Nick Notas - Practical Dating Advice and Tips for Men
Weekly advice for men interested in dating smarter. Tips for your lifestyle, confidence, fashion, flirting, and more. As a dating coach, he help men express their best selves to make meaningful connections. Build more self-esteem, meet more people, and attract more women.
You WILL get rejected. Some women will be unavailable or uninterested to you.
You WILL have awkward moments. You will be nervous, stuck in your head, and not know what to say.
You WILL be seen as creepy. A woman may not find you attractive in the moment and perceive you as creepy. This may happen even when you introduce yourself in a normal, polite way that doesn’t justify it.
People WILL judge you. Someone may see you trying to talk to a woman and think it’s weird. Your friends might make might fun of you.
But the huge payoff is…you find an amazing girl who’s crazy about you!
So if you ever want to attract and connect with the women you really want…
You HAVE to accept that you’ll endure some emotional pain. You HAVE to be okay with causing some discomfort in the process. And you HAVE to accept the unavoidable reality that some women just. won’t. like. you.
As Ray Dalio says, “Pain + Reflection = Progress”
Those experiences are the only way you can grow and improve. That exposure and feedback is essential.
You have to see the value in the pain process
One reason you struggle to have choices in your romantic life is because you do the EXACT opposite of what will help you succeed.
You do everything possible to avoid pain.
You never want to have a “bad” real-world experience.
So you constantly read advice because it gives you a false sense that you’re making progress. You believe there’s some secret that will fix everything and make sure you never embarrass yourself.
You wait around hoping that some opportunity will present itself without you having to do anything. You spend years using online dating even when it’s frustrating and doesn’t deliver the type of women that interest you.
When you avoid pain you avoid your potential for growth. Pain is an inevitable part of getting better at anything.
You want to build a better body and more strength? You have to tear your muscle fibers and endure some exhausting workouts. You can’t get into shape by just thinking or reading about it.
You can’t become a good developer without writing some horrible code first. You can’t learn an instrument without sounding like shit initially. You can’t be a stand-up comedian without bombing in front of an audience. You can’t be a good parent without making some mistakes with your children.
And remarkably, you don’t let that pain stop you from improving those things in your life. You don’t see it as a reflection of your deeper self-worth. You know it’s just part of the process in building your skillset.
So why should you take those experiences with women more personally?
You shouldn’t. Your ego just feeds you lies that the pain means something deeper about you.
If a woman isn’t interested in you, it has nothing to do with you as a person. It’s because of your incompatibility or your behavior in that moment. It’s just one temporary hurdle, with one person, that you can overcome in the future.
You just have to recognize the value in these uncomfortable experiences and push through them.
Then you will see how many other women will feel you’re exactly who they’re looking for.
You may cause some discomfort, but you aren’t doing anything wrong
I know the other reason you avoid meeting women is because you’re scared of bothering them. You’re ashamed that you’re going to upset them or creep them out by saying hello.
This makes you feel like approaching women is somehow fundamentally “wrong”.
That’s bullshit, though. That assumes all women are going to have a miserable time talking to you.
We’re all searching for meaningful human connections — women included. It’s at the top of our list for living a happy life. Most people will entertain 30 seconds of conversation to meet someone that could change their entire world.
Many women will be so excited to connect with you, even if you’re inexperienced. You don’t need to be perfect to make good impressions. And with time, you’re only going to get better at engaging people and making connections.
For women who aren’t interested, that doesn’t automatically mean they hated the experience. They’re often flattered someone found them interesting or attractive. I see women all the time who are blushing or smiling even after they’ve turned down a guy.
But unavoidably, some women will see you talking to them as a “negative experience”.
You’re not ruining their day by being a human trying to connect in a healthy way. You’re not doing anything illegal. You’re not threatening them or attacking them. It’s 30 seconds of mild discomfort for them and then it becomes a distant memory.
By approaching women, you are not creating lasting emotional pain. So stop believing that you are.
Why should you give up all chances of fulfillment for you and the women who want to connect with you just in case someone feels a little awkward?
You don’t expect everyone to do that in other areas of life.
Should we stop expressing our different opinions in case it offends someone? Should we never ask for help in case it burdens someone? Should we never ask our bosses for a raise in case it upsets them?
No, that would be fucking insane. We would all be a lot more miserable.
We don’t feel “wrong” in those moments because we see the bigger picture. We understand that we only have control over our actions. We can use good judgment but we can’t read other people’s minds.
So all we can do is lead with what we want and allow others to convey what they want. Then we respect their wishes.
For a happier, more connected world, we have to risk causing slight friction to find people who align with us. I’ve watched hundreds of women build beautiful relationships from guys who just decided to walk up to them. I’m in one of those relationships myself.
If these women are feeling happier, finding their dream partners, and even starting wonderful families — it can’t be wrong for them!
And again, that’s the whole point.
In the pursuit of better romantic lives for everyone, you’ve got to accept some women won’t like you. And you’ve got to accept it’s impossible to avoid any discomfort for you or others in the courtship process.
If you can’t accept those two truths, sure, you can avoid some pain now. But you’ll be trading it for the huge pain of regret later.
For me, I’d always endure a little pain for a much better life.
I’m back from my confidence retreat in Barcelona with Julian and Krissi of LoveLifeSolved.com! Wow, that city is brimming with passion and creativity.
There are buildings that look extraterrestrial sandwiched between ultra-sleek modern behemoths. They have a cathedral that almost looks like a cross between a sinister villain’s lair and a child’s imagination of a whimsical castle.
The entire city feels like a living art piece.
People are loud, expressive, and love to have a good time. Hundreds of people huddle close together in little outdoor squares, drinking and chatting until 6 AM. And that’s after they’ve been out dancing all night.
But if that isn’t your thing, you could eat at one of the many Michelin star restaurants. Or head to a legal cannabis club. Or watch a machete fight go down in the street….(yes, that happened while we were there before the retreat began.)
Yet despite all that energy, the city is spotless. It’s quite amazing to see and it allows all the beauty to come through.
Barcelona is the type of place where anything goes. It’s was the perfect spot for our recent retreat to cultivate some reality breaking experiences. I’ll share a few of those with you and some of the bigger takeaways from this event.
There are endless realities and possibilities
In my retreat write-ups, it’s becoming a tradition to share moments that challenge what people think is possible. Here are some of the “reality breakers” from the guys’ social interactions:
One member had never traveled internationally. While we were out together, he hit it off with a girl on the street. He rescheduled his flight, took a train out to her hometown over an hour away, and had an amazing time with her.
Another guy could be social with men and in certain environments, like business settings. But he believed he wasn’t good enough or capable enough to introduce himself and attract new women.
He met a girl from the US one of the nights who talked to him for 20 minutes and exchanged numbers. They couldn’t meet up after due to timing. To his surprise, she proactively made plans to reconnect with him back in the states this week.
Another member has an incredible sense of humor which airs on being a little “non politically correct”, dark, and even sexual. He had been holding back that side of him his whole life with new people. We taught him that it can be okay to express that in the right context and when those people are connecting with you.
He had a wonderful conversation with a young woman who was a yoga instructor. About 10 minutes into chatting he said, “You have to show me some poses. I’ve got to keep my testosterone levels up.”
She couldn’t stop laughing and opened up about her side passion for sex therapy. Later they joked about her upcoming birthday and how he needed to give her a birthday lap dance.
That sense of humor completely changed the conversations dynamic and made it a lot more personal, fun, and sexual. It’s these moments where the vulnerability can bridge small talk into a more intimate connection.
Finally, one of the older guys met a younger woman outside in a square. After about 5-10 minutes of talking, he told her he wanted to kiss her. Before he knew it, she started kissing him.
He and some of the other older men were attracted to younger women. But they feared that it would be weird or wrong to talk to them. They thought the women would question their age and reject them.
Throughout the four days, I saw these guys routinely attract woman 5-10+ years their junior and not once did the women vocalize it was a problem. Obviously, they didn’t connect with everyone but more than enough women were interested.
Many people set false limitations for themselves and others. The world tells us…
You can’t talk to people in certain places, especially out in public. You’ll just bother them. No girl is going to want to connect with a guy who approached her on the street. You can’t be more vulgar or sexual with someone you just met. You’re too old to date someone younger.
Yet every year, I’m amazed at how far the boundaries of reality can be pushed.
So next time you’re making excuses about taking action, ask yourself…”Is this really true?”
Charisma comes in all shapes and sizes
When you think of a charismatic man, who do you picture?
I bet you imagine a tall, handsome guy with a killer smile. He probably has the wittiest banter and always speaks with unshakable confidence.
Those preconceived notions have been proved completely wrong at our retreats.
I’ve watched just about every guy captivate an entire room, even those who thought it never could be possible for themselves. One of the attendees believed that because English was his second language and he had an accent, he could never be engaging. Multiple times throughout the retreat, people were enraptured by his “soothing, relaxing presence” and couldn’t turn their attention away.
They become fired up about whatever they’re talking about. Their face lights up and their whole body becomes more animated. They are fully present in the moment. They let loose, act real, and aren’t performing. They truly enjoy themselves.
You can recreate this atmosphere with new people and in situations where you feel more nervous. You just have to commit to showing your true self even though you may be afraid of judgment.
Again, that means talking about subjects you love. Sharing your real opinions on all different topics. Being willing to disagree with someone. Asking things you want to know and not what you think the other person wants to talk about.
Doing this and then seeing the positive reactions of the people around you reinforces that you’re on the right track. Your self-confidence will only grow. And soon enough, you’ll be expressing yourself without constant second-guessing.
Non-judgmental environments help us connect better
In my Lisbon retreat write-up, I discussed how amazing it was that all types of people could get along when they’re vulnerable with each other. When people drop their guard and open up, they look past their differences and relate freely with one another.
In Barcelona, we had arguably a more diverse crowd. We had larger age gaps, more minorities, and a wider variety of career backgrounds.Despite all that, everyone became super close, supported each other, and are already holding each other accountable.
I’m proud to say that there still hasn’t been a verbal altercation at any of the retreats. That’s an incredible feat when you have a bunch of men dealing with insecurity around attracting women.
Sometimes people have opposing views, but they’re able to talk them through without harboring any negative feelings. In fact, they grow closer because of those moments when they can still accept each other.
In fact, one member walked up to me at the end the retreat and said…
“I learned a lot from this experience. But I didn’t expect the most valuable thing I got. This was the first time in my life I felt I was in an environment where nobody was judging anyone. I felt like I could be myself — it was amazing.”
I was touched to hear that because I know many other retreats aren’t like that.
