As much as I’m an outgoing person, and expressing myself is within my comfort zone, for me flirting was never easy and it took me quite a while to understand what flirting is about and how I could do it effectively. You see, many strong, successful, career-oriented women have this idea that flirting is for women who don’t respect themselves or are loose or ditsy. I can see why they feel this way; in most work environments where the male population dominates the female population in number and in power, today’s modern woman needs to assert herself with more masculine energy. That means she needs to be more of a headstrong, get it done, no-nonsense person who is competing with male colleagues to have the same respect and rank in the work area. (And don’t get me started on competing for the same pay rate.) So in many ways, she needs to abandon her innate softness and nurturing qualities, replacing them with qualities that are known to be professional: straight to the point, assertive, and maybe even cold language and energy. In other words, she can NOT be vulnerable. At least not until she establishes herself. Well, that gets this lovely woman into trouble when it comes to dating and creating her love life. Because that kind of person displaying those qualities ain’t finding love….. A man doesn’t want to date another dude. That’s what I tell my ambitious, high-achieving, savvy, successful clients. So in order to create connection, you must show your softer side: the kinder, gentler, receiving, more vulnerable side. And even more so, you must be really comfortable with it and feel empowered in that zone of being. Flirting is really just a tool to show a man you’re interested in him. And the mistake that many ambitious women make is that they banter with a man and think that is flirting. Now while that could be a form of flirting with a man you are more familiar with and perhaps in a relationship with, where you both trust each other, often times when you do that in no context with a man you don’t know and you’re just getting to know on a dating level, it can come across as you not liking him and being opposed to him. So here are four ways you can flirt with class and grace to show a man you’re interested without needing to be loose or losing your dignity. 1. Compliment him It is so simple to find something nice about a man and to acknowledge him for it. Unlike women, men don’t have the common experience of being acknowledged or complimented. They don’t use words as much as women do to express themselves and therefore when they hear a compliment, it means a lot to them. Find something nice about him to highlight. Compliment him on his outfit or the restaurant he picked, or the fact that he showed up to the date and is gracious, or on the conversation that you’re enjoying. Something as simple as, “I really enjoyed our conversation and everything about tonight” goes a long way. You are showing him you’re open to meeting him again and you’re interested. 2. Use your eyes It’s so easy these days to be distracted, as we are all so used to our smartphones interrupting us. Put your phone away completely and be present in your dating experience with him. Look him in the eye when you’re talking to each other (not the people around you). Showing him that he has all your attention simply shows him you are present and that you’re genuinely paying attention. And that shows you’re interested in him. 3. Smile Smile, smile, and smile! Smiling at him when you’re in his presence and around him shows that you are having a good time and you like to be around him. It’s a way of confirming that whatever he’s doing, he’s doing it right. Men love to win with women. When you smile, you’re letting him know he is winning with you. I strongly suggest practicing your facial expressions in the mirror before going on a date. When we’re alone, we’re not very aware of the expressions our faces make, as we are not required to be expressive in that way with ourselves. 4. Body language Let your body talk for you. Subtly touching your neck or gently playing with your hair when you’re with him shows that you’re interested and enjoying your time with him. Make sure that your body is squared out to him and leaning to one side to create some curvature, which always makes for a softer physical presence. Don’t hesitate to touch him on the forearm or biceps (guys love that) if you want to compliment him or acknowledge him. You are simply showing in many ways that you are into him. The powerful thing about these four ways of flirting is: none of these ways is saying “Let’s have sex.” They are just subtle ways of showing you are attracted to him and his personality. As always, I wanna hear from you. I wanna know the biggest insight you’re taking away from this blog. Leave a comment below. And if you enjoyed this blog, join Dating with Confidence’s FREE and PRIVATE Facebook group, “Dating Tips for Savvy Single Ladies,” where you can have more personal interaction with me and get support around your love life. And share this blog with your friends! To your dating success!
