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Positively Present by Positively Present - 5d ago



 

About a year ago, I wrote a post called Wireless Wonderland: Managing Phone Use to Stay Present, and I'd love to say that I've taken all of those tips and mastered my phone use since then, but I'm afraid quite the opposite has happened. I spend more time than ever on my phone, and it's gotten to the point that I feel out of control when it comes to my phone usage. I read recently that Americans spend and average of about three hours a day on their phones, and I was shocked. Only three hours? I spent three hours on my phone this morning. 

I spend more time on my phone than anyone I know, but I know I'm not alone in my excessive phone usage, so I thought I'd share with you the research I've been doing recently to try to combat my own issue. If you, too, are suffering from phone overuse, hopefully some of this information will be helpful. (And if you're not, I bet you know someone who struggles with this and you can pass this along!)

 

WHAT IS PHONE ADDICTION?

Okay, so let's start out what what exactly phone addiction is. There's no "official" definition of phone addiction, but I think of it as a behavior addiction characterized by the compulsive use of one's smartphone despite adverse consequences. Phone addiction is often compared to gambling addiction, but I tend to disagree with this comparison because, like with alcohol or drugs, you can quit gambling completely and still live a normal life. But, while it is possible to live without a smartphone (my dad's been doing it for years!), it's not that simple in today's world, particularly if you work in certain industries.

(However, there is one aspect of phone addiction that's very similar to gambling addiction, and that's "intermittent rewards." This means that we don't always get a positive "high" whenever we check our phones. It only happens sometimes — when we see a lot of likes on a post, when there's a new news story, when we get a text from a friend — and this makes it even more addictive than if we received a positive feeling every time we checked. Like gambling, we don't know if we're going to "win" when we check our phones, and that unpredictability keeps us coming back again and again.)

To me, phone addiction seems more like food addiction — you can't stop using your phone entirely, so you have to learn how to use it in a healthy way, just as people with food addiction can't just quit eating but, instead, have to learn how to eat in a "normal" way. Personally, as someone who struggles immensely with moderation of any kind, this is the worst possible kind of addiction to combat because it isn't an all-or-nothing situation. I can't just throw my phone away and live without it. (Yes, I probably could do this, but, let's be honest, it's not that simple in our tech-focused world.)

I'm not going to go into the ins and outs of addiction in general, but I do want to touch on one important point: addiction isn't about getting a high or feeling good. Yes, that can be a result of using a substance or engaging in a behavior that gives you a rush of dopamine, but addiction is much more complex than just seeking out a "high." Addiction is ultimately about soothing pain or calming psychological distress. Phones soothe anxiety, something a great many of us suffer from. They are, as many experts have said, "adult pacifiers." When we're bored or upset or lonely or restless, we pick up our phones as a way to soothe ourselves. 

Phones, with all that they allow us to do, are wonderful things, but when we use them as a way to soothe pain, when we use them compulsively and without purpose, we ultimately incur more pain than we soothe. 

 

SIGNS OF PHONE ADDICTION

Now that we've covered what phone addiction is (and, please, keep in mind: I'm not a professional psychologist or expert so this is all what I've personally experienced or found online), let's dive into some of the signs of addiction. In researching this post as a way to understand my own phone over usage, I found this article, which explores the signs and symptoms of phone addiction. I'd recommend checking it out if you're concerned for yourself or a loved one, but I'll some up some of the major signs of addiction here. 

  • A need to use the phone more and more often in order to achieve the same desired effect.

  • Persistent failed attempts to use phone less often.

  • Preoccupation with smartphone use.

  • Using phone to soothe unwanted feelings such as anxiety or depression.

  • Excessive use characterized by loss of sense of time.

  • Has put a relationship or job at risk due to excessive phone use.

  • Tolerance, aka, the need for newest phone, more apps, or increased use.

  • Withdrawal when phone or Wifi is unavailable.

I've personally experienced all of the above, which isn't great. I also scored a 14/15 on this Smartphone Compulsion Test, which was designed to help you identify if you or someone you know might have a phone addiction. While I'm not a doctor and can't diagnose myself based on what I read online, I clearly have some phone-related issues.

 

SYMPTOMS OF PHONE ADDICTION

Not only have I experienced all of the signs listed above, but I've also suffered from a lot of the symptoms of phone addiction. (Again, these are things I've found online so keep that in mind as you read through them. These symptoms could be caused by a number of things so phone use might not be the culprit if you've experienced any of these.) From what I've read (and experienced), phone addiction manifests itself with a number of physical and psychological symptoms, including: 

  • Eye strain. This can lead to pain, blurred vision, and headaches. (I had some really random headaches awhile back that I'm pretty sure were caused from way too much screen time.)

