Dating should be simple in today’s device-attached world with singles overly glued to their smartphones.
Does this mean finding a love online should be as easy as a few right swipes?
With the enormous and colorful bouquet of singles using dating apps and those hanging their hats on dating sites, it’s a big, beautiful digital playground, but how do you find your needle in the digital haystack?
To help with the cause, Joanna Coles, former editor in chief of Cosmopolitan and current chief content officer of Hearst magazines, published a new set of rules to help singles find love IRL.
I spoke recently spoke to Coles about her new book and why the search for ‘the one’ is so exhausting.
JS:In your book, you make the dating process more fun, by comparing it to a perfect delicious menu and going on a love diet. Why are food and dating so similar?
JC: I think food and dating are similar because we have huge appetites for both. We can’t live without them. When they are delicious, nothing tastes better. When they are junky and toxic, they put us down. You need to use your love calories wisely.
JS:How did you come up with this idea?
JC: I spent a lot of time at Cosmo hearing about dating apps and what they were doing to people. They were swiping endlessly to make a connection, but women were having lengthy text relationships and spending a month or more texting back-and-forth. Then when they’d meet, it was often a disappointment.
JS: What’s your opinion of dating apps?
JC: Dating apps help us meet more people you wouldn’t run up against, but it can feel transactional, like supermarket shopping. People are still searching and craving true intimacy. Dating apps are great as long as you don’t think you’ll find ‘the one.’ with one swipe. Let the app and algorithms do their work. They’re a wonderful arrow in your quiver and can greatly expand your social network.
JS: You believe singles should stop texting and get on the phone. Why is the phone date so important?
JC: The benefit of phone dates is enormous. People think they can fast-forward or microwave the first stages of the relationship. With texting, you get a false sense of intimacy that’s one-dimensional. When you move to a phone date, it takes it to two-dimensions. Singles bring so many expectations to these phone dates and real-life dates with the hope that they will be “the one.” You will know so much just by hearing the sound of their voice.
JS: You list 15 new rules or love hacks. What are you five favorite rules?
JC: 1. Stop with the comfort foods. It’s okay to be a little hungry.
Sleeping with an ex is like eating a doughnut at 4 pm. It’s easy to reach out into your past to get something sweet and familiar, but one hour later, you’re filled with remorse and are still hungry for the real nutrition.
The bottom line: You don’t have to sleep with your ex.
JC: 2. Hookups are like french fries.
There’s no such thing as a casual hookup. Once you have sex with people, feelings start getting involved. Hookups and french fries are both delicious in the moment, but you’ll wake up full of dater’s remorse.
The bottom line: It’s OK to have a hook-up every once in a while if you can handle it.
JC: 3. Porn is like chewing gum—all artificial flavor.
Porn sex is not real sex. It’s done from the viewfinder of the camera, and not from the point of what feels good. Eating ‘Chicken McNuggets’ because you’re hungry isn’t the same as eating organic chicken.
The bottom line: Porn isn’t a role model for intimacy.
JC: 4. Look for relationship role models.
Dating is like being on a job interview, where a future employer will ask, “Who’s your role model?” You know who your relationship role model is, but you’d never ask your date who their role model is.
To find your relationship role model, Coles suggests you jot down a list of couples you admire and those you see supporting each other. They could be your parents or a mentor. Share your relationship role model with your date. Then, ask your him or her who their role model is and listen to their answer.
The goal is to look for someone with similar qualities as your role model.
The bottom line: It’s a unique question to ask to determine your date’s values.
JC: 5. Life is a feast. Take your place at the table.
Embrace imperfection and find a mate who loves you for yours.
The bottom line: Finding love is like fine dining, where take the time to go through all of the courses on the menu.
Not everyone is perfect, but someone will be perfect for you.
The big takeaway from the book is to not solely on dating apps, to pick up the phone to hear the sound of someone’s voice, and to realize you’re on a journey to find love by creating a better quality and happier life.
Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She’s the CEO of Cyber-Dating Expert, and as an early adopter of Internet dating, has been coaching singles on finding love online for over two decades.
Facebook Playing Cupid? Julie Spira Weighs in on HLN. - YouTube
This week, Facebook announced they’d like to play Cupid by starting an online dating service on the social media giant.
While the reaction in the media was as if an earthquake had hit, I wasn’t shocked at all.
As a social network with over 200 million singles listing their relationship status as “single,” it’s a potentially large market for Facebook, who could have been the world’s largest dating site if they wanted to be.
On HLN-TV, I discussed the news with Michaela Pereira, as well as the timing of their announcement.
Sites such as Match, eHarmony, Plenty of Fish, OkCupid, and apps such as Tinder, Grindr, Happn, Hinge, and Bumble are doing a great job of connecting singles.
Keep in mind; most singles are joining more than one site, typically three.
There are the niche sites such as Farmer’s Only, Our Time, and JDate that focus on lifestyle, age, and religion, that many singles are finding love on.
This proposed service allows those who “opt-in” to agree to be a part of the new Facebook dating platform when it launches, giving you the opportunity to say yes, or no.
Facebook reports they are working on the essential issues of safety and security, which is vital for everyone looking for love online.
Five years ago, I created Facebook Love Stories, as a site to share stories of couples who found love through some of the features of Facebook. Finding a long-lost-love, or connecting through a friend-of-a-friend has been going on since the beginning of Facebook.
Dating on social media, or social dating is real. You can find love on Twitter and Instagram, and many have.
Would you use Facebook as a dating platform option?
Your comments are welcome.
Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She’s the CEO of Cyber-Dating Expert, and was an early adopter of Internet dating, helping singles find love online for over 20 years.
I’m a believer in truth-in-advertising, and as I said in my essay, Can Love Survive Trump, the challenges of dating in Trump’s America have been painful, and have resulted in reducing the dating pool by 50% for those with strong opinions on either side of the political spectrum.
This new survey of 2,000 singles in the U.S. conducted by online dating site Plenty of Fish shows that people are living and dating by their beliefs.
When I read the study, which claims that 34% of singles would rather have bad sex for the rest of their life than date a Trump supporter, I quickly realized this heated subject isn’t slowing down. Our commander-in-chief still affects the way singles select their dates online.
The Conversation survey breaks it down further and states:
59% of singles won’t start talking to someone whose dating profile promotes a different political opinion.
52% of Republicans and 65% of Democrats won’t start a conversation with a political opposite.
84% of singles find it’s best to openly discuss their divided views with their partner.
I asked POF’s Conversation Expert Celeste Headlee to weigh in and elaborate on these findings in the Conversation Nation 2018 study, to help answer questions that my dating coaching clients always ask.
Julie:Should singles post their political opinions in their dating profiles?
Celeste: It may not be a good idea to put your politics on your profile. As we can see, many people make quick decisions about dating based on political issues, and it’s much better (and less likely to cause friction) if you talk about them face-to-face.
Julie:When should someone bring up politics? Before a first date? In their profile? On the first date?
Celeste: It’s okay to choose one issue that you know you’re passionate about and bring it up on the first or second date, as long as you are kind while you do it, and have no intention of arguing. Let the other person know you’re just trying to see if the two of you are compatible.
Otherwise, leave that political conversation for the second or third date and don’t argue or yell at anyone. If they disagree and you can’t see yourself with that person, be honest and be kind.
Julie:Why has dating a Trump supporter become such a hostile issue?
Celeste: Dating a Trump supporter can be an issue for people because he’s the culmination of a long trend toward polarization and division in politics. Whatever you may think of him, the evidence shows he is the most divisive president in US history.
He has taken some extreme stances on many issues and that means he’s upset and offended people. So, it’s common for people to say that they can’t date a Trump supporter, or will only date a Trump supporter. We think that knowing someone’s position on the president tells us more about them than it really does.