Julian told me about a coach he used to do retreats with. Even though the retreat goals were similar, it cultivated completely different environments. He told me that men would get competitive and even hostile with each other.
So I contemplated why we’ve had such positive experiences and it hit me.
These men are only able to be that vulnerable and make those connections BECAUSE of that environment. If they didn’t feel safe and accepted, they wouldn’t have had such a positive experience.
People only drop their guard when they trust someone and feel like they aren’t being judged. That happens through a combination of:
Vulnerability (being authentic and open) + Curiosity (listening well and caring about what they’re saying) + Appreciation (giving real compliments you feel they earned)
At the retreat, I embraced my goofy self constantly and got vulgar at times. I didn’t just share my successes in dating, I was open about my “failures”.
Julian revealed embarrassing stories, like when he shaved his head so he could overcome his physical insecurities.
Krissi revealed what turned her on about guys, and pointed it out when a guy did something really attractive while roleplaying with her.
Sarah made silly faces and used Austin powers quotes to get guys laughing uncontrollably for photoshoots. She even contributed what she looks for in men and her thoughts on expressing sexuality.
And of course, all four of us were fully invested in getting to know the guys and eager to learn about their lives, interests, and stories.
The whole crew!
We genuinely praised them when they pushed themselves or revealed something we found valuable about then. Even though they came to us for help, we didn’t give them bullshit compliments just to make them feel better.
All this combined creates an environment where the attendees knew we were being real and putting ourselves out there, too.
You can put the same principles into practice to help people feel comfortable around you. That’s how you’ll build deeper connections even with someone you just met.
The key lesson here is that you have to lead by example. Our retreats work because the staff are the first ones to “jump in”.
Less theory, more practice = more results
Krissi in her effortless flow
When I started coaching, I obsessed over teaching guys theory. I spent years reading and experimenting with everything regarding self-confidence, social skills, attraction, and non-verbal communication. So naturally, I wanted to share all that knowledge with them.
I’d take men out and tell them every detail at once. I’d give them ideas on how to introduce themselves, how to position themselves, and how to ask better questions. All this did was make them overthink everything, which made them more anxious to actually implement advice.
I originally did the same thing with these retreats, although to a lesser degree.
On the first retreat in Majorca, I spent most of the time at the house teaching theory. We spent a little of each session role playing those ideas with Kristina.
By the retreat in Lisbon, we started integrating a lot more practice into every lesson (not including going out to talk to strangers). Kristina was brilliant at providing real, dynamic interactions as a beautiful woman while I shared feedback.
That led to the guys having the most successful nights talking to women like they never had before. They were engaging, had deep talks, and even had some crazy intimate connections.
So in Barcelona, we really dialed it up. We split roughly 50% theory to 50% practice every day. The results were astonishing.
When the guys went out to apply their skills in the real world, their practice sessions translated perfectly. They were much more relaxed and able to naturally implement the ideas we had worked on. In turn, I would say 80-90% of their interactions went positively.
This is so effective because most men read too much about self-improvement without ever applying it. Knowledge can only take you so far — human connection is an emotional experience and requires investment from you.
Your personal growth needs that vulnerability and real-world experience more than anything else.
You need more exposure to social situations to lessen anxiety, which then helps you be more present. When you’re more present, you can access your real thoughts and curiosity rather than performing.
You need those interactions to develop your emotional intelligence so you can be dynamic with different types of people. And you need real world experiences which prove to you’re capable and people want to connect with you.
The men at the retreat realized how critical taking action is to building self-esteem, skills, and relationships. So at one point, one of the members said this quote, which became the retreat motto: “MORE REPS”.
It always get easier
Talking to new people seems terrifying because you don’t have much experience doing it. And that fear probably prevents you from even starting.
All you can imagine right now is how anxiety-ridden and awkward it will be to meet women. And your scumbag brain keeps telling you that it will always be like that.
That’s just not possible, though. Developing self-confidence and improving your connections are processes just like anything else.
More experience, exposure, and practice you will get more comfortable. You will see how healthy it is and that you really do make many people’s day. That together will motivate you to keep going.
I told this to the guys on the first day of the retreat…
It WILL get easier and more fun.
All the guys were nervous the first time we went out. Many weren’t ready to take action and waited for others to go first. Even when their turns came, we often had to push them or one of the coaches would join them.
A few days later, we could barely stop the guys from rushing to introduce themselves to people! They were enthusiastic and passionate. They would cheer each other on and were eager to keep pushing their comfort zones.
It was incredible and it didn’t even stop there.
The guys since then have been texting our Whatsapp group with awesome experiences. One guy met a woman on the plane ride home and they hit it off. Others are going out together on the weekends. And for the last week, the men have been personally sharing their interactions with me.
We didn’t do anything magical for these men. We just gave them the accountability and motivation to actually introduce themselves to someone. Then we did it again…and again. Then the other guys did the same for each other.
What I’m trying to say is that while having a coach makes things easier, you can do this yourself!
I promise if you put yourself out there for a couple weeks with some regularity, you can experience the same transformation. And once you do, you’ll be able to make strong connections anywhere for the rest of your life.
Final thoughts and the start of a movement
We all want to connect with people. We all want to be found desirable. We all want to create relationships that matter to us.
We all walk around some days bored as hell just trying to get from place to place. And honestly when a nice person tries to engage us, it’s often the most interesting part of our day…or even week.
Everyone saw the truth in this reality at the retreat. You can only see two strangers excited to connect so many times before you’re forced to accept it as beautiful.
Yet only a small percentage of the world engages in or encourages this behavior. Many people still think it’s weird, shameful, and wrong.
That’s heartbreaking to me.
After the retreat, us coaches spent a lot of time thinking about the future of our work. All of us agreed on one thing…
We want more people to attract and connect with the people they want, in healthy ways.
We genuinely believe if everyone was proactively more social, it would solve so many issues around empathy, loneliness, and broken relationships. We believe this movement would greatly improve society.
To get there, we need not only more men to champion this idea, but more women, too. Without them, we have no revolution.
We want women to experience that it’s possible to have deeply moving and meaningful connections with new people. And to show them that there are ways for them to take more initiative as well.
So as our work continues to grow, we plan to interview more women about their experiences and insights. We want to collaborate with female leaders and host co-ed events. We also plan to expand into more gender-neutral content and advice specifically for women.
Because at the end of it all, everyone has struggled with finding and sustaining relationships. If we’re trying to make the world a more connected place, then we all need to be in this together.
I want to give a special thanks to everyone who made this possible.
Thank you Sarah Katharina for making everyone look beautiful and documenting these precious memories.
Thank you Julian and Krissi for inspiring these retreats in the first place, busting your ass every day, and providing such brilliant insights for the guys.
I feel so lucky to have such a wonderful and talented team
And finally, a huge thank you to the men who attended. It was an honor to work with you and also a ridiculous amount of fun. We were so sad the days after you left. We hope you know that you’re fueling a passion in all of us and this literally couldn’t have worked without you.
If you’re interested in attending the next retreat, contact me here. We’ll put you on the waiting list and let you know as soon as it’s announced.
You see an attractive woman walking her dog. Or grabbing coffee. Or reading a book in the park.
How do you get from “Wow that is a stranger I would maybe like to get to know better” to having an official, scheduled date with them?
Bridging that gap can be daunting. Especially in person. I mean, that’s why Tinder was invented in the first place, right?
A typical approach with a new woman goes like this…
Walk up to her. Say hello. Introduce yourself. Converse and get to know each other a bit. Maybe make a lighthearted joke. Get her smiling and suggest future plans together. Trade numbers (or Snapchats/Instagrams). Say goodbye and walk away.
That all takes just a couple minutes.
You don’t need to execute those steps perfectly. You don’t need to be the wittiest, most charming, super suave man imaginable. Human connection doesn’t have an exact formula.
But…there are a few crucial concepts that will inspire a woman to want to see you again. You want her to leave the conversation with a positive, lasting memory in her mind. That way she’ll look forward to your future plans and be much more likely to follow through.
Always invite her out even if you think it’s pointless
Sometimes when you meet a woman out in your daily life, you only get to chat for a few moments.
Because the conversation went by so quickly, you don’t bother inviting her out to see her again. You assume that there’s no way she’d be open to the idea in that short timeframe.
You think you didn’t talk to her long enough. You feel you didn’t build enough chemistry or get into more engaging conversation. Maybe you believe you weren’t funny enough.
You have to realize that you don’t need all those things for a woman to be interested in seeing you again! In fact, what gets her enthusiastic to see where things could go is much simpler than that.
She wants to see two things…
Your self-confidence. The beauty about this is that introducing yourself to her and having the courage to go for her number showcases that. Your actions alone convey that you are confident in who you are. You show her that you’re the kind of leader who goes after what he wants.
You’re a normal guy. This sounds ridiculous but it’s true. If you can just do the basics of maintaining good eye contact and not rushing through your words, asking questions you’re actually curious about, and holding basic conversation — that will take you far. She’s not expecting you to be flawless or fearless. She just wants to know you can talk to her like a regular person.
Every time you don’t take a shot, there’s literally ZERO chance that anything more will come from the interaction. So stop trying to protect your ego and invite her out.
Start following this absolute rule…
If you talk to any woman you find attractive for more than 1-2 minutes, extend an offer to meet up again.
Wait for an emotional high point to invite her out
I want to reiterate that regardless of whether or not you think the conversation went perfectly — you should invite a girl out.
That said, there is a strategic timing element that will improve your odds of getting a yes.
When we’re feeling positive emotions and a strong connection to someone else, we’re more likely to follow their lead. Those feelings overpower our anxiety and hesitation.
So that’s why it’s often best to invite someone out after they experience that “emotional high point”.
That could be her speaking to you with passion or her laughing at something you said. It could be her enthusiasm when asking you questions about yourself. It could be her leaning in closer to open up to you.
All these demonstrate that she’s feeling good and engaged by you. So when you invite her to hang out, that helps give her the courage to take that risk with you.
If you just invite her out when she hasn’t exactly responded positively, you’re at the mercy of how she feels in that moment. Is she comfortable enough to put herself out there?
This is especially useful in those shorter conversations. You talk for a few, hit an emotional high point or two, and within the next couple of minutes — pull the trigger.
Get excited about what you have to offer
When you introduce yourself to a woman, she usually expects you to take the lead and offer something to do together.
Imagine your team at work has a big product launch coming up. You’re nervous, but also eager because it’s a big moment for you.
What if your team leader came up to you right before the launch and timidly said,
“Do you think we’re ready to do this? Do you think we should launch now?” with a shaky voice and an uncertain expression.
