This blog is my outlet to share the hurt and pain of my infertility. DOR, Endometriosis, and finally Asherman's Syndrome have plagued our past 4 years with loss and heartache. We ultimately turned to Donor Eggs at CCRM to create our miracles. With the help and love of one of our surrogate, our twin boys were born on July 16, 2015 and just 5 months later, our miracle baby girl was born.
Maybe not the right title. Then again, maybe it is.
I blogged awhile back about our hope to donate our embryos. (While I would have loved to potentially have an open relationship with whoever adopted them, the time and energy to move them, and find someone, was just more than I can do with how much we have going on in our life. At the end of the day, I'm thrilled that they won't be destroyed, but are continued to be looked after by the best lab in the country and are currently on a list for hopeful would-be-parents that are at the end of their infertility journey and this is their only remaining option. While I definitely had a good cry over this, it was right for us. They have a chance of life. And that gives me peace.
I know donating embryos that we worked so hard for is very difficult for some people to imagine. But remember, our family is here because of not one, but two incredibly amazing people that donated themselves or pieces of themselves to make us parents. Third party reproduction is how we came to be a family of 5. So if I can give my remaining three embryos a chance at life, and help other couples the same way I was helped, how is that not a win-win for me in a really amazing way? Dr. G at CCRM also said that while the program is anonymous, he is also willing to inform me when they are adopted and let me know if there is a successful pregnancy. Again, this makes me happy. Just knowing.
I also, obviously don't blog like I used to. I don't text and email with friends the way I used to either. Life is chaos. Crazy, amazing, busy, and exhausting, but wonderful chaos. So something has to give. I have to be present in the moment with my three babes, because unlike the folks that spread their children out by, you know, a year or so, I have to do it right the first time, have no regrets. No do overs.
So I miss talking to all of you. I miss the updates, I miss the comments, and just the relationships I shared from this journey. I think of all of you so often, and I'm thankful that I still get to follow along with a lot of you on social media. I will not close this blog. I've had too many people find it helpful. A lot of my issues were rare and didn't have a lot of information out there. It makes me happy to be a resource to others. And I still welcome the emails that occasionally come to me from women that are in search of answers in DOR or Asherman's Syndrome, Donor Eggs and Surrogacy.
From time to time, I will try to post updates about our little family. I'm proud of them. So I enjoy sharing how we're doing. I also have topics from time to time that I may post about. It just may not be often. (i.e. extended breastfeeding and sleep consults are kind of in the works right now, so may make a good future post.)
I never thought anyone would make my heart flutter the way my husband does.
And then I met my sons. Their giggles, laughs, kisses and even there general every day shenanigans simply light up my world.
The past two years have been a blur. I still can't believe that they are mine. That for the rest of my life, I get to see who and what they will become. I'm honored to be there mom.
And I'm thankful for the women that gave them to me. Goose, our egg donor and of course, Kelly, who carried them when I couldn't. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of these women and say a simple prayer of gratitude for the amazing gift they have given me.
Britton is our shy, sweet, meticulous little problem solver. He's 28 pounds of love. Casey is the 29 pound instigator of all things trouble. And has the laugh and smile to go with it, to make it absolutely impossible to be stern.
These boys are my world. And on Saturday, they turn two.
When I was trying so hard to become pregnant for all those years, I never really gave a ton of thought to breastfeeding. I knew I wanted to try it. But I really didn't set a lot of expectations. One way or another.
Then Liddy arrived and it just "took". There was no painful latches, cracked or bleeding nipples. It just worked. When she was a month old, I developed a yeast infection nipples which, wasn't a ton of fun, but we treated it, and moved on. I made it to 6 weeks, then 3 months, then 6 months of exclusively breastfeeding. Quite frankly, I was amazed at myself.
So we kept going. I decided, might as well shoot for a year. A year came, and a year went. And the breastfeeding continued. She's never slept through the night. She doesn't even sleep in her crib. She doesn't soothe herself to sleep, and usually has to be nursed to sleep at night. And you know what? I'm okay with all of that. She is healthy and happy. I love seeing her sweet, sleeping face lying between us at night. There's a day where she won't sleep with us and I know I'll miss it. So for now, it's our normal. It's not for everyone, but it works for us.