Julie: Why is politics a bigger deal-breaker than bad grammar?
Celeste: One of the surprises in this study is that more people are turned off by bad grammar than by bad sex. But the number of people who won’t date across party lines is larger still.
At this point, it’s very difficult to avoid talking about politics, as nearly every aspect of our lives has become political: what we eat, what music we listen to, what movies we watch. So, it’s important to talk about politics with your date, but be prepared to listen more than you talk and not try to change anyone’s mind.
Julie: How can you communicate in a healthy way with someone with different political beliefs.
Celeste: If your goal is to learn about the other person’s opinions, instead of talking about your own and arguing your position, you’ll be much more likely to have a healthy conversation. If they say something you find troubling, you can say, “I disagree with you, but I’m interested in learning why you believe that.” It’s difficult and sometimes scary to talk about politics with other people, so be kind and be welcoming.
Julie: How can liberals and conservatives co-exist in the dating world?
Celeste: Liberals and conservatives can date each other and be happy. The most common reasons for divorce are money, cheating, and a lack of together time, not politics. If you can learn to allow the other person to have their own thoughts and opinions, to discuss without arguing, to stop trying to change their mind or convince them they’re wrong, you will get along just fine.
What happens in government will not, in the long run, determine the success or failure of your relationship. If you create a party loyalty test for all of your dates, you may end up walking away from someone who is a perfect match for you in every other way.
On that note, has dating in Trump’s America affected your choice of daters, or caused tension in your relationship?
Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She’s the CEO of Cyber-Dating Expert and has been coaching singles on finding love online for 24 years with her Irresistible Profiles programs.
If I could have the magic wand to guarantee you’d have chemistry on a first date, I’d bottle it up and sell shares on the public market.
It’s quite likely most of you will assume that physical attraction is what results in that chemical attraction, right? Of course both men and women are physical and have a “type,” but did you know that the quality of your conversation ranks higher than physical looks when it comes to that magical feeling called chemistry?
A new Conversation Nation 2018 study released by online dating site Plenty of Fish found that singles still believe the quality of the conversation on the first date is critical to establishing meaningful connections.
Bad Grammar is worse than having bad sex
As a matter of fact, the study reveals that bad grammar is a bigger turn off than bad sex, as stated by 58% of singles. (Hint: Use spell-check, grammar, check, and watch out for auto-correct).
Since I believe singles need to give “good phone” as part of the digital courting process, I asked Celeste Headlee, conversation expert for POF to talk about the survey results and what singles should and shouldn’t talk about during a 20-minute phone date.
“Your first phone call might be focused on what kinds of things the other person likes to do,” said Headlee. For example, you can figure out what kind of date would make them happy.”
Phone conversations are important. They will determine if you get to the first date or not. They aren’t meant to feel like a job interview or deposition, but often the conversations go off the track.
Study: Questions to Avoid in First Conversations
Headlee provided a few questions that will doom your first convo including:
“What are you doing?”
“What do you like?”
“What are you looking for?”
I’d like to add to avoid questions about your dating history or why your last relationship ended. You’d be surprised how talking about an ex ends up as a default question in the first conversation, and it’s an instant buzz-kill.
Ask These Specific Questions
Not sure what to ask? Headlee provided a few easy starters including:
“What’s your position on pizza crust? Thin or deep dish?”
By keeping your conversation light, it can also lead to information helpful for moving onto a first date.
I know from over two decades of coaching singles, that some love going on casual coffee dates, where they can gracefully exit after 20 minutes, while others prefer a casual lunch to get to know someone better.
“Your first conversation and first date are both focused on one thing according to Headlee. Would I enjoy a second date with this person?” She adds, “You’re both testing the compatibility at that point, so it’s important to be genuinely curious about the other person.
The study suggests avoiding a movie or concert date in favor of a date that will nurture the conversation, such as dinner, coffee, or drinks.
