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What is Family Mediation?

An impartial mediator helps couples agree all arrangements for separation – whether regarding children, property, finance or pensions.

Is Mediation compulsory?

No. Since April 2014 it’s compulsory (there are exemptions) to attend a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM) before making an application to court regarding family finances or child arrangements. There is no obligation to mediate thereafter, but many choose to do so after hearing about the benefits of mediation and the associated costs and potential delays at court.

I know my ex will refuse to attend a MIAM…

Mediation is voluntary and your ex can’t be forced to attend a MIAM or to mediate. However, clients who believe their ex won’t attend are often surprised when after speaking to a mediator, they agree to do so. Even if mediation does not proceed, our lawyer mediators provide considerable information at MIAM (including an info pack), and clients tell us this is very helpful. Mediators are trained listeners and clients benefit from feeling heard and understood. The process helps people to consider what they need to prioritise so they can positively move forward.

Do I choose between instructing a solicitor or a mediator?

No, a mediator can give you helpful legal information but they can’t advise you about what’s in your best interests as they must remain impartial. Your solicitor will advise you and is often a great support. Isn’t that double the expense? No, mediation works very well alongside legal advice. The advice often reduces the number of mediation sessions as you feel confident about what options and proposals you can agree to. Many clients like us to send a record of session to their solicitor so they are kept up to speed. In financial cases your solicitor will help make mediated proposals legal binding. Mediation and legal advice is a fraction of the cost of legal fees for litigation.

How can I make sure in a financial case that I get all the information I need about assets?

Our lawyer mediators are well accustomed to ensuring that the legal process of ‘disclosure’ is completed properly. They will help you understand your whole situation. The standard of disclosure is no less in mediation than court – plus you can ask each other questions face to face about any anomalies.

How will I know what the options are? 

Our lawyer mediators give first class legal information in a neutral way about complex cases involving pensions, businesses, companies, tax and similar issues. They will help you explore all available options.

What if my ex if more vocal or forceful in mediation?

Mediators are trained to cope with power imbalances. They ensure both of you are heard and the process is designed to maintain a safe environment and a fair balance between you, as well as ensure you both understand all the financial information.

Will I get the best deal possible or can that only be achieved in court? 

The best deal is really what suits you and your family. The mediator will help you generate and explore options. If you attend court you may find that any ‘win’ (which can never be guaranteed) is lost due to the   legal costs in securing it. The court aims to meet the needs of separated families and so there are rarely clear winners.

We have already started proceedings. Does that matter? 

Mediation is a useful aid to resolving disputes at any stage, whether before or after proceedings have started. Court proceedings are frequently resolved by agreement. Mediation is a great aid to that end.

How long does it take?

Each session lasts about 1 1/2 – 2 hours, and it usually takes between 1 and 5 sessions to resolve the issues. The number of sessions depends on the range of issues and the complexity of your affairs. The introductory session lasts about an hour.

Are proposals in mediation binding?

No, not in conventional family mediation, but you take the proposals to your solicitor for a binding Court Order or Separation Deed if that is needed in your case. Children’s arrangements don’t have to be made binding, but we could draw up a co-parenting plan, which you can sign if you wish.

In 1 Day Family Mediation, your solicitors are there at the end, not all day, to make your agreement binding.

Is the mediation process hard?

Yes, sometimes it can be difficult, but it is usually easier than the alternative of Court proceedings. Separation is painful, and sorting things out is not always easy, but it has to be done. It is a type of facilitated DIY divorce and separation.

Is it quick?

Mediation is usually as quick as clients want, with sessions arranged at weekly intervals if you wish or even in one long session if everyone is prepared (“1 Day Mediation”). However, it may take time to assemble the necessary information and sometimes you may benefit from a period of reflection between sessions. A mediated outcome will almost always be achieved before your case could proceed to a Court hearing.

Is mediation always appropriate?

Not always. Both parties have to want to take part in mediation – it is voluntary. Also, if there is heavy domestic violence, it may not be possible to mediate. The mediator will make a careful risk assessment.

