whenever he walks by. Then we talk maybe 2-5 minutes. Once he said he will cook me a meal at his place sometime and I said that would be lovely.
The other day he came over and asked me to have a few drinks later. I said sure. At the end of my work day, he came by and said he’s heading home to shower and will call me. I went home to get ready and got all dolled up, feeling so excited.
Next thing you know, I get a text asking if I’d eaten dinner. He said he’s tired and felt like we should do a movie and takeaway at his place. This is my ideal, perfect, comfy date but, because I don’t know him well, I said lets just do a few drinks and see.
He asked where and I texted a place, then didn’t hear back so, I called. He sounded hesitant, said he was super tired and didn’t feel like having a big night. I felt really disheartened but, calmly said not a problem, let’s cancel.
Two days later I saw him and he said he was really sorry about how the night went but he was still feeling tired. Really? I’m so confused what do I make of it? Please can you let me know whats going on in his mind. Why did he ask me out then cancel?
If A Guy Cancels Plans Last Minute
Why did he ask me out then cancel is a question on the mind of many single women. I know this is confusing and disappointing. Especially after you got “all dolled up”. The anticipation of a fun night out is sometimes more than half the fun!
The good news is you shared a couple of important clues that help me gain insight into what he might have possibly been thinking. Once you understand this sort of thing, you’ll be able to easily spot it yourself and won’t get confused. You’ll KNOW what is going on and will be able to walk away more easily with this understanding.
This isn’t the reason why all men cancel at the last minute, but I’m pretty sure I’m going to reveal why THIS GUY cancelled.
Clue #1 -He Was Flirting with You
Some people just enjoy flirting. He saw you as an attractive woman and told you so. This made you smile and pay attention to him, so every one is happy. The only problem is that sometimes people misunderstand flirting since it actually doesn’t mean anything. It is fun and feels good. That doesn’t automatically mean someone who flirts with you wants to get serious or start dating you.
In the future, when a man flirts with you, go ahead and ENJOY IT! Just know while this exchange is fun and builds you up, it probably will NOT lead to anything more. And be OK with that. In fact, I encourage my clients to flirt and enjoy it because it makes you more attractive to all men. Flirting is good practice and healthy fun.
The trouble comes when you start expecting a man to take that next step. This does happen on occasion, yet more often, a man who flirts with you for weeks or months is simply enjoying the view. He likes talking to pretty women but, isn’t going to ask you out.
Clue #2 -Dinner at His House
When a man says he’d like to cook you dinner, that’s code or “man language”. Here’s what he’s really saying, “I’d like to get you into my bed. Will you come to my house?” This guy was testing the waters with you when he suggested this and you thought it sounded like a good idea. I get why – it’s nice when someone else cooks a meal!
I learned this lesson the hard way while I was dating. When I was 40, I was fixed up by a friend and met a man who was 52. I thought older men would behave differently than the younger men of my youth. When he invited me to have dinner at his house for our second date, I thought that sounded great too!
He made a lovely meal and we had an enjoyable conversation. As soon as the food was gone, he suggested sitting on the couch. I got a bit nervous so, I pulled the big coffee table book onto my lap and looked at each page really slowly. Eventually, I was done and he put the book back on the coffee table. Then he literally said, “OK come on already!” and started kissing me passionately.
I went with it for about 10 minutes, then decided to cut the date short. Standing up abruptly I said, “Thanks for dinner. I have to go now,” and walked out the door. No way was I going to be his “dessert”.
Cozy Dates at Home Lead to the Bedroom
Now you know when a man you’ve never been out with suggests take out and a movie, at his house or yours, he wants to get you into bed. Nothing really wrong with that if you are the kind of woman who doesn’t bond after sex, have expectations or think it means something.
However, if you are looking for lasting love, avoid movies at home for at least 5-6 dates. By then, you’ll have seen if he is pursuing you consistently (like weekly dates or more) to get to know you and show he is more serious than other men. Stay outside the home until you are ready for intimacy, because once you’re on the couch, saying no is much harder.