  • Neck / arm pain. Having been in physical therapy for months because of this, I can tell you it's no joke. I'm now in almost constant pain, and I'm so limited in what I can do with my arm (which impacts not only what I enjoy doing for fun — drawing and writing — but also has negatively impacted my work and my ability to take on new projects). Despite the pain (and the $40 per physical therapy session!), I keep on scrolling and scrolling...

  • Increased illness. Constantly touching your germ-covered phone can lead to all kinds of illnesses. Eww! 

  • Sleep issues. Phone overuse has been linked to sleep disorders and fatigue. I personally struggle to get to sleep sometimes because there's just so much to look at on my phone! I also struggle a lot when it comes to going back to sleep if I wake up in the night because I start looking at my phone and then I'm awake and scrolling. 

  • Psychological issues. Overuse has also been linked to depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder, relationship problems, and other kinds of psychological stress. I'm not going to go into this one in too much depth, but let's just say... yeah. 

  

WHAT YOU CAN DO

Did you find yourself experiencing a number of the above signs and symptoms? You're definitely not the only one. Obviously, you've got me, and, based on the tons of articles and books I found online, we're not the only ones suffering from this. So what are we supposed to do? As mentioned above, completely getting rid of the phone isn't an option for most of us. But, if you're like me and struggle with moderation, how do you combat that instinctual urge to pick up your phone, the reflex that's not so ingrained in you that you're not even thinking about it, you're just doing it? 

Physical To-Do List

  • Disable notifications. This seems to the number one recommended tip when it comes to phone addiction, but I'm not certain it's the best. I've always had my notifications disabled and it clearly hasn't stopped me from having a problem (though perhaps it's different if you have notifications and turn them off). Personally, I wonder if this doesn't encourage me to check my phone more often, since I'm not notified of when I get something, and I instead have to check every app just to make sure I haven't missed anything. If you don't have your notifications off, this might be a good place to start though. Just pay attention to make sure it's not making things worse. 

  • Consider black-and-white mode. Another tip I've seen mentioned frequently is turning your phone to black-and-white mode because the bright colors are what entice us to look at the phone and click apps. However, I've never tried this because, to be honest, I need to see what my illustrations look like on Instagram. (I could, and probably should, give this tip a try though because I can turn it on and off and, as someone who loves color, it could actually help me.) It's worth a try, especially if you're not running a business that involves lots of colors! 

  • Delete the apps you aimlessly scroll most often. Apps are designed to keep you hooked and coming back for more. As Catherine Price, author of How To Break Up With Your Phone, has written, "Instagram has created code that deliberately holds back on showing users new 'likes' so that it can deliver a bunch of them in a sudden rush at the most effective moment possible — meaning the moment at which seeing new likes will discourage you from closing the app." If you're dealing with technology addiction, meaning that if you delete it on your phone you'll just go scroll on your laptop, this might not be an effective strategy, but I've found that I do much less obsessive scrolling on my computer (and even on my iPad) than I do on my phone. Consider replacing the endless scrolling apps  — Twitter, Instagram, etc. — with ones that will actually be productive, like Kindle or another book-reading app. (Admittedly, I've deleted Twitter probably a dozen times and then reinstalled it because I "have to know what the latest news is!" so don't be discouraged if this tip doesn't work for you.)

  • Track your phone time. There are lots of apps, like Moment and Forest, designed to help you keep track of how often you use your phone. I've used them before and been astounded by how much time I spend on my phone, but, despite the shocking numbers, I didn't end up changing my behavior. The knowledge of how much you use your phone might be a put-the-phone-down prompt for some, but I think if you're really addicted, an app telling you that you're on your phone all the time isn't going to fix you. 

  • Put your phone in another room. This is another tip I see frequently, and it's definitely helped me (when I actually have the strength to do it...) Whenever I can't physically see my phone, I tend to use it less often. If your phone must be in the room with you, I recommend put it on the other side of the room or somewhere you can't see it. I've tried putting it under a blanket, and, silly as that sounds, it does seem to help a bit. Out of sight, out of mind is an old saying, but there's definitely some truth in it! 

