Melanoma Jo – Diary of a 20 Something Stage 4 Cancer Patient
My name is Jolene and I was diagnosed with Stage 4 malignant melanoma on the 29th September 2010 at the age of 23. Initially I had a 1.5mm mole removed from my neck when I was 18 years old and I have been living with cancer ever since.
May is Melanoma Awareness Month, so I thought I would take an opportunity to write about the signs and symptoms. After all, it is the reason I write this blog in the first place.
For those who might not be aware, I was diagnosed with Stage 4 melanoma in September 2010 at the age of 23, having originally been diagnosed with Stage 1 melanoma five years earlier when I was 18. I am almost 32 and have been living with cancer the whole of my adult life. I initially began my blog to share my story and raise awareness, and since then I have appeared in numerous campaigns for cancer charities, featured in a BBC documentary A Time To Live and told my story in the Daily Mail’s You Magazine. I never have, and never will be a sun seeker, but my experience goes to show there is no discrimination when it comes to getting cancer.
When I was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer, everything felt very out of my control and I felt all my independence was taken away from me. Looking on the bright side, I’ve now been living with my diagnosis for almost 9 years, and in some ways I am stronger than ever. The experience has shaped my whole life, so unsurprisingly I talk and write about it a lot. I struggle with the mental and physical of my diagnosis on a daily basis and are a constant reminder of what I have been through.
Melanoma is a type of cancer that develops in the cells (melanocytes) that produce melanin, the pigment that gives skin its natural colour. Melanin helps to protect the body from UV radiation from the sun. According to the NHS website melanoma is the fifth most common cancer in the UK and there are around 13,500 new cases of melanoma are diagnosed each year. Stats also suggest that more than 2,000 people die every year in the UK from advanced melanoma, which is higher than I expected, although I’ve always been told not to look at the numbers.
Melanoma is caused by skin cells that begin to develop abnormally. Exposure to ultraviolet (UV) light from the sun is thought to cause most melanomas, but there’s also evidence to suggest that some may result from sunbed exposure too. In 2018, Melanoma UK launched a petition for the ban on sunbeds in the UK after a successful ban of commercial sunbeds in Australia. The skin is the bodies largest organ so it’s important to take care of it as best we can. The charity also recommend regular self examinations can help lead to an early diagnosis and in turn increase chances of successful treatment.
The most common sign of melanoma is the appearance of a new mole or a change in an existing mole which can occur anywhere on the body. In my case, I had a suspicious mole removed form my neck in 2005. The NHS website has a handy guide on what to look out for which is detailed below.
Asymmetry – the two halves of the area may differ in shape
Border – the edges of the area may be irregular or blurred, and sometimes show notches
Colour – this may be uneven. Different shades of black, brown and pink may be seen
Diameter – most melanomas are at least 6mm in diameter. Report any change in size, shape or diameter to your doctor
Elevation or enlargement – some melanomas increase in size and may then become raised above the surface of the skin. Sometimes the mole can remain the same size and the area around or under it can appear to swell.
Follow Melanoma UK on twitter to find out more about Melanoma Awareness Month. It’s not ‘just’ skin cancer.
Over the past ten days I’ve started to notice a major change since the end of my cancer treatment. After approximately six months of being free from Immunotherapy, I’ve finally started to feel less fatigued, or at least I think I have!
I recently had a couple of weeks off work, which allowed for some much needed down time; it culminated in a trip to the Isle of Wight to see one of my friends get married. It was a fantastic weekend, full of sunshine and dancing and on the evening itself I didn’t get to bed until the early hours! I couldn’t tell you the last time that happened, and I’m not sure I could’ve done that a few months ago! The day after the wedding I felt exhausted, but in a different way to after hospital treatment. I felt really tired, but it certainly felt different to the extremely fatigued, glazed over sop-you-in-your-tracks feeling that I have been so used to. It was a great realisation that perhaps the long term effects of receiving cancer treatment might be fading slightly, therefore allowing me more room to breathe. Once I’d caught up on sleep, I felt really happy I’d danced the night away.