The best news of the study is that 60% of those surveyed believe you can fall in love during the first conversation, so it’s time to stop swiping and start chatting.
Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may swipe or roam. xo
Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She’s the CEO and founder of Cyber-Dating Expert and has been coaching singles on finding love online for 24 years with her Irresistible Profiles programs.
On April 22nd the world will celebrate Earth Day. The awareness of Earth Day has grown dramatically since it was first started in 1970.
Now, we are taking it further and are honoring our earth all weekend long with ideas on where to take your date on this reminder to be eco-friendly.
According to PartyEarth.com, Earth Day is now celebrated by over one billion people in nearly 200 countries around the globe. They have a list of activities you can attend in a variety of cities around the world.
Here are some fun and romantic suggestions on what to do with your date on Earth Day Weekend, and all year long.
Attend a cleanup of local bodies of water in your area.
Plant a tree in a botanical garden.
Go to a park and recite nature poems.
Wear green and brown or Earth Day tee shirts.
Cook a meal with organically grown vegetables.
Turn off your cell phone and enjoy the moments together without technology.
Go to a farmers market and pick our fresh vegetables.
Go to a beach or park and have a picnic with organic wine and organic food.
Go on a hike.
Happy Earth Day to you and your loved ones.
How will you be celebrating Earth Day?
Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She was an early adopter of Internet dating and has been coaching singles on finding love online for over 20 years. Find out how our Irresistible Profiles will help you find your dream date.
If you’re single, it’s time to celebrate Earth Day on April 22nd and to remember to be kind to the environment, recycle, and pick up the litter while on a date.
In a study over over 100,000 dating profiles conducted by online dating site Zoosk, they found the majority (91%) of singles really do care about the environment, and we hope you do too.
In the Zoosk Earth Day study, they asked 5,100 singles about their love for the environment, along with ecological attitudes about those they’d be interested in dating.
Nix the Trash on Earth Day and Every Day
When it comes to trash, if you’re one who litters, you probably won’t get a second date.
The study showed that 74% find littering a deal-breaker, with 81% finding littering an annoying habit. So if you see garbage on the ground, it’s wise to pick it up and toss it away properly, as the survey revealed that 59% of singles say picking up litter is sexy.
Zoosk provided a list of eco-friendly words to add to your online dating profile to get a greater response.
The most popular words to start using now to generate a response on your dating profile include: reuse, organic, environment, farmers market, nature, earth, tree, forest, outdoors, hippie, plant, and wildlife.
Thinking about suggesting an environmental-friendly date?
The most popular green date ideas that online daters like include: going to the beach, going on a picnic, stargazing, visiting a local farmers market, or going on a hike.
So it’s time to fill your date cards with those who care about our beautiful earth, as 78% of singles responded that they’d like to date someone who cares about the environment and 51% prefer to date someone who’s energy efficient.
Wishing you much love and joy on this Earth Day.
Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Mobile Dating Expert. She was an early adopter of Internet and mobile dating and has been coaching singles on finding love online for over two decades with her Irresistible Profiles dating programs.
It’s International Happiness Day and the first day of Spring!
It’s no coincidence that the start of this new season these two fall on the same day every year.
While finding happiness is an everyday goal, today we’re giving it an extra springtime boost of love. Also being happy is a great way to attract love, so start smiling and watch the miracles start to happen.
Enjoy these seven quotes about being happy from those I admire all week long, and feel free to share the love.
1. “The most important thing is to enjoy your life – to be happy – it’s all that matters.” – Audrey Hepburn
2. “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” – Mahatma Gandhi
3. “Being happy never goes out of style.” – Lily Pulitzer
4. “The U.S. Constitution doesn’t guarantee happiness, only the pursuit of it. You have to catch up with it yourself.” – Benjamin Franklin
1. Send a flirty text. Texting the the person you have a crush on to say “Happy St. Patrick’s Day” will brighten their day. Add a four-leaf clover emoji. Even if they aren’t Irish, chances are they’ll reply to you.