I don’t want to meet my ex – do I have to?

We can offer shuttle mediation, with you in separate rooms, in appropriate cases. We would talk to you about the implications of this.

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (11 Locations – Milton Keynes, Bedford, Broxbourne, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford). Read more about family mediation (including our client testimonials) at  www.focus-mediation.co.uk 

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Mr Justice Holman said that Michael Parker and Barbara Cooke who are locked in a bitter and expensive court battle “Had lost touch with reality.” So far the costs of their financial proceedings over their divorce settlement were £2m from a total of £6.6m in assets, so nearly a third. The likely costs of their trial are estimated at a further £200,000.

“If there’s nothing left at the end there’s nothing left,” said the judge.

What is going on for couples like this who simply cannot agree a settlement and seem hell-bent on pressing on with litigation, the costs of which are completely disproportionate to the value of their assets? Let’s look at some possibilities based on experience of other such cases and listening to exchanges in some mediations, where people are trying to end runaway litigation:

  • Neither can back down; they feel they must ‘win’ and have the last word, win the last battle even if this means they both lose out.
  • They are stuck at the angry/furious stage of the grieving cycle; everyone has to work through this at some stage – litigation can keep you stuck there for some time.
  • Demonisation of each other and each other’s representatives; believing the other person’s position is ‘mad’, ‘unfair’ or that there are hidden assets to be discovered.
  • Temporary insanity; I’ve heard people refer to this – saying afterwards ‘I think I went a bit mad.‘
  • 75% of litigants think they will win – so a species of hope springs eternal.
  • The adversarial system itself – which bewails such costs and ticks off litigants – but does nothing to stop it, despite court rules saying that costs must be proportionate to value.

Sadly such cases are all too common in divorce and in general civil cases. What about:

  • The dispute between two neighbours about the costs of £4,000 worth of drain repairs in a garden – costs £300,000.
  • A case mediated successfully by a Focus mediator where previous litigation costs were about £64,000, over noise between two flats, where the cost of sound-proofing was only around £3,000.
  • Countless divorce cases where costs exceed the margin of difference between the parties by a considerable margin.
  • The £3m divorce where costs were £930,000.
  • Numerous cases Focus mediators have settled where costs have been say £20,000 or £40,000 and the case settles with no money changing hands or with a small payment.

And so it goes on. Our justice system is dysfunctional in that no one using it imagines this can happen. If people knew where they were going to end up they’d probably be much more focussed on mediation at an early stage to resolve their dispute. Which is the point really. Our mantra is ‘Stop the madness of runaway costs and mediate – it’s never too late for an outbreak of sanity.’

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (10 Locations – Milton Keynes, Bedford, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford). Read more about family mediation (including our client testimonials) at  www.focus-mediation.co.uk 

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  • Non – Binding Memorandum of Understanding in Family Mediation

Children agreements don’t have to be binding and because families change, such arrangements can always be changed in future to meet circumstances as they arise.

Financial agreements made in multi session family mediation are made without lawyers and are not binding under protocols and Codes of Practice established by the Family Mediation Council or FMC. A professional family mediator will have completed a portfolio of work and achieved the coveted Gold Standard Accreditation by the FMC –  FMCA. They will not endanger their registration or professional reputation by facilitating binding financial settlements for clients and are barred from drafting a binding Consent Order or Deed in connection with finances.

  • Binding Consent Order or Tomlin Order in Civil Mediation

At the end of a civil mediation clients or their lawyers draft a Binding Tomlin Order to conclude any civil court proceedings or a binding agreement if there is no litigation, and the mediator may help. Mediators who have completed the civil mediation training will be registered with the Civil Mediation Council (CMC) and work to a different Code of Practice and protocols from family mediators.  Under the CMC code it is expected that the outcomes of mediation will be binding. Lawyers often attend such mediations which typically take a day with clients signing a binding agreement on the day.

