I am an Asian-American in mid 30’s who immigrated to US at young age living in a major metropolitan city in America. I have a strong identify in a queer culture as a gay male and have been dating since high school. For the past 20 years,I have collected stories of many dates and sexual encounters I have experienced. I created this blog
Last year, I was chatting with a guy on Grindr who had a shirtless profile photo and seemed pretty decent looking. Our conversation super shallow. It went something like“hi, how are you. Good and you? Good. That’s good….”
He didn’t put his age on his profile, but I believe he was in his 40’s. He had a bald head with blue eyes that were too small to be noticed.
We decided to meet for drinks on a Sunday evening at a neighborhood pub. I didn’t think it was a dinner date so when I arrived, I sat at the bar. However, he ordered a turkey sandwich AND a pumpkin pie, while I drank my apple cider (It was in November) and uncomfortably watch him eat a meal. I ain’t gonna lie, I wanted a piece of that….. the pumpkin pie I mean.
It got really bizarre when he stood up at the bar seat and had the bar stool pulled out so far, it was blocking people walking by, and he just stood there. He talked about his back pain and needing a massage. I think he was hinting for me to massage him like a power bottom with ass up in the air.
He also mentioned that he is a Reiki master and offered to do Reiki on me. It seemed too sleazy and I just wasn’t having it. I didn’t even order a third beer and as soon as he took the last bite of the pumpkin pie (without offering to me at all), I asked for the check and pretty much took off running with dust cloud behind me.
And of course, I see him at the gym all the time now. And judging by his work out routines, he didn’t seem like he was suffering from back pain.
On Halloween night of last year, to prevent overeating Halloween candy, I got on Tinder and madly swiped for hours. I saw a profile photo of a cute guy with blue eyes and a warm smile. Immediately, I swiped right then I heard that “broop-bing” match the sound. You all know that sound that makes your endorphins going like a Pavlov’s dog.
Compared to 400 other matches, Doug and I actually chatted, which lead to the next level of swapping phone numbers, and even went far as meeting up for coffee.
Doug is a 44-year-old super pale white guy who is like 6 foot 5 tall nerdy type. When I arrived at the coffee shop, he was reading a book drinking a pour-over coffee.
He primarily lives in the west coast working in Silicon Valley and has a second home in town. I sort of picture him being a millionaire with multiple properties, which is somewhat intimidating to me.
We talked about our negative views on current reality TVs, big corporate industries, particularly the tech industry, which he clearly had a passion for. Every time he was about tech shit, he’d scrunch his eyebrows as if he was thinking about something so perversely intense. I once dating a guy, Aaron, who did similar with his hands. Read about Aaron here: Sexual Chemistry.
He was in a transition period where he wanted a simpler lifestyle. He enjoys running and reading when he has free time.
He seemed like a nice guy and good looking, but I didn’t have much connection with him. We ended the coffee date with an awkward hug on the street. He did text me after to say it was nice to meet.
Why does it seem the Tinder match sound itself is more exciting than meeting that person? Like Halloween candy, we all want instant gratification but to plan out more than that seems like too much of an effort. It’s like candy crush game. You keep swiping to find a match and once you get to a certain level, you feel stuck and just give up.
I have been on a dating app called Chappy for a few years. It’s another dating app that is similar to Tinder, swiping right when the photo sparks joy.
What I like most about Chappy is it’s only for gays and mostly into looking for a relationship rather than just “fun” like Grindr.
There have been many matches on Chappy for me and some that are actually responding to my messages. But, for most, it’s radio silence when I message them.
One match was Mac, a 26-year-old fashion designer, cub’ish type with beautiful blue eyes, which contrasted well with his dark hair. He, like the rest of the gays these days, has facial hair that made his appearance age incongruent as his actual age. But I am trying to not judge.
