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My blended lifestyle by Myblendedlifestyle - 5M ago

How come nobody told me that losing a loved one to the system feels like there is a death in the family? The bond that i have with my child’s father is one that can never be broken. When it comes to our daughter he never misses a beat. He’s way more than just a weekend dad…

The beginning started out a little rocky because there were still feelings involved. This made it hard to co-parent but once we got passed all of that and GREW UP everything was smooth sailing. I feel pretty comfortable saying my daughter is a daddy’s girl. I used to feel like I was in second place because she was so close to him but I’m actually winning. The relationship between a father and his daughter is her first example of how she should be treated by a man.

Since his arrest I have had a range of emotions. My first reaction to getting the news that he would spend the next 25 yrs behind bars was SHOCK. Shock instantly faded away and my daughters feelings became my ONLY concern. I have to be strong for her right? Should I even tell her? How would I start this conversation? There’s no right way to say this kind of stuff but to just simply say it.

Children are so forgiving and have the purest hearts. Her first reaction was to go into protect and forgive mode. “Mama he made a mistake and should be forgiven for that”…Every night her prayers are for God to work out a miracle for her dad to get out and she prays that he has peaceful sleep every night…Throughout this whole process my daughter has checked on me and she has just been there! She said to me “Mama I know my daddy is your friend and I just want to make sure you’re ok too”. MELTED MY HEART…

She doesn’t see the tears that I shed but she feels them. She can’t read my thoughts but when I’m having one of those days she will randomly come talk about things her dad has taught her. The connection is WILD!!

She’s so much stronger than I imagined she would be. One day she will know that her strength introduced me to a stronger me.

If you have someone that is incarcerated, don’t forget about them. You don’t know how much impact a simple letter can have. Yes, everyone has to pay their debt but they don’t have to be written off.

-P-

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I don’t like to use the word “step” but for the sake of this post I will. The dreaded “stepmom” has been tied to bad experiences from children everywhere who have been mistreated by immature women. I just wanna take a second to enlighten all the bio moms out there….

1. We don’t care if you drill it in your kids head that they only have ONE mother, and that they are never to call us “mom”. That’s a given. (Brutal honesty coming) We love your children because they come as a package deal with the man and it’s our responsibility to make the child feel loved and appreciated BUT we are not going to cry if we are never called mom by your kid(we have plenty of kids calling us mom already. I promise you we aren’t hurt by your stupidity). We will still love and treat the kids all the same but that word doesn’t break us.

2. We are not going to give your kids any special treatment over the kids that are already in the house. They gotta fall in line…I’m fair all the way around. If my child can get that ass whooped so can your kid. Period. If I’m good enough to buy clothes and give out my love then I should be qualified to discipline…(it’s all love either way)

3. Please send the kid over with decent clothes, if not, don’t get mad when we keep the clothes we buy at our house! Once again I’m fair all the way around. If I take pride in my kids appearance when we step out then your child will be treated the same way. Whether you like it or not when they are with the “stepmom” they are a reflection of US.

4. Be mindful of your conversations in front of the kids because they repeat everything you say. They repeat it to the kids that you tell them are not their “real” siblings and those kids come tell us.

5. Lastly, we are going to be co-parenting for a looooong time so get over yourself and let’s make this journey a smooth one. K?

With love

-P-

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One thing that I have learned in my whole 3 months of marriage(Yes I’m counting) is that we can write our future exactly the way we want to. If we want to take bits and pieces of advice and sprinkle it on our beautiful love story we can….IF WE WANT TO! Here’s the thing, before we decided to get married we had deeeep conversations about how sacred marriage was and how important it was that we take these vows serious by our actions. We both learned a few things while we were engaged. One thing was that we had two different definitions of what marriage was, but this is because we grew up two totally different ways.  We didn’t make each other feel like the other persons image was wrong tho. We talked about the things that we witnessed between our parents. We talked about how they resolved conflict and how they disciplined us.

Although we were raised differently and we have two different outlooks in life we came together and agreed that we would do this the way we wanted. Whatever works for us is what we will go with.

3 months down and a lifetime to go..

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My blended lifestyle by Myblendedlifestyle - 10M ago

I am always all over the place when it comes to blogging. I am still trying to figure things out! For tonights post I decided to let my daughter Rhileey take over! She is totally obsessed with animals and is ALWAYS (like 600 times a day) randomly giving me animal facts. She had to research 5 facts about the Tasmanian devil(I thought it was just on the cartoon but she schooled me)I am going to let her word it exactly how she wants to and I’m even going to let her type it out!! …So everybody meet Rhileey!!

hi I’m rhileey! my favorite show to watch is Wild Kratts on PBS  …. today I’m going to be teaching you about the Tasmanian devil. these furry little creatures like to hunt, sleep, and play together. I am going to tell you 5 things you may not know about these unique creatures.

