Melanie Tonia Evans is a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Expert, healer, author and radio host. Melanie's Narcissism blog offers support & empowering tools to heal & thrive after narcissistic abuse, gain a new life & fulfilling relationships.
Things get worse with narcissists when they know you have them figured out.
In fact, the most precarious times of pain, trauma and getting horrifically abused, is when you know what the narcissist is, and the narcissist knows that you are on to them.
This is when it is time to get out.
Read on and you will find out…
Falling Off the Pedestal
When narcissists are delightful, it is because of one of three things: you have been groomed as narcissistic supply; they are hoovering you to hook up narcissistic supply again; or they just downright want something.
At these times, it all seems to be working out with this person – either you believe he or she is ‘wonderful’, or you feel the relief that this person ‘has finally got what they are doing and wants to make amends’. Or perhaps you find yourself warming to the narcissist, tending to what they want, only to realise later that the deal, of course, has been brokered completely in the narcissist’s favour.
Naturally a narcissist’s mask falls, in time. It is impossible to maintain the illusion of a fictitious character indefinitely. Sooner or later, the narcissist will step on your toes in a big way. It could be verbally with nasty comments. Or practically through careless, thoughtless or even malicious behaviour towards either you or the things and Beings who matter to you.
Of course, you are triggered. Even the kindest of people, in the face of conscienceless, self-absorbed behaviour, would feel violated.
Then, understandably, you react. The narcissist dodges any accountability by trying to make excuses, minimalising your grievance, or by blaming you for whatever they have done. And this just triggers you more.
No longer are you a compliant source of narcissistic supply. Rather, you have become the ‘enemy’ who has just threatened the narcissist’s mirage of the False Self – ‘I am to be served without reproach, and continually treated as significant and superior’.
When you start questioning the narcissist – and taking a stand for being given an apology and them showing remorse or accountability – the narcissist begins to know that you have started to figure them out; that they are NOT this omnipotent figure that they would like you to believe they are.
Really, what you are doing is starting to call out the dysfunctional and malignant behaviour that is not healthy or acceptable. You are identifying the cracks. This means you are pointing a finger at their damaged and disowned inner self, around which the narcissist has erected the False Self, who guards this at all costs.
Now you are pushing on the narcissist’s hairline trigger to any perceived criticism. Dangerous rage and capacity is close to the surface, as the horrible by-product of a severely insecure and damaged inner self.
When you are devastated by a narcissist, they may not be able to keep charming and mining you for sex, resources, fawning or any other self-absorbed need in any given moment. But all is not lost for him or her. This is when Dr. Jekyll takes a back seat and Mr. Hyde fully appears. The monster is unleashed to punish you – terribly.
The narcissist has every twisted justification to line you up and smack you where they know it hurts the most. He or she has already worked out your weakest emotional points to use for these times – the ones which you will defend and argue back with them.
The disowned parts of the narcissist, which they don’t want to ever look at, own or resolve, are now hurtled at you with full force. Narcissists want relief, and they get this by offloading all over you the deeply triggered traumas within; the traumas that cause the maladaptive behaviour you have identified.
Of course, in the narcissist’s eyes, it is all your fault and this is why he or she hurtles into the argument any and every additional hand grenade. A narcissist wants to make sure you are hurt beyond measure and feel like you are losing your mind.
They then have you exactly where they want you – back to providing A-grade narcissistic supply: ‘Look how significant I am to be able to affect another person like this.’
The Worst Cases of Narcissistic Abuse
The most damage happens to the people who used to be like I was…
And deciding that the truth must be got to. This person should be remorseful. Things can be restored to a healthy state through my determined actions to ‘set things right’.
I have to say if you are operating within this framework with a narcissist like I was… Good Luck!
It simply DOESN’T work.
And this is why:
The narcissist has no intention of being accountable, pinned down or remorseful. The harder you try to get accountability, and make a narcissist act with decency, integrity and consideration, the more he or she will push back, tormenting you even more.
The complete false premise that we can change other people to make ourselves feel better.
Quantum Law – so within, so without – means we can only change our inner state in relation to what is happening in our outer world. We need to adjust and up level from our own traumas and belief systems that are generating what is going on in our life. And then, when we do this, people will either rise up to join us at our new established boundaries and truth, or we leave the experience to go our separate ways into experiences that are our truth.
The longer we stay stuck righteously in trying to change a narcissist to get a change in our own emotional state and life, the more we get the true results of this Quantum Truth which is:
‘When I deny my own development and hold others responsible for my Self and Life – nothing changes. I only get more of my traumatised state.’
What we realise when we Go Quantum is:
‘This person was never meant to change. They were showing me what aren’t my values and truth. And by doing so they were forcing me to pull away, to heal within me what is necessary to create my Life for REAL.’
Naming a Narcissist ‘a Narcissist’ or Trying to Get Them to Heal
Now that the narcissist knows that you have really figured them out, you must be completely discredited and eradicated, one way or another.
My suggestion to you is: if you are calling a narcissist ‘a narcissist’ or saying that their inner wounds are causing their behaviour – make it your final comment.
Do not hang around thinking you are going to save this person from themselves.
If this person goes to therapy, they will not be going there for ‘their problems’. Instead, it will be about what you do to them so that they can get narcissistic supply from the therapist. Couple’s therapy is one of the most devastating and traumatising experiences anyone can have with a narcissist, because narcissists use the therapist and the sessions to switch the blame and issues onto you.
Before long, rather than the therapy getting anywhere near helping the narcissist and your relationship, you will be fighting even harder for your sanity and life.
And, to add insult to injury, the narcissist will be setting up elaborate smear campaigns to make sure you are the one who goes down. And while this is going on, he or she will be setting up bank accounts on the side, and all other levels of deceit, to make sure that he or she is still afloat when the ship sinks.
This ‘preparation’ usually includes sourcing the next source of narcissistic supply to have ready to jump ship onto.
And if you drown, that is perfect. As far as the narcissist is concerned, it means the evidence of their narcissistic ‘damaged inner self’ secrets disappears with you.
Another tactic, when the narcissist knows you have them figured out, is to mess with your head enough that you start believing that you are the problem, not them.
It’s Time to Get Off This Ride and Figure You Out (Heal)
Whichever way it rolls, it all comes back to the same Quantum Truth – the more you try to change someone to get your own sane, healthy, loving and happy life, the worse things get.
In this Wrong Town place you discover:
The narcissist doesn’t change, have compassion or do the right thing.
The people who you are smeared to don’t believe your side of the story.
You lose control over your emotions, life and health, and things start disintegrating everywhere you look.
It is all you can do to keep your life from overturning or being smashed against the rocks.
This is not your ride to be on – ever!
It’s time to get off.
Do you want to get off this insane, disastrous trip?
If so, please write below: ‘I’m getting off NOW!’
Okay, so how do you do that?
The answer is in fact very simple; the application itself is what takes devoted self-healing work.
The answer is this: stop holding the narcissist responsible for your life, and understand that it is impossible to CHANGE your life by CHANGING someone else’s.
You are the one who needs to change, as myself and so many others have had to do.
This involves letting go of the need for…
The narcissist’s remorse and apologies.
Repair of the damage they have inflicted.
Receiving any closure from anyone or anything outside of us.
Reliance on the narcissist for any aspect of love, approval, security or survival.
Justice to be done.
…in order for YOU to be HEALED and WHOLE.
If we need anything from outside sources to be healed and whole – then we are victims. We are not self-actualised. We haven’t taken our power back, and so don’t yet realise that we can heal and shift and start working with Life directly through our own truth, values, ‘self’, and healed and aligned belief systems.
I know it’s easier said than done, and that we can’t just switch into this mindset. This is where the RIGHT inner work is SO vital, because if you stay victimised, holding others and situations responsible for your Life then, you won’t receive compensation in the way of healing and your life getting going again, rather you will ONLY receive more events and problems that victimise you.
This horrifyingly is the case for most victims of narcissists – because they don’t know how to work with Quantum Law and heal for REAL yet.
No longer do we need to stay in that devastated place.
I am totally passionate about ending our suffering and healing for real from narcissistic abuse.
In Part Two of this series, I am going to explain more about Quantum and Consciousness Science, and how I realised the three keys to heal from abuse on the day I had decided to give up on Life!
Together we take a deep and wide dive into Quantum Healing – what it is, how it works and the results it achieves.
I will also share with you how I found the answers, which were previously elusive, due to my total frustration of having a chronic condition that NOTHING was healing.
It is my greatest desire after this Part Two episode, regardless of how severe your traumas are and how broken you feel, that you can sense a light calling you forward, just as my epiphany did for me.
The Proven Way to Heal Toxic Relationship Trauma – Part Two - YouTube
Today’s Thriver TV is Part Two of this series, and I’m really excited to take this conversation even deeper and wider than we did last week.
So to recap what we went through last week… We went over the reasons why you may not have been able to heal yet, despite your efforts to try to get relief from the excruciating symptoms of narcissistic abuse.
We also looked at the new science – Quantum and Neuro Science – and the reasons why introspection and taking your awareness inside is how to get to the core of your abuse symptoms, to be able to tend to them, so that you can get out of the terrible loop of having the ongoing management of your internal trapped traumas.
What is so exciting is that now we have the ability to release and live free of our trauma, and not just recover, but Thrive beyond the state of self and life that we experienced before abuse, even if abuse is all we have ever known.
Today we are going to look at the following three aspects of Part One more deeply: why we can, how we can do it, and the way to achieve this!
Before we get started, however, I want to thank you all for having the courage to subscribe to my channel and be a Thriver. The world needs this awareness to break out of old paradigms of being continually sick and traumatised after abuse, so that we can be something so much greater. If you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you give it a thumbs up.
Okay, let’s kick off Part Two.
The Power to Change at Our Core
Dr. Bruce Lipton upholds that the truth about genes holds the key.
Bruce maintains that pivotal to this shift in thinking is the ground-breaking insight into the function of genes. It was always believed that our genes have predispositions to turn off and on, created from our inbuilt genetics and situations in life that we have no control over.
We now know that this is not true – genes respond according to their environment. The environment outside of us in itself means nothing. It is our perception of the environment that is the TRUE environment – that’s what creates the ‘environment’ that our cells are housed in. It’s all going on in our body.
WE are the petri dish!
It’s all to do with our consciousness. And our consciousness, our perceptions, are all to do with our already existing subconscious beliefs.
If we change our beliefs, we change our consciousness. Then we change our cells and we change our life.
It’s an inside out job.
If we stay stuck in the powerlessness of our consciousness, affected by what other people are or aren’t doing, then we remain a victim to our life – the things and people that we have absolutely no control over.
However, as new science tells us, if, regardless of how our life looks, we take our focus inside ourselves and do the inner work to change our consciousness, then we become the masters of our biology and therefore our entire life.
We literally become different and we make different choices. We stop wrestling with what doesn’t serve us and we have empowered boundaries. We stop being derailed through our wounds and triggers. We know what to do to unfold a new truth, because of a new subconscious program operating inside us.
We may think that changing our consciousness must mean we have to think positively in the face of the painful events and traumas that we are facing, but it doesn’t work that way. We have all tried that very unsuccessfully with our abuse trauma!
Bruce says about this, ‘People hear about “positive thinking”, but when they attempt to put it into practice it doesn’t work because there is a step missing. The mind runs the biology, but the important thing to recognise is that there are two parts to the mind – the conscious and the subconscious – and the subconscious mind is over a million times more powerful than the conscious mind.’
He says, ‘If you tell a child it’s average and that’s the program, the child cannot exceed average because the brain will say, “this doesn’t make sense”. So no matter how hard that child tries it will unconsciously create average.’
We all know that that C.R.A.P.! Hence why we must go inwards with an effective method to change the program.
The Three Vital Steps to Heal
I want to share with you the incredible revelation I had that started the Thriver Movement. It happened on what I thought was the worst day of my life. I had been given a ‘There is no way to heal this; you can only medicate it with anti-psychotics’ diagnosis after my psychotic and adrenal breakdown.
I didn’t want to continue living, yet a voice in my head kept at me and at me with ‘there is another way’.
Anyway, many of you have heard this story so I’ll get right to the point. To try to shut down that voice in my head, in desperation, I ended up on my bathroom floor, put my hands up and screamed out, ‘Help me, I can’t do this anymore.’
An epiphany happened. Not just a regular everyday epiphany – rather a mind-blowing one that explained ‘everything’. It was a complete 180-degree turn away from my previous beliefs about how victimised I was, and how what had been dealt to me (the destruction of my entire life and self) was such a terrible fate.
I was shown there was a REASON for all of this. Again, not just a simple reason – rather a ‘the meaning of life’ reason. The reason being so that I could finally face my unmet, unconscious traumas and finally go free to be Who I Really Was.
Later I was to discover, through my whole Quantum Thriver Journey, that I am not alone in this. It’s in fact happening FOR all of us.
There were so many crystal-clear understandings that happened in the moments that followed on my bathroom floor. Maybe the incredible irony is that you have to be completely out of your mind to be able to receive the truth.
In amongst this, I was given the Three Key Steps to Heal.
These steps were:
Number 1: Acceptance of what had happened
Previously I had refused to accept losing both who I thought was the love of my life and everything that I thought was my life. I had been a total victim, and all the therapists and online forums had told me exactly that too.
However, I knew now that if I remained a victim and did not accept that all of this was happening FOR me instead of TO me, that I would never be able to get free of the trauma or get well.
Number 2: Turn inwards to heal myself
I understood that my current trauma and devastated life had come about because of not being healed and whole within myself. I had constantly self-abandoned. I was an expert at trying to shame and blame myself into shape, and reaching for distractions – keeping busy, overworking and using other addictions and unhealthy people and situations to do anything other than face, soothe and heal my own feelings.
None of my previous strategies worked anymore, and I was out of options to try to avoid the pain. There was only one place left to go – inside.
I knew my Inner Being needed me desperately, not False Sources, and only by going inwards could I heal the unhealable, change myself and forever change my life.
Number 3: Find, release and reprogram my trauma and belief systems
Even though I didn’t know how to do this yet, I saw with absolute clarity the system of ‘so within so without’ and how our inner universe relates directly to our outer universe, and that to change our life the composition of our Inner Being needs to change first.
Then I was catapulted into a vision of the future where I saw and FELT myself Thriving – being more expanded, whole, loving, wise and powerful than I had ever imagined myself to be – even before abuse.
From that day forwards I totally fell into line with Number 1 and Number 2, and was on the search for how to achieve Number 3. Even though this epiphany in no way healed me, and there was tons of inner work and releasing trauma and subconscious reprogramming that I needed to do, I did have a massive immediate shift.
