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‘Poor Jen’ cant keep a man. Divorce number 2 under her belt and, despite all her Hollywood success, she just cant get it rightwhen it comes to relationships.

If you feel a bit Jennifer, you are not alone.  But, you can unlock the secrets to a successful, lasting relationship and avoid becoming another divorce statistic like the former Friends star.

When the headlines about Jen and Justin broke recently it was sadly no real surprise. Celebrity couples have the odds stacked against them. Recent research by The Marriage Foundation found that celebrities were 50% more likely to separate within a few short years than the average UK divorcee.

These are faceless statistics in the light of divorce being one of the most devastating experiences a person can go through – celebrity or not.

But this is Jen’s second divorce and follows on from numerous reported short term relationships. There are more than celebrity divorce rates being stacked against her here.

The Friends’ star has been called ‘unlucky love’. Less kind reporters have written: ‘Poor old Jen, why can’t she keep a man?

Even though we can’t possibly know the truth behind the break up of her latest relationship, one thing seems very clear: Jennifer Aniston either struggles to find the right man for her or doesn’t know the secrets to forming a lasting relationship – or both.

This, is not an A-list problem.

As a Dating and Relationship Coach I work with many women who are ‘getting back out there’ after a big breakup or divorce. I help them through their own healing process and to get ready to date again. Many of my clients have married after a string of short term unsuccessful relationships. Some have seen marriage as a solution to the serial dating disasters or short term failures they have experienced for most of their adult life.

I don’t judge these women – mainly because I was one of them. My first marriage ended in disaster and, through my work, I now understand that it was destined, maybe even inevitable to do so. I wasn’t ready for love and my pattern for picking men that were not right for me was deeply ingrained in my psyche.

I didn’t think anything was wrong; I was just ‘unlucky’.

How wrong could I be.

My own journey saw me on the floor – literally – after my divorce. All I could think was: ‘Why me?’ I had no problem attracting men but time and time again I could not develop the attraction into a meaningful, lasting relationship.

So I stopped and took a long hard look at the underlying issues. I researched the keys to successful relationships and unlocked secrets to dating success. I became so passionate about what I discovered that I quit my job and re-trained as a Dating Coach. Last year I won Dating Expert of the Year.

Many of the women I work with may not be celebrities on Jen’s level, but my clients are high-profile, strong, smart and successful women who do not in any way identify with the ‘unlucky in love’, ‘poor Jen’ or ‘desperate divorcee’ stereotypes.  They have success in other areas of their lives, but for one reason or another they don’t have that success in their love lives.  I help them figure out why.

Some are hindered by their own professional success that may be overshadow that of their now ex-husband.  Some have outgrown their first marriage because they’re taking their lives and careers to the next level.  But as one of my clients said to me this week – “if women like Jen or Kylie can’t find a love that lasts, what chance do I have?”

It’s hard to avoid the deeply personal questions around our own value and what we seem to be doing to ‘fail’ at yet another relationship when things go wrong. But I know through my work that we can all have the relationship we want and make a success of it.

I am now happily married again, but when I got divorced in my mid-thirties it truly was the most painful time of my life. I could not see a way out of that abyss. Even now, I would say it’s almost impossible to do this without a little help.

It’s no surprise, then, that many of my clients come to me and have already decided that they will never get married again.

But developing a new relationship – one that is 100% right for us and our life – can change all that and a second marriage can become a real opportunity for lasting success. Of course it’s important to realise that a second or third marriage (or even a new long term, committed relationship) will face challenges that weren’t present in a first marriage. It’s all about having the right Relationship Toolkit.

It may be early days for Jennifer but there is no right or wrong time for when you should get back ‘out there’. If you are thinking of dating again after a painful divorce or break up, here are the powerful lessons I’ve learnt through my own experience and from working with my clients.

Six steps to breaking the unlucky in lovecycle, getting back out there and avoid becoming another statistic:
  1. Are you date ready’ or ‘relationship ready? Work out the difference!

As you may well know, the dating scene is in no way an even playing field. Sometimes you won’t know whether you are ready or not until you actually start getting out there or seeing someone new.  But I also know for sure that there are many people who are dating that are certainly not ready for a relationship. Being ready to date and being ready for an actual relationship are two different things altogether

I know of people who move on really soon after their divorce and turn their next relationship into a new ‘mini-marriage’ – often while the legal process and all the fallout of their divorce is still going on. While there can be exceptions this is really not the best start for a new relationship.  A rebound relationship or the first post-divorce breakup can often exacerbate the unresolved pain someone is carrying and hurt just as much. By all means get out there and have fun, but don’t date with a view to finding The One until you have taken a long hard look at what went wrong last time.

  1. Get clarity about what your next relationship will look and feel like

At the time that I met my second husband, I was absolutely heartbroken that I didn’t have a biological family of my own, and I didn’t know how I really felt about becoming a ‘stepmom’ to his two boys.  Since he already had two children, I wasn’t sure about whether he would want any more, while I still had hopes of becoming a mom. I was certainly not at an age where I felt I could spend a few years figuring it all out.  Regardless of how I felt about him at the time, I had to have some serious upfront talks about our future together before I could get involved with him at all, and I’m so glad I did because it avoided a huge amount of misunderstanding and unmet expectations later on

So much of what leads to relationship and marriage breakdown has to do with us carrying unhelpful or destructive habits, patterns and beliefs about love, intimacy and commitment from one relationship to the next without taking the time to figure out what is really going on underneath the surface. But taking the time to understand yourself and how you really function in a relationship, what you truly need and how to ask for it will set you up for success in your next relationship.

  1. Take responsibility for your part in your relationship or marriage breakdown

One of the key signs of being ready to move on to dating or a new relationship is when you can calmly and without blame get to the point of accepting your part in the breakdown of your marriage.  This can be exceptionally hard to do, especially if the reason for your divorce was an extramarital affair or various kinds of unreasonable behaviour concerning somebody other than you.

When you get to the point of having a neutral attitude towards your ex you will have made a huge amount of progress and they will no longer have the emotional hold over you and your new life that they once had.  This also puts you in a much stronger position in your new relationship.  The other side of this particular coin is practicing forgiveness, for our ex-partner, but often for ourselves as well.

  1. Use your baggage for good

Once you’ve been through a divorce there are things that will never be the same again.  We all have baggage in some way, and I believe it can be a good thing – but only if we’re aware of it and we’ve dealt with it in a constructive way.

Being in a new dynamic will push your buttons and trigger you in ways that you can’t predict.  What I’ve learnt is that when a marriage breaks down, it isn’t entirely disconnected from the reasons our relationships prior to the marriage broke down either. And if you are still carrying unresolved issues from your part relationships that may have spilled over in your first marriage, it will come up again.

