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GUANTANAMO – After living 15 years in an outdoor cage at the Guantanamo Bay detention camp, Ahmad Muhammad al-Shekau told prison counselors that the enthusiasm he once felt for inhumane atrocities had waned and that blood soaked carnage isn’t really much of a turn on anymore. He said boredom has had a profound effect on his passion for slaughtering the innocent and he rarely even dreams of butchering infidels. Years ago Ahmad befriended terrorist Khalid Muhammad al-Haqqanithe when he was placed in the cage next to his. As days and months turned into years, the two of them lost interest in conversations about annihilation, rape and disembowelment. Instead, they found singing songs together a more pleasant way to pass the long hot days and nights. Then one night, as they sang to each other through the chain link fence that separates them, Ahmad and Khalid were drawn to a lilting voice emanating from a cage on the other side of the compound. The lovely singing was from a terrorist named, Hamza Muhammad al-Shishani. His ability to effortlessly hit high notes made quite an impression on Ahmed and Khalid. The following day, during the weekly prisoner cavity search, they introduced themselves […]
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WASHINGTON – After creating controversy last week when she compared U.S. border facilities to concentration camps, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-N.Y.) – a.k.a. “AOC” – is stirring the pot again with her reference to Auschwitz in a video posted on Instagram. After what was apparently a long, tiring day, AOC recorded herself sitting on the floor eating a Burger King Whopper. Following is a transcript of the video. “OK, ya’ll, I am so tired. I mean, like, I am really tired, for real. And I had a really long day talking to reporters and signing autographs at MSNBC and, after like, I don’t know, a really long time, I finally get to go home and I stopped off at the Burger King to get a Whopper. And I walk in and like, there was a really long line. I mean, a really long line, but I was really hungry, you know what I’m sayin’? Plus, I’d been thinking about getting a Whopper for half the freakin’ day, y’know?” (AOC unwraps her Whopper and puts ketchup on her fries) “So I get into line and I’m tryin’ to kill time by checking my email and reading my text messages and stuff and, […]
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JACKSON, GEORGIA  – As family, friends and death penalty protesters mourned the execution of a convicted murderer at a correctional facility 50 miles outside Atlanta, prison executioner Rob Sterling was on a plane back to his home in southern California sipping a beer and reading Here’s the Story, a tell-all book by Maureen “Marcia Brady” McCormick. Prior to the execution, Mr. Sterling had spent several days at the Georgia prison checking and rechecking his lethal injection equipment, ensuring that release valves properly functioned and injection tubes remained unrestricted. Fellow passengers on Mr. Sterling’s flight would never have guessed that the man chuckling as he read juicy nuggets of Brady Bunch gossip had just hours earlier ended a man’s life. Rob Sterling is a member of a small elite team of freelance executioners, known in the business as Master Executioners, who work the vast consortium of penal institutions around the country. Implementing an entrepreneur-like presence in the executions department is just one example of the Federal Bureau of Prison’s endeavors to streamline the corrections industry. While in the past many considered the job of prison executioner to be a gloomy and unrewarding occupation, today’s executioner regularly travels to exotic prison locations, […]
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Several days after promising to cure cancer if he’s elected president, former Vice President Joe Biden admitted to MSNBC’s Chris Matthews he may have spoken too soon. Following is a transcript of their conversation that will air on MSNBC’s Hardball tomorrow at 7:00 pm. CHRIS MATTHEWS: Welcome, Mr. Vice President. It’s an honor to be in your presence. Let’s play hardball! JOE BIDEN: Wonderful to be here, Chris. You’re lookin’ good. MATTHEWS: (Blushing) Oh, stop! BIDEN: No, you do. Did you start going to the gym? MATTHEWS: (Squirming bashfully) No, but I did start mall walking with my wife. BIDEN: Wow! Looks like I’m gonna have to start mall walking. MATTHEWS: (giggling) Oh, Mr. President! BIDEN: Hold on, Chris. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I have to win the election first. MATTHEWS: (Slaps himself on forehead) Ha! Did I just call you Mr. President? Ha! BIDEN: I have to confess, I liked the sound of it. MATTHEWS: OK, Mr. Vice President, you recently said if you’re elected you’re going to cure cancer. But this morning you walked back from that statement. What happened? BIDEN: Well, I happened to hear something Joy Behar said on The View and realized I […]
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MALIBU – When Absinthe Carson drove her six and eight-year-old daughters to Alyssa Milano Elementary School this morning, her 11-year-old son, Leshawn X, was on a bus headed across town to Hollow Point Middle School in Compton. Instead of attending his last year at Milano, Lashawn enrolled in an inner city school he felt would better suit his cultural heritage. Hollow Point students are predominantly African American and, although Leshawn was born a white girl, he identifies as an African American man. “When Blossom told us she was transitioning to an African American man and changing her name to Lashawn X, we were ecstatic,” gushed his father, Abercrombie Carson. “Just the idea that our family would be culturally and ethnically diverse made us positively giddy. Everybody in our gated community is elated to have a black man living amongst them.” LeShawn X is a precocious 11-year-old with freckles and a winning smile. According to his parents, when he was three he complained about the lack of diversity in the family. When he was four his preschool teacher called his parents, curious about their daughter’s penchant for reading books by writers that included Huey Newton, James Baldwin and Sammy Davis Jr. […]