  • Hybrid Mediation

There is a cross-over area between family and civil mediation where great care must be taken. It is worth remembering there are reasons family mediation outcomes are not binding until after there has been an opportunity for reflection, legal advice and ‘cooling off.’ Couples are not always equal partnerships freely entering into agreements.  There may be abuse, issues of control, learned helplessness and violence. A civil mediator will not normally be trained to identify such matters and address power or information imbalances, which under their code is not their job. A family mediator, often from a family law background, will be accustomed to giving clients substantial neutral legal information. They may have couples who want a binding agreement in a day. They are well placed to assist with this up to a point, within the constraints and protocols of their mediation back-ground.  They may use their training as a family and a civil mediator, as they should be both. Then they are able to navigate both systems of mediation and differing codes of practice knowledgably and with confidence.

  • One Day Lawyer Assisted (Family) Mediation – Binding

Focus Mediation has developed this way of working, which essentially uses the civil mediation agreement but incorporates skills from family mediation too. It is vital to be clear about precisely how this works:

Similarities and Differences Family Mediation One Day Lawyer Assisted Family Mediation- civil style
Impartiality Yes Yes
Voluntary Yes Yes
Gives legal information Yes No as lawyers there
Confidentiality as against rest of world Yes Yes
Holding confidences between clients No all open and no secrets held save confidential address or contact details Yes can hold confidences so far as offers and options are concerned
Sharing of factual information e.g. open financial Must be shared Must be shared
Lawyers present No Yes
Timing Series of shorter sessions over weeks/months Usually one Day mediation after financial disclosure completed
You may start with family style mediation to complete financial disclosure or resolve children matters, then swap to ODLAM First Second, to complete mediation
Type of mediation Family mediator should be accredited by the Family Mediation Council – FMCA Civil mediator should be registered with Civil Mediation Council – CMC
Nature of Outcome Summarised in non-binding Memo of Understanding Set out in binding Consent Order or Deed drawn up by lawyers on the day
Sessions Usually in one room without lawyers or anyone else; can be apart Mostly if not entirely in separate rooms with mediator going between
Bring a friend Rarely Yes
Plenary Session – where parties and their lawyers meet and set out their positions and express intentions of good faith at the start of mediation No Yes – but optional not compulsory
Those present must have authority to settle Yes Yes
Able to end or avoid court proceedings Yes Yes

In summary, the resolution of disputes requires skill, training and experience. It is important to ensure mediators have the requisite skills and training and that the best method of mediating is used for any dispute, not just used because that is the way that mediator is trained, insured and able to work. It is helpful to use a mediator with a broad knowledge and experience of Family Law especially for a financial divorce case, which is why at Focus Mediation we only use lawyer mediators for family finance cases because they can help you better. For non-family disputes Focus Mediation has a range of mediators from a host of different professional backgrounds so we can offer appropriately qualified and experienced mediators for most situations where a dispute arises.

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (10 Locations – Milton Keynes, Bedford, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford). Read more about family mediation (including our client testimonials) at  www.focus-mediation.co.uk 

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Driving to work on my way to mediate with a separating couple, I heard a song playing on the radio by James TW called, ‘When you love someone’. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0Bf3CJZ4hvg. The song is about a child’s parents splitting up. The video is cinematic and well worth a watch (please follow the link). The parents talk to their son and tell him everything will be ok. James says he wrote the song after a young drummer he was teaching told him his parents were getting divorced. He said in a statement to Huffpost, “The first thing I thought was how are they going to explain it to him in a positive way and one where he would understand. I wanted there to be a song that he could listen to which would make him feel better about everything that was going on.”

