the best way to transcend the mundane comes from denying myself.
Life is interesting with a funny sense of humor. It’s complex and painful with points of beauty, joy, and happiness.
The joke? There is in fact no meaning. We think our whole concept of life circulates on the wheel of “THERE’S A REASON BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS A CONSPIRACY”. The illusion? Believing that there is a reason for existing because the world “owes” you. Denial is projected when you add the rejection of what you feel “owed” + entitlement.
With that reality check in mind, I’ll explain.
We get mad when we give something that we’d love to do for ourselves, but we can’t. We’re unable to love ourselves for the true core of who we are.
The same concept is how programming is created: We create functions and ideas of what we believe is supposed to happen for us. We wire ourselves based on illusions. Illusions shape our perceptions. In turn, lot of people wind up living in concepts and getting stuck there, failing to see beyond them with clarity and reality. We start believing lies and limiting beliefs in our head. We start only looking at things from face value while neglecting what we TRULY feel. It’s the process of embodying a self fulfilling prophecy.
You start believe you deserve pain because that’s possibly all you attract. You ever notice how easy it is to believe something negative? It’s so easy to get caught up in the idea because the reality of life isn’t always gumdrops and lollipops. If you had to step aside and look at yourself from a different perspective, ask if that’s realistic. Is it realistic to keep acting on the emotions and pain someone caused in the past to cope? Is it realistic to keep blaming other people for your self inflicted behaviors based on your unresolved wounds? It creates a trap of being stuck with resentment towards others and lack of accountability for yourself. It creates a lack of self awareness that fuels self sabotage.
A person is entitled to feel the way they do about pain that’s been inflicted on them. Regardless on the original intentions, that doesn’t need to diminish the aftermath of actions. For others to play the role of God and strictly hold someone else accountable without noticing their own shortcomings is nothing but ignorance in some circumstances. It’s wild how many people tell me not to give certain people chances when I’ve done the same for them. There’s no need to throw stones from your glass house.
I can’t deny my role in situations I caused for myself. I can’t sit here in my own pile of shit and consciously say that I don’t make mistakes. It’s like saying “since I can’t deal with my pile of shit, let me share it with you and blame you for my unresolved issues because this is a justified moment”. EXCUSE ME, BUT DO YOU SEE THE FLAW IN THIS? You can’t keep saving your demons when they don’t even want to save themselves. You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to save themselves.
Sitting in denial instead of tending to the guilt, karma, and lessons to be learned from what you received does nothing but block blessings/opportunities. The more you sit in the past, the more it’ll continue to manifest, and the more you’ll keep suffering consciously and subconsciously. Ignorance is not always bliss.
Stop letting people narrate your truth when they know the role they played. Stop letting them tell you “you shouldn’t feel like this because I didn’t mean it”. However, the same applies for when you hurt someone else/project.
You can apologize to someone all day everyday and still not learn the lesson if you don’t choose to walk in the embodiment of a higher version of yourself always. Even with those that hurt me. But I refuse to allow someone to still think that they can disrespect me. I refuse to entertain gossip on the resentment of someone else. I’m not someone’s emotional crutch. I’m not responsible for someone’s guilt. Blaming someone else for your known toxic behaviors isn’t okay. I don’t want to continue broken cycles and generational curses. I don’t want to carry the harmful behaviors when I have the ability to be greater.
I’m not giving a pass or a microphone to others: for them to tell me how I feel, what I am supposed to think, what I am supposed to say. Those who want the best for me wouldn’t pray against me. They wouldn’t use me for their own personal and selfish vendettas. They wouldn’t be able to consciously wish ill will or harm against those I’ve already forgiven and spoken with. I can love from afar and never speak to someone again. I can keep those boundaries and still hope the best for them. I can hold myself accountable and responsible for my actions.
I want to live for myself, not based on someone else’s limitations on me based on what they couldn’t achieve for themselves. Contrary to popular belief, everyone doesn’t deserve a place in your life. We can both acknowledge what we do to each other, but I can still proceed to grow without you even if things are better.
