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Shedding Light on the Narcissist by Narcissistsarechameleons - 2w ago

Hi everyone.  Sorry it’s been awhile.  Life has been quiet on the narcissist front which is fantastic!  However, I did have an interaction that has allow me to write about the word disrupters.

I recently came across something that violated my rights.  I waited a day to think about what I wanted to do and then I made a phone call.  I stood up for myself and got the end result I wanted.  It wasn’t easy to do, but my persistence to shed the light and be a disrupter prevailed.  We need to be our own advocate.  I have a favorite TV show that routinely talks about speaking up against anything that looks abnormal.  This is how positive change occurs.  If someone isn’t acting normal we need to let others know.  If there are red flags with someone then we need to voice our opinion to the authorities or to your friend who is dating who you think is a narcissist.  The bottom line is, Speak Up!

I’m a disrupter, but in a positive way.  I don’t get walked on and I will not be labelled.  This company I first spoke about wanted to label me.  I don’t think so.  Though the world has changed a lot, we still have rights.  I think it’s important to not be scared of the consequences if you speak up about someone who wrongs you.  I encourage you to find that strength because it is within all of us.  How bad do you want it?

On the other hand, narcissists are negative disrupters.  Their main goal is to upset your life, keep you be in a state of constant stress, make you think you’re crazy, hold you back from your dreams and control you until you loose your identity.  You don’t have to let this happen.  Dig deep and pull out that strength that is within you and disrupt and sidetrack his schemes, abuse, and tactics.  You can do it.  If you are reading my blog you are wanting to be that positive disrupter.  I’m just giving you that last push!  It’s time to hit the gas pedal and move forward.

Where are you on the gauge today?  Is it still a challenge to speak up?  Are you ready to make the change and are making baby steps?  Are you already shaking things up a bit by recognizing you’re being mistreated and are speaking up?  Or are you on the full throttle to positively disrupt your life because you had enough?

Disruption can be a life changing positive action.  Today I’m giving the word disruption the positive connotation it deserves!

Have a wonderful day!

Ilaya

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Narcissists live in a fantasy world that the rest of us can’t wrap our minds around.  Because their words and behaviors don’t make logical sense, we go crazy ourselves trying to figure it out.

Because narcissists live in a world different from reality, they lie, manipulate and fool people in order to keep their ego alive and healthy at least in their minds.  They will lie about anything in order to come across as the good guy or to keep you guessing about what the truth really is.  Being mysterious is something they thrive on and their charm is very believable.

Their actions are like poisonous tentacles touching many people in various ways.  They may say things like:  “But, I’m doing this for you, not me!”  “I’m doing everything I can in order for you to be happy, don’t you see?”  “I never want you to cry.”  “You’re the boss, whatever you say.”  These words are empty and usually are not backed up with actions or truth.  When the words don’t show their behavior then you know you have a problem.  They can only lie so long until you realize something isn’t adding up.  Listen to this very important clue!

I still think it’s amazing how one person can hurt so many.  The goal is to create instability, misalignment, chaos, and sadness.  This all can happen with very sneaky tactics that are subtle, but real.  If you are crying it’s real!  Don’t ignore it.

Remember, narcissists rarely tell the truth.  The more they look good to others the bigger the story will get.  The more they can make others look bad or crazy the more sane they look.  It’s all about contrast, mystery, and creating a false perception.  Doesn’t this make you mad?  I wouldn’t wish going up against a narcissist to my worse enemy.

If something seems wrong in your current relationship, I would recommend further reading about narcissism.  As I watch a particular show on TV about serial killers, psychopaths, and sociopaths I know that there is a lot of cross over between these very troubling people.  It’s scary.

You will never be happy with a liar, but instead seek happiness with someone truthful.

Ilaya

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Shedding Light on the Narcissist by Narcissistsarechameleons - 3M ago

Once you know how a narcissist operates it’s easy to understand why they act a certain way and say certain things.  Their actions mirror who they want to be or sometimes it’s who they actually are.

When a narcissist accuses you of things such as cheating, in reality it’s them who is cheating.  It’s quite a diversion tactic.  They are controlling your mind by throwing you off course since you probably know something is up.  Just when you are onto figuring them out they throw you a curve ball to make you think you’re the problem.  Your head will spin and reality gets distorted.  This is their goal.