I gave up blaming myself and others. I released the shame of where my life had gone to. I knew this was about healing me and it was MY quest. I stopped holding the narcissist responsible for my life. Instead, I turned inwards and committed to the rebuilding of my soul from the ground up.
Even though I still had tons of trauma, my Inner Being heaved a sigh of relief. I had made this commitment to her, ‘I love you. I am here and I will do everything in my power to heal you, and I am never leaving you again.’
Now that I had shown up for myself, without any medication at all, which I was told I would need to even function, the psychotic episodes completely ended, forever.
Yet this was only the beginning. There was still so much more to come…
The Real Healing Breakthrough
Me surviving after being only 80 pounds and told I would never be normal and would need anti-psychotics for the rest of my life was already a miracle. I was medication free, determinedly self-partnered, and completely soul dedicated. Nothing was more important than fulfilling my quest of healing my Inner Being.
The future vision and the ‘knowing’ of being trauma-free kept calling me forward. I had researched many subconscious healing modalities, trying almost every one of them you can think of – EMDR, EFT, Body Code, The Reconnection, The Journey – the list goes on and on.
I found the most effective for me were Kinesiology and Theta Healing, which I studied and was certified in. These modalities, combined with past timeline regression therapy, which I had been practicing for decades previously, became a combined healing system that I called ‘Holographic Healing’.
The results for myself and other people with trauma symptoms were crazy good. So good that in a few short months after working on myself with Holographic Healing, I was completely free of CPTSD, fibromyalgia and adrenal stress. In many ways, even though I had been wiped out in nearly every area of my life, I had never felt so emotionally content and happy.
I still had, however, a persistent condition of agoraphobia. The narcissistic relationship had included stalking, threats, and terrible occurrences. Even though I felt fantastic in safe, closed spaces, in open spaces where I was vulnerable, the trauma that arose was sometimes horrific. I tried everything to heal this. I spent thousands of dollars on credit with every subconscious healer that was recommended to me – but the agoraphobia wouldn’t shift.
That was the case, until another miracle moment.
I was in Koh Samui on holiday and stuck in the confines of the hotel perimeter because of agoraphobia. This was 18 months after my bathroom floor awakening. I had had enough of it. I really wanted to heal this condition.
One night I started thinking about a documentary I had watched where Dr. Joe Dispenza and Dr. Candace Pert talk about how the chemical manufacturing part of our brain – the hypothalamus – produces ‘peptides’. You may have seen my Thriver TV Episode about this – and if not I highly suggest you do because it’s a key understanding. The link to the episode is here for you – The Answer To Narcissistic Abuse No-One Is Talking About – Peptide Addiction.
Anyway, the very shortened version of peptide addiction is this: science has now proven we literally get physiologically addicted in our cells to an emotion that we are receiving huge rushes of. Mine was fear – specifically ‘I’m not safe in life’.
As I thought about this documentary something CLICKED big time for me. I got it – the penny finally dropped – I just somehow KNEW that if I could feel that emotion in my body, target the traumas that were generating that emotion, use a visualisation process and intention to load up all the core causations reasons (meaning the original traumas and attached belief systems) and let them go, that I would be instantly freed from ‘I’m not safe in life’ and I would be completely healed from agoraphobia.
So I opened my heart and mind, and as I started taking dictation from a much higher source than me, I knew this was IT. My heart was pounding with excitement. There it was – a combination of Theta Healing, Kinesiology, Quantum multidimensional truths, timeline work, and other stuff I didn’t think I knew. Yet as I was writing it down, I knew I DID know it.
I was shown how multiple traumas are stored in the subconscious energetically – collective human traumas, past life trauma, trauma from our family’s genetic history and from our childhoods, including in utero before we are born, and then of course as adults.
I literally saw how these traumas lodge within our subconscious, and I was shown the intentions and visualisations as codes to unlock them and release them.
I was also shown that there are three compartments of the subconscious that require cleaning out for a full healing to take place. And with these releases, I was shown the corresponding integrations with the superconscious – which is Source – that is necessary to move each part of ourselves into the Light; into our Higher Potentiality connected with the Field so that we can actualise and be-come our True Self in regard to any topic that is targeted.
As I applied the first ever Quantum Freedom Healing to myself, I found and released dozens of past life, collective and childhood traumas. Then after searching inside and finding absolute no more parts of me that were attached to this trauma, I walked out into the main street of Chaweng Beach.
I started playing in life like I never had before. I was free, I was extended, I was radiant, I was connected to everything and everyone with joy. I had never ever felt those feeling before. Then I remembered the vision on my bathroom floor, when I was catapulted into the future – it was exactly THAT feeling.
Later, back in the hotel room, I thought to myself, ‘If I hadn’t been given this process, HOW on earth would I have ever found this?’ No therapy, including subconscious healing modalities, which were the most powerful, had ever taken me inwards to my Core Identity with such laser-like intensity, drawn the multiple traumas out of my cells from all the necessary subconscious compartments, and integrated me with the Oneness of myself and the Field to provide a fully experienced cellular body shift that completely short-circuited a deadly physiological peptide loop that my body had been addicted and trapped in.
How many decades of therapy would it take to get to that, what had just been achieved in only two hours?
Would it have even been possible?
I don’t believe it would.
The Inner Then Outer Shift
Humbly, I really want you to know Quanta Freedom Healing is not my creation. I was blessed, as a very unlikely messenger, to have this happen through me from a Higher Source that is much more intelligent than me. I could never have come up with that stuff myself! At first, I thought this gift was just for me, but I’ve known for a long time it’s for all of us. And such a gift it was to me!
As I kept using Quanta Freedom Healing on any trigger that came up for me, extraordinary things started to happen, and very quickly:
• Family, friends and colleagues who had turned away from me, turned back with love.
• The Universe was leaving me directions and ‘love notes’ every day to grant me the next step to my healing.
• Every day support, love, blessings and literal miracles were showing up, ranging from a free gift from a shopkeeper to incredible business and mission opportunities.
• The relationship with my son, which seemed shattered beyond repair, did a full about face and we were reunited. He healed miraculously from severe substance abuse and depression.
• A peace, love and wholeness that I didn’t even know existed, continued to build.
• Opportunities, synchronicities and miracles started to abound. Ways to come back and rebuild my life that I would never have dreamed of, just started showing up abundantly. And…
• I joyously followed my soul calling, and before I knew it my vocation was a global narcissistic abuse recovery expert – which truly is the job of my dreams, because I get to save lives and souls every day.
I had come home – finally – for the first time in lifetimes.
Thank God I had finally woken up from the trance – to shed the layers of false beliefs and traumas that have been inflicted on all of us on this planet.
This I now know is the simple meaning of life: if we have anything that hurts there is a corresponding trauma inside us, and when we find it and release it everything heals.
That’s ALL we have to do to claim our True Life.
You really do need to ‘Go Quantum’ to start experiencing the incredible fast results of this. Myself and Thrivers who do the inner work, live this as ‘our normal’. You will only begin to understand how powerful and capable you are of enlisting all of Life to co-create with you, when you get aligned in your Quantum consciousness. It’s Quantum Law – so within, so without – as absolute as gravity.
For more information regarding this, you may want to do some research on the Double Split experiment to see just how our own brand of consciousness affects how life shows up in our experience. This is what Quantum Science teaches us: at the subatomic level, beyond the atoms of our cells, we exist as pure waves of energy, a consciousness that is interconnected with the entire Field.
By living this we start to be-come Who We Really Are. Not just a little separated person having to unconsciously battle life – rather a connected being in the Oneness doing our life consciously.
The Results of Inner Healing the Quantum Way
These are the following:
1) You heal for real
There is no longer the need to have to manage trauma and the horrible symptoms and obsessional thoughts that go with that. It all melts away.
2) The narcissist becomes powerless against you
Committed NARPers regularly have unprecedented property settlement and custody wins. Often the narcissist completely capitulates and grants what is fair, because they can’t stand being in your empowered energy without being able to hook you. Doing the inner work to detox a narcissist from every vestige of your Inner Being is the only way to win against a narcissist that I have ever seen work.
3) You don’t need to learn how to be-come, it just happens
The old paradigm of healing was that we needed to unlearn something and then retrain ourselves to learn a new way of being. This generally took years, if not decades, researching into the ‘what happened with whom and what effect that had on us’.
This equals ‘analysis paralysis’ that only drip feeds, at best, any change to our subconscious programs and, at worse, cements deeper into our Inner Being our belief about being a victim and defective.
With Quanta Freedom Healing there is absolutely no need to know or research your story. It doesn’t matter how, with whom or when the trauma happened. Literally, by accessing the body’s wisdom and power, which is always unfolding the next wound to be released, you simply load and release the dense energy in your body and the belief system that was wrapped into that trauma disappears also.
There is zero need for you to even know what the trauma or belief was for you to be completely free of it. (However, don’t be surprised if total answers and concrete knowing arises as a product of your True Self connection to yourself!)
Then, as a result of the part of the process that brings in your Superconscious self, filling the space where the wound was, you automatically be-come the new and True Self. The person who knows how to be organically wise, conscious, self-loving, self-respecting, powerful and yet grace-full, whilst serving the Field in the highest and most honourable ways.
This shift of something that may have taken decades contemporarily to achieve previously – if it ever was possible – can happen within half an hour on any topic in your life, which is the duration of a Quanta Freedom Healing.
This may seem too good to be true, but I promise you once you start Going Quantum you will know exactly what I am talking about.
4) Your Life expands and heals in multiple areas
Naturally, we initially do the Quantum Inner Work to get relief from current trauma and fear. However, when cleaning out all that the narcissist has triggered, you will realise how the limiting beliefs and traumas were holding you separated from the things in life that you deeply desired.
The things that ironically you had attached to the narcissist, to try to gain through him or her, instead of generating through Self.
For the first real and authentic time, your confidence starts flowing, joy emerges, the ability to lay healthy boundaries comes online, inner knowing, wisdom, inspiration and intuition start to arise from within, and your life’s dreams and goals all come into view.
The areas of your life that were lacking, now can all heal and produce the results your heart has always desired.
That has been my experience, on steroids, as a result of Quanta Freedom Healing (NARP), which I do any day that I feel dense, unwanted energy in my body. Sometimes I may do as many as three healings a week. Other times I may not do one for a couple of weeks.
The triggers I have in my life are miniscule now –..
In ways that seem senseless, cruel, barbaric and insane.
Why do they ALL seem to do this without any sense of remorse for the damage they cause?
We know narcissists are self-absorbed and lack a conscience, but what is really going on for them to be able to do to people the things that they DO?
The Simple Reason Why Narcissists Have to Hurt You - YouTube
From our human framework it seems atrocious, horrible and unthinkable that narcissists hurt people like they do.
In fact, this can be one of the most painful things to try to recover from – WHY do they do that?
So, in today’s TTV episode I want to help you understand why narcissists do what they do. Also, I want to explain how we can protect ourselves against this.
Before we get started, thank you to all the new and existing subscribers, and if you haven’t yet subscribed I want to remind you to please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you give it a thumbs up.
Alright, let’s get going on today’s episode…
Hurt People Hurt People
You may have heard the expression ‘hurt people hurt people’ and think ‘that’s no excuse – there are people who are hurt who don’t treat people like that!’
I get that and I understand it. There are great people despite what happened to them, and there are people who are damaged and emotionally stunted, who do what they do. And they do this because of their model of the world, which they have established due to being traumatised.
There are two things I really do know, as a result of my own personal evolution. When I am in my most solid and whole place, even under stress, I am in the best possible position to treat others with kindness, love and respect, and…
When I am emotionally triggered and not well within, this is when I am the most likely to not be a particularly nice human being.
A person’s belief systems and emotional stability within, I believe, are the true gauge as to what they may or may not be capable of at their worst. Most of us can’t imagine being able to go to the pathological or malicious lengths that narcissists can. We simply aren’t capable of it.
However, when we were under siege in narcissistic relationships, and having our souls shredded, most of us said and did some things that we are certainly not proud of. It’s not just true that hurt people hurt people, it’s also very true that when you are around sick people, who are not taking any responsibility to face and heal their own inner demons, you don’t just hurt, you also get sick.
In regard to abusive people – I adore what Neale Donald Walsch says, ‘What is it within you that hurts so much that you need to hurt me?’
That question is the essence of what today’s discussion is really about.
A Narcissist’s Brutal Dumping
For those suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, there is a very disordered, delicate emotional balancing act going on. The inner True Self is damaged and disowned and is constantly bubbling up to the surface with feelings of ‘I am defective. I don’t belong. People don’t accept me, aren’t to be trusted, and will hurt me if I don’t get one up over them.’
This creates a state of constant anxiety, hypervigilance and the activation of internal survival programs. Because the true Inner Self is too damaged to generate a solid and healthy ‘self-identity’, the False Self is constantly in need of hits of self-medication. This is to try to feed the narcissist with energy to offset the inner self-damnation that is always threatening to engulf him or her.
This is ‘narcissistic supply’, and the ego is very exacting about what the quality of this needs to be. It needs to provide ‘Look at me. I am significant’.
It is such a small window of ‘correct attention’ that if you don’t supply the feedback that provides the narcissists with ‘entitlement above all others’, as well as acclaim, praise, recognition and the fawning that the narcissist’s ego may demand, then you will be punished.
Because a narcissist is not taking responsibility to do what is necessary for emotional trauma recovery – turn inwards to heal their inner wounds causing their dysfunction – they truly believe that the triggers going off within them are your fault. You are an extension of their ego – a tool with which they self-medicate, to try to save themselves from their own inner annihilation.
If this isn’t done adequately – which of course is an impossible job – then the narcissist’s erupting inner wounds will be your fault. He or she will tear into you without conscience, with the full brunt of the anger and trauma that he or she is presently experiencing.
Letting off this spew of internal trauma onto you grants the narcissist some temporary relief. But, of course, because nothing is ever resolved internally the same trauma and behaviour keeps coming back.
There is another piece to this. The narcissist recruited you because he or she believed you were A-grade narcissistic supply. The narcissist’s False Self is childish and loves to indulge in fantasies. Something about you was so idealised and put onto a pedestal that the narcissist feels convinced that you being their drug will grant them the self-medication – the ego feed – to keep the inner demons at bay. Of course, when this started to wear off, as all mature relationships do in the real-life necessity of two people cooperating and doing a workable partnership together, the narcissist starts hating that you are not the durable, self-medication object that he or she assigned you as.
Then, inevitably, the narcissist will start devaluing you and blaming you. He or she will start sourcing newer, fresher ego supply elsewhere.
Naturally, at this point, you wonder where the ‘wonderful’, ‘adoring’ person went… That person wasn’t ever in love with you. He or she was merely getting off on the narcissistic supply that you were providing.
