In a nut shell, my idea of a perfect date is a fun activity, good food and great conversation. I love trying new things or just being active so doing a fun activity on a date gives you big points. Check out my bucket list for some ideas! I also love to eat so trying a new resteraunt, or even a food truck would be a fun to try after a fun activity. While we eat, I want to have great..
So my guilty pleasure is definitely the reality TV show The Bachelor/Bachelorette. While it may not be complete reality and little unconventional it has work for some couples. While this show does not have a 100% success rate, I believe there are a few dating lessons you can learn from the show.
1. DATE MULTIPLE PEOPLE
If you’re single you are a free agent and are allowed to date as many people as you would like. On the show one guy/girl dates 32 people publicly. While it builds a lot of competition between the contestants and gives the bachelor plenty of options. The difference is everybody knows each other. While I don’t think all your dates should know each other, they should at least know that you are dating other people. At least until they want to make it official.
2. ENJOY THE JOURNEY
On the show they begin in California, but as the show goes further they visit other states and then other countries. In each place they experience adventurous dates. Even if the participants don’t get chosen they can appreciate the fun experiences they had and even the friends they made along the way.
3. BE OPEN & VULNERABLE
When it comes to love you have to be open and vulnerable. Even though it’s scary if you can’t open up to someone about your fears and dreams. Sometimes you should make big gestures to show someone you want them, that you care about them. The big gesture doesn’t have to be actually ‘big’ but just show something big. Buying them their favorite candy or saving an item from your first date. These gestures are simple, but big because if shows you’re listening and how much you actually care.
4. KNOW WHAT YOU WANT
So many guys go on Bachelorette and don’t know if their ready for an engagement. Some people go on the show for publicity and won’t even attracted to the Bachelor/Bachelorette. During the dating game you shouldn’t waste anyways. Vocalize what you each want and if doesn’t line don’t lower standards to fit them.
5. KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
If you are one of 25 people that someone is dating that can be really tough. You’ll feel insecure if you think the Bachelor/Bachelorette doesn’t give you a rose on a group date. You’ll feel a type of way knowing that he/she kissing someone else when you’re just a few feet away. I think anyone is allowed to feel this way, but you can’t blame/loose yourself. I know most of my dating years I thought something had to be wrong with me, but when I started value myself and realize how I special I was, I knew we just weren’t meant to be.
The Bachelor may not be complete reality, but they’re are all real people. All of us yearn for love, and would be crazy enough to sign up for this show. Some are even crazy enough to start a blog and date a guy in every state. There is no equation to find love and there’s no right way to do it, but ‘The Bachelor’ is one kind of way.
I went to Houston, Texas for my second state of this journey. Last time, in Colorado I had a guy and date set up months in advance. Everything didn’t go as planned when I went to, so I went to Texas with no plan at all. Ehhh probably wasn’t my best idea. I mean I had some sort of plan. All I knew was what restaurants I wanted to go to because, a girl has got to eat.
I went into the weekend having a few guys that were interested in going on a date with me. Unfortunately I had to keep saying Thank U, Next as Ariana Grande would say.
The Clever Guy
A few weeks before my trip, I set my OkCupid account to a Houston zip code, so I could start finding some guys before I got there. Gabe sent a clever message to me that persuaded me to move off the app. We texted for a bit, and he told me to hit him up when I got to Houston. I thought it was a reasonable enough ask. I had a few weeks before I was headed to Houston and I’d much rather get to know someone in person. When I arrived in Houston I texted him. He responded saying he lost all his contacts *rolls eyes.
Not to my surprise, he didn’t text me back after I told him I was in town.
THANK U, NEXT
The Sick Guy
A couple days before I left for Houston, Justin immediately proposed date ideas: salsa dance class or indoor skydiving. I liked that he got straight to the point and responded right away. He asked to go out that weekend and I thought I clearly found my date for Texas. The Thursday night when I landed I got a text that he was sick. I thought something was iffy already, because he only texted me around 10/11pm. When I looked back on OKCupid it showed that he unmatched with me, so I just left him alone.
Funny thing is he actually texted me when I got back to Georgia.
