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Effective flirting is an art form. Sometimes it can feel impossible to master. 

If you’re too shy and worried you’re going to upset someone, you hold back. If you’re over-eager and think you’re going to bulldoze your way into getting a girl to like you, you scare her off.

The secret to finding the perfect balance is what I call confident restraint.

That means you shouldn’t hesitate to flirt with a woman you’re interested in. But you should also try to be conscious of her comfort.

You want to try and read her signals as best as possible. You should always respect her boundaries when she expresses them. This also means while you should lead things forward, you shouldn’t just relentlessly make sexual remarks and grope her out of nowhere.

You can come on too strong. That’s where the power of restraint comes in.

Sometimes, the best way to ramp things up, is to slow things down. Dial back the intensity and flirt with a little more subtlety.

This opens up room for one of the most essential parts to creating strong intimate connections — sexual tension. And sexual tension is where the real magic happens.

What is sexual tension anyway?

Sexual tension is when one or both people feel sexual desire but don’t act on it in the moment…if ever.

There’s tension in the air because you’re both kind of aroused. You know what’s really going on. And it feels like there’s a secret hot little game that only the two of you know about.

So how do you create that desire in the first place?

Flirting.

Showing your romantic interest in a girl takes guts. And it’s that confidence that turns a girl on even more.

Flirting sparks sexual interest and builds tension. And there’s a specific type of flirting that I believe does this best: non-verbal flirting.

Showing subtle interest through eye contact, vocal tonality, or touch can create an environment of palpable sexual tension.

So before you become obsessed with having to be a super smooth player with the wittiest banter – remember, the most primal way of flirting is without words! Do you think hunter-gatherers worried about saying the right pickup line?

And most importantly, mixing things up keeps your connections exciting.

One moment, you might compliment her flirtatiously. Next, you’re back having a great conversation for a while. A few minutes later, you give her a bold yet almost imperceptible look that says, “I want you.”

You can get a woman ridiculously turned on without saying anything at all.

Why is sexual tension so important?

When you flirt more casually and slow things down, you…

  • Build anticipation. Humans love mystery and suspense. When we have to wait or work for something, we want it that much more. As you keep stoking the fire with subtle flirting, the mood will feel more and more intimate. Her imagination will keep wandering about just how hot things will get.
  • Show you’re not just desperate and rushing to get laid. She can see that you’re confident in expressing your interest and are attracted to her. But at the same time, you’re not so horny and focused on sex that you’re throwing yourself at her. You’re showing awareness about the situation and having fun flirting…while also getting to know each other at a comfortable pace.
  • Don’t let things feel overwhelming or cheap. Like I said earlier, it is possible to flirt too hard. When a guy aggressively escalates things sexually, it can feel intense. Women can feel like they’re not ready yet and that it’s all moving too fast. It can make women feel ashamed that they’re getting so sexual so soon.
How to create that sweet sweet tension

1. Position yourself closer to her. We naturally stand close to people we feel connected to. We get shoulder to shoulder with our buddies at a bar or sit next to family on a couch.

It also works in reverse, though. We start to feel connected to those who we allow into our physical space. The influence of proxemics has been studied extensively. When we are within four feet of someone, we automatically spark a more personal connection.

The key is that you want to get close to a girl in a non-threatening manner.

If you’ve just met and you’re standing a foot away facing her head-on, that feels intimidating. But position yourself diagonal to her and you can get just as close without it feeling overwhelming.

Take a step to the side of a girl within the first minutes of introducing yourself. You can be almost shoulder to shoulder and face each other at an angle. Get a table with booth seating or chairs that you can pull to her side rather than across from her.

Walk right beside a girl and when you sit down together (at a park, on the couch at your house), sit right next to her. Don’t leave an awkward six foot gap.

Finally, being physically close has many other benefits. In loud environments, it’s easier to hear each other without awkwardly leaning in. People are more likely to open up when they feel they have a private bubble with you. And most of all, you can start touching each other in natural ways rather than trying to clumsily reach across a table.

2. Maintain physical contact a little longer. When you and a woman are getting to know each other, you’ll often casually touch. That may be a quick hand on the arm to emphasize something or on the shoulder while laughing at a joke. But that’s how we also touch our friends. Poking a girl or patting her on the arm isn’t going to get her aroused.

So as you build a connection, your touching should follow along.