  • Get a real alarm clock. I've read that the worst time to use your phone is right when you wake up and right before you fall asleep, which are my two favorite times to use it! I always make the excuse of "needing" my phone in my bedroom because it's my alarm, but did you know you can buy a thing that's just a clock? Haha! It's hard for me to remember the days of the good ol' alarm clock, but I'm going to invest in one so that I can keep my phone out of the room. It's great that our phones can do everything, but that doesn't mean they have to do everything. 

  • Consider a lock box. After seeing a fellow Instagrammer using a lock box with a timer to keep herself from her phone, I've been seriously considering getting one. It seems extreme, but I can only imagine what kind of work I could get done if my phone were taken from me for a few hours every day! (If you've tried this for your phone or snacks or anything, let me know if you had any luck with it. I'm very curious!)

  • Switch positions. If you must be on your phone, one of the best ways to combat potential physical ailments is to switch positions often and do exercises that will help you avoid a repetitive stress injury. As someone suffering from one now, I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to do whatever you can to avoid injury, particularly if you're not getting your addiction addressed (because you'll keep using your phone and continue to make it worse). If you have pain when looking at your phone, go to the doctor and get a professional evaluation to avoid causing more damage. 

Psychological To-Do List

As you can see, my progress has been kind of hit-or-miss when it comes to the physical attempts at conquering phone addiction. The reason most of those don't work is probably because phone addiction, like all addictions, isn't just about pleasure-seeking. It's about avoiding pain. Until I deal with the psychological issues that are causing me to reach for my phone incessantly, I probably won't be able to have a positive relationship with my phone. Here are some of the psychological tips I've read about for combatting phone addiction: 

  • Replace the habit. As I read in this very helpful article, 5 Science-Backed Ways to Break Phone Addiction, habits aren't broken; they're replaced. If you want to break a bad habit, you have to have something else to take its place. For example, if you always reach for your phone in bed, put a book there instead and reach for that (and put your phone on the other side of the room). I've tried this a few times, and whenever I do it, it works, but the trick is actually getting myself to do it, which can be really challenging. 

  • Focus on "won't" instead of "can't." This is another tip I read in the article mentioned above and it seems like a good one, particularly if you're a rebellious type like myself who tends to balk at the word "can't" and immediately wants to do whatever I'm told I can't do. Tell yourself, I won't look at my phone for the next hour, instead of, I can't look at my phone for the next hour. 

  • Listen to meditation. As much as I'd like to be, I'm not a meditator, but while strolling through Twitter last week, I came across this eating addiction meditation by Tara Brach. As I mentioned above, I really believe phone addiction is very similar to eating addiction, in that most of us can't completely cut out all phone use, so I thought this meditation might be helpful. Boy, was I right! I never thought I'd be able to listen to it for an hour, but I spend the entire time phone-free and learned so much. If you're struggling, I recommend checking it out! 

  • Consider why you're grabbing the phone. Checking your phone constantly is a symptom of a deeper psychological issue. There is something you're not addressing in your life and you're using your phone as an escape. If you don't deal with the underlying reason for your addiction, you'll find it manifesting in something else. (For example, while I've been sober for nearly eight years, I'm pretty sure this phone addiction situation is a sign that I haven't really dealt with whatever caused me to become addicted in the first place. I've just switched addictions, which I'm guessing is probably common. Since phone use seems way better than substance use, it's easy to rationalize it, but the effects of phone addiction can be devastating and shouldn't be taken lightly.)

  • Think about what you could do instead. One thing that's helped me a bit is thinking about the things I'm not doing while I'm using my phone. I'm not reading as many books. I'm not spending as much time with my friends and family. I'm not going outside often enough (though I do try to leave my phone inside whenever I go for walks!). I'm suffering arm pain so severe that I can't do many of the things I love (like drawing!). Considering what I'm missing out on sometimes snaps me out of my phone reverie (though it's certainly not a guarantee because my mind can rationalize that things on my phone — looking a inspiring art, reading thought-provoking articles, connecting with people around the world — have a lot of value, which keeps me scrolling.)

  • Remind yourself that this is serious. Problematic phone overuse might seem trivial in comparison to alcohol or drug addiction, but it can cause significant harm to those addicted and those who care about them. No, you won't overdose on your phone and die (at least I don't think you will...), but that doesn't mean the addiction can't cause major issues in your mind, in your relationships, and in your work. Most of the time when I mention phone addiction to people, they kinda laugh because it sounds silly, but if your phone use is negatively impacting your life, it's not a joke. And, like all addictions, the sooner you begin working on it, the sooner you'll be making positive progress. 