The Divorcing From Humanity Within the Narcissist
When we ask ourselves ‘How are people capable of that?’, what we need to understand is that their connection to humanity, internally, has been disowned.
Our Inner Being is our connection to everything – ourselves, Source/Life/God and others. I believe that this is the holy trinity; that it is essential for us to realise this if we are to be an integrated and holistically connected to The Field Being. It must all start through ‘Self’ first.
If we are divorced from Self, as narcissists are, having buried their True Selves deep within, then we are doing what everyone does… Only being capable of relationships at the level of relationship we have with Self. We all see in others what we see in Self. We love others at the level that we love ourselves.
How much self-rejection and self-abandonment is there within a narcissist who declares, ‘I will not be me. I need to be a fictitious character instead.’?
How do narcissists see others? As fake. As people who are also in it for themselves, who are ‘objects’ – just as the narcissist’s False Self is – trying to manipulate people to get a slice of the good stuff.
To the narcissist, you are an object who requires controlling in case you get control of him or her.
The narcissist has no comprehension of your soul, and realness and feelings, any more than they do of their own.
People believe that narcissists get malicious delight out of shredding people’s souls, but I don’t really believe this is the case. They punish you for not helping them feel better. They don’t really think that you are capable of such hurt, and this is because when hurting, they have very little awareness of any self-love, self-soothing or self-care for themselves. Narcissists have severely stunted, or non-existent, empathy.
They just try to get up and go again by grabbing the next hit of narcissistic supply, significance, or an addiction to self-medicate – anything they can get hold of.
Sentimentality and emotional hurt, compassion, sensitivity, and remorse are not emotions that narcissists can understand, let alone access. The truth is that narcissists have zero comprehension of what they have done to you, and firmly believe they are the victim that you have treated terribly.
The Dark Side of the False Self
When there is only a False Self, there is no True Self taken into account. Then there is no True Self recognition in others outside of oneself either.
The False Self is the only entity – and it is all about the False Self.
This is why a narcissist doesn’t care about how it affects you when playing with you like a cat with a mouse. ‘I’ll throw you away, then I’ll reel you back in – because if I get your tears, apologies, attention, and even anger, it feeds my ego and makes me know that I am significant enough to affect another person in this way.’
You will be pathologically smeared to others because it’s great fodder to get sympathy off people. If you lose face with family, friends or colleagues, or lose your job over it, so be it.
The narcissist may be toggling you with other lovers or stealing your resources and contacts behind your back. According to the narcissist, this is all fair game.
This is the product of the dire ‘separation’ illusion of narcissism and the False Self – which is the most dangerous fracture in all of humanity – not realising that at the Quantum level everything and everyone is interconnected.
Look at what our world does, as per its arrogance with our entire eco systems. It’s the same thing. The ego believes that it is all that exists and there is nothing and nobody else who should be worthy of consideration – as long as the ego is fed.
This is an insatiable black hole, just like the literal one in space, which sucks neighbouring celestial bodies up whole and then keeps going – because it is never ‘filled up’. The truth is there is nothing there to fill.
The terrible fate for the narcissist is the same: I’m going to be alone, no matter what, because I destroy everyone I am with, and even if I don’t I can never connect to care for and love them anyway. They are simply an object to serve my False Self, which can never achieve wholeness and peace.
The Real Truth – You Don’t Matter – And You Need To
Of course, initially when we realise we don’t matter – and that we weren’t loved and the relationship we endured with this person was because of this – it can feel intensely personal. We are shocked when we are treated without consideration and discarded or replaced, or even maliciously abused.
The truth is we either outlived our usefulness or the narcissist is now trying to hurt us horribly to get reactions that make him or her still get narcissistic supply.
The real truth is we didn’t matter, because the narcissist is not ‘matter’. They are a False Self, that is not real. Nothing matters other than the False Self. He or she is not capable of internally mattering or recognising this mattering in others.
Now here is the clincher and our incredible soul lesson in this: we need to matter to ourselves, regardless of whether we matter to a specific other.
If you get this, really get this, I want you to write below: ‘From today forward I MATTER to ME!’
If we try to get ‘us’ from False Sources, that is from anyone who is not ‘us’, then we are in very hot water. Wrong Town, in fact. Where the people we cling to and get hurt by are the people who are really reflecting back to us our own inner disconnection, divorcing and lack of self-partnering.
I promise you with all my heart, when you let go of the narcissist and turn inwards to face and heal your wounds of not feeling like you matter between you and you, and Source/Life/God and others, then you will never accept a relationship like this again. Rather, you will generate real, healthy relationships with people who do have the resources to matter to themselves and recognise that others matter also. And you will easily let go of people who you realise just don’t have these resources.
I want you to understand the total truth that can help us wake up – we cling to people who hurt us when they are not providing us with what we haven’t yet healed.
Do you realise that as much as the narcissist is punishing you for not granting the perfect, ever-constant, narcissistic supply, you are holding the narcissist responsible for not giving you healthy love and inner solidness and peace? The insanity has got to stop. The narcissist is not going to take self-responsibility, but you can.
Okay, so to start healing from this pain and madness I invite you to join me on my 16-day course, where you will get relief and clarity – and it’s all free.
We may tell ourselves that we don’t have time, and…
There are things or people in our life that are SO much more important right now.
Or maybe self-care is something we have never known how to do for ourselves.
This I know, with releasing my own struggle with self-care and assisting so many others get free of their self-denial too, that we can carry DEEP guilt in regard to looking after ourselves.
We may have MANY multi-layered painful beliefs regarding this!
In today’s Thriver Tv Episode I want to deeply investigate this with you, to help free you also from the guilt of looking after you.
Not just for yourself, but for all others and everything you touch.
Which is why self-care is SO important.
As you will discover today!
5 Delightful Ways To Do Self-Care Without Feeling Guilty - YouTube
Putting oneself first is not an easy thing. There can be many multi-layered beliefs that have stopped us thinking this is healthy to do.
Guilt can be a big barrier.
How many of us have thought that taking care of self is wrong, selfish and even narcissistic?
Many of us came from the mindset of the previous generation of survival, and energy expended must be on practical ‘doing’ tasks, rather than so-called ‘self-indulgent’ ones.
Today I want to grant you 5 wonderful ways we can take care of ourselves, as well as the internal shifts we can do on our subconscious programs, to evolve beyond guilt and get healthier.
Okay, before we get started, thank you for being a subscriber to my channel, and if you haven’t yet, please do subscribe. Also, if you like this video, please give it a thumbs up!
Now let’s look at the reasons why healthy self-care is essential!
By Honouring Ourselves We Honour the Entire Field In Honourable Ways
I want to begin by saying what we do need to be-come and shift into – it’s what we are all taught by the airplane analogy – to put our oxygen mask on first before attempting to help anyone else with theirs.
If we are gasping for air, we potentially do more damage than good to others.
This is why I am so adamant about parents healing themselves as their first point of call, before attempting to sort out things for their children.
Quantum Law is a very exact Law of so within, so without. If we try to serve others whilst we are going empty, then our efforts will only bring more pain and emptiness to others and ourselves. Yet if we come from a place of wholeness, then we affect others and the entire Field in whole and healthy ways.
What is also vitally important is that we don’t continue the message of dire co-dependency that we were fed growing up – that going without and people pleasing and keeping the peace so that others will love you, is what we should do.
We all know how that turned out.
Also, if we stay broken and empty and our children see this, whilst we try to give them everything they need, then they will grow up not emulating what we want for them, but rather how we were to ourselves.
Okay so now that we have this clear, that we need to become a healthy model of self for self, others and all of Life, let’s look at the first delightful way we can do this.
#1 Say ‘No’ When Exhausted, and Replenish Yourself Instead
If we keep helping others when we are wrung out and exhausted ourselves, then we are in Wrong Town. Sometimes of course, when we have little children and we have no option, this is all a part of being a parent. What I am really talking about here is when other capable people ask for our help, and we fear saying ‘no’ to them.
We may be scared of losing their love or approval if we were to honour ourselves. Yet if we say ‘Yes’ when we don’t have the energy to comply, or it compromises our values and boundaries to do so, the energy will be murky. We could be resentful that they expect us ‘to drop everything for them’. We may lose valuable self-esteem and self-worth. We may be pissed because other people in the family or friendship circle won’t help and we are the one that gets lumbered with it.
If we are playing victim to all of this, we make out it is the other person’s lack of consideration that is causing our distress, yet truly it is our own poor boundary function.
There is a very essential truth about all of this – if you are okay with honouring your energy levels, other healthy people respect this too. They have other options. They don’t think badly of you. They know that being the generous person you are, that if you could assist you would.
The bottom line is when you have healed internally about this: you are not obsessing about whether or not they accept your ‘No’ because you know that honouring self is your number one priority, regardless.
If you get sorted in your inner beliefs and boundaries and know that you are not serving others in high and honourable ways, unless you are replenished – then you know if people don’t accept your ’no’, they should not be in your life.
What you will also discover is that when you do respect yourself, people respect you more too. If you are the always ‘giving person’ who bends over backward to give people assistance, you will discover that when it comes time for you to need help – no-one will be there for you.
Because they are reflecting back to you how you are not there for yourself.
What is vitally important here is moving out of guilt to discover how easy and unselfish it is to be honest with people regarding whether you can help or not.
Those of you who are NARPers, if this is an area in your life you still struggle with, I suggest feeling into these beliefs:
People will only love me if I serve them.
If I say ‘no’ I will be punished.
I have to earn love and approval.
Other people’s needs and energy are more important than my own.
Other people don’t respect or support what I need.
I don’t deserve my own kindness and care.
If you feel any emotional charges in your body when you check inwards on these beliefs, then you would benefit greatly from clearing them out.
I know this can be a tough one to tackle, and it may not feel ‘delightful’ at all. But please know ‘growth’ doesn’t come from not facing uncomfortable feelings.
Please know that asking for help and granting others the opportunity to supply it, is one of the most beautiful ways people can bond with you. It’s scientifically proven that the act of giving grants the giver oxytocin, which emotionally bonds them with feelings of love to the person they are giving to.
Many people don’t realise that if they are doing everything themselves, and they are not asking for what they need and allowing themselves to receive, then they are not generating deeper connections with others.
If you are the only one giving, it is usual for the person continually receiving to lose interest and start disconnecting from you.
Belief systems have a huge amount to do with being able to be a receiver. If you feel guilty about asking for what you need and terribly uncomfortable with receiving – which is very normal for people who have suffered narcissistic abuse – there is work to be done here!
Let’s look at the goal of where we want to get. It’s this: being able to ask clearly and confidently for assistance when needed – without being winey, passive-aggressive, trying to guilt others into it, or giving long-winded explanations about why we can’t do it ourselves.
All of this is a product of not believing we deserve help, and then we will see the results reflected back to us of exactly that!
I know with myself, this was huge (as were all my deservedness and boundary function issues!). Personally, I believe that if this is a struggle, there are some very important belief systems that we may need to look at and release and heal.
Here is my list for you to check out:
Everything is up to me.
I am unsupported by life and others.
My needs are invalidated and unimportant.
I am invisible.
If I let people do things for me, they will hold it over me, control me and hurt me.
Again Module 1 and the Source Healing and Resolution Module in NARP can powerfully release these beliefs for you – granting you the trajectory of life where you CAN ask for and receive support, as well as let people go who were a match for these previous painful beliefs.
#3 Do Nice Things for Yourself
Once upon a time, I used to feel bad for someone having to work too hard on me with a message, even though I was paying them for it! And I felt so guilty spending money on it that I couldn’t enjoy it anyway. In my mind, it felt like time wasted on myself, when I could have been doing something so much more productive.
If we are into being over-practical, incredibly responsible and frugal and self-denying – then it is extremely hard to do nice things for ourselves.
How many people work hard and are over practical all their life, and then it is too late to enjoy the fruits of their labours? Maybe they are too old, or they get sick, or even die before they do.
Many people who have security fears struggle to have holidays, or a new hairdo or a night out to dinner, or to buy some clothes or do something pampering for oneself.
I love it how people in the NARP community have granted themselves the most beautiful acts of self-giving, by doing things such as their own ring ceremony to affirm their love to themselves, or they buy themselves flowers on Valentine’s day.
I remember when I was coming out of my over-functioning, brutal workaholism and self-punishment that I would take myself out to dinner, to a yoga class, or a beautiful location for a holiday.
When financially recovering from narcissistic abuse, little joys and time spent with yourself don’t need to cost money. Time spent in nature is free and replenishing. We can do things like taking a picnic and a good book on the beach.
Or if staying indoors, turning on some music and dancing in your living room to it.
The ways to do nice things for ourselves are endless, and the more we clear trauma our of our Being, the more space we have within to start connecting to Lifeforce and the good stuff.
Even our healing time with ourselves is a special act of self-giving. I love making this time for me, by making myself a lovely cup of something, sitting on my couch and releasing dense energy and bringing more Light in. Or I do this when I am walking on the beach in the morning – and I always feel fantastic afterward.
What I love about treating self in healthy ways, is that this sets a precedent for being able to accept others giving to us as well. It also means that we will be generous with our giving to others.
Let’s look at some limiting beliefs that can block us doing nice things for ourselves.
It is wrong, selfish, ungodly etc. to do nice things for myself.
There are others who need so much more than me.
If I spend money on me, I will not have enough.
If I am not focused on the practical, something terrible could go wrong in my life.
Again NARPers you know what to do, to dig these beliefs out and start living your life free of them!
#4 Eat Healthy
With the number of toxins and chemicals that have infiltrated our food sources, it has become more necessary than ever that we choose whole and healthy foods.
Healthy fresh whole foods are delicious when a little care has gone into their preparation. Food education hasn’t been something the generation before us were focused on. Packaged convenience food were things that many of us were brought up on, to accept as okay in our diets, yet this isn’t healthy at all.
Food can harm or heal. Nonconscious food choices can create weight gain, diabetes, inflammation and organ, nervous system and brain damage. Healthy whole foods nourish our brain and body.
A very large part of our health, radiance, energy and wellbeing is about what we eat.
In the information age we live in, truly ignorance doesn’t cut it anymore – we can all google and learn about what is healthy and what isn’t.
By eating whole foods and eliminating sugar and preservatives as much as possible from your diet, you will reap the rewards of a healthy body and mind, as well as a glowing lifeforce within.
I truly believe healthy food is essential self-care.
Let’s look at some limiting beliefs that can prevent us from eating healthily
Healthy food is boring, unappetising and unpleasant.
I won’t enjoy myself if I can’t eat the foods I want.
I don’t deserve to nourish my being.
I will be rejected or ostracised by my family or peers if I eat healthily.
Sugar and bad foods fill my emptiness within.
I punish myself with bad food.
