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I have been trying to get everything put away at the new place. I have a lot of random junk. Well today is another one of them days... I catch myself day dreaming... Its you Georgie.
I sit here on my bed typing on my computer
hoping that someone else understands..
Last Friday I stopped the mail carrier lady, asking to get my mail out of my mailbox cause I am still waiting for mailbox keys
She fills my arms with random ads, mail, magazines, and etc.
There was alot of stuff for the previous renters.
Well there was one thing that was mine, and that was an update from the agency. Two post cards sealed in an white envelope. Due to that full mail box, the envelope was bent and so was the post cards. It upset me pretty bad. The smallest little things get me in my feelings. Im a work in progress. At the end of the day...
I know I made the best decision out of pure love for everyone involved,
but cause my mind knows I made such a decision...
My heart wont stop wondering!
I imagine the day when you decide to get married,
and have children of your own...
Nobody ever said choosing to place a child for adoption was easy.
The emotions that go thru each person involved are very strong and real.

I am fully aware that I have alot to still process about this whole journey,
My day will come, no doubt about it.
I wont be ashamed at all.
I need to feel these emotions, as they come into my life,
in hope that one day I can tell my story without crying.


I love you Georgina Anne! Not a day goes by that I dont think about you little one, you will forever be on mind. 
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Since saying bye to Georgie and the adoptive family, I feel like I have lost a piece of me. I'm unsure of the words to describe it. Well I have been holding them in. I moved into a new apartment on June 10, I had been waiting for the day. I had many memories at my old place, I needed a change. My boyfriend Cassidy and my dad were able to move all our stuff in a few loads. I had spent some time packing up my old place and going thru stuff, and after moving the first load, I began to notice I was hurting, physically. I thought it was from moving. I hadn't been that active in a long while. Well it got bad, high fevers, extreme body aches, couldn't lift or move my right lower leg, and vomiting. I gave it a few days, hoping for improvement. Well I called an urgent care near me to see if they took my insurance and found out I had no health insurance. Something clicked inside me and I knew I needed medical attention, i felt horrible. I assumed it was a kidney infection, and it sure was. My potassium, magnesium, and sodium was very low. I had every test done you can imagine. MRI, CT scan, ultrasound, chest x-ray, EKG, and pelvic exam. Oh and blood drawn every 12 hours, which I hate needles. I am a complete baby when it comes to all that stuff. It was scary knowing I was that sick. The long term effects having low metabolites in the body, including damage to the heart.
I try to be the best mother I can to Alex and Natalie. While making sure I am doing my very best, I forget to take care of myself. If I want to be around to raise them, I need to take care of myself and make sure I am in good health. Well as usual... Life happens
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I seen this poem on a website and it has stuck with me since.

How could I feel you kick inside me,
How could I watch my belly grow.
How could I carry you, give you life,
And ever let you go?
Because I love you.

Why, if it hurt me so badly,
Why, if I really do care
Why did I place you with somebody else
If I know I can’t always be there?
Because I love you.

When I see you my love, my soul feels light,
When I miss you my heart is so sad.
When I think of your family I remember again,
Why I gave you your mom and your dad.
Because I love you.

Where will I ever find solace?
Where will I ever find peace?
Where will I ever find strength to go on?
These four little words make the anguish cease,
“Because I love you”.

What if, one day, you ask me, “why?”
What can I ever say
What will help you to understand
That I placed you, but think of you every day?
Because I love you.

Who could give you the life you deserve?
Who, if that person’s not me?
Who could love you as much as I?
The parents I chose for you, it’s easy to see
That they love you.

Your family who loves you,
And my family too,
So many hearts that beat
Just for you!
Your story is perfect,
It’s perfectly flawed.
Your story is special
And always remember, this path I have trod
Is because I love you!
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Alex, Natalie, and Henry!
Heart to Heart Adoption Agency sets up a dinner usually the night before the birth mom is scheduled for an induction. Since I had Georgie early, we had dinner April 6, 2019. I wanted my dad and Shelley to join us as well. Patti picked up me and the kids, and my parents met us there. It was cute, in the middle of eating my son Alex says, "Hey Mom, they look just like they do in there book." It made us all laugh, It was important to me that they were able to meet my children. They gave Alex and Natalie a book called, "Goodnight Connecticut." Also, a lamb stuffed animal. Georgie has one too and she will include it in the picture updates I get so we have an idea how big she is getting. When I got home, I face planted on my bed crying my eyes out. I had no idea what to expect from this day forward...
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I'm struggling, I won't deny it.
The words to describe how I feel... 
I feel a bit lost, not sure how to describe it exactly.
My heart hurts, even though I know Elizabeth and Andy can give you a better life than I can, that might be what hurts.
My need to parent is being met, I have two other children. 
It is very difficult to grieve a person who is still very much alive. 
They say out of sight, out of mind... but I can't stop wondering.