Mac and I messaged each other for several days. It was more than “Hi. How are you?” “Good and you?” which seems to be the extent of conversations with most people on these apps. Mac and I even exchanged phone numbers and agreed to meet for drinks on a Sunday evening. I declined other social events I was invited to, spent all Sunday morning getting ready for the cocktail date. Mac offered to pick me up at 5 PM. At 4:50 PM, he messaged me to cancel, but rescheduled to dinner next night. I was disappointed and frustrated because I had another plan with co-workers the next evening. So I chose a venue close by, in case he cancels again, I can continue to hang out with my co-workers.
So, next night, an hour before dinner reservations, he messaged me to cancel saying he’s not feeling well. Having dates flake out last minute or even not showing up at all is all too familiar for me, unfortunately.
Read Mom > BF about a date who never showed up to dinner because he fell asleep and read Why did the rooster cross the road? another date who never showed up and never heard back from him ever again. (maybe he died? I still don’t know).
When Mac canceled that dinner plan, I could have sent him an angry FUCK YOU response.
Instead, I replied “Sorry to hear. hope you feel better.” My co-workers and I ended up having dinner at the restaurant I made reservations at, so it was a fun night despite Mac’s inconsiderate dating etiquette.
Now, many can relate that these dating apps and technologies have created monsters as it provides opportunities for people to be inconsiderate without having to do it face-to-face. I have been broken up on emails and text messages.
Read On My Own about a guy I dated who dumped me via text.
As I was going through all the matches on the Chappy app, which is over 100, there are so few who actually makes effort to connect and those who do I lose interest. As I review these matches and reflect dates (or so little of), I get more discouraged and hopeless, particularly when the Valentine’s Day advertisements are blowing up in my face every corner I turn. Chappy was not sparking joy. So I fucking deleted it.
We live in a time period which stories of bad guys doing bad things are constantly on the news. This atmosphere creates heightened society with “see something and say something” attitude. But it often causes more of an irrational fear for the society to sniff out bad guys and miss out opportunities of good guys.
This applies to my dating world. When these experiences happen over and over again, I tend to develop a high alert to protect myself. One incident was when I think I was video taped during some adult activities without my consent. Read Stranger Danger
All day, every day, we encounter people who are strangers to us and trying to develop some trusting relationships with people can be difficulty after these victimizing experiences. While I hope good things happen in my life, when it actually does, I get skeptical. And when things seem too good to be true, it actually is too good to be true.
About few months ago, I got a “tap” from Nathan on Grindr. He’s 27 with a clear face picture on his profile. I started to chat with him and he responded back fairly quickly. He even sent me more photos of his cute face. Though I was impressed that I can get cute guys too, one thought I had was ‘hot guys like him never massages me.’ We chatted for a bit and talked about meeting up. Then, he mentioned about getting assaulted in the past by someone he met on Grindr. He even sent me photos of his bruised legs. To make sure he can trust me and I don’t gay bash him or something, he asked me sign up for an online registration program by donating $2.
I never heard such thing and something about it sounded fishy. I Google searched this and there are several websites that looks pretty legit. But something about having to do that level of measure seemed like too much work to go out on a date. Then I just saw this warning messages from Grindr.
I never messaged him back and blocked him on Grindr.
About a month ago, I downloaded Surge dating app after frustrating experiences with other dating apps. A really cute guy messaged me. He is also in his 20’s who apparently is in military stationed in Serbia. He even sent me many photos of him in military uniform. The messages seemed like a real person but his English seemed bit strange.
Just as I was thinking ‘why is this cute 20 something year old messaging me and why is he so into romance?’ It just seemed too good to be true. So, I Google searched phishing stories on Surge app. Turns out, there are many stories, particularly about people in military service who is station outside of US being mostly scams to send them money. They tend to mostly target guys in their 40’s (which is me). I immediately blocked him and deleted the app too.
About 4 years ago, I started chatting with Keegan on Grindr. He’s a cute white guy who is same age as me. It was pretty flirty and he sent me some dick pics voluntarily, which I did actually enjoy receiving. We sexted for months then lost touch.