Something I’ve learnt in my second marriage is that I often assumed there were a problem between me and my husband, while on reflection it was very clear that we were projecting unresolved issues from our past relationships onto each other.  We would have the same kind of arguments over and over that were actually not about us at all until we figured this out.  We had to teach each other the new rules of our relationship over time and stop comparing or competing with our pasts.

One decision we’ve made, for example, is to never use the word or threaten ‘divorce’, no matter how heated an argument may get. It’s simply not allowed and we both know that it’s not an option.

  1. Prioritise your healing

Everybody deals with it differently, but family breakdown and divorce is a traumatic experience and the impact of it should not be underestimated, no matter how strong you as an individual.  The mental health impact of a divorce is well documented and in cases where there is a high level of conflict, or for example the process of extracting yourself from a marriage to somebody with Narcissistic Personality Disorder can lead to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for some.

Allowing yourself to go through the various stages of grief can also be very difficult when you’re a single parent trying to keep everything together for everyone else with little time and space to process your own feelings.  Even when it feels impossible at times, find a way of prioritising taking care of yourself in a way that can help you move forward in small steps.  Whether it’s exercise and taking care of yourself physically, reaching out to friends or seeking professional help, do whatever it takes. Healing can feel like a big word and it is. Ask friends for help if you need to. They can be helpful to keep an eye on the way you prioritise yourself – or not.

  1. Take your time to rebuild your life and thrive on your own first

This is about much more than just getting ready to date and perhaps getting into a new relationship or marriage. Your long term relationship or marriage breaking down may be the worst thing that has ever happened to you and you may doubt yourself and your ability to ever find love again.

But in time you may come to see it as one of the catalysts in your life that spurred you on to finally do the things you always wanted to do, revive lost dreams and follow your true passions.

If you allow it to happen you may reinvent and redefine yourself in ways you never thought possible.  The conflict and stress of keeping an unhappy marriage together, for whatever reason, takes its toll.

Once you’ve drawn a line and are able to move on a new phase in your life can open up and it is possible that you may be happier than ever before.

This I know for sure.

[ENDS]

The post 6 Steps to breaking the ‘unlucky in love’ cycle   appeared first on Dating Coach Ané Auret.

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Knowing and understanding who you are in love, how you function in relationships and why you choose the people you do is crucial in attracting the right person for you and creating the long-term relationship you’re looking for.

We can’t change what we don’t know,
we can’t let go of what we’re not aware of,
we repeat what we don’t heal.

Your relationships are a reflection of the relationship you have with yourself. How you project and perceive yourself and your place in the world – and how you choose to engage with the world around you on a daily basis. At the root of your relationship with yourself is the awareness and understanding of who you are, what you’re about, who and how you love, and why. In a love, dating and relationship context we’re talking about relational self-awareness. 

In one of my absolute favourite (and recommended) Relationship Books, Loving Bravely, Dr Andrea Solomon describes relational self-awareness as the most important quality to look for in a romantic partner. It’s an essential indicator of the long-term viability of any relationship – and is of course needed on both sides to build the foundation for a healthy and happy relationship.

Knowing and understanding yourself is one of life’s most exciting, but also often one of the most unsettling and painful journeys we experience. There is the ‘you’ you get to know as an individual – but there is also the ‘you’ in the context of relationships, in the close proximity of another person who may be triggering and stirring all sorts of feelings and responses inside you.

Sadly it often takes a serious or traumatic life event like illness, divorce or grief to take us to the place where we start questioning who we really are and what we’re all about.

Understanding ourselves is one thing, one side of the coin so to speak. How we feel about the person we see in the mirror is the other. How we love, value and take care of ourselves are also reflected in the people we choose to have relationships with and the behaviour we’re willing to accept in our lives.

Taking the time to get to know yourself, explore the light and the shadow sides of who you really are is not just a gift to yourself, but also to your future partner, relationship and children if that’s part of your path.

Doing this work and the healing that comes with it is never linear and will ask a lot of you from time to time. But it’s always worth it.

As part of my coaching practice, I work with my clients on taking this journey back to themselves. Stripping it all back in the way that will help them move forward with new awareness, new understanding and a new focus.

But before we get to Self Awareness, understanding and knowledge we’re looking for there is the actual step of Self Reflection – asking yourself the questions that matter. There are countless ways of doing this, and many resources to help you do so. This is in no way an exhaustive list, but it is a starting point to see what resonates with you and see what you find most helpful. These are all part of the toolkit I use with my clients on a daily basis.

6 Recommended Dating and Relationship Tools and Resources to get to know yourself in love 1. Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages 

The 5 Love Languages® official assessment is free to use and discovering your Love Language Profile will explain your primary love language, what it means, and how you can use it to connect with others.  It is very useful to complete whether you’re single or in an existing relationship.

This is a tool I wish I discovered way back in my twenties instead of years later. In essence, the idea is that we are all different in the way that we understand, perceive, express and receive love. My idea of feeling loved, or what I do to express my love to you will most likely not be the same for you at all.

We tend to express love the way we feel most loved, but this can mean a mismatch and misunderstanding with your partner right from the start.

For example, my primary love language (what I need most) is Quality Time – while Neil’s primary love language (what he needs most from me) is Acts of Service.

Chapman explains the concept like this: 

“My conclusion after thirty years of marriage counselling is that there are basically five emotional love languages – five ways that people speak and understand emotional love. In the field of linguistics, a language may have numerous dialects or variations. Similarly, within the five basic emotional love languages, there are many dialects…The important thing is to speak the love language of your spouse.”

The five languages are pretty straightforward –  here’s a brief description of what each of them means:
  • Words of Affirmation: Expressing affection through spoken affection, praise, or appreciation.
  • Acts of Service: Actions, rather than words, are used to show and receive love.
  • Receiving Gifts: Gifting is symbolic of love and affection.
  • Quality Time: Expressing affection with undivided, undistracted attention.
  • Physical Touch: It can be sex or holding hands. With this love language, the speaker feels affection through physical touch.

The most important takeaway is to know your love language(s) so you can speak your partner’s language fluently and also to be able to ask better for what it is that you need and want.

2. Helen Fisher’s Personality Quiz: Discover your Personality Signature and learn more about who you are, whom you seek and how you love

     

I love Helen Fisher’s work because she is the world leader in researching and answering the questions that I’m personally obsessed with: Why do we love who we love, and why do love how we love?

She has a lot of helpful articles, books and TED talks that you can easily find online, but for this article, I’m sharing her ‘Personality Quiz’ that has now been taken by over 14 million people in 40 countries.

In this instance, we’re taking more an of physiology / biological approach to self-awareness and test the degree to which you express four broad styles of thinking and behaving, each associated with one of four basic brain systems: the dopamine, serotonin, testosterone and estrogen systems.

We call these four types the:
  • Explorer: those who primarily express the traits linked with the dopamine system.
  • Builder: those who primarily express the traits linked with the serotonin system.
  • Director: those who primarily express the traits linked with the testosterone system.
  • Negotiator: those who primarily express the traits linked with the estrogen system.