The Lyrics;

Come home early after class

Don’t be hanging ’round the back of the schoolyard I’ve been called up by a teacher. She says she can’t even reach you ’cause you’re so far. You’ve been talking with your fist. We didn’t raise you up like this, now did we? There have been changes in this house. Things that you don’t know about in this family. It don’t make sense, but nevertheless. You gotta believe us, it’s all for the best It don’t make sense The way things go Son you should know

Chorus

Sometimes moms and dads fall out of love. Sometimes two homes are better than one. Some things you can’t tell your sister ’cause she’s still too young. Yeah you’ll understand When you love someone

There ain’t no one here to blame

Nothing’s going to change with your old friends. Your room will stay the same ‘Cause you’ll only be away on the weekends. It don’t make sense but nevertheless You gotta believe us, it’s all for the best It don’t make sense It don’t add up. We’ll always love you no matter what

Come home early after class

Don’t be hanging ’round the back of the schoolyard And if we’re crying on the couch Don’t let it freak you out. This has been so hard.

The video depicts a teenage boy’s parents having a number of heated arguments at the end of their marriage whilst he watches the marriage unravel. The boy doesn’t know how to handle his emotions and gets into trouble at school. Eventually he breaks down and cries and his mother comforts him. She then drives him to see his father and watches as his father hugs him and reassures him. The message is a positive one. The reality is that 1 in 2 marriages fail and inevitably many children will experience their parents breaking up. Sometimes it is better for parents to live in separate households, as they can then be happier individuals and better parents.

It’s vital that children aren’t drawn into any arguments, confided in or asked to take sides. They need to be shielded from any hostility. The best way parents can help children to feel safe and secure is to continue co-parenting their children. That’s not easy when parents may be feeling hurt, angry and scared. Mediation can help parents improve their communication, plan their futures and find some peace. Children need their parents to do this as soon as possible so they know that they will be ok and that both their parents will still be there for them.

At Focus Mediation, we have specially trained mediators who can talk directly with children so they can have a voice and this helps them to feel heard and understood. Call us today to take the first step towards a more settled future for your family.

Some useful resources for helping children during separation:

http://voicesinthemiddle.org.uk – a website for children whose parents are separating/ divorcing

http://www.resolution.org.uk/site_content_files/files/separation_and_divorce_helping_parents_to_help_children_2.pdf

http://www.partnershipforchildren.org.uk/resources/my-child-is-worried-about/divorce-separation/how-to-help-children-adapt.html

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (10 Locations – Milton Keynes, Bedford, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford). Read more about family mediation (including our client testimonials) at  www.focus-mediation.co.uk 

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Getting at the Truth

Family mediators help clients achieve full and frank financial disclosure when mediating financial settlements and it is the client’s responsibility to disclose fully and honestly.  Mediators are not obliged to examine the documents forensically; the agreement to mediate says so. Mostly this is not a problem, as the couple knows what their assets are. Sometimes issues arise as to the value of a business, shares in private unlisted companies, share options – a plethora of complex issues on which even family lawyers will bring in experts. Well, family mediators can bring in experts as well. If they either still are or were family lawyers, then they should know their way around all this comfortably. However, if someone is lying or failing to disclose all the assets, then mediation will have to stop until disclosure has been compelled, probably via court proceedings when the judge can order disclosure and then mediation may be re-commenced. If necessary some cases may go to trial in the hope that cross examination at trial will expose the truth. If a case settles with assets remaining hidden, then the settlement can be overturned.

Illusions, Misconceptions and Wishful Thinking – Challenging and Reality Testing

The first stage of any family financial mediation is to identify then value the assets. Only then can options for a deal be evaluated in the full financial context. Then the couple’s respective beliefs and feelings about who should have what overlay their approach to who should have what. They may believe one should have less because something or other was ‘their fault’ or that they should have more because the other wasted money drinking or gambling or because they must look after the children. People’s very understandable deeply held beliefs and feelings may or may not have any influence over the eventual outcome, however strongly felt. To move two implacable opponents from irreconcilable poles to a deal will take some effort. Yet it is what the mediator is tasked to do.