And of course, there may be others that are very specific to you.
Belief systems are such a big part of healthy food struggles, I really recommend doing the inner work to make this journey easier for yourself.
By clearing them, you will evolve beyond them and reset to your organic truth which is ‘health and wellbeing’.
#5 Move Your Body
Our Life-force when stagnant gets depressed, stuck and even toxic. Holistically and optimally we need to move our body every day. This is such an important part of our recovery, evolution and expansion to open up the cells in our Being, as we release trauma, so that Lifeforce and Wellbeing (Source) can enter us and move through us as us.
Exercise is a big part of this.
The benefits from exercise are so good – emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. Exercise is a very personal journey. I love walking, yoga and Pilates. it is a very rare day that I don’t do some form of exercise, even just a walk.
Let’s look at some limiting exercise beliefs
Exercising is unpleasant and boring.
I don’t have the energy or the motivation to exercise.
I don’t deserve to be healthy and fit.
What is the point? It’s going to be too hard and take too long to achieve the results I want.
If I open up to exercise, I will be unsafe, exposed and not able to contain my emotions.
I punish myself by not moving.
Naturally digging out our limiting beliefs can be very confronting, yet if we leave them there we have a constant battle with ourselves, where we can literally drive ourselves crazy and the guilt is horrific each time we default back to the limiting belief.
As Dr. Bruce Lipton explains, when the subconscious and the conscious mind go up against each other, the subconscious wins, hence why doing the reprogramming there is so much more effective.
With all of these five self-care delightful practices, a very powerful and easy way to get them online is to target the traumas in your Inner Being that are blocking you doing (whatever the self-care practice is) and one by one you can dig them all out and release so that you naturally flow forward into these desired practices.
Again Module 1 and the Source Healing and Resolution Module in NARP are very effective solutions for this – and all you have to do is follow the instructions in these healings.
This is what I love about our Thriver Journey, it is so much more than just escaping narcissistic abuse, it is REALLY about becoming our healthiest and most actualised self.
If these are areas of your life that you wish to heal and improve, I’d love to help you, from the inside out, achieve this. My entire system for recovery of ourselves is highly effective, and you can learn more about this in my free 16-day recovery course which you can access here.
And I’d love to hear your feedback regarding this episode. Did you relate to these five areas and the limiting beliefs? Do you want to see more videos about topics like these? Also, let me know what topics you would like me to cover regarding healing stuff apart from narcissistic abuse.
And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.
As always, I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.
Many people are not sure whether or not they are suffering from narcissistic abuse. Cognitive dissonance and the confusion that goes with abuse can have a lot to do with this.
Today I want to grant you eight signs to know that you are suffering narcissistic abuse, so that not only can you have clarity, but also you know where to go from here.
If this is your first time dealing with narcissistic abuse, you may not realise that by the time you’re suffering these eight signs things are serious, and if you don’t get clarity and start making decisions to protect yourself it’s going to get much worse.
Those of you who are going through this again, like myself and many others did twice or more, we really need to face up to the facts about what toxic relationships look like and who we need to be to get out of them and stay out of them.
This is exactly what today’s article is all about – the awareness and solutions to empower you up and out of narcissistic abuse. Please know this article is about absolutely any narcissist in your life – all the signs apply to any toxic relationship such as a spouse, lover, family member, neighbour or friend. Anyone.
Number 1: Your Relationship Is Not Kind, Caring Or Sane
Now, this is where we need to get really clear. Toxic relationships can be very confusing at times, making it difficult to know ‘who is who in the zoo’. This happens because a toxic person will spin it back on you, blame you and will not be accountable.
I really want to say this about the first of the eight signs that you are suffering from narcissistic abuse: if someone hurts you and is not capable of a genuine apology, and you keep hanging out with this person, they will continue to hurt you. They will never be remorseful and, of course, will continue the same behaviour.
We do need to understand what out-of-bounds behaviour is. It can range all the way from name-calling to physical abuse; to mental abuse and pathological lying; to having no regard for your property or the people you care about … the list goes on and on.
I have included here a link to my article Are You With a Narcissist? so that you can get very clear about what narcissistic behaviours are.
If you are in a relationship with a person who repeats out-of-bound behaviours that are violating and hurtful, first of all know our Inner Being always registers this! This means you are being abused. If this person makes false or non-existent apologies, has no respect or care for your feelings, blames you for the problems, and even smears you to others telling them you are the bad guy or girl and that it is he or she who is being abused, then this is absolutely narcissistic.
The Truth About This
People either have a decent character or they don’t. We are not going to change who people are – it is us who needs to change for us to have any chance of a healthy, loving and happy life.
That entails letting go of our connection to someone like this, healing ourselves by doing the inner work, and getting very clear about our own self-love, self-worth, boundaries and how to generate real, loving and responsible adult relationships in the future.
A person like this simply does not have the resources to grant us this – but we can.
Now let’s look at the second sign that you are suffering from narcissistic abuse.
Number 2: You Are Dealing With Immature Behaviour and Give Up Pieces of Yourself To Comply
A hallmark of narcissistic relationships is this person gets bent out of shape on hair-line triggers that mature adults just don’t get upset about. Also, they believe they are entitled to and expect preferential treatment, and can be nasty, demanding, punishing and even explosive if they don’t receive it.
You discover that there are certain things you just can’t naturally or normally talk about. Likewise, there are things that you would normally be free to do, that may be unacceptable or risky now.
Maybe if this person doesn’t get their own way, they will abandon you or threaten to leave you, and again you start doing things outside of your comfort and value systems to stop this happening.
Often your inner being is screaming ‘no’ when the narcissist asks for something, but you know what could take place if you don’t comply, so you give up your time, resources, and even life, trying to keep this person happy, which ironically doesn’t work and the walking on broken glass doesn’t stop either.
You will never make this person happy, and it’s not your job to either. Your true soul mission is to align with the truth of your soul and then you will serve others and life in holistic and healthy ways. By staying with someone like this, not only are you being destroyed but you are also hurting the people who care about you. By staying with them and trying to please them, you are enabling this person to continue being an abuser.
No one wins in the healthy stakes in this dynamic.
Okay, so the third sign that you are suffering from narcissistic abuse is this…
Number 3: You Are Angry, Disjointed and Are Behaving In Ways That You Normally Don’t
I believe a good indication that you are being narcissistically abused is seeing the discrepancy with how you feel with this person in relation to your everyday dealings with other people.
If you know that you have integrity, can listen, have empathy, are capable of having sane conversations and get along with most people in your life, and yet there is ‘this’ person who brings out the worst in you – this is generally because your boundaries are being violated and the normal modes of human operations don’t stand.
The circular arguments you are having make your head spin, because they go around and around on unrelated tangents – points that make no sense. Narcissists use these tactics when confronted, or they argue with you to manipulate you into something unwholesome:
make excuses for their behaviour.
minimise an incident altogether.
accuse someone else of wrongdoing.
confuse you with antics or trivia to take you off the subject.
use allies, real or fabricated, to back up their argument.
use ‘tit for tat’ behaviours relating to something you did in the past.
state how disloyal your accusations of them are.
discredit your observations, owing to your ‘unstable’ past.
And the list goes on and ON! You feel like your head is spinning and the frustration, pain and trauma is beyond intense.
The Truth About This
Please get VERY clear about this – when you are enmeshed with a sick person, you get sick.
If you are experiencing these type of instances in your relationship, it is time to pull away, get away and heal. You may not realise it, but what you are doing is granting what this person wants – the drama and significance of knowing they can hook you in and affect you so much. It’s called narcissistic supply. You need to cut this off to have any chance of getting your soul and life back.
Number 4: You Find Yourself Trying To Prove That You Are A Good Person
Because the narcissist is regularly accusing you of all the things that they are and do, such as lacking integrity and love and care for people, being unfaithful, lying, making it all about yourself, wanting to use people for your own gain, etc., naturally you will be incensed and try extremely hard to prove and convince them otherwise.
You will be shocked at the allegations regarding things that you don’t do and aren’t capable of doing, which, in actual fact, you know are what the narcissist does.
You may have said in total shock and horror to the narcissist, ‘Do you have a mirror?’ or ‘You have no idea who I am’ or ‘If you really think that about me, why are you with me?’
The Truth About This
This is another deadly hook that narcissists can get us enmeshed with them on. If we believe that our integrity, character, wellbeing and safety is dependent on what other people think of us, then we are really susceptible to this narcissistic behaviour.
To truly heal we need to detach from other people who have warped versions of us and then heal inside to get to the solid place of knowing. It’s only our version of ourselves that is vital. And when we are true to our ‘self’, who and what is healthy will follow, and those that don’t we will easily leave alone.
Number 5: You Are Mopping Up the Messes
Being connected with a narcissist has lots of drama, rough edges and quite frankly means that disasters are always looming.
Narcissists usually aren’t good with detail, accountability or sensibility. They fly high, seeking narcissistic supply and acclaim with not much thought for ‘doing the right thing’. It’s normal to have all sorts of things pop up as a result of the narcissist’s loose and non-accountable behaviour, which of course is always someone else’s fault.
If your life is connected with one of these people, it is usual that you will be paying their fines, sorting out their messes and dramas, and even lying for them to cover their tracks.
It’s like this analogy – as you are watering their back lawn trying to keep it green, yours gets parched, turns brown and dies.
The Truth About This
This is how narcissists roll, and this is what happens to the sensible, well-meaning, responsible people who narcissists like to recruit into their lives.
Know that when you are emptied out you will be discarded and the narcissist will then find some other good, responsible person to take on the mopping-up task for them.
One of the greatest gifts of our recovery, when we walk away from people like this and do the inner work, is we learn how to be responsible for ourselves and generate lives with people who take responsibility, and we stop enabling people who don’t.
By walking away, healing and re-starting our life with self-responsibility – being left to ‘mop up messes’ won’t happen to us again.
Number 6 – Your Boundaries Are Being Disintegrated
To try to minimalise the trauma and mayhem that breaks out – you start to give up on trying to assert your needs.
Or maybe, because you have dissolved into so many feelings of powerlessness, helplessness and despair, you find yourself begging or pleading for your boundaries to be respected. Discovering that the narcissist has zero empathy for you and won’t comply, takes you down into an even deeper place of helplessness.
The Truth About This
It’s extremely common for people with poor boundaries to get involved with narcissists. When we get away and start healing and recovering our True Selves, we can become someone who has a healthy boundary function.
Then we know going forward that it isn’t about other people getting our boundaries, rather it is about us knowing our values, limits and truths; and if people can’t respect that, then these people can’t be in our life – no matter who they are.
For most of us this is our most important recovery work – because when we were young we weren’t able to establish and develop our inner truth, values and needs.
Number 7: You Feel Addicted, Disjointed and Manic
A perverse addiction happens with narcissists. There are many reasons we get trauma-bonded to them, and I’m sharing these resources on trauma bonding and peptide addiction to help you understand what it is all about.
Suffice to say, before you understand what is going on with you physiologically – meaning within the cells in your literal body, which is hijacking 95% of your feelings, thoughts and your nervous system – you may feel manic and unable to stop trying to contact or hook back up with the narcissist, even when you know how much you continually get hurt by doing so.
We can be horrified with how addicted we are to someone who treats us so terribly. It just doesn’t make logical sense, hence why you really need to look at these resources above that I have provided you with.
I have had ex-heroin addicts tell me that getting off a narcissist is ten times harder than getting off heroin. After going through the horrifying narcissistic addiction myself, which nearly claimed my life, I can see what they mean.
The Truth About This
It is of course very serious when it gets to a stage where we simply can’t talk ourselves out of doing the actions that we know are putting ourselves back into the fire to get burnt again.
Deep inner healing in our subconscious is so necessary to start shifting out the trauma; to be able to be in our inner beings with ourselves, self-soothing, looking after ourselves and no longer handing power away in ways that are dangerous and possibly even tragically self-disintegrating.
Number 8: You Are Suffering Abuse Symptoms
Things are now very serious. When our emotional Inner Being has been screaming out for our attention and we haven’t as yet pulled away and turned inwards to heal and tend to our own soul and life-force, then physically we start breaking down for our soul to fully get our attention.
It is likely that anxiety and depression, and even greater issues like fibromyalgia, adrenal issues, PTSD and agoraphobia, start to develop. You lose interest in the activities, people and self-care, which used to grant you energy, as the toxic person in your life takes up more and more of your energy and focus.
As we get stripped away more and more, and keep handing our power, energy and attention away only to become less and less, the shame and pain becomes so great that we may start hiding out from the world, lying to people, covering up and feel even more isolated in our traumatic feelings and symptoms.
The Truth About This
How bad does it have to get before we awaken to the truth?
If we stay things get worse. And if we leave and don’t attend to our inner healing, things get worse.
We may lose a lot by leaving, as many of us have, however, by leaving we can achieve the greatest gain – finally turning inwards to integrate with ourselves so that we are in a position of wholeness and can be in control of our choices and have the power to look after ourselves and create a healthy, happy and truly loving life.
Okay, please know this – there are varying degrees of narcissism and there also are people who can just be clueless and selfish but not necessarily afflicted with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
If someone in your life does not share your values and doesn’t care for your feelings, then this is not a healthy relationship for you. As soon as we try changing other people, it’s time to pull away and say to ourselves and them, ‘This is who I am and what I need for us to continue.’
The person then either steps up, because they wish to change and meet us there or doesn’t – and if they don’t, we care and love people enough, regardless of who they are, to let them have their version of life for themselves – even if it is not what we want.
But the real question is: Are YOU whole enough to walk away if they don’t or can’t meet you where you are at?
That’s the Thriver development that we all need to do if we are to be whole and safe and powerful regardless of what other people are or aren’t doing.
The effects of narcissistic abuse can be excruciating.
Many of us have tried so hard to heal from the anxiety, depression and feelings of powerlessness and hopelessness that abuse trauma can cause. And some of you may have gone on to develop adrenal malfunction, fibromyalgia, Complicated Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) or agoraphobia.
So why were we able to get up and go again with other events in our life – even serious ones – but this time we just CAN’T…
…despite all the effort we make, the knowledge we learn and the practices we study?
In this Thriver TV Episode, we will look at ineffectual avenues of healing and why they haven’t worked. We will investigate the scientific evidence of the new healing ways, that do heal us deeply at our core, and why they do.
If you have battled to heal, and possibly even feel defective or a failure because you aren’t getting better, today’s episode is a must-watch video for you.
The Proven Way To Heal Toxic Relationship Trauma – Part One - YouTube
This is the first of a two-part series about healing from interpersonal trauma.