Imagine this…

Halfway into a date, you’re fascinated by a story she’s sharing. So you rest your hand on hers for a few extra seconds while listening.

Maybe you’re sitting and your legs keep grazing against each other. At some point, let your leg rest against hers for 5-10 seconds while chatting.

When you say goodbye or see her again for a second time, you might hug her for a tiny bit longer.

Just a few extra seconds can signal your strong romantic intent. She can experience how good it feels to be close to you and desire more of it.

3. Lower the volume of your voice and slow it down. The tone, speed, and inflection of our voice subconsciously communicates a tremendous amount of information. And a single word or sentence can have very different meanings with slight adjustments.

You can apply this principle to create a mood of sensuality and sexuality.

Let’s say you’re with a girl in a more intimate environment, like a dark restaurant, on a walk, or at one of your houses.

Try lowering your speaking volume, even to an almost whisper as you sit or stand closer together. Speak a little slower, too. Doing this coincidentally makes your voice have some roughness or graveliness…which women find irresistible.

She’ll get the vibe you’re feeling more close to her and you want to keep getting more personal. It’ll encourage her to start communicating that way to you and pump up the mutual attraction.

4. Smile at her and hold your gaze. You’ve been chatting with a woman for a while. While she’s talking, smile at her and look deep into her eyes. Try to notice the color of her iris. Maintain eye contact for a few seconds longer than you normally would.

She’s going to start to be curious about what’s got you so captivated and if you’re starting to feel attracted to her. Again, it gets her mind racing about what’s to come.

5. Check out her lips. We often do this subconsciously when we’re attracted to someone or want to kiss them. But some men struggle with a lot of anxiety or shame around showing interest. So they actively avoid checking out those women so they don’t come off as creepy.

But doing this can really show a lot of confidence and have women eagerly waiting for your next move. It drives a lot of women wild.

As things get more personal and flirtatious in conversation, slowly move your gaze down from eyes to her lips for a couple seconds and back up again. It’s a small but bold way to signal you want to kiss her.

6. Take your time for the kiss. The first kiss is that powerful moment when you both act upon your desires. It’s the climax to a great film you created together.

Women want that first time to be special and memorable. Giving her that final dramatic build-up beforehand makes the payoff so much better. A lot of guys are so nervous they go from looking at a girl to kissing her in one second — killing all of that precious tension.

Instead, stop whatever you’re doing. Finish your sentence, pause, and look deep into her eyes. Slowly step towards her or bring her closer by the hand or with your arm around her back. Hold that for a second and then bring yourselves even closer together.

If she’s ready to kiss, that final moment before you embrace is fucking hot. She feels you confidently moving things forward and starts to get aroused imagining what it’s about to be like.

Then kiss her. Don’t just give her a peck, enjoy a solid kiss for a couple of seconds. Gently pull away and return to whatever you were doing or talking about.

7. Pull away from a kiss sometimes. Let’s say you’ve been with a girl for a few hours. Things are heating up and next thing you know, you’re kissing. That kissing turns into full-on making out. You’re excited. This is what you’ve been waiting for and you don’t want it to stop.

But then, things suddenly cool down. When you try to push forward, she hesitates and pulls back. Maybe she even tells you she wants to stop.

You’re left completely clueless about what just happened.

This is a common mistake that kills so many romantic opportunities.

And here’s why: that lead-up to the kiss was filled with sexual tension. By continuing to kiss without a break, you lost the intrigue and mystery.

Instead, you’re MUCH better off kissing for a little while and then pulling away. When you’re the first one to break it off, you show her that you’re not just trying to get laid. A break also gives her time to reflect on how amazing that felt and how excited she is to do it again.

And each time you return to kissing, you can get more and more passionate. Soon enough, things often lead themselves into the bedroom.

8. Don’t rush through foreplay. So you’ve now kissed and are back at one of your places. You know she’s feeling it and it’s on.

Unfortunately, a lot of guys take that for granted. You’re a man, you’re aroused, and you’re good to go. So you figure she’s feeling the same way and you want to get down to business.

You start making out and try to pull off her clothes. She pushes you away and tells you she’s not ready.

And even though you were right that she was into you and ready to hook up, you were wrong to think that sex was immediately guaranteed.

Especially when it’s the first time, having sex stirs up a lot of emotions. Women can feel self-conscious about their bodies, worry about being judged, and even be concerned about their safety with a stranger.

