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Introvert Playground by Ginny Brattle - 3M ago

dad loves telling the story

of when i was 2

and tried to put my finger in the electrical socket.

he grabbed my wrist

and smacked the back of his own hand

and i burst into tears.

“it was as if i really hurt you,” he says, laughing. “lemme tell you

you never got near those sockets again.”

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Introvert Playground by Ginny Brattle - 3M ago

in and out of doors

should be attached to alarms

laugh because they’re not

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Introvert Playground by Ginny Brattle - 3M ago

i remember

rotting in the recliner

dying in front of TBS and FOX

watching spongebob just because it was something

something

new

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Introvert Playground by Ginny Brattle - 3M ago

“i used to make pizza,” he said once

when i was making pizza.

“down the club.”

“oh yeah?”

“yeah. the dough was only like a dollar from Roma’s

and then the sauce from the store was pretty cheap too.

i wish i remembered the recipe.”

he left. phone call

and i was left to stare in disbelief at the oven.

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Men
Introvert Playground by Ginny Brattle - 3M ago

owen and jim are absorbed in whatever

jim’s working for like,

an insurance company?

and he’s getting annoyed at his boss asking him to order his groceries for him.

jim has the body of a man when he wants it.

when he’s playing dungeons and dragons

you believe he would really use a sword to kill.

when he’s just being himself

you doubt whether he’d know which end to hold.

for such a big dude

with such a well-kept beard

he’s rather immature

when he can afford to be.

i couldn’t tell jim this stuff. he wouldn’t get it.

he’d be too awkward

and then run off.

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Introvert Playground by Ginny Brattle - 3M ago

Once at camp

(2 weeks long)

a girl admitted she was jealous

because i always had mail

and she never got a single letter.

sure, i said

but they’re nothing.

it’s my stupid grandmother

writing page after page

a letter a day

about nonsense.

the first few i read

but the rest i didn’t open.

all those pages of indecipherable cursive did was get up my hope

that thomas had finally sat his skinny ass down

and written me.

(i found out later that his skinny ass

was busy cheating on me

but whatever)

but they’re still letters,

she said.

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Introvert Playground by Ginny Brattle - 3M ago

he’s mad because i slept with someone while we were in the process of breaking up

and in an open relationship.

I’m mad because he went on a date with someone 5 days after we broke up

we’re both mad, but we’re both in the wrong

and none of it matters, because we’re already broken up

but that doesn’t stop our screaming

and it doesn’t stop me daydreaming about it years later

getting flustered in college lectures

restructuring dead arguments

perfecting my points

as if i’d ever get another draft.

i still don’t know who was more right.

all i know is i’ve never yelled louder.

i scared myself.

i haven’t yelled like that since.

i always catch myself

promise myself my worst lies in him.

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Introvert Playground by Ginny Brattle - 4M ago

“i used to make pizza,” he said once

when i was making pizza.

“down the club.”

“oh yeah?”

“yeah. the dough was only like a dollar from Roma’s

and then the sauce from the store was pretty cheap too.

i wish i remembered the recipe.”

he left. phone call

and i was left to stare in disbelief at the oven.

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Introvert Playground by Ginny Brattle - 4M ago

if i was a character in a novel

my “surface” journey is easy to figure.

i would be working to get out of this abusive house

and settle myself into a healthy life.

my “inner” journey

would be to get myself out of my abusive mindset

and ease my anxiety

and grow as a person

into a confident young woman

i’m still caught in the rising action, i guess.

the resolution is  a   whole     plot       line           away.

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For 2018 I decided to write a bullet journal, which obviously didn’t last long. However, I liked looking back on the 10 or so pages I did do. They were all goals. Books I should read, movies I should see, things I should do. A list of friends I had already, as well as space to write in new friends I make along the way. I liked crossing out the boxes I drew about a year ago. I didn’t get to them all, but I got to quite a few.

On one of the pages, I wrote: Word of the Year: Renaissance.

I think I did quite a bit of that. Renaissance means “rebirth,” as I learned in 7th grade history, and I did try to be “reborn” as well as I could. Things truly have changed, and I do have a totally new life.

For 2019, I think my word of the year will be “Release.” I have changed my life for the better. Now, it is time to let go of all the pain of the past.

It is going to be a challenge, but a worthy one. I want to be able to forgive and forget, to move on, to let it go.

Hm. Let it go. I teared up the first time I saw that scene from Frozen. I watched it over and over until I knew all the words–and I was about 17. I was so inspired that this person could, well, let it go. Move on past her pain and her depression and her awful parents. Maybe she’s a good role model. A little “basic bitch” to look up to a Disney princess, but whatever. I’m done adjusting my personality to fit the molds of others.

I need to stop indulging in escapism and bottling up. I need to learn how to feel my feelings, acknowledge them, and let them go. I need to learn how to let go, how to move on, how to accept that people don’t change and things don’t change and all I can change is myself. I want to be able to let it all go. I want to be able to have my mind free of worry, both about the past and about the future.

My worrying is the biggest threat to my life. It threatens to ruin job and relationships all the time. I need to get a hold on it, and the best way to do that is to learn how to release.

Release. 2019. Release.

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