This episode includes why it has been so difficult to heal from narcissistic abuse and relationship trauma. We will also be looking at the different ways we thought we could be healed, ways that have proven for most people to be ineffectual, as well as Quantum Healing effectiveness that is now backed by science and which does release us from trauma, deeply, at our subconscious and cellular level, in ways that standard contemporary therapy simply can’t.
Today you are going to start learning exactly why talk therapy and trying to think differently, and even learning copious amounts of information about abuse and your abuse symptoms, although can help you know you’re not alone or going mad, does not have the ability to heal you.
The specific healing work that I will be talking to you about in this two-part series, is cellular. It’s Quantum – it’s where spirituality and science meet as a powerhouse of healing.
Today, because I am alive and not just surviving after relationship trauma but Thriving beyond my wildest dreams, where I have zero symptoms and am healthier, happier, more confident and safer in my body and life than I have ever been, even before being abused, it’s my life’s mission to educate you about how I healed for real and how you can also.
In this series, I am sharing humble, powerful and authentic accounts from my own life, as well as those of numerous Thrivers within this Community, regarding what our experiences were and how we healed. I want to inspire you, regardless of how bad your trauma symptoms are, and even if you feel that it’s impossible to heal or that it is just too late for you.
I promise you this is just not true.
The conversation this week and next week is so that you can save your soul and life and become the powerful knock-on effect for your children and their children – and for our world.
Before we get started, thank you, everyone, who has subscribed to my channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission, and please know I love hearing from all you beautiful Thrivers and about your breakthroughs. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.
Okay, let’s move on in!
Our Disbelief In How Hard It Is To Heal
Let’s start off by examining the limited ability we have had to heal from intense trauma.
I have met some extremely rare individuals over the years who just seem to be able to ‘get over it’ and move on after terrible abuse. For me, personally, and usually for the hundreds of thousands of people I have met over the last decade, this just wasn’t possible. Generally, extreme emotional wounding and a decreased ability to function is the norm.
Those people who I have seen push the pain down, or compartmentalise it and just carry on, generally have it erupt at a later some stage of life. A very dear friend of mine, after moving on courageously without inner healing from narcissistic abuse as a child, had a breakdown years later whilst in her own loving family – when she had a daughter.
The other people I know who ‘carry on’ have generally kept experiencing reoccurring disappointing events in their outer world. Such as repeat narcissists, or the like; evidence of the shadow – the unmet unconscious trauma becoming conscious by meeting them in real life from the outside – as our shadows do.
As Buddha said, ‘If you want to know what is going on in your inner world, look at your outer world.’
Many of us, after overcoming many terrible things in our life and being able to get up and get on with it again, were shocked to discover just how impactful toxic relationship trauma is, and how it brought us, maybe for the first time ever, to a place where we couldn’t move forward anymore.
This doesn’t have to be intimate partner relationships. It could be with a family member, an authority figure, someone in your workplace, a toxic neighbour, a friend – literally anyone at all.
Regardless of what gender or religion or sexual orientation you are, your age, whether or not the person is still in your life, or even deceased, or whether the abuse happened today or 40 years ago – the trauma may still remain and be living on like a terrible, emotional virus within you.
Please know the result of narcissistic abuse is a shocking dis-ease of our entire Being that can feel unshakeable.
When I first set out to get relief from narcissistic abuse, I was dismayed at how no one had a true healing solution for me.
Doctors and psychologists told me that my Complicated Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), and many other symptoms, couldn’t be healed and that medication and strategies were needed to try to manage my symptoms. Additionally, I was horrified by so many people in abuse forums reporting their diminished health, life and victimhood.
Some of these people even spoke like this decades after their abuse.
Now, thankfully, having been on the forefront of abuse and trauma recovery for more than a decade, I have met countless people who previously reported the same thing, before, humbly, finding my Thriver Way to heal.
This is what Claire, a fellow NARP member and Thriver said, ‘Until the NARP healing system, there was literally NO help for Narcissistic abuse recovery. I went from therapist to therapist; to spiritual healers, alternative therapy; and the list goes on and on. I tried to help myself learn and understand what had happened to me through research, but no matter how much I learnt I couldn’t get well.’
So many of us who end up in narcissistic abuse recovery astoundingly may have already been doing copious amounts of work on ourselves, or already be in healing or mental health industries. I was a spiritual therapist and teacher for years prior to narcissistic abuse, and I know many of you are into studying and being practitioners of wellbeing, personal development, psychology, counselling or human care services. Yet we still found ourselves in relationships that brought us to our knees.
Why didn’t the learning, studying and therapy change our relationship patterns or take away the pain?
The answer is this: because we weren’t shown how to heal from painful relationship traumas and programs within our Inner Beings. There was not the releasing of our trauma cellularly or the reprogramming of our subconscious painful programs to create us as a New Healed Self.
Feeling Like A Failure When Trying To Heal
I really want to acknowledge you. Most people who experience the devastation of toxic individuals and any sort of human relationship abuse are extremely traumatised. Not only are you fighting for your mind, sanity and life, but it is also possible that your finances, security and what and who you care for are under siege too.
Let’s just make this really clear right here, right now – you being in this position is not your fault, and I want you to know that you are NOT a failure.
Maybe you are horrified with how you can’t stop going back to the abuse, no matter how terribly you are treated.
And, you are probably in shock that your life has ended up like this – somewhere you never believed you’d be at the age that you are. Add to this, of course, all the compounding feelings of failing because you don’t seem to be getting better.
Or maybe just when you think you might be getting better, you find yourself sliding back down into a deep, dark hole again.
I can’t tell you how often before I discovered how to heal for real, that was my experience – for years.
Like my previous self, you may have, after exhausting your own considerable determination and efforts, diligently consulted people who you hoped could help.
I was in psych therapy – lots of it. I was also seeing healers, dieticians, doctors, personality disordered specialists and specialised lawyers, but nothing was helping me get away, stay away, heal and move on with my life.
So many people told me to let go of him. One Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) specialist told me the outcome if I stayed was my death or institutionalisation.
Yet I couldn’t stay away.
Meanwhile, the guilt and shame of who and what my life had become was eating me alive – I completely believed I was hopeless, defective and pathetic.
But this wasn’t true. I wasn’t healing because no one knew the truth about what was really going inside me psychologically, and therefore emotionally and mentally. And nobody was addressing my healing where it needed to be addressed, at the core.
All therapy was doing was the constant reaffirming my painful victim story and how hopeless and helpless I felt.
Please know I don’t want to knock therapists; I have heard of people gaining support and comfort from them. However, this I believe with all my heart: the old models of therapy, talking about the problems and receiving medication, needs updating. And I believe this because unless we are addressing trauma at the core of where it resides, then we are only hoping to try to manage symptoms – hence why there is an ongoing need for so much therapy without any real healing result.
The effective therapists in our world now, are the ones who are working deeply with the body-brain connection and are not just attempting to manage symptoms.
Chelsea, a Community Thriver, shared this: ‘Unfortunately with the psychiatrists, therapists and psychologists I saw, all that was accomplished was similar to putting a band aid on a broken bone. It doesn’t really fix anything. However, when recovery is tackled where the real problems are rooted, the real healing begins.’
Additional to therapy, in amongst all my desperation to try to find an answer to heal, I researched abuse community forums for many hours most nights. I hoped it would help me deal with him, as well as the terrible symptoms I now had, which included severe anxiety, depression, fibromyalgia and agoraphobia as well as CPTSD.
It didn’t. The more knowledge I gained, the angrier and more devastated I got and the more obsessed about him I became. And I still couldn’t stay away.
Tina another NARP Thriver says this about her experience: ‘I kept finding more information on narcissists and the abuse, but I got tired of reading about the abuse and how bad it all was. I just wanted to get over the powerless feeling I felt. This is the secret I never had – focusing on healing ME! I am now free from the despair and happy for the first time in a very long time.’
I know that many of us in this community are spiritual. I am too. I also sought out alternative methods to heal – holistic healers and Life Coaches. I had treatments including Reiki and Crystal Healing sessions. And I was regularly doing meditation, affirmations and journaling.
These things would grant some temporary relief, but the pain and mental obsessions about him came back and still I couldn’t keep away.
I even determinedly tried Law of Attraction on me, my life and even him. But there was no way with my deterioration of health that I was able to override my inner trauma, which assaulted me 24 hours a day, by trying to just ‘think positive’.
Now I know that Law of Attraction was one of the most devastating processes I tried to do. Later I discovered that trying to mentally push through extreme subconscious survival trauma programs by forcing yourself to be ‘positive’ can almost break you into psychosis. There is such a need to first face, hold and release the trauma to make space for a new positive program.
As Bruce Lipton says, ‘If you go to battle with your subconscious and conscious minds, your subconscious will win every time.’ In fact, as I devastatingly discovered, it will make the painful program and trauma more magnified to assert itself.
Of course, this made me feel like even more of a failure.
Okay, so if you are or were like me and you have worked your butt off trying numerous ways to heal from trauma, I want you to write below: ‘This happened to me too sister!’ And maybe you would like to list what you have tried that hasn’t helped, and also share what has.
So now, today, I know the truth – the reason why I wasn’t healing wasn’t because I was a bad person, unintelligent, or broken beyond repair. It was just that no one had ever taught me about inner trauma and painful beliefs, which were hijacking 95% of my brain and nervous systems and hooking me hard onto someone who represented these unmet and unhealed places within me.
This was not my fault. I logically never chose it and I logically had no control over it. These toxic binds were being driven by forces much more powerful than my conscious self. Will power was useless in the face of this – as was mere information and strategies.
What was needed was a deep, cellular shift directly in the core of where these deep powerful forces were playing out. And when I achieved that, I promise you none of my powerless, enmeshed, addicted, victimised self remained. And all my trauma dis-ease and symptoms completely left me. I am healed and whole and free of all of them, and have been for a long time.
Please know if this has been your struggle too, it doesn’t mean that you can’t heal and that you are doomed to suffer these terrible traumas, battling your symptoms indefinitely or for life – it just means that you haven’t, just like I hadn’t at this stage, understood the truth yet.
The Real Truth About Healing
I really want you to know what contemporary medicine and abuse forums say that is not the truth. They are telling you that you are sentenced to struggle with abuse symptoms and a diminished life. With all my heart I promise you this is NOT true.
It is totally NOT true that CPTSD, agoraphobia, adrenal malfunction or fibromyalgia are unhealable conditions that you will have for life; and that you will need constant medication and therapy. What is true is that when you find and release the traumas from your subconscious – which is generating these conditions – they simply melt away.
A Thriver member called PP shares this: ‘As a result of my abusive relationship, I acquired fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, osteoporosis, bruxism, insomnia and sleep deprivation, and then some. The Thriver healing system is the only one I have found that addresses the inner energetic component and effects of narcissistic abuse. Without this Program I doubt whether a person could ever fully recover and truly make the turnaround from survivor to Thriver. This is exactly the healing and approach I have needed for so long.’ Myself and tens of thousands of people in this Community are living proof of this.
Now let’s look at the science behind why subconscious healing systems works.
What Neuro-Science Has Now Discovered
I love what the scientific community is now proving regarding trauma and the body-brain connection, because it completely backs and supports the Thriver Recovery process.
Bessel Van Der Kolt, a Dutch Psychiatrist who is a forefront expert on the understanding of trauma, states that the logical part of our brain doesn’t have the ability to communicate with our brain’s limbic and internal nervous systems, where our trauma experiences reside, and therefore talk therapy is ineffectual to deal with it. It’s only through taking our attention within to our visceral emotional experience that we can hope to overcome trauma.
The starting point focus of the Thriver Way to heal is self-partnering. Every healing takes you into your inner world in theta brainwaves to bypass your logical brain and enter your subconscious, visceral feelings and internal programs.
Then the healing work is done with processes that communicate directly with your subconscious – your cellular inner self.
I want you to imagine this analogy: you are looking at a closed car hood and trying to imagine what the mechanical problem is that is going on inside the engine.
If you don’t go inside, firstly you will never know what the real issue is – you are only guessing. And secondly, if you don’t go inside you will never fix your ‘self’ and the problem will remain.
Regarding our trauma, talking, thinking and researching amounts to exactly this – lots of contention and absolutely no healing.
Bruce Lipton is an internationally recognised cellular biologist and bestselling author. He explains that as adults, our life is already programmed by our previous emotional experiences that generated belief systems in relation to these.
Bruce says that by the time we are around 35 years of age, our logical mind has only a 5% capacity of changing who we are, therefore regardless of how much we learn, research or talk about our life, we don’t break out of the patterns which aren’t serving us. Only going inward to reprogram our subconscious, which is in control of 95% of our life, does this.
He also explains that our subconscious programs control 40 billion bits per second of information that we process in relation to our life experiences, whereas our logical mind processes a teeny 40 bits per second. This is why it is impossible to think our way out of our painful emotional experiences, which are generating our feelings, thoughts and choices as well as who and what we connect to and stay attached to.
If, for example, we have painful internal trauma that has generated the subconscious belief, ‘People I love hurt me, leave me, replace me, betray me (the list of course may go on)’, these are the people and experiences we continue to make true in our life with the power of 95% of our Being directing this – no matter what we try to think and learn.
In Part Two of this series, I will share with you how I was given the codes and the ways through an information download – how to access the subconscious, find these traumas and associated beliefs, load them up and release them. Our logical mind has no ability or way to do this.
You will learn also how we can change our emotional programs directly at our core, often instantly, so that we are no longer the Old Self operating from the Old Program. Instead we are freed onto the trajectory of more empowered, whole and conscious reactions and decisions that do serve us.
Joe Dispenza is a scientist and researcher on the leading edge of neuroscience, epigenetics and quantum physics. He teaches us that our brain follows our body – meaning our mind thinks in alignment with our inner subconscious programs and does not have access to a healthier path until we create a shift on the inside of ourselves.
Therefore, once we change our inner subconscious programs, how we think, which is our level of consciousness, will automatically reflect this.
One of the most powerful ways I have found to produce a shift is to enlist a Higher Power force to fill the space where the released trauma once was.
If we were just to release trauma, then in its place we would have an emptiness; a bewilderment about who we are and what is next in our lives. Yet when we fill the space where the trauma was with our SuperConscious, then we have the best teacher embodied within us.
We literally become Infinite intelligence which knows how to be for the greater good, firstly for self and then as an outflow, benefitting all of life and others in divine, powerful, yet graceful and healthy ways.
You may think of this as your Higher Power (whatever your Higher Power means to you). To you this may be God, or The Universe or Creation or even Lifeforce.
This Higher Self element is what many contemporary and even some energetic healing processes miss, and it’s one that many Quantum Healers do enlist. Honestly, I don’t believe we have any ability to heal the unthinkable – which is what narcissistic abuse truly is – unless we pull on a force, this Infinite, which does this so powerfully.
