Whether you are on board with it or not, online dating is increasingly becoming THE way for people to meet each other—and there are thousands and thousands of examples of couples finding true love through online dating to back that up. I found the love of my life on OKCupid, and many of my clients have found true love through this medium using sites such as Bumble, Match and Plenty of Fish. Research shows you have 3-5 seconds to capture a man’s attention in today’s online dating world—and your photo is the FIRST thing he will be looking at. And let’s be honest (and not have double standards): women do the exact same thing. Most of us check the image first, even if we do it unconsciously. And then… if we like it… we open and read the profile. If you are a smart and successful woman like the ladies I work with, of course you don’t want to change yourself for a man, or cake on the cosmetics if that’s not your style, or (heaven forbid) post a half-dozen photos of yourself making that weird “duck lips” face that’s plastered all over social media. But you DO wanna put your best foot – and face – forward. It all boils down to making sure that your best look represents the amazing, irresistible woman you are on the inside. With that in mind, here are six smart tips to grab a guy’s eye and get him to swipe right. 1- Have a killer profile photo This is super important because it is, quite literally, the first thing he’ll see when he is swiping. Don’t upload an iPhone photo with bad lighting because it won’t really show YOU. Instead, invest in hiring a professional photographer to take a few glam-casual, fun, and flirty photos of you. And if you are on a budget, no worries! Go to groupon.com, where you can often find discounted deals from photographers. Make sure you tell the photographer what the shoot is for, show him some examples that you have gathered online that you like, and ask for angles and poses that show your eyes and spectacular smile in the profile photos. 2- Only use photos of you Don’t include your girlfriends or guy friends – or even your cousin or mom – in the photos. Think about it: when you are on a blind date or at a party talking with a man who is interested in you, you don’t include your friends or family with you in that interaction. Your online photos fulfill the same function. What’s more, when you have another guy in the photo, it will make the men who are viewing it wonder who the guy is; and if you have a photo of your girlfriend in there, well… you just divided his attention between you and her! This profile is all about YOU. Once he knows you, he’ll start meeting your bestie, family and friends. (Now, if you wanna use photos of you and your dog or cat or horse, that’s totally fine because it shows your passion and interests.) 3- Use your recent photos This is super important. No matter your age – whether you are in your 30s, 40s, 50s or beyond – take pride in who you are and where you are in your life by sharing your current photos. This is so important for many reasons; but first and foremost, it’s so that when you show up on the date, he recognizes you! And if you do end up meeting in person, he’ll know exactly who he’s looking for in the crowd. You don’t want him to disappoint you by looking a lot different in person than in your photos, and I am a big believer in dating karma. (If I’ve heard it once from my clients, I’ve heard it 100 times: “His profile said he was 6’1”, but there was no way he was taller than 5’10”!”) So go with that Golden Rule pick pictures that really reflect what you look like today, not ten years ago. Be the open, honest person you want to attract in your life. 4- Share some activity photos but… Share photos of your favorite activities such as kayaking or hiking or dancing, etc. However, make sure your photos focus more on you and less on the scenery. If you have one photo of you taking up less space in the photo and the attention is on the action, that’s fine. Let’s say you are diving and you want to share that cool shot. That one photo is fine, but keep it at one and no more. The rest of the activity shots need to focus more on you. So if you’re an amusement park enthusiast, make sure that picture of you at Coney Island is a close-up of you enjoying a corn dog or funnel cake and not you as a small speck in front of the famous ferris wheel. 5- Photo quality is EVERYTHING Time and again I see beautiful women sharing photos that are low quality. Whether it’s bad lighting, blurriness, or subpar composition, you won’t do yourself any favors with a less-than-stellar picture. Make sure you stick with sharing photos that are of good quality. Again, this man knows nothing about you, so your photos and eventually your profile content are all he has to assess whether or not to contact you (or for example, if you are on Bumble, to like you or not). 6- Keep the selfies to the minimum Simply put, because he doesn’t know you, having a bunch of selfies might make a guy think you don’t have friends to take photos of you. (Remember, selfies aren’t the same thing as photos of you and you only. If you took the picture yourself, it’s a selfie.) And if that’s his assumption, he’s not going to going to click forward to find out you have a