So many people have said their babes kinda just weaned themselves around year one. Liddy is pretty adamant about her mama and her mama's "babas". Well, lets be honest, we kinda go together, so not sure which she's really more into. But here we are, knocking on the door of 18 months old and I don't see any signs of her being ready to wean.
I've had in my mind that we'd be done sometime in her second year. I've never imagined that I would be a mom, nursing a toddler. But here I am. But I guess I'm just letting her take the lead on this one. I asked her last night, what she would say if I said "no more babas"? She burst into tears. Point taken, Liddy.
This is all new and different for me. I don't have friends that nursed this long and while no one has said anything to me (friends or family) in a negative way, I know they are somewhat surprised that it's still going.
My breasts went from a 32D to a 32G by week 12 of my pregnancy and they have pretty much stuck there. So, trust me, if she were done, I wouldn't argue. I'll probably be knocking on the door of a plastic surgeon begging for a reduction when it's all over with.
She's the only baby I will ever carry. The only baby I'll ever get to breastfeed. Shouldn't I just try and have as few of regrets as possible during this most precious time in her life?
My littles are quickly approaching 18 months and 2 years old. I know I don't blog often anymore. With three toddlers, the time is just not there anymore. But, I do hope for updates over the next few months, so stay tuned!
She's HERE! I have to apologize for the delay, but it's been a heck of a week and a half.
But...my little girl arrived on December 11th at 8:07 pm. She weighed 7 pounds 9 ounces and was 21 inches long (I question that length being accurate as she was about 19 inches a few days later). I was 36 weeks and 4 days.
My water broke (at work of all places) on Thursday, December 10th around 3:45 pm. After a tiny bit of mayhem, I made it to L&D only to find out I wasn't dilated. They wanted to see if I would start on my own, but nope! Around midnight I was put on Pitocin. An hour or so later, they administered the epidural.
Now, I always assumed I'd get the drugs for labor and delivery of a baby. And many people on that day said, "don't be a hero, get the drugs". I will tell you right now that is my biggest regret. The epidural made me the most miserable of any other part of my labor. For this reason. I got "wet tapped". Google it. But it basically means that they went to far. They punctured my dura. This meant that they had to give me the meds for the epidural very slowly because of the intense effect it would have. My lower body was complete dead weight. I couldn't feel them at all and even worse, for about 8-10 hours my legs felt asleep. Like the pins and needles asleep feeling. It pretty much drove me insane. To the point that I finally told them to turn the epidural meds way down so I could have feeling back.
By around 5 pm, on Friday, December 11th, I was finally dilated to a 10. We pushed for over 2 hours but she wouldn't budged past my pelvic bone. The doctor didn't think she was going to be able to get past it. She said I could push for another hour, but she just didn't see it working. So c-section it was.
At 8:07, my beautiful Liddy Rose arrived into this world as perfect as she could be. I will never ever forget those moments. The moment in which we became a perfect family of five. When my family was officially complete.
The next day, my cup runneth over when my boys "strolled" into the room. It was in that moment that I broke down in tears. One, I'd been away from them for 2 full days. Two, I had all my children together, in one place for the first time.
I wish I could say that things were super easy and smooth sailing from there. They weren't exactly. We were discharged on Monday, December 14th. But on Tuesday, Liddy was looking a wee too yellow and we had her bilirubin checked. It was 19. WAY too high. She was immediately admitted into the NICU and put under lights. That same day, my headaches from the last 2 days intensified. This was something I was told to watch out for from the anesthesiologist. I was told to go to triage (2 floors down from the NICU) and it was confirmed that I was having spinal headaches from the wet tap. So in between feeding Liddy in the NICU, I had to have a blood patch to try and fix the wet tap. Luckily it worked and the headaches went away immediately. But having a second epidural knowing that the same thing could happen again...was NOT fun.
The next two nights. I stayed at the hospital. Walking the halls at night (less than a week after my c-section) every few hours to feed my little girl. Luckily my milk had come in around the same day she was admitted. I like to think that I helped in a small way with getting her out of there and home quickly. On Thursday, December 17th, we finally went home for good.
It was so hard being away from the boys for so long and especially hard knowing I couldn't pick them up. The restrictions from the c-section AND the blood patch were pretty clear on that. It sucked. I won't lie.