Despite feeling as though I have more of a spring in my step, I still feel broken by everything I have been through, and I know that feeling will never go away (or at least not easily). Over the past two years I’ve seen three different counsellors, had CBT and now take regular antidepressant medication and I am not sure my mental health will ever truly recover.
No matter how hard I try, I still have days where I am completely exhausted by the whole process of just living my life. It’s hard to navigate in this new world I’ve suddenly found myself in, I’m still baffled that I haven’t been to go to the GP in the past month. It’s literally blown my mind! This must be what other people feel like?!
I still live in constant fear of disease reoccurrence and I have frequent dreams about my demise, include finding out I have another brain tumour, or being in constant abdominal pain due to another bowel tumour. Sometimes I wake up and It takes me a moment to two to realise it wasn’t real after all. I don’t want cancer to define me, but it has been such a huge part of me that I am finding it hard to separate my life with cancer and my new regime without treatment. This is what I have dreamt and hoped for, but it’s much more difficult than I ever imagined it would be. I hope that in time I can start picking up the pieces of my shattered existence and start taking small steps forward again.
I haven’t written on much on my blog recently as I’ve been trying navigate in the new world I’ve recently found myself in, and hoped a blogging break would help me to feel less like cancer is still ruling over my life. I do think it has helped, but I also find writing is a little like therapy, and helps in a similar way to my counselling sessions.
I have a busy month ahead as I am due to celebrate another birthday in a couple of weeks. All birthdays are milestones for me, and I am very happy to be turning the glorious age of 32. My situation has changed beyond comprehension in my 31st year. Having been diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma with metastasis in my brain and my left lung at 23, it was a shock I made it to my 25th birthday, let alone my 30th a couple of years ago. I also never thought in a million years I’d seen the younger members in my family grow up, but two are about to enter into the adult world, and we had a new addition join our family at the end of last year, which has been life changing. These are life events I never thought I would be alive to see, and when I think about it, this makes me the happiest. I know I need to keep reminding myself of how far I’ve come and try to use this to my advantage.
I hope my energy levels continue to increase and get more plentiful as time goes on. I’ve already got the date for my next PET CT scan in July, so I am hoping and praying i continue to reap the rewards Pembrolizumab has offered me so far.
Over the past couple of weeks there has been a lot on social media about a recent campaign by Marks and Spencer and Fashion Targets Breast Cancer to help raise awareness and funds for breast cancer research. It certainly raised a few eyebrows and the general feeling was it massively missed the mark. Understandably, there have been many people speaking out about this on social media.
Marks and Spencer are donating 30% of the purchase price of tote bags and t-shirts to help raise vital funds for Breast cancer research. That’s no small change, however It appears that on this occasion they seem to have painted a unrealistic image of cancer through the media, including the use of celebrities in their campaign, and have been criticised for completely missing the opportunity to use real women living with cancer in the campaign, of which there are so many spreading such valuable messages on Instagram.
I do agree with this in part, however we cannot tell if someone has been affected by cancer just by the way they look, I am a stage 4 patient who was having immunotherapy every 3 weeks until very recently, but I look well on the outside. The same goes for the celebrities, perhaps they have friends or family members who have been unfortunate enough to be diagnosed with cancer. Part of me believes that If seeing one of the Marks and Spencer adverts, or even an instagram post from a celebrity about the campaign means women pay attention to their bodies and it gets people talking, then they have done something positive.
I agree the slogans ‘two is stronger than one’ and ‘good things come in twos’ are insensitive and could have been thought out better. It’s clear the campaign has caused offence and upset, which was not the intention at all. It would seem this does not translate well when you’ve had a mastectomy, whatever the intention, and I don’t blame people for being upset.
Marks and Spencer are raising money for a hugely important and valuable cause and sadly, I feel the message of this campaign has been lost with all the commotion. The campaign invites people to dress in solidarity, and champions strong friendship. They missed the mark, but I believe this is a good catalyst for a better conversation about these sort of campaigns, and fingers crossed it is something that is considered better in the future.