Necessarily therefore, some of a mediator’s main tools are extremely uncomfortable – even occasionally painful. Challenging and reality testing beliefs, arguments and options for settlement can fall into the ‘Ouch’ category, as does delivering unwelcome but essential legal information that a client may not want to hear. Some examples may help:

Mediator: ‘Ok Mrs X – I’m hearing you saying you will take over the mortgage if you have the house – but how can you release Mr X from the mortgage – the mortgage is over £300,000 and you are a part-time carer, surely it cannot be done? Where will Mr X live?’

Client A: ‘We’ve agreed whose having the pensions and whose having the children – she’s having the children and I’m having the pensions . . ‘

Mediator: ‘ . . but those issues are dealt with separately and the pension sharing issue is only looked at in the context of the overall assets, the children aren’t relevant to that.’

Client B ‘I know we are married – but I want a settlement based on co-habitation law, not divorce law.’

Mediator: ‘Well you’re either married or not and if you are married those are the laws that apply  . . .‘

OK – so here’s the nub of it – the more effective, knowledgeable and honest your mediator is, the more uncomfortable your mediation may be.  An effective mediator knows it is her task ‘to boldly go’ to the ravines you have been papering over – with a view to sorting them out properly. It’s no help if you let people pursue hopeless, impractical and unfair options for settlement, as they won’t work and it will fall apart after you have spent money on the mediation, which helps no one. So yes, it is the mediator’s job to help you reality-check your proposed settlement, to make sure it will work. Sometimes that busts illusions, but that was always going to happen and the sooner the better for all concerned, even if there is the odd ‘Ouch!’

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (10 Locations – Milton Keynes, Bedford, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford). Read more about family mediation (including our client testimonials) at  www.focus-mediation.co.uk 

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Focus Mediation blog | Divorce by Focusmediation - 3M ago

I had a dream last night – all my friends, yes every single one, were invited to a big party … but I wasn’t!  I was the only one who hadn’t got an invite – and worse than that it was taking place next door so I could both hear and see all the frivolity!  It felt rubbish – and I was relieved to wake up with the knowledge it wasn’t real and my Christmas party invites were still on the mantelpiece.  Phew!

Sounds silly perhaps (didn’t feel it!) – but we live now in a world of FOMO … Fear Of Missing Out!  Social Media creeps into the home at every opportunity if you let it – and in so doing brings our friends’ happy pictures, anecdotes, one liners, ‘likes’ and so on into our home – a world that’s typically having a great time. That’s cool when you’re high in spirit but not so good when you feel like you’re in the washing machine on fast spin!

F.O.M.O. + Relationship Breakdown

The breakdown of a relationship, whether recent or past, can rev that spin to top notch – the really mean thing is that not only are you having to deal with a huge bag of emotions (cue the grief cycle..) but you also suddenly have to put your financial head on and, if you have children, become a chameleon to hide the hurt you feel and protect them and their emotions – that’s hard….

…and then there’s FOMO – a new angle on it that you haven’t felt before – house/cash/pension/income – how are you going to manage? – What if you are ‘fleeced’? – Where do you start? – What if you MISS OUT?  The panic questions are endless.  Okay – let’s just call it ‘Fear’!

F.O.M.O. & our children

FOMO doesn’t just apply to you though.  Children feel all sorts of emotions when their parents separate including self-blame and a desire to make sure everyone is OK – they can become the proverbial ‘piggy in the middle’ no matter how hard you may try to stop it happening, as this may be their perception – they have their own fear of missing out.  You can help them deal with this through the forging of a ‘parental alliance’.  It’s not always easy for parents to do; but if parents are unified then that aids a solid foundation for their children’s new life.

Mediation is great at keeping communication alive and aiding transparency.  It brings out real feelings in a protected setting and helps to prevent distortion and slow down the spin.  Fears are brought to the surface as are needs and ‘wants’ – they can be discussed, balanced, questioned and addressed, so allowing you to move forward – whether in relation to finances, children or both.  In so doing you are increasingly moving away from that starting point of fear, FOMO.

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (10 Locations – Milton Keynes, Bedford, Hemel Hempstead, London , Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford). Read more about family mediation (including our client testimonials) at  www.focus-mediation.co.uk 


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If you stood in my place and I in yours,

The things we each want most would be so clear.