When working with my clients, something I hear all the time is, “I really like this guy, but how do I tell him that I like him?” It can be challenging to let your guard down and put yourself out there when so much of what you’ve heard tells you to leave all of the initiating to him. Listen: men are not mind readers. Just like us, clear communication is the only way they are going to know what you want. So, if you’re interested in a guy, it’s important that you let him know gracefully and with confidence. So often women think they shouldn’t openly show their interest in a man because it will come off as looking desperate. Nope! That’s not true. You can totally let a man know how you feel about him without coming across as needy, high-maintenance, or like you’re chasing him. If you follow my work, you know I’m all about women being their most irresistible selves. I love it so much that I developed a whole coaching program called Irresistible Woman. (It’s definitely worth checking out if you want answers to all of your dating questions!) But in the meantime, here are four quick, easy ways for you to show the man you like that you’re into him while maintaining your irresistible status: 1. Compliment him As women, we’re used to complimenting each other, whether it’s visual like hair/clothing or behavioral (kindness, generosity, etc). It comes so naturally to us, but men don’t typically walk around the office saying, “Hey Mike, love your glasses!” Men just don’t get as many compliments as women do. Compliments are a graceful form of flirting; it’s a subtle way of showing him that you’re into him, and being specific about the feature that’s catching your attention makes it even more effective. For example, you could tell a guy, “I love how that shirt brings out the color of your eyes. It looks great on you!” You can get some additional ideas on how to flirt like this by watching my Dating 411 video on 6 Ways to Flirt Effectively. 2. Practice active listening Listening is a very simple, powerful way of communicating to a man that he’s got your attention, and it’s an essential part of any successful relationship. Go beyond just hearing and actively listen to what he is telling you. You can say something like, “So I’m hearing that you…” and then repeat back what you heard him say in your own words. This action will show him that you are attentive to what he’s saying, and you are interested in him and his world. It’s a subtle way to show a man you’re interested without being forward or aggressive at all in your approach. It’s important that you don’t interrupt him or try to “one-up” him. A lot of times smart and successful women bring their competitive career personality into their dating experience. Remember, you’re going on a date to find out whether or not the guy is a good match. It’s not about proving yourself to him, it’s about learning about someone else and seeing if you’re compatible. You can appreciate what he’s saying without inserting your opinion or telling him how much you know about the topic he’s brought up. Just enjoy getting to know each other! It’s great to have common interests and to talk about them, as long as you’re not always making him feel like you know more than him—guys don’t want to compete with their partners. 3. Use the magic AAA method The AAA method stands for showing him you Appreciate him, Acknowledge him, and Approve of him. Appreciate him for the effort and consideration he puts into his time with you. Does he make you laugh like no one else? Is he a great conversationalist? Show him your appreciation for these things. It will signal to him that you enjoy his company and who he is as a person. You can also acknowledge him for anything he does to go the extra mile for you, like holding the door open or coming to pick you up. These are the thoughtful, chivalrous things that make you feel cared for. Since they tend to be small gestures, he may not see them as a big deal, but he will definitely notice and appreciate your acknowledgment! And tell him when you approve of choices he makes that you like. These might be things you have in common or things that you just think are good choices on his part. Did he choose a restaurant that serves your favorite type of food? Did you notice his kindness and consideration toward another person? Let him know! This will show him that you’re in alignment with him and that he’s doing a good job in your eyes. Which brings me to my last tip….. 4. Give him the opportunity to win with you Men love to know that they are succeeding and winning, both in their careers and in love. Relationship-ready guys want to know that they’re doing the right things by you, but they won’t know for sure unless you tell them. So, if he calls you or texts you and you like that, then let him know, “I love hearing from you.” Or if he makes a gesture you enjoy, communicate your thoughts, such as “I love it when you hold my hand.” This is not only a gracious way to let him know that he’s winning with you, but also a way to encourage him to do more of what you like (Double win!). Once again: men are not mind readers. A quality and relationship-ready man would love to know what the woman he is interested in likes so that he can actually do the things that are most meaningful to her. It will make both of you feel amazing, which is exactly what you want! As always, I wanna hear from you. I wanna know the biggest insight you’re