After the initial backlash, Marks and Spencer then posted patient stories on social media and on the Fashion Targets Breast Cancer website. I agree that they should have led with these stories in the first place as it feels more powerful.
The campaign seems to have fulled some fire about breast cancer getting a lot of coverage in the media compared with other types of cancer. I am not sure why this has all become a game of ‘which cancer is worse’. All cancer is horrific, it is awful no matter what stage you are diagnosed. Yes I’d like other cancers to get awareness, I know charities like Melanoma UK don’t get enough attention, and I’d certainly like to see more information out there about other cancers too, but it doesn’t mean the funds and research for breast cancer charities are any less important.
This was a prime example of the strength and impact social media can have, and the campaign has led to the development of True Cancer Bodies a patient led campaign that put all cancers at the heart of its message. Seriously well done to all those involved! Of the 20 people in the campaign many different types of cancer were represented, including breast, bowel, liver, lung, colon cancer and Hodgkin’s lymphoma. The aim is to enlighten the public as to what cancer really looks like, and I think they have done a great job.
I’ve always said that having cancer is like being in a members only club you don’t want to be part of, but this has shown how the cancer community has come together to try to make change for the better, so long may it continue.
A few weeks ago I had my first PET CT scan since adopting a ‘watch and wait’ approach to my cancer treatment earlier in January. Although I had to wait almost a month to see my consultant for the results, I am thrilled to report that all has remained stable.
I feel like this a major hurdle I’ve somehow manage to navigate. Naturally, every scan makes me anxious and scared, but this felt different as It was first time in years I’ve had a scan whilst off treatment. It’s the first time since I stopped doing anything to help my melanoma remain stable. No longer doing my bit by going for Immunotherapy is hard to get my head around, but as they say, no news is good news.
I am still feeling very fatigued, but as many people have pointed out to me I have an active social life and a busy full time job, so there is no doubt in my mind these are contributing factors. Often it feels like 10 hours of sleep a night is not nearly enough, so I probably need to reign it in a bit. It’s hard to find the time to see friends, family and work a 40 hour week, but I often feel like others around me manage it! I know my next few weekends are quiet and I have some annual leave coming up soon which is a blessing as I can spend some much needed time chilling out, watching Netflix, getting up late and doing small things like sorting out my wardrobe, and putting photos from my summer holiday trips to America and Thailand on my laptop and getting some printed; something I’ve promised myself I’d do for months, but I’ve never felt I had the time.
I’ve also been relatively quite on my blog of late as I’ve tried to settle in to my ‘new normal’ and readjust to my routine (or what feels like a lack of routine altogether!) and in all honesty, I’ve been too tired when I get home from work to write a post when I don’t feel I’ve too much to say. I’m just trying to get on with my life, which is a good thing, and exactly what my Oncology team have been telling me I need to do.
I’ll be celebrating today’s win with an early night and attempt to carry on my ‘new normal’ life until my next scan in the summer.
Being treatment free is still very new for me, and I’m slowly trying to push myself to do more in the hope that my energy levels will increase.
On Saturday 18 May I am taking on The Big 10 Urban Trek to raise funds for Trekstock, one of the charities that is close to my heart. As people who regularly read my blog will know this charity has provided me with a lot of support over the past 2 and a half years.
The Big 10 Urban Trek is a 10 mile walk through London from Greenwich Grind to Frame Kings Cross and I’ve managed to rope in a couple of friends along the way and we shall don our walking boots once again!
The trek celebrates the 10th anniversary of Trekstock and aims to raise £34,000 to support the 34 young adults diagnosed with cancer every day in the UK.
This is a blog post I never thought I would write, I’ve been keeping some news to myself over the past 12 weeks, which is a pretty big deal. I am no longer receiving Pembrolizumab on the NHS. For now, I have finished my chemotherapy and am treatment free and am adopting a ‘watch and wait’ approach.