This quarrel would turn out to have no cause:

We’d learn and understand each other’s fears.

I wouldn’t need to crumple, sob and shake;

Embarrass you with symptoms of distress:

You’d understand the points I want to make;

You’d feel the hurt I struggle to express.

And I, in turn, would save you all the sweat

Of patiently explaining, yet again,

Why logically, you’re much the better bet

And have been since the wretched fight began.

Why don’t we simply swap our points of view?
Can’t you inhabit me? and I’ll try you.

Caroline Friend

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM). Read more about family mediation (including our client testimonials) at  www.focus-mediation.co.uk 


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When someone fully grieves the death of a relationship, they will heal. It’s a process that takes time. It’s then possible to move forward and relinquish any conflict that has overwhelmed them. They control the conflict rather than the conflict controlling them. Accepting that you can’t control someone but you can control how you respond to them, is both liberating and empowering.

Conflict can create positive change

Relational conflict can of course be destructive. However, it can also be a driving force that ends a relationship that doesn’t meet either parties’ needs. I know of a married couple who have not spoken a word to one another for 10 years! They are stuck in conflict. They have silenced the conflict but it still controls them and prevents them from living more meaningful lives.

Finances can trap couples in conflict

It can be very difficult for some separating couples (especially those with children) to move into separate homes before finances have been resolved. Funds may not stretch to paying an existing mortgage and renting a second home, or perhaps neither will agree to leave the family home. They are forced to live in a pressure cooker environment – tensions are constantly bubbling and communication is minimal and often negative.

Children and Conflict

I listen to children (with their parent’s consent) as part of my role as a mediator. A 10 year old girl told me the worst aspect of her parent’s separation under the same roof was that she worried her father wasn’t eating well. He was a poor cook and her mother had stopped making meals for him as ‘they hated each other.’ Family meals no longer included her father who ate microwave meals or takeaways. She would look at his empty chair at the table and try not to cry. Her parents were tearful when I fed this information back to them and it appeared to be a turning point in their conflict – their daughter’s feelings mattered more than their conflict. The conflict dissipated and they worked together in mediation to resolve finances and child arrangements. Imagine the same scenario and add litigation in to the mix – parents battling against one another in court and spending many thousands of pounds. How can that level of conflict not harm a child?

Reducing conflict

After parents separate, if the cycle of conflict continues then children will suffer emotional harm. It’s the conflict rather than the separation that causes them the most distress. Parents who try and convince themselves that their children are not suffering as they keep the conflict away from them, are often misleading themselves. Children are exceptionally perceptive and even if they don’t see conflict; they can feel it.

So how do people let go of their feelings of anger, frustration and resentment? How can they stop their ex from constantly occupying their thoughts?

  • Fake it until you make it. Always be polite and respectful to your ex and treat them as a polite stranger. Good behaviour is often mirrored and subsequently adopted.
  • Re-establish a new relationship by creating new boundaries. This will make you feel more secure – you may need help, as you can’t see from the inside what you are doing to perpetuate the problem. Agree not to discuss certain topics and respect each other’s space and privacy. This parenting alliance is critical for your children. If you love them enough you will work hard to succeed at this.
  • Remember you weren’t able to change your ex when you were together and so you won’t succeed now. However you can change how you respond. If you don’t respond with negative communication then the conflict cannot escalate – you can stop it by depriving it of air.
  • Ignore provocations – if you don’t rise to them they often stop. It takes two.
  • Pick your battles; don’t sweat the small stuff, the big picture is more important – and that means only holding your ground on important issues and always doing so in an adult way, rationally, & calmly – trying to engage the rational adult in the other person.
  • Always avoid eliciting an emotional response by saying something in an inflammatory way.
  • Stop trying to be right and trying to prove you are right. Don’t waste time trying to convince someone of something you can’t. Are you trying to make them see how stupid they are? Don’t! Focus on the actions not the person.
  • Don’t litigate unless you absolutely have to. It’s so tempting to take someone who has hurt you to court, you want to hurt them right? Make them comply? However, you may not get what you want and there are usually no winners in the courts. You may spend more than the value of your dispute if it is financial – not a good investment. Keep some control of your future. You wouldn’t delegate important family decisions to a stranger at any other time, so why now?
  • Consider therapy. Talking to a professional counsellor provides a sounding board and helps you process what has happened and move forward.
  • Listen more than you talk. Remember the old adage we have two ears and one mouth – try to understand the other person. Conflict is often born out of misunderstandings based on the wrong assumptions. No one is always right.
  • Remember mediation helps so many separating couples. Mediation is a safe space for difficult conversations. Without those conversations important decisions can’t be made and you remain stuck. Your mediator helps you focus on the problems that need to be resolved and you solve them. You can learn how to do this. They will have seen hundreds of couples in your situation and have a wealth of experience of helping couples build viable futures apart. Stand on their shoulders – and see over the horizon.