  • Seek professional help. Phone addiction is a real thing, silly as it might sound to some. And, just like other addictions, more often than not, to actually kick the habit, people need professional. It's not just a willpower thing. It's not just "put your phone down." It's a complex and complicated situation that may require the help of someone who knows what they're doing. As much research as I've done on this, I'm certainly no expert on this, and if you find that these words resonate with you, I highly recommend seeking out the help of a professional. I know it's expensive and time-consuming, but, let's face it: so is an addiction. 

 
I'd love to know your thoughts on this. Do you struggle to put down your phone? Do you wish you spent less time looking at screens? If you've ever tried to cut back on your phone usage, what techniques have you used? What's worked for you? What didn't work so well? Share below in the comments section! And if you know someone who might need to read this post, pass it along. There are so many people who feel silly talking about this, since it doesn't seem as serious as "real" addiction, and a post like this might be the motivation someone needs to seek change or professional help.

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Positively Present by Positively Present - 1w ago



IMPORTANT!! IF YOU WANT TO KEEP RECEIVING EMAILS, YOU MUST SIGN UP BELOW! :)

I'm making some changes over here at Positively Present! Right now, if you're on the email list, you receive an email every time a new blog post goes up (Monday and Friday), but I'm switching it up and getting a new email service. Important to know: 

  • If you want to keep receiving emails, you MUST sign up below. The old email service will be deleted this weekend so if you don't sign up below (or here), you'll miss out on Positively Present in your in-box. 

  • Positively Present Picks will only be available via email. Instead of a Friday blog post featuring the links I love, those links will be sent via the new email format. I know a lot of you love those weekly round-ups, so be sure to sign up below so you don't miss them! 

  • You'll receive one email every Friday, starting May 25. Rather than the Monday/Friday emails you've been receiving, you'll receive one email on Fridays, which will feature: 

    • The latest blog post
    • Positively Present Picks (a round-up of good stuff I've found over the week)
    • Fun inspiration, free downloads, and more! 

 

Sign up below to receive the weekly Positively Present Newsletter, featuring the latest blog post, a round-up of Dani's weekly finds, and additional inspiring content! Your email is safe with us! We will never send you any email spam or share your email address with any third-party vendors without your permission.  

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I've been wanting to do this — have a normal weekly newsletter instead of just blog posts delivered via email — for so long, and I'm so excited that I'm finally doing it! It's going to be awesome, and I know you're going to love it. Bear with me the next few weeks as I get used to this new process, and be sure to sign up above so you don't miss out on all of the exciting things coming your way! 
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Whether you feel love, hate, or indifference for the work you do, you're probably familiar with the anxiety that can hit at the end of the weekend when you know the workweek is upon you. Even though I'm incredibly fortunate to do what I love for a living, I still face that stressful Sunday feeling (though, admittedly, it's much less intense than when I had a typical office job, but that's mostly because I work every day so there's no true start to the week for me!).

Settling my brain down on Sundays is a challenge, but I've finally come to the realization (after over a decade of working, ha!) that it's not something that's going to ever go away. So, rather than fight it each week, I've spent some time thinking about how to cope with it the best way I can. Here the five tips that help me the most when it comes to coping with the anxiety that seems to pop up right before the workweek begins...

 

1. CREATE A CALMING RITUAL. 

There's an old saying, "A Sunday well-spent brings a week of content," that I couldn't agree with more. What you do on Sunday can really set the tone for the week. For this reason, I do my best to do something relaxing and soothing on Sundays. Ideally I'd have a fixed ritual — maybe a warm bath, a walk through the park, or a creative activity — that would signify the end of the weekend and the beginning of the week, but, for now, I just try to do at least something relaxing. (I also try to work less on Sundays, if at all, but I'm still struggling with that creative work/life balance!) If there's a way to do the same relaxing activity every Sunday, I'd highly recommend it. It'll be a nice treat for you and a great way to positively transition from weekend to workweek. 

2. PREPARE WHAT YOU CAN.

When it comes to combating anxiety of any kind, one of the most helpful things I can do for myself is to be as prepared as possible. The more prepared I am for what's to come, the less I have to worry about on the big day (even if the "big day" is just a typical Monday at work!). Whenever I've had an office job (or when I have client meetings), I always prepare my outfits the night before so I don't have to think about what I'm going to wear the next day. I set everything out on garment rack and that way I can just grab what I need and I won't have to stress about what I'm going to wear. Same goes for things like lunch, to-do lists — if there's a way to prep them ahead of time, do so! It can be a bit of a pain doing the prep work, but it'll really help you start off a stress-filled day on the right foot. 