He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me… he loves me not… If only that system worked to tell you if he’s really thinking LTR (long-term relationship) or not. Finding out if a man is looking to be in it with you for the long haul is not guesswork or rocket science. It’s actually not that hard to figure out if you look to his actions. As women, we have to remember that men generally talk less and show more. So while he might be in the relationship, paying attention to what he isn’t saying makes life so much easier and less complicated for women. Since men speak louder with actions than words, the best way to find out if they’re serious about a long term relationship with you is to be mindful of their actions. Now I want to make sure you know that there is a difference between a guy being into you and interested in you or being interested in you for the long term. This is the next stage after you want to know if he’s thinking long-term relationship—and for those of you who want marriage, you want to know if he’s thinking marriage. A guy might totally be into you and committed to being with you… but not committed enough to want to go to that next stage, which is a life partnership: a lifetime commitment. So if you want to know, you should observe his actions. And if he’s doing these things, he may not be in it for the long term: 1- He doesn’t seem to mention you in his future plans When a man is thinking long term with you, he keeps making plans with you. Not just plans about next weekend, but actually future plans, like what kind of house you guys like or what to do for holidays or vacation in six months, or what city you might like to live in. All this is because he wants to have you in his life. If he avoids talking about things that would happen further down the road, he might be saying he’s hesitant to make a long-term commitment. 2- He doesn’t talk about introducing you to friends and family Once you’re past the solo dates, as you are getting to know each other, if a man is serious about you he’s going to make plans to introduce you to his family and friends. He’s going to invite you as his plus one to events. He should want to know if you get along well with his community and what a future with you would look like in his world. Friends and family are one the most important parts of his life; so if your man isn’t including you in his community, that’s a sign he isn’t thinking of you in his-long term plans. 3- He avoids hanging out with your friends Since friends and family are important to you too, of course you would want him to spend time with your community as well. When you ask him to hang out with your friends, family, or colleagues, does he always find an excuse or make a big fuss about it? Does he make it to where you give up and don’t bother? Or does he reluctantly go, but clings to you and resists having conversations with others? A guy who’s looking for a committed, long-term future with you will put his differences aside and try his best to mesh with your community. He should want to be part of your world and to be included. 4- He won’t change his plans for you He loves his independence and likes to have his “guys night out,” and there’s nothing wrong with that. But if he’s got plans and he’s not really interested in a LTR, chances of him changing them for you are slim. A guy who’s looking to have a long-term future with you will make an effort to move things around to make it work if something is important to you. While this might be seen as compromise, when you love someone and want to be with them (and the key word is “want”), changing plans doesn’t seem like a compromise. He’ll try to be flexible or think of a “solution” about how to make it work in order to spend time with you and still do that other thing he wanted. Maybe it’s to make sure that you both see your families during the holidays, or move plans around so he can catch that show or work party with you, just to be with you. This is called “commitment”: if he makes no attempt to change his plans or doesn’t show any remorse that he can’t be with you, then he’s showing you that he’s not thinking of being committed to you for the long term. Like everything, don’t assume you know how he feels, and don’t necessarily base your thoughts on something that happens only once. But if you see an ongoing pattern emerging, it’s time to use what I call “compassionate communication skills” to ask him where he feels the relationship is going in the future. It’s up to you to know what you want and to create the love life you deserve and desire! If you’d like to know EXACTLY how to read men better and identify the four different kinds of men that exist when it comes to dating – including how to know if a man is relationship-ready – AND what you need to do once you meet him, I’ve created a free training for you called The “Broken Picker” Solution. This is information you can use immediately, and I’m giving it away because I believe with all my heart that every woman deserves love. And to create the love life you deserve and desire, you need to know what’s keeping you from that quality relationship. With so many things in your life going right, you are absolutely capable of attracting