  1. they dig up bones to feed on the marrow. they are scavengers they prefer to eat animals that are already dead.
  2. they live on a large island  south of Australia named Tasmania.
  3. they have black fur but in looney toons it has brown fur.
  4. when they feel threatened they hiss and show their teeth.
  5. a Tasmanian devil mother is pregnant for 21 days.

Well there you have it folks! 5 things you you may have not known, or maybe you didnt even care to know about Tasmanian devils! LOL! Either way, Rhileey gave em to you….

Until next time

-P-

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Before I dig into what I think marriage is, I just want to apologize for the hiatus! I haven’t blogged in awhile because I was super scared that the content I was putting out was something I only cared about. Nowadays people don’t really care about what you have going on personally, they want to be entertained and or read something that can give them an instant feel good fix. I had to reevaluate some things and remind myself who I was…SO HEEEEEY YALL!! She’s back….

Ok so lets get into it. I know I have only been married for a few months but I have been doing a great deal of reading and thinking. We hear people talk about the beautiful part of marriage, but the ugly parts sometimes get lost. I jotted down a few things that I have experienced so far (I’m no marriage expert but this is my personal opinion on my marriage). Over the next few weeks I am going to break down(in my opinion) 2 or 3 “Marriage Is” phrases. And if you think I’m wrong or I haven’t been informed please don’t hesitate to let me know because I am still learning and I’m open!!… Here are the first 2.

  1. Marriage is unpredictable: Each day is different for me. Some days I wake up and I’m so head over heels in love and everything is cotton candy and rainbows. The birds are doing their good singing on these days, kids are like little angels, my husband wakes up and all of the shoes he left in the middle of the floor are put away neatly in the closet, we already have dinner planned out, I mean y’all the day is just flawless….Most of my days are like that, but oh when it rains….HELP ME! Some days we both wake up on the wrong side of the bed. I’m cranky, laundry isn’t done, Ace is working on all my nerves, the kids are arguing about STUPID stuff, and I’m in full out panic mode. This is a bit of an issue for a control freak. Being a control freak in a marriage is something I may as well hang up. I wanna know, when its happening, how its happening, why its happening, and I need all of those answers before I can proceed with ANYTHING. Ace is more than patient with me, but some days he is like MA’AM would you calm down and shut UP! “You can not control everything that happens.” Each day is different. One week we have our whole future planned out and we take the necessary steps to make sure we reach that goal then BOOM…the car breaks down then ALL of the bills come out of the account all at once and the account is in the negative.(HOW SWAY)..I have heard people say that communication is KEY and y’all are so right. I think we are on the right track because we try to talk about any and everything even if it is uncomfortable. We have our days where we are 100 percent about our trust for one another and we are in Lala land then BOOM… My insecurities kick in.(we all have them) I try sooooo hard not to let my emotions get the best of me, but this is a learning process and I am human. It’s more me than Ace though. He is pretty cool when it comes to a lot of things but I will pop all the way off and have to come back and apologize for overreacting. (I blame eve because it only gets bad once a month).

2. Marriage is unconditional love: I was watching a movie and my baby girl walked in the room and heard someone on the T.V say unconditional love. She looked at me with a puzzled look and I could tell her little mind was racing. Before she could even ask I already thought about my answer. She said “Mama I think I love this boy in my class”. She said I love him with unconditional love(I was thinking to myself girl you don’t even know what love is) So I asked her “Would you still love him if he had boogers in his nose?” “EWWWWWWW mama NO”…I cracked up laughing and told her that she couldn’t possibly love him unconditionally then. Although I am a newlywed, I fully understand what unconditional love means. Not only loving your spouse when they are at their best spiritually, physically and emotionally, but loving them when they are at their lowest point. Loving them with all or their insecurities and baggage. For me we are loving each other through these things, because although we have these issues and accept each other for who we are, we still have to grow.

3 months down and a lifetime to go…..