How does that make you feel? Are you going to feel better or worse that this is a good idea? Is he going to make you feel secure in following his lead? No chance.
Now what if he came over and had a sense of vigor? What if he said,
“We’ve been working so hard on this and the time is finally here. I know it’s going to be awesome and I’m so excited to get this launch out.”
How much more reassured would you feel?
The same principles apply to dating. You need to get yourself excited if you want to excite a woman into seeing you again.
You shouldn’t PRETEND to be excited, though. You need to connect with something that gets you fired up. Search for an idea you’re passionate about or that you’d love to share with her.
You can use something you talked about with her as a starting point…
If you talked about food and have a secret favorite Mexican restaurant, “I HAVE to show you this hidden gem AwesomeRestaurant, they make the best tacos ever. We should grab a bite there.”
If you discussed hiking and how you love being outdoors, “You should join me this weekend, I’m going to my favorite trail. It’s a short walk that opens up to this breathtaking view of the lake.”
But even if you don’t have an easy idea to use from your convo, just express what you’re excited to do with HER.
“It’s been really fun making you laugh. We should do this again over drinks.”
“I want to keep hearing your insights on psychology and what makes people tick. Let’s grab a coffee this week.”
Don’t ask for her permission to get her number. She’s not going to get excited about giving her digits to a shy guy. She cares about the possibility of a new experience, not the logistics of exchanging info.
Instead, believe you have something valuable to give and lead with a statement. Tell her what you want to do with her. It’s understood that you’re making a suggestion and she can choose to say yes or no.
Challenge her hesitance on following through
Whenever someone new starts talking to us, we feel a rush of energy and emotions. It’s a very personal and vulnerable experience.
We’re often caught off guard. We don’t know what to say at first. We’re excited about the prospect of meeting someone new but sometimes nervous about holding conversation and presenting ourselves well.
And yes, even the most beautiful women get butterflies, just like you, in those moments.
When you introduce yourself to a woman while she’s going about her daily life, she’s probably not expecting it. Most likely, she’s rarely approached in places other than a bar or party.
When you invite her to do something with you, that piles on even more weight. She feels she has to make a split-second decision when she’s already feeling a little hesitant.
Those high-tension moments activate our fight-or-flight response.
Sometimes, even when we want to logically do something, it’s easier to take the safe option and back out.
When I go out with clients, I’ll see them have seemingly great interactions with women. They’re engaged in each other’s conversation. They’re laughing together. They look present and eager to continue talking.
But when the guy invites her out, she’s hesitant to say yes. She’ll think about her response for a moment. She may dance around giving him a clear answer. She then will sometimes give half-hearted reasons why she can’t give him her number.
I hear stuff like…
“I don’t know…I just met you”, “I’ve never done this before and don’t usually give my number out to strangers”, “Maybe we’ll see each other around sometime..”
Most guys immediately back down, say they understand, and wish them goodbye.
If you do that, you will miss out on a TREMENDOUS amount of connections in your life.
Because that answer isn’t always a real no. It’s the fear of the unknown that pushes her towards that “flight” response.
Obviously, I’m not talking about when women give you a clear, strong verbal “no”. If she tells you she’s not interested, no thanks, or has a boyfriend — you should listen.
But a good amount of the time, a woman will kind of waffle around her decision. That’s when you want to nudge things forward once more.
It’s like sales…
I have people who come to me after reading my work for years. They have a problem they deeply want to solve and I’m the means to do so.
We’ll have a great call and when I talk about our next steps together, occasionally they’ll be nervous to move forward. They’ll say they’re still not sure and want to wait a little longer before starting.
Now I never try to push or manipulate anyone into working with me. I loathe that type of sales. I do understand, though, that a lot of their hesitation stems from anxiety. Committing to work on themselves is scary and it requires that they take a big leap of faith with me.
If I just let that be the final word, I would have a LOT less clients over the years.
Instead, I show them that I’m excited about helping them hit their goals. I reassure them that I’ll be there to support them through the journey. I joke around to ease some of their tension and tell them it’s normal to want to take time to think about things.
And if they’re truly not ready to commit by then, I’ll shoot them a follow-up email in a couple days reinforcing how confident I am that we can do great things together. Often I won’t even get the chance, though, because they’ve already emailed me before then to say they want to move forward.
My point is, nudging them just a little results in about 9/10 of those people working with me. Those who still don’t, I am completely fine with and respect their wishes.
So if you’re facing the same situation with a woman you just met…
Don’t simply throw your hands up — instead challenge that hesitance one time.
That doesn’t mean you should try to pressure her. You shouldn’t try to intimidate her. You shouldn’t beg for her to give you a chance. You shouldn’t try to convince her with the reasons for why she should say yes.
Those strategies are either manipulative or trying to solve an emotional problem with logic.
Just like my clients, she’s experiencing anxiety which is an emotional response. Your best option is to embrace your enthusiasm, humor, or confidence and hope that it will help her feel the same way. She needs to replace her fear with those empowering, positive emotions.
When I observe men in interactions, I’m often surprised by how poor their “goodbyes” are. It usually goes something like this…
As soon as the conversation fizzles, they’re immediately showing that they’re ready to get out of there as soon as possible.
They avert their eyes. They turn their body language away. They rush to get their last words out and finish saying them as they’re turning and walking off.
What kind of impression does that leave a girl with? Do you want her last memory of you to feel cold, distant, and awkward?
If she gave you her number, then your abrupt exit would make her feel like that was all that you wanted. You’re reinforcing that getting her number was your sole purpose of talking to her, instead of creating a connection. You cheapen the experience the two of you just had.
It also makes you come off as super nervous and unconfident after she was excited about your future plans.
Even if you get turned down for a number, you still shouldn’t run away as quickly as possible. I know, in your head, you want to leave as quickly as possible because you don’t want to overstay your welcome. You might think that because she turned you down, she’s bothered or turned off by you.
In fact, women will often be flattered or have their day brightened by someone politely engaging them and showing interest. But when you display shameful body language and try to escape, you’ll never see that good response from her. If you can handle her turning you down gracefully, she’ll likely leave that interaction with positive feelings.
Your body language and demeanor reinforces to your subconscious that you did something wrong. You tell yourself you should be embarrassed and ashamed of what you did. This only makes it harder to introduce yourself to more women in the future.
Whether you get a number or not, you need to slow down your exit. Stay in the conversation for at least 10-15 seconds. Face her with your head held high, make good eye contact, and tell her you had a great time talking to her, either way.
If you got her number, you can continue chatting for a few minutes if it’s going well. Then let her know you’re excited to hang out again and you’ll hit her up. If you didn’t, smile and let her know it’s no problem. Tell her you still enjoyed the conversation and wish her a wonderful day.
One of my best friends just had a bad month. A really bad month.
He lives across the country but decided to fly to Boston to see some family and close friends, myself included. He needed to get away and seek the support of the people who care about him.
We spent a great couple of days together last week. Then unexpectedly, he texted me Tuesday morning asking if I wanted to hang out once more before he left.
I’ve been behind lately on some work stuff, specifically an idea for an article for this week. With my retreat on the horizon, some site changes in the works, and my first time mentoring someone to be a coach — I’ve got a lot on my plate.
Inviting my friend over would potentially mean not posting for over two weeks. I haven’t done that in maybe…ever. And in the end, it directly impacts my bottom line.
But saying no to him never even crossed my mind. This is someone I love like a brother. He’s always been there for me and I would do anything for him.
He is a true friend. So I invited him over.
(Coincidentally, hanging out with him inspired this article!)
As my wife and I talked with him, he spoke about how lucky he was to have amazing friends through these tough times. This got us talking about how true friendship is critical to long-term happiness. And also how rare those type of friendships are.
Most of us have only a few people we’d consider at that level, and many we’d consider acquaintances or casual friends. Some of us don’t any of these kinds of friends at all.
That’s because to consider someone a true friend, they have to have some very specific qualities. We are critical of the people we let get that close to us.
Eventually, our conversation led us to try and answer, “What should you look for in a true friend?” Here’s what we came up with.
They can they be vulnerable with you
There are so many awesome reasons for friendship…
You get to laugh with your friends and let loose from the daily stresses of life. You can go out with them and meet other people. You get to pursue your hobbies with someone by your side. You can take trips, go on adventures, and create unforgettable stories together.
What makes a friend a close friend, though, is their ability to have real, meaningful conversations with you.
This means that when you open up about something personal, they relate back with some depth. They don’t just keep things surface level or try to change the subject because it’s uncomfortable.
In turn, they open up to you when they’re hurting or need someone to talk to. They’re not concerned with maintaining a facade of always being fine and unfazed by life.
A close friend should be able to share their true feelings with you. They should be able to reveal their own struggles and insecurities at times. They should be willing to engage in hard conversations to support you and grow together.
Strong connections stem from vulnerability. When someone is willing to be seen and judged, we know they have “skin” in the relationship. This allows us to see their true character and begin to trust them on a deeper level.
Finding these close friends are worth it because when you face the inevitable hardships of life, you’ll want someone who can make you feel understood…and also make a well-timed dick joke.
They proactively show they care about you
Maintaining any substantial relationship is hard work.
The only way things thrive is when both people continue to invest in one another.
True friends understand this and because they value your relationship, they make time to see you. Or, at the very least, they reach out you periodically just to see how things are.
They send you something funny just to brighten your day. They check-in to make sure you’re okay and see if there’s anything they can do. They miss you and put in the effort to reconnect.
I know that we’re all busy, but there have never been more ways to reach out and connect with people. Most of my closest friends live out of state, but we make a conscious effort to text and call each other regularly. And when we can, we plan trips to meet up in-person.
A true friend also wants you to be happy. They don’t put you down, use you, or try to sabotage you. They’d never cockblock you for a random woman or treat you differently in front of people they admire.
They listen when you talk. They aren’t waiting for you to finish so they can get the attention back on them. They don’t try to show you up with a better story when you share yours.
And most importantly, they actually ask YOU questions. They’re curious about your world and your perspective. It seems so simple, yet it’s so incredibly sad how rare this is.
I’ve had hour-long conversations with people I’m genuinely interested in getting to know better. I’ve asked them all about themselves and they basically shared their life story. But at no point did they ever have the self-awareness or actual interest in asking questions to learn more about me.
Those situations are when I realize they might be a cool person to hang out with, but they’re not best friend material.
They show up for you, especially when it’s hard
It’s not difficult to get your buddy to show up at your party. Or to come play video games with you. Or to go on that weekend hiking trip with all the guys.