THANK U, NEXT
The Funny Guy
Kevin started off asking a whole bunch of questions he wanted me to answer. I figured that’s what he sent to all his matches, but they were interesting questions so I took a go at it. He never responded after I answered so I reached back out to him playfully. He apologized and we messaged on the app some more. I could tell he would always make me laugh so he intrigued me. Randomly he sent me his phone number and I texted him.
A few days later he called me and we got to know each other a little bit. Kevin clearly didn’t read my bio, so I explained my blog to him. He was intrigued by the idea and jokingly asked how he could apply. I told him all he had to do was to come up with the most adventurous date idea and let me know. I heard back from him the day before my flight and asked if he came up with an idea. He never responded.
He did add me on Snapchat later that night…
Thank U, Next
The Plans Guy
I made plans with Gabriel Friday, to go to Moody Gardens the following day. He said he was down but I never heard anything from him the rest of the day. I woke up the next morning and got ready to enjoy crepes at Sweet Paris. After I ate my delicious crepes, he finally texted me back apologizing for being busy. He said we were still on for today but I waited for 5 hrs and never heard back.
Thank U, Next
The Application Guy
I was sick and tired of waiting around so I reached out to a guy that applied. Struggling to find a secure date, I found him on OKCupid letting me know he filled out my questionnaire. I wasn’t super attracted to him, but he was excited to take me out. I told him I was available and he gave me a time and place immediately. Finally I found an upstanding guy! Don’t worry I’ll tell you more about the date later.
When I went to Colorado my favorite part was going to the hot springs. I went by myself not having to worry if someone would join me for a date. This past weekend wasn’t as easy as Colorado. I actually shed tears Friday night in Houston. Partial because I was missing Alex, but also because I realized I had to deal the dating BS again.
Ariana Grandes’ song Thank U, Next is not just about her exes and the lessons she’s learned from them. She has also learned more about herself and loves herself. This dating world is brutal nowadays. You can be ghosted, breadcrumbed, or catfished and it puts a downer on your dating life. I’ve done the waiting around and chasing after a guy that won’t respond to my texts. If I need to I’ll go on a date with myself I will.
I know my self worth and I’m saying Thank U, Next.
In this online dating world ghosting is a common thing you come across of whether you’ve been ghosting or have been the one ghosted. You can spend a lot time with someone and start liking them and they completely disappear. I’ve felt the feelings for ghosting from both sides and it sucks.
So what should you do if you have been ghosted?
DO NOT keep texting for days
Being ghosted comes out of know where, you don’t usuallt expect it. A million scenarios will run through your head… maybe they got in an accident, maybe they lost there phone. Sorry to break it to you but there’s a 90% chance they are unharmed and see every text you are sending… so blowing up there phone is not going to change their mind but just allow them to legitimize ghosting you. I’m guilty of ghosting guys and they will send a text day after day. Just take the message
DO text one more time the next day.
Only do this to make sure they are okay. After they haven’t texted you for 48hrs you can come to the conclusion you have been ghosted. I think it’s best to just stop trying to reach out to them after that. There was a guy that stood me up and ghosted me right before our third date. I texted him a couple times to verify the date, but no response. The next day I went to work and continued to worry about him, assuming those crazy scenarios must have happened. To just ensure he was safe I sent one text:
I'm worried about you, please just let me know you are okay
Guess what!? He texted and let me know he was okay and actually let me know why he ghosted – he was still hurting from his last relationship. I completely understood and left him alone. A couple weeks later he actually reached back out to me and wanted to try us again. Long story short, he stood me up again…
DO NOT try and get in contact with them on social media.
They ghosted you, don’t stalk them and try to slide into their DMs they most likely still won’t answer. There is something you can do if you really want to know why they ghosted though.
DO call the Jeff and Jenn Show.
The Jeff and Jenn Show is my favorite radio station I listen to when I am driving to work in the morning. One of their segments is called Ghost Hunting,and they call the person that ghosted you and ask them why they ghosted. Need to figure out why you were ghosted? Call them up! You’d be surprised by the crazy reasons people have ghosted.
DO NOT blame yourself.
I know once we come to the conclusion that we have been ghosted we instantly think it’s something that we have done. You’ll go through all your texts and try and figure out if it was something you said. You go through ever second of your last date and figure out if it was something weird you did.
DO realize that it happened for the best.