I am no longer making the trip to Leicester Royal Infirmary every three weeks for Immunotherpy and am now on surveillance. After receiving various treatments over 4 and a half years I have now press pause on this part of my cancer journey. This means I will have regular scans to check for disease progression and wait to see what happens, and make a decision about future treatment when the cancer returns.
For me, being told my stage 4 cancer diagnosis meant I’d likely live for 18 months back in 2010, It’s difficult to know how to process where I am at right now. This remains even more difficult to explain to others, and I am sure there will be many reading this blog post who will ask how and why this has happened. Some my query the status of my health, does this mean I am cured?! Sadly not, but for now at least, it appears that my melanoma is under control and my last few scans have appeared to show little or no evidence of disease present in my body. Melanoma is hiding away for now, however, it is an aggressive cancer so I really don’t know for sure what could happen later down the line. All I am able to do for now is to attempt to live in this new world and continue my day-to-day life, in the hope it’ll be a really really long time until I have to resume treatment.
I am simply waiting, and taking things one day at a time, as only time will tell if and when my cancer will return. I have been on ‘watch and wait’ earlier in my stage 4 journey; after surgery to remove my lung tumour in January 2011 I remained disease free until May 2014. I still had the occasional subcutaneous lump crop up somewhere that was surgically remove, but for the most part was considered NED (No evidence of disease).
Pembrolizumab has been my life line over the past two and a half years and 40 odd cycles later I am going solo. For me, this is incredible news that until just before Christmas seemed like a total pipe dream. Immunotherapy is still so new, so it has been difficult to predict what the future holds with limited data on treatments, and the likely effectiveness they could continue to have in the future.
To cut a very long story short, I visited my oncologist in November last year and he informed me that it was looking likely that The National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE) were planning on making some changes to how advanced melanoma is treated, specifically for patients who had been taking the drug for over two years and were currently NED. He explained that the current guidelines were set to change, which meant that if I stopped taking Pembrolizumab I could be re-challenged with the drug again if necessary in the future, therefore giving me a chance to have a break for the gruelling routine. This came as a huge shock to me, as it was the total opposite to what I had been told before. I have been living in the knowledge that I would be on the drug for the rest of my life, or until it stopped working, as I wouldn’t be able to take it again should I stop voluntarily and recurrence occur.
My oncologist told me that when the drug was first given on a trial basis eight years ago it was only given for two year, so I believe there might well be some people out there who are doing well six years post Pembrolizumab, but the data doesn’t go any future back. If so, I’d love to hear experiences of these patients. Naturally, I am sure the decision by NICE is also a cost saving measure, as it is so expensive to produce. I guess it works out cheaper for patients to re-challenge later down the line rather than be on the same drug for years on end. I am ok with this approach as long as I know I have options. When I first took Pembrolizumab in 2016 it was my only treatment option, but now there have been other drug developments in the field, meaning in the future I might not have to put all my eggs in one basket. It is petrifying, but I am hopeful there will be more positive change around the corner.
In late January, after a delay in the final decision I was told I would now be under surveillance. This was just two days before I was due back for chemo following a Christmas break. Being under surveillance makes it sounds like I am been threatened with as ASBO, or about to take an exam under timed conditions!
As my portacath is currently not in regular use it now needs to be flushed frequently. Right now I am unable to have it removed, I asked my oncologist about this and he said it should be left in for the foreseeable future and we might be able to discuss removal at some point down the line. Due to my hospital being far away from where I live this has taken longer that usual to sort out but hopefully my portacath will play ball at my scan tomorrow.
Over the last three months, the decision to stop chemotherapy has had a big impact on my mental health. This hasn’t come as a huge shock to me as I have felt as though a rug has been pulled from under my feet. All of a sudden the security that I once knew has disappeared and I am in uncharted territory. As much as I hate having treatment, I felt like I was doing my part to keep this awful illness at bay, but without it, I feel like I am going into battle without any armour. Surely I can’t just do nothing?!