-P-

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In our house we have a ask any question policy. Keep calm, I have only had the sex talk with my 15 yr old. The little girls have asked what it was but I QUICKLY informed them that it is an adult activity that we will discuss in a few years. My daughters are very candid in their conversations and most of it comes from them being inquisitive. If they have a question about anything they can come to me and if I feel like the answer to the question is age appropriate then I will give it to them straight forward. If it is something that they don’t need to know about at this age, I don’t make up a ridiculous lie like the stork dropped you off, I will just simply tell them that they are too young to know the answer to that and it is something we will discuss when they are a little older. They asked hundreds of questions DAILY. If my 15 year old isn’t asking what celibacy is, my 7 year old is asking “what is a bastard”?. My 8 year old asked me the other day what a lesbian is, and I sat her down and explained it to her. In my opinion, if they don’t get the explanations and answers from me they will hear it from someone else or see it somewhere so there is no need to make up little lies.

The girls are getting older and I am noticing that they are staring to bicker and argue A LOT and its driving me crazy. Each one of them are different and very independent son have to treat them according to their personality. I haven’t always been the best at expressing how I feel with words because I usually react emotionally and I see it in them.   Instead of putting words in place of feelings they yell at each other, or bang on the table when they are frustrated, and instead of telling each other how they feel they just explode. At first I was discouraged because I have been being a poor example in the communication department. BUT, No need to beat myself up tho because its never too late to make a change. Instead of me coming in to fuss at them for fussing at each other I am making them sit down and have real conversations with one another. See below for the HILARIOUS conversation between the two baby girls: (I asked them to express themselves using words and to tell each other what upsets them and how they can make it better)

Kennedy: “Rhileey, it hurts my feelings when you dry snitch on me”. “Also, when you don’t pick up your clothes from the floor”. I would appreciate it if you didn’t try to dry snitch just to get me in trouble. And to keep our space clean, please pick up your clothes”

Rhileey: “Kennedy, it makes me upset when you ask me stupid questions”. (I interject and tell her that there are no stupid questions, and that kennedy could very well not know) “Ok well kennedy, it hurts my feelings when you always yell at me and make fun of me.”

Kennedy: “I am sorry, I just be playing with you and you get sensitive.” (I step in and say maybe when a joke goes too far you can simply say ok I’m done playing so it doesn’t turn into a yelling match because y’all work on all my nerves when y’all are doing all that hollering) “Rhileey I will try to work on being a better big sister, and I won’t meddle you all the time, just sometimes.”

Rhileey: “Thank you sissy, and I won’t leave my clothes in the floor anymore, and I will control my anger and calm myself down.”

It may seem like simple words to most of you reading this, but this is the first time I have actually heard my daughters express their feelings to each other using words. There was quite a bit of shade in there (LOL), but hey we are baby stepping this thang. If I don’t teach them anything else, I want them to respect each other and communicate properly using their words instead of emotions. I also have to keep in mind that they are still children so they won’t always get it right. Fussing and whooping don’t work all the time. Teach them to communicate.

I have been a mom for almost 11 years, but I am still learning from them every single day. Some days I am a great example for them and then there are days where I don’t win the mom of the year award. As a mom if someone is picking on your child you automatically go into mama bear mode, and I am guilty of this. Two of my daughters recently had to get glasses, because like their mom, they are blind as bats. Aren’t they cute?!?!?

I teach the girls to ignore people if they are just talking because their words don’t mean anything. Eventually the kid will just be talking the air and he will look like a crazy person. I teach them to ignore ignorance and not let people make them react. With that being said, I know that most of the schools have a strict not fighting policy, BUT if someone hits them or even comes into their personal space I have instructed them to defend themselves. Period.  That works for 2 of the girls, but them other two…Words are triggers. My middle girl went to school with her glasses the first day and she came home so sad…She said mama a group of girls talked about me the whole time we were at recess. I asked her what they said and she said there was this one girl that was the ring leader. She brought all the attention to my daughter so that they other girls could make fun of her. Now, kennedy is usually a strong outspoken girl, but this particular day she was a in tears about this. This made me so mad because I wasn’t used to this from her. I was HOT. So hot that I told her the next time those lil girls said anything to her to stick her middle finger up at them. She looked at me with this confused look, she was like mama you told me what that finger means before sooooo….I can stick it up now?? I said cuss they asses smooth OUT!! Now, before you side eye me let me explain how I had to check myself and clean that up real quick. (I’m not afraid to say I screwed up as a parent, and y’all I let my anger screw this one up) What was I teaching her? She normally gets the most positive advice from her mom and now I was telling her to go to school and curse. Shame on me, but hey thats my truth. Not even 10 seconds after I basically told my 8 year old to go to school and cuss some lil 2nd graders out, I told her that I was just really upset because I don’t like to see her sad. I told her that sticking her middle finger up and cursing was not the way to go. Next time the girls have something smart to say just ignore them. And if they keep going, go tell a teacher and if the teacher can’t resolve it then we will go from there. I was tested again VERY quickly when my 15 year old got into a fight at school and LORD!! I was like what is happening. As mad as I was, I made sure that I didn’t say anything that I would have to take back later. I made sure she was ok and told her to stay far away from the girl she had a fight with. Failed one test, but passed one too…Just take it day by day and situation by situation.