Getting a friend to hang out for good times is easy.
Getting a friend to show up for significant moments in your life is much harder. The times when you’re suffering or could really use some help will challenge their loyalty.
A true friend has to make sacrifices to support you. They will have to give up their time and energy and as we talked about earlier — be vulnerable with you. They’ll have to endure hard conversations and may even have to take care of you.
I invested many years in a friend of mine and was there for him when his father passed away. When I invited him to my wedding 9 months in advance, he told me a couple weeks before the wedding he couldn’t come because he had already planned a vacation.
I’ve processed it and I don’t hold any hard feelings. I just understand better now where his priorities lie and the nature of our friendship today.
Close friends know the value of strengthening your relationship. They are willing to compromise and be there for you, because they know you’d do the same for them.
That’s the loyalty of a true friend.
Maybe it’s because I’m from Boston, but Robin Williams’ quote in Good Will Hunting has always stood out to me…
“Why does he hang out with those retarded gorillas, as you called them? Because any one of them, if he asked them to, would take a fucking bat to your head, okay? It’s called loyalty.”
In the movie, all four friends fight and rag on each other. Their opinions and beliefs clash at times. They have different levels of intellect and different interests. But they care and respect each other so deeply that none of that matters.
They don’t abandon one another because of some tension or disagreements. They accept each other’s differences and stick together. Their close friends aren’t just friends, they’re family.
Last month, I visited a new city with some guy friends. It was our vacation time and an opportunity to go out for a few nights of fun.
We saw some live music, ate epic food, and visited a bunch of bars. Everywhere we went we were surrounded by beautiful (and seemingly single) women.
Throughout the trip, I saw my (also single) friends checking out a lot of girls.
Now I’m not one to pressure guys to “man up” and talk to every girl they may find attractive…but after the 10th time of seeing one of my friends check out a girl and do nothing about it, I decided to offer him some support. Let’s call him Dave.
I said, “Let’s go talk to her and her friends. I’ll do the introductions and you can come join me.”
And that’s when Dave told me one of the most common lies I hear from guys…
“I’m not trying to talk to anyone today. I’m just hanging out with my friends.”
I felt exasperated. Clearly, he was into her. Clearly, he was paying more attention to her than to his friends anyway. I’m sure it’d be worth taking five minutes away from us if he ended up getting a great date with her.
But it’s not just Dave I’m calling out — I’ve encountered this situation so many times.
Men go out with their buddies to restaurants, events, bars, whatever. They stay comfortable and always just socialize with each other. They don’t talk to women usually because those friends don’t, either.
When you do this, you’re missing out on some amazing experiences.
I’m not saying you should always be “hunting” for women with your friends. But, having fun while hanging with your friends can create some of the easiest, most organic opportunities to meet women. You also have a safety net – when you want a quick getaway or some support, you’ve got people who care about you close by.
Always saying, “I’m just hanging out” is an excuse because you’re scared. Here’s why I know that and how you can start meeting women while out with your friends.
Why I know you’re making excuses
I must sound like an arrogant dick. How dare I assume what Dave wanted? Maybe he really did just want to chill.
Sure, that could be true. But when this is recurring behavior, I start to get suspicious. But also, I have more than enough experience and indicators that tell me otherwise.
I’ll use my friend for reference, but I see these same patterns in a lot of my clients.
Each day, Dave said he just wanted to hang out. But then throughout the days, I’d see him looking at multiple women, multiple times. Sometimes, he’d point out a woman to the group and make comments about her attractiveness.
While we sat at a bar or restaurant, I noticed him swiping on apps like Tinder. He’d be trying to chat up women online while there were eligible women all around us! It feels so commonplace now to see people trying to meet others digitally while the real world is right there, passing them by.
Moreover, I know that, like most young men, Dave has read lots of dating and self-improvement advice online. He also watches porn with beautiful women, like most guys do.
So from all that, I knew he wanted to connect with some women. And unsurprisingly, on the last night of the trip, he cracked. He’d seen me chatting with lots of people and dropped the act.
He asked me, “Well, if I did want to talk to those girls, what would I say?”
I gave him some ideas and we ended up having a good time talking with a group of women. Fifteen minutes later, I looked over and saw him making out with the girl he liked.
Now you tell me…
Dave hangs out with his friends all the time. They go out together dozens of times every year.
Do you really think he regretted losing that time with us? Does he read all those dating tips just for fun? Is he watching those gorgeous women in porn because he’d prefer to keep them a fantasy?
Would he regret talking to that girl if she ended up being a long-term partner or even his wife?
Of course not!
That’s not a hypothetical, it happened to me. I met my wife at a bar solely because I got the courage to talk to her. It was the greatest decision of my life and I’ve never regretted it once.
Dave was only able to have that experience because he finally admitted to himself, and to his friends, that he wanted to do it. And that’s the first step you need to take, too.
Admitting to yourself
I think a lot of men have a hard time admitting they want to meet women in those moments because they’d eventually have to act on it. Then if they couldn’t act on it, they’d feel like a loser in front of their friends.
But that couldn’t be further from the truth. Admitting you want more for yourself, even while terrified, is a sign of courage — not weakness.
The men who constantly pretend like they don’t want to meet women (when they really do) are the epitome of insecurity. They’d sacrifice personal fulfillment for the protection of their ego. They’d prefer to stay safe and avoid judgement rather than be happy.
They’re the ones who will constantly lose out in life. They will miss out on meaningful experiences and connections and hinder their personal growth.
The man who at least admits he wants more can start to make progress, however slowly. Acceptance of change is a necessity for change.
As for feeling the pressure of having to approach…that’s all in your head. Just because you acknowledge you want to meet women doesn’t mean you need to do it RIGHT then or to every single woman.
This isn’t a race. You can take small steps. You can take your time. You can chicken out of a bunch of approaches.
Every big change takes time. It requires trial and error. It is riddled with missteps and temporary failures.
All that matters is you adopting that belief that you want to meet women. If that is deeply important to you and you’re willing to work towards it, you’ll get there.
Once you admit your true feelings to yourself, it can be even harder to admit them to your friends. Telling them that you want to meet girls while hanging out with them can be especially challenging if they aren’t very social themselves.
You may feel like they’ll think you’re weird or predatory. Or that they will judge you and make fun of you the whole time.
That doesn’t have to be the case, though.
You have to first understand that while your friends may not introduce themselves to new women, that doesn’t mean they’re against it.
Because again, deep down, every man wants that opportunity. We all want to find great partners and to have amazing romantic experiences. We all want to connect with women we desire because it’s a basic human need.
Other guys are sometimes challenged when they see you doing something they wish they could do. Your friends might feel insecure or threatened at seeing you seizing dating opportunities because they’re struggling to take action.
It’s likely that your friends are also just as nervous as you are. But if you can inspire them and even eventually help them, you’ll add tremendous value to their lives. You just have to present the idea the right way.
So telling your friends about your intentions comes down to being humble about it, taking the pressure off of them, and putting them in a position where you need their help.
Basically, empower them and once they see you making progress, they’ll often want to join in, too. Let’s talk about how to have that conversation…
Having the “I want to meet women” talk with your friends
The first step is to tell your friends you want to do this for yourself. You want them to feel no pressure that they have to participate until they want to.
Don’t frame it like you’re trying to pick up girls. That only gives them ammunition to make fun of you for trying to be some suave player.
Instead, let them know you want to start meeting more people organically. That can be because you’re frustrated with online dating and feel that it hasn’t produced any good connections. Or you can be truly vulnerable with them and say you’ve struggled to be social in the past and you want to gain more confidence.
When you come from a place of humility, real friends are more likely to support you and not feel intimidated.
You can do this before you guys go out or even in the moment. If you want to give them a heads up, say something like “I want to push myself to get more comfortable socializing with women.” If you’re already out, you can say, “I really want to introduce myself to that girl over there and try to talk to her.”
From there, let them know how they can help. It could just be that you need moral support if things don’t work out exactly as planned. It could be that you want them to hype you up when you see someone you want to approach.
You could even play the money game where you give them money (let’s say $60) and you get $20 back each time you introduce yourself to someone. They keep whatever money you don’t earn back.
This is about you to start with — so don’t call out your friends if they aren’t ready and don’t rub it in their faces when things go well. The best thing you can do is slowly gain more experience and let them see how much fun you’re having. Many times, they’ll soon drop their guard and want to meet new people with you.
Once your friends show that hint of curiosity, you can invite them to join you. You can share what’s been working for you and even offer to take the lead the first few times.
If you’re lucky enough to have friends who regularly talk to women, ask them for help. Show them you’re impressed by what they do and want to learn from them. They can be your wingman and start by bringing you into their conversations.
Follow the steps above and you should have the support of your friends. They may not always approach with you but they will be there for you.
In rare instances, you may encounter some friends who refuse to support you or even try to sabotage your growth. This is an unfortunate reality I’ve dealt with myself.
There are just some people who can’t overcome their own insecurities. They may be jealous of your progress and want to keep you down with them.
Your best chance is to let them know you don’t appreciate the way they’re treating you. If they care about you, they’ll realize their wrongdoing and lay off.
If they don’t, then I would focus on meeting women with other friends. I may even reconsider the friendship overall. Real friends want the best for you. They don’t have to join you, but they should be there for you.
I had some old friends who could never accept my personal development journey and I had to walk away for my own good.
How to put this into practice
This article wouldn’t be complete without some guidance on how to start meeting women practically. I want to give you a few core steps to make that happen while with your friends.
Take the pressure off of yourself. Anxiety stems from obsessing over the future or being stuck in the past. Like I said earlier, this isn’t a race. You don’t need to be perfect and you can slip up in the pursuit of getting better.
You’re not less of a man if you’re too nervous to seize an opportunity in the moment. Let it go, there will be infinite chances. Praise yourself for even thinking about trying, then go back to hanging out with your friends and enjoy yourself.
Empower yourself with better body language. When we’re scared, our body language presents that to the world. But if you intentionally change your body language to showcase confidence, your mindset will shift to mimic that body language. Basically, you can make yourself feel strong and capable with just a few small tweaks.
Get excited before you go out. Dance your ass off while getting ready or listen to your favorite pump up music in the car. Play a game of table tennis with your friends. Do whatever makes you naturally loose and expressive in your body.
Try power posing before you go out or even at the venue. Go to the bathroom at the venue if necessary. This is where you hold a confident pose for two minutes. It’s scientifically backed to make you feel powerful and strong.