Time and foreplay helps ease women into intimacy. And when I say foreplay, I don’t just mean digital or oral sex. I’m talking about everything that comes before that.

Sit close to her so she can feel your body against hers. Stroke her arm or run your fingers through her hair. Kiss her lips, pull back, then kiss down her neck a little, and pull back again. Gently run your hands over her clothes and tease her with your fingertips.

I could go on…but it’s easier for you to check out my guide to having sex with a woman for the first time.

The point is that most women want at least 10-15 minutes of build-up before having sex. So take your time!

With each touch, each kiss, each undressing — you rev up that tension. You give her time to get comfortable which allows her to get even more aroused. It’ll often get to the point where she can’t take it anymore and she has to have you. Sometimes, women just say “fuck it” and start tearing your clothes off themselves.

Of course, some women will still get cold feet and change their minds. That’s normal. But if you’re consistently encountering women who pump the brakes in the bedroom, you might want to take a more restrained, yet confident approach.

Sometimes finesse is key. You wouldn’t use a sledgehammer to hang up a picture frame, would you?

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I was NOT an athletic kid.

In little league, they put me in right field, where they thought I’d do as little damage as possible. Even then, I got yelled at for daydreaming and playing in the dirt as the rare ball whizzed by me.

I never played school sports again.

While I did ride my bike around town and climb trees in the woods, that was the hardest physical activity I endured until about 21 years old.

I was the chubby nerd growing up.

I messed around in gym class. I never lifted weights. I drank sugary juice drinks with silly faces on the bottles and devoured potato chips.

Eventually, I graduated to multiple daily Mountain Dews with steak and cheese sandwiches from my dad’s restaurant. (Damn, they were good though.)

I spent a lot of time indoors — at my house, at friends’ houses, or at the movies. I had no interest in unnecessary physicality. My youth was often spent running around digitally in video games instead.

Then one day everything changed.

At 21 years old, I was diagnosed with hypoglycemia. My family had a history of diabetes and I couldn’t believe I was already on that path. I decided I had to start eating right and being active.

I lost 60lbs and have stayed at a healthy weight for ten years. About six years ago, I started taking cardio seriously. Then three years ago, I started strength training and building muscle.

Now, I’ve gone from hating sports to loving them. I can’t wait to get outdoors. I’ve built habits that keep me working out every week.

I’m not in perfect shape but I’m more active, strong, and healthy than I’ve ever been. And I have a ton of fun being this way.

While getting to this point required real effort, I believe it’s completely possible for anyone. I’ve found ways to make the process easier and build a more sustainable mindset. If my unathletic ass can do it, so can you.

You don’t need to become an immediate workout junkie

The Department of Health and Human Services recommends a minimum of at least 150 minutes of moderate aerobic activity or 75 minutes of vigorous aerobic activity a week. They also recommend strength training for each muscle group at least twice a week (let’s say 30 minutes each session).

So when a lot of people start trying to exercise, they believe they have to fully commit right away.

They think they need to go running for hours every week. They think they need to lift grueling weights until they almost puke. They think they need to commit to long workouts to hit those quotas. Or else, they’re failing.

Ironically, it’s this mentality that sets people up for failure.

If you haven’t been regularly active, this is asking too much of you, too soon. You’re don’t even have the right habits, tools, or willpower in place yet.

All this seems overwhelming and terrifying. It’s why so many people give up.

Let go of the BS idea you have to be doing X amount of exercises for X amount of time.

Healthy standards are guidelines to work towards, but you should start with small steps on the road to get there. Your body is still getting healthier even if you do the tiniest bit of activity!

Use the 10% healthier rule.

Pick an amount of weekly exercise that’s doable for you. Maybe that’s just 9 minutes right now. Let’s make it even easier by splitting it into 3 minutes a day, 3 times a week.

Each week, try to increase your time by 10%. So next week, go for 10 minutes. The following week for 11 and so on.

(Note: This is just an example. You don’t have to obsess over each minute if you’re making any kind of progress.)

With compounding growth, you’ll get to the 210 minutes of recommended exercise in 33 weeks. The great thing is that the challenge will increase naturally. The first 18 weeks you’ll be adding just a few minutes per week.

After that, the weeks will get progressively more challenging. But by then, you’ll have built up more endurance, self-confidence, motivation, and overall fitness to still keep things manageable.