God has truly blessed me with some AMAZING daughters. I let them know how blessed I am to be their mother and how much better my life is because they are in it! Just those simple affirmations go a long way with children. They won’t remember the toys, candy and ice cream, but if you build up their confidence and let them know how much they mean to you that will go a loooong way. And I’m not just saying that, my daughters have expressed these things to me. Talk to your children, and I promise you they will tell you exactly what they need from you!!

-P-

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There are so many things that can disturb your peace. When I started this article I had a long list of the things that have disturbed my peace of mind, but as soon as I started writing them something in me said “Do not type another word”. By speaking these things into the atmosphere, like I have done sooo many times, I am only giving them more life. Every season in your life seems to bring more criticism and the moment you think you have taken strides forward someone says something to set you back. NOT THIS TIME! You are responsible for what you allow in your space. You control your own emotions and how dare you give another flawed human being that much power over you. I know we have all done some sort of detox for health and nutrition but have you done an emotional detox? Anything that is poisoning your mental state has to go TODAY!

As I start this new marriage journey I have been TRIED y’all. I know that everyone said it would be work but I didn’t expect it to start this soon. There have been financial curve balls, baby mama drama, and 4 days after the wedding there was  huge argument with my family about the way we did certain things at our wedding. I won’t lie to y’all, it ALMOST discouraged me because I was like DANG..Nothing I do is good enough. Then I stopped myself….GIRL, you are no where near the person you used to be and the mistakes you made in the past need to be left there. Don’t you dare get down on yourself ESPECIALLY when all that energy needs to be put into building this new life with your husband and now 6 children!!! God is my first priority then my husband and children. Everything and everybody else can fall where they may.

These are the things that I have been doing to detox my space:

  1. Pray…. A WHOLE LOT! There are a million things you can google on how to clear your mind and space of toxic things and people but prayer is a MUST. I feel like prayer mixed with a couple of daily routines will at least get me to the starting line and I can manage from there.
  2. Listen to motivational speeches. At first I started finding videos on youtube. I would start on one video then 2 hours in I have listened to about 10 speeches and I walk away motivated.
  3. Turn down any conversations that you think will end negatively. Even if you hear someone talking about something and it is burning you to interject, don’t.
  4. When your buttons are pushed just shut up. Silence is golden. This is a HARD one for me because boy do I have a mouth and an attitude BUT I’m working on it and these steps will most def have me whipped into shape in no time.
  5. Find a daily activity that is geared towards clearing your mind. Even if it is just taking 10 minutes out of your day to look at something funny, or draw, knit, hell just something that will take your mind off of the stress of the day. (Youtube also has some great breathing and meditation videos) This was my first time riding a horse and although I was terrified, there was something serene about it. Maybe horse back riding is something I should look into as a part of my emotional detox. Just gotta buy a house with some land and horses. LOL..Until then Mav and Tiff’s house will have to do…..
  6. Finally, surround yourself with positive people. If you are always around people that speak negatively and they just get a kick out of always complaining that will rub off on you. This is something I talk to my kids about all the time.

Different things work for different people so if you see some things up there that don’t work for you, thats ok! As long as you find something that will help you move forward then you are on the right track.

-P-

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My blended lifestyle by Myblendedlifestyle - 1y ago

It’s been a few weeks since I have blogged, but there is a reason. I have been taking this time to prep for the wedding. I have also been mentally preparing myself for the marriage. We took premarital counseling, we addressed any issues we had with one another immediately, and most importantly we prayed together. I know a lot of people say this but I believe this is what helped us through the sticky parts during our engagement. There is just something about good old fashioned pencil and paper. I love my computer but journaling takes me to another place.  I purchased a journal and I have been writing every feeling and emotion down. Most of the days leading up to this point have been filled with lots of excitement, anxiety, phone calls, and prayer. The journey from “Will you marry me” to “I do” has been a TRYING one. I feel like we have already been through the beginning rough patch that everyone has warned us about.