The time right after a breakup can be challenging—nobody likes the feelings of anger, loss, frustration, or sadness that can follow, and you may not feel good about being single again. You might also find yourself in one of two camps: you think you don’t ever want to date again, or you want to rush right back into dating. It’s important to take some time and consider how you want to show up so that you can create the love life you truly desire. You want to be sure you’re not rushing into dating for any of the following reasons, as they are sure to bring you right back to being single. 1. Rushing into dating to get over your breakup If you’re feeling hurt, you might think that someone new could be just the solution to your breakup blues. But this is a mistake if you actually want to heal and move forward in a healthy way. The only things that will help you get over your breakup are time and being intentional about healing. Dating to get over your breakup means that you’re looking for someone else to distract you from your feelings, and that means it’s going to take you longer to get over those feelings and move on. 2. Rushing into dating to fill the void of your ex Breakups can leave you feeling empty in some ways, and it can be painful to experience the loneliness that can follow a breakup. If you had certain habits or routines that were part of your relationship, you might be looking for anything to fill that space. But the last thing you should do is try to fill that void with another person. This makes it almost impossible to be present. While this new guy might be really interested in getting to know you, you can’t possibly reciprocate if you’ve decided his purpose is to take the place of your ex and fill in the gaps. Instead, take your time to fill any loneliness by making true connections with yourself and others. 3. Rushing into dating to feel like you “still got it” It’s easy to let a lack of self-esteem cause you to want a boost, but it’s a mistake to date any guy who’s interested because it makes you feel wanted or attractive because of the attention. Going on dates with guys you’re not interested in just to make yourself feel better isn’t really fair to guys who are truly looking to date intentionally, and it’s not going to get you closer to what you really want out of your love life. If you’re not ready to genuinely date to get to know someone, then you aren’t ready to date again yet. Don’t be afraid to take the time you need to realize that you’ve “got it” whether or not you’re in a relationship! 4. Rushing into dating to show your ex you don’t need him If you feel like your ex made a big mistake, you might want to prove him wrong. If you’re immediately unavailable, then he would realize that he’s the one missing out now, right? You don’t know how your ex will interpret your new relationship, however; perhaps he’ll think you’ve moved on and so he should too. This isn’t helpful—your purpose for dating should never be to use one person to get back at another. If the relationship with your ex is over but you’re not over him, you need to focus on yourself and come to a place where you can be grounded in who you are so that you can date intentionally once again. Keeping yourself in the center of your love life will get you much further if you are truly intentional about finding a match. If you really want to find happiness, you don’t want to rush into dating after a breakup for the wrong reasons. It’s important to take time to heal and to reflect on what is truly important to you in a relationship, in addition to doing any self-work that will prepare you for success. This might include working with a dating coach or learning how to date intentionally by taking a course. Remember, there was no class to teach you how to date; it’s okay to seek that information out and learn the tools needed to create the love life you deserve! As always, I wanna hear from you. I wanna know the biggest insight you’re taking away from this blog. Leave a comment below. And if you enjoyed this blog, join Dating with Confidence’s FREE and PRIVATE Facebook group, “Dating Tips for Savvy Single Ladies,” where you can have more personal interaction with me and get support around your love life. And share this blog with your friends. To your dating success!