Most importantly, you’ll use those initial weeks to discover creative ways to play and have fun while being active.

Yes, it’s possible to love working out

Most of my life, I thought there were “correct” ways to work out. You were supposed to do certain activities or exercises for designated amounts of time to get fit.

For example, this meant long runs on the treadmill to lose weight or 100 pushups a day.

This sounded horrible and stopped me from wanting to exercise.

Eventually, I realized that I didn’t have to work out in misery. I realized there is no exact right way to exercise. It’s all preconceived notions and limiting beliefs in our head.

If you move your body around or use physical strength for any reason, you are improving your health and fitness. That’s all that matters.

Once I accepted this, I saw a world of possibilities.

I could exercise in endless ways to keep things fresh. I could do fun activities I enjoyed that also made me healthier. I didn’t have to spent hours in the gym…in fact I could exercise in my underwear sometimes. I could even do bursts of 5-10 minutes rather than always long commitments at once.

So now, I exercise in countless ways I love:

  • Play basketball/tennis at the YMCA and at free outdoor courts in my town.
  • Swim at the YMCA, public pools, and at the beach. Then I jump through the waves like a madman and practice boxing underwater.
  • Throw Frisbees and footballs with friends while running around.
  • Hike and mountain bike in New England and around the world.
  • Do yoga in my living room with YouTube videos like Yoga with Adriene.
  • Row a boat vigorously on the Derwentwater Lake in England.
  • Dance or do bodyweight exercises while watching TV or listening to music.
  • Use resistance bands for strength training while chilling on my couch.
  • Take my dog out on daily walks and sprint randomly with him.
  • Do boxing or dance games like Audioshield in my Virtual Reality setup.
  • Build a power rack in my basement to do compound lifts, pull-ups, and dips.
  • Have foot races with friends on the beach at night.
  • Play disc golf in Austria for the first time with Julian and Krissi at LoveLifeSolved. I jog to get my discs.
  • Do random spurts of interval training (4 minutes for example) with exercises like burpees.

This variety helps me stay excited about exercising. But again, this is what works for me. You can experiment with different ideas until you find a few that you love, and then keep those in rotation.

If you don’t have much money to spend, many ideas are free or require little investment.

If you hate working out for long periods, break it up over days or in short chunks within a day.

If you don’t have time for the gym, there are unlimited bodyweight exercises, resistance bands, and free weights you can do while watching TV in your living room.

Forget what anyone else says — make exercise as fun and doable as possible. Then you’ll learn to look forward to working out.

Success is about more than just your appearance

We all want to look better. It’s maybe the most common reason why people initially start exercising.

Marketers know this. So they hammer us with before and after pictures to show off that “perfect beach body, just in time for summer!”

But if the way you look is your primary reason for working out, I’ve found that it’s nearly impossible to stay on track. Because inherently, it’s a losing battle when so much of how your body looks is out of your control.

Because if you’re really skinny or overweight, it takes time to see major changes.

As a novice in strength training, you might be able to put on two pounds of muscle per month if you work really hard. That’s without time factored in for weight cutting cycles.

For losing weight, you might be able to drop two pounds a week. But that will fluctuate and obsessively checking your scale will only discourage you.

Moreso, your progress will be dictated by your age and genetics. It may take you much longer to get to where you want to be compared to a 20 year old with awesome genes.

Remember, the progress pictures you measure yourself against are often manipulated (lighting, exaggeration, photoshop) or impossible without the use of steroids or performance-enhancing drugs.

So working towards your ideal body often becomes an unattainable chase. Once you lose some weight or look a certain way, you’ll want more. You’ll always want to be leaner, more toned, or bigger.

Instead, measure your success on your efforts and let everything else you gain in the process fuel you.

When your reasons for exercising goes beyond aesthetics, you’ll find a well of motivation waiting to be tapped into. For me, I’ve found that drive in:

  • Developing my skills at sports like basketball or tennis.
  • Being more competitive against others within those sports.
  • Increasing the amount of weight I can lift or improving my overall endurance.
  • Improving my sex drive and stamina.
  • Feeling my mood and energy improve drastically after workouts and in general.
  • Getting better rest at night and gaining more mental clarity during the day.
  • Seeing my blood sugar problems resolve themselves.
  • Looking forward to being a father who can be active with his kids.

I’ve fallen in love with all the other amazing benefits exercise has to offer.