So if you are splitting up or have constant trouble with your ex – why not try mediation? You have nothing to lose except your problems. You can learn how to manage your post separation relationship (if you are to have one) better. What have you got to lose except a big head-ache and a lot of aggravation? What have you got to gain – settlement, closure, moving on to your separate futures apart.

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM). Read more about family mediation (including our client testimonials) at  www.focus-mediation.co.uk 


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Clients usually attend family mediation sessions face to face. They are asked to listen carefully to one another and to be open and honest. When people are in conflict their instinct is to fight and protect themselves or to flee; ‘the fight or flight response’ – click here for a short video explanation. When people feel they have to fight to protect something important to them, they become positional and compromise goes out of the window. They defend their position come what may – even when that stance is actually detrimental to them. Conflict often triggers defence mechanisms that are counter productive to resolution of dispute. This then denies people the opportunity to accept their separation and move forward in a positive way.

Mediators and magic wands

A mediator doesn’t have a magic wand – if only! We help conflicted people to stop dwelling on the past and to concentrate on their future. We enable them in turn to each express and listen to their needs and concerns. Conflict usually arises out of miscommunication or a lack of communication. When there’s no communication at all it’s easy to make incorrect assumptions. Understanding others and in turn being understood is a basic human need. The best way to understand someone is to listen to them. When conflicted people communicate, they often don’t feel safe enough to fully listen. Instead they may try to shout each other down or formulate a defensive reply. Mediators create a safe and neutral environment. It’s their role to make sure the communication is fair and balanced. If one person struggles to express themselves or doesn’t feel heard, the mediator will ask questions to help everyone in the room to better understand how that person is feeling. They will reflect back what they have heard or summarise to ensure they have fully understood.

A case study – a separated husband and wife

A client attended his first joint mediation session in full ‘fight or flight’ mode. He angrily told his wife that he would make sure she became penniless if she tried to take his children away from him. He said he would enter her home whenever he wanted to and see them and she couldn’t stop him. If she tried he would stop child and spousal maintenance – even if it resulted in a Judge sending him to prison. I was shocked and had not expected this. I meet clients separately prior to any joint session to understand their concerns and identify issues. When I met him he was very sad about the demise of his marriage. However, he told me that his wife was a good mother and he wanted to remain amicable for the sake of the children. I needed to find out what had happened between then and now.  He was clearly fighting to protect something sacred to him – his relationship with his children. I spoke to him alone. He said he hadn’t seen his children that weekend as agreed as his wife had said that they were unwell. He didn’t know if she was telling the truth. He had told her he would come to her home and spend the day with the children. She had said no and a huge argument ensued.

Before they could continue with the joint mediation session, he clearly needed sufficient time to calm down from his stress response to his fear of losing his children. He couldn’t listen to his wife when he was that anxious. I made him a hot drink and gave him the time he needed for his heart beat to regulate and his breathing to return to normal. I also acknowledged how painful it was for him to no longer live with his children.