The past 5 days have been a bit of a blur. We have 3 babies age 5 months and under. Pretty freaking amazing, but pretty exhausting too. Especially while recovering. But I'm doing great...and so is she. And so are my boys! We're finding a decent little rhythm and luckily have had family in town to help us.
My husband was my hero through all of this. Everything he's done and continues to do makes me realize how lucky I truly am to have him. I look at him and these beautiful children and trust me, I know how blessed we are this very special Christmas.
My precious little loves are 4 months old. While I won't have a true statistic update until next week, I can't help but post about how simply amazing they are. They both have such sweet and very distinct personalties. They've also started sleeping about 8.5 hours per night. Their very pregnant mama REALLY appreciates this little gift.
Meet Casey, aka Twin A
Casey was and still is a chill little dude. Even in utero. He spent much of his 9 months in the lower corner or Kelly's uterus curled up and super content. He has stayed true to those first glimpses of his personality. He's perfectly content being put down anywhere, but also absolutely loves to literally melt into your chest when you hold him. He has a lip quiver that will literally turn you into a puddle. If he keeps that little quirk, I'm pretty sure he could get away with anything. He's my sweet, sensitive soul. He's more reserved with his smiles, but when he does give you one, it lights up the room. I'm completely wrapped around his chubby little finger. He loves his bottle. Just check out those cheeks and you'll see that is no joke. He definitely is a bit rounder than his brother, but has typically been about 1/2 pound less than Britton. Curious to see if that is still the case come next Wednesday at their 4 month wellness appointment.
Meet Britton, aka Twin B
Britton was all over the place in utero, keeping Kelly up at all hours and giving nurses fits at the hospital just to keep monitors on him. He's sassy and full of spunk. He wants to be held. A lot. And not just held, but walked around. It's like an instant soother. He also has some of the most awesome facial expressions I've ever seen. No doubt this is my funny guy. He adores being talked to. One of his favorite things is sitting on his daddy's lap and this weird little "thing" they do. I can't even explain it, other than to say, it's hilarious and he loves it. He also loves baths with his mama. He likes to eat, but he's not necessarily a "finish every single drop, every single time" like his brother is. He's got chins for days (I've included a special picture just to show you how many), but he seems a little more dispersed than Casey with his weight.
Both little guys are getting stronger and stronger with their neck and back strength. I'm so so proud at how far they've come since their days as wee little things in the NICU!
It's still difficult to wrap my head around how blessed we are. I can't imagine these two not in my life. I can't imagine not coming home to them or waking up to their sweet, smiling faces. I wouldn't trade these moments in their life for anything in the world. I only wish I could keep them little forever. But then, I also look forward to all the stages of their lives.
Here's how much they love each other...most of the time. ;)
I haven't posted a ton about my pregnancy. I guess life has been so focused on the boys at this point, that most everything revolves around them. I take care of myself and I'm enjoying the pregnancy as much as I can, but they are here smiling at me every single day, so it's hard not to talk about them, them and well, more of them.
So...here's a bit of an update on HER. Her name is Liddy Rose. We didn't keep it secret as we did the boys. It's a name we always liked and decided on it as soon as we knew this was a little girl. We wanted something that was an updated version of my mother's name but not the same. Her name was Linda.
I've been monitored very, VERY closely this entire pregnancy. I am or have been at a high risk for placenta issues; placenta previa (don't have), placenta accreta (or percreta), preterm labor and incompetent cervix (don't have). So this entire pregnancy I've had cervical checks, monthly ultrasounds and multiple visits to the MFM. Not that I mind the extra monitoring, I don't, for even a second with all we went through to have this little miracle right here in front of us, and only a few months away from being able to hold her in our arms.
The issues that have come up are marginal cord insertion, which they aren't concerned about, especially since it can cause growth restrictions, but for her, it has not in the least. So it's just something they watch.
Echogenic bowel. So if you remember, the boys BOTH had this as well from 20 weeks on. This is supposed to be rare. It also canbe a soft marker for downs syndrome, cystic fibrosis or a virus such as Toxoplasmosis or CMV. We've gone through multiple screens for down syndrome and we're at very low risk. Trevor was genetically tested at CCRM and is not a carrier for CF, so again, an extremely low risk there. I was tested for the above mentioned viruses and I was negative. So just like Kelly and the boys we have this fluke that we just watch that it seems will be nothing, just like it was nothing with the boys. I certainly am less freaked out about it after going through this before and knowing it really can mean nothing at all. But so strange that all three of my children have this odd little fluke in utero.