“You’ve been manipulated now.” Amazing how that happens when I no longer give someone or negativity energy; having boundaries, having moral values and not trying to live by deception/gossip/chains of the past. Why would I choose to be stagnant when I know better?
I give my life my own meaning. I’d rather live in my own purpose than to live in other people’s shadows or situations. I’d rather deny myself once and for all to step into a higher sense of self than live my life full of denial of what should’ve/could’ve/would’ve been.
You owe the world, not the other way around. Without the world, how would you have a sense of self? How would you keep falling and picking yourself up again? How would you gain wisdom and knowledge from pain for elevation?
I find it very wild that we try to live this uber ultra, nonchalant life with the denial of death. What I mean is death is something so paradoxical. Painful, yet beautiful. It’s somewhat interesting to see and hear someone’s ideas on the subject. Not in the “what’s your favorite serial killer?” type way. It’s something more personal and down to earth that just seems to bring us down to our knees sometimes.
I feel like death is a part of life that people always pretend to accept. “Not everyone wants to be sad all the time, why did it have to happen”. Makes sense, but it’s also a double edged sword. Death isn’t easy. The topic in itself is something others wish to avoid because of fear. Many of us can become so consumed with fear over the smallest things whether it be to overthinking (one of my bittersweet traits), or with lack of faith/understanding.
Fear of the unknown is what death is centered around. We try to control the aspects and superficial details: how we want it to happen, where we want it to take place, etc. In reality, that’s not up for us to decide. It’s counterproductive to try and control one of the biggest lessons of life without even trying to grasp the understanding of our own individual paths.
I feel like situations repeat themselves and manifest in various ways/times for a reason (sometimes). Maybe it’s a karmic lesson some people need. Maybe it’s like “stop believing what’s spoon fed and stop living in ignorance”. In the same token, we can’t just live in fear of death. We have to make this shit count and be deliberate while we can.
Comparing it without learning from the losses only ensures it happens again until we’re forced to realize things. We have to be more self aware and filled with the faith that we have the light to control things that control us, whether it’s ourselves or others. We have the ability to decide for ourselves. If we don’t, no one is entitled or responsible to do it for us.
We have to learn to accept it as it comes. Grief and sadness are completely normal. The question is why is denial so normalized? Why is it that we’d rather choose not to accept the loss? To be very forward, typing this stanza alone is very different for me. I grew up unable to handle death. I knew it was necessary, but I never understood why. Even with the explanations. Now it seems as if I can deal with it normally without letting the fear consume me. For me, the key was to understand that it happened for a reason. We can’t control time. We can’t prevent everything negative from happening on the grand scale of things. We experience death in various ways: relationships, failed dreams, toxic habits, financial loss, and so much more.
Being adverse to the death is almost like having a resentment to growth. While staying stagnant, we often times fall back into the same toxic patterns and negative thoughts. We remain stuck in something that breaks us without realizing the damage is for something beyond us.
With the sudden tragic death of Nipsey Hussle, everyone feels the change of energy. People are tired of seeing each other be taken away. People want answers. People are looking for strength in each other. The biggest strength we have right now is harnessing and fueling our self awareness. The comparisons to the past need to end. The current life we are living isn’t enough. We have to start taking a stand. He wasn’t slain in vain. I believe he found tokens of life that we need to pay more attention to vs living in a world consumed with trends and being unaware of what’s really going on. We can’t sit in this place of “damn that’s crazy; I don’t know what to do”. We can’t sit in a place of ignorance and doubt. The shift lies within ourselves if we want to reach that.
Banding together means nothing without intention. As Solange said: do nothing without intention. It means nothing without the created illusions of divides that fuel violence and hate. However, with the task of being voices of change, we have to remain vigilant with positive energy and faith. We have to remember what people taught us, nuggets of wisdom we either reject or fail to act on. As soon as we accept death as it is while knowing what’s learned from it, growth and transformation will follow suit.