Few months ago, I was at a gay bar. An Asian guy and a white guy walked in (sounds like a start of a cheesy joke) and sat right next to me. They were both cute and I started chatting with them. Turns out they live in my neighborhood and they are NOT a couple. But white guy, Marshall, is married. They are friends who have been organizing an open studios event for neighborhood local artists and invited to Marshall’s husband’s art showing next month.
So I show up to this event last month and there was Marshall and his artist husband, Keegan. They, along with rest of the gay couples all over, are in an open relationship.
It is so rare that I randomly talk to cute guys at a bar but when I do, I constantly pick someone who is already in a relationship and I am getting irritated that I am not even in one to consider being open. When I am on the dating apps, at least half of the profiles are “married” and “open relationships.” And the singles are only looking for NSA hook-ups.
Am I a singled-out-single looking for another single guy to date? All the single ladies, put your hands up!
Her - Official Trailer (HD) Joaquin Phoenix, Amy Adams - YouTube
I just watched a movie called Her. It’s a romantic sci-fi drama film, written, directed, and produced by Spike Jonze. The main character, Theodore, develops a relationship with Samantha, an artificial intelligence through an operating system. He then loses interest when a mysterious existence became too much of a reality. Plus he was getting jealous of Samantha “seeing” other users. Love does make you do crazy things.
It is a bizarre story, yet it resonated with me, particularly with advancing technology for people to connect these days. For me, it started with AOL back around year 2000. Read the story about meeting Chris on AOL here: Fumbling towards Ecstasy.
Almost 20 years after Y2K threat, technology has advanced to instant message capabilities on a small little cellular phone that also has a system that follows your verbal instructions. Call me paranoid, but I think Siri listens to all my conversations and pulls ads on my social media feeds. But, I don’t want to contradict as I write my entire personal life stories on this blog for world to see.
Grindr, Scruff, Jack’d, Surge, Hornet, Chappy, Tinder, etc. are the now AOL, which allows you to instantly connect with other app users for dates, hook ups, and maybe even fall in love with an actual person, not an artificial intelligence that bitch Samantha.
Back in 2016, I chatted with this cute guy on Grindr. His name was Shaun, who was in his early 30’s white guy who worked in a local government office. We had a typical superficial chats with unsolicited dick pics from him. Then I decided to give him my number. He texted me and it got no where.
We even became Facebook friends, but never met. At one point, I noticed from his posts, that he moved out of of state. Then about a year ago, he moved back. At this point we still have not met in person.
About two months ago, I ran into him at a party. Not it was a party hosted by one of the biggest rice queens in town and there were full of gaysians. So guess who I run into there. Shaun!
Immediately we saw each other and said at the same time. “So we finally meet!” We had a dialogue that lasted about 5 minutes and he went on to other gaysians. Later that night he texted me to see if I wanted to go out.
When he was somewhat only existed on technology I was more interested. But, after all these years, we finally connect in person and I suddenly lost interest. It’s almost as if the anonymity made the relationship so much more intense and when the mystery is no longer there and now reality has hit, the thrill was just gone. Also, I realized I was just another one of his many gaysian interests.
Though technology is designed to help us live a more convenient life, I do think it’s destroying the interactive skills for people to connect. I feel like I am more disconnected than before.
Chelsea Does... Silicon Valley [HD] | Netflix - YouTube
Earlier this year, I was seeing a guy named, Martin, I met on Tinder. Read about Martin here: He has risen! Around the same time I met him, I matched with another guy on Tinder.
His is name is Brady, a white guy around same age as Martin. Brady is a professor who is on a leave for a year to write and do some consulting work. While we were messaging each other, he accidentally sent me a heart, an emotion message feature on Tinder. I got very excited to see this. Then he quickly rescinded the heart with “don’t be frightened! It was an error! I don’t just send around hearts! I obvi didn’t know how this thing works.”