3. STAY IN THE PRESENT MOMENT. 

If you're stressed about the week ahead, it's challenging not to worry about it, particularly on Sunday nights, when it's looming ever closer. If you're a worrier or anxiety-prone, it can be tough not to let these thoughts get the best of you (even when you know they're not good for you!). One of the best ways to combat worrying about the future is to stay in the present. Schedule engaging activities (checking out a new restaurant with friends, trying some sort of exercise you don't usually do, or creating some kind of art) that'll keep your mind in the moment and distract you from your worries. If you're doing the same old routine right before a stressful day, it's going to be tough not to worry, so find something that'll keep your mind on the present moment.

4. FOCUS ON WHAT YOU ENJOY. 

When you do find your mind venturing into that worry zone, thinking about the workweek and all you have to do (or all you've not yet done! ahh!), challenge yourself by trying to turn your attention from what you don't like (aka, what you're worrying about) to what you do like. If you don't enjoy your job, this can be tricky, but, even when I've really, really disliked a job, there's always been something positive about it — like the people I worked with, the things I was learning (about the work and about myself!), the praise I received for a job well done, etc. No matter how unpleasant the job, you're learning something, and that's worthy of your gratitude. Plus, you never know where a job will lead you, so keeping an open mind to the good things (however small!) can help combat any anxiety you might be experiencing. 

 

5. CUT DOWN ON THE VENTING. 

It's tempting to chat with a friends or partner and bring up the topic of dreading the workweek, but it's not helping you or them to spend time venting about how much you dislike Monday. The "I hate Monday" mantra is an easy way to bond with others, since most of us experience some level of workweek anxiety, but the more you say it, the more you reinforce it. Your words — and thoughts! — shape your reality. In an ideal world, you'd look at yourself in the mirror every Sunday night and say, "I love Mondays!!!," but, let's be real: you're not going to do that. So, absent of adopting a pro-Monday mantra, one of the best things you can do for your workweek anxiety is pay attention to how you think and talk about the upcoming week and, if you don't have anything positive to say, at least do your best to keep in neutral.

 

If you experience workweek anxiety, you're not alone. Having had the cry-every-Sunday-night kind of job and the I'm-so-lucky-to-what-I-love kind of job, I've encountered quite a range of workweek-related emotions, and I've come to the conclusion that, no matter what your job and how you feel about it, the start of a new week can cause a lot of anxiety and stress. I hope these five tips help you cope with any workweek anxiety you might be facing, and I'd love to know if you have any additional tips, too. Let me know what you do to cope at the start of the week in the comments below! 

 

 

Thank you to Sunday Scaries for sponsoring today's post! 

Sunday Scaries are CBD gummies that are custom formulated for anxiety. We incorporate vitamins B-12 and D-3 as mood boosters and to increase the bio-availiablity of the 10mg of CBD per gummy. The gummies taste amazing and they are manufactured with a consistent dosing of full spectrum CBD to ensure reliable efficacy every time. The gummies contain zero THC, which means they are non-psychoactive and will not get you high. They are a healthy and non-habit forming alternative for anxiety relief and can be a replacement or supplement for medication. To order the gummies, visit https://forsundayscaries.com/cbdproducts/. Use promo code positivelypresent for 10% off orders!

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"To be happy we must not be too concerned with others."

Albert Camus

 

PRINT SHOP! : thank you so much for all of the print shop love! :) 

Do It Wall Art : absolutely love this inspiring + creative pice of art

Spread Positivity : what a pretty + motivating little sticker

Pain Is Energy : such a thought-provoking way of thinking of pain

5 Journal Prompts to Help You Release Anxiety : trying these for sure

Mindfulness Workbook for Anxiety : definitely want to check this out

Dog Feelings : this Twitter account always brightens my day

Put the Phone Down + Do Something : yes, I needed to see this!!

Stop Taking Things Personally : 10 notes-to-self to help you out

How to Choose a Purpose-Filled Career : great insights in this one

The Positivity Kit : check this out for uplifting inspiration

Dog Mom Desktop / Phone Wallpaper : monthly freebies I love

Mindfulness Matters : love the idea of play therapy + this is cute!

 

Check out my reading list on GoodReads.
 

The Mortifications
Derek Palacio

Faithful
Alice Hoffman
 

I write books too! Check it out...