2. Wear green. Find the tackiest flashing buttons, goofiest, hats, and make sure to wear something green to celebrate. It’s the easiest way to strike up a conversation with someone on St. Patrick’s Day.
3. Change your dating profile. It’s time to mix it up online. Post a photo wearing something green, ask if someone wants to get lucky in love, post quotes about the luck of the Irish and St. Patrick’s Day on your profiles and on social media. Get bolder and post “Kiss me if you’re Irish.”
Start swiping right in the morning on Tinder, Bumble, or other mobile dating apps to find a date by the afternoon.
4. Send a GIF. Open your mobile dating app and send a fun animated GIF to your digital crush. These days, apps such as Tinder, Bumble, and even Facebook and Twitter are using Giphy.
5. Send an animated e-card. We’re big fans of JibJab!, where you send a customized a video or e-card starring you. It will come complete with background music and is guaranteed to give a smile or two.
6. Smile everywhere you go. A smile is contagious and everyone wants to be around someone who appears to be happy. Practice the 5-second stare while smiling at someone you would like to meet. It’s the cue for them to come over and wish you a “Happy St. Patrick’s Day.” Who knows where the conversation will lead?
7. Compliment everyone. You might normally run away from the guy with the tacky green tee shirt, but stop and say hello. Take it one step further and pose in a ‘selfie’ together. He won’t be able to help himself and will put his arm around you for the photo. If the sparks start to fly, it’s your invitation to continue the conversation. Be even bolder and post it, with permission of course, on Facebook or Instagram.
8. Find a parade. Go to a St. Patrick’s Day parade in your city. Everyone loves a parade and it will give you an excuse to start a conversation with those you end up bundled up with.
9. Go to the dog park. There’s a reason it’s called puppy love. Our friend Dr. Helen Fisher, Chief Science Officer of Match tells the New York Times that having a dog shows you’re caring and can make a good parent.
Match also reports that 50% of singles wouldn’t date someone who didn’t like pets. Put a green bandana on your dog’s collar and take a walk to the local dog park. Your dog will do the flirting for you and it will be a great conversation starter.
10. Make a Shamrock Shake. We have a healthy recipe for a Shamrock Shake that you’ll absolutely love and it can be a fun date idea. If you aren’t into buying the ingredients, and are flying solo, head to Starbucks for a coffee date and order a green tea Frappuccino, or go to a sushi bar and order green tea and green tea ice cream.
Rebecca: One of the fastest growing dating apps is banning pictures of guns from user profiles. The founder of Bumble, a dating app where women have to message first, tells The New York Times that the move is in response to the recent string of mass shootings. The policy will mirror how Bumble handles nudity in photos and will only provide an exemption for users with military or law enforcement backgrounds who post pictures of themselves carrying firearms in uniform.
For more on the decision, we’re joined on the case KCBS Central Newsline by Julie Spira, a dating expert and founder of cyberdatingexpert.com Thanks very much for talking to us. What do you think?
Julie: I think it’s a great idea because people come to me, and one of the first questions they ask me is, “Julie, is online dating safe?” Bumble is taking the position that they want women to feel safer, we want everyone to feel safer.
If you see an image of somebody holding a deadly weapon, a knife or a firearm, you have the opportunity now to report that profile as suspicious, no differently than you would report their profile for hate speech.
Rebecca: On the other hand, if someone values their weapons so much that they want to take a picture of themselves posing with it, don’t you think somebody wants to know that about that guy?
Julie: That is one of the issues, because what happens is if somebody might want to swipe left on someone if they don’t agree with the gun issue.
Maybe someone will write it in their profile and happen to talk about it as one of their activities and what they like. If the photos are there, they’re going to get reported.
Members have an opportunity to actually go and dispute that. There is a little loophole, though. If someone connects their Instagram account with photos of pictures of them with guns, a user can still take a peek and know where they stand.