The Personality Quiz is designed for you to discover your “personality signature” And to find out how your style of thinking and behaving influence who you find romantically attractive, what you seek in a mate, and how you will get along with a long-term partner.

3. Attached – The Book by DR. Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller, M.A: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find-And Keep-Love

Prior to entering the Dating & Relationship Coaching arena and becoming a coach for women I worked in the Child Protection field for nearly 15 years with women and children.

As a trained Social worker, there was a lot of emphasis on childhood attachment and how that impacted outcomes for children later in their lives. I, therefore, have a very strong interest in Adult Attachment and how that carries through from childhood into our adult relationships.

There’re a lot of resources around attachment styles and patterns online, and in my view understanding, this part of yourself is one of the most important things you can ever do for yourself, and every other relationship, but especially your romantic relationship.

Pioneered by psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby, the field of attachment posits that each of us behaves in relationships in one of three distinct ways:
  • ANXIOUS people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back
  • AVOIDANT people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.
  • SECURE people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving

In the book Attached, psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr Amir Levine and Rachel Heller reveal how an understanding of adult attachment – the most advanced relationship science in existence today – can help us find and sustain love.

Also central to the science of attachment is the discovery that our need to be in a close relationship is embedded in our genes. So, contrary to what many relationship experts today may tell us about the importance of remaining emotionally “self-sufficient”, attachment research shows us that our need to be close to our partner is essential. That, in fact, we can’t live without it.

In this book Levine and Heller guide readers in determining what attachment style they and their mate – or potential mate – follow, offering a roadmap, starting from the first date, for building stronger, more fulfilling connections with the people they love.

Here is a quick quiz that you can use to get you started to explore your own adult attachment style. 

4. Looking for Love? 7 Questions to ask yourself first. Discover your unique Love Blocks with Dating Coach Ané Auret

Unless you get to the root of what is blocking love in your life, you won’t change your experience of love. Discovering what may be causing you to settle, compromise or sabotage yourself and your relationships is one of the most important things you can ever do for yourself and any future relationship. I call these obstacles our ‘Love Blocks’ – and we all have them to some extent.

The 7 Questions Journalling Workbook is designed to help you uncover, understand and resolves your unique Love Blocks – the destructive beliefs, fears, doubts, insecurity and unresolved pain that may be there under the surface and holding you back in ways that you may not be fully aware of.

It’s so easy to focus on our attention on what it is that we want that we sometimes forget about actually creating space for it by getting rid of what stands in our way in the first place.

This short workbook with 7 key questions and guided prompts help shine a light on those areas you need to pay attention to and let go of to move on from feeling stuck and instead attract love from a place of clarity, confidence and strength.

5. The Ultimate Relationship Readiness Quiz: Are you ready for your next relationship?  Find out here.

Are you actually ready for the relationship you say you want? In all areas of your life? Just because you’re single, or just because you want a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean you’re ready to actually be in that relationship.

If you’re serious about making your next relationship work – take your time to make sure you are true relationship ready.

Be kind and patient with yourself. And with the process, you’re going through. Getting through a painful breakup or divorce is a traumatic experience that brings a huge amount of pain and grief into your life – and it’s not to be skipped over lightly.

Many people deal with their pain (and fear of being alone) through getting involved with somebody else – often too soon. I hear from my clients how they’ve repeated these cycles of getting into new relationships without ever resolving why they didn’t work out in the first place. That’s often where we start our work. Unravelling it all and set them on a new path to finally have the lasting and fulfilling relationship and deep connection they want.

If you’re in a place right now where you’re thinking about whether you’re ready for your next relationship – check out this Relationship Readiness Quiz and find out whether there any areas in your life that may potentially sabotage your love life in future.

6. Getting Past Your Past – The Definitive Workbook to Emotional Healing, Health and Happiness – by Susan J. Elliot 

It is often said that the best indicator of your future is to look at the past. But when it comes to repeating failed relationships and destructive habits and patterns that keep us stuck I wholeheartedly disagree.

You can absolutely change your relationship future, no matter what you’ve tried in the past and it didn’t work for you. You are meant to have a relationship that is fulfilling, healthy and happy on every level. Getting there may take some work, and will need you to take responsibility for your part in your story, but you absolutely have the power to re-write that story.

Sometimes it needs you take a step back and take a very close look at your past, and how it brought you to where you are now. This resource helps you to do that in an in-depth way.

Many women in my community and some of my clients come out of long-term relationships or marriages that have broken down and are at various stages of their grief and healing stages. I find Susan Elliot’s books, blog and other resources full of real life, straightforward and practical advice and strategies and recommend you check but her website to see what resonates best with you.

The Getting Past Your Past Workbook  Please note: This is not a free resource – this Workbook costs $19.99. I’m not affiliated with this product, but I do wholeheartedly recommend it if you want to make a serious investment in terms of time and energy in your own healing.

You can either work through this on your own, with a friend or with someone like a coach or counsellor/therapist. It’s a very in-depth process with a huge amount of practical exercises for reflection, journaling and preparing and planning your next steps.

I hope you find these tools useful. I’d love to hear your thoughts and especially your recommendations on what you’ve found helpful when using other tools and resources.

The post 6 Dating and Relationship Tools and Resources appeared first on Dating Coach Ané Auret.

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Knowing and understanding who you are in love, how you function in relationships and why you choose the people you do is crucial in attracting the right person for you and creating the long term relationship you’re looking for.

We can’t change what we don’t know

We can’t let go of what we’re not aware of 

We repeat what we don’t heal 

Your relationships are a reflection of the relationship you have with yourself, how you project and perceive yourself and your place in the world – and how you choose to engage with the world around you on a daily basis.  At the root of your relationship with yourself is the awareness and understanding of who you are, what you’re about, who and how you love, and why.  In a love, dating and relationship context we’re talking about relational self awareness. 

In one of my absolute favourite (and recommended) Relationship Books, Loving Bravely, Dr. Andrea Solomon describes relational self awareness as the most important quality to look for in a romantic partner.  It is an essential indicator for the long-term viability of any relationship – and is of course needed on both sides to build the foundation for a healthy and happy relationship.

Knowing and understanding yourself is one of life’s most exciting, but also often often one of the most unsettling and painful journeys we experience.  There is the ‘you’ you get to know as an individual – but there is also the ‘you’ in the context of relationships, in the close proximity of another person who may be triggering and stirring all sorts of feelings and responses inside you.

Sadly it often takes a serious or traumatic life event like illness, divorce or grief to take us to the place where we start questioning who we really are and what we’re all about.

Understanding ourselves is one thing, one side of the coin so to speak. How we feel about the person we see in the mirror is the other  – how we love, value and take care of ourselves are also reflected in the people we choose to have relationships with and the behaviour we’re willing to accept in our lives.