The Positively Present Guide to Life

Effortless Inspiration Series:
Gratitude, Living in the Moment, 
Compassion, and Forgiveness

Stay Positive: Daily Reminders
from Positively Present

    




 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some links may be affiliate links. If you click on them and purchase something, I receive a commission. There is no additional cost to you if you use these links, and I will never share links for products I haven't or wouldn't purchase myself. For more information on affiliate links, please visit the Terms of Use page. 

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"We are not in control of what lessons others are here to learn."

Unknown

 

PRINT SHOP! : new, new, new prints in the shop! check 'em out

10 Exercises to Help You Seize the Day! : perfect for staying present

Cool Gifts for Dog Moms : for all the dog moms in your life ;)

The Ultimate Guide to Saying No : word-for-word tips to help you out

5 Ways to Quiet the Negative Voices in Your Head : great ideas here

Why the Other Side Won't Listen : an interesting read from Raptitude

Surprising Self-Care Tips : four ideas that are essential for self-love

Consumption Spirals : a reminder that things aren't what make us happy

17 Tiny Changes that Make Life More Interesting : 'cause why not?!

Broken-Hearted? : check out these five ways to reframe rejection

Like-Minded vs. Like-Hearted People : definitely made me think

Haiku Productivity : I relate to this so much! less time, more done! 

One Question for a More Joyful Day : yes! love this question so much! 

 

Check out my reading list on GoodReads.
 

The Artist's Way
Julia Cameron

Faithful
Alice Hoffman
 

I write books too! Check it out...

The Positively Present Guide to Life

Effortless Inspiration Series:
Gratitude, Living in the Moment, 
Compassion, and Forgiveness

Stay Positive: Daily Reminders
from Positively Present

    




 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some links may be affiliate links. If you click on them and purchase something, I receive a commission. There is no additional cost to you if you use these links, and I will never share links for products I haven't or wouldn't purchase myself. For more information on affiliate links, please visit the Terms of Use page. 

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Print available in the shop!
 

For the past few weeks, I've been strapped in tight on an emotional rollercoaster, soaring up and whizzing down and then climbing back up again. My surgery went well and I'm recovering much more quickly than I thought I would (hooray!), and I over the past two weeks, I was amazed by the kind comments, emails, DMs, and texts I received after writing The Power of (Not) Telling Your Story. I've been filled with gratitude and love for all those who have shown me support — both in real life and online — over the past few weeks. The past few weeks have been filled with so many more positive experiences than I would have imagined. But, of course, I've also been recovering from surgery, dealing with the ups and downs of physical and emotional pain, coping with the flood of emotions that came from sharing some of what I'd been going through, and struggling, more often than I'd like to admit, to stay positive. 

Awhile back, I'd jotted down some questions for myself in my Notes app when I was having a tough time, and I accidentally stumbled across them again last week, just when I needed them most! (It's funny how that happens, isn't it? The things you need to see always seem to find you when you need to see them!) I thought I'd share them with you this week since they've really been helping me when I feel like my emotions are getting the best of me. 

I don't know about you, but I tend to get stuck in my own head way too often (a side-effect of being an introvert, I suspect!), and sometimes I get so lost wandering around in there that I forget that I can take action, rather than just allowing my emotions to guide me around. Here are some of the questions I've been asking myself when I'm feeling negative, overwhelmed, or just spending too much time thinking about things that aren't productive for my mental health. 

First, I like to check in to see if I've been engaging in any not-so-healthy activities that might be leading me down the road to Negative Town. I ask myself...

HAVE YOU BEEN...

  • Scrolling endlessly online? 
  • Worrying unnecessarily? 
  • Comparing yourself to others?
  • Abusing any substances? 
  • Pacing around aimlessly? 
  • Overanalyzing other people?
  • Eating food that's unhealthy?
  • Spending money needlessly?
  • Focusing on stressful subjects?
  • Hanging with negative people?
  • Thinking only about yourself?

If I've answered yes to any of those, I know I'm not on the path to Positivity City, and I need to reroute myself. Sometimes this can be more challenging that I'd like it to be. As much as I know I want to be more positive, negativity can be so alluring (and, having spent so much of my life with negativity as my default, it's also oddly comforting). So, in order to venture down a more positive path, I have to convince myself to take an action that I know will shift my mindset. Here's what I ask myself to get started...

HAVE YOU TRIED...

  • Creating something? 
  • Taking a relaxing bath?
  • Calling a friend to chat?
  • Reading a new book
  • Practicing some yoga?
  • Listening to music
  • Going for a walk? 
  • Helping someone else?
  • Learning something?
  • Playing with Barkley?
  • Completing a task?
  • Being grateful?