The smart strategy is to put off that cozy sixth date to discover if a man is genuinely interested or just wants a roll in the hay. Even though it sounds like the perfect date, GO OUT instead.
Why Did He Ask Me Out Then Cancel?
Still wondering why he cancelled last minute like that? He was too tired to go out with you because he really just wanted a horizontal date, i.e. to sleep with you. Since you suggested drinks instead, he wasn’t too motivated. And he might not ask again. If sleeping with you was gong to be easy, he was up for it. But, he doesn’t want to DATE YOU to have sex.
So, now you know. Why did he ask me out then cancel? He wasn’t serious about you in the first place. Don’t expect anything from this guy. He’s still too tired days later. Hope this helps you with understanding men a bit better.
If you want to find a loving relationship, go mingle and you’ll discover plenty of other men out there. Get on the Dating Sites or try Dating Apps like Bumble to meet men. People fall in love every day and I’m quite sure that means you too.
Do you rush into relationships only to be devastated when it ends as quickly as it began? Here are seven smart reasons to NOT lean in and take your time instead.
Why Rushing into a Relationship Leads to Heartbreak
No one wants to date. Well certainly most single women looking for love don’t want to. One of the first things out a potential new client’s mouth is how she wants to meet the right man and would rather avoid dating.
Okay, I get it. You think dating is not fun. That’s why you rather get on with the relationship piece. That’s what you are looking forward to. Trouble is, how can you get into relationship without DATING? Dating is inescapable if you want to find love with the right man. It’s like a right of passage. There’s no way to find “The One” without sampling some of the available single men.
Desire for an Instant Relationship
The desire for an instant relationship is very strong among women over 40. When you click with a man, you want to over forward with things as quickly as possible. It’s like you are standing at the starting gate of a race, waiting for the flog to come down while repeating the mantra, “OK, let’s go!”
Truth is, I felt this exact same way myself when I was 40, still single and decided to finally DO SOMETHING about it. I told my friends I didn’t want to date, just meet my husband.
I did find an adorable man who became my husband (we’ve been together happily for nearly 18 years!). But, it took 15 months and 30 men before I met him – Paul was #30.
It takes TIME to get to know a man and to see if you actually are compatible or simply enjoying a heck of an infatuation. Experts and Therapists agree it takes all four seasons to know if you have a chance at lasting love. In other words, if you have two good dates, don’t start ring shopping.
If you’re the kind of woman who rushes into relationships, I’m going to give you seven super smart reasons to take your time and slow things down. These insights will help you get clear on why rushing can ruin your chances for lasting love.
What’s the Rush?
Before you start planning your bright future together and picturing how wonderful it will be, take a deep breath and ask yourself, “What’s the rush?” I know when you meet a good man, you just want things to evolve quickly into everything you ever hoped for. However, rushing is not the wisest plan.
there’s a book published a few years ago called “Lean In. The author encourages women to go for it or lean in. This is great for your career, but big trouble for your love life and heart. Here’s why.
5 Smart Reasons Not to Rush Into Relationships
1) Lost in the Fantasy
Some women fall in love before they even meet the man. They have amazing texting or great phone conversations and fall in love with the idea that there’s a man out there who cares. This is human nature – the desire for love and support in a day and age when isolation has become more common than ever.
Even if you’ve had a two-three dates that went amazingly well, and he seems so into you, you still have no idea who that guy is or what he really wants. Some men will do and say anything just to get you into bed one time. Others don’t know what they want, don’t want to commit, or simply need an ego boost and some female attention.
There are surprisingly countless reasons why a man spends time with you but, isn’t the least bit serious and there’s only one way to find out…it takes TIME. Like 8-12 weeks with weekly dates if not more, and regular phone conversations and texting.
Once you are lost in the fantasy with a new man, you are the MOST VULNERABLE TO HEARTBREAK. And then you’ll need healing and time to fully recover.