With this understanding, one can say “okay so you’re telling me to be a target?” I believe things happen for a reason. Nipsey was slain for reasons we’re aware of. However, it didn’t stop him. He figured out his life path and understood what came with his voice. I’d even assume he was prepared for this kind of undertaking/shift. The biggest question: are we going to ride for him and for ourselves the same way?
That’s what I am taking from the lesson of death. Rest in Power Nipsey.
change has shifted me in various aspects to make me a stronger person. change has allowed me to write and become more in control of myself.
I experienced something that broken me 3 years ago recently. again. With that, it brought new pain along with old scars and demons that I tried to rid off with “well, it’s my fault but it is what it is”. I allowed others to re-victimize me. I allowed others to disrespect me. So-called friends became toxic. It felt like life was falling apart again.
or so i thought.
The past few days have been a struggle for me. The past few weeks alone have been a struggle of me being so unsure of myself, unsure of my words, unsure of my decisions. It hurts. I find myself always overextending and trying to help others while disregarding myself. I wind up neglecting my wellbeing and my own pain because of it being reduced. however…here’s my way of helping not only myself, but also other people.
Almost 3 years ago, I was raped in college. That time period was probably one of the (if not most) traumatic and darkest periods of my life. I wasn’t ready to talk about it. I grew to hate myself because of my unwillingness to talk about it while still trying to. At the time I was conflicted with thoughts of fear, confusion, denial, and pain. Up until recently, I was dealing with my own survivor’s guilt.
I hated the fact that I allowed other people to try and take my voice and use it for something I wasn’t ready for. I didn’t even process the actual rape itself fully. I told myself I was acting rationally when I was really crippling myself with debilitating hurt. I was hurt by the words of others. I was hurt by people choosing to discredit the facts with “nah….he’d never do something like that; you’re just crazy”. Loyalty meant more than the truth. It was easier to call me crazy than to hold someone you trust accountable for wrongdoing.
I had a conversation about it with my assailant after it happened that night to try and make sense of what happened: being told by the person themselves that it wasn’t my fault while trying to discredit what actually happened; me caring more about his reputation and not wanting to hurt him; me feeling like I ruined my life based on me being unable to process what he did. I felt guilty because I knew I’d be responsible for his downfall. I knew people would pick and choose. I knew that my confusion during me grappling with it happening made me seem not credible. I became consumed with thinking it was my fault, as if I deserved or it was warranted according to others. I think about it now and it disgusts me.
I didn’t believe myself because I let people try to tell my truth with their own narratives. Processing sexual assault and harassment for me is like a stage of denial I’m out of, but at the same time I was still stuck. I was stuck with the blame game. It wasn’t my fault. I didn’t deserve that. I didn’t deserve any unwanted encounter I’ve faced. I don’t inherently hate him. I forgive myself for not trusting my feelings. I chose to spare my pain by letting others diminish who I thought myself to be. I hated being nice after that. I hated trying to make decisions because of the crippling anxiety of me always holding myself responsible for things that aren’t my fault. I’ve been so much harder on myself about that situation. It’s a blessing and curse; I’ve pushed myself out of that dark part of my life. I’ve broken barriers and gained so much wisdom. As it being a curse, I found myself back in similar situations in order for me to understand that things aren’t my fault. I’m not responsible for a person’s actions or feelings after they hurt me. It shows through their guilt and karma.
The system failed me with common misconceptions and lack of morality. Xavier University of Louisiana failed me as an HBCU that was supposed to be about safety and concerns mattering. I learned that the hard way of it not my fault because it opens the dialogues of something the black community doesn’t talk about: how can they hold anyone accountable/choose selective outrage over sexual assault when the black community still struggles with addressing the same thing?
It’s not fun having flashbacks and memories. The pain can manifest in the most simplest forms. Memories, nightmares, certain items that seem insignificant, personality traits, insecurities. Just saying it’s something to get over is insensitive because PTSD is prevalent in sexual trauma as well.
