All endings are also beginnings. We just don't know it at the time. -Mitch Alom
you are a horse running alone and he tries to tame you compares you to an impossible highway to a burning house says you are blinding him that he could never leave you forget you want anything but you you dizzy him, you are unbearable every woman before or after you is doused in your name you fill his mouth his teeth ache with memory of taste his body just a long shadow seeking yours but you are always too intense frightening in the way you want him unashamed and sacrificial he tells you that no man can live up to the one who lives in your head and you tried to change didn't you? closed your mouth more tried to be softer prettier less volatile, less awake but even when sleeping you could feel him traveling away from you in his dreams so what did you want to do love split his head open? you can't make homes out of human beings someone should have already told you that and if he wants to leave then let him leave you are terrifying and strange and beautiful something not everyone knows how to love -Warsan Shire When I lost you, I found myself.
As most everyone has seen on facebook and Instagram, I gave birth to my daughter, Johanna, on June 14th.
I want to give all the details and I will eventually share her birth story. It's a doozy. But with consideration for the other issues in my life, I want to keep her sacred and safe and untainted by that bullshit for just a moment longer.
For that same reason, I don't really have any photos or details to share. I can tell you that she's the absolute best baby in the world, that my (ex-ish)husband and I created a tiny goddess who already exceeds everything he or I were otherwise able to achieve, and that I would take bullets for this little girl. I loved her from the first moment I knew her inside me and that love only grows every day. She's drastically changed who I was as a person in the best way possible. And I'm excited to be the one who helps her grow and develop into a functional human being. It's an honor.
When I lost the first baby, back in the spring of 2017, I wrote a post about how I survived. It wasn't easy, but grieving didn't involve a dramatic restructuring of my daily life.
So now I've had to essentially start over, with the knowledge that I'm going to be starting over again once kiddo gets here, and yet again when I have to go back to work. My new normal is ephemeral and dirty and stinks of desperation. Wake up alone, text no one that I love them, text no one throughout the day, meet no one for lunch, text no one that you're leaving work, meet no one at home, cook dinner for no one, go to bed alone.
But I know it won't always be like this. When she gets here, she'll be my sole focus until I'm confident and then I'll continue to work on developing this tiny human into a successful person, while also pulling myself out of the ashes of my demolished relationship.
There has been some personal growth involved. Like acknowledging to myself that my husband wasn't going to come back just because I was doing the dishes and cleaning the sink. And then slacking on those duties once my heart broke a little more. And finally doing them again once I realized that, goddammit, I like having a clean kitchen.
Or realizing that just because I'm super fucking depressed, I can't skip out on life. Or food. So I scheduled things to fill my time. I try to have at least one plan for every weekend, because the weekends are the worst. I've scribed at a dressage show, I've audited lessons, I photographed a friend competing. I've met people for lunch, I've hung out at the barn, I've gone to all those little classes. This weekend, I'm going thrift shopping for baby stuff with another pregnant friend. Next weekend, I've got my baby shower and I'm volunteering at a health fair. The weekend after that, my hair stylist will be in town and I've promised him loads of juicy gossip.
That's another thing. I write emails to my husband that I don't send. They're emotional and vacillate between anger and pain and are pretty damn cathartic. I'm pretty sure he's blocked me on iMessage (hey, it's me, your wife, till death do us part? I'd love some money for groceries/dog food/medications and for you to finance that mold inspection. Thanks for covering the termites.), but I still send him stuff there, too.
It's an all-around fucked up situation. You love someone, so you want them to be happy. But when they pursue their happiness by stomping all over you and your life, you begrudge them that happiness. Do you love them any less or do you just reach the point of self-preservation where their happiness can't come at the expense of your life?
And for those who have asked, no. I'll never take him back.
I can tell you that this whole experience has been hard. The overall taste in my mouth isn't just that my husband separated from me, but that he decimated me. This was no graceful goodbye.
It's been important during this process to take care of myself so I can better take care of my daughter. I've had to be quick on my feet and adjustable as well as ..just.. durable. I'm still human and I'm still hurt, and, oh hey, still super pregnant. So there are moments where I find myself screaming, crying, and trying so desperately hard not to text him again. For the record, he hasn't answered in weeks.
I've learned a lot about myself, my husband and my marriage over the past four weeks. I'm defeated by some of it and disgusted by other parts. I'm impressed with how fucking well I've kept my shit together.
Again, I appreciate everyone who's reached out, offered an ear, a word, baby clothes, or food. My shit would have crumbled without y'all.
On Thursday night, my husband left me. I haven't spoken to or heard from him since, save a text telling me that he thought it best if he didn't come home.
He wouldn't want this on the internet, but that's neither here nor there.
I'm going to be okay. More importantly, baby girl is going to be okay. The time, over the past twelve years, that I invested in other relationships with friends and family has come back tenfold and I feel very, very secure about my support network.
Part of which, of course, is you. I can't thank you enough for everyone who's left a kind (or empathetically bitter) word or who's reached out to make sure I'm okay or that Johanna's okay or if we needed anything. I knew the blogging community was invaluable and I appreciate all of you so very much. Happy third trimester.
I feel like "the Owls Approve" no longer really applies to where I am in life and what I want this blog to be about. It was really applicable when I was determining what I wanted and looking for confirmation. I no longer need confirmation and I know the direction I want. It's not owls, it's a tall shot of Whiskey and long walks with my old man.
I also feel like TOA was more about "life". I don't want to write about the petty nuances of my life anymore. I feel like a big part of my life for the next forever is this little person growing inside me and I don't want to publish details about my future daughter's life online - I don't want her to have an internet presence before she's capable of understanding what the internet is. I want to talk about my big bay boys and maybe the other little four-legged jerks in my life. Maybe still some food or good beer. You'll still get big events, but hopefully more little horse events and training issues and things Where We Going with This?