I also failed my 1-hour glucose test. I was pretty nervous going into the 3-hour but I got word yesterday that I passed! To add that complication to the mix would have been pretty stressful. But because Liddy is measuring at about 75th percentile, I was thinking it really was a good possibility that I would fail.
I also have regular Braxton Hicks, sometimes every few minutes. However, I was monitored in L&D one night and they aren't effecting my cervix at all. I just need to try and take it easy when I can. Hard to do that with all I have going on, but, I'm doing my best. Luckily, sitting or lying down tends to make them stop.
Lastly, placenta accreta. They've been monitoring me for this since week 20. I've seen the MFM twice and their is an area of concern, but they aren't ready to call it accreta yet. However, at 34 weeks I'll be seeing him again and they'll be looking for a more concrete decision on that area and how to proceed. If it is an accreta or potential accreta, I'll be having a c-section and most likely a hysterectomy. IF they do the hysterectomy, I've requested that they remove my ovaries as well. My biggest concern obviously, for all of this is the recovery. Not only will I have a newborn, but I'll also have 5 month old twins. To think about how long I'll be down and not able to truly care for them hurts my heart. But, I also want Liddy to be delivered as safely as possible for her and me. I've asked that my ovaries be removed in that instance because of my family history. My mother's ovarian cancer was very aggressive and resistant to chemotherapy. I've also found links to endometriosis and that specific cell type of cancer. If they are in there removing parts, I'd rather go through a bit of menopause vs. risking the chance of my babies having to lose their mother and my husband losing his wife. My mother died only 14 years older than I am right now. This is something I was planning on doing in about 5 years regardless. I've put a lot of thought into this and while I know that it's a big decision, we've been beyond blessed in ways that can not be measured this year. I could not feel more complete with our little family.
So I'm going into this with no birth plan. I've waited too long and worked too hard to stress over how she comes into the world. The fact that she does in fact come into the world safely is my plan.
My due date is January 4th. We kinda hope she's born in December just so we can say all our babies were born in 2015. How crazy. But whenever she arrives, we will be over the moon. It's a happiness that I wish for anyone and everyone that wants so badly to hold their child in their arms. We are in a far different place than we were just one year ago.
How far along: The above picture was taken today - 30 weeks
Total weight gain? This is a point of stress for me. I've gained 37 pounds this pregnancy. Seems like an awful lot for a singleton. My doctor doesn't seem to concerned, but with 10 weeks left, I'm a bit nervous!
Maternity clothes? Yes. I can wear my pre-pregnancy leggings, but everything else is maternity.
Stretch marks? Still none... just biding my time though.
Sleep: Ha. This is a funny one. Between 3 month old twins, going pee every hour and being overall uncomfortable, I'm pretty sure sleep is just a thing of my past. And that's okay!
Best moment this week: Passing my 3-hour glucose test after failing my 1-hour. Whew!!
Miss anything? Sushi and red wine. But giving it up has been absolutely worth it a million times over.
Movement: Lots and lots of this! And it's really kicked into high gear these past few weeks. I love every little kick!
Food cravings: Pasta, french fries, apples and ice cream. Probably why I'm up 37 pounds.
Anything make you queasy or sick? Haven't felt queasy since the first trimester, thank goodness.
Gender: A little miss.
Labor Signs: Braxton Hicks seem to be a regular thing for me. Mostly when I'm up walking around a lot or cleaning, etc. When I sit or lie down, they stop.
Symptoms: Just back pain and pelvic bone pain. I'm seeing a chiropractor and massage therapist to help. I'm sure it's because not only am I carrying this baby inside me, but also carrying two on the outside, so this is no surprise. Also have a bit of heartburn and I'm stuffy a lot at night.
Belly button in or out? It's WAY out. I always had a borderline outtie...so it's been out since about 20 weeks.
Wedding rings on or off? Still on
Looking forward to: My 34 week ultrasound with the MFM to really have an indication of what kind of labor this will be.
Her sweet profile
It appears our baby girl will hold her own against her brothers. Check out her biceps!
I think she looks like Casey.