3 things that I have learned during this process:

  1. If you are engaged and are planning a wedding, KEEP IT SIMPLE! Don’t spend a lot of money trying to impress your guests and don’t make unnecessary purchases. This is just one day and you have to live after this day so keep it simple.
  2. Somebody will be unhappy. There is no way around this. Either you will forget to invite someone or you just simply don’t want to invite certain people. The wedding details will not be the only thing to stress you out during this time. From the beginning to the end you will have disagreements with family members, friends who wanna invite extra people, and vendors who make all types of last minute requests.  Do what you and your spouse are pleased with! It is your wedding and you don’t have to answer to anyone about the things you all decide on.
  3. Finally, make sure to stop and live in the moment. All of the details of the wedding will make you miss the little things that really matter.

The “big” day for me started out so perfect. My sister and cousin came to stay the night with me because I kicked ace out for the night. I thought I wanted the night before to just be alone but once they came I realized that this is what I needed. I needed laughs and just some good conversation. We all put on pajamas and rode to Taco Cabana, came back to my house and watched Law abiding citizen!! (We are so lame but it felt so good to just chill) A lot of Ace’s family and friends flew in town a day early so they had plenty to do to keep him occupied. We woke up the next morning and in true Porcia fashion I realized I forgot to pick up a few things so we went to the mall. Before we got out of the car I gave us a time limit of ONE HOUR to run in and get what we needed. We left the mall, stopped by chic fil a, because the kids had to eat, and we headed back to the house! (Mall selfies below) 

I had everything packed and together already so we just had to load the cars up with suitcases and the kids so we could head to the venue. I made sure the kids ate, packed their iPad and phone chargers to keep them occupied during the hair and makeup process, and locked the house up and headed out.  Now as you can tell in the photo above the sun was shining and there were clear blue skies everywhere. 

The bridal suite was magical. I mean every girls dream. There were mirrors EVERYWHERE. I walked in to see my sister-in-law steaming the bridesmaids robes and a couple of my bridesmaids already getting their makeup done. My sisters were trying to keep me occupied because I couldn’t sit still. My initial thought was for the bridal suite to be peaceful and quiet because I needed to “focus” and reflect and I didn’t want there to be any chaos. I would have went CRAZY sitting in that room all by myself. We had music playing, the kids were running around playing, and we had people in and out. I made sure I looked at everything taking place in the room while I was getting all dolled up. I wanted to live in those moments.  I looked in one corner and my daughter was painting my grandmas nailsThen I looked around and she was brushing my moms hairMe, Tia and Tiffany somehow ended up getting hair and makeup done at the same time. Tia was trying to keep me from going downstairs to look at all of the decorations and Tiffany was forcing me to eat. I didn’t really have an appetite but that didn’t stop her from ordering me a quesadilla. (Tiffany was serving face hunni. LOL)

Karla Langs, who is also my moms stylist, SLAYED my hair for this special day, Toya Fennel, and Krystal Gentry were the makeup artists.  I also have to plug Missy’s Hair boutique for providing the BEST quality hair and Buddha the Lace Connoisseur for making my first time wearing a lace frontal the best experience ever. 

As the day went on I noticed more and more clouds rolling in and the sun was totally covered. I was so bummed about the weather because the ceremony was supposed to take place outside and then everyone would come inside for the reception. My mom finally came into the bridal suite and asked me if I wanted to go ahead and move everything inside because the rain was coming in. I checked the weather app on my phone and saw that it was a 90 percent chance so I just asked her to move everything inside. All of the moving was taking place as I was finishing my makeup, seconds before I put on my dress. I almost started crying but then I had to tell myself that it wasn’t about the weather or the decorations. I was getting ready to marry my soulmate.

My dad was the first person to see me before I got ready to walk down the aisle. I stood at the top of the stairs anxious because they were taking to long to start. Had the rain stopped? Did they get everything moved inside? I couldn’t wait any longer….My dad asked me if I was ready, we snapped a few photos and he helped me down the stairs. 

The feeling I had just before those doors opened is one that I can’t put into words but I will try. I thanked God for allowing me the honor to be someones wife and I asked him to guide me the whole way.  With each step I took I imagined myself stepping over every bad decision, every guy who ever made me feel like I wasn’t good enough, every person in my life who held my past against me, and every tear I shed. I walked alllllllll the way past my past!  I looked up about halfway down the aisle to find Ace’s eyes. I didn’t expect to see him crying because thats not what he does. I looked up and saw him and his groomsman smiling from ear to ear.