Even if you do figure out on your own why they ghosted what will it do for you? This person chose to leave your life without discussing it with you, what hope of a relationship do you really have? They aren’t meant for you if you said or did something they don’t like. If you were being rude to the waiter, you may need to fix that though.
Remember these Do’s and Don’ts if you’ve been ghosted, and keep putting yourself out there. If you’ve done the ghosting try giving a simple explanation next time. I know it’s easier to ghost someone, because you don’t have to deal with their feelings. Put yourself in the other person’s shoe, I promise that honest closure is better than disappearing.
What if you knew the person you’re dating right now is the person you’re going to marry? What if you knew the person you’re dating was going to break up with you next week. What if you knew your relationship wasn’t really over with your ex? Would life be a lot easier if you knew how long your relationship would last?
Well.. I met someone
I messaged Alex on Hinge, responding to what he had on his Bucket List. I thought his answers were funny so I was eager to know more. We sent a few messages back and forth. Just when I was thought nothing would come of it, he asked me out to lunch.
We met at Community BBQ, and had a little awkward introduction. I wasn’t sure how this date would go, but I went in with an open mind. We ordered our food and as soon as we sat down Alex said: “So tell me who is Diamond.” That made me giggle and from there the conversation flowed. We talked about our families, work, school, and hobbies. We continued talking for about an hour after we finished eating, but once it started getting busy we knew it was time to go. I gave him my number and later that night he texted me.
I loved this message and was interested in seeing him again. Unfortunately, we met right before Thanksgiving and he was going out of town so we had a week. During that week I never heard from him so I assumed it was a hit and miss. Surprisingly he messaged me when he got back into town. We made plans to get tacos on Tuesday. That date went well and I asked him to drive me home. When we got in the car he didn’t seem to be in a rush to get on the road. He actually was eager to figure out when we would see each other again. Once we did he kept talking… it was cute so I figured I would shut him up with our first kiss. After some time after the kiss and talking, I finally told him I was ready to go home.
A couple days later he spontaneously wanted to pick me up and go to the movies together. Days later we got dressed up and went to a church party. Before the party, we drank some tequila in the back of his car and played a game I brought. While we talked I actually told him about my 50 Date in 50 States plan. He asked me more questions and seemed to take it well. After the party, we shared a Ferris wheel ride in downtown Atlanta.
He always wanted to spend more time with me and I was starting to like him more and more. It was scary telling him about my blog, but when it was getting late he said let’s jump on a plane and go somewhere. We obviously weren’t going to do that, but that statement gave me so hope.
Everything was going well with Alex. He took me on dates, called me: “pretty girl” when he dropped me home and followed up with me saying how much of a great time he would have with me. We went on romantic dates like Holiday Lights at Botanical Garnder and playful dates like laser tag. Honestly, the best time we spent together was in his car just talking. I could tell him anything and he wouldn’t judge me. We were completely honest and comfortable with each other.
Even though everything was going well I had so many thoughts in my head.
I just started my 50 Dates in 50 States, how was I going to handle this?
What if I asked him to travel to those 50 States with me?
What if he said no?
What if he said yes?
What if I scare him away?
I was so scared that whatever this was would end, but of course, I wouldn’t know when or how. The uncertainty killed me, but he made me happy I didn’t want to stop seeing him.
Days before Christmas Eve Alex picked me up. I knew he had something to tell me because he was acting weird the past couple of days. He drove a couple of blocks from my house and he told me the news. A new job was offered to him. He didn’t really enjoy the job he was currently at I knew this one would make him happier. I was excited for him, up until he told me the job was in Chicago. The car grew silent, I had no idea what to say. I was happy and proud of him but obviously, this was over. He jokingly asked me to come with me, but he knew I was happy with the family, friends, and job I had here.
That night we watched my favorite Black Mirror episode (“Hang the DJ”). I won’t share any spoilers, but in this episode, there’s a simulation where you could know how long you would be with someone. While I watched this episode I thought about the possibility. What if I knew I would only be with Alex for 34 days. I definitely wouldn’t have been overthinking everything. It would’ve made my life a lot easier, right?
Dating can be scary as hell. Yea it probably would make my life easier, but it wouldn’t make the search for love worth it. I wouldn’t have enjoyed the time we spent together, because I would just count down the days. I wouldn’t have been scared about being vulnerable and honest because I would never see him again anyways. You put your heart on the line constantly hoping that you’ll connect with someone. That you’ll meet your “perfect match”. Then those days, months or years run up and you have to open your heart again.