I have been cautious not to mention this to many people, as the future is so unpredictable, but it’s now been 12 weeks since my last infusion and I am due my first PET CT scan tomorrow to check for any progression. This is the first time I have had a scan since early December, so I am keeping everything crossed the drugs are continuing to work after treatment has ended.
I’ve heard a couple of stories from people who have also stopped Pembrolizumab, but have done so in the knowledge they cannot be re-challenged. Apparently, it takes a few months to adjust, so unsurprisingly I haven’t felt better in myself as yet. I am waiting for some new energy levels to kick in sometime soon!
I still can’t believe I am not currently having chemotherapy, given all the negative things I have been told during my cancer journey it is a lot to get my head around. Despite everything, I know how lucky I am, even on days when I don’t feel good. I will never be completely rid of cancer, it will always be a huge part of my life, but for now things are ok.
I will update with my news once I’ve had my results in a few weeks.
I feel like I am under a constant storm of clouds right now, just trying to stay dry whilst chaos ensues around me. I’ve finally caught the cold I seem to always be on the edge of and I also have a chest infection so I’m feeling a little sorry for myself this week. I’ve been spending as much time as possible in bed, where I finished this post I’ve been working on for the past four days. Still, I’ve got a weekend away to look forward to which I am very excited about! I just want to feel well; like when I wake up in the morning I can tackle the day ahead, rather than struggle to get out of bed. Hopefully a dose of antibiotics will do the trick!
It’s been a year since I wrote my blog post Singles Awareness Day. As I am sure we are all aware, today is February 14th aka Valentines Day; this is a day when everyone focuses on love, relationships, red roses and pink heart shape gifts. Perhaps, if you are like me it makes you focus on the lack of the above.
The suggestion is always that one needs to be happy in themselves before looking for love. It’ll probably always be a challenge for me to learn to be truly happy and love myself (scars and all) before I can let my barriers down and let anyone else in. I need to feel better from the inside out, I’ve neglected myself a lot over the years and this needs to change. It’s not going to happen over night, but if I’m not happy in myself, I’m certainly not going to let a man get close to me. If I don’t feel proud of my achievements, how will anyone else? Self love sounds very cheesy, but if I cannot see the positives in myself others around me won’t either.
At 31, if you’re not settled down It appears as a society we question it. I think others must think there is something wrong with me, but there is! I have incurable stage 4 cancer! I still have single friends, but increasingly couples are settling down, moving house and starting families. Days like Valentines Day serve as a constant reminder I’m not at the same stage in life. My successes (staying well, managing to work full time) are not the same as my peers, these are a given for 90% of those around me, they are just ‘the norm’ for others. I’ve been told multiple times over the years that I am ‘not the norm’ and boy do I feel that now!
It’s time to stop being so harsh on myself, to stop judging; and stop putting myself under the microscope of never ending scrutiny. There is no point in comparing my life to that of my peers, we aren’t in the same place, and it’s not a competition.
It would be nice to feel like a relationship could be possible one day. As I always say, I would’ve liked the choice, but I feel its been taken away from me with my diagnosis. I know it’s even more unlikely if I don’t make some changes to my attitude. I’d admire the ‘like it lump it’ and ‘this is me’ attitudes of other cancer patients I follow on social media, but it’s just not me.
Perhaps I’ve met a man I could be with, but I’ve been too busy keeping barriers up and focussing on my health that I haven’t even noticed? The idea having a relationship still feels so unlikely; like a fictional version of my life that will never really play out into reality. Who knows! Despite how positive things are looking In terms of my treatment I feel deep down no one wants to be with a terminal cancer patient. In the back of my mind I feel I don’t deserve it because my cancer status doesn’t make me a worthy candidate.
To be honest, I wouldn’t even know where to start. For the past nine years I’ve put my body through so much, including multiple operations and some brutal treatment options which have multiple side effects and leave there own harsh physical and mental scars. Sometimes it’s too much to deal with.