Once we made it down his exact words were “look at you looking all good and stuff”. LOL! At first I was like babe FOCUS!! But this is the person I fell in love with. My tears turned into laughter and we had our own moment.  Ace, his family and friends are very unorthodox. They have a CRAZY sense of humor, but the main thing I loved about their presence at the wedding was the genuine love they had for us. All that mattered to them was how I treated him. They have a saying “dance with those who dance back”…At first I was like what the heck are y’all talking about?? But the more I started to think about it the more it made sense. They didn’t care who was looking or who did what..They danced ALL NIGHT long!  He was more excited than nervous because he said I have been his wife all along. The thing about Ace is that he has his serious moments before things happen. He was so excited that he kept cutting the pastor off (only Ace). We got through our vows. Of course I cried. The thing that I held on to from his vows was “I got you”. Someone has me. I am someones number 1. That is something I have NEVER been before and it is a wonderful feeling to love someone and be loved back equally…. I am his WIFE!!

Due to the weather the coordinators had to flip the room around to get ready for the ceremony in the midst the wedding party taking pictures. My mom found these sweet and thoughtful ladies to put together all of the decor and MAN. I didn’t get very many pictures with my mom because she was a busy bee from the beginning of the day all the way until the last song was played.  Once I finally stopped and took a look around, the room was beautiful. (The sweetheart table is pictured below)There were roses EVERYWHERE. Everyone kept saying how pretty everything was and this pictures does it no justice. Glamorize IT is the name of the company that is owned by this mother and daughter and they..

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8 years ago I developed a habit that I can’t break. My addiction to cornstarch started when I was pregnant with my 2nd child. I didn’t just walk into the store and go down the baking isle and pick up a box of cornstarch though. My favorite scent is baby powder. I loved the scent so much that I started eating baby powder because sniffing the bottle just wasn’t doing it for me anymore. Along with eating baby powder I would eat packs of tropical punch Kool-aid…(WEIRD) After doing this for a month or so I started to feel sick because of all of the stuff that was in baby powder. I stopped eating the baby powder and just stuck to the Kool-aid packs, but something was missing. I needed another powdery substance. Flour was to lumpy and tasted weird, so the thing next to it was CORNSTARCH!! Y’all, this is one of the hardest things to shake. When my family found out I was eating it they would pour liquids into my bowl or pour the whole bowl in the trash. I started hiding my starch when they would come over and when I went to their houses I would hide the starch in the car. Fast forward to today….THIS IS STILL MY LIFE

When we travel I sneak to the store and buy everything I need to cook up a batch of starch. Yes, I said COOK. When I first started eating the starch I could just put 4 packs of tropical punch kool-aid in the box and eat it straight out of the box. NOW there is a whole production that happens before I eat it. Ok, so my supplies are a plastic bowl, a plastic spoon, 8 packs of tropical punch Kool-aid, 4 brown paper bags and of course A BOX OF CORNSTARCH! I pour the starch and the Kool-aid into the bowl, shake it up, pour the mixture into the brown paper bags and pack it down really tight, microwave for 2 minutes and 40 seconds, let it cool for an hour then I pour it back into the bowl to devour. This whole process is to make the cornstarch crunchy! That is the only way I can eat it. I can go through a box a day and If I’m home all day I can go through 2 boxes. I NEED HELP!!! This is a true addiction because as I am typing this my mouth is watering. I actually crave it all day everyday. If I am out of it and it is the middle of the night I will get up out of my bed to go buy more. I originally just bought one box at at time but the more started to consume the more I bought at at time. Now I will buy 4 or 5 boxes at a time and that will only last for a few days. When I’m stressed I consume more. I am dying because it has been 4 days since I have had any.

I started to look up videos on how to stop eating it and I ended up searching for videos on how to make it crunchier..(RIDICULOUS) I really want to stop but the reality of it is my cravings make it difficult for me to just stop cold turkey. The longest I have gone on my “this has got to stop” run is 2 months. After that 2 months I passed by the baking isle and I was back on. The issue is when I go days without eating it I binge when I finally get my hands on some. I’ve done research and read about “pica”,  I’ve read that my iron may be low and that I’m anemic…The list goes on. What I haven’t read about is HOW TO STOP?? How do I stop?? I know eventually it will make me sick but its hard to stop….Send some help my way!

My name is LaPorcia Mann and I am addicted to cornstarch…..

-P-

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