When you’re on the search for Mr. Right, I know you don’t want to waste your time with someone who isn’t a good match. And it totally makes sense: it seems logical to get everything out on the table so you can know right away if he could be the one! This can be a big mistake on a first date, though. There are certain conversation topics that could keep you from making a true connection with a great guy, and that can really sabotage your dating success. You want to create a connection first. You want to get to know him so that over time you can grow to trust and love. And if you feel like you’re in a hurry, you’ll actually get to where you want to be faster by taking your time! That’s because you can’t rush getting to know someone. It is essential to take time to connect so that you can ensure that you’re building a foundation for longevity instead of just for now. So if you’re interested in a relationship that’s going to last, do your love life a favor and avoid the following four topics when you’re out on a first date. 1. Don’t say negative things about yourself. You may think that putting yourself down is a good way of seeming humble, or even getting attention, but it doesn’t achieve either of those things. Talking negatively about yourself is a major turn off. If a guy is on a date with you, he’s obviously decided that he wants to get to know you. Rather than announce to him all the reasons that he shouldn’t want to date you, talk about what you enjoy and what’s important to you, and help guide the conversation so that he can tell you about what’s important to him as well. If you want him to stay interested, keep the conversation interesting! Stay away from negativity 2. Don’t talk about your ex. You probably aren’t interested in hearing your date go on about his ex-girlfriend, and the same applies for you; your date would rather learn about you, not some other guy. It can be tempting to vent about past relationships, but a first date is no place for that. It can also be a red flag; if you’re speaking emotionally about your ex, your date may be concerned that you’re not really in a place to start a new relationship. Instead, keep the focus on the two of you. If he asks about your past relationships, avoid getting into a conversation about it by telling your date that your ex was not a good match for you because he lacked certain qualities that are important to you. That allows you to talk about what those qualities are and get the conversation back to the present and looking to the future. Note: if you are still emotionally invested in your ex, this is work that needs to be done ASAP. Find a coach who can work with you on letting go of your past relationships so you can move on and be available for the love you deserve. 3. Don’t talk about politics. Hot-button topics like politics don’t do anything to help you get to know someone when you first meet. If you agree on an issue, you may end up talking about that instead of each other. And if you disagree, you may close yourself off to really discovering who he is, and that’s your job on a first date. The last thing you want is to derail your date with a potentially polarizing subject. Anything you feel strongly about is something you’ll to discuss eventually, but some topics are better saved for later dates. 4. Don’t inquire about a second date. Remember: your job on a first date is to learn about the man you’re meeting, and you can’t do that if you’re not staying in the present moment. In fact, your job before even going on the date is to learn how to be present within yourself. You want to feel complete by yourself so that your partner in life can be your complement, not someone who serves as a missing piece. At the end of the date, it’s perfectly fine to tell him that you had a good time and that you’d be interested in continuing the conversation, if that’s the case. If he feels the same way, then he will let you know, so there’s no reason to be preoccupied with what happens after the date. This isn’t about racing to the finish line; it’s about creating a lasting relationship. And being present is a great start in the right direction. If you feel nervous and you’re not sure what to say, it’s okay. It’s very normal for first dates to be a little awkward! But remember, what you say or don’t say on a first date is completely in your control. While you may stumble a bit as you find your comfort zone in conversation, you can decide what you will talk about and what you’ll avoid. If you want a chance to connect with him and for him to get to know you, being intentional about your conversation topics will go a long way for first date success. Now I wanna hear from you. I wanna know the biggest insight you’re taking away from this blog. Leave a comment below. Join Dating with Confidence in empowering more women on their journey to create their desired love life and share this blog with your friends. To your dating success!
I remember back when it was about the third week of knowing my life partner Tim that I took a trip to New York City, where I had a performance. (For those of you who don’t know, I am also a professional opera singer.) At the time, everything was going very smoothly and in the right direction with Tim. He took me to the airport to drop me off. He had made it clear through being attentive and pursuing me that he was very interested. While I was in NYC, I got a text from a friend saying she had two comp tickets for me for the San Francisco Opera when I returned. So I texted Tim to let him know I had tickets to the opera and asked if he would like to join me. Hours went by and I didn’t hear from him. The next day I didn’t hear from him either, and I was going back to San Francisco. Once I was home, I still didn’t hear from him. Three days went by and I thought, what is going on? This was so not like him. Okay, so what do you think I did? In that moment I had so many options, and of course the easiest one would be to make him wrong, make up negative stories, and then get into beating up myself for not being good enough, lovable enough, worth enough, you name it… and so the conclusion would be that he left me and ghosted me and there I was again, single and left behind. Well, I could have done that, but I didn’t. Instead, I did these four things below that I want to share with you. It’s so much easier to find out about the truth from the man, rather than taking the energy to make up stories and think that’s the truth. And while making up stories seems like the easiest thing to do, if you’re doing that, you’re only making up stories to reinforce what you DO NOT want. So here’s what to do when you haven’t heard from him and are wondering what’s going on: 1- Dating is an opportunity to get to know if a man is a match First and foremost, dating is not the relationship; dating is a way to see if he is a match or not. So if Tim would have “ghosted” me and I would have never heard from him again, that’s clearly just information I would have about him that would make him ineligible for me, someone who is looking for a quality and relationship-ready man. A man who is emotionally evolved is capable of communicating whatever it is he needs, even if it’s to say, “I’m sorry, but we’re not a match. I don’t think this can work.” Your job in the dating process is to sit back and let the man speak for himself. Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words. If you haven’t heard from him and you do the three other steps and he’s still a no show, then that’s the time to move on. But… let’s talk about Step #2 because you don’t have all the info yet… 2- Don’t make up a story Stay away – and I mean with all your awareness and energy – stay far away from interpreting what it means that you haven’t heard from him. The truth is you simply don’t know. Anything you think is just a guess. While it’s really easy to attach a meaning to something like this, unless you hear the reason from him, your guess is good as mine. We just don’t know. The only thing we do know, and the only meaning this has, is that he hasn’t contacted you. That’s all. Which brings me to Step #3. 3- Communicate with him Gracefully check in with him. In my case, I called Tim and left a message after a few times of reaching out, and I told him that I was genuinely concerned about him being okay and that I felt it wasn’t like him not to call me back. I told him I hoped he was okay, and if he could just text me to let me know of his well-being, I’d so appreciate it. I also added that I’d really love to go see the opera with him and it would be so much more fun going with him than not. One of the sexiest assets you can have is compassionate communication. 4- Give him an opportunity to win with you Here’s the dealio ladies: men who are interested in you and want to date you by nature want to be with you. When you’re graceful about the situation and let him know that you care but you’re not pushy, you’re leaving him space to want to make you happy. You are letting him know that hearing from him will make you happy. And a guy who is into you, excited about getting to know you, and interested in dating you more will definitely contact you. So to let you know about how my story went… I took these four steps and Tim contacted me to tell me he was so sorry, he had gone out of town with a couple of his friends and was in an area that had no wi-fi or cell reception. He was very sorry that I got concerned and he would LOVE to go to the opera with me. The opera was that very night, so like the Superman that he is, he got in his car, quickly got ready, and came to pick me up. Five and a half years later, I still use this technique to communicate when Tim goes into his man cave (That’s what I call it.) when he’s more quiet than usual and is not as communicative. Here’s the thing: you can’t change a man, nor can you make someone like you if they’re not interested. BUT, the way you show up,... [continued]
It’s totally common to have first date jitters. A lot of times what makes women so nervous is either wondering whether or not a guy will like them, or going into the dating experience hoping, “This is it. This man needs to be *the* man ‘cause I don’t have time to waste!” But let me tell you right off the bat: that kind of approach is going to get you into dating trouble very quickly—and in fact keep you single for a longer time. I always teach my clients that in order to make a first date successful, you want to go in there with curiosity so you can learn about the man you’re meeting. When my coaching clients first come to me, they often complain about how difficult it is to find someone who they feel like they connect with. I hear phrases like these a lot: “We had no chemistry,” or “There was no chemistry,” or “It will never work; I didn’t feel any chemistry.” The concept of having chemistry is so topsy-turvy these days that instead of helping your love life to flourish, it is actually killing it. If you think chemistry is about that instant, Disney/Hollywood spark, that love at first sight kind of thing, then chances are you’ll have trouble finding love with a real, relationship-ready man. So let’s talk about chemistry and how it’s not this mysterious thing that happens by luck to only some people! You have every power to create it on a first date and raise your chances of connecting with the man you are meeting and getting him interested in asking you for another date! Here are 5 tips you can implement right away to create a winning dating experience that will have him wanting more: Come from a Place of Curiosity and Interest When you’re getting to know someone, one of the best ways to engage him is to give him your undivided attention. Make eye contact and ask him open-ended questions that make him feel that you are interested in him rather than interviewing him. Talk to him about what he enjoys doing and what he likes. And when it comes to what he does, ask him about his passions and where he wants to go. A job title doesn’t tell you much; someone working to build his own business may be working another job while he’s making it happen, and someone with a “high-end” job might hate it and be looking to quit. If you really want to learn about him (And that should be the purpose of your date!), focus on the essence of who he is rather than what he does. Share How You Feel Being nervous is normal; if that’s how you’re feeling, it’s totally okay to tell your date. If he’s also feeling that way, it might help him to relax as well, and now you are creating an alliance. If the conversation is a little awkward at first because of nerves, that’s normal, too; you can gracefully share that “Wow I am a bit nervous,” and then keep moving the conversation toward getting to know one another. If you shut down and keep your feelings to yourself, you’re not working on connecting and you can both leave the wrong impression of who you really are on each other. Don’t worry about making mistakes because of nerves. Your honesty and communication with be appreciated. Create Chemistry Through Passions Instead of Common Activities A lot of times we think that in order to have a strong foundation in a relationship, we both need to share common activities. I love opera and my life partner loves technology and virtual reality – stuff I can barely wrap my head around – but what we both connect with each other on is the idea that we are both so passionate about something in our lives, and we love that about each other. If the man you’re dating is talking about something he’s very passionate about, that’s an opportunity to acknowledge his passion and connect with him. You can say things like “I love that you are so passionate about…,” or “I too am so passionate about…,” or “I get your feeling.” So now you have created a connection with him. He is heard and he is understood. And on a basic human level, that’s what people want: being heard, acknowledged, validated and understood. Don’t Overshare If you’re looking to see if he’s a good potential partner or not, you might feel like you need to get everything out on the table so that you don’t waste any time. After all, if he’s still interested after you’ve told him everything about you, then there’s nowhere to go but forward, right? It seems like this would be helpful, but giving someone so much information all at once is overwhelming and may leave him feeling uneasy about you. Remember, you don’t know each other enough to be invested in each other on that level. Instead, let him earn knowing about you over time. You want him to be eager to learn more, not to feel like he’s already spent a year with you in a couple of hours! There’s No Competition Many smart, successful and high-achieving women have this belief that they need to prove they’re not little girls and that they are powerful and independent. Wanting to be respected as an equal is completely understandable; but when it gets into one-upping the man you barely know, it’s certainly not an effective way to leave a good impression of yourself or to make him feel good about himself. It can be easy to hear something he says and to immediately chime in with your version of doing that same thing. But this can make him feel like your primary interest is to one-up him in everything he does. While it may make you feel like you’re sharing accomplishments you’re proud of, it’s not going to... [continued]