This Higher Self aspect – to midwife a shift from the Old Self into your True Self to help bring through the breakdown of the Old Order to the breakthrough of your highest potential New Order in record time, with maximum potency – is a big part of my healing process and occurs multiple times in every healing that you do in NARP.
This is what Lakiira said about this, ‘During the first healing, it felt like magic but it’s science. I knew that I was touching on something spiritual and a Higher Power was involved, because the feeling of emptiness I had always felt had shifted. I was coming home to myself. I believe 100% in the power of Quantum Healing, and I hope everyone can be free from emotional trauma by opening up to receive this energy and love.’
Okay, so I’m going to leave this very important discussion here at this point. I think we have had enough to feel into and talk about for now.
As well as what I mentioned before, next week we are going to investigate the Science of the Observer Effect, Quantum Consciousness, the truth about our genes and our ability to create ourselves and our Life anew, even from severe trauma symptoms and even if trauma is all we have ever known.
I’m also going to share with you the three specific Quantum keys I discovered to achieve full Thriver Healing status and my experiences when channelling, creating and applying Quanta Freedom Healing.
Please know if you don’t want to wait until next week and want to dive on in and start ‘going Quantum’, you can do so by clicking this link. My free 16-day course will explain so much to you – things that will make perfect sense about..
Many people are shocked by how sick, traumatised and helpless a narcissist makes them feel.
Even if you have completely gone No Contact, it’s as if the abuse lives on inside of you – like some terrible virus.
And, of course any contact or news can be like a new batch of poison coursing through your Being.
What is going on here? How can we get out of this?
In today’s Thriver TV episode, I share with you a very important story that is all our stories. It is my greatest wish today, that this story offers you an incredible opportunity to understand deeply what being sick, traumatised and helpless really is about…
As well as how to HEAL from it for REAL
How Narcissists Keep You Sick, Traumatised and Helpless - YouTube
I know that you know what it feels like to be stuck in the continual obsession of someone hurting you.
It feels like they are under your skin, crawling around inside you – and your brain is frantically trying to find some solution to the psychic infiltration; the terrible sickness that has infected you.
I remember feeling like this.
I see people still stuck in this every day.
In today’s Thriver TV, I’m going to share with you an important, real-life story that just happened.
This story is not just this lady’s – it’s yours and mine and everyone else’s who has been narcissistically abused. We are truly all in this together.
It is my greatest hope today that this story brings you the answers, peace, and power to get out of feeling sick, traumatised and helpless at the hands of a narcissist, forever.
All right, so before we get started I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for subscribing to my channel and helping support the Thriver Mission and way to heal. If you haven’t as yet subscribed, please do. And if you like this video please give it a thumbs up!
A Beautiful Person Who Is Hurt
I talked to such a lady a few days ago. A friend of mine – a lovely kind, giving, caring lady. She is in her sixties, and she adores her children and her grandchildren. This is a lady who loves unconditionally; who would give the very clothes off her back for other people.
Yet she is plagued, infected and suffering every day with the trauma of the narcissists in her previous and present life.
She was the child who looked after her siblings; who helped raise them, protect them and care for them within a family that was toxic and abusive.
Devastatingly, the present narcissist in her life is her brother. One of the siblings she gave her devoted care, attention and support to. She literally raised him.
Her brother has it all – seemingly. The perfect, abundant, successful life. But he completely disregards my friend – this beautiful lady, who is renting, on welfare and has numerous health afflictions. Despite this, the brother attacks my friend constantly, bad-mouthing her to other family members and even her own children and nephews and nieces, whom my friend loves and cherishes.
Every day the obsession of wanting her brother to repent and stop smearing her plagues her. She wants her brother to wake up and recognise what she did for him. And apologise, love her, support her and stop desecrating her. My friend can’t stop herself checking in with family members about what has been said and what is going on with this brother’s functions and events.
So many of us know this story – giving everything we had, and then some, to care for and love a person, only to see them run off into the sunset with the goodies, while we are left behind broken and shattered on the ground in pieces.
My friend is strong and such a survivor, yet the feelings of being sick, traumatised and helpless remain. She admitted today that a couple of years ago the trauma had got so bad she wanted to give up, and that presently she is feeling like she is battling every day to get up and get on with it because her health conditions have become so acute.
She has been through so much and it hasn’t destroyed her, yet is only ‘surviving’ the end goal?
I don’t believe it is at all, because I know there is another way, and if we don’t find it, then we stay sick, traumatised and helpless, and our life continues to break down.
The Truth About All Of This
My friend is spiritual; she is a really beautiful soul. She is the usual type of person that I see get devastated by narcissistic abuse every day – good people. People who are giving, loving and caring, who believe that being ‘a good person’ is enough.
Well, not in the context we thought it was.
To be a good person means that we must be good to ourselves first. And the truth is no one taught us the truth about this. In a world where power over was the programming we received – the needs of a few catered to at the expense of the needs of many – we were brought up to believe in the self-sacrificial model of ‘Do unto others as you would have them do onto you.’
Did this work? No it didn’t!
It actually defies all Quantum Law – because if we believe this model works, then we will give and give until it hurts and then when we don’t receive the love, approval, and validation from these people, we feel incredibly hurt.
And if these people turn on us and start smashing us, as narcissists do, then we become traumatised.
Which is exactly what this lady, very understandably, is.
In Quantum Law – so within, so without – the absolute truth is the outer universe responds to us in the exact way that we create our inner universe. It also means that the choices we make in our outer universe will correspond directly with our inner universe.
In short, the only way to honour The Field (everyone and everything) in honourable ways is to align with and be true to our own emotional resonance and inner knowing for ‘Self’. Giving and staying attached to people who are not healthily respecting us hurts. And if we continue this, we get more hurt.
People do not treat us as we treat them, they treat us as we treat ourselves. We, in effect, train people how to treat us with our own self-love, respect and healthy boundaries.
If we pull away from abusive people, heal our inner emotional state, which can only be performed by us, then these people will either rise to meet us at a healthy level of relationship or they leave our experience.
Either way we are living congruently to Inner Quantum Truths.
For my previous self and this lady, if we have the beliefs ‘I haven’t got rights’; ‘I can’t speak up or I’ll be criticised, abandoned, rejected and punished (C.R.A.P.)’, then we disconnect from the needs of our Inner Being and start tuning into and catering to everyone else, trying to get them to love and respect us. Yet, because we have self-abandoned, they don’t. We will stay attached trying to get the love and approval from Sources who have no capacity to give unconditionally.
The astounding thing is, even if people do show up in our life, supporting and granting us love and approval, we may feel guilty and obligated and revert back to the old programs of ‘giving to stay safe whilst trying to get love’, rather than being able to accept love and support healthily.
Our Inner Love Code may not be aligned with healthy relationships – this becomes especially apparent in intimate love relationships usually – and we get deeply distraught in unhealthy ones.
I will say this – the most beautiful, empathetic souls are the ones who suffer the most. They are the people most likely to be abused, who feel the most devastated by abuse and who struggle greatly to see the truth.
When you are in this victimised state of knowing what a good person you are and being dismayed by the behaviour of others, this is the dialogue that of course happens:
‘I want you to suffer for not loving me and understanding what you have done to me’ (And then there is the horrific guilt of knowing that you are a good person but can think like this!)
‘I can’t stop thinking about all the terrible things you have done to me, and the horrible things you say to people about me.’ (Because I can’t stand people not thinking I am the lovely, giving, kind person that I am.)
(Oh gosh – personally this was one of the HARDEST things I had to heal from narcissistic abuse. But the freedom was sooooo vital in doing so!)
When we haven’t yet understood the truth, come inside, self-partnered and healed our inner beliefs, we are stuck in this terrible victimhood – with no relief.
That is a total formula for staying sick, traumatised and helpless.
The Insidiousness of Persecution Programs
Beautiful people who carry deep inner persecution programs have this in common. They are:
• Kind and genuine with high integrity.
• Very concerned about what other people think about them, often apologising or over-explaining for things they don’t need to.
• Very attached to needing people to know that they have a good character.
These people often do the over-checking in, the making sure, the being scared to assert their rights and needing permission to be themselves. It could be termed as over-consideration.
There are deeply embedded traumas within us that we all carry in our cells.
The history of humans has been brutal. We now know through the studies of neuroscientists and epigenetics, that trauma is passed on from generation to generation. If you believe in past lives and that we are a soul evolving to free ourselves of trauma lifetime to lifetime, then you can appreciate that we may have come from terrible histories where we were persecuted, and even have energetic memory within us that makes it terrifying to try to have rights, a voice and be ourselves.
I can’t tell you how many people, including myself, who used to freeze, panic and would always hand power away rather than stand in their truth, and all because of terror and carrying these following inner traumatic subconscious programs…
‘If people don’t believe in me, I could be persecuted and die.’
‘If I don’t prove myself to people, I am not safe.’ And…
‘If people think badly of me and I don’t get them to see the truth, I am going to be put to death.’
Please know inner subconscious programs are not logical – they are deeply felt somatic experiences that are emotional-based and run our lives.
This is the inner topography of so many nice people who have been brutalised by narcissists horrifically.
If you suffer emotionally from a narcissist smearing you, I want you to say these beliefs to yourself, go back to them on the video, or check them out on the blog transcript and sit with it, and see if your body responds. Can you feel emotional charges within you that resonate with them?
If so, you are carrying them.
And that’s important to understand, because your almighty subconscious, which generates 40 billion bits per second of processed information in your life as opposed to your logical mind that only operate 40 bits per second, is running your life on autopilot. By the time we are 35 years of age, 95% of our life is controlled by these programs no matter what we try to think.
If we were to look at being sick, traumatised and helpless at the hands of a narcissist from the victim perspective, we could say my friend’s trauma is because her brother is a revolting person.
That’s certainly been her human story.
When I asked my friend what would help her feel better and well, she said to me, ‘Everyone understanding what a good person I am and my brother not being able to lie about me anymore.’
And then she said, ‘Him coming to me apologising and telling me he loves me.’
I looked this lovely lady straight in the eyes and I said to her, ‘The way things are, that’s not going to ever happen and it’s not even meant to happen?’
She looked at me in horror.
I said, ‘The real question I have for you is, “What is it within you that needs these things to happen for you to be healthy and whole and at peace?”’
She looked at me in astonishment.
I shared with her my story and how I used to feel the same as her and how I ended up as a victim a millimetre off death.
I then asked her to have an open mind and heart to hear what I was going to say next – I set the intention that her soul, not her logical mind, would hear me.
And then I took a deep breath and unleashed it in one big outpour.
This is what I said:
• You probably have been through lifetime after lifetime of being kind and loving to people, and being smashed no matter how loving you were.
• Before you came down ‘this time’ as your soul evolution, which is the real reason you are here, you wanted to heal from this – you wanted to come home inside your body to navigate your True Life from your Inner Being.
• Your brother and all the other narcissists in your life have been belting you to bring forth the unconscious wounds from your past lives and genetic family trauma history to do with ‘Other people have power over me and I don’t have my own rights and truth.’ and ‘My life is in the hands of what other people believe about me and how they treat me.’ that were already inside you.
• You are now in a time of evolution where you can release yourself from all the trauma that has accumulated within you, which is bringing you to your knees, and all the painful beliefs that have formed around these traumas, so that you fill with Source, became your True Self and go free.
• Then you will no longer have the obsession about your brother’s behaviour, and you won’t require anything from him or anyone else in order to feel whole.
• By achieving this soul graduation, your brother’s smear campaigns will fall over; people will come to you and your children, who have been suffering at his hands, will also heal and disconnect from him.
• You will discover from this evolution of yourself that this wasn’t about him at all. It was always about freeing yourself from the traumas within to go forth into life in empowered safe ways, no longer tiptoeing around people or being with broken people trying to get them to love you.
Her eyes were as big as saucers.
She was in tears as she said, ‘I know what you are saying is true.’
Okay, let’s just stop right here everyone – YouTube Thrivers. Can you feel this inside to be your truth too? My intention today was that this episode also spoke to your soul – just like every episode I do.
If your soul resonates, I want you to write below: ‘I know this is what has been happening FOR me and not TO me as well.’
Okay, so, I thought to myself, ‘My goodness, I’ve just smashed this lady with so much information!’
This is the text I received from her: ‘Hi Melanie, thank you for all your information. So much to read and take in. All so real and true. Loving it!’
And I’ve received more nearly every day!
I am so thrilled that she could be on her way to healing and freeing and saving her health, life and soul, and not have to keep coming back lifetime after lifetimes suffering these people so as to heal.
So if you’ve had enough of the pain – enough is enough – then my pledge to you is that I will do everything in my power, as my life’s mission, to help you break free into the life and love that you deserve – instead of this painful nonsense we all can get trapped in.
And … I know you need support and information from people like myself who have been through it, to know WHAT to EXPECT.
That’s why in Today’s Thriver TV Episode I wanted to share with you seven signs to help you know that you ARE on track with recovery.
I also want to help those of you who are not doing Thriver Recovery yet, to get clearer about what REAL recovery looks like and how to start aligning with it.
Wherever you are at – this episode will bring you validation, clarity and much needed answers!
7 Signs You Are Going to Recover from Narcissistic Abuse - YouTube
I love today’s TTV Episode because I know it will give you hope, and that’s so important because in narcissistic abuse recovery it’s not a straight line, and that can be confusing.
We may come so far and then think we have gone screaming backwards – but in fact we haven’t.
It is my greatest hope today that this episode will demystify recovery for you and help you know what it means to be on track. Also, to powerfully get you on track, I am granting you a NARP Version 3 Goal Setting Statement with each of the seven points.
Okay, before we get started, thank you, everyone, who has subscribed to my channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.
As trauma builds, it may be impossible to withstand the painful feelings inside, so as a coping strategy from a young age we may have learned how to ‘check out’ and not ‘be’ in our bodies.
Absolutely as adults when we experience the emotional assaults of narcissistic abuse, that we haven’t processed through to completion and healing yet, the levels of inner trauma are so great that we become dissociative. We may be so checked out that we feel numb and spaced out and possibly can’t even feel our extremities and body parts.
After being dissociative, if you are doing the essential inner work to release your trauma and heal, you may start ‘feeling’ like yourself again. You will become aware of body parts and emotions and feelings inside of you.
A large part of our essential healing is becoming more able to be with our feelings and name them. The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) helps you do this powerfully – creating a safe way to reconnect inside, release trauma and heal yourself from the inside out.
To get back into our bodies, even though at first it seems highly uncomfortable, means that our life starts to reflect the glory and success of Life and others partnering us, just as we are now doing for ourselves.
And we discover, after a time, just how comforting, empowering and loving it feels, as well as completely natural, to be with ourselves self-partnered in our own body.