Taking the time to get to know yourself, explore the light and the shadow sides of who you really are is not just a gift to yourself, but also to your future parter, relationship and children if that’s part of your path.

Doing this work and the healing that comes with it is never linear, and will ask a lot of you from time to time. But it’s always worth it.

As part of my coaching practice I work with my clients on taking this journey back to themselves – stripping it all back in the way that will help them move forward with new awareness, new understanding and new focus.

But before we get to Self Awareness, understanding and knowledge we’re looking for there is the actual step of Self Reflection – asking yourself the questions that matter.  There are countless ways of doing this, and many resources to help you do so.  This is in no way an exhaustive list, but it is a starting point to see what resonates with you and see what you find most helpful.  These are all part of the toolkit I use with my clients on a daily basis.

6 Recommended Dating and Relationship Tools and Resources to get to know yourself in love
  1. Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages 

The 5 Love Languages® official assessment is free to use and discovering your Love Language Profile will explain your primary love language, what it means, and how you can use it to connect to others.  It is very useful to complete whether you’re single or in an existing relationship.

This is a tool I wish I discovered way back in my twenties instead of years later.  In essence the idea is that we are all different in the way that we understand, perceive, express and receive love. My idea of feeling loved, or what I do to express my love to you will most likely not be the same for you at all.

We tend to express love the way we feel most loved, but this can mean a mismatch and misunderstanding with your partner right from the start.

For example, my primary love language (what I need most) is Quality Time – while Neil’s primary love language (what he needs most from me) is Acts of Service.

Chapman explains the concept like this: 

“ My conclusion after thirty years of marriage counselling is that there are basically five emotional love languages—five ways that people speak and understand emotional love. In the field of linguistics a language may have numerous dialects or variations. Similarly, within the five basic emotional love languages, there are many dialects….The important thing is to speak the love language of your spouse.”

The five languages are pretty straightforward –  here’s a brief description of what each of them mean:

  • Words of Affirmation: Expressing affection through spoken affection, praise, or appreciation.
  • Acts of Service: Actions, rather than words, are used to show and receive love.
  • Receiving Gifts: Gifting is symbolic of love and affection.
  • Quality Time: Expressing affection with undivided, undistracted attention.
  • Physical Touch: It can be sex or holding hands. With this love language, the speaker feels affection through physical touch.

The most important takeaway is to know your love language(s) so you can speak your partner’s language fluently and also to be able to ask better for what it is that you need and want.

  1. Helen Fisher’s Personality Quiz : Discover your Personality Signature and learn more about who you are, whom you seek and how you love

     

I love Helen Fisher’s work because she is the world leader in researching and answering the questions that I’m personally obsessed with – why do we love who we love, and why do love how we love?

She has a lot of helpful articles, books and TED talks that you can easily find online, but for this article I’m sharing her ‘Personality Quiz’ that has now been taken by over 14 million people in 40 countries.

In this instance we’re taking more a of physiology / biological approach to self awareness and test the degree to which you express four broad styles of thinking and behaving, each associated with one of four basic brain systems: the dopamine, serotonin, testosterone and estrogen systems. We call these four types the:

  • Explorer: those who primarily express the traits linked with the dopamine system.
  • Builder: those who primarily express the traits linked with the serotonin system.
  • Director: those who primarily express the traits linked with the testosterone system.
  • Negotiator: those who primarily express the traits linked with the estrogen system.

The Personality Quiz is designed for you discover your “personality signature” And to find out how your style of thinking and behaving influence who you find romantically attractive, what you seek in a mate, and how you will get along with a long-term partner.

3. Attached – The Book by DR. Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller, M.A  :       The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find-And Keep-Love

Prior to entering the Dating & Relationship Coaching arena and becoming a coach for women I worked in the Child Protection field for nearly 15 years with women and children.

As a trained Social worker there was a lot of emphasis on childhood attachment and how that impacted outcomes for children later in their lives.  I therefore have a very strong interest in Adult Attachment and how that carries through from childhood into our adult relationships.

There are a lot of resources around attachment styles and patterns online, and in my view understanding this part of yourself is one of the most important things you can ever do for yourself, and every other relationship, but especially your romantic relationship.

Pioneered by psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby, the field of attachment posits that each of us behaves in relationships in one of three distinct ways:

  • ANXIOUS people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back
  • AVOIDANT people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.
  • SECURE people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving

In the book Attached, psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller reveal how an understanding of adult attachment—the most advanced relationship science in existence today—can help us find and sustain love.

Also central to the science of attachment is the discovery that our need to be in a close relationship is embedded in our genes; so, contrary to what many relationship experts today may tell us about the importance of remaining emotionally “self-sufficient”, attachment research shows us that our need to be close to our partner is essential. That, in fact, we can’t live without it.

In this book Levine and Heller guide readers in determining what attachment style they and their mate—or potential mate—follow, offering a road map, starting from the first date, for building stronger, more fulfilling connections with the people they love.

Here is a quick quiz that you can use to get you started to explore your own adult attachment style. 

  1. Looking for Love?  7 Questions to ask yourself first.  Discover your unique Love Blocks with Dating Coach Ané Auret

Unless you get to the root of what is blocking love in your life, you will not change your experience of love. Discovering what may be causing you to settle, compromise or sabotage yourself and your relationships is one of the most important things you can ever do for yourself and any future relationship.  I call these obstacles our ‘Love Blocks’ – and we all have them to some extent.

The 7 Questions Journalling Workbook is designed to help you uncover, understand and resolves your unique Love Blocks – the destructive beliefs, fears, doubts, insecurity and unresolved pain that may be there under the surface and holding you back in ways that you may not be fully aware of.

It is so easy to focus on our attention on what it is that we want that we sometimes forget about actually creating space for it bey getting rid of what stands in our way in the first place.

This short workbook with 7 key questions and guided prompts help shine a light on those areas you need to pay attention to and let go of to move on from feeling stuck and instead attract love from a place of clarity, confidence and strength.

5. The Ultimate Relationship Readiness Quiz : Are you ready for your next relationship?  Find out here.

Are you actually ready for the relationship you say you want?  In all areas of your life? Just because you’re single, or just because you want a relationship doesn’t necessary mean you’re ready to actually be in that relationship.

If you’re serious about making your next relationship work – take your time to make sure you are truly relationship ready.

Be kind and patient with yourself.  And with the process you’re going through.  Getting through a painful breakup or divorce is a traumatic experience that brings a huge amount of pain and grief into your life – and it’s not to be skipped over lightly.

Many people deal with their pain (and fear of being alone) through getting involved with somebody else – often too soon.   I hear from my clients how they’ve repeated these cycles of getting into new relationships without ever resolving why they didn’t work out in the first place. That’s often where we start our work. Unravelling it all and setting them on a new path to finally have the lasting and fulfilling relationship and deep connection they want.