Finally, read up on the basics of confident body language. Build a habit of keeping your body open and standing tall. You can consciously do this while talking to your friends. If you’re closing off your body and keeping your head down while out, you’re going to have a hard time doing anything.
Take the smallest steps you need. Learning to be more social follows the same process as building any other skill. You need to be patient and take your time.
Just focus on making small, consistent efforts towards your goals. You can make eye contact across the room, you could say something in passing, you could talk to someone for one minute and then leave. You could talk to the least intimidating new person around you.
You don’t need to immediately be holding 30 minute conversations with beautiful women. Setting the foundation and chipping away at your bigger goal will get you there before you know it.
Replace your anxiety or fear with more empowering emotions. When we feel an emotion, we can’t just turn it off. We have to replace that emotion with another emotion. So if you want to start meeting women, you have to let more encouraging emotions fuel you.
Most guys stay stuck worrying about the approval of other people. They only think about how to impress new women. They stress about sounding stupid or being rejected.
Instead, you need to be present in the moment. Be mindful of your feelings. Have an opinion. What do you want to share with these girls? Have you read anything interesting lately? Is there anything you’re curious about? What do you think is cool about them?
Meeting people with friends can be one of the easiest and most memorable ways to do so.
You can be each other’s wingmen and have each other’s backs. You can laugh over situations and create unforgettable stories or connections. You can all raise each other up and become stronger, together.
People have a strong reaction when I tell them I’m a dating coach.
Many guys get standoffish or defensive. They’re personally challenged by the idea that I critique men on their confidence and ability with women. Some poke fun at the men who need that advice to deflect the attention off of themselves.
It’s funny that a lot of those same guys eventually gain the courage to ask for my insight. Usually, that’s after they realize I’m down-to-earth and non-judgmental…or after a few drinks.
Some women think I must teach weird creeps to manipulate people. Or that I’m a “player” douchebag. Or that I must have questionable morals to do what I do.
But most women are actually curious and fascinated by the idea. They love discussing relationships and want to hear more about my perspective.
So while the majority of women are supportive of my career, it’s completely different once a woman is actually dating me. It challenges their security within the relationship.
I get it – my work isn’t easy for many women to handle. I teach men how to attract beautiful women, help write messages to those women, and most controversial of all, I act as a “wingman” to my in-person clients.
Early on, I realized that if I decided to get into a long-term relationship, I needed someone who was not only comfortable with my work, but truly believed in it as much as I did. My wife trusts me and is a huge supporter of what I teach. She encourages me every day, and that’s the only way our relationship could work.
Having someone who values my career is essential. Similarly, here are 5 core values you and your partner need to agree on for a relationship to thrive.
Long distance is only temporary
I’ve never been a fan of long-distance relationships for myself. But I know many couples who’ve started that way and ended with lasting, happy connections.
The ones who succeeded had two things in common…
First, they made frequent efforts to see each other in-person (at least monthly). Second, they made plans for one of them to move closer to the other, sooner than later. The second part is crucial.
Every long distance relationship has a time limit — some studies put that around 5-14 months. We’re human and need face-to-face interactions to connect with the people closest to us, especially our intimate partners. We need to feel loved and desired, and occasional meetups can only satisfy that for so long.
If you’ve been dating someone for months and think there’s serious potential, you need to discuss your future options together. At least one of you has to be willing to uproot their lives and move.
This takes planning and compromise. You have to consider family, friends, education, and the ability to find new employment in a given location.
If your partner can’t/won’t leave (let’s say for good reason) and you won’t either, then it’s not going to work. You shouldn’t mislead someone that you’ll be able to move eventually if you know deep down, you won’t.
Either commit to making things work or move on so you can both find more suitable relationships.
The role of religion in your lives
There may be nothing that has a stronger hold on us than our beliefs. For some people, their religious beliefs (or lack thereof) are an integral part of who they are. It influences how they live.
It can weigh on you when your partner believes in something different. You both may ignore it for a while, but there needs to be some resolution for there to be a future together.
The conversation starts by each of you communicating why your current beliefs are important to you. You need to understand one another’s perspectives and values to help you empathize. Otherwise, it’s easy to take things personally and feel like your beliefs are being threatened.
With that understanding, you can then talk about your needs and expectations. That will enable you to find compromise and meet each other halfway…if that’s possible.
Can you accept the other person not adopting your beliefs as long as they accept yours? Can you promise not to secretly resent your partner? Could you live happily with someone if they say they could never become a believer? Would you occasionally join your partner at church to support them? Would you attend a religious service to see what it’s like if you’ve never tried it?
These are the questions you need to answer together. Because the relationship can only work with one of two outcomes:
Either you accept each other’s differences and love each other despite them. Or one person shift theirs beliefs enough (because they authentically want to) to satisfy the other.
The importance of family approval
Family is everything to a lot of people, myself included. We cherish their love and value their opinions.
Sometimes, though, family doesn’t approve of the people you date. That complicates things because you want to satisfy and appease your family, but also follow your heart.
If they’ve got good reason (like you’re in a controlling or abusive relationship), I understand they’re looking out for you. But other times, family may not approve of someone due to race, intellect, career, or even gender. And as much as I love family, I don’t think it’s right for them to dictate your happiness.
I’ve seen a lot of relationships fail when one person can’t look past their family’s disapproval. Sometimes they think they can, but when the reality sets in that their parents might not financially support them, want to ever see them together, or even threaten to disown them — they give in.
If you or the person you’re with is in this situation, you have to make a choice. You both need to sit down and discuss the real consequences that may occur if you stay together. You then both have to accept that fate if it happens or acknowledge you can’t handle that reality.
If you decide to see this relationship through, then the person struggling with their family has to clearly communicate that decision to them. You can’t put it off or tell your partner that you will do it some time down the line. You need to tell your loved ones you’ve committed to the relationship and you hope they can come to accept that.
Family should want their children to be happy and live their own lives.
The expectations for your sex life
Intimacy is a core human need. Unless you’re asexual, you will need to get that need met in a romantic connection.
Everyone has a different level of desire and threshold for how long they can hold out. On average, research shows that people who want sex in a relationship, need it at least once a week.
Some people, though, wait on those needs for long periods of time based on religious and cultural values. And other people unfortunately struggle to be more intimate due to trauma or sexual shame.
Sex drive incompatibility can be a controversial subject to talk about, especially early in a relationship. But it’s important to uncover the obstacles that may keep your partner from intimacy – like religion, shame, or decreased interest over time.
Ask them why they feel this way. Share how important intimacy is to you. Find out how you can make them feel comfortable and desired.
When it comes to religious beliefs or cultural traditions, I’ve found that this isn’t something most people will readily abandon. And coercing someone into betraying their values never ends well.
If your partner is dealing with general shame, trauma, or anxiety — open communication, reassurance, patience, and time can help build your sexual bond.
Moreover, if you’re already in a long-term relationship and the sex isn’t as frequent as you’d like, try to understand why your partner isn’t feeling as intimate.
Maybe they’re overly stressed out. Maybe they haven’t realized how important it is to you. Maybe they have other sexual needs or kinks that feels fulfilling.
Maybe you stopped trying as hard both in the relationship and in bed. You stopped creating some variety or giving the proper time for foreplay.
And sometimes, it’s realizing the attraction has died and the relationship has run its course.
For most people, finding sexual harmony in a relationship is a must. You might be able to convince yourself to wait months or years for a partner to be ready. But you’ll be miserable throughout and stray or break up when you inevitably can’t take it anymore.
Mutual respect is non-negotiable
Without respect in a relationship, you have nothing. I cannot stress that enough. This is the core value your relationship needs to have.
It means being honest with your significant other even when it’s hard because you know they deserve the truth. It’s accepting them for their faults. It’s working towards solutions when you disagree rather than trying to prove the other person wrong. It’s showing up for them when they really need it.
Someone who tries to control you does not respect you. Someone who repeatedly lies to you does not respect you. Someone who never values your time and is always aloof does not respect you.
Having an emotionally or physically abusive partner is not okay…ever. They do not respect you.
If you don’t have respect, I don’t care if you have fun together. It won’t matter if you like all the same things. It’s pointless if you find them irresistible.
Because without respect comes disrespect. Then comes resentment and contempt. They will sabotage your personal growth. There will always be turmoil and turbulence. There will always be a tremendous amount of pain.
You’ll never be treated the way you want or feel you deserve. And therefore you can’t have a healthy, happy connection.
It’s not your job to fix them and nor is it endearing. Strong relationships only last when both people want have absolute respect for one another.
So choose people who you respect and who show you respect from the start. Communicate your boundaries and express them when they’re challenged.
Most of all, don’t stay with people who routinely disrespect you after you keep voicing your concerns.
Money has been a symbol of status and power for thousands of years. And for thousands of years, women have desired wealthy men.
It makes sense…money makes the world go ‘round.
A man with money provides stability and a better standard of living. He can support children. He can offer new experiences.
We, as men, know this. It’s why so many of us work hard, dress to impress, and buy possessions that display our financial status. We want to position ourselves as high-value mates over other men.
However, some guys take this too far. They shower women they just met with absurd amounts of money. They pay for fancy dinners, lavish gifts, and high-end vacations.
The thing is, overspending doesn’t always get you the outcome you desire. It can be a viable option when you’re looking for a short-term hookup or a one-night stand…but when you’re looking for a more substantial connection, using money to attract women only sabotages your chances.
I’m here to argue that money buys you attention, not affection.
It will influence less than you think
As I said, women value money…but the value of money is relative.
Money matters much more when it directly impacts your survival. It carries a lot of weight when it’s the difference between having food and shelter or starving and being homeless. It matters less when it will just buy you a newer smartphone or designer clothes.
While there’s still tremendous poverty in the world, global living standards have increased significantly.
So in really poor areas, money can still buy romantic loyalty, even if it’s not out of true love. But if you’re in North America, Europe, or Australia — chances are the women you meet will be in more stable financial conditions. Your money will have less influence.
The influence of money is also dictated by scarcity.
Not only do more people have a stronger financial foundation, but for young, attractive women — money isn’t that hard to come by.
Women have their own successful careers and independence. Some have also been financially supported by their family. And it’s easy for beautiful women to get men from bars or online dating to spoil them.
The point is, throwing money at women isn’t going to be enough to make them stay with you.
You send an unattractive message
But even if your money doesn’t buy a woman’s loyalty, what’s the harm? Isn’t it just another tool at your disposal?
For a woman to seriously consider you, she first has to become emotionally attracted to YOU. She should want to connect with you for your personality. She should desire your confidence, character, kindness, and sexuality.
She must value you as a potential lover first and foremost. Then you can eventually be a provider as well.