The NARP Goal Setting Statement that goes with this is: ‘I return into my body, release my trauma, and nestle into my values and truths.’
#2 Having Self-Compassion and Healthy Self-Talk
One of our greatest realisations after narcissistic abuse, is that the outer critical condemning person was often mirroring our own internal critic. How we were never good enough, hadn’t done enough and couldn’t live up to our own conditional standards.
Recovery from narcissistic abuse is a profound journey to realise that self-criticism, self-rejection and self-abandonment is no way to heal, get better and do better. When we start to become conscious of being our own lover and supporter, we start to gather wholeness, courage and capacity to change from the inside out.
This is a huge turnaround from the shame and blame we continually inflicted on ourselves, which contributed to us accepting bad treatment from other people because it mirrored the way we used to treat ourselves.
It is so true – we accept the level of love at the level we love and accept ourselves.
The NARP Goal Setting Statement is: ‘I now support and speak to myself lovingly. It’s my love that my inner being seeks the most.’
#3 You Accept and Settle Into the Healing Process
We can carry all sorts of inner beliefs about not being lovable or worthy of love or anything good until we are ‘perfect’. That is a ridiculous and false premise that has been a part of ingrained human conditioning that in no way serves us.
When you start loving and accepting yourself – flaws, wounds and all – you will discover something very powerful: your healing is much easier, because you no longer have conditions on it.
When we have accepted that we are all wounded and imperfectly perfect, and take responsibility for healing our wounds and releasing ourselves into happier, healthier higher trajectories of living – to benefit ourselves and the All – this changes everything about our healing.
Then you can check in with yourself about what to do to love and hold yourself in times of need. You can work with NARP healing Modules and self-care practices, rather than trying to push and force yourself into shape.
By supporting ourselves with unconditional love, and being in the joyous process of eternal evolution, we get to experience the right support, information, miracles and synchronicities as well as unconditional love from others in our life.
We realise the process of evolving ourselves and self-love right now is the key, not the destination of being ‘healed’.
The NARP Goal Setting Statement is: ‘I accept that I am in an eternal process of evolution with no requirement. I simply get happier, healthier and more whole and serve others and Life in Higher Ways.’
#4 You Start To Love Your Own Company and Peace and Tranquillity
Abusive situations are full of highs, lows, and drama. We may not realise that we are or were carrying all sorts of crisis consciousness patterns, keeping us unconsciously stuck in situations where we needed to fight battles and put out fires.
Because of our unhealed inner trauma, drama allowed us to self-avoid because we didn’t know how to be alone with our unresolved feelings, beliefs and inner traumas.
However, when you purposely turn inwards to self-partner and meet your emotions to release trauma and bring in the Light to heal, you will start to adore peace, calm and tranquillity.
This is when you will start to see the joy and value in the small things, nature, and Life itself.
No longer will you have the stomach for issues, turmoil, and drama.
The NARP Goal Setting Statement is: ‘I settle into the richness of peace and stillness, from where all opportunity is born.’
#5 You Feel Great and Then A Massive Trigger Goes Off Inside You
I really wanted to include this one, because it can be so deceiving. When a trigger goes off inside us, many people think that they have gone backwards in their recovery.
This is not true! These triggers can happen often in narcissistic abuse recovery such as in the time of breaking No Contact. This has happened to many of us after days, weeks, months or years.
There could be, of course, other triggers rather than breaking No Contact that go off for you such as when the ex-narcissistic partner gets a new partner, your kids get involved with a new step-parent, or the narcissist takes you to court. The list is endless.
Or maybe it is a feeling, a trigger that gets set off within you for no logical reason.
Please know this is totally on cue for your recovery. What it means is that now, after reaching a certain level of your evolution and healing, the next BIG wound that is ready to go has appeared for you to unpack it. This happens so you can go UP even higher and freer into your True Self and True Life.
If you feel like the trauma is so big that it’s a 10/10 in intensity – I promise you that if you meet it, release it and bring in Source to replace it (the NARP process), that the graduation, great feelings and bursting forth into your empowerment on the other side is a 10/10 as well.
That’s all you have to do!
These times, during absolute breakdown, are where your greatest acceleration in healing takes place. But only if you meet the trauma in your body and do the inner work, rather than get dragged into your head and ‘stinking thinking’ about it.
These are golden breakdown/breakthrough times of HUGE power and healing!
The NARP Goal Setting Statement is: ‘By meeting my trauma as it arises, I burst free into the higher trajectories of my soul’s dreams.’
#6 You Drop the Need to Attach to a False Identity
Before narcissistic abuse, most of us were inner identified with labels and achievements. We may have believed we were only as good as the security we had, what we achieved, what our last pay cheque was, how we looked, what people thought of us – the list goes on and on and on.
After we are narcissistically abused, very often the things that our previous identity used to be reliant on are wiped out. Many of us have had so much stripped from us, including our security, resources and health.
This means that we are left with only one thing to turn towards and value – our soul.
From here you make the transition into living free from conditions, achievements and outcomes in order to be whole.
When our Identity is no longer reliant on what we have or become, and is generated on the state of our Inner Being without props, this changes everything. Because we finally go about the healing of our shattered feelings instead of trying to get something from the outside to try to fix them.
Once we achieve this, which NARP powerfully does, then the doing and getting become effortless because it is an expression of who we are already Being.
We also no longer do the clinging to people and things, because we know that everything other than the worth and wholeness of our own soul is transient.
This is the true personal freedom that many of us never glimpsed, let alone experienced, until going through Thriver Recovery from narcissistic abuse.
The NARP Goal Setting Statement is: ‘By valuing and healing my soul, I know Who I Am and create more of myself with freedom and joy.’
#7 You Have Made Yourself Your Greatest Mission
Many people try to ‘get’ to ‘be’ until we realise the Quantum Law of so within, so without. This is perfectly understandable. We simply didn’t realise that life is about becoming an integrated, functional whole Being and that once we realise this our life mission will unfold.
What we are seeking to be and do is seeking us just as much – but we have fractures and false beliefs and traumas in our way that are not allowing this Source to flow through us as us.
We may also have the mistaken belief that what Source/God/Creation wants us to do is not what we want to do. This is completely a false premise because this higher benevolent force is you, and once aligned with it you will be flourished and nourished beyond your wildest dreams. You will be living the only life that was truly going to gratify you – the life you were born to live – if you only get yourself out of the way.
I don’t know of any force more powerful for you to align with your True Self and True Life of gifts and aspirations than narcissistic abuse recovery– as myself and countless Thrivers in this community have done.
Virtually all of us before recovery were trying to find our missions out there in life, not realising they were inside us ready to flow out once our traumas were out of the way.
Our soul urge coupled with all of Creation is too big not to happen, once you clear your trauma and fill with the Light that is you and your mission.
The healing of your soul is your biggest and most important job – and all else comes from that.
The NARP Goal Setting Statement is: ‘By assigning me as my greatest mission, my true mission outflows from me effortlessly.’
I so hope this video has helped.
Okay, if you want to start getting aligned with these truths to boost and actualise your recovery beyond your wildest dreams, then I’d love to help you.
What should I make of the narcissist contacting me now after (insert the timeframe from days to years)?
Could all the things that he or she did start up again?
So, how do you know if a narcissist is finished with you?
Or really is this even the right question for us to be asking?
Handing Our Power Away
I think a very important point to understand is that the question of whether a narcissist is finished with you doesn’t just apply when a toxic relationship is finished. When you are going through narcissistic abuse, often or even daily, you may wonder whether or not the narcissist is ‘finished with you’.
Let me explain…
You wonder if they are ‘finished’ with that bout of making your head spin or if there will be any reprieve from the lies, confusing behaviour, accusations, smearing and projections.
We all went through this – the clinging on; the trying to appease or minimalise their behaviour by us doing something different or lecturing and prescribing to them to try to get them to see sense and decency in amongst their nastiness and insanity … so that finally we could feel loved, safe and sane.
A powerful Quantum Truth of Life is: the more we try to control someone else in order to feel loved, safe and sane, the more we end up out of control and controlled by them.
And, even after the narcissist’s discharge of us or our trying to stay away and uphold No Contact, we can still be hooked into believing our ability to feel whole, safe and sane rests on their behaviour.
This is an illusion – it doesn’t.
When we are focused on what someone else is or isn’t doing in order to have our own inner solidness and Life, this is for a very important reason. Emotionally within we have unhealed parts that have assigned someone else to be our ‘Source’ of something. We feel dependent. We hope this person will stop what they are doing and instead grant us what we don’t yet know we are capable of generating ourselves (regardless of what they do or don’t do) – namely love, approval, security and survival (or all four). These are deep inner hooks we may not be aware of, even in the case of having no love or longing left for this person at all, yet still being hooked in by the nasty things they are doing to us. Or maybe we carry such guilt and obligation from our earlier programming that we can’t let go of trying to fix and help this person.
Wondering if a narcissist is finished with you, is such a common trap to fall into. However, I promise you that when you learn how to take your power back and heal the Thriver Way, you will know that your life is not reliant on what other people are or aren’t doing.
Trauma Is the Fuel
How can you stop wondering whether a narcissist is finished with you?
The answer is this: accept that the trauma of everything you have suffered and are suffering provides the grandest opportunity to turn inwards to heal yourself.
When you adopt the greatest mission of your life – to become a whole source of love, approval, security and survival – you won’t keep wondering if a narcissist is finished with you; you will be too focused on resolving and developing your own inner power.
Our consciousness is an incredibly powerful entity – an interconnected wave function that Quantum Science now knows is directly affecting our outer realities. I have said the following often in my blogs, YouTube videos and even in every response I grant to people looking for help…
The greatest understanding for your liberation, healing, and resurrection after narcissistic abuse is the Quantum Law of so within, so without.
If you can embrace that you are so powerful and magnificent that you affect The Field directly with your emotional resonance, then you know that to change your life you need to change your emotional resonance.
The goal of your entire life is to BE everything at an emotional level that you seek. Then you will be the person who chooses and engages with healthy people and situations, and easily distinguishes and leaves alone who and what isn’t good for you.
That is what taking your power back REALLY means.
I believe at the core of our spirit we are already whole. It is just the human experience collectively, generationally and through unconscious parenting created a pressure cooker of emotional trauma that we absorbed. And this causes dysregulation to our beliefs and subconscious wiring.
Trauma, when released, allows us to reset back to our organic, already existing inner coded wholeness – the knowing of Who We Are and How to BE in The Field.
How do we release our trauma to BE this?
Neuroscientists have proven that you can’t think and talk your way out of inner trauma; that you need to take your attention off your outer experience and into your inner experience to address it. By doing so you are in contact with and activate the areas of the brain and nervous system necessary to resolve your trauma.
Another startling thing happens when we do this – we create an inner relationship that puts us back in the driving seat of being our own Source. It means that we are so much less co-dependent on people providing for us what, as healthy whole adults, we need to generate ourselves.
Even before anything shifts, we start to feel the love, security, solidness and peace that ‘all is well’ in ourselves and our life, which we had always been searching for just in all the wrong places.
The truth is, as adults no one can provide us with this. We can only be-come whole and healthy emotionally and then share a healthy and whole life with healthy and whole others. When we ‘be’ it then ‘comes’ – that’s what be-come really means.
When we understand the Quantum Law of so within, so without, there is no option other than to be-come whole in the means of self-love, worth, security and survival – otherwise we don’t get people turning up to take care of this wholeness, rather they turn up representing the evidence that we are not yet whole.
If you are still questioning if the narcissist has finished with you, then you have not yet turned inwards to know and partake in the truth – your only true mission is to clean up within and then all you seek can and will follow.
Painful Beliefs to Up-level
Many of you lovely NARPers have expressed how much you are getting from my sharing of certain beliefs that we can heal for big evolution results.
If you know that you are still handing power away to the narcissist, even just by still thinking about him or her, you may want to check these beliefs and see if they can be felt in your body – meaning that the traumas generating these beliefs still exist there.
This person can derail my life.
This person can affect me.
I am missing this person and I still feel like I need them or want them in my life.
I need to be on guard because I am scared of what may happen or what I may do if this person contacts me.
Please know these are all incredible normal obsessions that we have when we are in No Contact with a narcissist – but they don’t serve us. They keep us stuck in a holding pattern of trauma and the victimised peptide addictions coursing and multiplying through our cellular being.
We don’t get well and we can’t seem to go forward in our life.
I am solid in my body, truth and power, impervious to what others do or don’t do.
I am my True Self with no need to change anyone’s behaviour or opinion towards me. My power lies in what I believe, am and do.
I lovingly partner with and adore me eternally. Real love, power, and safety become my reality everywhere.
I accept and release my triggers, fill with Light and keep evolving into grander, more abundant and joyful trajectories.
If you are determined to shift yourself on the inside into this level of personal evolution – I want you to write below, ‘By healing me – my True Self, Life and Love be-comes real’.
In the first group of belief systems above the narcissist is still living on inside of you, insidiously controlling, limiting and defining your life.
In the second group you are taking your power back by becoming the internal shift that you want your outer world to reflect.
Now let’s get to where this is REALLY all leading to.
Have YOU Finished With the Narcissist?
I love this question for a variety of reasons – the main one being that this is the real question you need to get very interested in.
Being finished with the narcissist means we are in No Contact and we are purging this person psychically, mentally, emotionally and physically out of our Being. We do this by addressing all the traumas they have triggered within us, releasing them and living free of them.
Then what we discover is that our inner unconscious programs were hooking us to these people. All our unfinished trauma histories in our beings, including collective, generational, past life and childhood traumas, are released and reprogrammed as well.
What this literally means is that energetically and emotionally we are no longer a match for this person. We are finished with a narcissist when they no longer mean anything to us.
The incredible irony is that when there is no longer any energetic energy to extract from us mentally, emotionally or psychically, then they are finished with us too – because there is NO narcissistic supply available for their efforts.
People may think this is just a grey rock thing. It’s not – it must be on so much of a deeper level than grey rock. Quantum Science now knows that consciousness is connected through unseen wave functions. And this means that the narcissist is getting a feed from you even if you have had twenty years of No Contact but are still stuck in the trauma of what happened to you.
That’s why a TOTAL emotional, subconscious and cellular detox needs to take place.
When we get very dedicated to our cellular trauma detox, this transition can start to happen more powerfully and quickly than we could have ever believed. Some people literally achieve it in weeks, even after decades of repeat trauma.
I really hope this blog has helped put all of your wonderings about knowing for sure if a narcissist has finished with you into deep Quantum perspective for you.
I’d love to help you achieve vital emotional and energetic detoxing, so you couldn’t care less if a narcissist is finished with you, because you are claiming your True Self and True Life with both hands – regardless of what he or she tries to do.