If it’s scary, it’s probably worth it.
Maybe 34 days was all Alex and I were supposed to have. Maybe I’ll have more time with him in the future. The uncertainty, with dating and love, is scary, but I’ll keep doing it. Because if it’s scary, it’s probably worth it.
If you follow me on Instagram you know I’ve been going on a date every Tuesday. I’ve been pretty successful and getting these dates and I want other people to get a chance to start meeting people offline as soon as possible. Dating is work and here are the steps to successfully get more dates
Wait a few days before swiping (this way you’ll get your matches All at once. I schedule my taco the dates mainly on Bumble. I try not to swipe till Monday. I’ll get notifications that people have swiped right on me so you so I know I’ll have people to match with as soon as possible.
Message all you matches at the with proposal to go on a date the following day. I copy and paste the same message to them. I usually say: “Hey! What do you think getting off this app and getting tacos tomorrow in honor of Taco Tuesday?“. You can switch it up, if you don’t like tacos or if you rather do something else. Just be straight forward with what you want to do and what day you want to go.
Start responding. Wait for responses and Message the people that respond. Talk to everyone no matter who you’re most interested in. Keep your options open. People will stop responded, they may something that turns you off, they may reschedule. Take your time responding back to people just so you don’t accidentally schedule a date for the same night.
4. Get Details
Get the details. Once the person gives you a ime and place you have officially scheduled a date for that week.
Schedule more dates. If the date went well make sure you decide if you want to see each other again. But also Continue talking to the guys that responded late. I usually schedule other dates for the week if someone responded too late or they are busy on the proposed day. That date with the first guy may not have went to well so try your luck with someone else. If it did go well still go on dates. It’s good to multi date until you know who you want to be serious with. Don’t get stuck on one person after the first date. You still have to get to know the person.
I hate texting and getting to know someone I don’t even know yet over text. I barely text my friends. I’d much rather call/FaceTime and even better meet in person. Try and start going on more dates. You’ll get more comfortable going on first dates and meeting more people.
Don’t waste your time texting and staying on the app. Usually, you text every day with someone and develop this false intimacy and then all of sudden they ghost and you’ve given all your attention to this one person. Or you can actually meet and you don’t vibe as well as you did over text. So good luck and try and get a date this week! Tell me all about them in the comments and follow me on IG to hear about my weekly dates.
We live in a busy world and it seems like there are not enough hours in the day Usually the guys I’m into are always busy and I see that as an attractive quality. This shows that they are doing something with their life and won’t be waiting around to hang out with me 24/7. I don’t want a guy that can wait for me at home like a puppy dog while I’m out working and living life. We should both be working towards our goals. This can definitely put a strain on a relationship or even prevent a relationship from even beginning. These are a few ways to date when you’re busy.
I try to keep a steady workout plan and while I do enjoy working out alone I do think if I knew I would be spending time with a cutie at the gym I would be going more often. Working out with someone can keep you motivated, keep you in shape, and keep you together.
Just having one night out of the week where you have a little fun helps you not stress when you’re trying to survive your busy life. Attending a trivia night is a great way to see how much your partner knows. You’ll find out the crazy facts they know while sharing an appetizer. Karaoke is not for everyone, but if you enjoy singing like I do this is a great idea. Sing a song together or maybe dedicate a song to them. If you would like you could also use this night to make some time for your friends as well.
If you’re really into someone you make time for them. Compare each other’s schedule and see where you can fit each other in. I always tried to make excuse for guys that seemed to lways be too busy for me. I have learned that if someone isn’t willing to make time for you they aren’t worth your time.
After a while of saying Thank U, Next I finally secured a date with DeShaun. Due to him filling out my date questionnaire, I got the feeling he was serious about going on a date with me. I texted him thanking him and asking him when we could go out. When I told him I was available, he gave me food options for an early dinner: Tacos or Ramen. I never went to a Ramen restaurant before and I had tacos the other day before so I decided to try something new.
Before I arrived at the restaurant I talked to my Uber driver and he recommended I check out Pleasure Pier, just as my Lyft driver the other day suggested. I was really excited to go, but I needed to figure out if I would want to spend more time with him after dinner.
