Stop narcissistic abuse and attract authentic love. Welcome to Silver Boundary, my advice blog for victims of abuse. I have experienced domestic violence and narcissistic abuse first hand, and as a survivor, I am here to guide others to freedom and happiness. My goal is not only to remain NO CONTACT, but also to find myself in a normal committed relationship. I believe this is possible for..
I knew he’d tell her I’d been harassing him and would be fuming hearing my decision from her. I also knew she would see the shocked look on his face (because at this point, he thought he was still in there!)
I also ‘let it slip’ that I’d moved on, knowing that information would be relayed. I gave her one last blow to pass on: I told her I hoped their friendship would continue and that he would treat her nicely. I smiled sweetly and left.
I awaited the hoover (knowing he’d want revenge)- and sure as hell I got his text , then I had my glorious moment –
Says one out of ever 5 people who I advise on recovery.
Unsurprisingly- we read about the traits: – narcissists blow hot and cold; put up a mask so their partner likes them; needy for attention; and explode angrily when pushed just that little too far over the edge; are jealous and insecure … but are you justified in your behaviour or are you as bad as they are ?
The short answer is: NO. Remember the traits of a true narcissistic personality disorder (not the ones about their love with the mirror; or their over the top showoffedness):
Narcissists are not considerate of another person’s feelings. If after your angry outburst the narcissist showed any vulnerability or true sadness, you WOULD feel sorry for them. They don’t.
Narcissists do not, and cannot feel true intimacy. If your feelings were genuine – you are not a narcissist.
Narcissists deliberately set out to hurt you. Now, as much as you want to get one up on the a****** who screwed you over, you will not go out of your way to see them in financial and emotional ruin just because they made you feel bad that one time!
Narcissists deliberately set out to erode your self worth, so you feel awful about yourself and cling onto them tighter. You don’t have this agenda, you don’t need them to feel bad about themselves so they will love you more. In fact, it could take years of sexual, financial and psychological ruin before you even THINK about attacking them – and that is definitely not the mark of a narcissist.
Any negative behaviour has likely been projected onto you – by them. That said, take a step back and look at yourself. Is this who you really want to be? Do you want to remain in a state of doubt and insecurity wasting your life plotting your next score? That’s their style, not yours.
Yesteday, I was running a workshop in London, and no surprises the subject came up – yet again.
How can you win child custody against the Narcissist?
You know you should keep stay composed, deal with the aftermath but as always, they have the razor sharp ability to find your achilles heel – and this time – it is your child.
What makes this even more annoying is that they don’t even care about the child, they care only about their performance opportunity; another game they can win; and of course having control over you and your child for as long as they can be bothered with it.
It is very difficult to become emotionally devoid but you have to muster up all the strength you possible can to NOT REACT and stick to the facts.
Narcissists lie; they believe their own lies; then they accuse YOU … of THEIR lies!
This is when you have to hone into some hidden talents of your own – and become an oscar worthy actor AND a super scheming detective: you stay one step ahead and capture all their conversations in an airtight paper trail AKA court evidence, the only thing judges really want.
Keep any evidence short and sharp; and make it ultra easy for the judge to follow. Saving them ANY trouble you can. Cross reference; type up a timeline; date stamp everything. Then present it all in the most matter-of-fact way you can.
Don’t spend valuable consultation time educating your lawyer, make sure they have enough knowledge on Narcissistic Personality Disorder before you engage them.
Courts will know how much you care about the child based on
a) the amount of time you spend with them
(and the amount of time the narcissist DOESN’T); and
b) the percentage of your income you spend on the child (and the percentage of income the narcissist DOESN’T) – so if this goes in your favour, make it clear.
I hold workshops in Manchester and London, so if you are interested find my Meetup group under Surviving Narcissistic Abuse – UK.
Have you finally taken the plunge and decided enough is enough?? You will get your power back and show the narcissist you can live without them.
This time, you promise yourself things will be different. You read everything you can about about the narcissistic personality disorder, and you know you have to do this. And for a short while, you feel strong, committed.
But darkness falls, and abusive as it was – you miss the highlighted notification – telling you a new message awaits.
You need to know what’s going on, good bad or ugly, not in a few weeks, not tomorrow, you need to know NOW.
You try and distract yourself – but nothing else matters – you want your s***ty relationship back.
Here’s the thing about narcissistic relationships. Like all relationships you are naturally attached to that certain someone, but this time it is worse, because the addiction is stronger. It’s how abuse works. The confusion, the craving, the addictive high; was MEANT to keep you hooked on them, at your own expense.
No-one said it would be easy, no-one said it would be fun. But there is light in the end, that you can’t yet see. And consider this : the narcissist can discard you at any time, and when they do – you have no way back ANYWAY, unless it is on their terms.
It makes no difference to the outcome who walks away – the narcissist doesn’t care about you either way, except you will feel less rejected and hurt, if YOU choose to do it.
Dont make this more painful than it has to be. Walk away.
It’s better to cry alone in safety; than at the hands of their brutal control.
I had so many clients tangled up with legal cases against narcissistic abusers, who claimed assets that they contributed NOTHING towards, and still screamed blue murder because the client refused to give up the TV!
The narcissist has the emotional capacity of a peanut. Which is what makes him a pathologial liar. He often tries to show any signs of sympathy, sorrow, grief etc but this is all an act. Your biggest problem here, is not his lack of emotions, but that fact that in comparison – you will come off, as being extremely emotional.