If you’re in a place right now where you’re thinking about whether you’re ready for your next relationship –  check out this Relationship Readiness Quiz and find out whether there any areas in your life that may potentially sabotage your love life in future.

6.  Getting Past Your Past – The Definitive Workbook to Emotional Healing, Health and Happiness – by Susan J. Elliot 

It is often said that the best indicator of your future is to look at the past.  But when it comes to repeating failed relationships and destructive habits and patterns that keep us stuck I wholeheartedly disagree.

You can absolutely change your relationship future, no matter what you’ve tried in the past and it didn’t work for you.  You are meant to have a relationship that is fulfilling, healthy and happy on every level.  Getting there may take some work, and will need you to take responsibility for your part in your story, but you absolutely have the power to re-write that story.

Sometimes it needs you take a step back and take a very close look at your past, and how it brought you to where you are now.  This resource helps you to do that in an in-depth way.

Many women in my community and some of my clients come out of long term relationships or marriages that have broken down and are at various stages of their grief and healing stages.  I find Susan Elliot’s books, blog and other resources full of real life, straightforward and practical advice and strategies and recommend you check but her website to see what resonates best with you.

The Getting Past Your Past Workbook   Please note: This is not a free resource – this Workbook costs $19.99.  I’m not affiliated with this product, but I do wholeheartedly recommend it if you want to make a serious investment in terms of time and energy in your own healing.

You can either work through this on your own, with a friend or with someone like a coach or counsellor / therapist.   It’s a very in-depth process with a huge amount of practical exercises for reflection, journalling and preparing and planning your next steps.

I hope you find these tools useful – I’d love to hear your thoughts and especially your recommendations on what you’ve found helpful when using other tools and resources.

The post 6 Dating and Relationship Tools and Resources appeared first on Dating Coach Ané Auret.

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I’ve been having some really interesting discussions about what ‘relationship ready’ actually means, and whether there is a difference between being ‘ready to date’ and actually being ‘ready to start a relationship’ – or being in a long term, committed relationship.

I believe there is.  This is very subjective – and an extremely personal decision that only you can make. I thought I’d share with you some questions you can use to check in with yourself.

I’d love to know a bit more about you – where would you say you’re up to right now? Hit reply and let me know! 

– Staying single for a while longer?

– Ready to start dating?

– Carry on dating?

– Actually relationship ready? Maybe your first relationship after a breakup or divorce?

– Fully ready for perhaps marriage and lifelong commitment?

Here are 7 questions you can ask yourself to get started and work out whether you’re dating or relationship ready:  1. What is the length of time after your breakup or divorce? 

First – there are no rules here.  Many experts recommend waiting at least a year after a big breakup or divorce before you start dating again.  Everybody process their emotions, grief and pain differently, and at a different pace.  The important thing here is that you give yourself enough time – whatever that means to you.

What would be the reason to rush into the next relationship just to find yourself pulling back because you know deep down you’re not ready?  Maybe you’ve even been on the receiving end of that kind of situation and you may know that it can be incredibly confusing and painful.

2. What were the circumstances of your breakup or divorce? 

Again a really big topic that I will cover in much more detail in future.

Some women I speak are dating again, but still struggling to come to terms with their breakup or divorce. Others say that their relationship or marriage have been over for a long time before the actual split.  Some are more ready than others, especially emotionally to meet new people and consider the possibility of a new relationship. Some are still carrying a lot of pain, anger, grief and blame. Others have made the decision to forgive and move on.

Dating and looking for a new relationship from a place of loneliness or neediness is never a good starting point and it will come across eventually, we can’t help it. Be honest about where you are and take your time to really resolve what is in your own heart to know what you’re ready for.

3. Is this your first step back into the dating scene?

If it is you may feel a little overwhelmed.  Some of my clients haven’t dated in 10-20 years and find the whole online dating scene especially tricky to navigate. It’s hard to get back out there if your confidence is not quite what it could be, amongst everything else you’re dealing with.  If you’re taking your first steps to get back out there so to speak, take it a little slow and focus more on getting to know people, create friendships and get to know yourself again in this new stage of your life.

4. Would this be your first relationship after your breakup or divorce? 

I’m the last person who will say that you shouldn’t get serious about the first proper relationship after a breakup or divorce – but I would be incredible careful all the same. In my case I married my first serious partner after my divorce – and nearly 7 years later we’re really happy. But it was also chaotic and messy and very difficult for the first 3-4 years or so while we were both still reeling from previous breakups and struggling to find our feet. It can be done, I have to be honest and say I wouldn’t recommend getting too serious too soon.

I’ve certainly seen that a rebound relationship has the potential to be as painful as a divorce if it ends, because it often exacerbates the pain and (delayed) grief of a divorce in ways you can’t even imagine.

5. What kind of relationship are you looking for?

It is it something fun, casual and light? Is it just companionship? Or something deeper but probably not long term?  Or is it the full works – deep and lasting commitment?  Maybe even getting married again?

Whatever it is – it is of course totally, 100% fine to be exactly where you are right now. The important thing is to be honest and patient with yourself, and the other party.

6. Taking your responses to your Relationship Readiness quiz in account. How are your lowest rated areas potentially impacting your capacity to attract the right person and create a new relationship? 

This is a very simple one.  I know the quiz is not the beginning and the end of everything we’re talking about here, and it is certainly not any scientific indication of your personal readiness. It is, however, a good tool to help you pinpoint those (invisible) blocks and barriers that may get in your way – and it’s an indication of the areas you personally need to pay attention to. So keep it close and take your answers seriously.

7. On the flipside. How are your highest rated areas from the quiz supporting you in taking your next steps to date confidently, attract the right person for you and create a new relationship? 

It’s always important to recognise and focus on your strengths too – you certainly do have them!

The post Are you ‘date ready’ or ‘relationship ready’? 7 Questions to ask yourself appeared first on Dating Coach Ané Auret.

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So you’re working on your own Relationship Readiness – but it’s obviously a two-way street right?

It’s just as important to be able to spot red flags and tune into someone else’s readiness for a relationship as it is to be clear on your own. 

If you’ve ever been involved with somebody who appeared to be ‘ready’ on the surface and it transpired that they really weren’t ready to date, or be in a relationship you’ll know what I’m talking about.  Best case scenario it can be a little uncomfortable and disappointing. – Worst case you can set yourself up for absolute heartbreak.

When you’re at the stage in your life where you’re ready to meet the right person for you, it’s obviously crucial to attract a man who is on the same wavelength as you. Somebody who’s also ready to meet the love of their life and who wants to create a committed, long term relationship. 

Over the years I’ve learnt that men behave in a certain way when they’re relationship ready and commitment ready.  And for them it really is quite straightforward in many ways.

Once they decide, that’s it.

They no longer ‘keep their options open’.

They no longer play games and keep you guessing.