2) Prematurely Attached
You meet a man who seems like he is made to order! His looks, his charm, his sense of humor and style. Baby you’re in LOVE. You find yourself completely attached before you know much about him because you are thinking strictly with your heart (or maybe your “loins”) and not your head.
The problem is, even when you start to notice red flags, it’s too late because you are ATTACHED. You have become emotionally invested with your heart set on THIS man. There’s no shaking you lose and this is how you end up with the wrong man who looked so right at the start.
3) Completely Off Balance
When you are lost in the fantasy and attached prematurely, you no longer have any sense of balance. As you rush into relationships, you don’t take time to stay in the present moment. That’s what it means when people say they are “head over heels” in love. This lovely euphemism actually means you are tumbling out of control.
Then, as things go wrong, the situation becomes dire and hits you like a ton of bricks. You end up broken hearted after just a few dates, over emphasizing the impact this man has on your life. If you are panic-stricken when a man doesn’t call again after two -three dates, that’s a sure sign you are off balance.
4) Stop Being Objective
Once you decide the new guy you’re seeing is IT, you lose all hope of being objective. Should any red flags pop up, you will ignore them or make excuses for him. You willingly over-extend the kindness of the benefit of the doubt, overlooking bad behavior or poor communication.
You are totally smitten and if you honest with yourself, you know you are no longer connected to basic common sense. Your heart is totally in charge and you have little chance of making a decision about your future based on clear thinking.
Yet, your objectivity is ESSENTIAL in dating because it’s the only thing that keeps you from getting involved with a man who is wrong for you. A man who doesn’t show you the proper respect, have the same long-term agenda, or love you the way you want to be loved will be your sole focus to your own detriment. But you’re in love and can’t help it! Oh no…it’s a runaway train
5) Shut Down Your Options
Since you didn’t want to date in the first place, the minute you connect with a decent man, you stop looking. You might stop checking emails on dating sites or apps or stop browsing for other men of interest. You rather see what happens with THIS guy and take your chances. Sadly, this choice will only hurt you.
Shutting down your search before you know you’ve found “The One” is often the cause for dating a man who doesn’t meet your needs. You feel locked in thinking there are no other choices! But, that is only because you stopped looking.
There are always more men to meet.
The Purpose of Dating
The point of dating is to sort through prospects to find the right man for you. It’s not to rush into relationships with the first man who pays attention to you. That will never serve you. Learning how to slow the process down will help you avoid all the pitfall of when you rush into relationships. You’ll side step getting lost in fantasy, being prematurely attached, becoming off balance, losing your objectivity and shutting down your options.
If you truly want to find the best match, taking your time is a must. The only way to avoid heartbreak is to SLOW DOWN. You want to see that a man makes you a priority and is consistent with his time and attention over many weeks.
A man needs to prove himself worthy of your love and devotion. To give your heart away before you know he’s “The One” is a surefire recipe for devastation and potentially an unwillingness to keep dating.
It’s a Balancing Act
Dating is sort of a balancing act, like walking the tight rope in a circus act. Those well-trained, hire-wire performers carry a big pole to help them balance as the walk the line. That’s exactly what will help you find lasting love. Tip the pole up or down to keep your balanced, stay in your head and not just your heart and remain open until the right man comes along.
Finding lasting love with a good man is absolutely possible. And people fall in love every day. When you stay the course, keep your options open and slow things down, your chances of ending up with the right guy dramatically increase.
My hope is that you’ll give yourself this opportunity and never rush into relationships again. Lasting love with your dream man hangs in the balance. He’s out there – give him a chance.
If you are serious about finding love, tend to rush into relationships and need help gaining balance in your dating life, let’s talk. Please fill out this application for a free conversation to discover how coaching can help you.
Do you dream of finding love? Someone to hug, kiss and snuggle with? How would life be different if you had a partner who has your back and makes you laugh? One thing I know as a dating coach for 15 years is that it’s never too late to find love! However, to find love you’ll have to DO something about it. Just like getting a new job or redecorating your home, there are steps to make your goal a reality.