This focus has helped me become more patient with getting into shape and being okay with not having a perfect, idealized body. I know that regardless of my appearance, I’m crushing it in so many other ways. And no matter what, I’m still healthier than I was before.

Don’t go after this alone

Everyone knows a workout partner makes things easier. However, it’s not always straightforward to find someone who’s willing to commit with you.

So instead, many people start out trying to do things themselves. They attempt to pump themselves up and muster the motivation to exercise.

But just telling yourself that you need to work out is almost never a viable solution. It’s too easy to make excuses or conveniently “forget” that you’re supposed to exercise.

You need some other resource or person to keep you accountable.

That could be some third-party tool that actively reminds you. Or a visual reminder of some sort that you can’t help but see every day.

I’ve written a lot about setting active calendar reminders, using commitment sites like Stickk, or gamifying your goals with smartphone apps such as Habitica. I’ve recommended putting goals on your phone/computer wallpaper, using sticky notes around your house, or even writing goals on the back of your hand to be randomly reminded throughout the day.

But for something like working out, I really believe having people along the journey is important for long-term accountability. If you’ve struggled to find someone before, this is where we get creative:

  • Join a Meetup.com rock climbing/kayaking/volleyball/soccer/etc group near you.
  • Google “yourcityhere social sports” and sign up for some local social sports or recreational leagues.
  • Walk onto a game of pickup basketball at public courts or at a gym like the YMCA.
  • Ask someone in the gym to spot you. Then do the same for them. Everyone can use a spotter or someone to form check. Then it becomes natural to keep supporting each other when you’re at the gym.
  • Go play paintball. You’re going to be pushed onto one of the teams and encouraged to talk to your teammates.
  • Take a MMA, boxing, or dancing class where people partner up and comradery is encouraged.
  • Invite friends to play disc golf or go on a trail biking adventure.
  • Hire a professional trainer or coach from somewhere like CoachUp.
  • Compete in a short, manageable race like a 5K where you’re surrounded by other people.
  • Go hike on some popular trails using AllTrails. At rest points, introduce yourself to a group of people. Hikers tend to be some of the friendliest people I’ve ever met. You can say you’re new and ask if it’s okay to join them on the way up.

There are unlimited ways to find people to workout with, you just need to think outside the box.

You don’t always need an existing friend to exercise with. You don’t even need one consistent person, you can have a few different people who provide the consistency you need.

The most significant hurdle to begin exercising is often a mental one.

We try to take on too much at once. We choose activities we don’t love. We unfairly obsess over our appearance or weight. We don’t find people to share the journey with and then feel lonely and disheartened.

We have all these self-imposed restrictions and beliefs that make the process boring and miserable.

Everything in this article is designed to help you let go of that mental BS. There are no set rules. You can and SHOULD focus on making this as easy and fun as possible.

So for your final lesson…I want you to forgive yourself.

It’s fine to miss a day. It’s fine to cheat once in a while. It’s fine to be out of breath and not have the endurance you want right now. It’s fine not to beat your previous best every week and take another week to get there.

Those things are not the problem. The problem is shaming yourself and therefore again, taking all the potential fun out of this.

You can take a couple of days off (which you should). You’re not going to suddenly lose all progress– In fact, it takes about 2-3 weeks of doing nothing to even begin losing previous strength gains! You can take your time making progress, however slowly that may be.

You can always try again tomorrow. That’s an attitude you can stick to.

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The average woman has been on a lot of first dates.

She’s endured many of the same boring conversations. She’s been asked the same cookie-cutter questions. And she’s had the same generic experiences.

And she’s sent countless, “I had a great time, but I just don’t see you that way…” texts after those mediocre dates.

The reality is that women are still the gatekeepers in dating. They’re the ones choosing whether or not a potential romantic connection will progress towards future dates.

This is exacerbated by online dating where women have endless hordes of men throwing themselves at them.

You need to stand out from the other dates she’s been on.

It’s a bit like the bird-of-paradise’s courtship dance. They show off their unique colors, strut their stuff, and bounce around like maniacs to get the attention of a mate.

They know they have to be memorable to improve their chances of being selected. The female birds aren’t going to respond to a tiny splash of color and some weak little hops.

Human courtship rituals are no different. We just have a more modern, less spastic version.