You can do this by signing up to my free inner transformational resources, which grant you two free ebooks, my 16-day free course, and a free workshop where you learn how to release your trauma and live free from it.
I look forward to your comments and questions below.
So many people are terrified about dating again especially after being narcissistically abused.
But is there a way to navigate dating so that you will never be susceptible again?
Is it about ‘where’ to look for a potential mate?
I really don’t believe so – because our fears and wounds find us no matter where we are.
So … therefore what we really need to look at and understand is WHO you are Being whilst dating – the definite steps you need to make to call in a beloved whilst remaining completely Narc Proof!
My Personal Dating Plan For Weeding Out Narcissists - YouTube
I love this topic because I’m passionate about people understanding this information.
Many individuals have a huge aversion to purposefully dating – they literally despise spending time going out on dates and meeting potential partners. They may loathe wasting their time with the wrong people, as well as the effort and even the money spent when dating.
Shouldn’t the Universe just deliver your perfect partner to you?
Why date anyway?
I’m going to have so much fun answering these questions very soon!
And what about those of us who have been shredded to pieces by narcissists? Maybe we met these people whilst going out on dates.
Many of us have fallen into relationships with narcissists that nearly claimed our lives, so how can we date and not have that happen again?
That’s another question I can’t wait to answer!
So, stay watching because we are going to get into lots of juicy information today about how to date and align with a beloved, whilst safely weeding out narcissists along the way.
Okay, before we get started, I want to remind you that if you haven’t yet subscribed to my channel please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.
Is Internet Dating Dangerous?
Many narcissistic experts will tell you that Internet dating is dangerous … because people lie, misrepresent, and get all sorts of inside information on you to manipulate you, etc.
This amuses me because people we meet during normal day-to-day interactions can lie and misrepresent themselves too. Your next-door neighbour, who you have known for years, could be a compulsive liar and a total sociopath – yet you don’t know it.
Also, so what if people know what your likes and dislikes are and what you are looking for in a partner? This is not a threat if you are not too needy to be susceptible to being love-bombed and if you have healthy boundaries. Which means that you are ready and capable to confront things that feel uncomfortable and you are prepared to have any necessary difficult conversations.
When we get serious about taking responsibility for our life and being a healthy adult, we don’t connect with people at intimate levels before working out what their integrity and ethics are.
If you are a sensible, whole, together human being, then you won’t let a person into your home, bed and body before it’s healthy to do so.
You also won’t let a stranger come to your house or meet them somewhere that isn’t a public place. And you won’t capitulate to do any of these things, even on a second, third or beyond date, if you don’t feel comfortable to do so.
Regarding the arguments against internet dating – I believe it is the best opportunity to date for virtually everyone who is no longer in their 20’s.
When you are in your 30’s, 40’s and beyond, where are you going to meet easily the right potential partner? Do you have enough friends with single friends? Are you involved in enough clubs to give you a wide variety of choices? These are the questions you should be considering rather than letting in the first attractive person who turns up.
Are you going to try to meet someone at a nightclub?
There are wonderful people on internet dating and there are narcissists, just as there are both in every aspect of life.
People ask all the time, ‘Which site should I go on?’ If you are after a committed relationship, choose a site that is not about hook-ups. I would strongly suggest also joining one with paid membership, as that is a sign of a more genuine intent. But apart from that, your success comes down to the Quantum Truth – which has nothing to do with everyone else.
It is all about WHO YOU are Being.
There are people on the same sites having dreadful experiences and there are people on these sites having wonderful ones. None of this has anything to do with luck and other members on these sites – it is to do with consciousness and inner personal development.
How to Meet Future Narcissists and How to Avoid Them
Regardless of whether you are on an internet dating site, at a party or a friend’s gathering, or walking around a supermarket or a nightclub, living in fear of who you could meet and NOT being your authentic whole self is your biggest danger point.
We attract what we fear – no difference to someone swerving off the road and being focused on and going straight into a tree.
If we have our traumas and fears stuck inside us, then inevitably we will hide out and avoid potential relationships – which means they are eating us alive anyway. And if we try to find love, we risk someone coming in who matches these internal trapped traumas.
Ironically we will think this person is the saviour of our wounds; that they will take the pain away. But they end up smashing us so hard that there is no avoiding our stuck traumas – the disowned parts of ourselves that we were not previously dealing with and liberating ourselves from.
In matters of love, once we start embracing these fears and have a plan with how to deal with them to FULLY become our radiant power and authentic self, I promise you that narcissists will become repulsive to you. And as the strong, buoyant, self-loving boundary beast that you will be – a narcissist will run away and towards much easier prey.
There will be NO taking you down!
If you want to be this man or woman and if you are with me, write ‘Boundary beast here I come!’ below.
Okay, let’s get into the real meat of this…
Be Ruthless With Rejecting Your Old Pattern
The Field of ‘relationship’ at the Quantum Level brings to us the evidence of our Inner Love Code. So let me be really straight with you about this – if you are trying to look for a different person to have a different experience with, you are in Wrong Town.
YOU need to BE the different person who is now aligned with the Love Experience you seek. So how do you break out of your old Inner Love Code and into the new one you want to have? With self-investigation, complete self-honesty and a devotion to reprogramming your Love Code with diligent inner healing.
Most of us in this community have, or had, an Inner Love Code that doesn’t serve us, and it up to us to up-level from the Inner Code to much healthier realities. Let me explain…
My painful Inner Love Code was making me take part in love relationships with controlling, possessive, jealous men. I didn’t have rights; I didn’t have a voice; and heaven forbid if I chose my passions, freedom or self-expression.
I incessantly put up with being controlled and ‘owned’ like this, terribly.
Thank God I realised the pattern needed to stop – and I needed to be the women who no longer lived it. There were many inner beliefs and traumas I needed to shift so that I would no longer be derailed with guilt or fear by these men, thus handing over my independence and individuality.
I also realised that the men I dated had to have the emotional security to not only allow me to have my own life, interests and success, but also to encourage and support it.
I got very clear and had to do a lot of work on confronting, standing up and no longer tolerating – by leaving – if the old pattern emerged again. I am happy to say now I would not tolerate for ten seconds that behaviour, and it simply does not exist in any shape or form in my love-life today (and hasn’t for many years).
There are many different defunct Love Codes. Yours may be unavailable partners, and so there is no way you would tolerate the engulfing, interrogating twenty text messages a day I used to put up with, all the while telling myself ‘It’s because he loves and misses me so much’. Just as I wouldn’t put up with a man going missing for three days and tell myself ‘Oh he must just be busy.’
Back then, even though I was doing my Love Code extremely unhealthily, I was very clear on unavailable men. If one even looked like being that way I’d say, ‘This is not the kind of relationship I’m after. Are you interested or not? Because if you aren’t, don’t waste my time.’ I had zero tolerance and therefore barely ever came across unavailable people, and when I did I could end these relationship potentials easily.
The truth was I had ZERO attraction to these types.
Just as you may say to a controlling date, ‘Do not think I’m going to tolerate you breathing down my neck every minute of the day. You don’t own me!’ and walk away and never look back.
This is the deal – not only are we attracted to the people who represent our painful Love Code, we also unconsciously collude to keep them going.
I used to believe attached, possessive love meant I was adored and wouldn’t be left (I was terrified about abandonment), so I would make excuses for this behaviour and not lay strong boundaries to it out of the fear of being dumped for not complying.
You may tolerate unavailable partners, because a parent was unavailable and you are used to hanging in there waiting for crumbs of affection and attention. Therefore you will make excuses regarding ‘why’ this person doesn’t have the resources or the desire to commit to you.
Maybe you are distraught about how people who are only interested in sex present in your life, and yet when communicating with people you have an unconscious belief that you have to be sexually attractive enough to have a chance with them.
Maybe unconsciously you have been objectifying yourself, rather than being solid inside regarding your worth and value, and therefore commanding that a potential partner will want to spend time to get to know you rather than sexualise you.
This is the thing, when you get very serious about changing your previous painful Love Code you will go through major discomfort – because getting out of the Love Code takes effort. It takes confronting and healing the parts of ourselves that we may not want to own and be honest about.
I had to get super honest about my fears of abandonment, which were causing me to call in and tolerate engulfers. I had to fully go into that terror inside me, hold it, release it and heal myself beyond it. Otherwise, if I didn’t do this, it was always going to give me every excuse – our brain always makes up stories to justify the fulfilling of the Inner Love Code – to keep gravitating towards these people and hang on to them despite their abuse.
I can’t urge you enough to get serious about fully facing and owning what your painful Love Code is. Do you know what to heal within you to no longer partake in this Love Code? What type of potential partner do you need to say ‘No’ to now – just like an addict needs to give up the drug that has been destroying them? What work will you need to do on yourself so that you reprogram your Inner Love Code to be aligned and attracted to healthy people rather than the old painful pattern?
I promise you, if you do the inner work on your Love Code you will get there. I and so many others have achieved this. Personally, now I find engulfers completely off putting. I have zero attraction to them. Today I am so happy to report that I am with and attracted to a decent, caring man who allows ‘me to be me’.
If you would like to – how about sharing your revelations regarding your Inner Love Code below.
I’d love to hear about them!
Employ Gratitude and Growth from Your Previous Painful Relationships
I think it’s safe to say, all of us in this community have baggage. If we have been narcissistically abused, we have lots of experiences about having our souls and lives torn to shreds.
The question is: how are we dealing with this baggage?
Are we being a victim just ‘going’ through this trauma or are we determined to be a Thriver ‘growing’ through it?
The victim believes someone else has to take their pain away for them and grant them the love, approval, security and survival that they don’t feel they can grant themselves.
I used to feel like this too. It doesn’t work. Rather this is a recipe for ongoing relationships of abuse, victimisation and traumatisation.
It is no one else’s job to heal us – it is our own.
The Thriver accepts that their previous trauma exposed what was as yet not whole within. The Thriver has taken on their own inner development so as to not just escape abusers in the future, but also to up-level themselves to a place of self-love, self-worth and self-generative ability that they have never felt before being abused, even if abuse is all they have ever known.
There is no more positive way to grow beyond patterns of being in abusive and toxic relationships than employing gratitude and growth – because when you do this there is no longer a desire to have other people be a source to ‘self’. It means moving beyond being a damaged inner child in an adult’s body, unconsciously looking for a parent to heal you.
When we accept that we must do the inner work, we can grow up inside and then seek another healthy adult to share a healthy life with.
I really believe it is only this generation now that is waking up to understand that someone else doesn’t complete you. To be with a soul mate there is a necessity to mate your own soul first, otherwise, you will find yourself with yet another cell mate – a person who doesn’t heal your inner wounds for you, but rather grants you the evidence of them.
I promise you with all of my heart, one of the biggest inoculations you will ever have against narcissists whilst dating is to be anchored into your gratitude and growth from your previous experiences.
A narcissist is looking for your weaknesses, your unhealed wounds to hook you with.Victims are easy targets for narcissists, because they talk about what has hurt them in the past thus allowing the narcissists to pretend to be the saviour of it. Then, like a parched human in a desert finding an oasis, the victims are snared and in the narcissists’ clutches.
I promise you this used to happen to me too!
However, when you tell a narcissist that you are focused on self-actualisation, being grateful for you your self-awareness and growth and being committed to your evolution, you may as well be holding up garlic to a vampire.
Narcissists detest authenticity and healthy self-ownership and power.
They truly have to get away from it, because it is such a painful reminder of how they are powerless to affect you. Narcissists can only operate in your experience by using the energy of your wounds against you.
If you completely own them, are grateful for them and have them in hand, there is no way to get hooks into you.
Multiple Date with Real People
I truly mean this…
Think of dating like a sales funnel. You are putting yourself out there to more than one person so that there will be a level of interest expressed possibly by several. Then with each of these people, there is follow up qualifying to see if there is a match in order to connect further.
Ultimately the goal is for a real transaction to take place – in this case, the exclusivity commitment between you and one other person.
I know this sound ‘unromantic’. However, please know dating with multiple potential people can be so healthy and incredibly fulfilling. Imagine meeting lovely people – who you have qualified to have integrity and compatible values to you via emails and a phone call before meeting – and enjoying a glass of wine and a meal whilst conducting yourself like a lady or a gentleman getting to know people at a respectful pace.
It’s great fun! Instead of just hoping to be chosen, it brings you so much growth and development as you experience how you can lay boundaries, have difficult conversations if needing to speak up and ask questions, all the while knowing that you are ascertaining whether or not this person is suitable for you.
In the old days, when I was unhealed and not in my power at all, I was terrified of dating and my experiences with it were horrific. To stop going through such ‘horror‘ and potential ‘torture’, all I wanted to do was grab the first likely candidate. No way could I have contemplated multiple dating, let alone thoroughly enjoying it!
Since learning about myself and dating, and determinedly healing myself from my previous painful Love Code, I have loved dating respectfully. I was looking for a potential suitor with similar values, character and integrity, as well as someone who I was attracted to, to commit to a relationship with.
When I started multiple dating, my current partner showed up very quickly. I believe it was because I was completely clear regarding who I was looking for. Also, I believed in abundance and plenty and I was enjoying the dating process without requiring a set outcome.
Importantly, make sure you get out on a date quickly with someone you are in communication with. Don’t get sucked into a pseudo relationship that doesn’t exist. If someone doesn’t want to meet up, move on to someone who does. And don’t get bogged down with or disappointed by one person. If someone doesn’t work out – it’s not meant to be. Look at it as a chance you’ve been given to heal yet something else within you.
There are plenty more opportunities and blessings from The Field. In fact unlimited, if you keep being the person aligned with and generating your healthy truth.
I truly could go on so much more with this topic, and I can of course in answering your questions!
For those of us who have been narcissistically abused, let’s just go over this again – what I believe are the most important points.
• Do the inner work so that you are not leading with your wounds.
• Ensure you are very clear that from now you firmly say ‘no’ to partaking in your old painful Love Code pattern.
• Be grateful for your evolution and growth, rather than seeking someone to take the pain away.
• Don’t get stuck, disappointed or bogged down on one person.
• Know that you can be authentic and empowered and are no longer needy of instant hook-ups.
• Make sensible decisions regarding aligning with healthy people with integrity, people with whom you take your time to get to know.
Those of you who are NARPing, you have the perfect opportunity whilst dating to meet and release any triggers of fear within, to keep up-levelling and showing up more and more in your power.
This will generate the reality of a relationship with a beloved – someone healthily aligned with your True Self and True Life. Also you can receive guidance from myself and other successful Thriver daters in the NARP Forum to help you get there!
I so hope this video has helped.
If you know it’s time to get started on the realising and healing of your painful Inner Love Code, I can help you powerfully with your first step to generating a beloved mate – simply click this link.