Hi! I’m Catherine. When chronic illness came into my life I wasn’t sure how my life was supposed to carry on, and for a while it really didn’t. I was stuck. I felt like I had lost everything that made me who I was.
Ten years ago today I stood in front my of high school graduating class at our commencement ceremony and I delivered the valedictory speech. I don’t remember what I said, just that I almost certainly said all of it too quickly.
I know that life doesn’t magically reset at the start of a new year, but I’m hopeful that in a year from now I’ll be writing about how 2019 was the year things finally changed for the better, remembering that better doesn’t always look the way we expect it to. And if not? Well then I'm hopeful I'll be able to say the same thing again a year from now.
When you’re sick for a really long time it’s really easy to feel like your body is working against you. As the years go on and more body systems start to fall apart, you feel like your body can’t do anything right. Your body is fighting you. Your body hates you.
For HPN Awareness Week I’m supposed to talk about what I want others to know about HPN. And I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to say positive things, like that I’m happy to be alive. Which I am.
But the truth is that I have HPN burnout.
Waking up is not as simple and straightforward as it sounds, however. Being awake is its own struggle. Because some days even though I’ve woken up from the nightmare, I’m still living in a bad dream. A lot of days, actually. Some days even a terrible dream.