When you’re trying to impress a woman with money, what are you conveying?
You’re telling her that your primary value is what you can offer. You’re showing her that your real assets are…your assets. Not you.
And the fact that you give up those assets so readily to someone you barely know tells her you don’t really value yourself. You are desperate. Because any man who has worked hard for his money wouldn’t give it up so frivolously.
When you position yourself as the guy who buys a woman off, she won’t see you as the top-shelf guy she wants. She knows how it feels to be truly attracted to a guy, and she’ll know that she’s not attracted to you in the same way.
You’ll always be the backup plan whose primary role is to provide for her. She may settle with you because it’s easy…but not because she’s in love with you.
You lie to yourself and overlook important people in your life
Maybe you’re still trying to justify spending your money on these new women.
Maybe you have a lot of money and it’s not a big deal to part with some of it. You just want to be a generous, nice person to a woman who may not be as fortunate.
Every time I challenge a guy who makes this claim, he eventually reveals that yes, he does have ulterior motives.
Deep down, you’re still trying to manipulate a woman into liking you. You’re not as innocent and charitable as you think.
Just think: you probably don’t do this with other people in your life (especially the ones you don’t want to sleep with).
If you really want to be generous, think of the people who have cared for you and invested in your for years. Don’t they need your support? Couldn’t your friends and family use some help? Aren’t there charities you care about who could really use that aid?
So the fact that you’d rather spend your money on a woman you don’t even know tells me you’re not doing it out of the kindness of your heart.
And if I can see through the ruse — women can, too.
You attract the wrong women who will leave you
What type of woman do you think chases men primarily for their money?
By placing yourself as a financial provider first, you’re likely to attract women who value money over genuine connections.
These are women who care most about living a lavish lifestyle. They will pretend to be invested in you as long as they get that monetary value.
You’re also setting her up to consistently expect that kind of spending because that’s what she wants out of the relationship. You’ll have to keep financing her lifestyle as long as you’re together.
I’ve seen these types of women gaslight men, use sex as a bargaining chip, threaten to leave, and cause endless drama.
I’ve watched men keep buying their women big homes, fancy cars, luxurious vacations, plastic surgery procedures, and loads of high-end jewelry. Almost always they run out of money…even the rich. Many multi-millionaire athletes and celebrities have lost their wealth due to fruitless spending on women or through divorce.
Eventually, you’re going to run out of money or your woman is going to find a man who she’s both attracted to as a person AND/OR has money. When you have nothing left to offer, there’s no reason for her to stay.
If you want a casual hookup, be forward and obvious
So when does using money as your primary value work with women? When you’re looking for quick sex and not much more. Also, when you’re looking for a relationship based on what you both can provide for each other (money, sex, attention) and not based on deep emotional connection.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with either of those scenarios. You just have to understand the dynamic and expectations, and not delude yourself into thinking something substantial will materialize.
These guys approach women and immediately start pampering them. They buy them drinks, offer rides in their sports cars, take them shopping, and wine and dine them at the best restaurants. They even plan spontaneous getaways.
But at the same time, they’re extremely bold and sexual. They tell women they’re just “looking for some casual fun” and “a good time”. They say they aren’t looking for a relationship. They flirt openly and don’t hesitate to make a move.
This places your intentions and expectations above board with a woman. She then can decide if she’s down for that kind of arrangement and whether or not she’s attracted enough to sleep with you.
If she’s good with this, you’ve got a mutual understanding between two adults. Spoil her as you wish and have some fun sex in return.
If you want to date her, don’t lead with money
If you want to date a woman (for real) or find a long-term healthy relationship, you need to change strategies.
You have to offer your personality as your primary value.
Focus on building a connection by listening well and being an engaging conversationalist. Show her your courage by being a more assertive leader. Turn her on by flirting with her.
You alone should be enough to attract her. If you can’t accomplish that, she’s just not that into you.
Let her recognize your financial status passively. She can learn about it when you tell her about your career. She can see it in your car, your clothes, or when you invite her back to your place. She can even feel it in the way you carry yourself.
That way, she sees your potential as a provider without it being the ONLY thing you have to offer. You’re showing you have self-worth by not trying to win her over with your money.
This doesn’t mean you have to be a cheapskate. You can pay for a drink or a meal on a date. You can pay for her museum ticket or take her to a local music show. But you shouldn’t be doing anything extravagant during the first few dates with a woman you’re serious about.
You can invest your money in her after she’s invested in you. That means she shows you interest, vulnerability, and emotional intimacy. Give yourself time to see if you connect to who she really is, especially after the initial infatuation wears off.
And even then, I would caution being the man who constantly spoils his partner. You should balance being fiscally responsible with indulgence. Because if you don’t value your money, why should she?
I love taking my wife out for a date night or going on a big vacation together. Because we have a connection built on respect and genuine intimacy, those gestures are meaningful and appreciated…but not a requirement.
Once she sees you as an ATM, you’ll never be the man of her dreams.
When I take risks in life, they’re calculated. I consider the probability of getting the outcome I want. I use patterns and statistics to make informed decisions.
But when it comes to dating, there isn’t really a source of concrete data that can tell you what will happen in a given scenario.
So think of me as the next best thing — your dating database. I’ve talked to thousands of people about their romantic lives over the past 11 years. I’ve gotten an inside look into their actions, other people’s reactions, and how it all played out.
Honestly, I probably know what’s going to happen to you before it even happens, based on the choices you plan to make.
Of course, there’s always a margin for error. But for the most part, when dealing with the game of life…
You need to play the odds in your favor.
You need to make the smart calls that will most likely result in favorable outcomes.
And my advice on the smartest decisions may challenge you. You may think you’re in a completely unique situation that’s never, ever happened before. But I can tell you that your scenario is more likely to follow a pattern than to be an outlier.
So I’m here to share common romantic situations and, based on the odds, the most likely outcomes.
It’s up to you to play those odds or roll the dice.
If you go enter a relationship with the hopes of “fixing” the other person, odds are you will have a broken relationship. You can’t change someone else until they’re ready to change themselves. What usually ends up happening is you resent them for not becoming the person you want, and they resent you for not loving them for who they are.
If you date someone you’re not physically attracted to, odds are you won’t eventually find them irresistible. I’m not saying you should only care about looks, but they play an important role in the initial screening process for potential partners.
Unfortunately, a lot of people settle with someone they’re not attracted to so they don’t have to be alone anymore. They feel the societal pressure to “settle down” or may even feel sorry for the other person. They hope things will change but when they don’t, they’re left stuck in an unfulfilling relationship. Plus, they’re going to have to break someone’s heart who’s now more invested in them.
If you don’t take good photos for online dating, odds are you’ll get poor results and hate the process. Guys spend months or years swiping and messaging endlessly with only a few dates to show for it. If they’d just spend a few hours taking better pictures, they’d get an infinitely higher return on investment.
If you’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect you, odds are things won’t change. I understand that every relationship takes work. But if you’re with someone who puts you down, sabotages your independence, cheats on you, lies regularly, or emotionally or physically abuses you — you don’t have a real relationship.
I don’t care if they say sorry, you still have fun together otherwise, or you just feel madly in love and attracted to them. You’re almost always better off finding someone who will treat you well.
If you try to control your partner from cheating on you, odds are you won’t prevent them from cheating. When someone wants to stray, they’re going to do so regardless of how many tabs you keep on them. In fact, being jealous, paranoid, and restrictive encourages people to escape your grasp and rebel. It’s human nature.
You’re better off strengthening your relationship through honest communication and building deep levels of trust and respect. You should encourage each other’s independence and allow your partner to have their own life, too. Because if your partner is deeply fulfilled and feels connected to you, they’re less likely to seek having their needs met elsewhere.
If you base your whole life around attracting women, odds are you’ll struggle to connect with women and lack real self-worth. Men who obsess over gaining approval from women (and don’t have their own independent lifestyle, friends, and hobbies) get to a point where they can’t even engage with women normally.
Every interaction becomes a calculated effort trying to conquer those women instead of just seeing if you two have a connection. You’re more anxious because of it, come off needy, and get poor results that makes you feel worse about yourself. On the flip side…
If you just wait around at home believing love will find you, odds are you’ll end up feeling isolated and alone. You need to live in the real world: discover things you’re passionate about and try new experiences that are fulfilling to you. Within those moments, you will then naturally encounter similar-minded people you want to connect with. You can take those opportunities and build new relationships.
If you play it safe with women you like and pretend to be their friend, odds are you will struggle to build intimate relationships. You’re not creating deeper attraction by being their friend. You will get rejected early on or when you eventually decide to show interest. You will watch those same women become sexually attracted to other men and you may even begin to resent women for never choosing you, the “nice guy”.
If you don’t go/ask for a kiss by the first three dates, odds are you won’t get another chance. When women agree to go on a date with you, that means they’re evaluating you as a potential intimate partner. They know why you’re there. Not making a move shows them you lack confidence and it doesn’t facilitate necessary sexual chemistry.
If you go for a kiss and don’t get it, odds are you’re still more likely to get another date with that woman than if you hadn’t tried. That is, as long as you’re okay with her not being ready and respect those wishes.
Again, women know you’re interested and showing interest is an attractive quality. It demonstrates leadership and self-confidence which women find desirable. If they weren’t ready then and you respected that, they will find you more attractive for having the courage to go for what you wanted.
If you chase women who don’t reply to you, never commit to dates, and cancel on you last minute, odds are you’re never going to get the connection you desire. They’re not going to magically wake up one day and realize you’re the top-shelf guy they want. You’ll waste a lot of time, energy, and emotional health pursuing them for not much in return.
In rare cases, you may get a date or hook up — but at what cost? Her lack of respect for you in general will only lower your self-esteem. You put these women on a pedestal when in reality, they don’t often make for quality partners (at least until they work on themselves). You’re always better off pursuing other women who are interested and communicative with you.
If a woman shows interest in you, odds are you have to return that interest quickly or else you will lose that romantic connection. When women go out of their way to compliment you, touch you, and flirt with you — they’re being vulnerable. They want to know whether or not you’re interested in them, too.
When you don’t reciprocate (even though you ARE interested), they can feel rejected or stupid for being forward. Women struggle with a lot of shame about being “too available” (although I don’t believe in that). When they feel negative about the situation, the easy solution is often to just walk away.
If you wait a long time to ask a woman out over text, odds are she’ll lose interest. When you send mundane texts trying to dance around what you really want, you’re hurting yourself more than helping. You think you’re building a connection and you are…to a point. But real connections are made face-to-face.
