Loading...

Follow The Onion on Feedspot

Continue with Google
Continue with Facebook
or

Valid

OLYMPIA, WA—Explaining to reporters how he had arrived at the difficult decision, 2020 Democratic presidential candidate Jay Inslee recalled Thursday choosing to enter the race after five teenagers from countries across the globe pressed their enchanted rings together to call him into existence. “The leadership in…

Read more...

Read Full Article
  • Show original
  • .
  • Share
  • .
  • Favorite
  • .
  • Email
  • .
  • Add Tags 

LOS ANGELES—In response to the actress’s denial that the two had ever been romantically involved, musician Moby posted a long-range, blurry photo taken through a window to his Instagram page Thursday as proof that he is currently dating Natalie Portman. “Many people have taken umbrage with the characterization of the…

Read more...

Read Full Article
  • Show original
  • .
  • Share
  • .
  • Favorite
  • .
  • Email
  • .
  • Add Tags 

TABRIZ, IRAN—In a find of enormous significance for the international geological and anthropologic communities, a team of geologists has announced the discovery of a slab of amber containing a perfectly preserved Adam and Eve. “This is an incredible and singular find, as there are very few reliable records indicating…

Read more...

Read Full Article
  • Show original
  • .
  • Share
  • .
  • Favorite
  • .
  • Email
  • .
  • Add Tags 

SPRINGDALE, AR—Announcing that the winner would receive a year’s supply of their frozen poultry products killed in their method of choosing, Tyson Foods unveiled a contest Thursday to let fans submit new ideas for torturing chickens to death. “We know our fans love expressing themselves as much as they love chicken…

Read more...

Read Full Article
  • Show original
  • .
  • Share
  • .
  • Favorite
  • .
  • Email
  • .
  • Add Tags 
Read Full Article
  • Show original
  • .
  • Share
  • .
  • Favorite
  • .
  • Email
  • .
  • Add Tags 

Japan has begun testing the ALFA-X, a next-generation bullet train with an aerodynamic nose capable of hitting a maximum speed of 248 mph, making it the fastest train of its type in the world. What do you think?

Read more...

Read Full Article
  • Show original
  • .
  • Share
  • .
  • Favorite
  • .
  • Email
  • .
  • Add Tags 
Read Full Article
  • Show original
  • .
  • Share
  • .
  • Favorite
  • .
  • Email
  • .
  • Add Tags 

LOS ANGELES—Describing his process for bringing the assassin character to life, Keanu Reeves explained to reporters Thursday how he prepared for the title role in John Wick: Chapter 3—Parabellum by acting in the two previous John Wick movies. “I realized very early on in the development stages of John Wick 3 that the…

Read more...

Read Full Article
  • Show original
  • .
  • Share
  • .
  • Favorite
  • .
  • Email
  • .
  • Add Tags 
The Onion by The Onion - 6h ago
Read Full Article
  • Show original
  • .
  • Share
  • .
  • Favorite
  • .
  • Email
  • .
  • Add Tags 

WASHINGTON—Stating that he would be sticking to his guns regardless of the consequences, President Trump warned China in a White House press briefing Thursday that its leaders should not underestimate his willingness to sacrifice the well-being of every single person in the United States. “If you think for one second…

Read more...

Read Full Article

Read for later

Articles marked as Favorite are saved for later viewing.
close
  • Show original
  • .
  • Share
  • .
  • Favorite
  • .
  • Email
  • .
  • Add Tags 

Separate tags by commas
To access this feature, please upgrade your account.
Start your free month
Free Preview