We met outside of Tiger’s Den, a ramen restaurant in Houston’s Chinatown. As we sat down at our table, we discussed my blog and he asked me questions about my blog. Before applying, he told me he read some of my posts, such as Dating with Social Anxiety. He also used to suffer from social anxiety as well, when he was over 200 pounds. He explained further saying he was worried about what people thought of him and as a result was anxious in social environments. I asked him why he made that huge lifestyle change. He answered saying he realized he wanted to be healthy to be a father. I found that admirable, as it really spoke to who he was.
I decided he seemed like a good enough guy to spend more time with and asked if he would be down to go to Pleasure Pier. He told me it would take an hour and a half to get there and suggested doing something else. I insisted that was the only place I was interested in going and he happily obliged. We took that hour and a half drive and continued talking during the ride.
During the ride, he shared stories of his best traveling experiences with his job. As he continued to speak he was slowly bothering me. When he talked it came off as he was trying to prove something. He kept talking about how great traveling is with his job, how he could pay his rent, and professing everything he could offer. I knew he was just trying to prove he was worth dating, but I knew he was; without him stating the obvious.
It was extremely foggy and a little chilly when we arrived at Pleasure Pier. I wish I could have seen the view during the day, but the view of the gulf was still captivating. I was being a bit uptight during the date, so I was excited to get on a fast ride. Unfortunately due to the weather, a majority of the rides were shut down. Luckily there was one fast spinning ride called Rock&Roll. It helped me to breathe and start loosening up. Afterward, we rode the carousel like we were kids, and grabbed a drink at the bar across the street.
DeShaun complimented me and professed his interest in dating a girl like me. I tried to be completely honest with DeShaun about the date. This was the first date since Alex and I ended. I explained how that made me a little closed off, during the date. I told him he talked too much and that I was not feeling a romantic connection with him as he clearly was. Even with my brutal honesty and not being my best self, he actually told me this was the best date he had been on. Surprised, I asked for further explanation. He simply said it was because I didn’t judge him
Be Open-mindedTHEIR INTERESTS
I was understanding as I know many people can be a little judgmental and close-minded. He told me he was into comics and extremely into Wakanda. He had a Wakanda hat and jacket in his car. It didn’t bother me, it was clearly something he liked so why would I judge him. Apparently, girls would tell him that he would grow out his interest and it made him closed off the rest of the date. I try my best to not make anyone fill bad about who they are, so I was glad DeShaun saw that from me.
On ‘My List’ the top characteristic I look for in a guy is to be open-minded. I try to be as open-minded as possible and it actually has a lot of people open up to me. I’ve had a guy tell me on a first date that his brother was a meth addict. He was completely embarrassed by it, but he felt comfortable enough to keep telling me more because I didn’t judge. Another guy told me all about his past of getting in fights and going to jail multiple times as a teenager. Even though I led a completely opposite life, I just listened to his stories without judgment.
I am completely open to dating any race. As long as there are an attraction and chemistry I am open to it. One of my posts, The Struggles of Interracial Dating discuss my view of interracial dating. A married co-worker wishes she did experience dating outside of her race when she was younger. We get stuck on having a type, but dating is a numbers game so open up your door to more options.
So, the one thing to do to be a great date? BE OPENMINDED
Honestly, you should be open-minded in everyday life. When it comes to my friends they know they can tell me ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING and I won’t judge. I just listen, laugh, and share advice if needed. The same goes for strangers. In college, while I was sitting down at a table I had a guy profess his love for one of my classmates and I tried to help him actually ask her out. I had never talked to this guy in my life, but he just seemed to trust talking to me out of the gate and I listened.
The Dalai Lama said ‘An open heart is an open mind.’ The world would be a better place if you could talk to anyone without being judged. On your next date, try and be that person. Open your mind when you are dating, and you could open heart to someone special.
As I match with guys on dating apps to find a date for my 50 Dates in 50 States journey, I get a range of messages. Most first messages don’t lead to a great conversation. They usually start with a compliment or a basic ‘How are you.’ When I have multiple matches it’s work to keep up with all the conversations especially if they are boring. If I am engaged and excited about a conversation I usually respond promptly. When it comes to dating it’s important to make sure your first message is engaging and intriguing, so the conversation doesn’t end before you have a chance to go on a date. Here are the 5 best ways I know how to start a conversation on a dating app.