Despite this mis-hap on the app, we decided to meet for drinks at a wine bar. We ordered a bottle of white wine and some delicious appetizers like artichoke & bean dip. We both double dipped the dip with the delicious bread.
We had great conversations about work, travel, family and his new dog. I thought the date went really well and he even drove me home, which ended with a passionate kiss in the car as he was dropping me off. What a classic date night.
Then few weeks after the date and limited contact from him, I get this messag from him.
Now, I was also double dipping and seeing Martin at the same time. So, I replied:
It’s always difficult to have these conversations to reject someone. Which is what I ended up doing with Martin also. I haven’t seen Martin since the message I sent him back then. But recently, I saw him at pride event hanging out a gaysian.
June was not only pride month, but it’s also a gun violence awareness month. According to Gun Violence Archive, there has been 28,723 incidents, 7,163 deaths, 13,582 injuries thus far in 2018. And there has been 155 mass shootings in 2018 so far, which Stoneman Douglas high school in Parkland, Florida was the largest after 17 lives were lost on Valentine’s day.
Even worse tragic shooting happened on October 1, 2017 in Las Vegas when a gunman fired on the audience at a concert using automatic rifles, which resulted 58 deaths and 851 injured. Gunman also died from self-inflicted gun shot wound and his motive is still unknown.
Around the time of Las Vegas tragedy, I met Simon on Tinder. He’s in his late 30’s, white guy who just moved in town as he travels for work in the US military. There is something so sexy about men in uniform and I definitely found him sexy.
Simon and had several dinner dates and had a great time, mostly sharing stories about traveling the world. As a civilian, I have zero knowledge about military world and I felt like our worlds were miles apart.
They say 3 topics you avoid on first date is money, religion, and politics. But I always find it amusing to have a healthy conversations about these in a way that comes from a genuine curiosity. Perhaps, it’s my comfortable communication style being in a mental health profession, which you talk about everything that is uncomfortable to talk about. Well, Simon and I talked about guns. I was curious about his point of view on gun control. He does firmly agree with constitutional rights of owning a gun but he does question why would any civilian need to have access to automatic rifles. I commented that I am scared of guns and he commented he is scared of crazy people. It’s clear that we are both against gun violence, but have very different angle of solution to this social problem.
In 3 days, America will proudly celebrate the nation and freedom we embrace. US Constitution outline the rights as citizens but I worry that we’re taking it too far. Freedom should be a privilege but not to abuse it. I feel so lucky that we have the freedom to have independent opinion and luxury to have access to knowledge beyond what the system teaches us. I also feel lucky to be part of diversity that makes us better country if we were to have a stronger bond. Instead of focusing on making people to change in order to adapt to my own values, freedom calls for better understanding about those who come from different walks of life.
While I fear guns, I think what I am more fearful is losing humanity. Instead of abusing right to bear arms, perhaps we all could use big hugs from gay bear arms. Also, read more about the Coalition to Stop Gun Violence and Gays Against Guns.
June is the official Pride month and many cities throughout the world is celebrating diversity. Whether you’re, L, G, B, T, T, Q, Q, I, A, A, P, # or whatever letters or alpha numeric characters you’re, people come together to make the world little bit better to counter the constant social medical posts and videos of feuds stemming from bigotry. It will be 50 years in next since the Stonewall riot, which gays in Greenwich Village of NYC sparked a movement of gay rights.
Thanks to those gays 50 years ago, a path was created that we are in now. Without them, none of the letters of LGBTTQQIAAP, will exist.
But, some have forgotten this historical context of why pride month exists. It has become a P&P scenes with lots of alcohol and drugs instead. I am guilty of that as I drank mimosas all morning and beers in the afternoon, then passed out by 8 pm. (which is exactly what I did yesterday). Gays LOVE booze and drugs. For some, too much. Perhaps to get rid of their undesired negative feelings. As we saw tragic news this week about Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, sadly, suicide becomes an option in severe cases. Read this blog about suicide awareness: 13 Reasons Why I wrote this blog.