Rebecca: Okay. Now, I believe that Bumble was also talking about not letting people talk about their guns in their profiles, is that not the case?
Julie: Well, as of now, what I saw was the ability to report photos. If somebody is saying, “I love guns and it doesn’t bother me what happened in Parkland, Florida”, they are going to get reported.
Rebecca: Where do you draw the line then on what can’t be included in these profiles? Where do we start running into one, personal expression, and two, really revealing who you really, really are?
Julie: Well, the photos, of course– Bumble takes a position, and they take a position as the app with a feminist approach, because they want women to make that first move, but anything that makes somebody uncomfortable can be reported.
They have a crew of 5,000 people who are monitoring these profiles are going to take each and every one of them with a gun down.
Rebecca: Again, I want to push the point so you can give me the counterpoint to it. I want to know if somebody wants to take a picture of himself with a knife or a gun. If I were a user, I would want to know that.
Julie: I would want to know that too. Bumble believes users with guns do not belong in their safe, kind, loving environment, because they’re promoting love and safety and respect and kindness.
Perhaps Bumble isn’t the right site for someone who is a gun-happy person, but again, if you see pictures in somebody’s Instagram profile and they’re connected, they’re not going to delete that profile based upon an Instagram photo with a gun. If someone really wants to show that this is who they are, you can find out by looking at their Instagram account.
Rebecca: All right, Julie, thanks very much for talking to us, appreciate it. Julie Spira is a dating expert, she’s the founder of cyberdatingexpert.com.
Side note: Bumble graciously donated $100,000 to “March for Our Lives” and will not remove photos of those who are in law enforcement or the military.
Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She’s the CEO and founder of Cyber-Dating Expert and has been coaching singles on finding love online for almost 25 years.
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One of the most common questions we receive for our “Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert” column is what to do when you find your boyfriend on Tinder or other mobile dating apps.
Here’s Ashley’s dilemma.
I have a huge relationship dilemma that is currently happening as I type this.
I have been together with my man for just over a year now. ( we don’t have the “title”)
I am 19 almost 20 and he is 23 turning 24. We have a dog together and he basically lives with me, just sleeps at home when he works nights. He cares a lot and is always here for me, but this is why I need advice.
My friend from my home town, which is an hour away from where I live, now sent me a message with a photo of him on Tinder. This has happened before but he was really good at lying about it not being him, I was just too blind.
I had to create a fake account and see for myself and within 5 swipes I swiped yes to him. Later on tonight he came on and matched with me and sent a message. I froze. I responded and started having a conversation and it still continues.
He has no idea it’s me obviously nor does he even know I know he’s on there. I am very attached to him and he treats me well. We laugh and get along , but we do argue sometimes. I am very confused because I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t want him going behind my back and doing this.
I have no idea what to do or even how to bring this up to him. I really need some advise on what I should do in this situation.
You are one of many who asks this very same question.
First of all, you can’t control him going behind your back and going on Tinder to flirt with other girls. We don’t know if he’s meeting anyone, but this isn’t the first time he’s been busted on Tinder. Do you really think you can trust him?
He also hasn’t defined the relationship and given you the important label of girlfriend.
For him, it’s a relationship of convenience. For you, you’re hoping it’s more, but with his Tinder activity, it isn’t. At your age, you have plenty of options to meet men who will be crazy about you.
If he’s dating or flirting with others, you should as well. When it gets to the point that you have to create a fake profile to “catch” him on Tinder, the situation isn’t good. There’s no trust, and if you tell him you did that, it will get worse.
I haven’t met you or him, but my recommendation in cases like these (and I see it happen all the time) is to let him know that he means a lot to you, but it’s clear that you’re not looking for the same type of relationship.
Let him know you’d like to be a girlfriend in an exclusive relationship that has a future. He will either step up to the plate, or disappoint you, which gives you the freedom to find someone who will cherish you.
It’s time to have the convo, so you can find a relationship without being in a love triangle with Tinder.