How about this one:  “I always act in your best interest, don’t you know that?”  The reality is, they don’t act in your best interest at all.  Instead it’s quite the opposite.  They just want you to think they have your back so when they do their tactics you’re confused and doubt yourself.  It’s like they plant little seeds in your mind only to send you down the wrong path about them.  The result is that you will stay longer and be there for their games and manipulation.

Another one is:  “I would never do anything to hurt you.  I love you.  I never want to see you cry!”  Sorry, this is a lie and the exact opposite is true.  Their number one goal is to hurt you and anybody else who gets in their way.  If you hear this and the cycle continues where you get hurt over and over again, please listen to your gut.

Have you ever seen a narcissist paranoid that someone is taking from them?  Well, perhaps the truth is they are taking from people.  Nobody is allowed to screw them over whether it be over things or money, but on the other side of the coin, this is their life.  This is how they take from people, control them, and spit them out when they’re done with them.  When  you are no longer useful, you are discarded or at least talked poorly about.  They move on and do whatever it takes to keep a clean reputation.

Next time you are wondering what they are up to, carefully analyzed what they’re saying to you.  Write it down if you have to and in a quiet place think it through.  You will figure it out.  Their words are very valuable and an important window into their deceiving and hurtful life.

Are you tired of this mirror game and confused about reality?  Don’t let them play the mirror game to throw you of course.  Put the mirror aside and go with your gut.  If it smells bad, it probably is bad.  If the cycle is never ending, figure out how to stop it.  I think you need to look in the mirror and make a decision for yourself.

Good luck and stay true to yourself.  Mirrors belong in the bathroom or bedroom not in relationships reflecting lies and misperceptions.

Ilaya

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Wouldn’t it be great to dream and plan for the future?  Do you have goals for the new year or do you live life one day at a time?  Do you have a sit down with your spouse and talk about where you want to be in five years?  If you are with a narcissist, you don’t have any of these life planning sessions that are needed to reach goals and keep your neck above water.  If you do have these conversations more than likely they are empty and never come into fruition.  Let me tell you why.

Narcissist’s live in the here and now.  Their calculated behavior only goes into the future so far.  Most importantly what they plan is ALL for themselves.  I hate to tell you, but any spoken plans from the narcissist about your successful future are a figment of your controlled imagination.  You might want to reread that.  You are being set up.  You will not reach wonderful life-changing goals as long as you are with a narcissist.  Their selfishness takes over and it’s covered up by their lies and manipulation.  The truth is right in front of you, however it’s through the fog.  They will tell you anything to get you to do what they want.  They want you to believe their promises will be kept.  Don’t believe it for one moment.

You can’t change a narcissist.  It’s hard enough to change a regular person, so changing a narcissist in my opinion is impossible.  I’ve seen enough in my time and read enough to believe this.  Even life altering events don’t change them.  It may appear like they have changed, but they haven’t inside.  I encountered someone awhile back who thought he was dying.  He continued to give me the list of all the people with whom he needed to reconcile.  As the red flags went up in my brain, I smiled and didn’t show my inner thoughts.  I just wanted to get through the interaction.  A year later, I learned he wasn’t dying and the interaction was different.  I didn’t see the poor me attitude but instead saw a raging mad intolerant human being.  It appeared to me that he was back to his old self.  The old self that I knew wasn’t good when the red flags went up.  Perhaps his misdiagnosis was supposed to give him a hint to change, but no not for a narcissist.  It’s always about them and even life changing events won’t made a long term difference in their behavior.  Not deep down inside at least.

I was just talking to someone about a narcissist who ended up in the hospital and got married during long term care to someone brand new.  The relationship didn’t go well at all if you were wondering.  It’s amazing to me what narcissists can do even in their most vulnerable time.  I believe those times are when they rise up even farther and escalate their calculative behavior.  I think they go into full execution mode crossing boundaries to achieve their goals.  Human nature feels sorry for them and they work people over.  Is your radar up?  Do you see this behavior in anyone close to you?  How many times are you going to be taken advantage of?  It’s okay to say no.

If the past is nothing but unmet promises, fighting, turmoil, anger, and abuse, it’s not going to change.  As much as you want it to or you think you can change them, you can’t.  If you are around someone who is extremely nice, accommodating and too good to be true, be aware and let time tell the truth.

Don’t be defeated, but instead take this incredible insightful knowledge and use it to your advantage.  It’s time for you to plan your future and yes let it be for yourself.  Self care is different than selfishness.  Always remember that!

