Hi I’m Laura and I am currently disentangling my life of 8 years with a super-narcissist. This blog captures the story of my divorce, and gives a glimpse of the 8 years of crazy that I survived to get here.
I’ve been doing a great deal of reflecting over the past weeks since receiving the anonymous letter about The Narcissist in the mail.
At first, that letter launched me into action. I wanted to bring down The Narcissist, I wanted to help that young girl, and I wanted to help any future girls who could be hurt by him. Receiving the letter triggered an immense amount of guilt which was not mine to bear and that guilt combined with a need to take action launched me back into writing. I immediately posted here on the blog after almost a full year, and I also started officially writing “The Book.”
“The Book” is an idea that I started toying with in the early days of my recovery from The Narcissist… it’s an idea that was always there in the background scratching at me. I felt like receiving that letter was a sign from the universe that I needed to take action and do it… put my story out there in the world.
For the past three weeks, I’ve woken up every day at 5:30 am and spent an hour writing “The Book”. At first, I thought that this was going to be the last step in my healing process, the final thing I had to do to really feel like I had closed the door on that chapter of my life. However, my experience over the last few weeks has been that remembering everything that I’m writing in “The Book” is causing me to relive way too much of the past. I’ve been crying ALOT, remembering details of events that I had long forgotten and I even found myself needing to go back to my therapist to talk through some of the emotions again. Writing “The Book” left me feeling like crap.
I’ve realized through this process that the story of The Narcissist is a crazy story to tell, and one that I imagine, if done right, could absolutely be a best-seller. But, more importantly, I’ve realized that if I pursue this path of writing “The Book” I’m continuing to make this story My Story, and this is not the story I want to be known for. I don’t want more weeks and months of reverting to the broken and weak place I lived in for 8 years, and I don’t want a life where I am potentially publicizing, speaking about, and sharing these stories as part of my everyday. I’ve worked too damn hard to create a blissfully happy life without The Narcissist to make my life revolve around his story again.
This realization also marks an official end to DivorcingANarcissistBlog. I know I’ve been absent now for the past year, but today I am officially writing my final post. It’s been just about 3 years of blogging about my journey, and it is so crazy to look back on the early posts and see how broken, hurt, angry, and still somewhat brainwashed I was. It’s amazing to see how far I came through this process, and this blog was such a huge and important healing step for me. Being able to openly tell these stories in a judgement free environment and knowing that there were others who understood what I had been through was huge for me.
I will continue to make sure that these stories are available online as I imagine that they will still be helpful to someone out there Googling “I do everything wrong in my marriage” and “Am I crazy?” For those of you finding this blog after my final post, I hope that my story helps you find the strength that you need to change your own.
Out of the 75,000 words I have collected to-date in “The Book”, I’d like to leave you with my dedication section – because in my eyes, these are the most important words of them all:
First and foremost, to Mom, Dad and Stacey: You, more than anyone else have lived this story with me. You never gave up on me, even when I did everything humanly possible to push you away, and you were there with open arms the minute I came home. You have shown me the true definition of unconditional love, and I am so very appreciative that I have you in my life.
To Cathy & Jim: I am beyond appreciative of the help you provided me in Japan when I felt like I had no one else to turn to. You did everything you could to help remove me from that situation, and I am so grateful that you were there when I needed someone most. I’m sorry that I did not listen to your advice back then, it would have saved me from years of further pain.
To Leanne: You were the very first person to say “You need to write a book about this, no one is going to believe this shit!” You were the beacon of light guiding me out of the fog. Thank you for your guidance, your understanding, and the hours on hours of listening to these stories and helping me process what I have lived through.
To the readers of DivorcingANarcissistBlog: thank you for all of the support. Your comments, messages, and page views kept me going through my roughest times. Knowing that there was an entire community of people out there who understood this story on the deepest level let me know that I was never truly alone.
To P&J and S&W: Railroad Road was the most magical healing place I could have ever landed after living this story. You welcomed me into your family and helped me remember the things that I hold most dear in my heart. I will forever cherish the two years that I spent loving, laughing, healing and growing with you. Your family brought me back to myself and that is something I can never repay you for.