Victims and survivors shouldn’t have to garner a sliver of sympathy through “what if it was your mother/sister/etc?”. We shouldn’t have to feel like we owe everyone else answers and fulfill all the unrealistic expectations. In reality, they’d still choose to discredit us and be ignorant. It literally pays people to be ignorant. It’s why victims and survivors can’t receive the proper resources that are much needed. It’s why politicians choose to constantly spew lies and fallacies, along with their own transgressions on the topic being brought to the spotlight. It’s why people don’t speak. Everyone is consumed with the idea of “a person should want sex; they should want to know what *choose a body part* feels like; they’re inferior if they don’t want sex”. People who sympathize with rapists are just as bad as the rapists themselves. Trying to justify why a person feels the need to sexually assault someone while tarnishing another person’s character shows how ignorant and naive people choose to be. People tend to be stuck in their asses, glamorizing hypocrisy with telling us to speak while arranging our exile. They tell us that we should want to report things if it’s true, but still make it as if we asked for it. They seem to think that a person doesn’t have a right to say no even if they may have been fine with it before. They seem to think that the chances of rape and assault happening again aren’t higher after the first instance. They seem to think that if they were put in a compromising position like that, they’d have all the answers in those paralyzing moments of fear. They don’t.
I didn’t fail myself and I didn’t deserve the way things unfolded; in the same token, it’s opened so many other doors in my life. Sometimes I think if I hadn’t have been raped, I would have continued to be unhappy. It wouldn’t have added to my growth and increased self awareness. I’m at peace with myself and that part of the past through addressing it and tackling it head on. The pain of that made me powerful than I could have ever imagined.
I considered giving up a skill and rebirth of a passion that not only helps me, but it also seems to help others.
Here’s why I wanted to stop writing: 1) no allotted time between my two jobs and 2) stress with personal matters. The first reason was more like an excuse I made for myself. I also would tell myself that I would need to wait on the perfect moment and proper climate to put something out. After having a tough love conversation with a couple of my friends, I told them and myself that I would continue. However, I chose to limit myself. The feeling of fear and anxiety hit me. I felt like the positive things I began attracting dissipating. Things others said started getting to me.
Now, here I am writing. I’m not letting fear or anything control me. I know I’m not a one trick pony. Self sabotage is real, but we don’t talk about it enough.
We can be our own best friend, but we’re our own best enemy by the same token. It’s hard to feel as if we’re doing things right. Things start feeling too good to be true. When it’s time to elevate further, we stall. We stop and we go backwards, traveling the familiar pain or feelings we’re safe with. We go back to social media and compare ourselves to others, further limiting what we wanted to do. We lose opportunities and chances we don’t take if we just keep sitting in the same fears we create. We get so used to going crazy over things we can’t control to where we give up the things we have the ability to control: our own happiness and ability to journey through life without feeling weighed down.
Here’s an example. My friends and I were having a discussion while high. The topic? Pretty much a situationship. A friend of mine is enamored with one girl in particular, but won’t make a move. Now, here’s what the high me said:
“How would you feel if someone else came along doing the exact same things you’re doing for her, but he gets her first because he put himself out there for something he wanted?”
Needless to say, it fucked him up. I think a lot of us hurt ourselves when we make ourselves victims in situations we create mentally. The idea of having a “perfect moment” is also bullshit essentially. How many people have/are still probably waiting on that? Probably a large amount that would rather not admit it. We limit ourselves on fears. The fear of the unknown is without a doubt scary. Inversely, I think being comfortable with a blanket of knowing you don’t want to deal with negative outcomes or deny what happens next isn’t healthy. It creates an inner dialogue and narrative that we can’t escape. Facing those fears is a part of actually living. It’s somewhat like a mini adventure of how badass you can be with pushing your own limits of growth. Self limiting thoughts and expectations are tricky. Little do we know, we can easily attract things that influence our self sabotage without realizing it.