In fact, they do everything in their power to make sure you know how they feel about you. You will absolutely know when a man is certain and ready to be in a committed relationship with you.

Here are some signs to look out for to help you recognise a man that is ready – and whether to invest your own time and energy in taking your relationship to the next level. 
  1. He consistently invests and prioritises time spent with you.
    You know where you stand with him. He shows you that you’re his priority and that he intentionally wants to spend time with you. Whatever it takes and whatever that means for the two of you. (Sidenote: *If a man says he is ‘too busy’ – believe him and don’t try and change or over invest your time into seeing him)
  2. His actions match his words. He does what he says he’s going to do, when he says he’s going to do it. You develop a deep knowing that you can trust what he says because he demonstrates it in big and small ways. You go to sleep at night without any worry or concern that he may not be trustworthy or that he has something to hide.
  3. He is emotionally mature and feels confident in his own skin 
    He’s sorted and he has his life together. He’s created a life that he loves, he has a compelling vision for his future and is confident in his ability to create that. Now he’s looking for a team mate, a partner that will be by his side all the way. And he’s not willing to settle. He’s open to sharing how he feels and embraces your feelings too, instead of shying away, make you feel like ‘too much’ or that your vision for your future is less important.
  4. He’s not stuck in the past and takes responsibility for his part in previous relationship breakdown / divorce
    He’s truly moved on from his ex and previous relationship/marriage on every level. He can talk about his past in a constructive way and recognise ways that he could possibly have done things differently and takes responsibility for his own actions. He’s done the work to figure out how he can make his next relationship a success, and he doesn’t carry anger, bitterness or an unforgiving attitude towards an ex-partner. He still believes in commitment and he’s willing and open to work on a relationship.
  5. It’s not just about sex 
    He’ll wait until you’re ready, and is just as affectionate outside the bedroom as inside. He’s comfortable with deepening intimacy over time. Both sexually and emotionally and takes his time to learn what works for you and what doesn’t.
  6. He really wants to get to know you and pay attention to the detail about your life
    He’s interested in what makes you tick, and the more he gets to know you the more he wants to know. It’s easy being around him because he is at ease with himself and he loves your quirks and idiosyncrasies. He listens when you speak and surprises you in big and small ways to make you feel loved and cared for in a way that is meaningful to you.
  7. You’re becoming part of his future. 
    Whether it’s introducing you to his friends, family, colleagues or children, making weekend or holiday plans – or just planning a night out, you are part of his plans and his future.
If you’re looking for a long term, committed relationship it’s just crucial to decide where you invest your time and energy.

Listen to your gut feeling, your instinct when you’re in those early phases of getting to know someone.

It can be easy to feel responsible for things not going in the right direction when you’re with someone who isn’t ready to be in a relationship. They may have the best intentions and not even realise this themselves.  *Rebound relationships are often particularly tricky and it would be wise to go into something like that with eyes wide open. 

If you find that you’re constantly doubting yourself, feeling insecure and second-guessing whether you’re being ‘too much’, or ‘not enough’, and whether you should ‘do more’, or work harder at being with someone in order to make the relationship work. Those are some really big red flags to pay attention to. It may be that they’re just not ready. Or it may be that there are deeper issue that mean you’re incompatible.

There are many really great high-quality, relationship ready and commitment ready men out there.  I know it may not feel like it – there is definite a lot of evidence to the contrary – I get that.  But I know they are there.

And the best way of attracting and meeting the right person for you is to put everything you can into working on your own life and your own relationship readiness.

There’s nothing more attractive or sexier than a woman who is authentically confident in who she is and who lives her life on her terms – alive, aligned and all in.  To me this is what it means to be ‘ready for love’.

That way you’ll exponentially increase the chances of meeting somebody on your own wavelength. Ready to have an amazing dating journey with and working towards creating the relationship of a lifetime with the love of your life.

The post Relationship Readiness: 7 Signs of a Relationship Ready Man appeared first on Dating Coach Ané Auret.

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Are you staying in a situation that is keeping you stuck and causing you to constantly question and doubt yourself?  Is there somebody in your life that you’re just not sure about but find it hard to stay away from or leave?

So today I want to talk to you about an experience I think the vast majority of us share.  You know the one! Where you’ve had niggling feelings or doubts about somebody you met, dated or had a relationship with (or even married in my case). Where your gut feeling was telling you that something isn’t quite right, but you went ahead anyway?

It’s natural to have some doubts about a relationship sometimes – going through that process in our heads and hearts can help us decide whether somebody is the right person for us, or not.

But what if deep down you already know that this person and this relationships is not right for you.

Why are we so good at overriding our gut feeling and still carry on?

I really don’t have a straightforward answer for this. The reasons are unique to everybody’s individual situation and circumstances and can be so deep-rooted that we’re not even always consciously aware of it.

– It’s often connected to believing you can ‘change’ or ‘save’ somebody. If you just do more or work harder on the relationship or yourself.

– It can also be that you feel that this is as good as it’s ever going to get for you. That you don’t deserve any better or perhaps you’ve never known any better.  Maybe this person did a very good job of convincing you that nobody else is going to want to be with you.

– It could be that there are certain habits, patterns or co-dependent type behaviors that keep you stuck or cause you to choose the same type of toxic relationships over and over again.

Can you relate?

As I said before – the reasons for staying can be varied, complex to understand and often hard to admit to yourself.   And this is another place where you may be stuck – you already know you need to leave, but finding the strength and courage to walk away is a different story, and one for another day.

I totally get that. – I stayed when I shouldn’t have and I ignored my instinct more times than I feel comfortable admitting.

Overriding my gut feeling by rationalizing, ignoring, finding excuses or explaining away whatever it was at the time. Maybe you can also relate to this.

It takes brutal honesty with yourself to admit that your choices are not serving you. That can be really hard. Especially of you’ve already invested so much of your time, hopes and dreams in a relationship.

It can be easy to talk yourself into a relationship even if it makes you feel insecure and miserable. – While you end up accepting behavior and doing things you wouldn’t normally do just to avoid rejection.

There’re many examples of red flags that can appear while you’re in the early stage of dating someone – or they may appear later on when you’re actually in a relationship.  And yes, these are all too clear in hindsight.

Sometimes they are very clear danger signs ie. uncontrolled anger, rage, blame, violence – and other times it can be more subtle, ie. lack of integrity, inconsistent behavior, controlling behavior, deception etc.

When you google ‘dating red flags’ you will find lots of resources. – But once you know what they are and what the look like to you, what do you do next?

I put together these 10 questions to help you think through what is going on for you and to hopefully get some clarity and help you decide what to do next:

* These questions may, or may not be relevant to you right now – but do make a mental note of them so that just in case. – If you ever find yourself in a situation where you’re not sure – you can come back to them. Or share them with a friend.