To my Gemstones: you are consistently the most positive influences in my life. Thank you for being the most GAFBB I have ever known. You are my sounding board, my biggest cheerleaders, the ones who continually challenge me to pursue my dreams, and I am so glad that I get to call you my friends.
To CJ : Thank you for reminding me that love should be fun and easy and safe. Loving you and being loved by you has healed the very last of the wounds left from this journey. Somehow, I’d live through it all again, as long as it means landing here with you.
Since I posted about the anonymous letter I received, I wanted to provide my readers with the same “closure” I have found on this story.
After receiving the letter, I was obviously worried for a few reasons – worried that this could be a scheme for The Narcissist to make contact with me somehow, and if that was not the case, I was worried for the young girl mentioned in the letter. Unfortunately the letter left me with no one to contact and feeling like there was nothing I could do to stop The Narcissist (a feeling I remember all too well.)
So, to put myself at ease, I started doing my own detective work. With the help of a few very awesome people, I landed on the missing person poster attached to this post and viewable here: http://api.missingkids.org/poster/USVA/VA18-2212/1/screen hoping to find Bailey Mitchka missing from Fairfax, Virginia.
I called the police number listed on this poster, and unfortunately it was a Friday evening so I was bounced around to several locations, unable to get anyone on the phone. I ended up emailing the crime stoppers tip line and left my information. Not satisfied with waiting until Monday for more information, I did some more detective work and made contact with Bailey’s family.
What I found out is heartbreaking, but not surprising at all. The Narcissist met Bailey when she was 15-years-old playing online video games (around the time that I first moved out of the house.) Over the next few years, he seduced her and brainwashed her. Her family says that she went from being a normal teenager to secluding herself from friends and family and trying to spend all of her time talking to The Narcissist. When her family intervened and took away her online gaming privileges, The Narcissist mailed her a burner phone so that she could continue to talk to him. When her family started sending her to weekly therapy appointments, she began lying to her therapist.
Eventually when The Narcissist had her brainwashed enough, he also convinced other gaming friends to help him “save” Bailey from the “horrible” situation she was living in. Bailey started telling gaming friends that her family was abusive, that they mistreated her, and that she needed to run away for her own safety.
The Narcissist and other gaming friends sent Bailey money and coordinated for other gamers to pick her up. At 17-years-old she ran away from home, two gaming friends picked her up and she moved into their home in a remote location in Texas. The Narcissist was soon there living with them as well. Bailey has not had any contact with her family since she ran away and will not even speak to her sister. She has deleted all of her former online accounts and has even changed her name to Bella.
When Monday finally rolled around, I was able to speak to the detective who worked on Bailey’s case when she ran away. He told me that they tracked Bailey to the remote location in Texas, but that the Texas police held up the interstate process, and by the time they were able to get the appropriate warrants in place, Bailey turned 18-years-old. Now she is a legal adult, making her own adult decisions, and there is apparently nothing that the police can further do to reunite her with her family. The detective also confirmed that there were never any complaints against Bailey’s family for abuse or mistreatment, and that as far as the police and child services were concerned Bailey was living in a safe and healthy environment prior to meeting The Narcissist.
I’m not going to lie, all of this information has been incredibly hard on me and I wish I never received the anonymous letter. I understand what the family was trying to do by sending it, but man this is tough.
So now, I can only hope that Bailey finds her strength and figures herself out before she wastes years under the spell of The Narcissist. I hope that she eventually realizes that The Narcissist is lying about his entire life and everything he preaches about himself. But even more so, I hope that she realizes that The Narcissist is lying about everything he says about her.
whichever name you are using today… I hope that you find this blog, and I hope that you realize the truth.
I’m three years out.
THREE YEARS OUT… and in the midst of my normal, happy, sane life I am reminded of just how far I have come in that time.
Yesterday, I received two anonymous letters in my mailbox. They were addressed to me with my maiden name, and mailed to my new home address. They had no return address. Inside each envelope was a card, with a folded sheet of computer paper inside.
These print-outs read:
“How well do you know “The Narcissist”?
Do you know he is a gamer?
Do you know he meets young girls on those games?
Do you know he has been talking to a 18 yr old girl for 3 years?