In order to move forward I need to accept what I’ve been through, and hopefully learn to be happy in myself first and foremost. I am a huge worrier, I am am not sure I can be truly happy and content in myself when I often feel my body is trying to kill me. Every day I panic things will take a bad turn again. Cancer has magnified fears I didn’t have before, however It’s goes without saying that it has also highlighted the strength I can find within to keep going. I must stop beating myself up over my diagnosis and worrying I could have changed things. In this instance it doesn’t always feel like time is a healer!
Here’s to waking up tomorrow and feeling more over the weather than under it! And a happy goodbye to the Valentines gifts and paraphernalia for another year.
“Self-love is not selfish. You cannot truly love another until you know how to love yourself”
More often than not it’s difficult for people to find the right words to say to friends and loves ones who have cancer. It’s not easy to work out the right thing to say and sometimes it can come out wrong and offend people, even with the best intentions at heart.
Macmillan Cancer Support recently launched a campaign on their Facebook page to help raise awareness of the language used when speaking about cancer, in the hope to start a conversation and make it easier for those in the cancer community.
Even though I can often use this language myself it can prove problematic. I am not ‘brave’ because I have cancer, I have no choice in the matter, and I didn’t decide on the path my life has taken. It’s not something I would have gone into voluntarily, and trying to stay alive is not a choice. It’s isn’t as though I picking if I should have jam or peanut butter on my toast in the morning.
People telling me to ‘keep positive’ implies I am not allowed to show how scared I am, and therefore show weakness. I’ve been trying my best to positive for years, but do moments of sadness show that I am weak and negative? It took me a long time to accept I needed help in the form of antidepressants, and I think part of that is the expectation that just being positive would be enough to help me through. News flash: cancer doesn’t care if I am positive, or anyone else for that matter. Cancer doesn’t discriminate. Yes, It doesn’t wonders for my mental health to be in a good frame of mind, but this suggests those with negative mindsets die from cancer, or their symptoms will progress, and if a person keep positive they will one day walk free. Are the people who live the only ones that fight hard enough to stay alive? Wrong.
I am positive the majority of the time, but I have stage 4 cancer and there is no chance I will live my life without this burden, and I continue to learn to live with it. I am just getting on with my life, going to work, coming home and attempting to be normal (whatever that is!). I am doing the best I can, but sometimes the language used suggests I am just not trying hard enough!
I don’t look like a typical cancer patient and present; I have my own hair and am able to hide my portacath and surgery scars easily. When I explain my situation to new people they often seem shocked, maybe I don’t look ill enough to be a cancer patient? Especially a stage 4 cancer patient who has metastatic cancer that has spread to multiple organs. What does cancer look like anyway? Its not like an identity parade to spot a criminal. I don’t look disabled but I have a free bus pass and monthly disability benefits just the same as others who have a physical disability.
I might look well on the outside, but looks can be deceiving, so I always try keep in mind that I shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, you never know what’s happening underneath. If someone looks tired I’ll try to ask them what they’ve been up to, rather than tell them they look like they’ve not slept for days, it doesn’t aways help to be told you look crap!
I am not annoyed at others for saying something that might come across as insensitive, it’s not exactly straight forward and it all depends how I feel on any given day. Macmillan’s aim is to help change the way cancer is spoken about to make it better for those going through it. In the time is taken me to write this post I’ve seen two of their support adverts on television, so well done to Macmillan for continuing to raise awareness and helping others avoid a classic case of foot in mouth!
Since Christmas, I’ve noticed I’m in need of more sleep, perhaps In part it’s the cold winter weather and dark mornings, however I feel I have been fighting fatigue more than ever recently. It’s not ideal given that I had a chemo break over the new year, and in theory I should be feeling more awake and energised than usual.
I long for the day when I wake up and actually feel revitalised and refreshed from catching my z’s, rather than feeling like however much I sleep I get it’s never going to be enough. At the weekend I slept for 11 and a half hours, only to wake up get washed and dressed and go back to sleep. I’d slept for nine and a half hours the previous night so I can’t blame it on a lack of sleep the night before.