Unfortunately, a lot of men do the exact opposite of what works. They play it safe. They don’t want to do anything unexpected for fear it will upset the girl. They try to blend in.

And that just makes you out to be another faceless, forgettable first-date memory.

If you want your dates to turn romantic and lead to more dates, you need to become memorable.

Choose a different environment and cultivate a unique, personal experience

Nearly every guy takes a girl to coffee, drinks, or dinner. It’s been done to death.

After a while, those generic first dates become like a scene from an indie rom-com. You can imagine a rapid flash of cuts where that girl’s sitting in a chair at a coffee shop or restaurant. She has the same disengaged expression while only her outfit, the decor, and the guy changes around her.

I don’t get why everyone does the same shit when there are endless date ideas. Use the slightest bit of creativity. Think about what you love to do and take her somewhere that shares a tailored experience no other guy has given her.

I’ve gotten gourmet sandwiches with a girl and eaten them in an arboretum. I’ve had fun shopping experiences where we picked out clothes for each other. I’ve walked through outdoor art galleries, sung karaoke, visited an ice cream festival, and done whiskey tastings.

I have friends who take girls rock climbing or axe throwing. Some have gone for bike rides and jumped around in a trampoline park. Other friends have done drag shows, laser tag, and flown kites.

These dates provide not only different environments, but cultivate unique vibes and emotional  experiences. You can often be more casual, playful, physical, and close without needing to solely focus on interview-style conversation like the standard date.

I might not remember the many times I’ve had coffee with my wife. But I’ll always remember when we both took a sick day off work and spontaneously went to the Museum of Science.

I’m not completely against the standard date spots, though. I love sharing a great meal like anyone else. But if you decide to go the traditional route, at least add a little twist.

Choose a place that has a story or special significance to you. Share why you love that spot with her on the date. It doesn’t have to be profound. You could tell her how you love how it overlooks the forest. Or how they make the best damn fig and walnut salad that reminds you of Greece.

You can also move with your date to create a more rich experience. Start with coffee but go for a walk in the botanical gardens nearby. Get drinks and then grab ice cream by the water. Do a light dinner but then go chill at the jungle gym.

That way when she looks back on the day, it feels like you guys had such a grand adventure together even if it was only for a couple hours.

Get onto a touchy, taboo, or polarizing topic

 Most people talk about the following subjects on their dates:

Where they’re from, where they went to school, their job, their future career plans, their travel stories, the music they listen to, the books they read, and the entertainment they watch.

These topics serve their purpose. They can be an effective, comfortable way to start getting to know each other.

That said, they aren’t likely to spark more opinionated, impassioned conversation. It helps to talk about something that gets people fired up.

On dates, I’ve talked about psychedelics and drug legalization, polyamory and infidelity, pickup books such as The Game, shitty parents, wild sexual experiences, climate change, and even the existence of a higher power.

You don’t have to make the entire date a deep, dark talk. But bringing up something different, controversial, or even “naughty” just once can lead to a conversation that someone remembers for a lifetime.

Show something real and find out something real about her, too

We all wear a social mask to protect ourselves around new people.

We don’t fully trust them yet so we’re only willing to reveal so much. We don’t want to show our unique, dark, or quirky sides.

But human connection grows from vulnerability.

We only become close to people we feel like we know and who know us. Our best friends got that way through sharing personal details, stories, and experiences.

You don’t have to talk about your deepest traumas on a first date. You don’t have to get super serious. In fact, I would recommend against getting onto depressing conversations most of the time.

You do have to share something that puts yourself on the line. Something personal where you could be judged. An opinion that goes against the grain. A story you don’t tell many people.

I’ve talked about my near-death car crash. I’ve shared the story of my parents’ divorce.

This is also about expanding on what you’re already normally discussing. Let’s use talking about your job, for example.

Most people just give basic facts which anyone could say. Talking about your emotions or motivation behind your career makes you an individual. Dig past the surface.

Why did you get into your career in the first place? What’s the best part of your job? The worst? What do you think your industry could do better? What’s the most meaningful experience you’ve had there? What would you want to do instead?

A woman wants to know WHY you do something, WHY it matters to you, HOW it makes you feel, and WHAT drives you. That’s what feels special to her. Not that you’ve been there for six years and get five weeks of vacation.

You should want to know more about her true self, too.

Ask something that you would love to know about her that she hasn’t already answered a million times.