Women mostly need to know that they can have a fun, safe, and positive experience with you. That takes days at most, not weeks or months. Once you have a few lighthearted moments or laughs, they’re excited to explore that connection in-person.
Delaying meeting up can bore them, frustrate them, and give them time to second-guess seeing you. You’re just showing how timid you are which is not going to excite a woman to meet up with you.
If a woman under 40 gives you her number, odds are texting is more likely to get a response than calling. In fact, I’ve seen connections completely end because a guy called out of nowhere. I wish it wasn’t like that, but it is.
More and more people are used to text communication and responding on their own time. When you a call a woman unexpectedly, she can feel forced to have a full conversation with someone she doesn’t know well. She may feel unprepared and caught off guard.
With all that uncertainty and anxiety, women will often just ignore your call. Then they’ll feel awkward about the whole thing and sometimes convince themselves that the connection wasn’t worth it. Instead, it’s better if you just shoot a few texts to start a dialogue and simply say something like, “Hey it’s easier to talk on the phone, let me call you in 10.” Giving that heads up makes a huge difference in getting her to answer the phone.
If you think you’ll never meet or attract women because of your overall looks, skin color, height, or financial status, odds are you’re WRONG. While everyone has their own preferences, there are plenty of women who will want to connect with you regardless of those things. I’ve witnessed men of all types become confident, charismatic, and build the relationships they want.
It’s not you, but your limiting beliefs that are sabotaging you. Maybe you don’t take enough opportunities to introduce yourself. Maybe you don’t invite out the women you talk to. Maybe you’re too serious over remote communication. Or maybe you just don’t act assertive enough or flirt to build attraction.
All these ideas can be learned. You can adjust your behaviors and gain experiences that shape a new mindset. But if you think you’re “permanently broken” and hopeless, odds are you’ll prove yourself right.
These decisions can have a huge impact on your life. Do you really want to gamble with your happiness?
It seems like every day we see another sexual harassment or assault scandal unfold.
It’s heart-wrenching and often sickening. I can’t even imagine what the victims went through.
The silver lining is that these stories have brought attention to a seriously messed up problem. And awareness is the first step towards change.
But with any new movement, it comes with problems of its own. When people are emotional and passionate, some initially go to extremes to eventually find a reasonable middle ground.
So in an effort to protect a lot of young women from shit bags, good guys sometimes get lumped in. Awkward men who make bumbling advances or struggle with social skills are painted in the same light as men committing genuine sexual assault with malicious intent.
I don’t think that’s always fair. Courtship and communication is hard enough as it is. Nobody really teaches these things growing up. I believe there’s a much deeper, nuanced discussion to be had.
Now, I’m seeing countless young men who are just inexperienced, awkward, or uneducated on romance becoming terrified of dating! Nearly every time they first speak with me, they share how they’re more hesitant than ever to introduce themselves to women or show interest. They believe if they do that, they’ll be ostracized by their peers, society, and face legal ramifications.
This CAN’T be a long-term solution. We know that taking initiative to meet people yields more connections. We know that a huge part of building healthy sexual chemistry and mutual attraction comes through flirting.
The good news is that I believe if you show your romantic interest respectfully, communicate well, and are aware of social cues — the chances of something going awry are slim. Shit only hits the fan when you don’t follow those three ideas.
My goal today is to help you avoid misunderstandings and regrettable situations. If we do that, we can prevent a lot of pain for everyone.
Avoid people directly under you at work if possible.
I never completely bought into the “don’t shit where you eat” saying. While dating co-workers can be risky, there are also endless amounts of couples who’ve done it successfully.
Things get trickier when the person of interest is a direct subordinate. You have influence over their job. That means some people may feel pressured or coerced into dating you for the safety of their position.
Unless you really like this person for more than just a hookup, tread with caution.
If you really want to date a co-worker (especially a subordinate), don’t flirt on the job.
Compliments on appearance, bold statements showing interest, physical contact, and anything sexual is off the table. Again, unwanted flirtatious advances in that environment can get dicey real quick.
Instead, you can have a lighthearted conversation and then ask them to grab a drink or dinner some night. This implies you want to see them in a more personal context. I may even be more obvious in that regard and also reassure them they can say no.
“I’d love to take you for a drink and get to know you better. No pressure at all, though.”
Don’t set false expectations.
Usually, you know when you’re not looking for anything more than a causal connection with a girl. But you’re afraid of being honest because you don’t want to lose her (or lose the potential for sex).
So instead, you tell her that you don’t know what you want. Maybe you say you’re open to a relationship if things go well. Maybe you even commit to her in the short term with plans to break it off after you get what you want.
This may be one of the most stupid, inconsiderate, and even inhumane things some guys do. You should never make false promises or lead a woman on to get laid.
Having sex with someone is one of the most vulnerable acts humans engage in. It’s so easy to get emotionally hurt, scarred, and be left with serious baggage. Everyone should get to decide to have sex when they’re fully informed about the other person’s intentions.
Getting laid through manipulation isn’t worth it. You fuck people up and they feel betrayed by you. That’s when you get regret and them telling others you took advantage of them.
If you’ve texted or called a woman two or three times and she hasn’t replied, leave it be. The same goes if you’ve invited her out multiple times and she hasn’t committed nor offered a day when she’s available.
By now she knows you want to connect with her. It’s up to her to reciprocate. Continuing to follow up doesn’t look more confident, only more desperate and intense.
Repeated communication without a response can come across as stalking or harassment, even when that may not be your intent.
Never show up to a woman’s job or home unannounced.
These environments are safe havens for women. Most don’t want to mix their romantic lives with their work lives. They don’t want to risk awkward or intense moments in front of co-workers. They could be judged or even potentially lose their job.
Showing up to their house can also take away their sense of security. They now feel like you can harass them at their home anytime you want.
I don’t care if you had an amazing first date or two. Unless she’s told you to stop by or you have regularly gone to her work before you met her (like at Starbucks), don’t do it. Especially don’t do so if she’s not responding after a date and you believe you can get her out again by “surprising” her.
When a woman says to stop contacting her and she’s not interested, listen.
Rejection hurts and even more so when you felt like you had a real connection. But once a girl tells you to back off, you need to respect her wishes.
I can’t tell you how much of my time coaching is spent convincing men to stop pursuing women who aren’t interested. They’re so obsessed with salvaging their ego, they miss all the other opportunities for healthy connections around them.
A woman rejecting you isn’t some hidden code to beg her for another chance. Or to guilt trip her. Or to keep randomly following up with her every few days or weeks until she caves. Or to freak out and insult her when she doesn’t change her mind.
Harassment is literally defined as “aggressive pressure or intimidation.” What do you think those actions convey?
Don’t be intimate with a woman for the first time if she’s heavily intoxicated.
I don’t think someone being drunk automatically makes them unable to consent. If that were the case, a huge portion of the population would be guilty of sexual assault.
That said, there comes a point when people are clearly not in their right state of mind. They can’t fully understand everything that’s going on or make healthy decisions.
Even the law has a hard time with this because there’s no defined amount. It’s different for everyone and you have to use your best judgement. You know when someone is stumbling, slurring their words, puking, getting absurdly loud, or not making much sense — they’re probably too far gone.
If possible, try to avoid her getting that drunk in the first place. If you’re drinking and you feel she’s going past a stable limit, say something like, “How about we just relax and talk for a bit?” or “What if we stop drinking for awhile and just chill?”
If your date gets to that point where she’s too intoxicated, do not proceed towards sex. Even if she’s telling you she wants you. Even if she claims she’s horny and fine. Even if she seems angry at you or tries to bait you into it when you’re rejecting her advances.
It’s WAY too grey area and I’ve seen many women thank men the next day for not pushing forward because they truly weren’t thinking straight.
If she gets upset things didn’t progress and doesn’t want to see you again, that’s fine. It wasn’t worth the risk. The right woman will understand that you had good intentions and find that even more sexy for your future encounters.
Limit your alcohol consumption to a reasonable amount as well.
There’s nothing wrong with enjoying a couple of drinks. But again, when it comes to courtship, there’s a point when drinking any more isn’t going to do anything good for you.
When you’re heavily intoxicated you become way more bold while simultaneously losing your ability to pick up on social and non-verbal cues. This combination has made many guys push way too hard without realizing that the girl isn’t ready.
Your emotions tend to get amplified as well. When a girl gives you resistance, that hurt feels much more intense. You then feel overwhelmed with emotion and can end up taking it out on her.
Most of the benefits of alcohol, like a mood boost or more confidence, come within those first couple of drinks anyway. After that, you’re just getting sloppier. Sometimes, you even wake up the next day without even remembering an experience which should be cherished.
And if you really need that much alcohol on a date, I’d ask you…
I feel like half the stories I read of people getting in trouble with sexual advances is about them unexpectedly pulling out their junk on women. They show it off at work or just casually when their date turns around back at their place.
This is usually followed by some lame attempt to point at their stuff implying she should “do something”. Or they use some subtle coercion like, “Just give it a try.”
You must not understand women at all if you resort to this shit.
If a woman’s not ready for sex or aroused enough, seeing a surprise penis won’t get her going. Women don’t get turned on by random dicks unless they’re already feeling attracted to the individual.
In some cases, women go along with it because they feel trapped or don’t want to disappoint you.
If you actually just took the time to comfort her, turn her on slowly, and respect her boundaries when she sets them — you’ll get laid. And probably not just once, but over and over.
When a woman’s excited to hook up, she’ll even pull your penis out for you. It’s amazing!
Give a girl permission to tell you no during foreplay or sex.
In an ideal world, we’d all communicate our boundaries. Many times, though, a woman will be alone with a guy and realize she’s hitting her limits but will be too afraid to say anything.
It’s tough to tell someone you don’t want to continue sexually when they’re revved up. Especially when you’re alone in a house and he can physically overpower you.
A lot of these communication issues can be solved through reassurance. As you’re starting to hook up, just tell her, “We’ll only take this as far as you want.” or “You can tell me at any time if you want to slow down or stop.”
A few words can make a women feel more secure with you and trust that you have her best interests in mind. That, in turn, often allows more space for her to get aroused with you. It’s a win-win for everyone.
Be mindful of body language when making a move.
If you’re getting non-verbal signals that show hesitance, don’t proceed. That could be her moving your hands off of you, turning her body away, closing her body, or facial signs of nervousness or discomfort.
Like I said, it makes some women nervous to verbally reject a man’s sexual advances when alone with him. They may have even had negative experiences with this in the past.