Everyone always tells me to listen to my body, but right now I feel as though it’s constantly running on empty without a way to refuel? Sometimes I’m so shattered that I practically spend a whole day in bed, I worry that I’m wasting the day away, this precious time whilst I am ‘healthy’ but feel like I have no choice! It is so frustrating being chronically tired, I think it often adds to my depression and negative feelings.
I’ve learnt there is a lot of power in taking a nap, but it’s certainly not the fatigue beating cure I’m searching for. Perhaps it makes things worse? Recently I’ve been going to bed around 9pm and sleeping for as long as physically possible, by the time 4pm comes around at work I feel like a zombie, struggling to keep my eyes open, I am done for the day and in need of a sugar hit to keep me going. At the weekends naps and a must, and I wonder how on earth I manage Monday – Friday without them. I sometimes wish my office had a little room where I could go and lie down for an hour.
Often, even though I’m exhausted, I have nights where my worries keep me awake and it’s difficult to settle, which make the following day even worse. Tiredness affects me both mentally and physically, and it can be really isolating as I am always envious of others who seem to have boundless amounts of energy. I often end up postponing or cancelling plans because I simply don’t have the energy. Having spent the past four and half years on treatment I don’t think I know what being awake and refreshed feels like anymore. I thought I’d gotten used to feeling this way but perhaps not if that past few weeks are anything to go by.
I know that keeping active can really help reduce tiredness, but it can also make me more exhausted, so I feel like I can’t win. Hopefully it’ll pass as the days get longer and lighter. I’m bored of being physically, emotionally and mentally tired.
According to reports, a combination of bad weather, post-Christmas financial struggles and failed new year’s resolutions make today the most depressing day of the year, aka Blue Monday. This is the day when we as a nation are supposedly the most miserable; the nights and long and the days are dark, and its still a week until pay day! Understandably, all these factors contribute to feeling a bit low at this time of year, however I read that the term was originally made up by a travel company as a gimmick to sell summer holidays a few years ago. Interesting!
As my treatment cycle takes place on a Monday, I’ve had my fair share of my own Blue Mondays over the past few years. My low feelings are not dictated by a formula, or specific date in the calendar so I’m not sure Blue Monday is as legit and some make it out to be, however it can only be a good thing if it encourages people to talk about feelings and therefore acts a chance to break down stigma and in turn raise awareness of mental health issues. I’ve made no secret of my struggles over the past few years, but more specifically over the last 18 months.
I’ve not written a blog post since the start of January, mainly because I haven’t felt like I’ve got much to say, but I’m also consciously trying to cut down on my technology and social media use, particularly during the working week. While social media is an incredible tool, sometimes aimlessly scrolling through apps doesn’t help my my mental state, and I am sure I am not alone in that. It’s certainly not one to help on a Blue Monday! As I wrote my previous post Goals For 2019, I am trying to shift the focus to doing more of the things I enjoy, such a cooking and socialising.
Yesterday I made two dishes for the week; a leek, potato and pea soup from a recipe by Jamie Oliver, and Deliciously Ella’s warming winter curry recipe. My week feels more manageable if I’ve done some prep which means I don’t have to come home and think about what to cook for dinner. I find the working week tiring enough! I’ve enjoyed doing a bit more baking recently and I also made some very questionable looking (but very tasty) cinnamon rolls. Baking was about the only activity I took part in when I was living back at home after I had my first operations to remove an brain tumour and lung tumour around eight years ago. It was something creative I could do without the need leave the house. Encouraged by my family, baking a cake gave me a goal to aim for and I found solace in this solo activity. The first recipe book I was a given was the Hummingbird Bakery Cookbook and I’ve gather a collection of books over the years, from Mary Berry, 15 Minute Meals to Part-Time Vegetarian to name a few. For Christmas I was given two new books, New York Cult Recipes and The Little Swedish Kitchen.
As well as being organised for the week ahead I’m going to go for a walk this morning to go to a local cafe on my way to the gym before going home to work. Nothing says Happy Monday more that a nice little treat too start the week. I know there will be plenty more Blue Mondays and down days to come, so making the most of the good days when I feel well in myself is really important.