Are you wondering if it’s time for a break up? If you’re starting to think about whether you should end your relationship or not, one thing is for sure: something’s not right. It could be a case of you not communicating your needs,or needing to understand more about your partner. It could also be about your own limiting beliefs, and that means you’ve got some work to do on yourself. But it can also mean that you are dating or are in a relationship with someone who is not right for you, or that something bigger is at play. If you’re not sure whether it’s time to call it quits, consider the following before you make a decision: 1. Abuse and violence Verbal, physical, emotional, financial—any form of abuse and violence is a reason to end a relationship immediately. There is NEVER a good reason for abuse, and you don’t have to tolerate it. Whether it’s happened or it’s been threatened, this is a relationship you need to end. You deserve better no matter what. 2. You’re not yourself Most women will work hard to make a relationship successful, and sometimes that means changing who you are in order to create that success. If that’s what you’re doing and you’re the only one making changes, you might notice that you’re no longer being true to who you are. When that happens, something’s not right. You should be able to keep your own vision and be with a man who supports that vision and works alongside you. That doesn’t mean it’s your way or the highway, but it does mean that you shouldn’t have to abandon who you are and what you want in order to be in a relationship. You should be able to feel like yourself and be with someone who loves that. 3. Your partner has issues Everyone has issues! But when your partner shows signs of anger issues or emotional problems, you need to decide if that’s something you want to work through. If you’ve mentioned it and he doesn’t acknowledge there’s a problem or doesn’t desire to do the work to make things better, that’s a red flag. 4. Bad communication Effective communication is one of the keys to keeping a relationship successful. Bad communication can ruin a relationship. If you feel like you can’t talk to your partner, or he has no interest in having a conversation with you or listening when you have something you want to express, you might have a problem maintaining a long-term relationship this way. While a lot of guys find it difficult to talk about certain things, and communication styles can be different, a refusal to communicate or improve communication is not a good sign. 5. Your friends are talking Sometimes your friends will notice something before you do because you’re too close to the situation. If your friends are speaking up, you should listen to what they have to say. It’s normal to feel like you should defend your guy, but it’s important that you listen with an open mind and really think about what your friends are saying. 6. He’s in a different world If your partner is constantly living in the past, or saying he’ll do something and never following through, or it seems that what he wants and what you want are in two different directions, then he’s probably not in alignment with you. If he’s living in a different world, then it’s going to be difficult to form a future with him. And if you want a committed relationship, you’ll need to carefully consider whether that’s something he’s showing you he wants as well. 7. When it’s the same issue over and over again If you’re bringing up the same issue over and over again and there’s no interest in finding a solution or doing the work to make improvements, you’re looking at a future of living with this. Nagging him isn’t going to make either of you feel better, and his lack of desire to change means he’s not interested in committing to making the relationship a success. You can’t have a good relationship by yourself; if you’ve made efforts to work on the issue and he’s not into it, you’ve got to decide if that’s something you want to deal with long term. 8. When he violates your values If you’ve established what’s important to you in a relationship and he violates those values, you need to address this immediately. If you can’t forgive him and work through the issue and move on together, then you need to consider ending the relationship. Staying angry or trying to “get even” is no way to strengthen your commitment. If you can’t forgive and move on, that’s okay; that’s a decision you have to make. And if not, then the relationship will not be able to grow, and it’s best to end it where it is. The decision of whether to breakup or not is yours—and if you’re being honest with yourself, you will be able to determine what has the potential to lead to the future you want and deserve… and what does not. Going through a break up is never easy, but staying in a relationship that doesn’t enrich your life isn’t worth staying in just because breaking up is difficult and inconvenient. Ask yourself what you want to feel and experience from a relationship. Once you know what that is, you’ll be able to determine whether the relationship you’re in is right for you. It’s up to you to put yourself in a situation that favors self-respect and self-worth and to ensure that you are creating a partnership that you deserve and desire. You are worth it! Now I wanna hear from you. I wanna know the biggest insight you’re taking away from this blog. Leave a comment below. 