More often than not, one of those things will inspire me to get up (usually out of my bed, where I can be found most often, scrolling through my phone for hours, ugh!) and try something that'll help me get out of my head and out of my rut. Experiencing emotions (even the negative ones) is never a bad thing, but if you find yourself overanalyzing everything, stressing to the point that it's all you can do, or ruminating on things that are out of your control, it's not helpful to stay in that emotional state. These questions prompt me to get out of Negative Town and make my way to Positivity City. These are obviously tailored to my preferences, but I highly recommend making your own list of "Have You Tried..." to keep on hand when you're in your head and need to get out. I'd love to hear what you'd include on your list! Let me know in the comments below! 

 


 

 

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"If you only walk on sunny days, you'll never reach your destination."

Paulo Coelho

 

PRINT SHOP! : new, new, new prints in the shop! check 'em out

Even If You Don't Feel Ready : "there's no telling where a ripple might lead"

How I Learned to Stop Absorbing Others' Emotions : so important!

Warm Ocean Mind : love this way of thinking about mindfulness

Legendary Ladies: 50 Goddesses to Empower and Inspire You

The Evolution of the Alphabet : for all you fellow letter lovers out there

Suffering from Imposter's Syndrome? : this tweet will speak to you

Much Loved : awww, a book of photographs of old stuffed animals 

The Legacy of Childhood Trauma : sad, but so worth the read

Pain x Resistance : you can't avoid pain, but you can avoid suffering

Amazing Pencil Drawings : Heather Rooney is so incredibly talented

MONDAY : bookmarking this image for every Monday forever

Tomorrow I'll Be Brave : this looks like such a cute kids' book!

 

Check out my reading list on GoodReads.
 

Legendary Ladies: 50 Goddesses to 
Empower and Inspire You
Ann Shen

My Name Is Lucy Barton
Elizabeth Strout


 

I write books too! Check it out...

The Positively Present Guide to Life

Effortless Inspiration Series:
Gratitude, Living in the Moment, 
Compassion, and Forgiveness

Stay Positive: Daily Reminders
from Positively Present

    




 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some links may be affiliate links. If you click on them and purchase something, I receive a commission. There is no additional cost to you if you use these links, and I will never share links for products I haven't or wouldn't purchase myself. For more information on affiliate links, please visit the Terms of Use page. 

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Since 2009, I’ve been here on Positively Present, writing about my life and the various challenges I’ve faced in my quest for living more optimistically and mindfully. I’ve written about the ups and the downs, the loves and the losses, the positive progress and the painful setbacks. I’ve written about tough topics, like my sobriety, and easy ones, like the publication of my first book. But, since 2015, I’ve only briefly touched on a set of circumstances that have altered my entire life.

I’ve avoided the details because I didn’t want to hurt or embarrass other people. I kept quiet because that’s what “respectable” people do. I also kept quiet because what had happened — the sex, the surgeries, the shame, the embarrassing behaviors I tolerated, the pills, the anger and anxiety, the suicidal thoughts — didn’t feel very “positively present.”

But last night I got all fired up. I’m going to finally write about it!, I told myself. I’m going to write about ALL of it, and I don’t care who reads it or what they have to say! My heart was pumping with excitement, and I was convinced that this was it — the writing was what would free me from the heartache, telling my story would set me free from all of this pain. I pulled out all of my old journals, the notebook filled with scrawled, sad poetry, and leafed through them. I’ll put it all out there, I thought, And maybe I’ll even just put all of these journal entries up as they are! I’ll be so brave, sharing my story in such a raw way!  

I looked up an old Anne Lamott quote — “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” — and lettered it with a fierce excitement. Yes, I thought to myself, I will write about it all, every little thing, and he will read it and he will finally understand how much it hurt — and still hurts— and then… And it was in the midst of that thought when I realized it: this wasn’t about my own healing or even (as I’d tried to convince myself) about helping someone else through a similar situation. It was about him.

Sharing all of the pain — the trysts and the surgeries and the disappointments and the lonely nights and the rejected invitations and the tear-soaked pillowcases and the loss of so much damn time — was still, for me, about getting him to really see me. I could tell myself otherwise — “This will be healing!” or “Sharing what I’ve been through will help others!” — but, embarrassing as it is to admit, it was really about getting his attention, about somehow convincing him that what had happened — something that wasn’t his fault but that he certainly had a part in — meant that he owed me something.