People are often on autopilot when meeting someone new and have subconscious (or conscious) stock answers for “standard” questions. When you ask her a question that catches her off guard, she’s challenged to answer more authentically.

Here and here are some examples of more creative questions you could ask.

Sometimes, women aren’t going to readily answer all of your questions. Having a personal conversation requires courage. If she’s not outright saying she wants to avoid the subject and is just hesitant, don’t be afraid to lightly push once more.

Tell her you’re genuinely excited to know more about her or playfully challenge her that she can give you a better answer..

Getting her to open up that tiny bit more can make all the difference in feeling like you’ve seen the real her. And she’ll be much more invested in you because of it.

Get fired up by connecting to your passions

I’ll often ask guys about what they discussed on a date to give them feedback. Many times, they’ll struggle to remember much of anything outside basic details.

After spending hours with someone you’re supposed to be excited about, how can you forget almost everything?

I’d understand if it was a situation where they were so enraptured in conversation they lost themselves…but that’s typically not the case.

Usually, guys talked about things that weren’t deeply interesting or engaging to them. They stuck to the standard topics or let the girl take the lead in conversation the whole time.

When you discuss things you aren’t passionate about, you don’t put your best self out there. You’re less invested in the conversation and trust me, people pick up on it.

You can’t expect a woman to feel excited looking back on your date when you were so disengaged you can’t even remember it.

You’re having forgettable conversations because you avoid everything you’re deeply passionate about. Maybe these are subjects or hobbies that you feel women don’t find conventionally “attractive”.

So you don’t talk about your love for anime, comics, video games, virtual reality, war history, compound lifts, coaching kids basketball, your spider terrarium, astronomy and your telescope, college football, bird-watching, board games, or drone flying.

You think these will just bore and turn off women. But that’s only true if you stick to the technical facts and details.

You can make any subject interesting by explaining it simply without the technical side. And then you relate it in a way she’ll understand.

We all share the same emotions. So again, it’s about expressing WHY you care about it and HOW it makes you feel. Then she can tie it to something she’s interested in that makes her feel similarly.

If you get onto these subjects, you’ll naturally speak with energy and enthusiasm. You will be more confident in sharing your personal insights and opinions. And you’ll have much more material to talk about.

When guys tell me they don’t know what to say on dates, it’s generally bullshit. I’ll test them five minutes later by casually asking about something they love. All of a sudden they can’t shut up and they don’t even realize what I’m doing.

That type of excited self-expression is so damn charismatic, regardless of subject matter. You have the power to engage almost anyone when you’re in your element.

Do something bold or spontaneous

Everything we’ve talked about in this article so far encourages bravery.

That assertive confidence is what women find so irresistible. They don’t get turned on by timid, supplicating behavior.

Women want to feel a man can embrace his inner leader. That he can go after what he wants. That when he feels burning inspiration within him, he has to act on it.

They’re attracted to that little edge of unpredictability. It’s why women like the idea of the “bad boy” because you know he has that hidden, edgy side.

There are infinite ways you can showcase this…

Kiss her two-thirds of the way through the date, not at the end. Waiting until the last minute is expected and puts so much pressure on the kiss. In fact, going for a casual kiss when you’re in the midst of having fun makes it exhilarating and less intense.

Give her a more forward compliment. Tell her you find some personality trait she revealed about herself so damn attractive.

As we discussed earlier, ask a tough personal question. Show her you’re not afraid to challenge her and get into some real shit.

Drop a well-placed f-bomb if you’re not someone who swears often. I’m not saying to do this intentionally but if you’re telling a story and you’re feeling charged with emotion, it can add some unexpected oomph.

Do something she wouldn’t have expected from you. Or share a story that showcases that –maybe you quit your old job in a crazy way. Maybe you backpacked for a year around the world. Maybe you’ve been practicing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu for years.

I’ve broken out into dance in almost any environment when a good song comes on. It always gets a laugh and then it’s easy to pull the girl into the dance together.

One time, I was eating chocolate-covered strawberries with a girl in the park. We had leftovers so I walked to a couple of groups of people near us and offered them some. Afterwards, she told me how she thought it was so cool I wasn’t afraid to approach strangers and be so generous.

That depth gets a girl excited about your unique qualities that other guys don’t have.

Contrast is an essential part of attractive design. Surprise a girl with something she’d never expect about you, and it’ll only make her more curious about what else you have to offer.

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