1. Ask an Open Ended Question
The best way to start a conversation is with an open ended question. If you ask an open-ended it’s less likely you’ll get a one word answer. Figure out a question is to look at their bio and pictures and ask a question related to it. If you need question ideas click here for Big Talk Questions.
2. Use a Clever Pick Up Line
I LOVE a good pick up line. They can make you laugh or make you think a little. Most pick up lines aren’t super engaging though so don’t use basic pick up lines, be clever. Look at their name, bio, and pictures and create/find a pickup line related to it.
This isn’t a one liner, but this guy was really clever. He read my bio and saw that I was going to be in Houston, and came up with a pick up line. I don’t usually exchange my numbers with a guy that early, but I thought it was so clever I gave him my number.
3. Compliment Followed by a Question
Yes, a compliment is always nice to receive, but the conversation can always end quick after that. So make sure you add a question to that compliment…an open ended question!
4. Be Random
Be random, but be yourself. When I’m tired of trying to figure out the best first message, I just rogue and send something completely random. The response to a random message really shows what kind of person you’re talking to. Do they think it’s funny? Are they a little rude?
A few years ago I actually started sending ‘I love you’ as my first to guys. Some would make a joke about it. Some took it seriously. One guy actually said ‘I love you’ back. We talked and exchanged numbers and actually went on a date. He was super sweet, but he just got out a long term relationship so he wasn’t looking for anything serious. It didn’t work out with him, but that random message turn into an engaging conversation, and turned into a date.
5. Be Bold and Ask Them Out
Sometimes having a conversation online is tough. Maybe your first impression is better in person. If someone’s profile has already convinced you that you want to meet them be bold and ask them on a date! Life is too short to be wasting time online anyways.
If you need question ideas click here for Big Talk Questions.
If you want my help sending that first message DM on instagram for some help.
Sometime last year, my coworker said “I can’t wait to see who you end up married to…” a couple hours later a friend makes a similar comment. This day was pretty great just being told this, but the conversation with my friend turned into a different one.
He continued to discuss my great qualities like my personality, my kindness, and my openness but then mentioned that a couple things could be perfected” or as he stated I need to bring ‘my inner swan’ out.
I pressed him to explain his thoughts. I was astonished when he mentioned I should get a weave/straighten my hair. He continued his argument saying I should let his girlfriend do my makeup one night. After listening to all he had to do say I had to put him in his place. This friend hasn’t seen me all put together because I’m usually with him to work on a project. So yes usually I’m in yoga pants and a hoodie or shorts and a tee when I’m around him so I may not seem as amazing in those times.
Being a black girl hair is always a huge topic. Should you straighten it? Get a weave? Perm it? Or maybe even shave it all off? I’ve tried everything…except for shave my hair off! In regards to my hair and its texture, the full closure weaves break off my hair. I sweat and workout too much to maintain my hair straightened. I’ve settled with what works for either have my short natural hair or braids and once every blue moon a wig.
In regards to makeup, I didn’t start wearing makeup till I reached college. My mom didn’t wear makeup so I had a few friends that taught me the basics after highschool. Through trial and error, I figured out what worked best for me. When I really want show out I’ll put on lipstick, blush, stick foundation, and sometimes eyeliner, but not put on a full face. I have no judgment towards girls that do, but I know what I’m most comfortable with.
This conversation I had really infuriated me, because as much as I may seem like a great future partner apparently I still wasn’t enough. On the plus side, this conversation also showed how confident I was in myself. Being a black girl you grow up wanting to fit in and have straight hair. Being a girl you feel like you have to cover up all your imperfections with makeup. I’ve experienced just a little bit of life and I know what I am comfortable with. I don’t have to wear makeup all the time and if I wanted to wear my hair straight all the time I wouldn’t be able to maintain my workout life, that keeps me looking good.
As long as you have a kind heart, are comfortable with yourself and know who you are as a person you are more than enough.
No one is ever going to be perfect. Whether it’s the size of your butt or how long your hair is. In the dating world, we have some many options and think we have to be perfect to match with someone. As long as you have a kind heart, are comfortable with yourself and know who you are as a person you are more than enough.