Over the course the three and a half years we were spending time together, he told me countless times not to have hope. But I did anyway. Hope can be an amazing thing, but there’s a reason it was found in Pandora’s box, beneath all of the world’s evils. It can cause a great deal of heartache, too.

Despite what he said and did — and, more importantly, didn’t do — I continued to believe all of this pain would live up to that old Ovid quote, “Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you.” I never wrote about the truth of it — never even mentioned him here over the course of the past nearly four years — because I thought to myself, Someday this will all make sense and I don’t want to write anything that might upset him or make it even more difficult to have hope. I will be patient. I will be tough. I will be quiet and good.

Over the weekend, as I was gathering my "evidence" — Look at all of the misery I wrote about in my journal! Look at all of these words he said to me that I’ve written down word-for-word! Imagine how good it will feel to put this all out there for everyone to see! — I was focused on the opposite of being quiet. I was going to be LOUD. I was going to scream every ounce of truth onto the screen until my fingers were numb from typing. I was going to be fierce and brave and unbelievably raw.

But here’s the thing: screaming the truth won’t make him hear me. Telling everyone what happened, what it’s been like for me since the summer of 2015, won’t make him do the things I wish he would do. Words, no matter how powerful, won’t turn a man into someone he is not meant to be.

Writing might be cathartic for me, but sharing this story with the world isn’t necessary for me to recover from this. He isn’t necessary for me to recover from this. He might be the catalyst for this story, but he isn’t the author. I am.

It’s my story to tell — and maybe someday I will — but, for now, as I prepare for my fourth (!!!!) surgery tomorrow, I’m going to do what I should have been doing all along: I’m going choose compassion over comparison. I’m going to remind myself that a person who can act with indifference in the face of another’s pain must be in pain himself. I’m going to focus on healing over hoping. I’m going to remind myself that people are not projects, and the only pain I can truly mend is my own.

Yes, I own this story. Yes, I can yell it as loudly as I’d like, for the world to hear. And part of me still does want to write every detail, to put all of the sex and the scars into words so that I can feel the freedom of having finally said it all. But when it comes to telling our stories — the good, the bad, the oh-god-why-is-this-my-life — I’m realizing that peace probably won’t come from pushing publish on a post. Peace won’t come from having someone else see my pain. Peace comes from feeling that pain, living through it, and moving forward without dragging it behind you.

Maybe putting it all in writing would be like leaving behind a heavy bag on a hard trek. Maybe setting it down would make the rest of this climb a little easier for me. But maybe, just maybe, I can put the bag down without putting it into words. Maybe there’s more to being a survivor than sharing the story of your survival. (Or maybe I’m about to write a tell-all book putting it all there, ha!)

Whatever I end up sharing or keeping to myself, I hope this post serves as a reminder that, yes, you have a right to tell your story, but just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should. You own your stories. Tell them if you want, but don’t forget that it’s not the telling that will set you free. You have to do that all on your own. 

 


 

 

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"We do not escape into philosophy, psychology, and art. 
We go there to restore our shattered selves into whole ones." 

Anaïs Nin

 

PRINT SHOP! : thanks for all of the support! :) check out the shop!

Are We Friends on Pinterest? : if not, we should be! follow along! 

5 Second Reminders That Will Keep You Calm : yesss needed these

Drop the Mask : a great read on choosing to live an authentic life

BAGGU Bags : my go-to shopping bags (I love this design!)

How I Learned to Love Myself : a must-read piece on self-love 

4 Things Procrastinators Need to Learn : good insights here!

Reverse Bucket List : love the idea of this from Mari Andrew

Snacks : beautiful typography that made me laugh. win-win!

10 Ways to Refresh in the Spring : a fresh start is always lovely

Stop Technology Addiction Cards : I honestly think I need these

 

Check out my reading list on GoodReads.
 

Legendary Ladies: 50 Goddesses to 
Empower and Inspire You
Ann Shen

A Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo
Jill Twiss


 

I write books too! Check it out...

The Positively Present Guide to Life

Effortless Inspiration Series:
Gratitude, Living in the Moment, 
Compassion, and Forgiveness

Stay Positive: Daily Reminders
from Positively Present

    




 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some links may be affiliate links. If you click on them and purchase something, I receive a commission. There is no additional cost to you if you use these links, and I will never share links for products I haven't or wouldn't purchase myself. For more information on affiliate links, please visit the Terms of Use page. 

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