It’s time to plan, set goals and achieve them.  Leave the past in the dust and look ahead at the sunshine.  You got this!

Ilaya

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Shedding Light on the Narcissist by Narcissistsarechameleons - 4M ago

I think most of us have urges or impulses to do things that might not be the best for our lives, but fortunately we have control and a conscious that stops us.  Some of us use our logical minds to control urges and some of us might be fearful.  Whatever the reason for our urge control it’s probably a good thing and it’s normal!

Narcissists on the other hand don’t seem to have control of impulses.  They instead have a driving force behind their behavior.  That force is insecurity.  Because of their insecurity, they lash out by calling their victims names or they use anger to try to control their environment.  They have a glass ceiling when it comes to materialistic desires and often times they spend money irresponsibly.  They might say things in a group setting that makes everyone feel uneasy because more than likely it’s selfish and unbelievable.

I found two definitions of impulse:

  1.  The amount of change in an object’s momentum
  2. The amount of force on an object multiplied by the amount of time

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These definitions are interesting when thinking about the lack of impulse control of a narcissist.  Their irrational decisions certainly can turn a person’s life upside down by creating destructive momentum.  If you feel like you aren’t in the flow of your life well ask yourself  “does my partner have impulse control?”  Along with a momentum that goes haywire, victims also feel a huge negative force for a long time.  Force x Time = IMPULSE.   Is this equation defining your life in a negative way?

I’m thankful for impulse control, otherwise I probably wouldn’t have many friends and I would be living paycheck to paycheck.  Controlling your impulses is important to a successful life and a healthy relationship.

Does your partner have impulse control?  Do they have a logical mind that solves problems leading to a rewarding outcome?  Can you have a conversation with them that propagates understanding and love?  Are you yelled at just because you asked a question?  Does your partner live a false life in public and a different life at home?  Are you living in a chaotic life due to impulsive stops and starts?  Do you feel a force on you that is literally erasing your happiness and dreams?

I think it’s important to look at someone’s impulse control.  It gives a lot of information about the inner reasons for their decisions and perhaps why their life has so much turmoil.

Today, do you want to be with someone with limited impulse control or do you want to wait for a partner who makes good decisions and treats you with respect?  The flow of your life and your future depends on it.

Ilaya

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Shedding Light on the Narcissist by Narcissistsarechameleons - 5M ago

It’s that time of year again where families get together and celebrate.  Sometimes this is a good thing and sometimes not.  This time of year can be very stressful for many reasons.  Some of us are dreading the holidays perhaps due to the narcissist in the family.

Hopefully my blog has educated you on the behaviors of narcissists.  If you have read my blog then you know what to expect during gift giving and get-togethers.  If you have this knowledge then maybe walking on eggshells is a faint memory of past behavior that you felt was necessary for survival.  Maybe now you can go into a room with a smile and predict interactions and chuckle in your head about what behaviors are before you due to someone’s survival and manipulative tactics.

Remember, conversations need to center around the narcissist.  You may or may not get a word in and that’s okay.  Also, remember a gift you receive may not be appropriate or thoughtful and this is normal in the narcissist’s mind.  Don’t react or if you do just smile.  It’s just a gift and if you don’t want to give them fuel then just smile and say thank you.  I think it’s just easier this way.  Expect nothing, really.  Expect nothing to be “normal,” at least.   If you get out of the room not in tears or anger you’re doing well.  If you need to avoid someone during a gathering then so be it.  Not everyone serves us well and it’s okay to have firm boundaries.  Avoidance can be your strategy to skirt around being sucked into a nasty vortex.  Reconciliation usually isn’t an option with narcissists so why think getting along with them is a possibility?  If people are around them long enough, someone will get hurt.  It just is.

Remember, comments might be made that are underhandedly rude and meant to hurt you perhaps in front of others.  What are your choices?  You either call him on it or you swallow it and chuckle in your head, because you know the truth.  It’s your call.  If you embarrass him in front of others you will pay later.  Only you can decide if you’re strong enough to endure your punishment later that will happen behind closed doors in order to hide the truth.  I just don’t want you to be upset and have your holiday ruined!  Do you know that’s the narcissist’s goal?!  You deserve better and you have to give that to yourself.

The best gift you can give is educating yourself about the ways of a narcissist and not letting this bad energy infect your life.  Be joyous!  Smile and laugh.  That’s what life is about especially this time of year.

Ilaya

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