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As much as I’m an outgoing person, and expressing myself is within my comfort zone, for me flirting was never easy and it took me quite a while to understand what flirting is about and how I could do it effectively. You see, many strong, successful, career-oriented women have this idea that flirting is for women who don’t respect themselves or are loose or ditsy. I can see why they feel this way; in most work environments where the male population dominates the female population in number and in power, today’s modern woman needs to assert herself with more masculine energy. That means she needs to be more of a headstrong, get it done, no-nonsense person who is competing with male colleagues to have the same respect and rank in the work area. (And don’t get me started on competing for the same pay rate.) So in many ways, she needs to abandon her innate softness and nurturing qualities, replacing them with qualities that are known to be professional: straight to the point, assertive, and maybe even cold language and energy. In other words, she can NOT be vulnerable. At least not until she establishes herself. Well, that gets this lovely woman into trouble when it comes to dating and creating her love life. Because that kind of person displaying those qualities ain’t finding love….. A man doesn’t want to date another dude. That’s what I tell my ambitious, high-achieving, savvy, successful clients. So in order to create connection, you must show your softer side: the kinder, gentler, receiving, more vulnerable side. And even more so, you must be really comfortable with it and feel empowered in that zone of being. Flirting is really just a tool to show a man you’re interested in him. And the mistake that many ambitious women make is that they banter with a man and think that is flirting. Now while that could be a form of flirting with a man you are more familiar with and perhaps in a relationship with, where you both trust each other, often times when you do that in no context with a man you don’t know and you’re just getting to know on a dating level, it can come across as you not liking him and being opposed to him. So here are four ways you can flirt with class and grace to show a man you’re interested without needing to be loose or losing your dignity. 1. Compliment him It is so simple to find something nice about a man and to acknowledge him for it. Unlike women, men don’t have the common experience of being acknowledged or complimented. They don’t use words as much as women do to express themselves and therefore when they hear a compliment, it means a lot to them. Find something nice about him to highlight. Compliment him on his outfit or the restaurant he picked, or the fact that he showed up to the date and is gracious, or on the conversation that you’re enjoying. Something as simple as, “I really enjoyed our conversation and everything about tonight” goes a long way. You are showing him you’re open to meeting him again and you’re interested. 2. Use your eyes It’s so easy these days to be distracted, as we are all so used to our smartphones interrupting us. Put your phone away completely and be present in your dating experience with him. Look him in the eye when you’re talking to each other (not the people around you). Showing him that he has all your attention simply shows him you are present and that you’re genuinely paying attention. And that shows you’re interested in him. 3. Smile Smile, smile, and smile! Smiling at him when you’re in his presence and around him shows that you are having a good time and you like to be around him. It’s a way of confirming that whatever he’s doing, he’s doing it right. Men love to win with women. When you smile, you’re letting him know he is winning with you. I strongly suggest practicing your facial expressions in the mirror before going on a date. When we’re alone, we’re not very aware of the expressions our faces make, as we are not required to be expressive in that way with ourselves. 4. Body language Let your body talk for you. Subtly touching your neck or gently playing with your hair when you’re with him shows that you’re interested and enjoying your time with him. Make sure that your body is squared out to him and leaning to one side to create some curvature, which always makes for a softer physical presence. Don’t hesitate to touch him on the forearm or biceps (guys love that) if you want to compliment him or acknowledge him. You are simply showing in many ways that you are into him. The powerful thing about these four ways of flirting is: none of these ways is saying “Let’s have sex.” They are just subtle ways of showing you are attracted to him and his personality. As always, I wanna hear from you. I wanna know the biggest insight you’re taking away from this blog. Leave a comment below. And if you enjoyed this blog, join Dating with Confidence’s FREE and PRIVATE Facebook group, “Dating Tips for Savvy Single Ladies,” where you can have more personal interaction with me and get support around your love life. And share this blog with your friends! To your dating success!