An author is a Mental health blogger with Bipolar, PTSD, OCD and Anxiety Survivor. Bipolar Whispers blog is for the person wondering if they are alone. For the person wondering ‘How can I possibly get through this’. For the person newly diagnosed. For the person who has been diagnosed for a long time. For the person not yet diagnosed. For the person with multiple diagnoses.
Well the sleep that has eluded me all this time with this current mania came last night. With all the meds, mood stabilizers and sleeping meds, and more mood stabilizers and more sleeping meds and Seroquel added to the mix (all prescribed and taken as prescribed) I slept between 12-13 hours. Seriously that long.
I feel sluggish this afternoon, since I did just get up long enough to eat lunch. I still feel the need to move quite a bit, like shake my legs etc. I still cannot talk properly, stuttering and mmmmm ing a lot. But I slept, so it has to be a step in the right direction….Right??
The mania has been calmer for a few days, not good, but calmer.
When your Bipolar diagnosis gets moved from BP2 to BP1, does that mean its upgraded to 5 star accommodations or downgraded to 1 star accommodations?
And more so I wonder how long my doctor knew this tidbit of information….
Thursday over night and Friday were bad. I was talking fast, then pressured, then stuttering and not able to get words or anything out. I ended up in the Er, then transferred to a Mental health hospital. Where to be honest I met the best Psychiatrists I have ever seen.
Tegertol increased to 200mgs, with being told to go to 300mgs if the mania did not begin to calm in a day or two (which I increased last night after the night before barely sleeping any). Trazodone 50mgs added for sleep.
First night all that along with the Zopiclone 7.5 managed to get me about 8 hours of sleep. Second night, nothing touched me again. Slept maybe 2 hours of broken sleep and woke yesterday with the major speech issues again, and feeling like I could not sit still and all the other lovely classic bipolar stuff.
Last night I managed to get about 2 hours of broken sleep in the night and about 2 hours of broken sleep sometime between 9 and 12:30. Still having some speech issues but I would say its cleared up about 80%, seems the more I talk the worst it gets.
Seeing my own doctor tomorrow sometime to get meds situated and probably something better for sleep. (Just a tidbit of info, all this happened 4 hours away from home for me and we came home on Saturday which is why I never saw my regular doctor before but Er and Mental Health Hospital.)
Had to give in at 7:30 this morning and take another dose of Zopiclone. After sleeping maybe 30 minutes the whole night. I managed to get a total of 2-3 hours after taking it but that was broken and I kept waking. Like I was slightly sedated feeling but wasn’t able to fully take avail of the medication.
Still shaky and fidgety today, still lots of thoughts, no changes.
I am sure I will write something later, for now just a quick update.
I don’t know what it is but there is something about music and mania. Almost every time I am manic I like to listen to music and write.
Its like the music keeps me focused enough to be able to write something that makes more sense that the jumble that is inside my mind.
Sometimes I feel like the music is seeping into my soul.
I sit and I write and the constant movement of my hands flying across the keyboard and my leg shaking is somehow satisfying. Fulfilling.
Its like, I cannot even explain the feelings that I am feeling at the moment. It is truly bliss. I love the feeling of my fingertips flying over the keys. I love the sound of he soft clicking just under the sound of he music in my ears.
After waiting from 3:30 am to 9:30 am and still not seeing a doctor at the hospital that was closest to me, a friend picked me up and took me to a mental health hospital. I was in to triage, seen the nurse for all my history, seen a doctor and got prescriptions in less than an hour.
So much much better than the waiting dance I was doing at the first hospital. Waiting in a crowded emergency room for hours was not my idea of fun when I was feeling like I was going to crawl out of my skin and was having an extremely hard time staying in my seat. I literally shook my legs the entire time I was there because I was hoping the movement was going to be enough to let me not go completely out of my mind.
Anyway, Zopliclone 7.5mgs for sleep and Tegertol 150mgs for the mood stabilizer. Took it at 1, got a hot hot hot bath, lay down and managed 2 hours of sleep. But thats it, now I am wide awake again and can’t take it anymore until tomorrow night.
Zopliclone never really worked well for me before, would put me to sleep *sometimes* and more often that not wear off in 30-40 minutes. So I do not have much hope for it, but I didn’t want anything stronger at the moment.
So my sleep this week has went something like this:
Friday night: 5 broken
Saturday Night: 4-5 broken
Sunday night: 3 broken
Monday night: 1 1/2 broken
Tuesday night: Nothing
Wednesday day (after taking the meds): Little less than 2 hours
And for weeks before that I have been having broken sleep, weird sleeping hours. In retrospect, its always sleep.
Right now I have absolutely no time to deal with the hypomanic episode that my body/mind is trying to unleash on me.
I cannot deal with it. I must not get it.
I am hours away from my normal doctor, days, hours and minutes removed from his care.
In a strange place, where I would have to see a strange doctor, to deal with something that I really do not have the time or patience to deal with right now.
I have not been hypomanic or manic in over a year and I am currently not medicated in regards to my Bipolar disorder at all.
And it could not have come at a worst time for me.
I have had a conversation with a child psychiatrist about what is happening, and the right route I need to follow and which hospital to go to in order to be seen in a timely manner. But I am beyond nervous about taking that step.
I am pushing it off until tomorrow to see how I feel then. But as of right now its on a downward worsening slope that I can already see a difference since this morning.
Normally I probably wouldn’t notice this early in the mania but I am so hyper aware because of another situation and trying to keep that under control that I began noticing the signs late last night / early this morning. Its been lack of sleep for weeks. Weird broken sleep that has gotten way worst over the past few days up to a week.
I have some of my personal signs, the tingly feeling, the agitation, the rapid thoughts, the not being able to sit still at all, lack of sleep, the talking fast, not being able to talk proper because my words are jumbled. The wanting to write.
I am mine numbingly, bone achingly exhausted this morning. I was binge watching shows on Netflix late for the past two nights and then never slept well. Up early with the kids for school and as soon as they leaves for the bus stop I am going to try to sleep.
The only update I really have on me right now is that I am med free again, which I am not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing….but it is something.
Sorry I have not been writing much lately. I have a couple of things going on that is really taking up a ton of time, but they should be clued up within the next week and then I should be able to get back into writing again.
I am feeling pretty good lately but sleeping a lot more than normal, I am not sure if that is a result of the new medication or something else but I will keep an eye on it. I am probably sleeping 10-16 hours in a 24 hour period and this is an extreme amount of sleep for me. Anyone of you who have been following my blog for a while know that I never sleep like that.
I don’t feel depressed or anything, just really really seem to need a ton of sleep lately.
How are you all doing? I would love to hear updates on everyone in the comments.
Dealing with some anxiety here tonight, first time I felt like this in quite some time. I was watching something on tv and I guess some of it hit home with some things that I was and have been going through in life.
I just started to feel like I couldn’t swallow and then my heart was fluttering and my whole body started to tingle.
In all honesty I should try to go to sleep since its close on 5 am………
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