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The world is run by absolute clowns, it has been confirmed.

The news comes as Britain decided to follow in America’s footsteps and appoint a self-obsessed, incompetent, incoherent arsehat as its leader.

Political analyst James Richardson said the attributes required for world leadership had changed over the years. “In the war years what was required was a steady hand. During the sixties and seventies we looked to leaders who could inspire us. Now we tend to assess the range of options available and go for the one with funny hair,” he said. 

More to come.

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Channel 10 say they are surprised they could not reach a contract agreement with MasterChef judges George Calombaris, Matt Preston and Garry Mehigan, after the network offered them a very generous $9.00 per-hour package, cash in hand.

A spokesperson for the network said the contract offer was very much within the normal industry range, and included substantial benefits such as 4-minute meal breaks and a personal bench to sleep on between shifts.

“The hours are great too,” the spokesperson said. “Just 40 hours per week, with the odd extra 40 hours or so in unpaid overtime. So the work-life balance is great”.

She said the judges would be paid a little less than the legal wage requirements and wouldn’t get superannuation or sick pay, but that was offset by a great working culture.

“MasterChef is all about recreating the environment of a professional kitchen, so I am a little surprised that George, Matt and Garry didn’t jump at this offer”.

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Saying it can get monotonous looking at a big backlit screen all day, Sydney man Brad Knight decided to break things up this morning by looking at the same content on a smaller, hand-held screen.

“Some people go hours at a time looking at a TV screen or a computer screen, but I could never do that. I make sure that at least once every 30-40 minutes I’m taking a break and looking at my phone,” Knight said.

“It’s all about breaking the habit. Sometimes you’ve just got to make the decision to do something different – shut the lid on your laptop and just walk away. To where your phone is, to see what’s happening there”.

He said it was good to mix things up by looking at smaller versions of websites. “It gives you a different perspective. It’s a totally different way of using your mind.

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Sydney student Lily Maples has been left without any way of determining her value to society, it has emerged.

With Instagram deciding to hide the number of likes a post gets on its platform in Australia, millions of people like Lily now have absolutely no way of telling whether they are living a fulfilling life or not.

“It’s now totally impossible for me to know whether I’m better than Naomi Benson. Or Katie Wilson for that matter,” Maples reported. “I literally don’t know whether to feel good about myself or not.

“Like the other day I posted this selfie that was super hot and my self worth was something like 180, compared with Katie Wilson’s, which I think was less than 100. Actually, I know it was less than 100. It was 89. But the point is, what about today? It could be 200 or 20. I’ve got no way of knowing”.

The change will have wider implications, Maples said. She now has no way of telling which Instagram influencers to look up to. “And how do I know if my lunch is acceptable to other people? This is a nightmare”

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The Coalition says it is passionate about defending Australians’ right to express their opinions about absolutely anything at all (except Anzac Day, in which case they will run a lengthy and targeted campaign to force you from the country).

Coalition Senator Eric Abetz said Australia was a diverse nation and that people should be able to speak openly about absolutely any non-Anzac Day related topic they wanted.

“We’ve always been a very free and open nation. So it makes sense that unless you’re a traitorous degenerate who has the absolute nerve to come here and critique our national day of American-style war glorification, you should be able to speak your mind openly”.

Nationals MP Barnaby Joyce echoed Mr Abetz’s concerns.

“We come from many walks of life and have many different opinions and beliefs. Just because you have a belief about a subject that’s not related to Anzac Day that I disagree with, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be able to say it”.

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Funding for the legal action Israel Folau himself initiated, to defend the bigoted statement he himself chose to post, has been thrown a lifeline, after his GoFundMe campaign was pulled from underneath him yesterday.

A new option has emerged called ‘GoFundYourself’, an innovative service which allows multi-millionaires to fund their own legal costs, without even the need to set up a webpage.

Under the pioneering program, people on $4 million sporting contracts can simply decide to take responsibility for their fucking actions, and pay funds directly to their legal team, cutting out the middle man altogether.

GoFundYourself has been described as ‘infinitely simpler’ than GoFundMe, which requires users to combine small amounts from strangers, and – annoyingly – compete for funds against children with actual real-life terminal illnesses.

In one hypothetical example used to explain the system, a man with a $7 million property portfolio and a $500,000 Lamborghini who receives an invoice from his lawyer would just fucking pay it from his bank account.

“It’s amazing how quickly you can reach your funding target when you pay for your own shit,” one fan of the service said.

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The AFL says the tough penalty it imposed on Collingwood player Jaidyn Stephenson for betting on a game has had an immediate impact, pushing the odds of a further player discretion out to over $10.

In a joint statement with betting partners Sportsbet, Easybet, Crownbet, Unibet, Betfair, Neds, William Hill and TAB, the AFL said now was a good time to have a punt on the next player caught, with some special promotions in the offing.

“Pick a player, choose your betting amount, and if your player gets caught before the end of the month, you can double your winnings,” an AFL spokesperson said.

AFL chief Gillon McLachlan sad the AFL had sent a strong signal about the appropriateness of betting. “We’ve been very visible about this. At every game, at every telecast, on every AFL website, you’ll see how seriously we take gambling”.  

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Following raids on News Corporation and the ABC, the Australian Federal Police stepped up its operations over the weekend, entering Channel 9 headquarters and demanding to know the simple electricity-saving tips that could save you thousands.

During the raid, which lasted more than four hours, six AFP offices interviewed staff of popular program ‘A Current Affair’ looking for the secret information on a wide range of topics.

AFP spokesperson John Riley said the raid was in the national interest. “We had some very simple questions. How can Australians slash their electricity bill in half, what are the ‘Queen of Clean’s’ tips for removing carpet stains, and how can ordinary Aussies save big at the bowser?”

Riley said they were also interested in evidence of African gangs running rampant across Melbourne. 

Staff said they refused to answer the officers’ questions and urged them to tune in 7pm weeknights for all the answers.

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Tech giant Apple says it will phase out iTunes and replace it with three innovative new ways to totally fuck with your music collection.

Apple CEO Tim Cook said the iconic music software – first launched in 2001 – had become dated, and people were now looking for new ways to effortlessly upload music to an obscure sub folder within a custom second-level directory they had never heard of.

“We know that people want to manage their music intuitively. But it’s more fun when your songs are randomly sorted into sub-genres that make sense only to us,” Cook said.

“With our new music apps, you’ll be able to instantly find the song you’re after – as well as a range of duplicate versions with slightly different names – with just six clicks”.

Cook said finding instructions on how to remove iTunes from devices was easy. “Just open iTunes, then when prompted enter the Apple ID belonging to a random member of your household, click on ‘Artists’, then connect your partner’s old iPhone, click on ‘Store’, then close iTunes, open it again and you’ll find the instructions waiting for you behind a password-controlled login that you set up in 2006. Simple”.

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In a new twist on Australia’s favourite cooking competition, MasterChef contestants will have exactly one hour to cook up the perfect way to underpay their staff.

Inspired by judge George Calomabris’s own approach to running restaurants, the new segment – named ‘Cooking the Books’ – will challenge contestants to find the most inventive and inspiring ways to avoid paying minimum wages and overtime.

Calombaris told contestants to think creatively. “Think carefully about the ingredients you’re going to use. Award wage theft? Holiday loading avoidance? Maybe a dash of overtime-rate evasion? Delicious!”

He said the schemes would be judged on creativity, taste and presentation.

“It’s about the presentation. How can you make it look like you’re running a professional, successful business on the outside when in fact everything’s held together by a carefully-constructed garnish?

“I’m looking forward to seeing how you approach this. 20 MINUTES!”

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