When he re-entered the room with his wife he apologised to her. He felt calmer and I encouraged him to open up and tell her about his fears surrounding child arrangements. He was able to show genuine vulnerability instead of lashing out and making threats. His wife reassured him that she would never harm his relationship with the children and that she knew that the children needed him just as much as they needed her. She said she needed to establish new personal boundaries now they had separated and that she didn’t feel comfortable at this stage with his spending a whole day in her home. He said that when she didn’t let him come to her home, he began thinking about fathers who lose contact with their children and he began to panic. In the past he had always been there to comfort the children when they were ill. His wife was able to hear and appreciate how difficult it had been for him. He began to understand she needed her own space at home. They went on to make child arrangements that they were both comfortable with and which worked well for the children. If the conflict had been given more space to escalate then it would have undoubtly caused more harm to the parents and their children.

Why does mediation work?

So simply put – mediation is a safe space for people to drop their guard and open up to one another. It’s at times awkward, emotionally draining and it requires courage and commitment. However, it’s tried, tested and it works. Separated couples have often stopped listening to each other or trying to understand or be understood. Mediation helps people to understand each other better. Only when we begin to understand how someone else feels, can we begin to help them understand how we feel. Mediators separate the people from the problems. We help people to stop blaming one another and we enable them both to together focus on finding possible solutions that work for each of them. So despite the lack of magic wands in mediation, when mediation works (and it often does) the simplicity of clients understanding each other and feeling understood as a means of resolving conflict, actually feels rather magical.

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM). Read more about family mediation (including our client testimonials) at  www.focus-mediation.co.uk 


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Sometimes in life we suddenly see something and realise that until that moment we have not understood it at all. I had one of those moments when someone described the rollercoaster of grief – because that is what the pain of separation can feel like. This image describes the emotional journey people take through grief – starting with denial and shock, fear and confusion, through anger and blame, shame and anxiety to the depression and helplessness of the low point of it all. This is arguably the worst point, as there is sorrow without the distractions of blame and anger. It is a time of realisation and coming to terms with the new reality, even for someone who wanted the relationship to end, as there is still change and loss. It can be hard. What people don’t always realise when they are in this dark place is that there are more stages to come on their journey. The stage of dialogue and bargaining eventually arrive and then acceptance and a plan for a new future. They can and will go on; they will have a life to live and a future.

In summary, when couples separate they – and indeed their children – experience grief, as they are living through loss. This is best described as a rollercoaster of emotions and the traditional processes that have evolved through the decades to ‘help’ couples resolve their differences are wholly unsuited to actually resolving anything. This is because they are adversarial and tend to promote discord and holding on to extreme positions. Court proceedings may feel deeply attractive to the angry blaming person, as they offer an apparently legitimate outlet for their fury. By contrast mediation is an opportunity to listen, to try and understand each other, be mutually respectful and compromise. If you’re mad as fire, this will be unappealing. I’ve lost count of the number of clients when hearing about mediation and what it can achieve, say firmly: ‘Well that won’t work. My ex is very unreasonable. There’s no point in even trying to sort it out.’

But here’s the thing, no one ever said to me that they wouldn’t mediate because they were unreasonable. And here’s another thought – people do arrive at the stage of being ready to bargain and talk. They will want to sort it out and move on. It happens. It may be in the middle of court proceedings, it may be some other time, but when you get to that point, suddenly all the fighting and messing about seems utterly pointless, a complete waste of time and money. That is a great time to mediate, because mediation is fast and effective and you will get where you need to be surprisingly quickly. Everything can be sorted out, agreed and put behind you, you can move on from the conflict of the past and through dialogue and bargaining to acceptance and to a new and brighter future. You will have come up the other side of the rollercoaster and will be able to look back with relief on the journey you have accomplished – and be glad it is behind you. Nothing is so focused on getting you both to that point as mediation. Think about it.

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM). Read more about family mediation (including our client testimonials) at  www.focus-mediation.co.uk 


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