Luckily, we got the majority of her nursery done before we left for Texas. Only had a few finishing touches when we got home. Funny. We use her nursery a lot right now when we are both changing or rocking the boys. It comes in pretty handy having two! (Liddy's room is Stella the cat's favorite place to be)
I'm long overdue on this post. It's shameful really. I never even did a ONE year post for Liddy. Actually, that's a lie. I started one like twice, but never finished and never posted it. But, the struggle is REAL to actually do anything other than keep three tiny humans alive. And I'm managing that, so we'll call it a win.
My little Liddy Rose. They don't get much sweeter, much happier, and more of a delight than this little one. Our world maybe filled with chaos and very little sleep, but wow, I wouldn't want it any other way, because my world would not be the same without her. Our trio was simply meant to be ours.
Here's what's new with her:
She weighs 19 1/2 pounds and is in the 50th percentile. She started walking around 11 months, and since she's been watching her brothers for so long, once she started, she was really good at it! She currently has 3 teeth, with 2 more about to pop through. She was definitely on the later end on getting teeth, but so was I apparently. Her feet are tiny, well, she's pretty little in general, so I guess that makes sense. She still wears a lot of 6-12 months. Most 12-18 month brands are huge on her. She's just now fitting into some size 3 shoes. Interesting considering how long she's been walking and how hard it is to find shoes with soles smaller than a 4. She says moo, mama, dada and (kinda) tickle. It comes out "ticka ticka ticka" whilst proceeding to tickle us or her brothers. Oh, and she roars. She LOVES books. Probably more than the boys do. At least, she has more patience to sit and finish a book. She still naps 2x a day and sleeps sorta, at night. Mostly in our bed and she nurses 3-4 times per night. Usually for comfort. It's what works for us, so I go with it. She's a happy, healthy baby. She eats fairly well. Maybe not quite like her brothers do, but I can't complain.
I had a lot of emotions going into her 1st birthday. This little girl still astounds me every single day and I struggle to really believe that she's mine. I have from the very beginning. I don't know how or why I was blessed with such an amazing miracle, but from the bottom of my heart I am grateful, every single second of every day.
Here are a few snaps from her "Winter ONEderland" birthday party.
I think back over the years of Thanksgivings where I put on a smile, but my heartache never allowed me to fully be "thankful". Of course, I was thankful for Trevor, my family, my friends...but so much was missing. My mom...this was her favorite holiday and she died just one week prior. I also had our first miscarriage on the anniversary of her death. The memory of what we went through that Thanksgiving with two separate D&C's in the same week, is still very vivid.
Last year, our Thanksgiving was amazing. It was just the four of us, with Liddy's arrival just weeks away. And yes, I was thankful beyond measure and so hopeful for our family of five. This year, my heart literally burst with pride and joy. I will always miss my mom on Thanksgiving. But I also try and remember her by carrying on little traditions that were so dear to her heart.
I continue to be grateful for all who made it possible for the blessings we've received. Our egg donor Goose. And especially, my sweet, sweet forever friend and extension of our family, Kelly, her husband and children for carrying our boys. I still hope that one day soon we can do for someone else what they have done for us.
Our Thanksgiving was not without chaos. What day isn't in our household? We had one sick little one. Luckily, it was a 24 hour bug and Casey was back to his old self by Friday.
We're less than 2 weeks away from Liddy's 1st birthday and I have so many emotions right now. Knowing all my babies will be a year and won't be babies anymore. It definitely is tugging at my heart. I'm exited for their next stages, but sad to say goodbye to what's been an amazing year of firsts for us.
A quick update, Liddy AND Britton are walking. Luckily Britton walked a few weeks before her, so he won't have to live with his baby sister walking first for the rest of his life! It was awfully close though. Casey is running. They are all so happy and have such unique personalities.
So yes, I'm thankful. And blessed. And love every crazy, chaotic, insane, and beautiful moment.
My little girl is 10 months old. Well, technically a little over that now. But I'm not exactly on the ball these days. Is there any wonder? Cause if there is, there shouldn't be.
Liddy lights up my world. It breaks my heart just a little to know my baby is just a few short months away from being one. And then...my babies won't be babies anymore.
Things to know about Liddy:
She loves her brothers. Most of the time. Except when:
1) They take her toys 2) They knock her down 3) They hog "mama time" (this is a biggie)
She's happy most of the time. Except when:
1) Mama isn't holding her 2) She can't see Mama 3) Mama's boob isn't out
She sleeps. Well, rarely.