Your emotions are natural, normal, justified, but if you cannot hold yourself together in a courtroom – he will try every trick in the book to make YOU look like the abnormal, twisted, deranged one. Your answers need to be short, factual and straight to the point.
I have always maintained that victims must always find their own means of resolution, and their own path to recovery. But this is the one time, when I would absolutely force-feed a client to use guided meditations to stay calm and composed. This is also super useful if you have children with the narcissisist because you will be in a much better frame of mind when you have to deal with them.
Apart from the fact that you will appear to be more stable, you will also be able to think clearly and act fast when he plays out his manipulation in full glory.
A day when normal people choose to celebrate the love in their lives; and also a favoured holiday for the Narcissist to throw a tantrum.
See, the Narcissist wants you to remember him long after he disappears; and by choosing a public holiday, you’ll always remember him at the same time every year; whilst he’s at it and you’re feeling your most emotional – he’ll aim to subject you to ultimate humiliation.
Anyone who has been discarded by a narcissist today deserves a special congratulations because you get to spend an entire day without any put-downs; manipulation; and ice cold distance. The crazy- making is over; and you have the golden opportunity to get unhooked, break free, and pave the way for a much happier future with someone who deserves you.
There is no crystal ball, and every single relationship is different BUT there are many patterns I’ve seen over the years:
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com
The first pitfalls begin to surface 2-3 months into the relationship – where you see the first signs. You can sense he is less interested; you are confused because he insists you are special but it doesn’t always feel that way; finally – you dont care any more.
It takes around 18 months to completely get over the narcissist to a point where you can go an entire day without any reflection; flashback; or ‘fantasy argument or revenge plot’.
This is only going to work if you maintain NO CONTACT
The reason this takes so long is because an average relationship would take 3-6 months to mourn that loss, but this is not just a relationship breakdown, you are also overcoming complex ptsd; and the shock that the relationship in your mind never existed in the first place.
NO CONTACT is your friend. And I know it feels tough right now, you want the shock to pass , and pass it will, but only on one condition – keep that person out.
If you want to know if he was a real narcissist in the truest form – check this out:
Follow my blog for immediate and genuine advice on narcissistic abuse; and narcissistic personality disorders.
Please do not blindly read books and articles written by ‘psychology experts’ and general newspaper articles. I have been ‘out of this game’ for several years and simply came back to update people reading it – but I am disturbed by the myths and noise out there. And angry they are clouding the internet space stopping people from getting real help when they need it the most.
Honestly- I believe the DSM scale is also a little off.
Having a number of narcissistic traits does not make you a true dangerous evil narcissist- the type that has caused brutal insidious damage to the people who tried to get close to them.
Being selfish; arrogant ; self-obsessed; deluded; and vain are ‘annoying’ traits but they don’t even scratch the surface when it comes to the level of abuse shown by a true narcissistic.
When you have been abused by a narcissist, you won’t even realise it for a long time, then one day you set out to make sense and find the answers to your misery …
Here are traits of a real evil narcissist:
– They deliberately set out to hurt you so they can feel more powerful , this behaviour has been coined as ‘gaslighting’ where your confidence is slowly being eroded by making you doubt who you are -which makes you entirely dependent on the narcissists opinion, because you no longer trust your own.
– They have no empathy and care about nothing, or nobody, and only pretend to so they can look normal !
– They don’t ‘get’ intimacy and are not genuinely close to anyone. Intimacy to them is solely about attention, gratification, and an opportunity to degrade their partner for more control while they have them at their most vulnerable.
– No normal interpersonal boundaries – which means the ‘supplies’ in their life exist only to serve them and should expect to give up their own needs and desires for them.
Please don’t speculate- get to the truth and get real help.
OK – what I am about to say is a little controversial but hear me out…
I have never ever come across a true cluster B narcissist who has changed, they simply move onto find more compliant sources of supply … BUT … I do believe a narcissist can change if all their supply was cut off. This is the problem; they will never have a shortage of vulnerable victims who will fall prey to their manipulative tactics.
So in theory – it can happen – in the same way drug rehabilitation works, you would have to remove every single source of supply from the narcissists web where they are only allowed to communicate authentically until they are forced to survive that way, but in reality – it is unlikely.
One thing is for sure however, they will never change for you – so please don’t ever hold out for that hope. It won’t happen.
As the UK Fire Service advise … get out, and stay out.
1. He is not in the mood. He is either enraged because you asked too many questions; disappointed because you weren’t unrealistically perfect; or because he is bored so will ‘create a problem’ and find an excuse to get away.
2. He is trying to control you. He knows that by keeping you guessing; and in pain, he will remain firmly embedded in your mind. He wants this not because he cares about you, but because he enjoys watching people dying in his name. The greater your pain, the more you will yearn for him; the better he feels.
3. He knows you are onto him. He is also acutely aware that if you start investigating his behaviour you may (just like many before you) start to find the strength to get out of this traumatic hell with him. This means, his supply might start running low. The narcissist is an opportunitist so if he has encountered other people who may be more willing to give him supply without being too much of an inconvenience, he’ll be working on manipulating them instead. Putting this bluntly – he is looking elsewhere for his fix.
The question you need to be asking is not “why is he ignoring me?” but rather “why should I care about someone who is that inconsiderate to disregard my feelings?”.
If he tries to punish you with a temporary break – seriously consider giving him a permanent one.