Having a rough day? Damn, that’s crazy. Let’s sit around and be unproductive. Better yet, let’s go out and sit around people who actually don’t give a damn about my existence, or want to be also stuck in their own self wallowing pain. Sound familiar?
I noticed that I was walking away from a toxic point in my life when I questioned why I was writing. I had to sit and actually sort through my thoughts and feelings about my situations. I noticed who actually cared about me. I noticed those who weren’t really my friends. I noticed the way others treated me when I started acting with more purity and clarity. I noticed the way my thoughts and patterns changed. Of course with my self questioning, I began to see how my life shifted. Sometimes, it’s our surroundings that are holding us back. I didn’t feel bad for cutting off people with half assed intentions and effort. I cherish those that push me and question me. Does it upset me sometimes when I hear something that’s the opposite of what I’d like? Of course; that is beyond natural. I appreciate it more because I then begin to tackle why do I feel like this. Why are others making me feel like this? Why do I choose to stay with others if they have tendencies of not being what I need in a friend? We fail to act in what we lack because of self sabotage. We fail to go through the beauty of self love and self care with the lack of responsibility and accountability we have for ourselves. People just want “yes men” and followers that encourage stagnancy. People would rather be sensitive and become narcissistic in their glass house, failing to comprehend why things are always wrong for them vs. understanding that they have no room to speak on something or someone when they’ve fallen short from greatness.
No one ever wants to be wrong. No one ever wants to take the first step into a new chapter. No one wants to miss out on the perfect moment. We make end of the world scenarios and make asses of ourselves for no reason. With that, we should start being more reasonable. “What if I am wrong?” The worst that can happen is a tiny ego bruise, followed by change and growth that can follow afterwards.
“What if someone rejects me?” If they did, leave it alone. You did what you could and that’s all that matters. However, the opposing party also needs to understand that they can’t get mad when you move on. They can’t try to make you feel guilty for doing something that omits them from your current reality. If they didn’t congratulations. Establish boundaries. If the person keeps hurting you, leave. If you go back, that’s on you. The reason I say that is because it could fall into one or two ways: either they corrected their behavior, or they continue the cycle of hurting you, you taking them back, etc x 100. The latter is lack of accountability and responsibility for your role in someone hindering you because they can’t grow themselves. They’d rather see your dreams and potential fail because they couldn’t grow fruit in theirs. Misery loves company, leading to the trap of leeches: you have to rid yourselves of them and of anything that distracts you from the main prize you set for yourself. I don’t care if that toxic ex/parent/teacher/relative/friend tells you different.
True happiness lies with you and only you. When you lack that, it shows in the way you carry yourself. It shows when the same negativity energy starts to manifest itself in ways that will come up as a wake up call. It shows us from self doubt, fears, lack of action, procrastination, excuses, and so much more self debilitating measures. Are we going to keep going backwards and not learning from our self sabotage demise, or are we going to actually learn from these experiences and start a healthy, fulfilled life?
With that, I shall continue writing. I’m something greater than I could have imagined. There’s more blessings and abundance in store for me to come.
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I refuse to be a recipient of my family’s mistakes.
Disclaimer: My family might see this. Knowing me, I’ll send this to some and let it trickle down. I know others may do the same, and their own family might get *slightly* upset. With that being said, hello all. I’ll also say this: a hit dog will holler.
If you felt like you had to live up to toxic standards or repeat the same toxic patterns because of family, I’m sorry.
Sayings like “blood is thicker than water”, or “we can’t choose our family” make people feel guilty of the way a family member has treated or done us. That’s what it felt like for me at least. It makes us feel like we have to be obligated to go back to the same place that caused us to become sick: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. We drive ourselves to our wits end, giving up our own dreams and personal goals we deem to be our path in life because of family. They know it all, right?