So if you’re uncertain about how she’s feeling, ask for clarity. Say, “Are you okay with this?”, “Are you comfortable right now?”, or “Do you want to keep going?”
Don’t leave your future (and hers) to guess-work.
If you get a verbal no, stop what you’re doing until you get a yes or consent.
This is fairly straightforward. If things are progressing sexually and you hit a point where she says stop or “I’m not ready” — you stop. You don’t tell her “Shhh, it’ll be okay,” “Let’s just try a little more,” or stop for a second and then continue trying.
You can only start things up again when she’s told you she wants to. Or, when you ask her what she wants and she gives you permission. For example, “Can I kiss you again?” or “What are you comfortable with?”
Sometimes when a woman says “no”, she’s saying it to a specific boundary, not your entire sexual encounter. And the only way to find that out is through compassionate communication. By doing this, you can often still be intimate in other ways and continue to build trust for the next time you’re together.
Don’t use any “tactics” or “manipulation” to get a girl to sleep with you.
Imagine…things are getting hot in the bedroom and at some point, she tells you she’s not ready. She doesn’t want to continue.
Now you’re frustrated as all hell and maybe even taking it a little personally. After all this, you don’t want to go home feeling like an empty-handed loser.
Maybe you read somewhere that if you give her a cold shoulder she’ll come around. You act distant or make her feel bad for leading you on. You think with a little more persistence, you’ll get her to change her mind.
You might be right and “convince” that girl to sleep with you. But just like pulling out your junk to pressure her, she’s going to feel used. She’s going to reflect on that experience with anger, disgust, and remorse — as she should.
Your temporary satisfaction can scar her and get you in serious trouble. Is it really worth it?
Don’t message her friends or co-workers to get her back unless you have a close, personal relationship with them.
A woman stops taking your messages or rejects you outright. You get the bright idea to win her back through her friends.
You add these strangers on social media and start explaining what happened. You tell her friends about your dates and share personal details. You beg for them to help you out and message her to give you another chance.
This woman is not going to find it charming, only manipulative and stalkerish. She’s going to think you invaded her private life, harassed her friends, shared things she may have wanted to keep private, and that you’re totally oblivious to social norms. It also makes her look bad in front of her friends — who she now has to apologize to.
I have never seen this work even once.
A little compassion and understanding creates fun, healthy dating experiences for everybody.
I know a lot of stupid smart people. AKA I know a lot of stubborn smart people.
These are people who are inflexible in their intellectual beliefs.
And in this modern world, that doesn’t work. Being inherently smart is not enough. You need to be able to broaden your horizons, decipher fresh information efficiently, and adopt new ways of thinking.
Because new perspectives lead to seeking out new experiences. New experiences lead to new beliefs. And new beliefs can create massive change within us.
I’m not the smartest person I know by any means. But I feel like I’ve grown at a rapid pace because I stay well-informed, adaptive, and compassionately progressive.
So I’ve developed a framework that helps me learn the truth about the world as quickly as possible to thrive within it. Here’s how you can do the same.
We’re all stupid in many ways
You have to first accept we all know nothing.
Even the brightest people only know a tiny fraction of the knowledge in the universe.
More than that, everything we know about the world is changing. And that change increases exponentially.
No one knows what’s going to happen next and everyone is “stupid” at some time. We’ve all believed in things that we later found out to be false. Every generation has fallen into that pattern — I mean, we used to think the world was flat (and terrifyingly, some people still do!)
Remember when we believed all fats were evil and ate “healthy” high-sugar diets? How’d that turn out?
Remember when there was no way the US government (and many other governments) would create a massive surveillance system to record billions of phone calls, messages, and emails daily? Wait a sec…
Or how about the fake monopoly money called “cryptocurrency”? You know, the stuff 99% of the world believed was a scam.
Now nine years later, you have those same people trying to enter the market after realizing this is the potentially largest “gold rush” in modern history. While many have lost money, cryptocurrency has also made many people more money than any other investment could in their lifetime.
(And yes, I’m aware the market has been bleeding for the last few days. And it’s likely the market will pop because most cryptos are useless and will disappear. But, I still believe blockchain and similar technologies are here to stay.)
Only when you’re humble can you truly accept everything you still need to learn.
How smart people get smarter
No matter what knowledge you possess right now, at this moment, just remember – the world is going to change with or without you.
And you’ve got to have the right outlook to keep up with it.
If you’re a cynical pessimist, you’ll always assume the worst is going to happen. You’ll be a naysayer and miss out on being ahead of the curve. The world will pass you by and you’ll be scrambling to catch up.
If you’re a naive optimist, you’ll get suckered into almost anything. You’ll be misled by misinformation, propaganda, and wild promises to fix your life or make you happy. Some people go down the wrong path and never recover.
You need to be an open-minded skeptic instead.
This is when you welcome new potential knowledge and seek it out in many forms. But you do so with a critical approach.
Again, you understand that we are all “stupid” in the ever-changing world.
You take in different sources and perspectives. You think rationally about what’s presented to you. You search for concrete evidence that not only supports new ideas, but refutes them.
Then you dissect all that information meticulously until the truth emerges. And even then, you realize that the “truth” may only be temporary.
So you’re always looking ahead to what will be the next truth. You aren’t wedded to what you know now and will still adopt new, better ideas if they emerge.
Why some people stay stupid
Some people never seem to work harder for their intelligence, adopt healthier beliefs, or achieve personal growth. They stay the same person they’ve been for years or even decades.
You tie your worth to your intellect and sometimes, being superior to others. Therefore, admitting you’re “wrong” about your beliefs means you’re a failure or less valuable.
So you take new ideas as a personal attack. You get defensive towards anyone who challenges your way of thinking. You hold steadfast out of pride and even put other people down. You become so insecure that you can’t even step out of your own shoes to challenge your beliefs.
Overall, you become fearful of change because you think you’ll somehow lose your identity in the process.
All this means you can’t be an open-minded skeptic. You will instead stay a close-minded fool.
So think about it…who’s the real winner in the game of life?
The person who comfortably holds onto their false beliefs but doesn’t make progress? Or the person who can admit they’re wrong to get smarter and actually evolve?
Seek out knowledge to find the truth, not to pursue your own validation or pride.
Finding truth the smart way
Here are some of the principles I live by in the pursuit of knowledge…
Learn from various sources.
Get multiple perspectives. Read from many viewpoints, including those that oppose your existing beliefs. Seek to understand why other people may have those views, even if they may be wrong.
Explore different mediums to learn from and see what resonates with you: audiobooks, travel experiences, fiction books (if you’ve only stuck to non-fiction), spoken word, random people at the pub, your family and friends, and more.
Many people are afraid of soaking in all these different ideas. But you don’t have to swear by all that data, you just have to explore all possibilities and then whittle them down.
Search for credible sources and validate data as best as you can.
When taking in lots of data, focus on sources that have been known to do their due diligence or speak the truth. That includes people as well.
Search for sources that prioritize the truth over sensationalism. Don’t seek out people who speak in hyperbole just to excite others. Prioritize publications that have a history of credibility, who have apologized when they’re wrong, and who provide easily verifiable data.
Always ask yourself…
Do these sources seem to have an agenda? Are they trying to sell me something or coerce me?
Can I test, apply, or verify this knowledge myself through hands-on experiences or other credible sources?
Where people often lose sight of verifying data is when they think with their heart. They have an already established belief and will listen to anything that agrees with that.
That’s why you see so many people sharing articles and news stories that are completely fabricated. Or why others get sucked into bullshit conspiracy theories. They don’t take the time to uncover the truth because these sources are telling them what they want to hear.
Supplement knowledge with your own experience.
A big part of being smart is not just absorbing new knowledge, but taking what you know and engaging with the world. There are a lot of smart, “stupid” people who think they understand everything but only sit behind a computer screen.
I try to live by the 2:1 rule. For every hour you spend reading about something, spend two hours finding a way to apply it in real life.
Have no loyalty to your beliefs other than doing good.
Times change, people change, and again, the world always changes. Hold your cherished beliefs close, but always be open to healthier beliefs that lead to more happiness for yourself and others.
For example, when I was younger, I used to be against marijuana. But after seeing that it is an useful alternative medicine for many illnesses, is less dangerous than alcohol, and could be taxed to fund valuable programs — I became a supporter.
Once you you have a deep understanding of a subject, move on.
Being knowledgeable about topics is critical. There comes a point of diminishing returns, though, when you’ve learned enough for the moment and your time would be better spent putting it action or learning something new.
It’s like guys who read the same self-improvement advice (especially dating) for years. They know a million ways to introduce themselves and hold a conversation. But how much information did they actually need to make a connection? Probably a lot less than they thought…and experience would’ve been a better teacher.
Obsessing over subjects can also cause “analysis paralysis”. It’s when you know so much about a subject that you can’t get out of your head to apply it organically. You overthink about everything and it leads to debilitating inaction.
Once you’ve got a grasp on something, seek out new knowledge. You can always return to those subjects later or explore more when new insight naturally comes your way.
Challenge the status quo, but not to be superior or prove others wrong.
Innovators move the world forward. Throughout history, there has always been someone who asked, “Is this the best, most efficient, or most ethical way?”
You have the power to do the same and you should exercise that power. You shouldn’t just always put your head down and accept what’s given to you.
When I first got into the dating industry, every company and every piece of advice was littered with misogyny and being a fake person. I thought there should be a better way to teach others to have healthy connections. So, I started my own coaching style.
But the only way this works is if you give a shit about the betterment of society. You shouldn’t be challenging the status quo to feel superior to others or to convince people you’re right. That breeds a world of arrogance and manipulation.
Learn a little about a lot.
Many people stick to what they know and love. They have a few subjects they’re passionate about and learn everything they can about them. They don’t go outside of their comfort zone too much because they don’t immediately see value in it.
I used to be that way, too. And it was only when I started exploring new interests (such as photography, virtual reality, dancing, hiking, yoga, mindfulness, and dog training) did I realize how much more I could love and be engaged by.
Even if you don’t become obsessed with those new ideas, there’s a ton of hidden value. The best advancements are often made when you combine different mediums, ideas, and schools of thought.
But maybe the smartest thing you can do is surround yourself with other critical thinkers. Because despite your differences, you can always find a way to have healthy debate and come to an understanding. Everyone comes out a better, smarter person for it.
So why don’t you check out my upcoming retreat? You’ll immerse yourself in a deep learning environment with other like-minded men to develop real confidence and attract the women you want.
Read Full Article
Read for later
Articles marked as Favorite are saved for later viewing.
Scroll to Top
Separate tags by commas
To access this feature, please upgrade your account.