Do you know he mailed her a phone to manipulate her?
Do you know he convinced this girl to run away from home?
Do you know he is planning on marrying her?
Do you know he started talking to her when she was 15 and he was 30?
Do you know he claims his whole family is dead?
Do you know that “The Narcissist” is a child predator?
And there is so much more to tell….”
My initial reactions to reading this were quite a mix. At first at felt fear and vulnerability realizing that someone knew my maiden name, home address, and that I had previous connections to him. Then I talked through it with my person and realized that all of that can be found with about 15 minutes of Googling. Next, I felt sick. Sick to my stomach for this girl and for her family. Then, I felt an enormous pang of guilt. I sat on my kitchen counter sobbing to my person about how terrible I feel that I didn’t do more to send him to jail, to have his crimes documented, to do everything I could humanly do so that he could not do this to another girl.
Am I shocked by what is in this letter? Not at all. I am horrified that this poor girl was 15 years old when she fell under his spell. Someone that young is so impressionable, so naïve, so much easier to manipulate. It makes perfect sense that he would start targeting younger and younger girls.
Whoever sent me these letters did not leave any way for me to contact them. My only clue to any of this is that the postage mark on the envelope was from Boise, Idaho. My best guess is that the family of this girl is sending out these letters trying in any way that they can to reach out to people who might still have contact with him. I am sure they are desperate. I am sure they are scared…. and my heart is breaking for them.
I hope that somehow through the magic of the internet, that they find their way to this blog.
To whomever sent me this letter:
I do not have any contact with The Narcissist. I have not had any contact with him since our divorce hearing almost three years ago. I know personally that he is capable of all of the things you listed in this letter. I am so incredibly sorry for what you are going through. If there is anything I could do to help your daughter, I would. If you somehow find this post and find this blog, please reach out to me. I happy to share my story with you, I want to help.
I’ve always been a huge fan of poetry and used to dabble in writing it myself. I found that in the early days post separation from The Narcissist, I related a lot to the words of poets like r.h. sin. He has a new book out “I hope this reaches her too” which I think will resonate with many of you reading this blog.
I saw this poem pop up in a news feed and couldn’t help but think I wish I had read those words at some point in time. So now I share them with all of you… and I mean it.
I wanted to share it today, as I sit here on the other side of it all because I could have never even imagined how absolutely amazing the other side really is. I guess I always pictured a future life through some sort of messed up, Narcissist-infused filter. From where I was, I couldn’t quite picture what it would all look like to really remove The Narcissist from my life and find myself again. The road to get here was tough, there were times I thought I was making the wrong decisions, there were times that I relapsed in weakness, there were times where I thought I was absolutely crazy and I would never be “okay” again… but I just kept going.
The reality is that surviving in an abusive relationship (for a day, a week, a year, a lifetime) takes immense strength, courage and perseverance. The problem is that the abuser makes us feel like we are weak and pathetic and incapable. It takes so much inner strength to try to love someone who makes it impossible, it takes strength to bite your tongue and not say the things burning in your throat, it takes strength to hold it all together when everything around you is falling apart, it takes strength to walk on all that broken glass every day, it takes strength to hide the things that you are going through from the outside world. You have it in you already… you’re doing it already.
Another thing they do that really warps your perspective…. they make us believe that needing any support from others is a sign of weakness. That could not be farther from the truth. It’s hard to be vulnerable when you are coming out of an abusive scenario, and it takes courage to trust others to take that vulnerability and not use it against you. I would never be where I am today without the help of my village. My family, my friends who let me become a part of their family, my therapist, my sparring partners in martial arts, the people I’ve dated along the way…. I allowed myself to be vulnerable in different ways with all of these people… and that’s where the real healing starts.
I’m in a really happy place today. In fact, I’m pinching myself on the regular these days because I dreamt about being in this place through my healing journey and I finally feel like I made it. I am checking so many things off of my list, I’m travelling to places I’ve always wanted to see, I am buying my dream home, I have a great job, I am in love with someone who makes me truly happy. It’s all better than I could have ever imagined.
So read these words and know that I see you. I know your pain. I know the journey you face. And I know you are capable of doing it too.