10 Questions to identify dating ‘red flags’

1. Is this ‘insert red flag’ a deal breaker for me?  If it’s an absolute non-negotiable requirement for your relationship to work, or not –  then you have your answer. This should be a black and white, crystal clear decision.

2.What will my (and my children’s) life look like in 3-6-12 months from now with this person/these circumstances in my/our life?

3. What is keeping me with this person or what it stopping me from leaving?

4. What do I get out of holding on to this person and/or relationship?

5. What is it going to cost me to hold on to this person and/or relationship? What has it already cost me to be with this person/in this relationship?

6. What is it that I need to learn from this situation?

7. What is this situation reflecting back to me about myself?

8. What is my responsibility / my part in creating and choosing this situation?

9. What am I going to choose to do? And by when?

10. What support will I need to help me through this?

Bonus question: How do you really want to  FEEL in your relationship?  And if you don’t feel like this, what are going you doing to do about it?

You will see that I have used the words ‘choose’ quite a few times.  Please remember that you always, always have a choice – and not making that that choice?  That is still a choice.

I really do know how hard this can be.  I’ve been in that place where I’ve felt completely paralysed – knowing what the right thing was to do, but not having the strength to actually do it.  As so often happens in life, when we don’t take control and make the decisions we need to make it gets taken out of our hands and events out of our control or circumstances force us to do something.

If you’re feeling stuck and unsure – just remember that you alone can decide to create a different reality for yourself.  Don’t get stuck with the wrong person only for the true love of your life to pass you by because you’re not available. This is your life. Make sure that the place you find yourself in life in 1-5-10-20 years from now is because you chose to be there.

The post 10 Questions to identify dating ‘red flags’ appeared first on Dating Coach Ané Auret.

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The nature of what I do means I get to have thought provoking and sometimes challenging conversations about love, dating and relationships – and I love it all.

Over time I’ve noticed that virtually every conversation I have with the wonderful women who contact me for dating, love and relationship advice starts with ‘DOING’ type questions.

*What do I need to do to meet more people / the right people?

*Where do I need to go?

*What should I say / not say / wear / not wear?

*When should I do x, y or z

*What can I do to get another person to feel a certain way?

*I’m doing everything I can possibly think of and it’s still not working for me?

*Everything else in my life is sorted apart from having the relationship I want and I don’t know what to do about it?

*What can I do to move on from my ex?

And while these are all valid and important questions – and of course we do delve into them, there is always THE ONE QUESTION that helps us to get to what we really need to talk about.

I want to share this with you because you may be asking the same questions, or your version of these right now.

There is something else that comes before ‘doing’ every single time.

In a world where we’re under fire from every angle to ‘do’ more this is a chance to step back and tap into what we really know to be true about ourselves.

I’ve learnt – in love and life (and business) – that the most helpful question is never really  about how you DO things. (If it was only about ‘doing the right things’ we would all be in happy, amazing relationships – because we can find virtually every single answer to our questions online.)

And because I believe the quality of our lives is shaped by the questions we ask ourselves it’s important that we know the right questions to ask.

When it comes to love and life the most helpful question to ask is simply:

“Who are you BEING today to have the love and life you want tomorrow?” Because Being Loved For Who You Are Needs You To Actually BE WHO YOU ARE. Unapologetically. All of You. 

Having the love (and life) you want needs you

  • to come out of the shadows of what you ‘should’ be doing and who you ‘should’ be
  • to stop hiding the sides of yourself you’ve come to believe are ‘not enough’ or ‘too much’
  • to stop playing small to make anyone else feel better about him/herself

It wants you, and needs you to show up for yourself first. 

But for so many of us this seems to be the greatest struggle of our lives.

Partly because we don’t even know what means for us right now.
Partly because the fear of our own brilliance scares us.

Whatever the desire, longing or craving in your heart – if you feel it, it’s because your soul (who you really are) recognises it and because it is possible and available to you.

But you need to be believe in the possibility of it first. You need to believe that it is available to you.  And then show up for it. 

Something inside you is calling out to be heard and seen – the same way you want the love of your life to hear and see you.

Your soul is yearning for you to live your full potential, in love and life. 

Will you choose to embrace all of yourself and in the process let yourself be seen?  

Over and over I see that there is no one size fits all ‘plan’ when it comes to love – and life.  Your journey is as unique as you are. It’s as unique as your BEING.

In all ways we need to find our own path – and the deep knowing that we are our own solution.

Any (dating; love; relationship) strategy you may follow, and tips or advice – no matter how good it sounds on the surface – will work unless you do what it takes to bring all of you to your journey.  Unless you bring who you really are.

You. Are. Unforgettable. Unstoppable. Unique. 

Please hear me – and believe me when I say that you have what it takes to have the love you want – and someone out there is hoping, praying and longing to meet you.  Not somebody like you – but you.

I know it feels like a struggle some times, or even most of the time. I know you doubt yourself at times. I know there are times when you feel that finding your person may never happen for you.  I remember feeling like this so often.

But the truth is that what you see and feel inside of you is what you will see outside of you. 

And if it isn’t what you want – only you have the power and responsibility to change it. That is fantastically good news.

Because you have so much more power than you may realise, or feel that you have at the moment.

Whether you’re feeling exhausted and disheartened with your journey to love, or you’re in the process of healing after a breakdown or divorce –

remember to focus on your BEING,

rather than your doing.

Knowing you. Being you. Fully you. The Real You. 

The shadow and the light.

The mess and the success.

This is where it’s at. Home.

I am absolutely 100% still on this journey too, and just writing this and being here with you reminds me of this every step of the way.  I’m with you.

Your Soulmate Love needs your Soul to shine and show up. And they’re waiting for you.

*Remember, the love and life you’re seeking is seeking you.

Ps. Have you joined The Next Chapter – my Private, Women-Only Facebook Group yet?  I’d LOVE to hang out with you there – and you can ask me anything you like anytime. Just hop over there now – it would be wonderful to welcome you! x

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Knowing and understanding who you are in love, how you function in your relationships and why and how you attract the people you do is crucial in attracting the right person for you and creating the committed relationship you’re looking for. 

I call this your Love Blueprint.   The way your romantic relationships play out in life is deeply rooted in your story of love – your attachment style, love languages, patterns, behaviours, choices and key decisions you’ve made about yourself and your place in the world.  It is a subconscious paradigm that has developed since your earlier moments in your family of origin and is still being developed today through your experiences and perceptions as you go through life. 

All of us have internalised what we’ve seen, heard, observed, felt and experienced as we grew up and much of that is still subconsciously driving our behaviours today as adults.

Your journey to love is as unique as you are – and so is your Love Blueprint.  

Sometimes we have blocks that are holding us back that we aren’t aware of.

The truth about attracting genuine, healthy love in your life is that unless you get to the root of what is blocking love from your life, or you may be blocking yourself from moving forward, you will not change your experience of of love.