Let’s ruffle some feathers. I feel as if so many people need to hear this: if your parent was abusive or neglected you as a child physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, and they chose to pass those negative aspects on to as a child, they need to seek help. If you believe that being verbally abusive to a child makes you feel good, and seeing a child scared for their life because you held control over them due to their lack of being able to defend themselves is okay….you need to seek help. If you think that projecting the trauma that you experienced as a child onto your own child is okay, you need to seek help. If you think tearing down your child’s hopes and dreams because you failed to reach yours is okay, leading to you becoming an obstacle in their life, you need to seek help. There’s so many other situations and instances that ruin lives of families daily. I can strongly say family can be the worst in life. We’re conditioned to this societal idea that family is supposed to be happy and filled with love. “They’re the ones that will always have your back until the end of time”. “We should feel obligated to help and support them at all costs”. My personal favorite? “You should be grateful that I at least took care of you”. At least. Tuh. Okay lol.
Let’s go down two avenues. First, to those who are or was a toxic/less than great parent: did you ever come to terms with failures in your life? Did you ever overcome your own personal trauma? Did you ever have someone to talk to? Why was projecting your pain the best option to you? There’s so many questions that I ask myself. I understand the idea of mental health and therapy isn’t a viable option due to stigmas surrounding that, especially in black communities. I understand that it’s easier to fall to the same patterns that previous generations continued: drugs, alcoholism, etc. I understand that life may have been hard on you. You may have had to grow up fast and handle responsibilities earlier, right?
I say that to say this to everyone as I climb this soapbox: I don’t give a damn what your past was. To have so much of that negative, draining energy while creating something so wonderful as life, and then morph a pure human being into a possible monster is something to be ashamed of. You’re conditioned to your issues, and you think giving it to us is our responsibility?
Hell no. That ends today.
I’ll be honest and say there’s a lot of family members I’m not fond of. Their pasts kept coming up and creating this cycle that led to me early on. I grew up feeling insecure. I didn’t understand why family members didn’t want to be around me or treated me differently. A lot of times, it didn’t feel like family: more like some dysfunctional reality TV show I didn’t ask to be a part of. It’s funny because my mindset has changed now. I trust my friends more than some of my own family sometimes honestly. The “water” supports me more than the “blood” does because I know those friends are not being selfish. I know they don’t have malicious or underlying intentions. I know they respect who I am, they respect my privacy, and they respect my willingness to be whoever the hell I want.
I had an epiphany of my own regarding my family: I no longer care about their decades worth of problems. I have to leave that to them because 1) I can’t save everyone. Instead, I saved myself. 2) They have to realize they became the problems they not only created, but were handed down. I refuse to be a recipient of that. I’ll be damned. 3) One would think that decades of lack of accountability and being torn from their “family” would be a wake up call. But some would rather sit around and keep stirring the pot. FOR WHAT? Do you realize how much energy that takes? Does anyone think about how much time and energy it takes to be the devil and constantly keep up drama? As a kid, I never understood. As an adult, I see it as if that’s all some people have because they’re either unhappy with their own life because of someone else in their family, or that’s the only way they can maintain contact. If you do that as a way of only maintaining contact in a state of chaos, there’s a special place you need to go: therapy (if you thought I was going to say hell…it popped up but we have to be positive and understand fighting fire with fire does nothing, just like previous generations). All behaviors that we have (consciously and subconsciously) are learned, and the first place all of us learn is from home. People are taught how to be hateful and resentful. People are often taught that sexually assaulting someone is okay. People grow up learning to be a shadow of their parents. The sad reality is that for some of these parents or guardians that raised us get upset when we don’t follow that mold anymore. For what?
What do I look like living my life for someone else? What do I look like living my life for someone that I can deem unworthy regardless of being my blood? Life and death is in the power of your tongue and your actions. No one else’s. You receiving their trauma is so much power over their issues that isn’t your responsibility. I control myself and my life. I can’t control or force a relationship with anyone. If a family member cut you off due to your negative aspects and love for drama, chaos, and disorder, then they had every right. Stop telling people they can’t remove who they deem unworthy.