About 3 months ago, I connected with a guy on Chappy. He is in his early 30’s with a cute smile. We made plans to have dinner one evening. As we greeted over checking out the cocktail menu, I asked him if he drinks. Now, this is a question I never ask, especially during first date, because default is everyone does. I didn’t expect him to say no. so it caught me off guard and I didn’t quite know how to proceed the conversation. It is very much possible that he’s a straight-edge, earthy-crunchy, organic-only type, but being a judgey person I am, based on his overweight appearance, I also felt confused about his non-alcohol consumption practice. So, my reaction to him was “that’s amazing.” He then openly explained that he is in recovery. I asked him more questions about his recovery to avoid having a disgust look on my face.
He talked about growing up in a very religious family and struggles with acceptance due to rejection from family based on beliefs and values inconsistent with his. This is a familiar theme and I can certainly relate to. He found alcohol as a way to manage the negative feelings and perhaps alcohol was the only thing that accepted him, in a world of rejection. He talked about his close involvement in Gay + Sober community to celebrate his sober pride. It was rather eye opening for me to learn that there is a community amongst gays which the mission is to support an alcohol free living.
He permitted me by reassuring me not to let him stop me from ordering a drink. So I shamelessly had a glass of wine. After the dinner, we said bye and I think we both realized we’re not a good match. Though alcohol thing is one factor to our different lifestyles, it’s even more than that. His relationship with alcohol is different from mine and I also have a relationship issues with peoples with alcoholism, after growing up in family with alcoholism. We just couldn’t find anything that would help us connect better.
Oh BTW, as we were walking out of the restaurant, I ran into Aaron. Read about Aaron here: Sexual Chemistry.
I know this blog somehow turned dark real quick so I will leave in a brighter way. As I was walking to the pride event yesterday, I overheard a young family of mom, dad, and their child who is probably about 5. They saw a big rainbow flag and the child was amused. Mom explained to the child that “well, you know how at school, there are kids who look different? All the colors of rainbow look different too, but when the colors all come together, it’s so much more beautiful.”
Justin Timberlake, Anna Kendrick - True Colors (Lyric) - YouTube
Did anyone watch the Royal Wedding? I watched some parts of it and just melted when I saw Prince Harry’s face.
Also, there is something so magical about Britain. For my 40th birthday, I gave myself a gift of a trip to London few weekends ago. It was my very first time going to Europe so I was excited and nervous. I went by myself. I find it very liberating and enlightening to travel alone. It gives me a sense of confidence to put myself way out of my comfort zone, literally so far from home. London seems like an easy way to dip my toes in Europe because they speak English. I navigated the streets and the “tube” systems really well and did all the typical tourist stuff, like hop-on-off bus tours, museums and changes of guards at the Buckingham Palace.
I also went out to several gay bars in Soho. There were so many hot diverse guys, including many gaysians. I talked to several guys and I found them all very friendly. One guy, Evan, is in his mid-40’s, an accountant, who lives in the city. He welcomed me to UK properly. By the way, why does everyone who speaks with a British accent sound so intelligent, pleasant and proper? I even encountered a junkie in the “dodgy” area of London and when he said “please sir, I really need help” it just sounded so kind and generous.
As I swooned over Evan’s British accent, he also taught me several vocabularies. One word I learned was pants. Apparently, they call underwear pants. I was initially confused when he told me about his pants fetish and after his explanation, I was less confused.
Evan invited me to his “flat” and I simply could not resist his offer when spoken in British accent. His place was incredibly modern, like an IKEA catalog. He offered me a drink, again, so proper with an impeccable manner.
After a brief (pun intended) discussion about his pants fetish, we had sex. It was probably the best sex in many years. After sex, we cuddled, talked for a little, then had sex again.
It’s not exactly Prince Harry and Meghan Markle love story but it was a marvelous time. I kept in touch with Evan since and hopefully we can connect again.