She naps at most an hour, two times a day if we're lucky. She nurses till 8:30(ish) and goes down in her crib. Sometime between 10pm and 1pm, she wakes up and nurses again. Goes back to her crib. Wakes up again around 4:45am. Nurses again. Between 5:15 and 5:45, she's wide awake.
So. Mama is exhausted. Daddy is exhausted. We're going on over 15 months of not sleeping through the night. And it's catching up to us. We're cranky, irritable and just generally not much fun right now. And while many have suggestion for us to let her cry it out. Her tendency to make herself vomit within 5-10 minutes of that and the fact that I know, she's crying for ME, and I refuse to diminish in even the slightest way, that beautiful demeanor she has, we've decided that's not for us. So, we continue on. In hopes that in the coming months, she'll begin to wean herself from a feeding or two.
Eating. She kinda eats. More likes sucks on her food and then spits it out. She likes pouches that she can hold and suck on. She's still obsessed with oatmeal baby cereal. Probably because it's laced with breastmilk, but if I want to get food in her belly, I know that's the sure-fire way to do it. Oh, and those little freeze dried yogurt snacks. Her eyes literally light up when I hold up the bag.
She weighs 18 1/2 pounds. (ish) She wears size 3 diapers and size 6-12 month clothes or 9 months, depending on the brand I guess. The 12 month clothes still swallow her. She also wears a size 2 shoe. So apparently she got my little feet.
She loves to push things. Anything. Toys, laundry baskets, diaper pails. You name it. She'll push it. She gets that from Casey. She loves her mama. Her whole world lights up when I walk in the room. And yes, my heart melts into a giant puddle. She likes to play quietly and independently. I love it when she does this. She can be very meticulous with whatever she's playing with. It's so sweet. She likes to drum on her brothers heads. She's standing for 10-20 seconds. Has been doing this for several weeks now, so I know it's only a matter of time before she walks. Heaven help us.
Breastfeeding is still going well. I still pump 2-3 times at work 3 days a week and nurse her the other 4 days and at night. For someone that never thought I'd enjoy breastfeeding, I never want to stop. I can't even think about stopping. So I won't. Moving on.
We recently did one year photos for all three. I thought it made most sense to split the difference between their birthdays. Not to mention October is the perfect time of year. I'll post them in the next few weeks when we get them back. I will say, getting images of 3 babies, happy AND still, is well, challenging. Hopefully there are a few that are good!
I'm busy planning her 1st birthday and I can't wait. It's going to be perfect! Will definitely be sharing all the details on her as the time comes.
The boys just turned 15 months, so I'll have another update in the next week! Stay tuned!!
After almost 12 weeks of spending every minute with my little guys, today was my first day back at work. I'll admit, the anticipation of today over the past week, was probably harder than this morning actually was. Every time I thought about leaving, I cried. This morning, I made it out of the door with just watery eyes and my lip poking out. I'm almost through the day and counting down the minutes to head home.
Our little guys are doing amazing. Growing like crazy, seriously, these guys are some major chubba wubs. See for yourself. We have arm rolls, chubby cheeks and chins for days. I sometimes can't believe they are the same 3 plus pounders we first met in July.
I hope that one day they understand the reasons I had to return to work vs. staying home with them...which I would prefer. Right now I just have a bit of guilt and jealousy. Guilt because I wonder if they are confused by my absence. Jealousy because someone else gets to see their cute smiles and little daily progress of developmental changes. I want that to be me. But for them and for my family, I work. Luckily, my job has agreed to allow me to work from home on Friday's. Once our little girl arrives, I will work from home two days a week. This does help. (a little)
I realized recently that something I haven't blogged about was their birth story. I'm sorry for that. I think it's important that you all here about it. Not just because it's part of our story, but for others that read about the generosity of Kelly. I want everyone to know what she went through to give us these most precious little boys. So stay tuned for that. Expect my blog updates to be a bit more frequent now that I'm officially back on a computer 5 days a week. Forgive me for putting that aside for so long while I enjoyed my time at home with my Casey & Britton. :)
Read Full Article
Read for later
Articles marked as Favorite are saved for later viewing.
Scroll to Top
Separate tags by commas
To access this feature, please upgrade your account.