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WASHINGTON – During Vice President Joe Biden’s 2013 town hall forum with D.C. senior citizens about shotgun ownership, a raucous shouting match erupted over problems the seniors had with the newly implemented Affordable Care Act. The forum was initially slated to promote the vice president’s passion for shotgun ownership by shedding light on the dangers of deadly assault weapons. But within the first minutes of his presentation, residents of the Eternal Cul-de-Sac retirement community bombarded Biden with a barrage of taunts and condemnations about Obamacare. Belligerent catcalls prompted Biden to halt his speech and address the commotion. “OK, hold on, hold on,” Biden pleaded. “Now what are ya’ll so upset about?” “We don’t want to lose our healthcare!” someone shouted. “Yeah! The president lied to us!” shouted another. “OK, … now, let’s all settle down a bit, huh?” Biden folded his hands on the podium. “Apparently some of you are unhappy.” “No sh*t, Sherlock!” yelled an elderly man. “God love ya,” Biden smirked, winking at an elderly woman. “Why don’t you tell me what the problem is, mam.” “My son’s health insurance was cancelled because of that God damned Obamacare, that’s what the problem is.” “And my friends were told […]
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This afternoon democratic presidential candidate, Beto O’Rourke, caused a bit of a stir when he appeared on MSNBC with host, Al Sharpton. Following is a transcript of the interview that will air Sunday on Sharpton’s show, PoliticsNation, on MSNBC. AL SHARPTON: Welcome to PoliticsNation with your host, Reverend Al Sharpton. I’m Al Sharpton and today my guest is the democrat who came close to stealing a senatorian erection from Tom Cruise. I welcome to my own show on MSNBC, presidential concubine, Beta A’woke. BETO O’ROURKE: Thank you for having me, Al. SHARPTON: You may call me Reverend. BETO: Of course, Reverend. My bad. SHARPTON: Mr. Woke, you are one of more than twenty nominees running for the 2020 erection. What makes you stand out from the mob? BETO: Well, first let me say what a pleasure it is to be on your show. I have been an admirer of yours and the wonderful work you do for the African American community. You are truly an inspiration. SHARPTON: (raises eyebrow) Uh … huh. OK, so back to my question. What is it about you that will cause the American people to give you the erection over dozens of other participations? BETO: […]
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WASHINGTON – Early this morning North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un took to his Twitter account and began a rash of disparaging taunts directed at President Barack Obama. After a year of clownish bravado from the young dictator that included nuclear threats, few were surprised that he would attempt to provoke the president with denigrating remarks on the Internet’s popular social network. It all began around the time of Obama’s morning staff meeting when Kim Jong-Un sent out three consecutive tweets: Kim Jong-Un @dictator Obama gave me neck massage & clip toenails b4 cooking me waffles 4 breakfast 2 day. Kim Jong-Un @dictator Obama is my concubine. After my bath he bring me slippers and comb my hair. Kim Jong-Un @dictator I make President Obama wash my car after he change oil and rotate tires. #POTUS Thirty minutes passed before Jong-Un’s next tweet: Kim Jong-Un @dictator Obama shoot basketball like fat girl with greasy hands. #rosieodonnell A few minutes later the Twitter world exploded when President Obama responded to the Korean dictator with a tweet from his own Twitter account: President Obama @barackobama Chubby dictator Kim Jong-Un certainly has gall to disparage the obese + apparently he’s sexist.  #bullies #rosieodonnell Within […]
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DEARBORN, MI – After being under under the radar for the past several weeks, Vice President Biden spoke at the ‘Eye for an Eye’ mosque in Dearborn this afternoon dressed in a burqa. The vice president’s visit to commemorate the mosque’s twenty-fifth anniversary fit conveniently between his fundraiser this morning at the Forever Twilight nursing home and another scheduled this evening at Michigan’s Macomb County Prison. The American Muslims that gathered at the mosque were baffled when Biden stepped up to the podium shrouded in a burqa. The vice president did not allude to his attire but began by thanking the congregation for their hospitality and admiring the mosque’s architecture. “What a beautiful building you people have built to worship your God,” Biden said. “It’s so peaceful. In my church the priest feeds us some flesh, we wash it down with blood and we pray we don’t have to burn in the flames of Hell for eternity,” he snickered. The vice president looked at the quiet audience and tapped his microphone. “Testing one, two … is this thing working?” he chuckled, unable to rouse a response from the congregation. “But in all seriousness,” he continued, “God is good, isn’t he?” […]
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WASHINGTON – At last night’s White House State Dinner honoring former D.C. Mayor Marion Barry, Vice President Biden managed to ignite a bit of a firestorm during his address to the honoree and distinguished guests. After thanking Mayor Barry for his public service and congratulating him on his many accomplishments, the vice president strayed off-script and embarked on a bewildering oration that left some of the dinner guests uneasy and all of the guests confused. Mr. Biden’s discourse began to meander wildly when his subject matter shifted from Marion Barry to Mrs. Obama’s new haircut. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Beatles,” Biden said, “so I would be remiss if I didn’t take a moment and compliment the first lady on her lovely new hairstyle. You look beautiful, my dear. That’s a good lookin’ head of hair.” Mrs. Obama shyly waved as the dinner guests applauded. “It’s a very hip look,” he continued. “I think in the hood they call that ghetto chic. Am I right?” The vice president winked at the first lady. Mrs. Obama forced a smile as a few uncomfortable laughs pierced the silence. “And Mr. President, I know you’re excited about that new hairdo. […]
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