Grief will be a part of my life, forever, since placement.
At times it's overwhelming.
Other times it's a dull ache, consistant in the back of my mind.
Grief for the loss of my child.
Grief for what could have been.
Grief for the memories I'm missing out on.
I know it, I feel it.
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I found out last night that i am pregnant... Unfortunately, I am not happy about it. 
I am not doing anything productive with my life at this time.
I am a single mother of two children who is relying on state assistance to provide for them. Due to lives circumstances, neither one of their dads are involved in their lives. 
My son Alex is 7, his dad lives in New Mexico with his family. My daughter Natalie is 2, her dad is around town but we don't hear from him. I had two abortions already, and i think this is going to be my third. The dad has 8 other women who he has children with, i don't want to be the 9th. He isn't involved in any of their lives, and is about to go to jail any day now. 
I just made an appointment at Planned Parenthood for the 72 hr consent class that's required before you can schedule to have to abortion done. I believe i am not that far along yet but we will see...
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When I signed the reliquishment papers I wrote that I wanted frequent updates about medical stuff while they were in Utah. Elizabeth was very good about it. Georgie needed surgery to connect her esophagus to her stomach and fix her trachea. They did the surgery and it went well. Since her skin was so saturated due to her being in my belly and not being able to swallow or digest anything, her wound would not heal on its own. They had to do some sort of packing it with skin cells or something, but eventually a week before she got out I was told it had finally closed. Since she was so large when I delivered, the doctor had to help get her shoulders out. So her left shoulder has nerve damage and she cant move it. Elizabeth does some exercises with her helping her move it. They said she could get anywhere from 60-100% movement back with it eventually. Well about a month into her stay up at the NICU they found out their was a leak in her esophagus, which needed another surgery to fix. Well by the time the surgery date came, Rhinovirus had gone around in the NICU so she couldn't get it done. Since she wasn't being able to eat and her esophagus was leaking, they had to put a G tube in. She will get all her feeds thru the G tube for 6-12 months. The adoptive family are amazing people, and I know they will take the best care of Georgie.
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I was able to get some much needed rest. I woke up feeling anxious, sad, hurt, scared, happy, but aware of what was going on. Dr. Colby came in at 6:30 am and gave me clearance to go home today. Patti got there first with some breakfast. Shortly after, Bonnie came and it was time. We had to make sure i hadn't taken narcotics within 4 hours of signing, so we had to bypass 20 minutes. The paperwork was very detailed and once you sign, there is no going back. I knew I was making the right decision, and you would have so many more opportunities with these amazing people than I would be able to give you growing up. After signing, I was discharged from the hospital. I went home to get some rest, and be with my family. 
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I went to the doctors today and the ultrasound measured you bigger than you should be. She also noticed an increase in my amniotic fluid from the last ultrasound. My placenta has moved in the right direction, and is now only partially covering my cervix. I was super happy to hear that. Dr Colby stressed the importance of me eating healthy once again. He said to watch my carbohydrate intake. The more carbs I eat, the bigger you will get. If a baby is over 10 pounds, then its a mandatory C section. 
After my appointment, I drove to the office to meet Patti. That’s where I chose to do the conference call. Patti mentioned we could just do a three way with them, but I didn't want to be distracted by my kids while talking to them. I asked Patti to do the talking, cause I was super nervous and I barley have a voice cause I am sick. We came to the agreement that if I like them and want to be matched with them to give her a thumbs up during the conversation. Elizabeth and Andy were both home for the call. Some of the questions I asked were...
Where they lived? their profile didnt say where exactly. 
How many kids they wanted?
Why they chose to adopt?
How recent their profile was created?
How long they have been waiting to adopt?
Will they vaccinate?
Private or public school?
 Elizabeth did most of the talking, but Andy answered some of my questions too. There wasn’t a moment of awkward silence and their answers were perfect. I gave Patti a thumbs up! She asked them if they wanted to come to Utah in April, and they said yes! I was so happy and excited, I couldn’t help but cry. We all cried, even Patti.
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Life flight medical transport
It was about 9 o clock the head nurse came in to tell us what was going on with you. She said you were born with Esophageal Atresia & Tracheoesophageal fistula. When they tried to pass a tube from your mouth to your stomach, it was ending in what formed like a pouch. They informed us about 1 in 4,000 babies are born with it. It is a birth defect, and there was nothing I did that caused it. They let us know that the life flight team from Primary Children’s Medical Center was on their way to medical transport you up there. She said they would bring you by the room so I could see you. I ate my breakfast while we waited. I called my dad and let him know everything, he said he was already on his way to the hospital. I wanted Elizabeth and Andy to know. Patti tried calling but wasn’t able to get in touch with them cause they were on the airplane. I was worried about Elizabeth and Andy coming to the hospital I delivered at, expecting a healthy baby to be there, and then having to let them know what happened. She let me know Lisa was trying to get in touch with them and to stop worrying, everything would be okay.
I love you baby girl\
The nursery called the room letting us know the life flight team was on their way to the room. We opened the door and there they were. They had you laying on your belly, hooked up to everything you needed. The nurse opened up the side and let me hold your little hand. I was having so many thoughts go thru my mind at that time. One of the ladies gave me a shirt for you from the life flight team. Patti asked her to explain to us in more detail what it was you were born with. She was able to give Patti a lot of information on what it was, and what procedure you would need in order for them to fix it. My dad was able to see you before they had to go. Patti took a few pictures for me, I kissed your hand, then they had to take off. 

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