“But I brought you in this world and I can take you out”. “I had to change your diapers and provide for you”. I don’t understand this concept as a child and to this day. For one, I didn’t ask to be here. I didn’t ask to carry your pain. I didn’t ask to be broken alongside you. I didn’t ask for the passive aggressive moments. I didn’t make that decision to be here. For a long time I felt like my family might have been better if I didn’t exist. Now, I understand that not only was that a lie, but I also understand that I’m not responsible for another person’s responsibility of being a parent or even a decent human being. I understand that their actions had consequences as far as how I would turn out. I could have either been worse, or better. I can say that I’m better because I would rather be away from that. Being around people like that all the time is draining. It’s filled with negative aunts and uncles, all of them trying to one up each other and being fake to another. These people only cheer when I reach an accomplishment in regards to me having a big voice one day, but as a leech. I don’t care about the statuses and titles. PSA: acting all high and mighty does nothing for an already fragile and broken ego. It’s not that deep. It’s childish and annoying. Please grow up. (If that hit you in the chest, I’m glad. Now work through your trauma. Refer to “closure”, my last piece.)
Family hurts. It’s a different kind of hurt because there’s still this expectation that they wouldn’t do that to you. So many family members dealing with their hurt result in diminishing ours. How many of us have been sexually abused and assaulted as a child? How many of us got in trouble vs. the cousin/uncle/aunt/mother/father that hurt us? How many of us were told to be quiet and stay in a child’s place because of that? How many of you have had a mother or father walk out for selfish reasons and leave you with the feeling of being unwanted? How many of us have experienced being in the middle of fights and arguments, and we’re told to stay out of it, but our existence is what keeps this going? What people fail to realize is putting a child through hell no longer keeps a child in their respective place that we always mention. That child sees everything and takes in everything. We have all seen, heard, and experienced things that we know we shouldn’t have. It’s gotten to the point of complacency. Apologizing could go a long way. But it doesn’t reverse actions done. To live in the past and pass down hurtful and disrespectful ways isn’t fair. It’s like saying “I couldn’t handle it so I’ll share with you”. Why is passing trauma the signature torch? Why is apologizing just something you feel as if you don’t have to give us?
To those who have abandoned the idea of family and ridden them off all together, that is perfectly okay. Don’t let someone else tell you that it’s not. Sometimes, it’s for the best. Maybe a breakthrough can happen, or maybe things become more fragmented. Whatever the case may be, don’t feel guilty for their past. Don’t feel guilty for their mistakes and not being enough that you needed. If you’re a parent reading this that may not have had a great childhood, but you broke the chains and cycles of your family, thank you. Thank you so much for making it so much easier to go through life without being responsible for your past. If you’re a parent reading this that may be estranged from a family member or all, and you played a part in that, please reach out for help. I can’t stress that enough. Death without peace of unresolved issues you maybe created could taste so much sweeter after coming to terms and apologizing.
I can I love my family…from a distance. I’d rather be away from the turmoil they still deal with. Being away gives me freedom and the ability to work on myself. I have the chance to form my own ideas and perceptions on what I expect from myself as a parent in the future. As someone who is currently married, I learned from what I’ve seen my entire life on the type of wife I strive to be. I refused to maintain a dysfunctional life that I know exists in my bloodline. I’ve broken free of that and I can honestly say I’m at peace. Do what you want for the betterment of you and what will reflect in the future. Nurture the aspects of a life you would want to maintain for yourself. Self love and understanding without neglecting your feelings is key. Family can be mad at you all they want for your lack of wanting to be around, but they need to understand for themselves that you checked out of what made you sick. One day they’ll learn the same for themselves. If not, that’s not your loss. You’ve already won the world for yourself.
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“I no longer hate you anymore, so you no longer have power over me.”