Finding out what’s blocking you from finding the love you want (destructive beliefs, fears, doubts, insecurity and unresolved pain) gives you your power back when it comes to dating and creating a lasting, healthy and mature relationship.

For many of us our earliest experiences have been confusing and painful.  Based on this we’ve made some decisions along the way about ourselves, how we approach love and allow ourselves to be loved.

Many of us have also had relationship experiences later in life that have left us wounded, disillusioned and doubting ourselves, our ability to attract the right person for us and creating the lifelong commitment we want.

These Love Blocks determine who we attract and how we feel, behave and act in our relationships.  They show up in the men we choose to date, how we feel about ourselves in our relationships and how we perceive and experience giving and receiving love.

Most of these processes happen subconsciously – unless we take the time to become consciously aware and discover our own true nature.

A core part of your Love Blueprint is discovering your Love Blocks – and in this exercise it means discovering your deepest held beliefs about yourself, love, dating, men, relationships, intimacy and commitment at this stage in your life – given everything you’ve been through up to now.

I’ve compiled the 7 key questions to help you make a start – there are prompts with each question to help your thinking.  These are guidelines only and you can add as much you want – whatever comes up for you.  After you’ve completed the questions there is opportunity to reflect and bring it together and identify any patterns and other observations you may have.

It’s really best not to censor yourself or overthink this at all – just start writing and it will flow.

And take your time – it may take several days or weeks to work through this.  I find that when you start opening the door to these thoughts more and more things will come to you as time goes on because your subconscious will be working on it too.

Your Assignment – the key questions are numbered and then I’ve included prompts to support your thinking 1. What are my deepest held beliefs about Love, ie.

Love is….

Love isn’t…

In my life, love has always been…

When it comes to love, this is what I believe is possible for me…

This is what I know for sure when it comes to love…

2. What are my deepest held beliefs about Dating, ie.

Dating is….

Dating isn’t…

In my life, dating has always been…

When I think about dating I….

My approach to dating at the moment…

The purpose of dating is…

3. What are my deepest held beliefs about Men/Women?

Men/Women are….

Men/Women aren’t…

The Man/Woman I’m looking for is…

The Men/Women I’ve loved have this in common….

The way I recognise a Man/Woman truly loving me is…

4. What are my deepest held beliefs about Relationships (and more specifically long term, committed relationships/marriage?)

Relationships are…

Relationships aren’t …

My romantic relationships have always been…

When it comes to having the committed, long term relationship I want, this is what I believe is possible for me…

When it comes to a long term, committed relationship this I know for sure…

5. What are my deepest held beliefs about ME and love?

The love I deserve is ..

When it comes to love in an intimate relationship I am…

When it comes to love in an intimate relationship I want to feel…

When it comes to love in intimate relationships I believe the following is possible for me…

The ways I tend to sabotage myself and my relationships…

What I want more than anything…

Why I believe I don’t have what I want when it comes love/relationship…

Loving myself means…

6. What are my deepest held beliefs about physical intimacy and sex?

Intimacy/sex is…

Intimacy/sex isn’t…

In my life intimacy/sex has always been…

When it comes to intimacy/sex, this is what I believe is possible for me…

This is what I know for sure about intimacy/sex…

7. What are my deepest held beliefs about Commitment and being in the committed relationship I want?

Commitment is…

Commitment isn’t…

In my life,Commitment has always been…

When it comes to Commitment, this is what I believe is possible for me…

This is what I know for sure about Commitment…

Reflection and bringing it all together

When you look back at what you’ve written:

– is there anything that surprised you?

– did you notice any themes or patterns?

– anything you (now) consciously realise may be impacting on how you are experiencing your current dating and relationship journey?

Well done – you’ve done a huge amount of work and asked yourself questions that most people never really think about all their lives.

Please do keep your notes safe – this is an integral part of your journey ahead and I can’t wait to hear all about it as we dive deeper into your personal Love Blueprint.

You may feel inspired to keep this as a working document as we go along – and we will definitely reflect on it as we go through the process.

All my love

Ané

The post 7 Questions about love we should all ask ourselves appeared first on Dating Coach Ané Auret.

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If you are part of my community I would imagine that attracting and meeting the right person for you is a really important priority – am I right?

Not the ‘make every man want you’ kind – but finding, attracting and choosing the right person for you. Your person.

Whether you’ve been single for ages, dating for ages – or just starting out again after a breakup or divorce – in the end that is what we have in common, regardless of our personal circumstances or experiences.

‘Attracting the right person’ is the ultimate aim and obviously a huge part of the work that I do with my clients, so naturally it is something I talk about on a daily basis. And I love it because I see the shifts that happen for my clients and how their experiences change – not on a superficial level, but in a deeper, lasting way.

Now usually when somebody phones me up the first time we have this conversation in the context of ‘where’ they can meet the right person for them, and what more they can ‘do’ in terms of activities, choosing the right dating site or app, going to the right events or parties, joining in activities and hobbies etc. And this is of course all very important.

But here is the truth of it all:

When all is said and done – attraction is about this one thing: YOUR ENERGY

It isn’t about where you’re going or what you’re doing – it is about WHO YOU ARE BEING.

It’s not about how beautiful, successful or accomplished you are. I know, and work with a number of very attractive women who are super successful in their careers, but are still getting stuck when it comes to finding and attracting the right person for them.

Attraction is about energetic alignment between you and another person. It is the the ‘vibe’ or presence or aura (or whatever word you feel comfortable with here) – that we as human beings intuitively tune in to – or not. That thing that nobody can really put their finger on.

It can, of course also be an unhelpful attraction that could lead to a destructive relationship, but that’s a topic for another day.

Attraction (+ creating connection and eventually falling in love) is very much about how somebody else feels around you.

And how somebody feels when they’re around you, is connected to how you feel about yourself, how you perceive yourself, carry yourself, how authentically confident you are, how open you are to the potential of a relationship, intimacy, connection and much more.

Your personal energy – or as I call it – your personal Zone of Attraction – is a determining factor in the kind of people you attract and the kind of reality you are creating for yourself.

Because whatever dating strategy you’re using to meet people – site, app, events parties etc. – it is still YOU that turns up in ‘real life’.

So my question for you today is: “What does your energy or ‘vibe’ say about you?”

I want to help you set yourself up for success right from the start – and stop the struggle of sabotaging yourself, settling or selling yourself short when it comes to your relationships. And what I’m talking about here has the power to do exactly that.

I’ve put together a special, no cost online workshop for us to get into this in a lot more detail and I can’t wait to share it with you!

FREE ONLINE MASTER CLASS  How To Attract Your Perfect Partner Even If You Had Your Heart Broken, Feel Like You’ve Tried Everything Or Worry About Risking It All Again
RESERVE YOUR SPOT HERE

The post The Truth about Attracting the Right Person for You appeared first on Dating Coach Ané Auret.

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