The idea of closure: It seems so simple and easy to attain…but is it reality for you? It’s an ideal goal, but it also takes soul searching for yourself. The truth? You probably can’t get that because of your actions and thoughts. It’s not entirely someone else’s fault. Before you get mad and try to say “you don’t understand; you’re just talking shit; you’re really ugly so bye”: hear me out. It could change your life for the better.
What’s closure? To a majority of people, it’s the idea of talking to someone in order to move on. The real answer: it’s a dumb excuse to talk to someone. The first thing you should understand is that whoever hurt you doesn’t owe you that. This applies to different aspects of relationships, whether it’s with family, friends, a significant others, etc. Everyone has had a 5 Stages of Grief Moment before: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Why is acceptance marked out? Too many times people replace that step with “closure”. Even if we receive it, we still may go through the cycle again skipping acceptance. In order to come to this realization, I had to take a step back and revaluate myself.
To begin, understand your feelings are valid. Don’t dismiss it as being crazy. However, you can’t wallow in that space of gray. You become what you allow subconsciously. Even giving that person so much energy into projecting hate forms something powerful. If you allow someone into your life that made it well known from the beginning that they would hurt you, you created the problem. This person knew they could keep taking advantage of you. It doesn’t justify the pain that could be caused, but you failed to establish your own boundaries (I want it to be known that this is entirely separate from victims of abuse, as well as those who are in detrimental and dire situations. There are isolated incidences and situations that occur to victims that are NOT in their control due to those circumstances, which will be discussed later). I know that this can be seen as derogatory and victim blaming. From someone who has been victim blamed in various points of my life, me coming to my personal realization of what I’m explaining felt like I was discrediting myself. I had to open up and look at things differently. I knew I didn’t have those boundaries. I knew that I became the cause of my own demise because of things I allowed. However, I made the decision for it not to control me. I also would like to add that unhealthily dealing with closure without acknowledging your feelings and moving on could create more underlying issues that you may not want to confront until it’s too late. Moving on is hard, but having it unresolved in your head and your spirit is much worse sometimes. Even if you don’t have a certain nagging thought at every moment of the day, do you still have that feeling of something weighing you down? Each time we choose to dwell on something, it turns us into something we don’t like. Over time, we start noticing that we project what’s been hurting us or what we’ve allowed negatively. With this epiphany, I began my own journey of self control. Self control for me is the ability to look at life in a more positive, less stress induced way. If someone decides to end contact or a friendship with me, I no longer give it a second thought. It seems kind of far fetched, but I look at it with these ideas:
Is this in my control? If not, why am I letting this one thing have so much of my energy? If it is in my control, I need to evaluate myself. If I did something wrong, holding myself accountable feels better than either lying or being stuck in my pride.
Let’s go a step further for those who still believe they deserve closure and say this: whoever hurt you and left you with the feeling of needing “closure” probably doesn’t respect you. Plain and simple. Maybe this is something you really need to hear. If that person respected you, they wouldn’t have done what they did to hurt you in the first place. Why do you constantly let people in your life that don’t respect you? Why would you let someone in multiple times that could care less? If you need a personal sign or tip, listen up: closure is only going to fuel more and more indifferent questions, unnecessary confrontation, and create excuses to try and reach out. It’s a waste of time. There’s so much out in life to experience and enjoy, but yet causing more inner turmoil is what holds you back. If they come back, understand your newfound self worth and apply it. Understand that they don’t have that affect over you any longer. Show them that you can keep moving forward without their presence. The memories may include some good moments, but living in the past can create a whole new issue entirely. Basing your happiness on memories of a toxic situation or person isn’t the way to go. It’s okay to let go if something is no longer in your favor. It’s okay to move forward.
Focus on what you can control: yourself. You’ve won when you find that peace for yourself and establish your boundaries. You are royalty, so you have to treat yourself as such. Why let one person tear down everything you’ve done for yourself over something that won’t pay your bills or add to your growth? Self control and self love is the best closure that I can use for growth. That’s how I no longer let hate or the idea/environment of toxicity control me.